Hungarian Rhapsody
by AmadErik
Summary: It has been 10 years since I first read the Leroux book, so I decided to celebrate my 10 year phanniversary with a self- insert POTO fic. The story takes place in 1881, after Christine left with Raoul.
1. The Phantom does exist

**Judit's POV:**

 _The Phantom of the Opera really does exist._

I just met him, and I still can't believe it.

The novel by Gaston Leroux had been my favorite novel from the year 2007, when I had the fortune to read it for the first time. Of course, that is not the way I learned about the existence of Phantom of the Opera- the first version I have watched was the 2004 movie with Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum, and as I liked the music (the story did not yet get me back then), I searched for the Hungarian cast recording of the musical and I fell in love with the soundtrack. Then I met the novel, and Erik instantly became my favorite character. Over ten years of continuous interest and research, Erik turned out to be a mysterious and dangerous, yet utterly fascinating character I loved to write fanfiction of, and play roleplay games with. And I always had the morbid curious urge to meet him in person. This is why I did this silly time- travel as well.

Well, now it did happen, but the meeting did not turn out as pleasant as I had planned it out during my fantasies.

At first, no, I don't remember how the time-travel itself went. I only have blurry memories about finding an online article that went on about possibility of time travel was proven by some scientists. I wanted to try it out, I remember…. And the next thing I can recall is I was laying at the bottom of some stone staircase with a very bad headache and with a foot which did not exactly was in the position a foot should be.

Being in pain and disoriented a lot, I did not know where exactly I was. The darkness and the stone stairs had given me the impression that I was in some kind of cellar, and looking around, contrary to I was wearing my glasses, I could not see a thing, as it was too dark, so I could only rely on my other senses. I heard nothing, but I felt the cool touch of stone, and the air, which was cooler than the temperature I have experienced at home. I could feel that that said cellar was enormous. The walls weren't near at all. I tried to get up to examine my situation better, but a sharp pain in my right foot, which was dislocated, did not make it easy to do so, I could say, it was nearly impossible. Upon gripping the edge of the stone stairs, I made an attempt to lift my weight up without using my injured leg, but it did not go too well. Some warm liquid was dripping on my hand, and as I touched my head, I realized it was bleeding. Awesome. Not even my foot, but also my head injured. I sighed as I tried to recollect my memories about how did I get here, but the pain in my head really made it hard. After some more miserable tries to stand up on my feet, I finally collapsed back on the ground with a sharp pain in my whole body, and with a final moan, I closed my eyes.

 **Erik's diary:**

 _11_ _th_ _May, 1881_

 _I keep writing this diary, though I never knew why I do it. It is just something I got used to over the years, contrary my useless and meaningless life has no happenings at all, which I should record._

 _Well, now though, today something_ _did_ _happen._

 _Erik did not expect anything to happen to him anymore, as he returned from the Daroga's house where he did tell and organize everything he wanted, regarding his coming death. He is just waiting for his miserable life to end, but upon arriving to the third cellar, he had found a body._

 _A human body, yes. Bodies keep appearing in Erik's home or in the cellars in the last few months. At first, that damned fool Buquet, then I had to drag the nosy Persian cop all around in the cellars, and de Chagny, and now…_

 _As I noticed the thing at the bottom of the stairs, I assumed I was only hallucinating. Erik gets weird hallucinations lately, maybe he is turning delusional, or I don't know, maybe he is turning insane. To chase the hallucination away, and make sure that thing isn't there, Erik sent a forceful kick to its side, and he got terrified of the sound it made._

 _IT WAS ALIVE._

 _I did not made it up. It was right there, existing, in reality, and moaned in pain because of my kick. It should actually be thankful, and consider itself lucky because of the fact Erik isn't feeling too well now. Otherwise I would have kicked it by a lot more force._

 _As I cautiously examined it more by the light of my lantern, I found out that its leg got dislocated and the head was wounded. It was nearly unconscious, could not cooperate, nor speak. It was a young human female, presumably 18-25 years old, Caucasian, with shorter dark hair than any females should wear, and dressed in male clothing. It was wearing a strangely tailored short sleeved shirt and pants made of some unknown blue material, and some weird shaped shoes I had never seen before. All of its clothing was bright colored, pink, and lavender. It wore a pair of glasses and a watch attached to its wrist, with musical symbols instead of numbers on the face. What a creature! I am sure I had never met this thing in the Opera before. I would have remembered it if I did. I searched its pockets for things to keep, but I only found a harmonica, some unknown and unidentified devices, and a small booklet with, I guess the papers identifying its existence. I wasn't interested in who and what it is, so I just kicked it further, not to be on my way while I descended the stairs. To be sure, I kept its watch. I really like how it looks and it isn't going to need it anymore as I see the situation right now. Either it just regains strength and leaves by itself, or it will die there and then I might have find a place to put it. If I keep the watch, it shall at least entertain poor Erik for his remaining days. I decided I had no other things to do with it. Contrary the fact it is still alive, I don't feel the urge to bother with it. I don't want to help it or find out what it wanted to do here. All of my experiences taught me it is a wiser idea not to interfere with other's problems and only think about myself and my own death._

 _Later, though, I don't know whether out of pity or being curious, I walked back to the third cellar to find out if it was still there and alive._

 **Judit's POV:**

When I opened my eyes again, I was still in pain and felt ill. I was disoriented and cold. My head throbbed and I still felt blood trickling down on it. I was prepared for my own death, when I suddenly heard some noise. It sounded like someone was walking close to me. I tried my best to collect my strength, and finally I was able to cry for help. Whoever is this, they should hear me. As I could not find out where I was I called out in Hungarian, to test if they understand me.

\- Help please… help…

\- Oh. – A male voice responded to my whining. – Are you still alive?

I cannot describe that voice. It was extraordinarily pleasant to listen to, I wasn't able to identify its range though. It sounded soft, silky, deep and higher pitched at the same time. Some strong operatically trained layer I did notice on it, he sounded like a trained singer. He was also talking in Hungarian. I might still be in Hungary? What has happened?

\- Where am I? – I inquired.

\- Why, don't you know where did you go, eh? – He now sounded a bit impatient, but that fact did not make his voice any less beautiful.

\- No. – I admitted.

\- You are in the Opera. – He answered coldly.

\- In Budapest? – I went on.

\- Paris.

So, at least, I am at the Palais Garnier, it seems like. Now I should only figure out the fact how did I get there. The man who spoke to me reminded me of Erik in the novel, because of his voice. As I am in Paris and in the cellars of the Opera, if the time- travel actually succeeded, I must be talking to him. Or did maybe I just teleport other than doing a time-travel?

\- Well, it appears you are alive. – He barked. – Would you mind getting up and leave me the Hell alone?

\- I can't get up…

\- A dislocated ankle is not that bad. I have faced a lot worse things as well. You will survive it.

\- But my head hurts as well…

\- My stomach also hurts when it is empty. – He remarked with sarcasm.

I have made a few attempts to get up, but now my side hurt as well, I did not know why. He sighed in irritation as he saw my miserable tries. I could not see him, only hear his voice, which made me even more curious.

\- Erik…? – I wanted to test my theory being right or wrong. I had to know what was going on.

\- What the bloody Hell? – He gasped, then I felt a strong grip on the front of my T- shirt as he pulled me into a sitting position.

Yes, it was Erik. Black mask, black cape, evening suit, glowing yellow eyes that shone at me with disbelief in the darkness of the cellars.

\- You are Erik. – I nodded in realization. – What year is it?

\- It is I who asks the questions! – He shook my shoulders forcefully, digging his skeletal fingers in my skin. – Who are you? Why are you here? How do you know my name?

\- How can you speak in Hungarian? – I know he was angry, but I could not get rid of the amazement which was caused by Erik's knowledge of my native.

\- Enough! – He yelled in my face. – Answer me or Er… the Phantom shall do something to you that you won't say thank you for!

\- My name is Judit. – I stuttered upon realizing Erik was really angry now, so I should not make him explode with fury. – I am here because… well, it will definitely sound strange… I was attempting to make a time- travel to 1881 and it seems like I succeeded.

Silence came, I think Erik was thinking about the possibility of my words being true, and without asking he reached into my pocket. I did not dare to spite because of his state of mind, and I just waited to find out what on Earth he was doing. He ripped my ID card holder out of my pocket and opened it to examine my papers. He scratched his head for some seconds, as he read my ID card, and murmured: "1989… it cannot be a typo… I have never seen such a card… hm… can it be you really came from the future?"

\- All I say is true… - I said.

\- Then one more thing. – He threw my ID card holder at me angrily. – How do you know my name, I repeat? And I am expecting an answer satisfying me, otherwise you will be terribly sorry of making a fool of me.

\- I have read a book about your life.

\- Book? – He leaned closer suspiciously.

\- Yes, it is entitled "The Phantom of the Opera." It is written by Gaston Leroux.

\- I don't know that man. – He stated on an annoyed tone.

\- I know… he is going to write that book in 30 years from now.

\- He won't if it is up to Erik. – He laughed on a terrifying dark way. – And what EXACTLY do you know about me, you thing?

\- Um… a lot… - I stated cautiously. – Won't you kill me if I tell you…?

\- I bet you know about the whole issue with Christine Daaé… and maybe even more? – He pulled me even closer to his face, so I was only centimeters away from the mask. – Sing, little bird, what do you know, eh?

\- I know about Christine, I know about your past, the Rosy hours of Mazandaran and…

\- Basically, everything. – He whispered ominously. – Why did you come here, eh?

\- To see you. – I found it a better idea to be totally honest with Erik. It can turn out both good and bad, but at least I am not telling lies. Erik is not a stupid person, I think he knows if I am lying to him anyway.

\- Now you see me. – He stated simply. – Are you satisfied you nosy little brat?

\- Quite. – I responded.

He jumped up, releasing me, so the back of my head hit the stone step again. I did not whine as I simply did not dare to. He was walking in circles around me, like a caged animal, and the only emotion I could see on him was panic. Some time passed like this. I did not dare to say anything, not even breathe loudly. This time travel wasn't the best idea at all. What on Earth did I expect of Erik to do to me, really? To jump in my neck and serve me tea? Stupid girl I was. I have read the book, I exactly knew how Erik was….

Suddenly, after some time spent with nervous stimming and pacing, Erik grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up from the ground.

\- Come. – He growled.

\- Where are we going… if you want to kill me do it here…

\- Shut up! – As he realized I could not keep up his tempo because I was just literally jumping on one foot, he hurriedly lifted me up in his arms and carried me.

Like this, as being carried, I can at least look around. Erik is walking without a single word, unwillingly. In each of his movements I can feel tense distance. I am not allowed to hug his neck, as he growls when I try. I did not mean to hug him out of affection, I just wanted my hands not to hang around and I'd feel safer not to fall off. We passed the veil that was described in the book. Maybe Erik takes me to his home?

\- Ha! – He let out a nasty little laugh after exactly this thought of mine. – Well, did you honestly think Erik is going to take you home, eh? In his OWN house, eh, exactly this is what he needs, of course! That house is only for Erik. It is a big enough problem you know about its existence! Well, you little idiot, I know well why did you come here, I am not stupid. You wanted to search for my house. But you shall never set a foot in there, you small nosy bastard! I never accept any visitors, let alone someone uninvited. You shall be happy and thankful that I did not end your life as I have planned. My house, eh? Shall I not take you to the Opera, eh? Shall I not marry you, eh?

Wow, this man must be a mind reader… We arrived to a door that Erik opened, and he pushed me through it. I landed on a stone floor in a smaller room.

\- You shall stay here until you can walk on your own and until that I shall decide what happens to you. Nobody walks down here, and if you have the urge to yell, you are absolutely allowed to do so- nobody is going to hear that. Erik's home is at another part, so he isn't bothered by your noisemaking. Later, he will return and bring you food and drink. He is a merciful man, you see. Might it be today, but if he doesn't have the urge, maybe tomorrow then. Well, have fun. – He laughed out again, then leaned closer. – Beware the rats. You should move sometimes, as if you stay too still, they might think you dead and eat off your nose. – He laughed again, having really big fun of his own joke. As he noticed I did not get frightened of his attempt to scare me, he murmured something under his breath, walked out of the room, locked me inside then left.

I was left alone in a dark cellar room. It might be the old communard cellar when Raoul de Chagny was locked up in? I can't do anything else without any light, only to close my eyes and trying to sleep.

I woke up to the feeling that someone shook me violently, then I received a few punches in the side.

\- At last. – Erik moaned with an irritated tone.

\- Erik, you are here?

\- No. I am somewhere else and you ask genial questions.

\- Why did you come here, to torture me?

\- No. – He slammed a basket down on the floor next to me. – Here are your necessities until I return. It won't happen in the next few days. I have a lot of work to do, you do definitely bother me, and I am not curious of you because you are just a meaningless dumb damned little brat, who got in this situation because of her own mistake and stupidity. I don't feel compassion nor pity, nor any kind of emotions your way, you are only a bother to me, and the only reason I am not releasing you to go around in the Opera is because you know too much of Erik.

\- So, to be clear am I your prisoner?

\- Absolutely. You are not as dumb as I thought you to be. – He nodded.

\- Erik, I promise I am not going to tell anyone about you…

\- Erik makes sure you won't. And now, I am going to leave. I am not interested in your convalescence, so help yourself as no one else will. You brought it on yourself, I have nothing to do with it and you, I can't and don't want to look after you. Understood?

\- Yes. – I said softly.

\- Good. Well, sleep tight. Don't let the spiders and rats bite you! – He laughed and banged the door after himself while leaving me alone again.

For a time, I still could hear his footsteps getting further, then silence and darkness fell on me.


	2. Swan song

**Judit's POV:**

As Erik left, I soon had the courage to check the contents of the basket he had brought me. As I looked into it I could only find a loaf of bread, two bottles of water and a knife for the bread. Not even a single candle. I can sit here in the dark without an end. My phone had a flashlight, but if it runs out of battery, I had no other sources of light. I sighed. Suddenly I realized I did not feel something on me that I should have, and my later examination made my fear clear: I had lost my watch. Damn, I loved my musical watch. Well, if I ever get back home, I will order myself a new one.

If I ever get home…

Why was I such an idiot? Erik was right, I did deserve this all to happen to me, as I caused it for myself. Exactly. I travelled here, in time and place, to meet Erik, the Phantom of the Opera, and that is what has happened, indeed. I don't know what I was thinking, really. I was only a stranger to Erik, and he definitely does not give too much thought about murdering someone. Maybe he is going to kill me? Why did he give me food and drink if he wanted to kill me? Does he want to torture me? Why would he do that? I knew he was a crazy person, but why would he torture me if I did not hurt him by any means?

Seeing the type of food and drink he had given me, I could see the hint- he was definitely think and handle me as a prisoner who will be kept on bread and water. He sent me the message. But as I heard, even the inhabitants in jail got at least a goddamned candle. Kazinczy, who was a Hungarian writer and was sent to prison for political reasons, was allowed to write with ink. Erik did not give me a single pencil. A book to read…? So much room was still in this stupid basket, it could have contained some other things... Well, at least I had a knife, and the walls were made of brick.

Maybe I could play the determined musician and write something…? Perhaps the last time in my life…

I had no other things to do anyway.

Sure thing that composing consumes time, and a lot more it does when one can only carve notes and sharps in brick by the blade of a knife. I just hope I won't run out of battery and empty spots on the walls. At least, having an activity lessened my headaches and pain in my foot. The thing I wrote was in E minor. Bit of sad, giving away my current worries and fears at that time.

I composed until my phone's flashlight worked, but however I was trying to save energy, it got consumed and I was left alone with an unfinished composition in a dark cold cellar, with pain, sickness, fears, and not a single soul to talk to. I was trying to have my mind occupied by coming up with story ideas, or having conversations with myself, but I felt weaker and weaker. I had not much appetite. I did not have the urge to eat only bread, and to be honest, I wasn't hungry. I drank the water, and that was all.

I was cold. I did not get a blanket either. The wound on my head was bothering me. It was warm and painful and dried up blood made it disgusting to touch. My face and T shirt had blood dried on it as well. I did not have water to wash. I drank it all without thinking about washing my face at least. It would have required too much water, and I had too little with me to be wasted.

There was a barrel in the corner, next to a wall. There was enough room between it and the wall for me to climb in there to sleep, like a small wounded animal. I was waiting for death right there.

Once, when I wasn't any more hoping for such things to happen, the door opened.

Its creaking surprised and scared me, and I did not know at first, who had entered the room. I had to cover my eyes as suddenly too much light came into the room, I was already getting used to darkness. As I slowly looked around, I noticed Erik standing in front of me. He found out my hiding place. He did not say a word. He slowly knelt down to meet my level, and reached out his hand towards me. I did not know what he wanted to do, I got scared he might have come here to end my life, and to fool him, I was pretending to be already dead by closing my eyes, but he couldn't be tricked. He grabbed my shoulder, pulled me out from next to the barrel, sat me up, and removed my glasses before slapping me real hard to wake me up. Wow. He did not want to harm my glasses. That cold and planned cruelty was making me speechless. I was looking at him questioningly, but did not say a word, just was waiting. He put my glasses back on me, but he did nothing more. Slowly he released me from his grip, and looked around in the room. By the light of his lantern the room seemed to be a lot friendlier. He walked closer to my composition, examined it a bit, tilted his head from side to side, then he left without a word, but he did leave the lantern on the ground. I did not dare to move or say anything. What was that? What did he want if he did nothing in the end?

I don't know how much time passed again, when I heard the door open. Erik returned. He carried a smaller box in his hand, and slowly put it down on the ground, then kicked it in my direction. It arrived next to my hand.

\- What… what is this? – I asked finally.

\- You'll find out. – He stated.

\- Will it explode if I open it? – I inquired cautiously.

\- No. – He growled.

I opened the lid painstakingly, and closed my eyes for a few seconds before daring to look at the contents, but after nothing horrible had happened, I examined it with growing interest. It was a box of white chalk. Chalk that you would use at school on blackboards.

\- For me? – I asked with surprise.

\- No. For my grandmother who lives in Congo. – He moaned in frustration. – Why do you ask so dumb questions?

\- Sorry.

He collected the basket and noticed I hardly touched the bread.

\- What is that Mademoiselle? Huh? Isn't it a nice enough meal for your Highness? What should Erik bring, eh? What? Some prawns, maybe? Lobster?

\- I dislike seafood. – I said.

\- Really? – He thundered. – Well, you little spoiled snot! If you dislike anything, then you shall receive nothing! Let's see how you do like that!

He slammed the door after himself as he left. In some time, he returned though, when I was already writing the carved notes over by chalk, to be more visible. He only tossed a bottle of water through the door, and left again, without saying a word.

 **Erik's diary:**

 _15_ _th_ _May, 1881_

 _I had been thinking about what should happen to that thing in the cellar. I should at least check on it today, to find out if it was able to walk or it had already died. I would like the latter option more, as then I would not have to kill it by myself. As it, most definitely cannot stay alive. Erik simply can't allow someone who knows so much about him just to survive._

 _When I arrived down there, I realized it was still alive, hiding between the wall and the barrel in the corner. I pulled it out from its hiding place, and I got extremely annoyed by the fact it totally thought me an idiot. Oh, little one, Erik had definitely seen many corpses, he had held too much dead bodies to be able to be fooled such a way… did you really think Erik will think you dead and just leave you there?_

 _I wanted to end its miserable existence by a merciful squeeze on its throat, when something caught my eye on the wall next to me._

 _It looked like sheet music. As I examined it further, I read an unfinished piano piece, a bit of simple, but pleasantly mournful. I had to admit, it did meet my taste, however simple and immature it was. It really sounded like a composition of a student, only getting to know what they want to write, but it was a promising start._

 _Did you write that?_

 _When I looked at her again, she seemed to be so clueless and frightened that Erik had no heart to harm her any more. Sometimes I don't understand myself. It is so easy to kill a person, but sometimes it is harder than anything else. I had felt this way about that damned Daroga, but I never felt it before about a complete stranger. Erik doesn't care about people, as they don't care about him either… but… it is hard to admit, but this child is too talented to be killed._

 _Even without candlelight, she ended up carving notes in the brick, and it is strange to say, but I respected her for it. Such a determination! Such a love for music…It is unusual from a young person like her._

 _I just left her there, and later gave her a box of chalk to work with. Light and writing supplies are needed for composing._

 _Yet I got angry with the little brat when she did not eat the bread I had given her before. What a picky eater! She should have been thankful, damn it! Well, we see how hungry she will be if she gets nothing to eat for a few days! She will eat her damned chalks!_

 **Judit's POV:**

I did not get anything to eat, just as he said, and he halved my fluid intake as well. Only two liters of water I received, which was the healthy dosage for only one day, but I assumed he would not show up the next day to give me another bottle. I was right. He didn't. I was trying to drink only small portions to be able to save up as much water as I could, not knowing when he returns. I was rather licking my mouth if it got too dry. Contrary to not getting any food, I did not get hungry, which fact was weird. I loved to eat otherwise, but since the time- travel took place I wished to have nothing at all. I was only working. I used the whole box of chalk, writing a full piano composition, on two walls up until the height I was able to reach. When I finished it and ran out of chalk, I lay down on the floor as I felt lousy and exhausted.

Sometimes in my half awake, half asleep state of mind, I saw strange shadows on the wall, they were dancing on the sheet music lines, and they were singing silly melodies. Sometimes I could have sworn I heard a simple lullaby played by a music box, and the shadows were laughing sarcastically. The room got smaller and smaller and it was hard to breathe. I was unbearably hot and cold at the same time. Everything hurt. Breathing did hurt the most.

Once I blurry sensed a black thin shadow sitting next to me cross-legged, writing something on a piece of paper. I was too tired to ask anything and wasn't able to concentrate any longer. Everything went black.

 **Erik's diary:**

 _18_ _th_ _May_

 _I returned to the cellar to see how she was going with the composition, and maybe, if she was in a more thankful mood, I might give her some bread to eat. She must be hungry by now. When I opened the door, I saw the girl stretched out in the center of the room, on the floor. She fell asleep at a weird place, for sure. I did not give much thought about her, as I was examining the music. Yes – yes, quite good. Maybe will be a good enough start for a sonata, or something. I might work on it more. I sat down to write the sheet music down on some papers I carry with me, and did not move until I was finished._

 _The strange thing was that neither did the little thing._

 _She was too much silent and too still. Maybe it is not just a simple sleep?_

 _I poked her side for a few times, but she did not lift her head. I shook her for a few times… but nothing happened. I turned her to face the ceiling. Her face was pale, her mouth was open, but her eyes closed shut. I shook her a few more times, and put my ear to her chest to listen… and I heard nothing._

 _Well, it was what I wanted, certainly. And now that it happened, and I would have no more problems with her, I got scared and felt sorry for the poor thing. I did not mean to…_

 _I did something that I would have never thought I'd do for someone I don't know: I helped her. I only hoped she was dead only for a short period of time, and I prayed to God that I will be able to save her and bring her back to life where she belongs._


	3. Resurrection

**Notes:**

 **Project Nickname: "Hungarian Rhapsody"**

 **Day 1: 18** **th** **May, 1881**

 **List of Subject's reactions and diagnoses:**

 _Young girl in early twenties._

 _Height: 1 meter 65 centimeters._

 _Weight: 95 kilograms – overweight._

 _Reanimation temporarily successful. In half an hour, clinic death happens again._

 _Second time reanimation successful._

 _Subject remains unconscious during treatment._

 _Pulse is still weak and flutter. Low heart rate._

 _High fever (40.2 degrees Celsius measured in mouth) – cooling bath. Fever slightly reduced- 39.8 Celsius._

 _The head is wounded- a not too long, but deep wound is on the top of the head. Badly infected. Red, swollen, hot to touch, oozing. Cleaned out, stitched, bandaged._

 _Subject wears strong glasses. Two in one lenses. Examination indicates previous eye operations. Left eye slightly inflamed._ _Chamomile tincture and boric acid used. Symptoms reduce._

 _Throat is clear, breathing is shallow. Subject overcame tonsillectomy in the past._

 _Dislocated and swollen ankle. Relocated, treated._

 **Day 2: 19** **th** **May, 1881**

 _Fever keeps returning- cooling reduces it by some, but it never breaks. Delirium, shivers occur. Cooling baths and cloths used._

 _Heart rate returns to almost normal._

 _Breathing is heavy- lungs are hard to listen. Cough. Cold pack on chest with thyme. Menthol salve used under the nose to ease breathing. Nose cleaned._

 _2-2 syrettes of elderberry- walnut leaf- chamomile infusion given in the morning and in the evening._

 **Day 3: 20** **th** **May, 1881**

 _Fever slightly reduced, still high, but stays under control, did not go above 39.9 Celsius again. 39.4 Celsius on lowest level. Cold pack on forehead and chest. Subject shivers a lot. Talks nonsense. Mostly unconscious, sometimes regains consciousness but does not recognize Erik._

 _Heart rate normal._

 _Pulse gets stronger._

 _Breathing is still uneven, yet easier._

 _Elderberry- walnut leaf- chamomile infusion given in same dosage and time as yesterday._

 **Day 4: 21** **st** **May, 1881.**

 _Fever went down under 39 Celsius. 38.7 Celsius, measured in the evening. Cold pack on forehead only._

 _Breathing gets more even, cough occurs more._

 _Elderberry- walnut leaf- chamomile infusion given in same dosage and time as yesterday._

 **Judit's POV:**

I opened my eyes.I saw things just as if I was without my I was. Where did it go? Who had taken it off? But I wasn't even in the cellars any more. Where did I go?

It was dark, yet I could see there were furniture around me. I was in a room, laying in a bed, not on a cold stone floor. Under the door, I could see streams of light coming into the room. So, wherever I was, I wasn't alone, there was someone there, other than me. Did someone find me in the cellars and take me home? But Erik had stated no one walked down there. There was a cold pack on my forehead, and a bandage on my head.

I wanted to find out where I was, and I was dying of thirst. I tried to call out for my host, but my throat hurt a lot, and I wasn't able to speak any more than a pitiful whisper. I attempted to sit up, and I succeeded. My foot wasn't in pain any longer, so slowly I stood up. I felt utterly disoriented and was unable to stand on my feet for a long time. Every inch of me was hurting. I fell onto the ground, pushing some kind of small table, causing it to fall with me with a great thud. There was a glass on top of the table which broke in a million pieces, I accidentally touched a bit of shattered glass, cutting a finger. Water got spilled on the carpet. I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I let out a desperate cry, which was only a little bit stronger than my miserable attempt earlier.

I heard footsteps from outside, someone was hurrying through a quite long room. The door opened. Light filled up the room and a black shadow appeared in the doorway. The shadow was walking closer to me, it was wearing black slippers. I got scared, and tried to pull away a bit, and let out a scared cry when the newcomer grabbed me not too nicely by the arm. The stranger did not really touch me kindly, it did hurt a little. His hand was ice cold, and he had such a strong grip…

My cry made me cough, the hand was holding me tighter and tighter, he tried to lift me up from the ground, but I was trying to fight as hard as I could in that state. I squirmed desperately in the grip of cold and bony fingers which were pulling me by full force. Where is the one who took me to bed and why is this thing dragging me around? I would bite him if he won't stop…

\- Stop it at last, you small troublemaker or you will stay on the floor! – That was Erik's irritated but still enchanted voice. I calmed down a little and looked up. Yes, it was Erik, in a black mask, white shirt, with a red and black smoking jacket on top, and a black tie. Sure it was a home outfit for him, which I would call "play attire". He lifted me up from the ground finally, as I did not fight him any longer. I always got surprised about how well Erik could always lift me up, contrary to him being extremely skeletally thin.

\- Erik…? – I asked with confusion.

\- Who else did you expect to come, you dumb creature? I have told you no one else but Erik walks in the communard cellars, you did not need too much brain to think who it might be, and yet, you failed. Bravo. – He put back the cold pack on my forehead and covered me up. – Lay. Sleep. – He went to tidy the room, while groaning constantly. – Oh, how very nice of you to break this damned glass. I hope you are happy, it was my mother's yet... it was my only full set, you damned thing. – He swept the glass, and sponged up the water from the carpet. – Well, I wanted to dissolve your medicine in that. No problem, you will take it as it is, as you are conscious, I don't care. Maybe you won't even get water with it to swallow. You only spill it on my precious rug. You can be thankful it wasn't coffee. I would be extremely annoyed then.

\- Sorry. – I whimpered.

\- Eh… it is all right. – His voice suddenly changed to the kinder. – Glass is easily broken in my house anyways. If I am upset, I throw them, yet I don't know why. Erik should find something unbreakable.

\- Where am I?

\- Is tonight the night of dumbest questions ever, or what the bloody Hell? You are in Erik's house, where else on Earth would be?

\- You told me you won't take me here.

\- I did not want to, but it was necessary. – He shrugged. – You were in danger in the cellars. You nearly died. I remark, I did not even expect you to stay alive, I would not have given a dime for you, but it seems like you got better.

\- How long have I been here?

\- Four days. I repeat, I did not hope to talk to you again, but I did not want you to die in a cold cellar. I took you home and lay you in this bed. You were extremely heavy to carry, by the way. Erik isn't used to carrying heavy things like you in his age. Well, I was thinking about where to bury you before you woke up, to be honest. – He looked at me and noticed my bleeding finger which I tried to keep in my mouth to stop the bleeding. – You useless formation, did you dare to cut yourself? Don't even think of dripping your blood all over my bed! Blood stain won't come out, you… you thing.

He examined and bandaged my finger, and groaned I cause only trouble.

\- Please don't be angry with me… I am sorry. – I whispered softly.

\- Meh, don't cry! – He sighed. – If you cry you develop a higher fever again, and it gives me the occupation to reduce it again, just if I wasn't taking care of you for four days straight, as I did not have any other things to do.

\- Erik…?

\- Now, what's that again?

\- I am thirsty. Please…

\- So that is why you destroy my guest bedroom, eh?

\- I did not know I wasn't able to get up.

\- All right then, I give you a glass of water, but after I suggest you to shut up and leave me to my work.

He poured water in a glass he returned with, and not too gently put it in my hand, waiting for me to drink.

\- Why did you not kill me? – I asked cautiously, thinking twice about drinking from water he had given me, suspiciously examining the glass.

\- Thank you a LOT for your endless trust! – Erik barked at me, noticing my hesitation. – Do you honestly think Erik would poison you now when you woke up, instead of doing so when you were defenseless? So that is why I misplaced my finest herbs to cure this little rat? Thankless bastard. Without Erik, you would be dead, and that is how you repay him, to accuse him of… eh! You… you…

\- Forgive me… - I begged and sipped the whole glass in one take to prove him I wasn't thinking of anything wrong.

He seemed to calm down a bit, but was examining me with suspicious look in his glowing yellow cat- eyes.

\- Why did Erik not kill you, you ask? Well, I tell you: I wanted to. Someone who knows so much about Erik, his actions and his past just can't stay alive, you see, as Erik does not wish his secrets to be found out. But, to be honest, I saw the music on the wall.

\- Did you like it? – I gasped in surprise.

\- Not really. – He shook his head and laughed out mockingly. – It is just a scribbly scrap of a young and slightly talented poser. But I had to admit it is good for something. If you can come up with such things, you deserve at least to stay alive.

\- And what is going to happen to me?

\- At first you shall recover. – He stated. – Then Erik will figure it out.

\- Then it means you won't kill me anymore?

\- Erik doesn't promise anything regarding the late future. He just decided not to kill you for the present. You would better not make Erik upset, as no one can stop him then, not even himself. Understood?

\- Yes, clearly. Would you mind telling me what my illness is?

\- The wound on your head got infected and you have starting pneumonia.

\- Thank you, Erik.

\- And what, pray tell, you thank me for? – He leaned closer a bit of suspiciously, but partly surprised.

\- For you taking care of me and saving my life and…

\- Leave me the Hell alone with your endless gratitude. I am only doing this because I am not entirely wicked. I couldn't leave you there to die that is all. I now cure you, if I can, because I feel obliged to do so. Strange, as Erik mostly doesn't care about others, so consider yourself extremely lucky that I bothered.

\- Erik…

\- And now, what is that? – He growled impatiently, as he was about to leave.

\- Are you angry with me about causing you so much trouble?

\- Why is that important to you? – He shrugged.

\- I would not want you to be angry with me.

\- I am not, surprisingly, if it comforts you. – He admitted. – It is not exactly your fault, to begin with. You have read a book, and you wanted to find out if it was true or not. You are a young girl, with most likely, a lively imagination, and moreover, a woman. Women are very inquisitive. – He laughed out bitterly, waved in the air, and seemingly, moaned in pain. – Women are so-so inquisitive… God have created them to be so, they can do nothing about it. So, you wanted to find out the truth and came here. I have to tell you, you are a brave brat. Contrary to the darkness, and being just a weak young girl, and the Phantom and the siren lurking around, you still dared to come here. But I suggest you to sleep now. It is not good for you to be awake for a long time. – He stood up again and turned around to leave the room, but I called out.

\- Good night, Erik.

\- What do you want now? – He barked and spun around to face me.

\- I only wished you a good night.

\- Uh… - He scratched his head for some moments in embarrassment, then hesitantly said: - To you too.

\- Merci. – I smiled at him. He was standing there confusedly for a time, then hurriedly took a few steps towards the door, but from there he turned around once again. – It is me who thanks you… well, it doesn't matter! – He stuttered and jumped out of the open door in hurry and shut it behind himself.

I was really tired, so I lay my head down on the huge soft pillow and nearly instantly fell asleep.


	4. A heart made of ice

**Judit's POV:**

\- Wake up! Up, I said! – I opened my eyes and saw Erik standing beside my bed, holding some kind of small bottle with a spoon. – Sit up and take this. – I obeyed. It was some liquid with a horrible taste.

\- What is this?

\- It doesn't matter. – He stated coldly. – It helps.

\- Thank you.

\- Um… you are welcome, I guess. – He wanted to leave but I called out to him. I wished to know the time.

\- What's the time?

\- Don't you know how to read the clock or what the Hell? There is a clock right in front of your nose. – There really was one in the corner, it did surprise me when it hit for the first time, but by this time I did get used to its sound. There was only one problem, I couldn't see the face without my glasses from that far.

\- I know how to tell the time, but unfortunately cannot see it from here.

There was some silence and I am not sure, but probably did hear a small and soft gasp.

\- Sorry. – It was the first time he apologized for something, then glanced at the clock and announced: - It is half past seven.

\- In the morning or evening? – I was utterly clueless as the house by the lake had not natural lights coming in, so I lost my orientation in time.

\- Morning. – He moaned.

\- Oh then… did you sleep well?

\- What? – He wasn't sure if he heard it right or not, but after he answered shortly. – Erik did not sleep last night at all. Not even the night before, to add. But anyways… why does it interest you? What do you have to do with my sleeping habits? – He seemed to be irritated.

\- I was just trying to be nice. Sorry.

\- Oh… - He scratched his head then looked back at me. – Don't be sorry… Erik is sorry… he is not used to people asking him about how he slept… I did not think you wanted to be polite with me. Well, it doesn't matter… how did you sleep, if you asked?

\- I slept well, thank you.

\- Do you feel pain?

\- No.

\- In your chest?

\- Not even there.

\- All is well then. Erik is going to bring some food for you. You have to eat to regain your powers you are going to need. – He then left the room for some minutes. I was waiting for some bread but I was astonished when I got more things on a tray that he placed on my lap. I had bread and butter for sure, but some vegetables too, I even received tomatoes and tea in a mug. – Here. Eat. But don't make a mess with it as I have no urge to clean after you. – I had eaten some, but to tell the truth, I wasn't too hungry. – Do you always eat so little?

\- Not usually this amount, but I don't eat much.

\- Good. At least you won't cost much. And now, Erik has something else to do and he isn't free to sit with you all day. Don't bother me until I return.

\- What should I do here all day?

\- Why? Aren't you ill? Sleep.

\- I can't sleep for the whole day.

\- Then occupy your thoughts by yourself. I am not here to entertain you.

\- Sorry. I won't cause trouble.

\- I expect you not to. In some hours you are going to receive your dose of medication again, until that I wish not to hear from you. – He took the tray from in front of me then walked out of the room. In some minutes, he returned but only to give me my glasses, and left again without a single word.

Now I had the opportunity to look around in the room, regaining my eyesight. Erik let a lamp lit for me so I can see. This must be the Louis- Philippe room from the novel. The Persian gave an accurate description of it, there was everything mentioned in the book. It was a medium sized room, bigger than my room at home in our flat, but smaller than I imagined as reading. Its walls were covered in dark blue and gold striped wallpaper, and it had wooden floor. I was in a huge sleigh – shaped wooden bed, with two pillows and a blanket, and only then I realized I wasn't wearing my T shirt and pants anymore, but a lacy nightgown. It was a bit of awkward to imagine Erik undressing me… not because of his looks, but I did not like the thought of being defenseless and unconscious. There was a couch with nice mustard- yellow cover, a fireplace, and in front of it a small, beautifully carved small table with a lamp on it, next to the small table there were two armchairs with whitish- cream drape, and lace overlays on top of the backrest. I suddenly had a mental image of Erik, in his mask and all his mysteriously frightening glory, starts to iron those small overlays as a housewife, and I could not help but burst out in laughter. I whined and chuckled at my own silly ideas, and the funny scenario. I did not want Erik to get in and ask what I was laughing at, though, so I tried to calm down as soon as possible and continue the exploration. Above the fireplace, there was a wooden shelf with some smaller objects, for example some shells, a red pincushion, and an ostrich egg. Yes, there was the ostrich egg Leroux described. How and when did he get that, and what for? Even the image of the ostrich was so ridiculous to me. I laughed out again, but pressed my hand against my mouth. I rather fixed my eyes at the grandfather's clock in the corner, but it was so far away that even with my glasses I could not see the time. In the other end of the room, there was a huge case, as I found out, Erik used it to hold some potions in it, as he got small bottles out of there sometimes. The infamous Louis- Philippe dresser on which Christine Daaé found Erik's letter after her abduction, was quite near me. If I moved to the side of the bed and reached out, I could touch its corner. Next to the bed, in a reachable distance for me, there was another small table which I knocked earlier, and on top of it there was a teapot for me with a glass. Erik made and left me tea here so I could drink.

For some hours, I tried to use my imagination to occupy myself, but I got weirder and weirder ideas about that silly ostrich egg, and it made me laugh out more and more times. I had no idea why I acted the way I did. Subconsciously, I guessed I just wanted to get Erik's attention, as being alone and sick wasn't fun at all. I felt so unneeded, so unloved. I really did try my best to be a good girl, but no matter what I did say, Erik did not seem to be impressed. It was strange he saved my life because of music, yet he did not ask me anything about my musical knowledge or experience. But why did he save me if it didn't interest him?

Yet his distant behavior sometimes seemed to be just another mask of his, because there were times he was nearly kind to me. He examined my glasses for a long time once, before handing it to me to put it on, and he put some kind of alcoholic cleaning liquid and a small cloth for me, so I will be able to clean them. He did not say a word, but his eyes seemed to reflect an emotion he never showed me before: pity. I caught him sometimes that he was examining and trying out my eyesight. He randomly pointed at me from different spots in the room, and waited for my reaction. If I looked at him or asked what it was, he nodded, but if I said or did nothing, he sighed.

He hardly ever spoke. It was me who tried, nearly desperately to pull some words out of him. He answered my questions mostly in one word sentences, or only by a just a nod. Well, maybe he was just not the man of words, but I found the lack of his talkativeness as a sign of his displeasure of having me around.

\- Do you honestly dislike me so much? – I asked once, kind of hopelessly. Days have passed and he remained just as strict and distant to me as he was.

\- Why, what should I feel for you, really?

\- I don't know. – I admitted.

\- Do you really expect me to like you? What for? You are just another human with weird habits. And you do laugh at me behind my back.

\- I don't.

\- You do. Don't lie to me, you little… thing. I have ears.

\- I wasn't laughing at you.

\- At what, then? Don't think me as stupid as you are. You were laughing because you feel so good here, eh? You did laugh out of happiness and amusement… eh?

\- I just tried to… have fun.

\- Bah.

\- Really, as I am bored. But it did not have anything to do with you, but the ostrich egg.

\- You are, mademoiselle, an insufferable little airhead, really.

\- Thank you, at least you do talk to me. Even insults are better than nothing.

\- I tak to you just the way you deserve it.

\- I am sad to hear you hate me so much, because I like you, and your opinion is kind of important to me.

Silence came. Erik stared at me for some seconds, and then left without a word.

From that point though, something changed. I did not know what changed Erik's behavior, but he started caring for me a bit more. I woke up to the sensation of his bony fingers touching my pulse, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him sitting on the side of the bed. He had never sat on the bed before, he tried to avoid me as if I had leprosy. He caught me being awake and stood up, told me some phrases about the weather outside and announce the time, then walked to the dresser to get me a new clean bedsheet.

\- Is that bed comfortable?

\- I beg your pardon…? – I stuttered. He never asked this before.

\- I iinquired if your bed was comfortable enough, or you wished to have another pillow.

\- Thank you… it is fine as it is.

\- How do you like tea? I put lemon in it and did not ask if you liked it that way or not. Do you perhaps enjoy it more in English way with milk?

\- I have always had mine with lemon, thank you.

\- Good. I accidentally met your taste. – He nodded and left the room.

Yet he did touch me when he was nursing me, he did not let me touch him. If I wanted to take his hand, he pulled away from me, he did not let me touch his shoulder for support while sitting up, or to caress him. He would always walk away, push away my fingers or pull his hand away. If he carried me somewhere I wasn't allowed to hug his neck.

\- I did not allow me to touch me. Don't be so intimate.

\- I thought I was allowed to at least to touch your hand.

\- Why would you do that? I don't want you to touch me and I suggest you to leave me the Hell alone.

\- Don't you like being touched at all?

\- No! – He growled.

I thought Erik would like someone to caress him finally, as it was something Christine did not do to him. But maybe exactly that was the matter? If Christine did not pet him, why would he accept affection from me when I am just nothing compared to her? To be honest, I would not enjoy the idea either to be touched by strangers I don't like, and they'd expect me to be happy for it. Maybe I was acting selfish.

\- I am sorry. – I apologized.

\- What on Earth are you sorry for?

\- For being selfish. I did not mean to force myself on you.

He looked at me with an indescribably look in his eyes, then scratched his head.

\- But WHY would you want to touch Erik…?

\- Because I like you.

\- Again this… nonsense…?

\- It isn't.

\- You only say so because you do not know Erik well enough. – He stated coldly.

\- I think I do.

\- No one knows him, not even himself. He cannot predict his own actions. You are… silly… and naïve.

\- Not stupid? – I tried to make sure he would not use such serious insults about me again as he did last time.

\- No. Just childish. Optimistic. Dreamy. An artist soul, always hoping the best. Introvert.

\- How do you know that? – I had a jawdrop.

\- I am a physiognomist. I can read your emotions by your expressions without a single word spoken to me. I know you.

\- Then you know what do I feel, right?

\- I know what you THINK you feel. But it is not true. Good night.

It was the first time he wished me a good night. I was confused of what to think of him. In one moment, he was cold and distant as a cliff, and the next he was talking to me in conversational way.

\- Erik, would you be so kind to tell me a story? – I asked softly before he wanted to walk away.

\- What the Hell? Do you confuse me with Sheherezade? – He retorted grumpily.

\- I wish to hear your voice a bit. I feel alone and I am bored.

\- Bored! – He growled. – And Erik shall entertain you!

\- Please…

\- Well then… do you wish to hear a bedtime story, eh? You shall receive one. – He walked to one of the armchairs, sat down, crossed his legs, leaned his elbowas against his knee and leaned closer towards my direction. – Well: Once upon a time, a long- long time ago… the Spanish inquisition! The end. – He got up from the chair and turned toward the door to leave.

\- What… how did this end…?

\- Well, so you know, you little bored princess suffering from insomnia, that how many people had THE END there? Thousands of people were tortured, blinded, beaten or tortured to death, hung, boiled alive… not to even mention decapitation or breaking on the wheel… and many more way of death I might rather not tell you… so be contented by the end.

\- It wasn't too happy as a bedtime story.

\- A real bedtime story worths nothing without a smaller panic attack. – He laughed out with that mournful laugh. – Sweet dreams!

I curled up in bed, covering my face. I wasn't crying, only disappointed. I was hurt about Erik's reaction towards me, when I thought I did not ask something so big of a favor. I did not move for a time. I believed Erik was already out of the room, but suddenly I heard his voice close to my head.

\- I ask for your forgiveness. I was mean. I am sorry. Sleep now. – I heard his footsteps as he walked out of the room.

Strangely, despite Erik's continuous efforts, I felt even worse, not better. There was temporary periods of being better, but my malaise was growing after that. I coughed so bad that I thought to be dead at any seconds, I was hardly able to moan a few words, I was wheezing and I had even less appetite. Erik seemed to be honestly worried. He even asked me what did I want to eat, yet earlier he got angry with me for being a picky eater.

\- I am not hungry. – I replied worn out. – I ask for nothing.

\- Well, even if it is so, you really ought to eat a few bites. – He looked at me with worry. – You will be even weaker if you stop eating, yet you would need to get stronger to fight the illness. If you are not strong enough, you won't get healed. Well… as you dislike fish, I guess you like chicken at least? Hm?

\- I do.

\- I then bring you some chicken soup. Eat it, will you…? Please.

\- Don't you want me to die? Why to fight when nobody likes me at all…?

My eyes got filled up with tears, but I suddenly felt something strange. A reassuring touch of a cold hand. He touched my face. Not to check my temperature, but to caress my face with the back of his hand. He did not say a single word, but said more with this touch than he could have said in a monologue in the length of the novel "Gone with the Winds".

He then disappeared for a quite long time, but arrived back with a bowl of soup which had awesome smell. He sat down on the side of my bed, helped me to sit up, then instead of giving me the bowl, he spoonfed me, caringly, with patience. My eyes grew wide with astonishment about his sudden kindness. He would just always put the food down on my lap, accompanied by "Here eat!"

It was sure a huge problem if he was so worried about my state…


	5. Die Erlkönig and the angel's choir

**Judit's POV:**

As I woke up in the middle of the night from a deep, mindless sleep, I felt I was extremely hot so I kicked the blankets off of my body and sighed. I expected to be alone again, as always, save from a few expections when Erik did actually show up in the Louis- Philippe room to take care of me. I turned my head to the side and only then I noticed the two candlelight- spots in the dark. They shone at me. He was there. He did not leave me there alone and sick, as I thought. He was watching over me the whole time. He noticed I was awake, then walked closer. He lit up a small tablelamp next to me, and leaned to my ear.

\- You have been sleeping for so long. – He stated. – Are you feeling better?

His inquiry surprised me, especially the tone of his voice. He seemed to be a bit of worried, which was unusual of his ice- cold matter of factly mad scientist behavior before.

\- I don't know. – I admitted softly. – It's strange…

\- What is the matter?

\- I can't breathe deep. I am tired.

\- That is not a good sign. – He sighed. – Well, don't get rid of your blanket, it is cold without it. – He covered me up again.

\- It is so hot here… - I said.

\- I know. That's how you feel because of fever. It returned. Damn. – He sat on the edge of the bed next to me, put his hand on my forehead, and then cleaned sweat off of it by a damp cloth. He put a thermometer in my mouth, and after he checked it, he shook it off with a deep sigh. That meant nothing good I feared. – Oh, shit. – He moaned.

Wow. He did not use the s-word yet.

\- Am I going to die? – I asked.

\- I don't know. – He admitted honestly. – I have been playing a tiring chess party with death. Once it is Erik who is about to win, and once, he isn't. – He looked at me in the eye. – But Erik is great at chess. He shall give checkmate.

\- The matter is just in how much steps are you going to do that. – I said.

\- Do you expect me to know everything? – His eyes narrowed. – If you are impatient and ungrateful, I might just as well stop playing.

\- I did not mean it that way. – I sighed. – You tend to…

\- To what?

\- To misunderstand me when I don't mean to hurt you.

\- Might well be the case. – He nodded. – I am not used to someone NOT wanting to hurt me.

\- Erik…? – I whispered his name in the air.

\- Yes?

\- Will you leave me here alone… again? I am afraid. – I was so scared he will disappear again and I stay there alone to die. He was maybe just checking on me out of routine…

\- Hush. Don't concentrate on Erik. Concentrate on getting better.

\- But you won't leave me…?

\- It would be better for you to be able to rest properly. But if you wish me here, I might stay.

\- I do.

\- Why?

\- Because I like you. And I am afraid if I am alone.

\- One has to learn to be alone and not depend on others. If you cling to people, they will hurt you.

\- But you won't.

\- Why are you so sure?

\- If you wanted to hurt me, you would have already done so.

\- Your naivity is laughable. – Erik chuckled. – You start to remind me of… well someone. – His tone changed to bitter suddenly.

\- Christine? – I finished his sentence.

\- She is Mademoiselle Daaé to you! – He growled.

\- She might be younger than me. – I stated. – And you clearly don't address me so kindly.

\- It is not about age or position if Erik may or may not address you as anything else than a stupid useless nosy bastard! – He yelled.

\- Thank you, I am not a bastard, I was born in a legitimate marriage, just to inform you.

\- Uhh. I am sorry, it was maybe a too harsh word to use. – He sighed. – Erik tends to use foul words when he is angry. But I don't understand something.

\- What is that you don't understand?

\- If I call you names, why don't you just do the same, as everyone else? Why do you start rather crying than yelling cusswords at me in return?

\- Because I don't yell. And I don't like to call people names. I was called enough. I don't wish to make others suffer.

\- Not even those who are mean to you? Not even a monster?

\- If the monster was referring to you then no, not even you. I would be just the same if I called them names in return. I wish to be the wiser, or well, the kinder.

\- Not even if I hurt you? Physically…?

\- Self defense is another cup of tea, you might receive a punch on your nonexistent nose if you try.

\- Uh oh! Finally, a little sass instead of whining. Are you capable of sarcasm? You surprise me.

\- I am full of surprises.

\- Hm, maybe you even go to the Opera because of the music, eh?

\- Why else would someone visit the Opera?

\- Naïve, yet again. Most people don't come to the Opera to enjoy music.

\- But to meet seducing masked strangers?

\- Ouch. – He laughed. – Touché.

What the Hell? Did he actually LIKE being teased? He sat down at the edge of my bed and looked me deeply in the eye.

\- What is your name, really? – He tilted his head to the side. – I know you had told me before, but I forgot it as I did not care.

\- It's Judit. – I told him. - But you may call me Juti. I like this more because my friends call me that.

\- Who said we were friends? – He retorted. – Let's stay with Judit, it is good enough. It bothers me enough you call me Erik, but sadly I have no another name to call me by. It is too intimate you call me by the name Christine addressed me by.

\- Shall I call you Monsieur le Fantome then?

\- Oh no. You may call me Erik. As I said, it is my only name.

\- Will you stay with me until I die? – I sighed, suddenly feeling extremely worn out. – I am afraid I die alone. It sure will be painful… or not? Erik, it won't hurt too much…? – I shivered, I wasn't sure if from cold or fever.

\- You are not going to die. – His voice was so reassuring. He touched my hand and patted it. He looked in my eyes, trying to give me a bit of strength. His cold and bony fingers lay on the top of my hand, and I twirled my fingers around them. It was the first occasion he did not pull away when I touched him. I felt an uncomfortable worry. The Elf king came to my mind from Schubert's song. Is Erik able to protect me from its power?

\- What a strange thing. – He murmured in front of himself, rather talking out loud than talking to me. – She is afraid of death, and yet she squeezes the skeletal hand of a corpse.

A strange thing, really. I knew what Erik looked like, and really, he was thin as a skeleton, but I wasn't afraid of him. It was not only about he was the only person there with me. I wouldn't have been afraid anyway.

I was laying in the bed, holding Erik's bony fingers tightly as I could, and slowly slipped in a half- reality, surrounded by some strange fog. Suddenly I heard some beautiful music, and smiled.

\- Why are you smiling? – He asked.

\- Did you hear that…?

\- What? – He leaned closer to me worriedly.

\- This beautiful music… I think it was in g minor… it was stunning… but it ended.

\- Oh, that one…? Yes- yes… it was beautiful, wasn't it? – He acted as if he was just agreeing to my nonsense.

\- Who was playing?

\- The angels. Sometimes you can hear them.

\- Really?

\- Mhm. – He nodded.

\- When…?

\- When you are close to them. – He sighed with a sad smile.

\- They are not playing anymore… it is over.

\- Everything ends once. – He said with a strange intonation, not directly looking at me. – Even the most beautiful of melodies come at an end at some point.

Some time later, when I regained my senses after a strange half- dream, I searched Erik, tiredly, but unable to sleep. I was still anxious. I felt some cold wind, and guessed it was the Erlkönig already. Or the horseman on the gray , a Requiem… Erik wasn't holding my hand any more. The Erlkönig was going to take me away! I haven't written anything worthy yet. I was going to die as there will be no trace of my existence.

\- Erik… you… here? – I still did not recognize my own voice, it seemed to be so gravely. I reached out in the air, searching for the opportunity to touch Erik again. Where is Erik…?

\- Yes, I am here. I told you I wasn't going to leave. – The bony hand touched my hand from the side, as he was again sitting in the armchair next to the bed. I grabbed his fingers again, and he did not pull away. He let me collect bravery from his touch.

 _Lux aeterna luceat eis domine_

 _Cum sanctis tuis in aeternum qui a pius es._

The soprano solo from Mozart's Requiem was ringing in mye ears.

\- Erik… I so would have loved to… compose something good. I… did not… write anything major.

\- And anything minor? – He inquired, half jokingly, but I wasn't in the mood to laugh.

\- And I won't ever.

\- Don't think of these things. – He scolded. – And don't talk about yourself already as if you were dead. Don't give up the fight, I am unable to help you if you stop fighting.

\- Will you compose a Requiem for me?

\- Stop talking and wasting your breath, child.

\- Erik, please promise… you will write… a Requiem for me… - I wheezed exhaustedly, finding it way too painful to talk.

\- I promise just stop talking. It will be as you wish. Try to focus on something else, child.

\- I try… but these things… come to… my mind… - I was hardly able to breathe, I coughed.

\- You are feeling ill, that is why. I try my best to help. – He stood up and freed his hand from my grip, and returned with a small bottle. – Drink this.

The liquid in the bottle had a strangementhol scent and flavor. It was quite good, to be honest. My nose wasn't stuffed anymore as I drank, and I got air more easily, but started coughing a bit too forcefully. Erik took the bottle back and placed it on top of the small end table then sat me up so I could cough more easily. He supported me in the sitting position until my coughing fit finally reduced some. I was coughing up blood. He held a handkerchief in front of my face and I saw the small stains on it.

\- Don't be alarmed, it was to be expected. – Erik's voice was unusually kind, regarding I was making a huge mess.

\- Sorry. – I wheezed.

\- For what? Being ill?

\- For bleeding on your bed.

\- You did not. But I would not be angry even if you did. Please calm down. Shall I read you something? Will it settle you?

\- Would you do it? – I asked with growing hope.

\- Of course. – He replied with compassion. – Is there something you wish? I have many books in my library.

\- Do you have by any chance… The Tale of Tsar Saltan by Puskin…?

\- In original Russian or English?

\- English please… I don't speak Russian.

\- I have it. Actually I wanted to compose music for it, but I always procrastinate it. I will be back soon. – Shortly he returned with a book and sat down next to me again. He started reading on his angelic tone, with mastery acting. Suddenly his tone changed to a sad and hurt tone when he reached to the part:

 _"Your tsaritsa, sire, last night_

 _Was delivered of a fright –_

 _Neither son nor daughter, nor_

 _Have we seen its like before."_

He stopped reading for a few second, staring in front of himself, turning away and drying his eyes with his sleeve. He cleared his throat.

\- I am sorry. – I said.

\- What for? – He turned back to me.

\- I did not want to make you sad. I should have remembered this part.

\- Oh… - He looked at me with a strange expression in his eyes, then he continued. – You did not upset me. – He stated softly but kindly. – Just… my eyes get tired sometimes, that is all. These letters are a bit small you know. And Erik is a bit of old, and his eyes aren't like before, you know… well.. it doesn't matter. – He picked up the book from his lap again, continuing the story from where he left off.

He read the whole story, with perfect intonation, giving another tone of his voice for each character and the narration. Not even the narration is his own usual voice, it is even more pleasant if it is possible. It was a pleasure to listen to. He wasn't simply reading, but acting it out. For female characters he used a bit of higher pitched, but not over acted voice. Well, it was such a great thing to hear that I would say it worth laying in bed with fever for this. I was a bit like feeling better though. I wasn't even that much afraid. When he was finished with reading, he closed the book and placed it down on the table, then looked at me.

\- Better a bit?

\- Yes.

\- Good. – He nodded, leaning closer, putting his hand on my forehead. – Try to sleep a bit, it helps.

\- But you won't leave me here alone…? For hours… to die…?

\- Mostly not, only if I have to leave the room for some reason. But I won't take long. Don't worry.

\- You are so kind now.

\- I try my best. – He shrugged. – No one deserves to die alone, or with a monster.

\- So… will I really die?

\- I honestly don't know. – Erik sighed sadly. – I try to save you. Well, sleep now, will you…? Please.

I closed my eyes as I felt a bit of weak and tired, really. For some minutes I tried to listen in the air to catch an evidence of Erik still being in the room, and I had realized with relief that he was still there, sitting next to me. After a time I fell asleep.

 **Erik's diary:**

 **27** **th** **May, 1881**

 _What has happened to Erik? He really dislikes people and tries his best not to interact with them, and here he is now, having this nosy little thing in his house for days, assisting her, constantly working to make her feel better and only now he realized he would be sad if this thing died._

 _But WHY? I don't know her, and to be honest, she is nothing special. She is just a naïve childish thing, much more childish than her age. She actually acts like a baby. But she is not to be blamed, I think. Maybe people from the future raise their daughters this way? Well, I'd more appreciate a stronger, more independent creature next to me, not one I constantly have to baby. I am not even this type._

 _But I am surprised at myself that tending to her is not much of a burden to me. Yes, I'd rather spend my time composing, if I was yet Erik. But… I wanted to die anyway. After Christine left, I wished to leave this Earth, until I literally ran into this girl. There is something I am good for – there is something to keep me occupied at last. I am not alone. And.., I have to admit she has her good moments._

 _One thing I don't understand is why does she insist on liking me? Why, if I am actually a monster to her? She said something along the lines of she understood what I was going through, as she was hurt a lot as well. But why? She is not ugly. She has kind of cute and small nose, round and young face, and nice eyes. Why would someone hurt her?_

 _At least I sincerely hope she won't die._

 _I can't believe I just wrote this about a stranger when I did not even give a second thought about leaving the Daroga drown in the Torture Chamber._


	6. A Face which earned

Judit's POV:

Slowly I felt better. I don't really know about what made my health turn to the better, as Erik did just the same things he had done before. Only the taste of the medicin changed to sweeter than it was, but I did not notice anything else changing, but the important thing was my coughing fits reduced then disappeared, and my fever ceased, then finally broke. In a week, it was only a moderate cold with sore throat.

He gave me some liquid medicin four times a day, exactly in the same hours. My daily routine got tiringly predictable and boring. As he saw I was starting to get well enough to function normally, he stated that I was able to take care of myself, so he stopped being my nurse, as he got tired of constantly jumping around me. I was in a way happy that I did not have to be embarrassed in front of a man, and did not need his constant help anymore, and I was able to live as a normal person. He appeared in the Louis Philippe room only in the morning and at night to check on me, other times I was left alone to do whatever I wanted. This was partly good, as he was rather grumpy most of the time again. It seems like only my extremely weak and feverish state of health touched his heart somehow, but other ways he still did not care about me. Otherways, though it was extremely boring to just sit and walk around in that same room forever. I memorized each piece of furniture and objects in this room and I was extremely annoyed looking at the same four walls and environment for weeks. I decided, as I was well enough to be up and about and only lay down in the bed to sleep at night that I will try to explore the rest of the house.

I pressed the doorknob, slowly, hoping I wasn't locked inside. No, the door opened. From the Louis- Philippe room I found myself in a smaller tetragonal passageway with wooden wall cover, a huge blue- yellow Persian rug on the wooden floor, and doors at each sides. Finally some changes in the environment. As I stepped out of the doorway of "my" room, I looked around to see if Erik noticed me or not. I heard or saw nothing so I became braver, and walked straight forward to the room which lacked a door. All the other directions had wooden doors which were closed, but the room in front of me had only a wooden arched door-frame. I walked in, and looked around. It was the dining room in which Christine had her lunch with Erik on that strange first date he arranged for her. The walls were painted a darker shade of yellow, nearly orange, the floor was made of wood here as well, and at the center, there was a smaller round rug under the single small round table, which was covered with a beautiful table-cover with lacey borders, and two chairs with high back rest. But my attention was instantly caught by the grand piano and the harp in each further corners of the room. I wondered why Erik placed the instruments in the dining room and not his salon, but well, whatever makes him comfortable. The piano was brown, had many fretwork on it, and the Érard logo. I loved to look at pianos, especially at ones so highly decorated. Well, these Victorians had more beautiful furniture and even the musical instruments were a work of art in this time period. I got extremely curious of how such a piano might sound.

Looking around one more time I sat down on the piano bench and opened the fall board. The white keys were made of ivory, I could see it from the color. I gently caressed them before hitting a few notes just randomly, only by right hand. Then I got braver and placed my left on the bass keys as well, and slowly started Für Elise. The piano had a stunningly beautiful sound. Well, it was noticeable I haven't touched a piano in weeks, as I messed up a few notes, and my fingers weren't moving as easily on the keys as usual, but it was nice to play music finally. I played my most favorite pieces, Mozart's Alla Turca, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata's first movement, and some smaller pieces I wanted to use for warm – up. Originally I wanted to explore the house, but the piano caught my attention and my heart, so I stuck there. I had no opportunity to explore the other rooms around the Louis- Philippe room.

I don't know for how long I was playing, but when I stopped to rest my fingers a bit, and cracked them to make them more flexible, I heard someone clearing his throat behind me. As I turned back I saw Erik standing at the table. He stood straight, looking at the wall far above my head. Well, it was to be expected that piano playing will be heard. I wasn't sure if Erik was angry or not, he was just staring at me from behind his black mask, but I could not read his thoughs. Touching his piano might not be allowed for me…

\- Sorry. Wasn't it good? – I asked softly.

\- Stop cracking your fingers. No one informed you about it being bad for your joints?

\- Oh… only that? – I asked hopefully.

\- You might also put on some proper clothes if you wish to be in my company. I have not much urge to watch you in negligée. It is extremely inappropriate to go around like this around a man, you should have been taught to have some manners.

\- I hadn't seen the only clothes I wore since I am here. – It was really only a nightgown I wore which Erik gave me, but I had nothing else to wear.

\- I put them in the dresser after I washed them. Second drawer, left side. You should be thankful that I bothered to wash them instead of throwing them away, they were bloody from your head wound. Blood comes out rather hard.

\- Oh thanks. – I said surprisedly.

\- Welcome. – He shrugged.

\- And… after I put them on, am I allowed to come back here to be with you?

\- You are. Though I don't understand why you would want to be around me.

\- Because I like you.

I replied, and walked back in the Louis- Philippe room to get dressed. As I pulled out the drawer I noticed my T shirt folded perfectly, and under it, there were my jeans. They smelled good and were washed and ironed. I was happy Erik did not throw away my T shirt, it was one of my favorites. A pink one, with the text "That's a Sharp, not a Hashtag" written in black on the front. I wondered what Erik might have thought when he saw it. I smiled. I loved language and music puns a lot, so I loved the shirt a lot. I got dressed, putting even my socks on so I won't show my ankle. I read online that it was forbidden for girls and considered to be impolite. Now I wore pants, but better than the nightshirt I guess. I wanted to go out again, but suddenly I noticed my watch on the dresser. It wasn't lost! With glee I put it on. Erik found it again for me.

I ran out again to the dining room, but Erik wasn't there anymore. Well, maybe he did not want to socialize it looks like that. Maybe he sent me back to my room to get rid of me until he disappeared? With a sigh I sat down to one of the chairs at the desk and looked around. I was examining the wall decorations, the pattern on the rug, and the harp. I have never touched a harp before, but I wasn't sure if Erik would allow me to do so or not. I rather did not touch it, but explored the rest of the room. It had two other doors, a normal door, which was opened and led to the kitchen, which was a small but friendly room with stone wall and tile, many wooden counters, a stove and a china cabinet. There were some stairs down to another door at the back of the kitchen, but I did not wish to explore it, as I assumed it to be some kind of food cellar, which would be logical with the kitchen. As I found nothing more special there, I turned away and walked to the other door frame which was leading to the salon, it seemed. Well, now I understood, peeking in the room, why the piano and the harp weren't in the salon. Simply, they did not fit. The drawing room, however large it was, could not contain the grand piano. It had red and golden striped wallpaper, but not much could be seen of it, as three walls were totally covered by bookcases. There were thousands of books all around, and on the fourth wall, there was a fireplace in the middle, in front of it, a table, two armchairs and a sofa were placed, similarly to the Louis Philippe room. There was another clock on the mantelpiece, with a framed picture. I could not see the figure in it, so I collected my bravery and walked closer. The soft huge rug felt so good under my feet as I crossed the room. I examined the picture from closer, and I could now see it was a drawing, perhaps by graphite, and depicted a nice looking young girl. It was framed and had glass covering, so I dared to touch it and take it from its place. What a mastery little portrait. Did Erik draw it? And who that might be?

\- Who are you, lady? – I asked playfully.

\- Christine. – I heard Erik's voice from behind me.

I did not notice he was there before, but he might have as well come here just now. I did not hear footsteps, but it rarely happened with Erik, so I never knew where he was. I replaced the picture to its place, hoping Erik wasn't mad at me for taking it away.

\- Beautiful. – I sighed dreamily. – Did you draw it?

\- Yes. – He nodded. – But it is not as beautiful as her. No artist can ever depict such a beauty. – He sat down to the sofa with a deep sigh.

\- Sorry I picked it up. – I apologized.

\- You may look at her. – He shrugged. – Don't apologize for every move of yours. You have a pitiful "sorry for being alive" attitude. What is your problem, really?

\- I don't wish to anger you.

\- You are fine. I will tell you when you are not. – He looked at me with kinder expression in his eyes. – But even if I warn you it is not the end of the world. You are a good and kind girl, really. You are just raised in a different manner than the girls nowadays, but I don't mind it. Just it bothers me that I have an impression that you fear me.

\- I just am afraid I might do something that bothers you.

\- Just do whatever you want to.

\- Then may I just be with you? Do I bother you if I stay here?

\- No. – He answered simply.

For some minutes we were silent, but I wished to talk to him. Finally, we were at least in the same room, but he still did not say a single word, neither to me, nor just thinking out loud. He sat like a skeletal motionless statue, on the sofa. He just stated I did not bother him, so maybe if I try to communicate with him, I won't be sent away…? I thought it was strange that he still did not talk about even music, which would have been a great mutual subject. He just heard me playing. No remark…?

\- Umm… your piano is beautiful. – I started hesitantly.

\- Indeed. – He nodded.

\- Also it has a beautiful sound.

\- It does.

\- I… I played it and…

\- I heard. – He nodded again.

\- And…?

\- And what? – He finally looked up at me.

\- Was it good?

\- Acceptable. – He shrugged.

\- Any suggestions to make it better…?

\- Your "Alla Turca" is girly. – He stated.

\- What do you mean by "girly"?

\- Not fast enough and too soft. It is a march. Make it more staccato – like at some places. Für Elise sounds like you are about to sleep. So is Moonligh Sonata. You are lacking passion.

Finally some full sentences! I had to admit he was right – I knew I played slow.

\- Would you show me how to play better…?

Well, to be honest, I could have figured it out by myself, but I so wished to hear Erik playing. The novel stated many times that he was an excellent musician, and I adored music to no end. Erik playing Alla Turca, which was my all time favorite, would have meant the world to me.

\- No. – He replied drily.

\- Why…?

\- Because Erik does not have the urge to play music.

\- Why?

\- Must I reason everything? – He snorted. – Erik is not a music box that just has to be wound up. He is an artist and he only plays if he wants to.

\- And will you want to play once? Maybe later…?

\- How the Hell should I know it in advance about what mood I will be in later? Now I don't wish to play. I haven't played since…

\- Since…?

\- Since she left. – He groaned.

\- Oh sorry. I did not know.

\- Apology accepted. – He nodded. – Are you a music student, perhaps? – He asked casually.

\- Yes, I graduated in Music major.

\- Graduated…? How old are you?

\- I am 28 years old.

\- Strange. – He examined me just if he saw me for the first time. – You look younger than that.

\- Many people say so. – I smiled.

\- I thought you were about 22. 25 the most maybe. So… music major. Which field?

\- Conducting and music theory.

\- Good. – He nodded. – As you would be a mediocre concert pianist.

\- I know. Well, to be honest I don't like to practice.

\- No one does.

\- Not even you?

\- No. – He shook his head. – Thankfully I needed less practice to play well. But really no one likes or actually wants to practice. It is just the matter of being hardworking and determined. In a way, you have to be the slave of music itself, only then you can improve.

\- And… may I ask something else…?

\- Eh?

\- What kind of a composer I am?

\- Good enough, being a beginner.

\- Really? – I exclaimed happily, knowing it was a great praise from such an experienced, talented and strict musician as Erik.

\- Yes. That piece saved your life. Good enough for a starter piece. Pleasantly mournful it was.

\- Thank you. – I smiled at him widely.

\- Mhm. – He looked at me and shrugged. – Will you stand there all day?

\- Am I allowed to sit…?

\- Yes.

\- May I sit next to you or will it be too close?

\- You may sit close to Erik, but you shall not touch the mask, as if it happens I would have to hurt you. – He answered cautiously.

\- I did not plan to touch your mask, I know you don't like it. But is it okay to touch you…?

\- I don't see why would you want to touch Erik, but if it is your highest desire, then you are allowed to do so.

I sat down next to him and put my palm on his hand. He did not protest by a word or did not pull away. He looked at me rather doubtfully though. After a few seconds he leaned closer and asked:

\- Is it not too cold…?

\- No. – I replied naturally.

\- But… my hands are always cold and sweaty. – He stuttered. This was the first occasion he seemed to be insecure.

\- Mine too. – I shrugged.

\- No. – He disagreed. – Yours are rather warm. Compared to Erik's… so warm… so good.

\- So you like it?

\- I do. – He admitted nearly inaudibly. – Are you for real…? I mean, if Erikis just hallucinating and you are in your room, or…

\- I am right here. – I said.

\- Good. – He sighed in relief. – Erik always wished someone to touch him. But he is unpleasant for people to touch. He is cold.

\- Yes, your hands are cool. But not unpleasant.

\- You sure? – He blinked confusedly. – No one said otherwise than me being disgusting.

\- That word is rather harsh and evil to describe you.

\- Why, how would you describe me?

\- Honestly?

\- Yes. Be honest.

\- You can be very kind if you want to but mostly you are rather distant and grumpy. But I like you this way. You are like a cat. A huge cat.

\- Cat…?

\- Yes, but I love cats.

\- So… would you actually desire Erik to be more… informal to you?

\- It would be great, yes.

\- Won't you be disgusted if Erik… shows up more?

\- Not at all, I would enjoy your company. I thought you did not like me at all, so that is why you never come around and don't talk to me.

\- I don't mind you here. – He answered hesitantly. – You keep telling Erik kind things which he isn't used to. But you make me embarrassed for the same reason. I don't know how to… respond to a compliment. And I don't understand why you are not afraid of me.

\- I am not at all.

\- Maybe only because you haven't seen Erik's face yet. – He sighed. – Christine could bear my presence… more or less… until… - He buried his masked face in his skeletal hands and I saw his shoulders shook with crying.

I comfortingly tapped and stroke his shoulder and back, which act alarmed him at first, but seeing I did not want to harm him, he slowly relaxed and cried for some time. I let him cry freely, and tried to comfort him as much as I could. Slowly he stopped it and turned to me, whispering "Sorry".

\- Never be ashamed of crying. – I encouraged him. - It is a good thing if a man isn't afraid of showing emotions.

\- It is a strange thing. – He said, somewhat calmer. – Before I fell in love, I stopped crying for decades. I did not think I was capable of it any more. I was tough, emotionless and evil. But… since she showed up in my life I cry like a goddamned baby over everything and write ridiculously sickeningly slobbery music I used to despise earlier.

\- It is not bad. You have a heart. – I smiled at him.

\- Having a heart is more painful than not having one. I tried both. Yet I don't understand myself. I keep repeating the same mistakes. Getting too closer to someone just to receive a kick again.

\- Why do you say that?

\- Because… well, what shall happen if you saw my face, eh? I bet your kindness and naivity would turn to sheer horror. – He growled bitterly.

\- I know what you look like. – I replied.

\- You _think_ you know what I look like. – He corrected me. – You had read some lines about my deformity. And? I don't think you are capable of imagining such a terrible face.

\- I bet it is not _that_ bad.

\- Ha! – He jumped up suddenly. – I know what you are up to! You wish to remove the mask to see if it is! – He held his hand protectively in front of the mask.

\- Erik, I think we should clear this up. What about a bet?

\- Bet…? – He lowered his hands in chest height and eyed me suspiciously.

\- Yes. Show me your face. I bet I won't get scared of it. If I am right, you will believe me when I say I liked you, right?

\- And what if you scream in my face which I absolutely hate? – He groaned.

\- Well, then you may do whatever you wish to me. Lock me in the cellar or something…

\- **Kill** you. – He pointed at me. – If you lie to me and humiliate me in the worst way possible I kill you. Painfully.

\- In the Torture Chamber?

\- Worse. – He stated coldly. – So do you _still_ wish to see Erik's face? – He hissed, I think, hoping I will change my mind.

\- Yes. – I nodded bravely, knowing it can't be much surprise. I was a phan for too long time and searched for skull faces with Google for too many times that I should faint upon a deformity. And finally, I was going to find out what he looked like.

\- You brought it on yourself and Erik is not responsible for the happenings. – He said darkly, while stepping closer. – If you are tired of being alive… I dare you… remove the mask.

He leaned closer, his yellow eyes flashing with a sudden, hardly controlled fit of passion, but he tried his best to stay the calmest possible until it turned out what to do to me. I think, in his mind he was actually planning my death as I reached my hand to that silk black cloth covering his face. He was wheezing and stared at me, looking at each of my moves and facial expressions. As I touched the mask, he pulled backwards for a moment, out of habit, but he closed his eyes and came back so I was able to slip it off of his head.

I did not scream when his face got visible. I absolutely expected something similar.

His yellowish pale skin was covered in various scars on his face, some of them were quite fresh, looked like they were scratching of a cat. Maybe it was from Christine while that infamous unmasking. As his eyes were closed, they really looked like just as a skull's head, yet they were not that much sunken as I would have imagined. His nose was missing, the nose hole was kind of round- shaped, shorter than what I pictured for hm while trying to draw him. The lips were also deformed, mostly showing his teeth, and the lips he still had intact were extremely thin, colorless. Under his "nose", there was a v-shaped missing part of his upper lip, his jaw was slightly sunken, so his upper lip jumped more forward than the lower, making it nearly impossible for him to properly close his mouth. The cheeks were also flat, because of the extreme level of his thinness, this just made his face more skull- like. Just as on his hands, it was possible to locate and name each bones in his face. He had higher set ears that stuck out a bit, allowing his mid-brown hair to fall behind them.

I was examining him curiously, appreciating the fact that he did not just show his face for a second and put the mask back on. He seemed to be frozen in place with unmasked face, waiting for my reaction. His eyes slowly opened, to see what I was doing. My face was just a few inches away from his as I was looking at his features.

\- Let me guess… - He started on a gruff and ominous voice. – You are so shocked… you aren't even able to scream.

\- It is not the case. – I informed him. – Not the least.

\- Then….? – His eyes widened in surprise.

\- May I tell you what I think?

\- Yes. – He groaned bitterly.

I slowly reached out for him and gently, not to scare him, caressed his face from his forehead to his chin. With my thumb I massaged his left ear a bit, then looked at him questioningly.

\- Wh… wha… wha… what…? – The tone of his voice got higher and higher pitched, in the end it sounded like a five year old's. I never imagined he was capable of giving out such sounds.

\- Did you like it? – I asked.

\- What the Hell… just happened…? – He stood up straight, crossed his hands behind his back, and then started walking in circles in the room, sometimes sending some glances towards me. He seemed to be insane.

\- Erik…? – I called out nervously.

What if he just went crazy?

He suddenly walked back in front of me, staring at me in utter confusion then slowly leaned closer again.

\- Do… it… again. – He said on a voice I did not recognize as his.

\- I beg your pardon?

\- Repeat what you have done earlier. – He tried to collect his sanity and talk as if nothing have happened before, yet he was rolling his eyes in a strange way.

I did as he asked, but this time, I also petted the top of his head, and his hair. Erik's jaw dropped and his eyes got wide open again and he was just able to spit out:

\- What… what… is your problem… _really_ …?

With a shudder, he finally passed out on the floor in front of my feet with a painful moan.


	7. An honest talking

**Judit's POV**

I was worried that Erik lost his consciousness, so I went to the guest bathroom, which I knew so well already, to wet a cloth. The bathroom had cream and white tiles on the wall and floor as well, contained a huge tub, a toilet slightly separated from the rest of the room with a half-wall, and a sink. There was indeed both hot and cold water in the house which was rare in this time as I read. Unlike the Louis-Philippe room, where I could find no trace of a previous inhabitant, the bathroom still gave away another woman's presence before me, as in the small cabinet above the sink there was a perfume bottle, half full. Christine's perfume. She also left here a hairbrush, some hairpins and a bar of scented soap. I was curious of what the perfume might smell like, but I never dared to use it, as it wasn't "mine".

As the cloth got wet enough, but did not drip anymore, I ran back to Erik. He was still on the floor but his eyes were already open. I knelt down to him, and examined his face worriedly. I carefully placed the cloth on his forehead, but he tossed it off.

\- No, thanks. – He shook his head faintly.

\- Are you okay? – I called out nervously.

\- I am… - He mumbled in front of himself softly, trying to sit up. – Wait… what did you ask? – He got into another shock, with a jawdrop.

\- I asked if you were all right. – I repeated.

\- Oh… yes… no… yes… - He scratched his head and ran his shaky fingers through his few locks of thin hair. – yes… maybe… did you really care about… Erik… Erik being all right…?

\- Yes, I got worried about you fainted.

\- Eh… it happens.

\- Do you have some kind of illness which makes you faint? – I inquired with compassion.

\- No… none that I know of… only if… I have a… a… shock or something, it happens.

\- I am sorry I caused you such a shock.

\- Umm.. well… okay.

He collected his strength and stood up, dragging himself to the couch and sat down a bit. He leaned back on the backrest, and took a deep breath. I did not know how he had felt, but I was still worried he might be sick. A long uncomfortable pause came, and I did not know what to do to ease Erik's pain. Maybe this unmasking wasn't the greatest idea. I totally messed his feelings up, even with the kindest of my intents. I wasn't sure if talking will solve the things, but maybe it is better if he lets it out, so I asked:

\- Erik, are you angry I removed the mask?

No answer came for some time. Erik sat like he heard nothing, sometimes massaging his temples, as he had a terrible headache, rocking back and forth. When he got fed up with that, he jumped up and walked around the room again, sometimes returning in front of me as if he was going to say something, but in the end, he always changed his mind, and abruptly turned his back at me, and walked to the couch again. He was playing drums with two fingers on his deformed lips while blowing air through his mouth, which made a funny sound, but I started to worry abou him. Poor thing. What have I done…?

\- No… I think not. – He replied long minutes later, looking directly at me.

\- What do you think of this situation then?

\- I am not sure what to think. – He admitted. – Don't come closer. – He added as he noticed I took a step towards him.

\- Why?

\- I don't know. – He said, but held his hands in front of him with protest.

\- All right. – I nodded, as I did not want to upset him, so I just sat down in an armchair.

Erik did not know what to say or do. He did not come closer, he knelt down on the floor, wheezing. I really worried he might get a heart attack being so worked up. He did breathe quicker and quicker, then turned white as the wall. He jumped up and ran out of the room suddenly, as fast as he could. When he returned, some moments later, he looked rather sick.

\- Erik, you okay? – I inquired.

\- I don't know.

\- Are you sick…?

\- Not any more. – He shook his head with a tired sigh. – Sorry.

Poor thing. He was so nervous he threw up and it is him who asks for forgiveness. What kind of a life he must have suffered through if he feels like he has to apologize for being sick?

\- It is I who should apologize, Erik. I did not think you will be so nervous. Forgive me.

– It... it is..it is all right, but… just leave me alone a bit. Go.. away… I mean to your room… please.

He sounded rather clueless and hurt, so I obeyed as I did not wish to cause more pain for him. I walked in the Louis- Philippe room and closed the door. I sat down on the bed with a deep sigh.

I knew I will mess up.

 **Erik's diary**

 ** _8_** ** _th_** ** _June, 1881_**

 _Erik must be crazy by now, that is for sure. All of this scene that took place right now should have been only his hallucination. How could a girl pet this head? I don't even dare to write it down. Christine, my dear sweet, modest and decent Christine made such a sacrifice by kissing Erik on the forehead. And this girl who saw me for the first time in my life and met my hideousness, dared to pet me TWICE. She stroke my face. Twice. TWICE._

 _If this scene really happened in reality, I shall feel utterly sorry for this miserable little creature, as she must be even blinder than I thought. But if she can't see me, she still can feel! Feel that horrible coldness of my body which turns the roses to icecubes. I sometimes think that everything I touch will wither away slowly, in pain. I make every beautiful thing die._

 _Every normal person reacts to Erik's face by horror and screaming on such a tone I can't handle. My ears… oh my ears… And she…? She pets me. Why? Why is she so kind to me? I am an absolute monster to her all the time, and… she is kind. She tells me so nice things I never heard from anyone, not even Christine. She said one thing to me and the other to the young sailor bastard. She said I should work less on Don Juan so I won't die soon, yet she told de Chagny I must be a terrible sight at daylight._

 _I am a terrible sight at moonlight and at daylight and at any source of light. Yet she is kind to me._

 _While Erik is a total mess and a disgusting stupid freak. He cannot take affection without his stomach being turned. I bet she has her opinion about my disgusting behavior. Erik's stomach is as disgusting as Erik's face. His whole body is a mess. Why does she like me? She claimed so, numerous times. Should I believe her…?_

 _And how should I be the distant, frightful Phantom if she pets me as I was a puppy? Who should I be? Who CAN I be?_

 _Well, music might settle my mind (and my stomach). I hope so._

 **Judit's POV:**

I don't know how much time passed since I was sent into my room, as I did not care to follow the time, I wasn't in the best mood to tell the truth. I was thinking about my relationship with Erik and wondered what shall happen next. Will Erik send me away? What will happen to him here alone if there will be no one to comfort him? Christine just left. Seemingly, Erik found me when I did the time travel, so actually we are after the novel's happenings. Will he able to and willing to accept my friendship? And what will happen to me if I am to be wandering on the streets of Paris all alone? I have no urge to turn out to be a Victorian beggar. I know nothing other than music and I am just a girl in weird clothes. I know nothing of this century's habits. I will be a weirdo.

Suddenly music woke me up from my musings. A church organ's majestic sound made its way through the wall of my room, and enchanted me instantly. Erik was playing. Well, it seems he fled to music after this unmasking as well, just like after the one that took place between Christine and him. I had to admit that he was playing beautiful, but utterly sad and desperate melodies. I have never heard them before so I assumed them to be his own compositions. Can it be Don Juan Triumphant? Music was flowing continuously for hours, until he presumably got all worn out as there was no any sound for a long time. I was bored yet again, and a bit of worried. Did something happen to him perhaps? If he did not directly ask for solitude, I would have checked on him to make sure he was all right at least. Slowly, as I was bored and a bit tired, I lay down on the bed and slowly fell asleep.

When I woke up and sat up on the bed I noticed I wasn't alone anymore. Erik was sitting near the fireplace, looking at me. I had no idea when did he enter as I did not wake up to the noise he made, if he made any. He was again wearing the mask, so I could not see any of his face, but his movements indicated he was much calmer, but stood up right after he acknowledged my awakeness.

\- Did you have a nice nap? – He asked casually and politely.

\- Yes, thank you. – I smiled. I wasn't sure though, what to ask, or if I should wait until he starts speaking by his own will. I chose the latter, which seemed to be the wiser.

\- I am delighted to hear that. – He said. – If you are willing to join me at the drawing room, I am waiting for you. I guess we would need a talk.

He did not sound irritated at all, on the contrary. He was a total gentleman so I followed him without hesitation. In the salon, he offered me a seat at the most comfortable place in the whole room and he did not sit until I was comfortable at my seat. He then sat in the chair facing me and said:

\- Thank you for the honour of your presence here with me.

For a split second I believed he was mocking me, as he did before, but those eyes reflected nothing but sincerity at that moment.

\- It is really nothing. – I replied in embarrassment.

\- More than… you could think. – He cleared his throat and continued. – So… I know it is an awkward subject, but let us clear things up a bit. So, you seemed to prove me the fact you weren't afraid of my deformity. Now, I would like to ask: what shall we do now?

\- Why, don't you have a plan?

\- I used to have one, but your continuous kindness and your latest act made me completely confused. I did not plan to kill you after I nursed you back to health, but wanted to keep you somewhere separated from me and figure out how to send you back to your time. If you came here, there must be a way back. But… you see, Erik… never heard so kind words from anyone and… now he doesn't know what he should do to you, really. What do you wish to do?

\- I wish to be your friend.

\- It is unknown to me. What does a friend do in reality? Christine called me "my friend", but I doubt she liked me at all.

\- Well, if you accept, I will be here with you and support you emotionally, and make you laugh, and… all that you did to Christine, but… I will actually like you.

\- Sounds nice enough, but won't you regret being stuck in the "past" with a monster?

\- You are not a monster. Well, I would be kind of helpless without you here, to begin with. As you might have noticed, I am not an ordinary girl here.

\- Are you not hurt or upset if I ask… are you quite all right in the head?

\- Some people already called me crazy, so I am not sure. May I ask why did you take the mask back on?

\- I prefer to wear it.

\- You don't have to. I am totally fine with your face.

\- That is kind of you, but I would rather keep it on. I feel vulnerable without it or the prostethic nose.

\- I'd suggest the nose then, as it must be more comfortable to you too, and to be honest I am… so a bit of… uneasy to look at a black mask all the time.

\- You can still see most of my face with the prostetic nose on as well… I can attach a beard to it so you can't see my lips, but mostly I only wear the nose… are you sure you will be all right with that? I dislike if people get disgusted of my sight, so don't force it on me if you can't stand my sight.

\- Absolutely yes. – I nodded.

\- Well, then excuse me for a second.

He stood up and left for a time. When he returned, he was looking like a skull with a fake nose, no more and no less. His flat cheeks were showing, and his sunken eyes were visible, but as I did not show any disgust, he dared to sit back on his place.

\- Thank you for not covering your face. – I smiled.

\- As you wish. – He nodded. – Well, I'd like if you told me about yourself. As we are so intimate that you know Erik's face, and mostly everything about him from your book, I'd appreciate to know you better.

\- I am not that interesting… but sure. – I grinned shyly. – So: I came from the year 2017. I was born in a smaller Hungarian town in 1989. I have eye disorders from birth, had 4 eye operations and my father is all blind. I love animals, especially cats. Well, I was always the strange kid at school, I liked rather to read from a young age, and made up stories I entertained myself with. I was 9 years old when at a school music lesson I heard a German Dance by Mozart, which changed my whole life. At that point I decided I will study music as that piece stole my heart. I listened to Mozart day and night and begged my parents for piano lessons. Well, looking back, I guess we just had no financial funds for that, as I started to take piano lessons at the age of 12. I was 13 when I got my piano. It was a Christmas gift. I went to a High School which had a music major class, and I finished High School taking final exams of Music and French other than the subjects I had to take anyways.

\- French? – He asked. – Then why do we have to talk in Hungarian or English, eh? – He laughed. – I had no idea you spoke French.

\- I had forgotten a lot. – I admitted. – I don't think we yould communicate without problems.

\- Well, it is only a matter of practice. If you are planning to stay in Paris, you will absolutely need it. French people simply don't talk in English, not even if they understand it. I am used to communicating in multiple languages, so I have no problem with it, but you will have major difficulties with anyone other than Erik.

\- That definitely changes the matter. – I said. – Well, we will talk in French but please be understanding. I will be terrible at first.

\- I am surprisingly patient as a teacher, don't worry. And after High School?

\- I went to college to another town in Hungary and graduated in music major. Well, that is all, I guess.

\- You told me something earlier which made me think. – He leaned closer. – Who hurt you by words and why?

\- Oh. – I lowered my head and smiled sadly at him. – My classmates at school. A lot.

\- Why?

\- Partly because of my disability. And partly because I was the shy type, and weird. I did not like to play with them, I played my own games alone. And I always was reading. After I met music, I was always playing or listening to music, and as kids in early 2000s mostly hated classical music, my hobby separated me even more.

\- The small outsider. – He sighed. – I now understand. No one likes people too different from them.

\- Yes, so I was always the one who was awkward to be befriended. My friends were bullied because they were my friends. They did not like it, so they rather did not talk to me.

\- If people want to be cruel, it seems, you don't even need a face like mine. They will find another reason. And… when did you find out my story?

\- We watched the musical at a music class in High School, and I read the novel the next summer.

\- Musical?

\- Oh yes, there is a musical about you. That is like a modern Singspiel. Think of Magic Flute. It has some prose and a lot of arias. Well, imagine that with a modern scoring and less prose.

\- Are you able to play something of it? That made me curious to tell the truth.

\- Well, I think you'd adore the Overture. I can play it. Well, only on piano, but know that it is originally supposed to be played on organ. – I jumped up excitedly and Erik stood up as well, gesturing for me to follow him.

\- I have an organ as you know.

\- I do, but I can't play that.

\- I see. Well, then play on piano.

We arrived to the dining room and I hopped down at the piano bench, starting the Overture. I was so proud of myself as I did not mess up this time. Erik seemed to be quite delighted when I finished and clapped. He did not do it before, so I guess I was really good.

\- So… do you like it?

\- Yes, enjoyable. – He replied in a good mood.

Him being in such a good mood made me wonder if I could ask a favor of him now.

\- Are you in a good enough mood now…?

\- To play? – He inquired, a bit of playful tone ringing in his voice.

\- Yes. – I smiled widely. – Please…

\- Well… I shall show you how to play that "Alla Turca", Mademoiselle.

He sat down at the piano and he played my favorite music piece of all tie, and hearing his mastery playing, I could not have been happier.


	8. Comfort and Compassion

Judit's POV:

Erik spent the rest of that afternoon playing music for me on piano, and later on the violin. He inquired about my favorite pieces other than Alla Turca, and he played them one by one. He had to play mostly Mozart, but I was delighted to find out he knew each of the pieces I needed without needing to read sheet music. He must like these as well, just like me if he played them enough to remember them by heart. I was a bit of curious as to what his opinion might be about my favorite composer as his sentences in Leroux sounded a bit of strange to me, as if he found Mozart too innocent and simple, but now that he played everything so nicely, I wondered if he likes his music actually or just plays it for me to be happy.

\- I do enjoy Mozart too, pleasant music, really. – He turned to me casually as he took a bit of pause between two pieces.

\- Was I thinking out loud? – I gasped.

\- No.

\- Then how do you know what was on my mind?

\- I can mostly read your mind. – He shrugged. – Unless you confuse or upset me as then I can't think logically for a while if that happens.

\- Does it work with others as well, or just me?

\- Mostly with people in general. Yet I never could read Christine's. That is why I messed everything up. – He sighed deeply but fought back crying, cleared his throat and turned back to the piano to start 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata.

His piano and violin skills enchanted me and I found out he really was a master. I have never heard anyone playing like this, not even the musicians at any recording I have heard. I wondered how easy our job was in 2017, as we just had to turn on the radio, or computer or ipod, and music was right there, sometimes it even became too much and we needed a break, yet Erik, if he wanted music he had to go to the opera or play it for himself. I thought if he ever had the pleasantness of listening to music and read at the same time. It was something I loved to do, and poor Erik most likely never had this opportunity. To be honest, I always studied with instrumental music playing in the background, but I had to admit, it sometimes distracted me if a favorite movement came. Oh, yet music was so easily reachable, no recording could replace the beautiful music Erik was gifting me with. Oh if only my phone was charged… I'd have recorded it, but I bet it wouldn't have been the same as it was in live.

As Erik stopped playing after a long time, he stretched out a bit and yawned unintentionally, as he got all embarrassed about this rudeness towards me. I did not mind it though. He isn't a robot, and has feelings and needs, however he does not like them and wants to seem like an unstoppable artist.

\- I beg for your forgiveness. – He muttered in front of himself. – It wasn't my intent.

\- I have nothing to forgive but to thank you for playing for me, Erik. It means a lot to me.

\- So you liked my playing style?

\- I adore it, you are a super talented person.

\- Thank you. – He covered his face with his hand for some seconds as he was trying to hide his blushing, or disguise another yawn, perhaps, then stood up from the piano bench, stretching out again. – Now, if you excuse me, I'd wish to retreat for the evening. I am tired from this concert and the lack of sleep for some days, so I'd go to bed early tonight. I am sorry for that.

\- But of course, Erik… rest up and good night to you.

\- The same to you. – He nodded. – Feel free to do whatever you want, you might even play as I am a heavy sleeper once I fall asleep. I shall not wake up to music either. I sleep like the dead. – He remarked with a bit of sarcasm and let out a small bitter laugh, and left the dining room, walking to the passageway where my room was.

I did not want to directly spy on him, but this act of his indicated that his room might be close to the Louis- Philippe room. I haven't seen his room yet, but I knew what it looked like from Christine's description in the Leroux novel. I hoped he would show it to me one day – I loved the organ and wished to see it, but did not wish to force Erik into showing me his territory, and as he did not offer it yet, I did not ask.

As I was left alone, and I wasn't yet tired or sleepy, and Erik allowed me to explore, I did so. I walked to the drawing room to search for some book to read. Those thousands of books woke up my curiousy as I loved to read, and wondered if Erik had books written on a language I was able to understand. Erik has so many books it must take years to read all of them. As I did not know how his books were in order I just randomly walked to a shelf and picked the first book in nose height. It was some kind of French book about architecture, with numerous blueprints or drawings included. As I did not really appreciate architectural design, especially not in French, I put it back where it belonged. I went to explore more. I soon noticed the books were organized by subject and by alphabetical order, just as in a real library. Erik seems to be a very organized man in every way, and I bet he will notice I was searching among his books even though I replaced each of them to their place. He had many novels, poetry books, language textbooks, dictionaries, architectural and science books, and which interested me the most: he had a whole huge shelf for music sheets. Organized by composer, separated by instruments they were written for. Whole scores of sonatas, concertos, masses, symphonies and operas. There was a whole section for piano transcriptions of operas, and there I found the piano transcription of Faust. Eagerly I turned the page to Soldier's Choir, as it was my favorite from Faust, and went to the couch to read it through. I curled up in comfortable position, lighting the small lamp next to me, and read the sheet music. I did not know how much time passed, but I was sure I fell asleep for some minutes as I startled up to the sensation of the sheet music falling on my face. I chose rather to put the sheet music back on its place and go to sleep. I checked the clock on the mantelpiece and was amazed to see it was nearly midnight. Erik left about 3 hours earlier, so I should really go to bed now. I was used to staying up late, working on my fanfictions, or back in the University, to study.

I went to take a quick bath before going to bed, and just as I wanted to cover myself up and turn the table lamp off in my room, I heard a scream.

I jumped up gasping from fright, as it was totally unexpected. It must be Erik, yet it sounded nothing like him. His voice was so scared that I instantly decided to check on him – no matter he will like it or not. I hoped it was just a nightmare he had, but even if it was that, he needs comfort, as such a scream indicated something utterly horrible in his dream, and we can't have that.

I ran out to the passageway to listen for the direction of the sound. Erik was still sreaming, crying for help and imploring someone to stop what they were doing in French. It came from behind the wall on the left side, so I ran there, and opened the door, but it wasn't what I expected to be. It was just a bathroom as I could see in the darkness. I moved a bit sideways as there was a huge wall area next to the door, seemingly without any other entry way, but I read in the book that Erik also had hidden doors in the house, for example, Christine could not find the way out from Louis- Philippe room and the adjacent guest bathroom when she was there, so that door is hidden as well normally. I was tapping on the wall, hearing that Erik still did not stop crying for help. I was determined to find the mechanism, so I banged and later kicked each square centimeters, and finally I found the door as it opened. I stepped inside…

And landed on the floor with a thud on my knees. There were two steps right at the door, leading to the room. Oh, what a nice idea is that to start a room with two steps. I stood up, massaging my aching knees for some seconds, and tried to look around in complete darkness. Erik fell silent. Now did he wake up to the sound I fell or just he needed a break from yelling?

\- M'aidez… - He whined finally, so I walked close to his voice.

Soon I could see the outlines of the coffin, and I stepped close to it, carefully reaching inside to touch and wake up Erik. I touched his shoulder as I felt, and wanted to shake him a bit, but his skeletal hand gripped my wrist suddenly with such a force I feared for a second that he was going to break it. I shook him gently with my other hand, calling his name repeatedly, until he finally jolted up in sitting position with a loud gasp. He opened his eyes, and looked at me in confusion, as if he wasn't yet by all his senses. He released ny wrist, but I think, unintentionally, hugged me tight to himself just as I was the only one to save him from eternal suffering. He lay his head on my shoulder, crying.

\- Erik, sssshhh… - I tried to comfort him by stroking his back.

\- Quoi…? Qu est-ce… que c'est.. ?

Erik really wasn't yet totally awake as he was asking me about what had happened. Poor him looked so scared clueless and insecure like a child after a nightmare. I think that is why I suddenly lost my manners and said:

\- Erik cher, n'ai pas peur… c'est moi. Tu vas bien ?

Ooops. Until that, in Hungarian I used "Ön" or in French I used « vous » to address him instead of « tu ». In English it was all the same as that language did not contain any formal way of addressing someone, it was only "you" one could use. But in those languages we used the most, as I only talked in English when we had communication issues understanding each other, that formal way did exist. "Vous" was to be used with someone older and more respectful than you, for example a boss or teacher, but "tu" was only used between close friends or an adult would call a child "tu", as Erik did always to me. It was all right that way and I did not feel it wrong, as Erik was much older, wiser and much more educated than me, so he was absolutely allowed to treat me as a child. I was that compared to him anyway. But now that I indicated we were equal, I suddenly felt ashamed. Yet I was too much embarrassed to ask for forgiveness, and Erik did not seem to care about it in his current state of mind.

He hugged me, wheezing and shaking from fear, letting me to pet him and talk soothingly to him. I was surprised he allowed me to be so intimate, and did not send me away in total embarrassment or angriness, as I expected him to.

\- Where am I? – He asked softly in Hungarian, after calming down a bit.

\- In your room. – I replied, continuing with using friendly "you".

He still did not seem to care about me being impolite while tapping to the side to search for the candle he lit. He looked around and recognizing his own room, he calmed down a bit again.

\- Are you better? - I asked worriedly.

He nodded slowly, looking like he only regained his full consciousness at that point. Still, with a scared look, eyes wide open he looked around, he must have dreamed some kind of horrible nightmare he hardly could forget.

\- Erik is sorry he had woken Juti up… sorry… please. – he whined softly. Poor little one, he apologized yet again. Yet this was the first time he called me "Juti". Was it a response to the "tu"?

\- It's nothing, I wasn't yet asleep. Don't worry about me. Hush – hush. Try to calm down.

\- May Erik… hold Juti's hand… for a second…? – He hardly dared to ask.

\- Of course, you may. – I nodded.

\- Isn't it too cold really… Erik's hand…? – He worried. It must be a major fear he has at it was the second time he asked this when it was about physical contact.

\- Not at all, just cool, but not bad.

\- Good then… - He sighed in relief, wiping his sweaty forehead with his nigtshirt's sleeve, and caught my hand. He tried to collect emotional strenghth. For a time we were like that, in silence, Erik sitting in his coffin, trying hard to calm down, holding my hand, and I stood next to the coffin. Now I would have the opportunity to look around in Erik's room, but I did not want to right at that time. I wished rather to focus on his well – being. Strangely he did not question why was I there with him and did not scold me for that. I was rubbing his hand with my thumb, looking in his eyes which were reflecting less and less horror.

\- And now, what should Erik do? – He asked softly, rather from himself than me.

\- About what?

\- I don't know what to feel or do. I had never experienced such a reaction from someone who had seen my face and now… you are here in my bedroom, and calming me like I was just anyone else but Erik. I don't understand… I don't know. Which mask should I wear…?

\- Erik, it will be all right. Please don't worry about such things. Be yourself

\- Are you… pretty sure about this? Will Juti not be disgusted and horrified of Erik if he is himself…?

\- I do think I know you from the nove enough and I did not wish to be afraid of you. Well, I think… you were not like what you showed me earlier.

\- No, not really. – He shrugged. – I am wearing a mask on my soul as well, not only my face. As I am afraid.

\- I thought you were afraid of nothing.

\- Oh, I am, I absolutely am. – He sighed. – You know what Erik is afraid of...? He is terribly afraid of people. Their hatred towards him. That they kick me both physically and emotionally. I don't want to have my heart broken again. I don't want to remove the mask for a slap.

\- I would never do that to you. Please believe me.

\- It is hard to believe after a life I had. Whenever I trusted someone, I always did regret it for sure, you have confused me. You have made me mistake my role as the Phantom and I am not getting back into it. How to be the Phantom if you pet me and comfort me like a baby after a nightmare…?

\- Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you wish me to leave?

\- I don't know what I'd wish for. Part of me enjoys the affection I had never gotten before, and would like to give myself to your kindness… but… other half of me feels utterly uncomfortable, sitting here in sleepwear as a man, in front of a young girl, who just saw me as a total nervous wreck, and… and… here I don't wear that mask while sleeping as it makes it difficult to breathe and…

\- And I don't care. – I smiled. – I have told you that I am not afraid of your face.

\- And that is what I can't believe. You have your glasses on yet again, you… can't be this… disabled. I mean your eyes. Sorry.

\- I can see you just fine. But as I said, it is all right.

\- Well… let's not talk about this…. – He picked up his pocket watch and checked the time. – At half past one. You small owl, what do you do up still… eh?

\- Comforting a scared Opera Ghost.

\- Touché. – He laughed out suddenly, but he slapped his mouth for it.

\- And isn't it good if I pet you? As I am not touching you if you don't want me to.

\- But yes, it is. – He admitted. – Unusual, but a very nice feeling. I have never felt such a thing. Your hands are so soft… and warm. I did not know it feels so good if someone pets you… well, I shall try as well, if you don't mind… but my touch can't be such a good feeling.

\- Don't worry. I know it is new to you. I am not forcing anything on you. I touch you only if you allow me. – You may touch me. – He nodded. – Just let me get used to it.

There was a bit of silence again, and I could not decide if he wants me to leave or not. He just examined me for a time, and I just realized I yet again was wearing sleepwear around him. It is totally impolite, just as the fact I am still addressing him "tu". He yawned. I knew it was late, but I wasn't sure if he was calm enough to be left alone for the night.

\- Erik…? – I called out being unsure of what to do, just like him.

\- Yes?

\- Well… are you sure you will be all right here… sleeping in a coffin and all?

\- It is my bed. – He stated. – This is where I sleep, yes.

\- Which is why you have nightmares. – I said.

\- I would not think so. – He shook his head. – And you shall go to sleep now as it is late… or early, to be clear.

\- I am not sure you are in the state you can be left alone. – I admitted my worry.

\- Bah…- He waved in the air. – That wasn't the first time I had a nightmare.

\- But this time is different as I am here. – I said. – Don't you want to… sleep with me?

\- What? – He gasped in shock. – Mademoiselle, it is highly inappropriate what you offer! – He snorted.

\- Not in the same bed, just the same room.

\- It is just as indecent. – He stated coldly. – You girls really are that inappropriate in the future or is that only you?

\- I am sorry I did not mean to… upset you. Yet again.

I saw I made a huge mistake so I ran out of the room in complete shame, covering my face and hurried back in the Louis- Philippe room. Oh, I'd absolutely bang my head against the wall. So stupid… stupid… stupid…

How the Hell was I so stupid to ask him to sleep with me? But so help me God I wanted nothing of that sort. It was just both him and to be honest, I felt scared alone. The house by the lake was too much silent, especially during the nights. I was to much used to small noises of 21st century even at night: buses, cars passing on the streets, some electric devices working in the background as a fridge or air conditioner, sometimes I fell asleep at home with my earphones on Mozart's music, or even the noisemaking and occasional turning of my dog. I missed these sounds and silence was choking me in this late 19th century home in the fifth cellar. At least maybe Erik's breathing could make me remember I wasn't in a tomb. Yet I totally understood I had just messed everything up with him. He now thinks me as a whore.

I pulled the covers on my head and cried in my pillow, softly cursing my stupid mind when I suddenly felt a touch on my back area. I did not really dare to lift up the covers from my head, but eventually I did as Erik did not leave. He was wearing a robe on top of his sleepwear and he sat at the edge of the huge sleigh bed I was in. I was so much prepared I receive a huge scolding I shall not forget in a century. Erik was examining me with a mixture of astonishment, annoyance and displeasure, so I just got even surer he will yell at me in the next few hours, and maybe kick me out of the house, but in the end he just shook his head and took a deep breath. I think he called me those names only in his mind, but it did him credit, he did not hurt me by a word.

\- Erik would like to have an explanation about what was on your little mind when you came up with that idea. – He crossed his arms on his chest.

\- I… I am stupid. I swear to God I… did not mean anything. Anything inappropriate… really just sleeping. – I sniffed.

\- And why do you wish to sleep with Erik?

\- I… I thought none of us… will be afraid… if…

\- Are you afraid here then? – He leaned closer a bit.

\- That's why I asked for a story! – I burst out in tears. – When I was ill… oh Erik… sorry… please… sorry…

He hesitantly stroke my shoulder just as I did to him some time earlier. I cried and he wanted to comfort me. I looked at him worriedly, clueless of what shall happen now. He handed me a handkerchief as I slowly stopped crying. He slowly patted my hair with shaky hands and stood up to walk to the couch in the room.

\- Just for tonight. – He turned back, imforming me about the happenings. – We both seem to… need it. But you are not allowed to come here and you let me sleep until I wake up. And no touching while I sleep. Deal?

\- Deal. – I nodded, smiling through my tears. – Thanks a lot.

\- Mhm. – He nodded shortly, then added. – Lay down and put the lights off. I wish to get comfortable and sleep.

I did as he asked, not even looking at his direction not to bother him while he removed the robe and lay down on the couch.

\- Bonne nuit, Erik. – I called out for one last time.

\- Á toi aussi, bonne nuit. – He said, his voice sounding much kinder than before.


	9. My musician mate

**Erik's diary**

 ** _9_** ** _th_** ** _June, 1881_**

 ** _04:45:_** _I woke up later today than I wanted to._ _At night I had a nightmare, yet again. That's why I did not want to sleep in the past week or so, but playing the piano and being such a gentleman after she took of my mask had utterly wore me out to the point I literally yawned in her face against my will. As I was in need of sleep I went to bed and she had to wake me up from that terrible vision and I made a total fool of myself in front of the girl who seems to baby me now. She even had that extremely indecent idea that Erik shall sleep in the same room with her. Thankfully her intents seemed only to be innocent, just to calm me, I think. Well, to be honest her presence did help, I was able to sleep more, to the point of oversleeping. Erik does not remember another day when he woke up later than 3:00._

 _Erik does not understand this girl really. She is a grown up woman, but acts like she was yet a teen, although she should have a family by now, with some children. Her oldest child now should be around 7-8 years old if we look at the average women nowadays. And yet, I doubt she could light a fire by herself. She is childish, immature, insecure, silly… but… loving and kind… and cute._

 _I don't know what to think of her and my relationship with her, but I like to have her around, if I have to honestly admit it to myself. At least, one should be honest to his own journal. She gives me so much affection it is unimaginable for me, and a bit of uncomfortable yet. I am not used to so much kindness. I would say she thinks me as a father figure or a platonic love or something like that, and she wastes her kindness and love on an unworthy creature like me. She doesn't seem to care about Erik's face. She isn't scared, she isn't disgusted. I am thankful for this fact. At first I imagined she just disguised her repulse well, but I now think she has nothing to disguise. And it makes me worried about her mental health. But… it yet feels so good._

 _Well, contrary to my common sense, and the acceptable behavior in this situation, I have slept with her in the Louis Philippe room's couch for more than 2 hours… nearly 3. I have never slept in my guest bedroom before. Strange thing. It served no other purpose than being Christine's room. I felt it a blasphemy to put Juti in there for the first time, but I slowly got used to her presence in the Louis- Philippe room. At least it isn't empty. That empty room, and the emptiness of my heart for that special someone who lived there before, made me suffer, but since she is here, it eased._

 _Maybe Erik should just accept love and affection without fear and enjoy the rest of his time with his new companion? Juti is the closest I can call as a friend…_

 _She started to address me informally, like she was talking to a friend. The last remaining brick of that wall between us on her side had collapsed. She now doesn't regard my age either. Maybe it is a good sigh. I don't mind it. It is totally the same to me if she uses "tu" or "vous", as I am thankful for any kind of communication. To be honest, I like when the Daroga insults me, as while he does that, he thinks of me._

 _I guess it is time for me as well to learn how to accept love if offered – I have to be thankful that I had such a chance once in my life. I wonder if things are really meant to be, and turning back to God really did help. When I fell in love with Christine, I started to play psalms on the organ and tried my best to pray on my own way. Then the Angel saved me with her kiss and compassion and left me. I thought my heart broke in pieces, but only now I start to figure out why things turned out to be this way: Christine melted my ice heart and taught me how to feel love again. Maybe she prepared me to feel love for Juti? Maybe God sent her so I won't die alone?_

 _So, I just figured out I need to be as kind and thankful as possible. I shall shower her with gifts because she is so kind to poor Erik…_

 _I will kiss the ground she walks on._

 **Juti's POV:**

I slept a lot better that night when Erik was with me. It took me some time to fall asleep after Erik lay down on the couch. He must have been tired as I heard he was sound asleep by the time he got into a comfortable position. I was glad to find out he did not snore too loudly. Just in a bearable level which did not bother me any more once I was sleeping. It was good to hear him there with me, it calmed me to know I wasn't alone in that room. I knew it was for only that night, but… still.

In the morning when sitting up in bed I wanted to find out if Erik was yet asleep as I would have been silent then not to bother him, but the couch was already empty. He woke up and left the room. I got up and walked in the bathroom to get ready for the day. It was half past seven when I walked out of the Louis- Philippe room to find out where Erik was.

There was tea in a pitcher, an empty white mug with flower pattern and a golden lining on the edge and some biscuits on a plate left on the dining table, but Erik was nowhere to be found. He prepared breakfast for me. How cute of him! I decided to eat at first, as I was hungry. When I finished breakfast I walked around the rooms I had entered before, but Erik was missing. Or maybe he retreated in his room?

I peeked inside, but he wasn't there either. Why did he leave the house? Did I insult him in the end by asking him to sleep with me? Yes, it was indeed very inappropriate to ask a man to sleep in the same room with me, and he did so just to make me feel better about my mistake, but he still must be angry with me and left the house not to see me for awhile. Understandable.

Being alone in the house and wanted to make up for my mistake, I decided I shall help him with things around the house so he will have less things to do. I went to the kitchen to wash the dishes there. There wasn't much to do, but still. I cleaned and dried them, and tried to find out where they belonged. When I put everything away, I walked around in the house to see what to help with. I also decided to explore the rooms I did not go to before.

The room I accidentally almost jumped into at night, was indeed a bathroom. It was the master bath, and had an entry both from the passageway and from Erik's bedroom. It had dark red and black tiles and similar equipment to mine, but had much more shelves full of jars full of some kind of bath oils, maybe shampoo and many bars of different soaps. There was a small shaving mirror above the sink, which made me wonder if Erik ever needed to shave. I guessed his deformity made him unable to grow a beard, but maybe I was wrong. Anyway, here and in my own bathroom were the only two mirrors in the house. The bathroom was really well – organized and spotless save for the toilet seat left up, but well, he is a guy, so it is all right like that if it doesn't bother him. There was nothing to do, so I left the room and walked back to Erik's bedroom.

The bed… I mean the coffin was unmade. I wasn't surprised as he woke up so abruptly. I walked to it, and just as it was a normal bed, I tried to disregard the fact that it was a box for dead people. I tidied the covers and the pillows in there. Erik slept with four blankets and two pillows, a bigger and a smaller one. I found the blankets a bit much for my taste, but I now understood why did I receive so many blankets for my bed as well – Erik must be cold and he thinks everyone else is as well. Poor thing. As I made his bed, I looked around in his room now that he wasn't there.

It was a bigger room that the Louis- Philippe room, and just as Leroux described it, one of the walls was entirely covered by the organ. It was immense and had countless pipes. The wall was black and it really had the Dies Irae written on it. I remembered back at the time when we sang this work in choir and a shiver ran down my spine. The coffin was in the middle of the room, and there was a desk with a chair, next to the desk there was a music stand, surprisingly room was also furnished with a larger wardrobe, a couch and a smaller table. In the middle of a wall there was a fireplace here as well, with a single armchair in front of it, which was at the other end of the room compared to the couch and the small table. That single armchair must be Erik's favorite place to sit, one more sign he is cold, he likes to sit near the to the fireplace there was a smaller bookcase. Wow, this man really has a lot of books if he needed another bookcase here. The desk contained many things as you weren't able to place even a needle on it, but contrary to the many things it contained, it was still well organized. There was a huge pile of books, sheet musics, a tuning fork, an ink-well, and three different colored inks: red, blue and black, and two fountain pens. A ruler, a pair of compasses, a protractor and some other objects I wasn't able to identify, and a violin tuner. Looking down at the desk's leg I found the violin case as well.

Oh so here you keep your violin…?

I always loved how violins sounded and always wanted to hold one in my hand, yet I never had an opportunity. I hesitated for some moments as I was sure Erik would not like if I meddled with his stuff, but… he also allowed me to play his piano, so, why not? I carefully placed the violin case on the small table and opened it. There was the beautiful instrument, reddish brown colored, shiny and very well cleaned and protected. Sure each of my fingerprints will be visible on it. I picked it out of the case, at first just looking at it and caressing it. Then… I decided to try it out. I picked the bow and held it as I saw in youtube videos and put the instrument on my shoulder.

\- Well, let's see… - I smiled and pulled the bow across the strings…

Well it made the worst possible sound in my life as I had no clue how to play. It sounded like screeching and I was sure Erik would use this sound to make someone suffer in the torture chamber. I did not give up though. Juti is not the one who gives up trying after the first note. I have been trying hard to get a note right, but I made terrible noise only. Hm, maybe I should tune up? I remembered from a video I watched about violin tuning. I tried to tune it up a bit, maybe it will sound better. Hm, well maybe it will be ebough just no…

Oh shit.

A string broke. Snapped. It happened so suddenly seemingly without any reason, oh shit. Erik will kill me. I meddled with his violin and… and I am not sure how to fix it and how much time and work it does require to do so for him. I caused trouble yet again. I put the violin back in the case as I did not wish to ruin it any more – better to pack it away and leave it alone until the problem is minor.

One can't possibly ruin an organ, right…?

I walked to the organ to occupy myself and draw my thoughts away from the damaged violin. I pressed some keys and wanted to explore the sounding of the instrument. I wrote my instrumental knowledge test at University on organs, so I was at least familiar with the working mechanism and parts of the organ. My piano knowledge was helping a bit as well, so I tried to play the Overture of Phantom on organ as well. I was kind of happy about the result, even though I did not change the tone of the organ. I did not know how to make the register switches to work, so I decided I will leave them alone. Thanfully the feet pedals were in the same order as the piano keys, so I had a clue how to play the bass. Only problem was I seemed to be in delay mostly as the organ had a few seconds to react after a key was pressed, so it always bothered me and I stopped sometimes. Also, playing with dynamics had no effect – it sounded the same volume however I tried to hit a key harder or softer. I suddenly had another idea and started the Addams Faily theme song, which was easy enough to give me a sense of victory. I sang along after a few tries, so it made me even happier.

Suddenly I realized I wasn't the only one snapping fingers when it was time for that, so I turned over on the organ bench to see Erik standing behind me, helping with the rhythm. He seemed to have fun. He wore his false nose with a mustache which covered his mouth.

\- Hey! – I greeted him happily, jumping off of the bench in front of him. – Uh… I mean Bonjour. – I realized I might have been too much intimate with him.

\- Hey. – He smiled, so he maybe did not mind my greeting. – You may say hello to me anyway you wish to. You don't have to be so formal after we are so intimate.

\- Do you mind I asked you to… sleep in the same room with me? – I inquired carefully. I wanted to know if he was angry with me, yet I heard no scolding in his voice.

\- No. – He shook his head and he seemed to be in a good mood in general. – It helped. – He admitted.

\- Yay! – I hugged him without warning, so he got a bit of surprised, but in the end he put his hand on my shoulder.

\- I guess it means you are happy?

\- I am. – I nodded. – And you?

\- Yes, happier than in the last ten years. Thank you for asking.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- Then you are perhaps not angry I disregarded you were older than me and called you "tu" in French?

\- Not at all. I was the one acting impolitely in the first place as I should have called you "vous" as well from the beginning, but when we met I guessed you were just a teen. You have a child's face really.

\- And I act like one.

\- True. – He nodded. – But it doesn't bother me. You may call me whatever you want to, and be totally causal to me. You are kind of like a daughter to me I guess.

The violin came to mind. Erik was in such a good mood, but I though it would have been a wiser option to inform him honestly about the problem before he finds out himself. I wasn't sure if he will be angry now, but we have to get through this.

\- Erik, as your daughter I have to admit I… accidentally caused some trouble.

\- Trouble? – He leaned closer suspiciously. – What sort of trouble you may refer to…?

\- I meddled with… the violin.

\- Did you touch the bow hair? – He pointed at me accusingly.

\- No, I am not that stupid. – I shook my head, almost offended.

\- Then what the Hell did you do to it?

\- I broke a string. – I admitted softly.

\- Only that? – A relieved sigh left his lips.

\- Yes.

\- That's nothing. – He waved dismissingly. – From your scared tone I was sure you at least broke the bow… or the violin.

\- I did not dare to touch it more, did not want to damage it.

\- A broken string is nothing, I fix it in five minutes. – He laughed. – Oh, you small silly child. Why you are so much afraid Erik is going to be angry?

\- Because I don't want to make you angry. From the book I know… you can have… quite a temper.

\- You don't make me angry. You make me merely surprised mostly. Well, what you read in the book… I mean my temper… yes it exists. I can be unbearable if I am angry, but I would never hit you, only yell at you for some time if it happens… and it does not happen as frequently as you'd think. Erik is quite easygoing if not directly provoked.

\- I'd never do that intentionally.

\- I know. That is why I like you.

\- Do you…? – I had a jawdrop and smiled widely in the next second.

\- Yes. I do. – He nodded.

I lept into his arms hugging him tight. He caught me, yet he wasn't prepared of such an act. That guy really had great reflexes.

\- Thank you, Erik dear. – I smiled at him.

\- Oh… I… I thank YOU. – He stuttered. - Umm… well. – He embarrassedly put me down on the floor and gestured for me to follow him. – Come, I brought you things.

\- Things? What things? – I got interested.

\- Things. – He did not give away more details, but we were in the drawing room and I noticed boxes on the table. There were at least a dozen boxes of each sizes.

\- For me? – I asked cautiously. – Really?

\- Yes. – He nodded. – For you. All for you.

I was astonished to find out he had bought me shoes and clothes. The shoes were my favorite colors, light blue, and lavender sandal type shoes, thankfully not high heels. I would not be able to walk in those as I had balance problems due to my eye disorders. They fit perfectly. How the Hell did he figure out my shoe size?

\- Erik… are they… really for me? – I was so happy I did not believe he bought me shoes and clothes. A few days earlier he was distant as a cliff and now he was showering me with gift and affection as much as he could.

\- Did you think I would wear such colored shoes? – He laughed shortly.

\- I bet you would be cute in them. – I smiled. – But I thank you for…

\- There is no need to thank me. – He said. – You only have those clothes you are wearing. It is not enough. Also, you would look quite… extraordinary in those male clothing if you happen to come with me outside. It is enough if I am stared at. You should not be mocked. – He sighed.

\- Many girls wear pants in 2017. – I informed him. – But I understand. But… does it mean I am allowed to leave the house?

\- You are not my prisoner. – He said quietly. – You come and go as you please.

\- You said…

\- I said a lot of things earlier. I also called you stupid if I remember correctly, yet of course, I don't think you stupid any more. On the contrary. Well, could we start over just as we met now? If you can forget my coldness towards you, I show you I can be kind as well.

\- But of course! – I reached out for a handshake, which he hesitantly returned.

I went to my room to organize the clothes and shoes I just got. There was plenty of room in the dresser for them, and Erik told me that was totally my room, I put them wherever I wish to. I also put on a dress I just received, it was beautifully decorated, peach colored and… quite uncomfortable. Well, compared to pants anyways. I have to get used to them, I guess. I always hated skirts as I had the impression everyone saw my underwear on those few occasions I was willing to wear a skirt. I knew in my mind that it did not happen, and with such a long dress Erik got me, it was really impossible, but still, my anxiety did not go well with skirts. Also, it took me time to figure it out how to wear and put it on. Especially undergarments. How I hated these at the first sight as well. Well bye- bye ability to move. I felt like a caged whale, being fat anyway. Oh I want pants.

When I appeared in front of Erik again, I bet I looked like a whale. I was sure he won't like my sight as I was an ugly cow. And felt utterly uncomfortable. The dress had a low chest line to make matters worse. I hated shirts or blouses that showed breast.

\- You look beautiful. – He complimented politely, yet I had an impression he only says so because he wants to be kind.

\- Thank you, yet I am not sure how an ugly person can look beautiful. – I admitted, blushing.

\- Ugly? – He gasped. – Who is ugly, tell me?

\- I am. – I nodded.

\- You are blind. Have you looked into a mirror lately?

\- Yep, that is where I saw I am fat. And ugly.

\- If you are ugly, what am I? – He snorted. - You have a nose.

\- I do… I am sorry Erik, but I really don't think I look good at all. I am nowhere compared to…

\- Christine? – He finished my sentence.

\- Yes.

\- And why do you want to look like her?

\- Because… I would be beautiful then.

\- You are. Just on another way. – He stated. – But you must be uncomfortable in that dress, maybe that is why you tell me so much nonsense.

\- How did you know?

\- Easy. – He shugged. – You never wore such a thing before and you well… the skirt really shows… so you know.

\- My waist tighter.

\- Yes.

\- And Erik… I am sorry to say but…

\- You like pants more. I got it. I am going to buy you male clothing tomorrow. It doesn't matter if there are two oddities or just one. – He laughed out.

\- Erik, may I ask something… indecent?

\- Just carefully. Erik doesn't like too much frivolity, you see.

\- Okay, but please come up with a logical answer: if woman are indecent for showing ankles… why is that okay to show breast?

\- Why, is it, in your time, completely acceptable to wear clothing to show the ankle?

\- Ankle…? Erik… ummm… if you saw some shorts girls are wearing in 2017 I bet you'd faint.

\- Shorts?

\- Yes… well, trousers that are upper than your knees.

\- Showing… knees?

\- Well, the shortest ones go about here. – I drew a line on my thigh height to show him the shortest pants possible.

\- Are you kidding me? – He gasped. – It is not even long enough for… for… so the undergarments… girl! – He seemed to be totally shocked, so I apologizingly patted his back.

\- Sorry Erik, I did not want to offend you.

\- You did not. But it seems like I'd really faint.

\- Well, it is just fashion. – I explained. – It does not necessarily turn us as… so those women.

\- I know. – He nodded shortly. – You are not that type, seemingly anyway. Sure, you got way more freely spirited raising than the mademoiselles here… you are nearly like a boy in some aspects. But I like if a girl has brain and bravery. Anyways… I am going to fetch you shirts and pants.

\- May I get a tailcoat like you have? – I asked hopefully.

\- Yes.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- Do you like my watch? – I asked suddenly.

\- I do. – He nodded in agreement. – Why do you ask?

\- I did not have it in the cellar and… had it when you got me here. – I stated the facts. I did not say he took it, just implied it.

\- Yes, I stole your watch because I did not think you will be alive in the next day or so. – He admitted, seemingly without any shame or guilt. – But I returned it, did I not?

\- You did. – I nodded assuringly. – But you may keep it if you wish.

\- Really? – He looked at me with sudden interest.

\- Yes, do you want to trade?

\- Trade? For what?

\- Your pocket watch. – I offered. I have seen Erik's watch and I found it beautiful, and to tell the truth, I always loved pocket watches and wanted one for myself.

\- No. – He shook his head strictly. – I keep my watch. And you can keep yours. I don't like it that much to give mine for it.

I could hear from his intonation that the pocket watch did mean a lot to him for some reason, and as he did not wish to trade, I just decided to leave that subject as it is. Yet I wanted to make him feel better so I asked.

\- Erik, may I ask something?

\- You just asked something. – He pointed out.

\- Well, please do you wish to play music with me?

\- On what instrument?

\- I always wanted to play four hands with someone on the piano, but I never had the opportunity as I was always alone. – I explained.

\- Just the same with me. – He nodded understandingly. – Well, with pleasure. What do you wish to play?

\- Do you know the Diabelli Alla Turca?

\- I am familiar with it, yes. But what is it with you and the Alla Turcas, eh? Mozart, Diabelly…

\- Beethoven…

\- Yes. – He nodded. – Well then what, Are you into Turkish music?

\- I just found these on youtube when I searched for more versions of Mozart's. They came up in the results. – I admitted. – Diabelli's was found for example when I searched for "alla turca in a minor". I wanted to see how Mozart's could sound if played in minor instead of major, but instead it showed the Diabelli four hands.

\- Do you wish to see how it sounds in maggiore- minore then, or in the parallel F sharp minor?

\- Oh… F sharp minor sounds a lot more interesting though. Can you do it?

\- What a question, should Erik get offended?

\- Sorry. – I stroke his back.

\- Oh, that's another thing, if you apologize so nicely. – He smirked. – Well what do you want first, four hands or Erik twisting up Mozart?

\- You twisting up Mozart.

\- As you wish.

– He sat down at the piano gracefully, and hit a few accords for warming up his fingers, then started Alla Turca in F sharp minor. I found it utterly interesting. He then started variations on the main theme, which did amaze me in the end to the point of being frightening. Not the music itself, but Erik's genius was frightening. This man was such a talented person he could improvise variations on a piece he just transposed in another key. He added further modulations and was playing in at least twice the tempo it was written in in the end. Then he suddenly got tired of it and closed the piece with a sudden cadence and turned back to face me.

I looked at him with a mouth wide open, and clapped as I could. The jawdrop seemed to bother him as he ordered me to close my mouth in French. He then slid to the bass keys and showed a seat for me next to himself on the bench. I sat down and started my part to make sure I play it right. After a few measuers I stopped and informed Erik I was ready to go. We played together not only the Diabelli March, but also the part "Das klinget so herrlich" from Magic Flute. It was so great to play with Erik, as he nodded and smiled if I could meet his imagination of the tempo or volume to play in. It was surprisingly easy to play in harmony with him. He looked like he was touched. In the end when we finished playing, he turned to me and shook hands with me. It was the first time he was the one to initiate a handshake. It was a nice gesture to his musician partner, indicating he was getting more comfortable about social interactions, slowly and steady.

\- Thank you, Erik. – I smiled.

\- It is me who has to thank you. – He said softly, and turned away fro a second to wipe tears from his eyes. – You don't know how much it means to me to have someone with me to play music with… and to … to share my solitude with…

\- You won't ever be alone, as long as you want me here. I promise.

I stroke his shoulder and leaned closer to kiss him on the cheek. This sent the poor guy to tears again.


	10. Please help me to accept

**Juti's POV:**

Well, it is good I have told Erik earlier not to be afraid of crying, as he was crying so hard and seemingly unstoppably that my heart almost broke upon his sight. I think it was a bad idea to kiss him. We were having a great time together, playing music, and now he was again sobbing, leaning against the piano. I did not know how to comfort him or what to say, but I tried my best to make him feel better. I put my hand on his shoulder, gently patting it and caressed his back as it was shaking from crying. He did not react to my attempt to calm him down, and after some seconds he suddenly stood up, then pulled away from my touch yet again, just as in the past. I made a mistake and went too far. I just ruined everything when we were getting close finally. I rushed it. I should have waited until he accepts affection better. Just yesterday was the first time I saw his face and now I kiss him without permission.

\- Erik, I am sorry. – I whispered, not even thinking he will hear me.

\- Are you… still alive? – He asked with surprise.

I did not understand his question. Of course I was. Why?

\- You did not strangle me yet, if the question was about it. – I said, half jokingly, but I realized Erik was not in the mood for silly half sarcastic little remarks as he turned to me with a painful expression.

\- I did… not… wish to hurt you. – He stuttered bitterly. – You… don't trust me… then but why the Hell… did you just… kiss me? Kiss me… on that ugly face? Eh? What do you want…? What?

\- Erik, I am sorry, I was just kidding. It wasn't funny. I know. Forgive me.

\- What… was the joke? The kiss or the remark?

\- The remark of course. Erik, we don't kiss someone as a joke.

\- I… can't know it. Christine was… the only one who… kissed Erik… on the forehead… here… - he pointed at the center of his forehead with a confused and touched expression.

\- And now I kissed your face.

\- And you are still alive. – He stated.

\- Why do you think someone might die by kissing you?

\- Long story. – He sighed. – I don't… want to talk about it.

\- Okay sorry. Not forcing anything on you.

\- Thanks.

\- Are you angry?

\- N…no. Just… clueless.

\- About the kiss?

\- Yes, why did you kiss me?

\- Because I like you.

\- Liking me as a friend can include… kisses?

\- Friends do kiss each other in my time. – I nodded.

\- Each other might be a suggestion… about you wish Erik… to kiss you…? – He shuddered at the thought. It hurt me a bit as I kissed him without hesitation and it was disappointing he would not do it to me.

\- I did not know you think me so ugly that you shudder at the thought of kissing me. – I remarked sadly.

\- Other way around. – He shook his head. – I got disgusted of the mere thought of such a monster pressing his malformed lips against your… beautiful face. – He admitted in a soft and painful whisper.

\- Erik, I don't find you ugly. I told you. Will you believe me?

\- How can you not…? Erik finds himself the ugliest and most horrifying creatures on Earth. I am a terribly disgusting sight.

\- Not for me.

\- Not for you. – He repeated softly, lifting his head up to look me in the eyes. – Not for you…?

\- No.

\- How would you… describe THIS then? – He pointed at his face.

\- It is unique. – I said matter of factly.

\- Not handsome, eh?

\- Well… I like you the way you are. You don't have to be beautiful for me to like you. Looks matter nothing.

\- Everyone says so. – He groaned. – Until they see me. When they see my face, surprisingly, looks start to matter a LOT more.

\- Erik, I know it is hard to trust someone and we know each other not for too long time, dear. Please forgive me for rushing things. I just… felt good in your presence, and I am kind of a person who loves to hug or kiss my friends or family. It is just how I am. I did it without thnking things through.

\- The problem. – He stood up with shakey legs. – Isn't what you think it is.

\- What do you mean?

\- I did not… really mind the kiss. I mean… I love to receive… kisses. Or would have loved to, to be clear. In all my life, I was yearning for someone to kiss me… and only Christine did so, after so much trouble. And you just come here and kiss me as I was just… a handsome man on the streets. Why?

\- Erik, may I tell you something that maybe will make you feel uncomfortable for a time?

\- If you must…

\- Well, maybe Christine wasn't necessarily freaked out because of your appearance only, but because of the situation. I mean, at first that big ass chandelier crashes, killing and injuring people. Panic, blood and such would have freaked anyone out. She was also worried about your safety as she thought you got injured, even if she yet thought you had no body.

\- Stop describing the situation so graphicly, will you? – He snorted.

\- Okay, sorry. So, I just wanted to say you kidnapping her after such a party might have been a bit of terrifying to her.

\- That is why Erik spent the whole night of singing for her. To calm her.

\- I know but the fact you wear that black mask is just… disturbing. Even for me, who knew about it, let alone to Christine, who did not know why you disguise yourself.

\- You mean it is the MASK that makes you feel disgusted?

\- Not disgusted just uneasy. I am uncomfortable if I can't see the face of someone I am talking to. So, I just wanted to say, maybe the unmasking was just the top of the iceberg.

\- So, little know – it- all, what would you have done in my shoes, eh?

\- I am honestly not sure. – I said. – Maybe just the exact thing you did. As I said, it is just what Christine must have felt in my opinion. I am not here to judge your actions. I know you had done things you are maybe not proud of. But past is past and… I see why you did these things. I am not saying it is okay, but understandable. I daresay your face is the least frightening thing about you. Maybe the Rosy Hours are the worst.

\- How much do you know… about my past in Persia? – He sighed.

\- Nearly nothing. – I replied. – You killed some people. Thankfully I don't know much about the details. Only the lasso and the Torture Chamber.

\- Enough for you to know. – He nodded. – If you knew more you will be so disgusted of my mind that you would never kiss me again.

\- I can imagine it is just a percentage of what really happened. But even if you did horrible things, you don't deserve hatred. I am not saying I pity you as you hate pity, I know. But I understand the reason behind your actions. And… I just ask you not to hurt me. Unless you hurt me or kill someone else again, I am here.

\- Killing people is something I can not avoid completely, you see. – He stated. – But I will not hurt you. I don't directly hurt women. And… I would never hurt someone who had… kissed me. – He went on his knees in front of me and took my hand. – Thank you for… kissing me. And being honest with me. You know... you know… - He cleared his throat as he tried to continue his speech. – You see…you being honest with me, even though it is an uncomfortable issue to talk about, and you worded what you think… is more than anyone would ever bother to do. The Daroga… the Daroga means well, but the only thing he does is insulting me. I don't know what to do only if he says "You are a monster, you are a murderer, you are wrong, don't do this, don't do that…" and this, as I was never properly taught, how NOT to be a monster, is nothing but stressful to me. I can't meet his expectations and can not turn to be a normal person like anyone else… as you pointed out, not only because of my face. But… I really wish to change this. I wanted to marry Christine and give up this life as the Opera Ghost… and… now that I did not die, I don't know what to do.

\- Did you return the money to the managers? Don't you have money now?

\- Not all of it, but only the part I asked from them in this year. And anyway, I have… wealth. It is not the matter. But… would you be so kind to turn Erik to be a normal man? Maybe you could explain…?

\- I try my best, but you shall then accept some rules. Rules about no killing. Really no killing. Deal?

\- I try my best. – He nodded.

\- Okay, it is good enough for starting. Well, the main thing is, you should learn how to love. You have learned how to love other people as you realized that loving Christine meant that she loved the Viscount and you thought of her rather than yourself. It was the frst lesson.

\- A painful one.

\- Yes, but this second lesson will be better. You shall learn how to love yourself.

\- What?

\- Yourself. You heard it right. How could you accept others to love you if the only thing you feel for yourself is deep hatred? You will never ever believe anyone who says they love you if you don't make peace with Erik first. Erik shall LOVE Erik.

\- How to love Erik when he is horrible?

\- He isn't. And the key to love yourself is like how would you show your love to others. For example, what would you do to Christine if she was here?

\- Easy. Entertain her, prepare her a delicious meal she loves and make sure she feels good. And for you, for the matter of fact…

\- Oh that is kind of you, dear. So that is exactly what shall happen to you as well. You treat yourself, and let others treat you. You allow affection and accept it. From others and yourself too. Try to list what you do like about yourself. You don't have to answer right away. Just think about it.

\- Interesting. – He scratched his head. – I never considered liking something about myself.

\- Yet there are many things that are good in you Erik. Not anyone is completely good or evil. I am not totally good either. And you are not totally bad either. And that is how it should be. The fact you wish to turn to a better person, is a good sign and I am more than happy to help you with it if you accept.

\- I do. – He nodded and looked at me honestly. Now I knew it wasn't a trick of his. He really wanted to be good.

\- Okay. The first step is to accept your look and the fact that people see your face. I don't mean all people, you see, as you know it isn't good for you. But to the ones you love. For example me.

\- So you wish to see my face.

\- Yes.

\- Good. Well, I stop wearing the mask.

\- And the nose.

\- Must I…?

\- Yes, eventually. Yet, if you are not comfortable with it yet, I am fine with your fake nose on you. Just no more mask.

\- No more mask. – He repeated to himself.

\- Give me all your masks.

\- All of them?

\- Yes, how much do you have?

\- One in the pocket of each of my coats and on the organ, and the ones in the laundry basket. Umm… 20-22 in total.

\- All of them are these black full face ones?

\- Yes.

\- Okay, collect them and bring them here.

\- All right… only one mask I am going to save.

\- The human mask?

\- Yes, how do you know about it?

\- You mentioned it in the book in a speech to Christine. What does it look like?

\- It isn't totally perfect yet, but it looks like a normal human face. It is made of leather and is painted and crafted as a human face. It can also follow my facial expressions, the few I can show anyway… so it looks natural. It has a built in nose with wires to support it, hidden in the texture. I attach a fake pair of glasses to it to disguise the errors around the eyes and the lenses are tinted blue as my yellow eyes will look green due to optical illusion.

\- Sounds great. Well, that may stay as a disguise on the streets, but all your other masks shall disappear. You may keep the fake nose too.

\- I intended it as until my mask turns out to be perfect the nose is the only possible way of going on the sreets to do shopping and arrange my life. Well, to be clear I only wore the mask around Christine, as my face is visible with the nose. But too creepy.

\- Not creepy. Okay, collect the masks and throw them away. Not one should be kept.

He nodded, stood up from the floor and walked away for some minutes. I was surprised to see him returning with a stack of silk clothes in his hands. He obeyed. He visibly threw them into a trash can in the kitchen then returned and asked.

\- And now?

\- And now what's the time? – I inquired as I started to get hungry.

\- Oh. – He checked his watch. – It is five in the evening.

\- Time to eat something. – I nodded smiling.

\- Of course! – He slapped his forehead. – I knew Erik forgot something… oh dear, sorry about that.

\- No problem, Erik, we are fine.

\- I am going to… prepare something fro you. What do you wish to eat?

\- Wrong pronouns dear. You are going to prepare something for US. Not only me.

\- Oh… Erik is… not hungry.

\- You haven't eaten anything all day. Are you sure you are not?

\- Well, I am, but I wasn't allowed to eat at the same table with anyone and the way I eat is too disgusting for anyone who has to whitness and… I would ruin your appetite with my head.

\- No. I wish to eat with you, not like before that I eat and you watch. Or even worse as you are not even in the room. It is part of love for yourself, Erik. You treat yourself with food and with the pleasantness of eating with someone. Would not that be nice…?

\- It would. – He admitted. – I always wanted to have a meal like others do. But… are you sure you won't be sick? Imagine how I am able to eat with… THIS mouth…

\- Not that you can do about it, right? It does not bother me.

\- Well, I have to… remove the nose as it is difficult for me to eat with it on.

\- Then remove it. You are fine.

\- Oh… thank you. Umm… well, I go and… make dinner. You don't like fish, right..?

\- Please make your favorite. If you wish to eat fish, I will taste it.

\- No, no, it is fine. I have some other idea for you. You will like it.

I have no idea how did Erik know I liked Italian food, but we had spaghetti and he made the best tomato sauce I had ever tasted. He was an excellent cook, and when I complimented him about it, even his ears blushed. He was hesitant to take a seat, and was occupied of giving me a perfectly served glass of wine for a long time, even though I did not ask for alcohol. Well, he did not know I don't drink. I did not want to make him sad about it, so I just accepted the wine, and said thank you for it. Erik nervously paced around for some time, thinking about what else to do instead of eating, but finally he sat down facing me and twisted his long skeletal fingers around the fork. I did not hurry him, yet I was a bit of concerned in my mind that his pasta will cool off. I was almost finished with my dinner when he sat down, but forced myself to eat as slowly as possible once he took a seat, as I knew if I finish, he will instantly jump up and either serve another portion or clean the table in front of me, which I did not want to happen. I wanted him to eat in peace. He slowly started eating, and I tried not to directly look at him. Not because I was disgusted, yet truly, Erik wasn't able to eat properly as he had trouble to close his mouth, and parts of his lips were missing, so he had a hard time keeping food in his mouth, and seemingly it was painful for him to chew on the left side, perhaps because an aching tooth, but he did a great job eating as nicely as possible with his deformity. As I said, I wasn't disgusted about his eating, but did not want him to feel uncomfortable or ashamed as he was having dinner. A big enough step is that he finally did dare to eat in front of me at all. Thankfully he ate all his portion. He was sure hungry. As he finished, I did too, so he took the plates away, but I offered him my help with the dishes.

\- Would you do it? – He asked with surprise.

\- Of course. – I smiled. – Thank you for the dinner, you are really great with cooking.

\- Oh… it is nothing. A bachelor has to know how to cook, unless he wants to have bread and butter in all his life. – He let out a nervous little laugh. – Well… are you sure you wish to… do the dishes?

\- Yes. – I nodded. – Anyway I could help you.

\- To be honest…- He paced around, being all fidgety as usual, - E-Erik hates to do the dishes. He loathes it.

\- Don't worry dear, I like it. If you wish I will do them always.

\- Oh… thank you. – He smiled and paced around some more. – And what should Erik do while that?

\- Whatever you wish to. Treat yourself with some activity you like.

\- You mean… Erik is allowed to read?

\- Why would you not to be allowed to read in your own house?

\- Are you sure you don't need help?

\- Sure Erik. Relax. – I patted his shoulder and turned to run the tap, but I still sensed Erik standing behind me.

\- Would you mind…? – He whispered in a higher pitched tone as he was insecure. I turned around to face him.

\- Would I mind what, dear? – I stepped closer. He was playing with his fingers and eyed me with an uncomfortable look. – What is wrong?

\- Nothing. – He admitted softly. – Just… collecting my bravery.

\- For what? – I inquired.

He stood there for a few more minutes, stimming, he occupied himself by bouncing from his heels to tiptoes for some time, and then he reached out to hesitantly touch my shoulder. I was waiting curiously of what he wanted to do, but suddenly he leaned closer and pressed his lips against my forehead. It was a soft and quick peck on the forehead from him, but it felt like Heaven.

\- Aw how sweet you are Erik. – I giggled. – Thank you.

\- I…I… I… thank you. I love you… my dear.

He confessed, then he suddenly turned around and left to the door. From there he turned back for a quick smile and sent me a glance full of love.

\- I love you too, my friend. – I told him.

He swallowed back some tears as he nodded and left the kitchen.

 **Erik's diary**

 ** _9_** ** _th_** ** _June 1881_**

 **** _I fall from surprise to surprise with Juti._

 _Not only I had the opportunity to play music with someone, which made me so happy, but also, she kissed me. Physical contact with Erik gives her no problem and no disgust at all. She pets, touches and kisses me without a second thought, and she also allowed Erik to kiss her forehead after dinner which I wasn't forced to eat alone, once in my life. I bet I was a disgusting sight, but this honorable girl had not made a remark about it, not even a single eyeroll. For the first time in my life, I had a day with someone, without the constant stomach cramps of ruining everything with my looks. I can't understand how she isn't frightened by Erik. She said she isn't afraid until I hurt her, but I would never do that now._

 _She means to help me get to like myself and make peace with my appearance. I don't know how it will be a successful project, but as I wish to live like anyone else, I have to try my best to accept Erik as he is. Her constant encouragement sure does help. That is why I dared to kiss her, because I felt her endless love towards me. That makes me do things I would never consider doing otherwise._

 _And she DOES need help as well. I never imagined she could be so insecure about something as she was the one calming me while a mental breakdown in these days. But now I found out her weak spot, which I am going to help with._

 _As I sat in my chair after dinner, reading a book while she was doing the dishes, I suddenly noticed she was singing something. I have never heard her singing before, I had no idea she liked to sing. Instrumental music was her forte as she was able to play four hands with me, and she was quite good with piano playing, but singing was something she avoided so far. True, I did not sing for her before either._

 _I stepped closer in the kitchen door to hear her better as she was merely humming mostly, but she seemed to be in a good mood. As she sensed my presence, she turned around just as she did something wrong and apologized to me. When I asked what she asked my forgiveness for, she only stuttered she was sorry I had to hear her sing. I rolled my eyes at her with surprise._

\- _Why do you think it bothered me? – I asked._

\- _Because I have a terrible voice. I forgot about myself and just sang as I always do while doing the dishes._

\- _Terrible you say? I heard nothing of that sort._

\- _Thankfully the water maybe drowns out the worst parts._

\- _Believe me, a bit of water changes nothing about my hearing. – I laughed._

\- _I apologize still. I will never make you suffer again._

 _That sentence made me shocked again. I shook my head and asked her to stop working for a time. There was something we had to discuss. She nodded, closed the running water and dried her hands. She walked to me and looked at me with a questioning expression._

\- _Follow me. – I led her to the dining room to the piano and I sat down at the bench. I turned to face her though, as she was standing behind me. – So, why do you think you have a terrible voice?_

\- _Because I do._

\- _I did not ask that. – I shook my head. – Who said that?_

\- _My voice teacher in college._

\- _Only?_

\- _Not "only."She was a performing opera singer. If she says so…_

\- _What exactly did she say? – I pushed on the subject._

\- _That with my voice I shall not sing opera, or anything classical, as my singing sounds like a five year old,'s and I am ridiculous._

 _True, she had a higher pitched, childlike voice, which even slipped an octave above her usual tone, but that was something she had nothing to do about. A skilled teacher makes the maximum out of each voice type. She could be a nice naiva role, as her voice is really not for the roles like "Queen of the Night" or the Countess from Figaro, but she could be a very cute Zerlina for example. It matches her usual way of acting anyways._

\- _You did not sound ridiculous. – I stated calmly. – Please describe how she taught you._

\- _She did not bother with me._

\- _"Bother?"_

\- _Yes, as she said I am, with the obvious lack of a singing voice, will never turn out to be a singer. I liked to sing until college, very much so, but not anymore. I needed voice lessons for college, so she saw me once a week. She gave me a song for homework, but never explained anything. What little I know. I know from watching videos of singing technique, but she never told me I was good or not. She only nodded and dismissed me with the next homework._

\- _How much time did a lesson take? – I gasped._

\- _The duration of the said song, plus maybe one minute._

\- _Warm – ups? – I growled._

\- _No need for warm up it helps nothing for the lack of a voice._

\- _Who said this nonsense?_

\- _Her._

\- _And why did you not search for a private tutor other than this asshole?_

\- _Partly because I thought, if a trained opera singer says I have no voice, she should be right, and I did not wish to waste my already small amount of money for something that would not help at all._

\- _Trained singer my ass! – I snorted._

 _I usually don't use that language, especially not around young women, but I was unable to take so much bullshit any more. Way to go, Madame, to destroy and shatter your pupil's self esteem in pieces and sweep the pieces of it under a rug. What a Carlotta!_

\- _If she performed in Budapest and Vienna, she is a trained singer._

\- _A trained singer never says you need no warm ups. A trained singer never tells a pupil she has no talent. A trained singer encourages talent, no matter how you might sound at the point they start to teach you. You know what would I do if I could figure out how to time travel as you did?_

\- _What? – She asked._

\- _I would send myself in the middle of such a "lesson", and punch your Prima Donna right in the nose. I don't hit women, but that pig should deserve so!_

\- _And what would you do to me…?_

\- _I'd comfort you. – I patted her shoulder. – Like now._

\- _I am sure Christine sounded better. – She sighed. – I sound like a Persian cat being used as a doormat. My high notes are shakey and soft and I can't sing lower than F3. My highest comfortable is C6._

\- _Common mezzosoprano range. – I nodded. – Yet we can work it up. You stopped singing and you fell out of practice because I bet you were able to sing higher as well, regarding your tone of speaking. Now we are getting lazy, staying in comfort zone, eh? – I laughed._

\- _Yes. Though I try to sing E6._

\- _Without scales first?_

\- _Yes as I try to sing along to Phantom soundtrack._

\- _We are NOT singing along to anything. – I shook my head. – Especially not without warm up. So: do you wish me to see what are you capable of? So to calm you about singing?_

\- _Are you sure you won't laugh at me or… tell me it is super bad? I know it is_

\- _I would never laugh at you for something you may fail at. But I am sure you are too harsh on yourself._

\- _Just as you are on yourself about your looks. – She said._

 _It did surprise me yet again, but I just shrugged in the end._

\- _Well, I guess we both need to relax. Maybe we could help each other, huh?_

\- _You help me with accepting my voice…?_

\- _Yes and you help me with accepting myself._

\- _Deal. – She smiled and we shook hands._

 _So, we started the first singing lesson tonight. She really can use some advice, as she was absolutely right about her being untrained. She has breathing issues, but most likely it is yet a leftover of her illness earlier, she doesn't know how to reach under and above her comfort zone, and she has flawed technique with producing sounds. She sings from throat, which is the worst thing she can do, literally. That Carlotta did not explain anything to her. Yet her intonation is mostly right, as she uses her hearing perfectly. Her other strong spot is articulating lyrics understandably- well, the very few times I can actually HEAR her. That is the biggest problem, she literally refuses to open her mouth and if I play the accompaniment, I hear nothing of her singing, and it is sure I am not the one turning deaf. I will sure have a lot of work with her, but I am sure it will worth it in the end. Christine did sound terrible as well, and I made a Prima Donna out of her. Juti is most certainly not talentless, and I am going to teach her how to handle her voice. Though I imagined I will never ever do this again in my life, again Erik turned out to be a voice teacher._

 _She was seemingly very much excited about the fact I teach her and wished to address me as "Angel of Music" but I rather shortly and harshly warned her to stop it, so she did not use that again thankfully. No, Erik is not the Angel of Music, we are not playing that shameful little play again. I won't make the same mistake twice and informed her about I am "Erik" to her, nothing else. She apologized yet again. She apologizes for everything. Even breathing._

 _I daresay we really needed each other. Maybe if we help each other, both of us turn out to be less insecure about our flaws. Helping each other sounds a good idea- the first time in my life I do want to help another person I am not in love with, or am not "forced" to help._


	11. Lessons between Father and Daughter

**Juti's POV:**

A whole new life started for both of us. Erik was no longer waiting for one of us to die, and finally started to relax. He did not have more mental breakdowns in those days, yet he complained about nightmares bothering him if he was willing to sleep at all. I offered him the opportunity to sleep in my bed while I take the couch, but he refused always. It is unacceptable among friends. It did help him that night, but he needs to learn to handle them on his own without clinging to me. Yet he appreciated the idea of my helpfulness and did not take it as an insult any more.

He took all kind of male clothing for me, for every occasion. I received a tailcoat just like his, many jackets, waistcoats, shirts, pants and four pairs of different colored shoes. Erik, thankfully took it to consideration that I was a female, so the male clothes weren't all black. In fact, only my evening attire was completely black and white. He bought me a cute ivory colored waistcoat with leaf pattern, and the coat I loved to wear most was light blue. I felt much better in these clothes than the dresses, yet I loved the female shoes I got, so there were occasions when I wore the light blue sandals with my male outfit.

Spiritually and health wise, I wanted to take care of his well being the most I could. He refused to sleep mostly, claiming he wasn't sleepy, and stating he was very well able to be up for days without sleeping. I knew his insomnia will be hard to cure if it was possible at all, but I always went to sleep at nights. Erik found it a wise move, as he said he did not wish to have two lunatics in one household. Well, his sleeping was problematic still, but I wanted to at least, change his eating habits. Erik was a great cook, and even though he stated he was fine without eating, I asked him to have a few bites with me as I did not like to eat alone. He accepted the terms, and he did eat with me at each course, and I always offered him some of the chocolate he was bringing me for an act of love. He said he did not have much of a sweet tooth himself, but would take one or two pieces of chocolate from the box when I offered them. I wasn't able to decide if he really did not like sweets that much, or he just did not want to take them away from me.

I tried to occupy his mind with positive thoughts, which was, indeed a hard task. Erik warned me his life had turned him to be a "that glass is always half empty" kind of person, but I refused to leave it at that. To me that said glass was always half full, and I stubbornly tried to search the good things in a bad happening – while Erik stubbornly did the opposite. He was surprised it was just as hard to make me feel sad as it was hard to cheer him up.

In some days, my constant hooray optimism started to slowly stick on him. At first he just smiled at my silly jokes and childish remarks, and the way I was actually very easily impressed. It was just my nature. If I saw a more complicated sheet music, a drawing he made earlier, or he played something for me on any kind of instrument, I was cheerful and praised him to no end. I clapped like I was in theater and cheered for him, telling him he was a genius, a talent, and the best in everything. At first it seemed to annoy him a bit, or bother him, but eventually he did not only reply with a quick nod, but a smile and a "Thanks". He started to believe what I told him and I was happy and determined. Way to go!

Physical affection was the other way to treat him. I did not want to bother him, but I would always pet his shoulder one time when I passed him as he was seated, or I would kiss his forehead if he asked for it. He did dare to ask at least. Not often, but sometimes he did, and it made me feel better about my method working.

In an evening I wished to try a new way of physical contact when he arrived home and was in seemingly a bad mood again. When I asked him what the matter was, he shortly informed me about his shoulders and back being in pain.

\- It happens. – He moaned.

He sat down in a chair in the drawing room, trying to collect his strength to do something. I stepped behind him and put my hands on his shoulders gently. He did not move. He was getting used to my touch and it did not alarm him that much any more as it did earlier. He was just waiting to find out what I wanted to do. I felt his muscles were all stiff, and I knew it must be indeed painful for him, so I wanted to help him with it. Very carefully, not to hurt him, I started massaging his shoulders first. I was examining his reaction and was prepared to stop anytime if he did not want it, but he did not tell me to stop. Instead he tried to sit as I was able to reach him the easiest. He seemed to enjoy it then, so I was trying to do it a bit harder. He sighed in relief as I was massaging his shoulders, and started to do it on his back as well. The poor man had cramped muscles in his back and it bothered him to no end. Thankfully it did get better as I massaged him. I also caressed his forearm and neck, which made him feel much better. When I finished after loosening all the cramps I could sense, he stretched out with a deep sigh, and turned to kiss me on the forehead. He said nothing, but his eyes showed thankfulness and love.

Erik was, indeed a complicated person. On one side, he was a determined, touchy, a bit of crazy genius, a bit too controlling and bossy, yet in general, wise and smart adult, but on the other side, he was a shy, introvert small boy, yearning for love, he was childish and in some ways, childlikely innocent, he was funny if he wanted to be, and one could literally spread him on bread if he was given a kiss on his forehead. He was easygoing mostly, if someone did not try his patience too much. He did not mind a bit of playful teasing, but if it went through a boundary, he would react with insults towards me, which he did regret almost right away, and fell on his knees in front of me, crying. He liked to receive kisses on his forehead, and would do literally anything for one, and he did like to give them on my forehead as well, firstly a bit hesitantly, as if he was afraid he disgusts me, but after he realized I wasn't disgusted, he gave them more frequently. Another favorite way of touch of his was holding hands. Hetook my hand and wanted to keep it in his twice as big hand as mine. He loved to hold me like that, and sometimes squeezed his fingers on mine as he was afraid I disappear in a blink of an eye. I had to calm him I was there to stay.

As he was not yet open to list things he liked about himself, I did not force it on him, yet I was telling him what I liked about him. I randomly caught his attention about a positive act he had done or a positive trait in his personality, which did attract me. He did not seem to believe me at first, or did belittle the act or trait compared to the bad habits and personality traits he has, but if he did so, I made him stop, kindly, but strictly. He accepted this rule and surprisingly, within time, there were less occasions he would insult himself, and accepted my compliments.

After he got friendlier with his inner spirit, I decided to take a step forward and meet the bigger challenge: his looks. I knew exactly that he hated his face and body, and even though he threw away the masks, he refused to take off the false nose in my presence. Yet, I started listing the physical traits I loved in him.

\- I love your hands. – I smiled at him once, when I was looking at his long fingers.

\- Umm. – He turned his head to face me and lifted his hands in front of his face just as if he saw them for the first time. – What on Earth do you like about these death's hands?

\- You have nice long fingers. – I admitted.

\- True. – He agreed hesitantly, but gave me a small smile.

I also loved his eyes. They did not frighten me, I found the glowing eyes in the dark a very cool feature. I envied him for such an ability, and my envy just grew when I found out Erik can see perfectly in the dark. I got to know about it when he took me out of the house to the cellar and he did not take any lamp with him. He took my hand and led me after himself.

\- Before I take you upstairs on the streets – He explained. – I have to teach you things.

\- What sort of things? – I inquired.

\- At first, to know the cellars. It is easy to get lost and I am not always here to collect you. You have to learn where to go so you will be able to walk alone.

\- Yes, but I see nothing.

\- You can't always carry a lantern. You have to learn these passageways so that you will be able to go through even blindfolded.

\- And can you see in the dark?

\- I can. Just as fine as at daylight.

\- Can you see colors too?

\- Yes. – He replied.

\- Good for you! – I grinned. – How I envy your cat eyes.

\- I envy human looks. – He sighed with a hint of irritation, but did not scold me.

\- But why can't I carry a lantern?

\- Because people might see you. And from upper than the third cellar you ought to be as silent as possible. – He sighed, just as he had to explain every obvious things to a not too smart child. – We are not exactly living here all legally, you see. Unless you wish to cause Erik and yourself trouble, you shall follow my instructions.

\- I would never cause you trouble dear. – I hugged him from behind, but he jumped a bit from fright, as he wasn't prepared for it.

\- Then please don't cause me to have a heart attack by surprising me. – He scolded.

\- It is only me here, why are you scared? – I laghed out, but he silenced me.

\- You aren't. – He pressed his hand against my mouth for some seconds, trying to locate any sounds, and only after he made sure we were still alone, he released me. – We might have companion sometimes.

\- Who? The Daroga?

\- I am not hiding from the Daroga. – He shook his head. – I don't care about that Persian cop.

\- Then who? – I nagged him.

\- _Him_. - He replied with an ominous tone. For a second, I thought he only wanted to frighten me as he did when we met, so I went on.

\- Who him? Is there someone frightening here? A real ghost perhaps…?

\- He is worse than a ghost. He wears a hat and a cloak like me. But if you walk alone in the cellars, don't run to any cloaked figure yelling "Erik" because you might end up at the director's office in a second. He is strong and can carry you by your ears. The Persian cop was caught by him, not once.

\- Oh that guy I did not know the role of in the book!

\- Yes. – He sighed, that I finally understood.

\- Anyway, do as I say. Then nothing bad will happen.

In the following days he taught me to everything. I was walking after him, as silently as I could, sometimes I had to remove my shoes as they were yet too new and squeaking. We worked out a way of communication without words, which indicated situations we needed to handle. If he turned back and tapped my shoulder quickly it meant "Hide" and I had to search for the nearest switch that made me able to jump in a secret passageway behind the wall. Once we even had to use it in real danger situation as we saw the cloaked figure. Erik stood still behind that wall with me, hugging me close to himself, and put his hand on my mouth to avoid the smallest of noisemaking on my side. After the figure left, he nodded, and peeked outside if he was still able to see him. But he was gone. The figure even kicked the walls while passing so I was scared as Hell, but Erik assured me unless I make noise, we were fine there. When the thing was finally gone, and we got out of our hiding place, I stuck my tongue out in the direction where the figure went.

\- He is just doing his job. – Erik shrugged. – He has to put bread on the table somehow.

\- Then he could better go and do some kind of honorable job, not this spying disgusting sneaky thing.

\- As killing people for money is much more acceptable, you say?

\- As an assassin?

\- No, as a soldier. Why do we respect soldiers if we loathe assassins? What is the difference?

\- Soldiers save the country. – I stated.

\- By going to another country and kill innocent citizens? – Erik snorted. – Don't make me laugh with this bullshit. Assassins at least do only kill dangerous spies.

\- Like this one? – I pointed after the cloaked man.

\- Kind of.

\- Then why is he still alive?

\- Whoah. You now encourage Erik for murder, do I hear it right?

\- No. I only inquired why you left him alive. Not a problem though.

\- As his disappearance and sudden death would cause people to sniff after Erik. Erik is not stupid. It is better to have this thing walking along the cellars once a day than having a bunch of people trying to directly search for the Phantom. He now goes back to the director's office and says everything was all right. It is how it's meant to be.

\- Oh… true. – I nodded. I honestly did not think of this reason.

I memorized all of the ways down to the house and up to the Opera, and towards Rue Scribe. Depends where we were going, there were different ways and shortcuts. The cellars were huge and Erik did not like to walk a lot. That is why he used the shortcut from the third cellar to the torture chamber. He did show me the way, yet warned me not to use that when I am alone. He was afraid, with my lack of sense of balance, I'd jump at the wrong place and got seriously injured if for example I landed on the roof and slid down from there. I promised him I will never go there without him, and it seemed to calm him. I now was sure he liked me a lot, as the possibility of my injury or death did send him to panic. He wanted to make sure I won't do silly things, and would ask many times about do I know what I should not do. When I listed him his rules he was always calmed down that I know the lesson.

1\. Never jump in the torture chamber.

2\. Never get the figure's attention.

3\. Never try to light a fire, and never leave a candle alone, even for a minute.

4\. Never to climb into the boat alone.

5\. No jumping around in the boat while he rows.

6\. Never to walk into the torture chamber to investigate the mechanism.

7\. No meddling with equipment I don't know.

8\. No touching the liquids in the Louis Philippe room's case.

These were the most important rules I had to know, but they lessened as I learned more and more things. For example after I learned how to light a fire in the stove or a fireplace, the "not starting a fire" rule was outdated. Living in the 19th century wasn't that hard as I imagined, though Erik had luxurious living arrangements compared to his era, with running water and some electricity in his house, which finally made it possible for me to charge my phone, and show it to Erik. He adored new things and my phone amazed him. I knew if I had to live alone in a cottage, things would not be as easy as I would have to pull water from a well, or pump it in buckets. I was thankful for Erik's claims about the still newly invented water closets, as I would not be too fond of chamber pots. I nearly felt like I was home, with such an equipment. I helped Erik with everything I could, I did the dishes, I put the firewood in the stove, I dusted, and I scrubbed the floors. Cutting and handling firewood was something he did not let me do. He was concerned about me working with an axe.

One thing I wished to learn by myself: rowing the boat. I asked Erik to teach me to do so, which was rejected at first, due to the fact I could not swim. At the end though, he finally agreed because of the reason he was thinking I should be able to use the boat without him if he was unable to row because of some health issue. His hand was broken before, so it could happen anytime again, and save for the Rue Scribe and the Torture Chamber ways, I needed to go through the lake at some point. Rue Scribe way required a huge fuss of literally rounding the whole Opera if I wasn't going from that direction, so it was a long way we rarely used, and the Torture Chamber way was forbidden for me, so yes, I needed to learn to handle the boat.

I thought it would be easy, looking at how Erik seemingly did not put any effort in it, and I imagined it would take no time until I row as well as him. Oh how wrong I was… Balancing the two paddles was a nightmare, I was constantly turning in one side, finally going in circles or being stuck sideways. Turning and backing were hard to learn as well, especially turning. Yet I turned without intent, if I did want to go in a direction, the boat did exactly the opposite of what I wanted. After two hours of desperate trying, my shoulders, arms and back were in pain and my palms were aching as well, as I squeezed too hard. Erik just acknowledged the thing with a forgiving smile, yet he tried to help me the best he could with my pains. Yet I did not wish to give up. Erik actually found my persistency much praiseworthy, so he encouraged me about it, and this made me even more determined. In a few days, I was much better at it, and in two weeks, I was able to navigate the boat just fine, without Erik's help. He praised me and patted my shoulders, telling me how proud he was of me, as I, despite of being a girl, learned to do such a hard physical work.

\- What a little survivor and determined little girl you are. – He smiled. – Erik is proud of you.

I could not be happier about a thing he ever told me. He was making me feel so good about myself finally, that I never felt such a delight about something I did.

Also, singing gave me pleasure. I liked to sing again as we had lessons with Erik, day by day. Firstly, we worked only on scales and warm ups, but I enjoyed it just as I was singing songs, though I hated to practice other times. Erik gave me tips and ideas of how to make my voice sound a bit more mature and richer sounding. He, as he said earlier, was indeed a patient teacher compared to his temper usually. He corrected my mistakes, but never remarked them, and wasn't making fun of me, no matter how ridiculous I sounded. The only thing that made him annoyed was if I stated I was unable to do something.

\- "Inability" as _you_ call it, my child, is pure laziness and the lack of want. If you **WANT** to do something, you **can** do something- remember how you learned to row that boat? Yet you are a young girl and weaker than an adult male who got used to carrying bricks or cement for decades. You row just as fine as he does now.

I had to realize he was right. As I stopped claiming I could not do something, I succeeded in doing a very complicated jump between two notes, as Erik instructed me. I was so happy about it I instantly ran to hug him as he sat in front of the piano and I leaned my head on his shoulder. He did not protest, and patted my back with a few words of encouragement.

\- Thank you Papa. – I told him without thinking.

\- Papa? – He repeated with a hint of surprise.

\- Sorry. – I apologized quickly. – I lost my mind.

\- There is, I think, a meaning behind you suddenly addressing me as your father. – He said seriously, yet not scoldingly. – What has happened to your father? Did you… lose him recently?

\- In a way. But I have lost him nearly 20 years ago, to be honest. – I admitted softly.

\- Come. – He pulled me down next to him on the bench. – Let's talk about this issue. I would wish you to be comfortable around me, as I like you now. A lot. And you may tell Erik anything.

\- Well, it is just… so my father and I are not in the best relationship since I was 10.

\- Why?

\- Because… he is blind from the age of 27 which was a big enough problem, but when I was 10 years old, he started to lose his hearing as well. Now he is nearly all deaf, and uses hearing aid, but the bigger problem is his depression. He stopped to be a father for me 18 years ago. Until that he was a father everyone asks for. He adored me and I adored him. But depression changed him and the relationship between us. At first… he just stopped caring about me. He never asked about what had happened to me and Mom, and… he did not care if I told him. And when I got to college, we found out I had… so mental disability. I am not sure if in this century, it is already known, but it is a form of Autism. And he could not accept that. He insulted me about it a lot and said I was good for nothing. He did not believe I was able to go through college. When I finished, he said it was just a matter of… luck.

\- I knew it was more to your lack of self esteem than your voice teacher's rubbish. – Erik stated calmly.

\- Yes… so I told you already that I wasn't a popular child at school either. And my father… and my teacher…

\- I see. – He sighed and nodded. – And your mother? How was she to you?

\- She is the only one who understands me and we finish each other's sentences. We are soulmates. And there is a boy I met online… you know on the internet, I told you about before.

\- Boy? – He looked at me with a bit of suspicion.

\- Yes, Jeff. He is six years older than me and a total sweetheart. He loves Phantom as well. We met because liking your story. It was our interest we shared.

\- And what is he to you?

\- You see… I love him a lot. We were planning to meet up and…

\- Get married? – He went on.

\- Yes, eventually. But he lived at the other end of the world. He lives in America, and me in Hungary.

\- Long distance relationships never work out. What on Earth you do? Send letters to each other?

\- It is easier as we can talk face to face with the phone's camera. It is like I was talking to you. The only thing is I can't touch him.

\- You see him and hear his voice? – His jaw dropped.

\- Yes. But now that I lost internet connection and skyrocketed back in 1881, I guess we are not together any more. He isn't even born yet. Not even his Grandfather maybe.

\- So you stuck with me in the past.

\- Yes, but I don't mind it. I feel better here than at home. I just miss Mom and Jeff. And my dog. I was going through a lot of stress lately, and here with you I feel like I got a new chance for starting everything over. You are not mad for calling you Papa accidentally, right?

\- Not at all, just you surprised me with it. I think I am old enough to be your father anyways.

\- Why, may I ask… how much older are you, Erik?

\- It is a strange question. Mathematically speaking, as you were born in 1989, I would say I am older than you by 157 years, but as it makes me feel like a corpse even more, let's just stick with the difference between your and my current age, which is 21.

\- You were born in… in…

\- 1832. – He helped.

\- Which month? – I went on.

\- Same as you. – He said.

\- And which day?

\- Why do you ask for my Birthday, do you want to celebrate it?

\- Yes.

\- In that case, you would have to wait until it shows up in the calendar as I was born in a leap year.

\- Wow! You age a year in every four years! – I exclaimed. – Awesome.

\- If it was that simple, I'd like it too. Anyway, you may call me Papa sometimes if it makes you feel better, but mostly, please stay with Erik. And understandably you miss a faher from your life. I would be proud to be your father.

\- Oh Erik… this is the kindest thing you told me yet… thank you!

I hugged him tight and he stroke my hair, placing my head against his chest. This was the first time he did it, and it meant the world to me.

 **Erik's diary:**

 _[…] In these weeks I have learned much from Juti, just as she learned much from me. I have trained her to know the cellars, made her develop a singing technique, which is why we go slower than we were going with Christine. Christine got a basic training in Conservatory, but Juti started singing from zero, literally. Her voice is pleasant, especially after I explained her how to make her voice sound richer, exploring more layers in her intonation. Her range is getting wider._

 _I have learned about accepting myself finally, as she won't stop complimenting me in every way possible. I am not sure if I should believe her, but she seems to be so honest…_

 _Also she made me learn about modern technique and gadgets when once she shyly asked if I had electric power in the house. I could not imagine what she needed it for, but I indeed used power to run the organ's windbag, the alarm system and the torture chamber. I informed her about I indeed have it, but I wished to know the reason she was in need of it for._

 _She showed me one of the unidentified devices I found in her pocket when I found her, and told me it was her favorite device, but it ran out of power and she wasn't able to use it. She handed me both the device and the equipment to charge it with, so I connected it in the place of the organ windbag for her. I could really miss it for some time, to make her happy._

 _When it got full charged and she was so so happy about it, just like a child if she gets back a precious toy, I got interested in why did she like it that much. She was rather adorable as she showed me the features she loved the most about the device. She explained it was a telephone, abbreviated as "phone", but people in 21_ _st_ _century did not use it for calling each other mostly, but for browsing the internet. She said, as we were in 19_ _th_ _xentury, the device lacked the internet, which was a pity, as she could have showed me many more interesting things, but good enough without it too. I had never seen such a thing before. It had a glass surface which showed pictures and text, the durface was glowing in the dark and it reacted to touch. Not only hers, mine too. I found out she stored music on it, and she showed me parts of that "Phantom of the Opera" play she was talking about. "Music of the night" performed by a guy named Michael Crawford was very special to her as she asked my opinion about it, I shrugged. The song was quite touching and well- composed, yet the man's voice was rather strange to me, as if he was living on Helium, so it took away from the magic for me. She seemed to love the guy's voice, so I did not directly insult him though. She was looking at me questioningly for some time, then asked._

\- _Would you please…?_

\- _Would I please what? – I asked, pretending I did not understand what she wanted._

 _She sure wanted me to sing it. Strange thing, really, I still did not sing for her, not even after weeks. I knew she wanted it, and I gave her voice lessons, and played music for her, but to be honest, I did not feel too good emotionally to sing. It was too soon after Christine had left, and it was painful for me to sing. However I liked Juti, I still felt a huge gap in my heart that yearned for Christine, knowing she will never return – I just can't pretend she never existed just because I found a –rather nice though – other companion. When I corrected her singing, I mostly played the correct melody on piano, or just explained to her in prose. She had a good enough hearing to follow it without singing pattern._

\- _Would you please sing for me? If you don't want this song, you may sing whatever you wish to. – She pleaded. – Your speaking voice is so enchanting just as in the book. I would like to hear you sing…_

\- _Don't ask that of me, please. – I shook my head and sighed sadly. – Erik does ot want to sing._

\- _Not anymore…?_

\- _It was a miracle I was able to play the piano so soon after… the… the happenings. – I admitted softly. – I play for you anytime you want, but I do not feel ready to sing yet._

\- _Oh, I see. – She nodded understandingly. – Do you wish to stop the lessons then?_

\- _No. – I replied. – It doesn't pain me to hear you sing._

 _Her offer surprised and touched me. She was willing to give up voice lessons if they were hurting my soul. She adored music lessons, and yet she was just about to go without them for my well being._

\- _Are you sure? – She continued worriedly._

\- _I am. We can have music lessons. They help me. And… eventually Erik is going to… get used to singing again. Just give him time. When he feels comfortable enough, he will sing for you. – I promised._

 _She accepted my reasoning, and did not ask me anymore about singing, which was kind of her. She respected my will, which was foreign to me. Not even Christine respected it, as if she did, my mask was never touched in the first place… eh._

 _She also showed me a game I quite liked. It is called "Piano Tiles". The point was I had to touch the black tiles running down on the surface and it made the device play piano music of famous composers. She was amazed I bet her "High Score" at each song, because I could continue when the music was getting faster and faster as well. Well, having long fingers and 45 years of routine seems to pay off._

 _Once when she was browsing her device, I heard a strange clicking sound, and got suspicious about what the devil could produce that._

\- _What was that? – I asked suddenly._

\- _Umm… nothing. – She stuttered._

 _That reply did not satisfy me at all, so I walked closer. She pushed some button on it quickly and when I arrived next to her it only showed the main screen._

\- _What were you doing? – I demanded a reply._

\- _I took… a picture._

\- _With what?_

\- _It has a built in camera that can record moving pictures and pictures…_

\- _And you took a picture of what?_

\- _You won't be angry if I tell…?_

\- _Me. – I stated coldly._

\- _Yes. – She nodded._

\- _This instant… I demand you to destroy it._

\- _Erik, please, just one picture, please…_

\- _No. – I growled. – Either_ _ **you**_ _destroy it, or_ _ **I destroy the device.**_

 _I reached out to take it from her, but she shook her head desperately and showed me a screen in which I could see the picture of me disappeared._

\- _Never do that again. – I threatened her. – Or I will not talk to you for a week._

\- _Please forgive me, I just… I just wished to have a picture of my… best friend… and Papa._

 _Oh she called me Papa again. As she told me the story about her relationship with her father, or to be clear, the lack of it, I understood why she clung to me so much as a father figure. She felt she at least she found someone she loved as a father instead of her own. And to tell the truth, I thought she was like a daughter to me._

 _With a sigh I walked closer and crossed my arms on my chest._

\- **_One_** _picture. – I said softly. – Take it before I change my mind._

 _With a wide smile all over her face she moved the phone in the right angle, and I heard that clicking sound again._

\- _Thank you Papa. – She smiled._

\- _Mhm… just promise you will never show it to me. I don't wish to see it._

 _She promised and I slowly left her to herself so that she will be happy about that picture of Erik. And it did not feel that horrible as I thought it will._


	12. Value of Gold and Kisses

**Juti's POV:**

After I took that picture of Erik, I noticed something strange in his behavior towards me. He became friendlier, compared to what I thought, seeing his reaction after taking the picture. I imagined he will be absolutely distant to me, just as earlier, as he wanted to destroy my phone, and yet he allowed me to shoot a photograph of him, and after an evening and night he spent totally separated from me, the next morning he became friendlier than before. This was the act that surprised me, as I assumed the separation was because he did not want to see me at all, taking the photography as a sign of betrayal. Well, I would not like to have my photo taken if I looked like him, either, and yet I took it without his permission, and the only reason he did not kill me was he liked me enough already not to. Just when I was trying to accept my fate from now and tried to think what to do without Erik, he reappeared and was smiling and cheerfully wished me a good morning, inquiring if I slept well.

I guess he needed some alone time to get his feelings sorted out, that is why he disappeared for more than twelve hours in his room. But I had to find out later that it wasn't a sign of hatred or hurt with Erik: he disappeared for hours even if we were fine and he was in good mood. I did not bother him, and it seemed to pay off. When he retreated in his room, I occupied myself with something else. To be honest, both of us needed alone time sometimes. Erik wasn't used to having a companion and my constant presence and he constantly needing to behave around me sure wore him out after a time, and contrary to my friendly behavior, I was an introvert person too, who would enjoy just listening to music, reading and being left alone for a time when I needed. In this aspect we were quite alike.

As I had my phone back, it was easy to listen to stored music I downloaded, and as I had my earphones, Erik mostly did not know what I was listening to, so it did not bother him. I listened to music with earphones for two reasons: I did not want to disturb Erik, and… sometimes I was ashamed of the banality of the music I absolutely adored. A musically trained person with perfect pitch, a composer, a music major MSC degree conductor… so… such a person really should not love so simple and laughably low- class pieces as "Im Himmel gibt's kein Bier", or Agadoo by Black Lace. My music taste, sadly did not only contain Mozart, Bach, Chopin and other quality classical pieces, even though I enjoyed them very much, my taste included much favorite songs I would never ever admit liking to anyone – especially not to Erik, who was the most qualified musician of all time I have ever met. I did not hear any of his pieces yet, but I was sure he would never write something as stupid as these songs I guiltily enjoyed.

Once when I was left alone and Erik went somewhere alone, I was listening to one of these absolutely favorite but way too simple songs. It was a 27 minute long Lithuanian song, with the same simple melody over and over, with a tiny bit of variation sometimes: Kliurka – Pasilinksminsim Visi. I loved to dance to that song, so I was just jumping around the dining and drawing room, with both of my ears plugged in, with the phone in my pocket, sometimes playing air violin if violins came in the song. To tell the truth, I should have looked quite funny and disturbing, but I loved to do it when I was alone and listening to music. I was tapping my foot against the floor and shook my hand up and down mostly, but at a sudden jump backwards, I turned, and…. Nearly got a heart attack and nearly sank with shame.

Erik arrived home, I just did not hear him cause of the music. He stood at the doorway, with crossed arms, examining me. I picked the earphones out embarrassedly and wasn't sure what to say, but I muttered a soft "Salut" to greet him.

\- Salut. – He smiled. – Don't bother with me, go on. – He said.

\- I must have looked like a total… nuts.

\- And? What is the matter with that? – He shrugged.

\- Ummm… well what can you think of me now…?

\- Nothing bad. Why, how do you think I look like when I have no inspiration, for example?

\- Why, how?

\- I walk up and down the house and yell from the top of my lungs, insulting myself to no end. Well, THAT looks insane, not what you do. You were merely having fun. No more no less. Dancing is strange to watch without music, but you heard it. What is it that makes you feel so good?

Uh, the question came. Well, now he will say I am frugal about music and I listen to every crap.

\- Are you sure you wish to hear it? – I asked.

\- Why? Does it have… lyrics with… so lyrics that are about openly some sexual act?

\- What do you think of me? – I gasped. – Um, oh well I honestly don't know by the way… it is in Lithuanian, but I would not listen to songs like that from my free will.

\- Then what is wrong, eh?

\- It is simple as a peg.

\- It is not a problem. – Erik stated. – Let me hear it please.

Well, in a way I could understand him. He just wanted to have fun as he saw me being very happy about what I heard, he wished to be happy as well. I put the phone on the table, went back to the beginning, and removed the earphones.

As the first measures started, Erik nodded. I expected him to listen to it for ten more seconds, then sending me away with a forgiving smile, or leaving me there alone with a disgusted little sigh. To my surprise, he did not leave, yet the simplicity of the song was now obvious. What surprised me even further was his foot started tapping the rhythm just as mine. He was also nodding to the rhythm and clapped some before suddenly taking my hand.

\- Come. – He said suddenly.

In a blink of an eye we were dancing together. It wasn't a choreographed dance rather just jumping around to the music, he sometimes took my arm and we were turning in circles, and I was amazed to see what acrobatic dance moves he was able to do. He jumped above the small table or backflipped over the couch's backrest, he finally showed me he could do that Kossack dance he was very proud of. I clapped as the music finished and I was extremely surprised he was still in such an awesome condition. As I did the math he was already past 49 years old, and he jumped around better than me. He wasn't even panting after he finished.

\- Wow, you can dance!

\- Not really. – He shook his head while sitting down. – Just having fun as you do. I could not do waltz for example.

\- So you… liked the music?

\- Mhm. – He shrugged. – Good enough for fooling around.

\- So you don't say I have no taste in music?

\- Why would I?

\- Cause I listen to such things which are built up from four accords the most. This is too simple and…

\- Hey- hey. Chill. – He chuckled. – Who said you were only allowed to enjoy "quality" music, eh?

\- Well, a musician shall have taste in music.

\- You do. You like classicals and appreciate the old masters. But tell me child, what music is for, the first place?

\- Well… having fun?

\- Right answer. – He nodded. – And as long as you are having fun, who should judge you for liking something? Do you think I, personally don't like very simple songs, hm?

\- I thought you were more serious about music.

\- When we are performing, I am. When I am composing, I am. But singing and dancing for fun is another cup of tea. Never be ashamed of something you love. Never be ashamed of yourself for being you.

\- I say the same to you. – I pointed at him, smiling.

\- Giving advice is something else than living your own life. – He laughed softly. – But… you are kind you don't think Erik should be ashamed of himself.

\- Not at all. – I patted his hand.

He stiffened for some seconds, but closed his eyes in delight.

\- May I ask something…? – He continued.

\- Of course.

\- Ummm… Do you look at… that picture…?

\- Your photo?

\- Yes. – He whispered.

\- Yes I do. – I nodded. – When you are away for longer time, and I like to look at it anyway.

\- Well. – He did not directly reply to that, but he cleared his throat. – So… why is my opinion so important to you about something you like?

\- Because I respect you and you are a kind of role model to me.

\- Oh, no no no no. – He shook his head quickly. – Wait, you can't say a serial killer is your role model. You can't respect a monster. It is seriously wrong.

\- Erik I don't respect you because you…. Killed people.

\- But then what for?

\- May I tell…?

\- I insist. – He nodded seriously.

\- Because you don't give up. – I said. – You keep fighting. Even with a face and fate like yours, you tried to get the most out of your life. I mean, you learned languages, you learned to play instruments, you compose… you taught yourself without help. Many people, who has a supportive family with them, get nowhere in their lives. They stop every school halfway and they don't have any ambitions. Erik, the world gave you slaps wherever you went and you still are here. Despite depression, rejection and solitude… you are a remarkable and precious man. And I will always respect you for that. And support you always when you, despite everything, wish to give it up. I am here for comfort.

\- Thank you. – His voice was shaky as he nearly cried. – You… you are the first who… say these things… and I just… am not sure you are real.

\- I am. – I winked. – But if you think I am not, you are always welcome to touch me to make sure.

\- Oh… - He could not restrain his tears any longer and took my hand, gently massaging my fingers. - I … don't know what to say. – He admitted.

\- No probs, Erik. I know what you feel.

\- So… he cleared his throat and tried to compose himself to speak. – You are fine with what you like. However simple it may be, or no matter if I happen to like it or not. I am not God himself who only tells the undoubtable truth, and you shall not follow my taste at all. You are your own person and have your unique taste. And about quality and musicians… Music… isn't mainly the art of the brain… but the heart. And if it catches your heart, you are fine. You should feel the music rather than think it through logiacally. Who cares it is made of four accords, eh? It can be good as well, if done with heart and fantasy. It is not a blueprint you have to measure out for millimeters and work up precisely with compasses and rulers. If you don't use your heart, it is just a precisely made up soulless thing. Just like my earlier compositions in my youth… as Erik had no heart for a long time.

\- Don't say that.

\- It is the truth. But.. I am now starting to… grow one… I am not sure. I feel things I can't even name. But they are good feelings mostly. You… teach me to feel.

It was so touching that Erik told me I taught him to feel. I am good for something at least.

Erik acted the same way as he did earlier from that special time as well, being a true gentleman of the Victorian era, a respectful cavalier who pulled chairs out for me, helping coats on or off of me, opening doors in front of me and such, but he started being extra casual, as with a best friend, when he playfully slapped my shoulders, messed my hair, or gently but playfully pulled my ear, especially if I messed up something while singing. These little touches and casual talks happened more and more, and Erik slowly started getting more comfortable about joking around with me. Dancing together showed him I wasn't a porcelain doll like Christine, which had to be handled with extreme politeness and seriously always and he started to learn how to have fun with others around, who did not happen to mind his appearance. He started to laugh more – and not with that gravely laugh he tried to scare me with earlier. His usual laugh was way more pleasant, yet rarely used before, so sometimes he got surprised about hearing his own laugh. He admitted me softly once that a sincere heartfelt laugh was something he hadn't done for long ages, and thought, was entirely incapable of any more.

\- You would have became the perfect aid for a smith. – He laughed out once, with this newly discovered laugh both by me and him, after pulling my ear.

\- Why? – I smiled.

\- Your ear is big enough. – He nodded. – My master would say a kid is only a good aid if his ears are big enough to be pulled. Mine were perfect. – He laughed again.

\- Did he pull your ear? – I looked at him with a bit of worry.

\- Teen boys sometimes don't listen to anything else. But I liked it… at least he wasn't… disgusted… eh…- He looked at me for some seconds but I could see his thoughts wandered off of the world surrounding him.

He did not say anything else about the subject, but suddenly put his fingers back on my ear and massaged it as if he was searching for something.

\- What is that you are looking for? – I asked.

\- Your ears are pierced. – He stated. – Yet you don't wear earrings.

\- Yes, they got pierced when I was a day old, and I got my first earrings as a baby. And I wore them… until recently.

\- Hm… and what has happened…? You lost them?

\- In a way. – I nodded.

\- Let me guess: You had to sell them?

\- How did you know?

\- Due to the fact you did not say much about the reasons WHY you stopped wearing them.

\- My family got in… trouble. And well. So there was no other way out.

\- When was this?

\- In last December.

\- And your ear did not yet heal.

\- Sometimes I move a needle in them so I don't let them heal. I thought for some months that… we can get them back.

\- What did they look like? – He inquired.

I wasn't sure why did he ask. I did not like this subject, so I just said:

\- They were rather important because the memories, not the looks.

\- All right, wait here.

He stood up from the piano and he left the room to go somewhere else. I sat down in front of the instrument, staring at the keys. I did not like the fact that Erik learned about… my situation, but I at least got better since. Yet here in Paris, in 1881, I had no money at all. I had a purse in my pocket with a 500 HUF bill, but it was not much in my time either. I could have bought a bag of crisps and a bottle of coke on it in 2017 Hungary. So, I had no money for the time period and wasn't sure what did a thing cost in 1881. I read in Leroux that there were 1000 franc bills and Erik asked for 20 000 francs a month, but I had no clue if it was a ridiculously much thing or not. It might have been much money. 20 000 Hungarian Forints in my time, wasn't that much. It could pay only one of the bills, most likely power or heating. If I found 5 francs on the streets, I literally would not know what to buy on it and how much time it would take to spend it.

Erik returned with something in his hand. As he arrived closer, I noticed it was a pair of golden earrings. Simple, ring shaped. He gently put them in my ears without a word. I assumed they were once Christine's, but I was wrong, as he shook his head. He was yet again reading my mind.

\- No. These were once… in Erik's ears. – He admitted. – But don't worry it was a long time ago.

\- You had earrings? – I lauged out.

\- Twenty – something year old Erik thought it was a good idea and made him look unique as a magician.

\- In Persia?

\- Yes. – He nodded. – You won't believe, but Erik had very long hair and earrings then.

I closed my eyes, trying to picture him with earrings and ponytail, and as I did so I laughed.

\- I know. – I heard him laughing too. – It was a … well, indeed a unique sight. – He sighed, half self – mockingly.

\- And why do you give them to me? – I got serious.

\- Because you don't have them. Well, if it bothers you that they were mine I can get you a new pair… but I did not want your ears to completely heal after so much time you had them pierced.

\- I love the fact they were yours. – I smiled. – But… don't you wish to keep them?

\- And what, pray tell, should Erik use them for, eh? – He burst out in laughter. – Earrings are not in fashion for Parisian male corpses nowadays. East is East… that is another thing.

\- I did not assume you would wear them, but perhaps you would… make it melted and create a cravat pin for yourself of them…?

\- If I did not already have a full box of a size of a mill- wheel of tie pins and cufflinks, your reasoning would be valid, but no thanks. I am happy you can use them. It is nothing.

\- Nothing…? Erik these are made of gold and…

\- And?

\- And… well they are too valuable for me. I mean…

\- What are you talking about again? – He turned to me, not understanding the matter.

\- You see I did not receive such a pricey gift from someone who wasn't related to me in a way.

\- You said I was your father. – He shrugged.

\- I don't know how I could repay you.

\- Repay? – He repeated in disbelief.

\- Yes, as it is…

\- It is not a loan, silly girl. It is a gift. You can understand the concept of gifts, can you? Even Erik can, yet he did not get anything from anyone. Yet he knows what it is: a thng you give someone, not expecting them to return it. Out of love.

\- Thank you. – I smiled at him, giving him a hug. – I was just afraid I did not deserve such a valuable gift for… doing nothing.

\- Nothing…? – Erik looked at me in the eye. – Child, do you know what wealth means: Absolutely nothing. What the Hell it means if Erik has gold and silver and thousands of francs if he never received a hug or a kiss? And you give him that. And you call it NOTHING? And how to repay me you ask? Just do as you did before… this NOTHING as you call it. It is more than anyone ever did to Erik.

\- Well, you gave me a lesson yet again. – I smiled at him.

\- Just as a father does to his daughter, no? – He hesitantly patted my head.

\- And… who pierced your ears? – I inquired curiously.

\- Me, naturally.

\- Ouch.

\- I handled pain well always, and it wasn't painful at all anyway. – He shrugged. – Physical pain is nothing for me. There are worse things than that.

To comfort him, I stroke his hair and he seemed to like it. He opened his mouth for a second, but he just shook his head and closed it again. I am not sure what he wanted to say, but in the end, he did not say anything, and I did not dare to ask what was in his mind.

 **Erik's diary**

 _11th July, 1881_

 _I can't believe. It has been two months I had found her. Yes, two months. And I feel like I have became another person. And it has been a monthsince she saw my face. She still isn't disgusted. I can't believe it. Christine was able to hide her horror well for two weeks after the unmasking, but thinking back, I was literally blind for not noticing the signs of her disgust. She rather did not look directly at me, only in my direction and, just as I accidentally did not fall in her field of vision, she could handle to converse with me like that, though I did not wear a mask. I don't blame her, the angel, for it. How could I, when I can't look at my face for a long time without my stomach turning? If I accidentally see my face in the bathroom mirror, I have to close my eyes to run away from the sight – just as she did when I knelt down to kiss the hem of her dress. I did not, or to be honest, did not WANT to notice the fear in her eyes, the paleness, the awkward silences, the lip biting… and now I really can't see these signs!_

 _Juti does not bite her lips, she isn't pale, she looks directly at me, she removes the false nose, she takes my photograph, she asked me to get rid of the masks! She greets me happily when I return from the streets. Oh… a propos… well, I know I should really take her up to have some fresh air and sunlight. She is underground with me for two months, and as a healthy young girl, she needs fresh air and sunlight, I know. She needs some exercise too – that is why, I guess, she wants to row the boat. And she made up silly little games here in the cellars like running forward as long as I can see her, and she waits until I arrive next to her, or she jumps around on the stairs. I see, she would need to get outside to run and feel the sun freely. I can't keep her as a prisoner, and I promised her she isn't one…_

 _I try to prcastinate it, to tell the truth. I am still not sure if I am just hallucinating her with me, and I am not sure if I take her up, will she just disappear in the upper world, being happy to get rid of this living dead. Just as… Christine…_

 _No. I really really have to take her for a walk. I need to trust her that she won't run away… next lesson: trust her. Trust… her._

 _I nearly started to sing for her the other day after I gave her the earrings from Persia. She was so kind to me, and I wished to "repay" her with my voice… but I am still not comfortable enough. My throat literally closed up, and I just closed my mouth before making a fool of me by producing a weak or foul note. I am not sure if I will ever be able to sing again. That might be a thing my Christine took forever with her? My singing…_


	13. Invisibility pill

**Erik's diary:**

 _13_ _th_ _July, 1881_

 _01:00: Erik's new mask is all done. He had been procrastinating it really. It was about halfway finished at that… scorpion and grasshopper night, and to tell the truth, I did not wish to work on it after she left, but now I have Juti with me and I have to walk on the streets to get our necessities, I am going to need it. I am tired of the weird looks at me and the whispers people do behind my back. I don't wish to be Grim Reaper any more, and maybe take a normal walk in Paris, if it is actually possible. Well… the other reason I don't really want to take her up is the mask. I am still not hundred percent content with it, and I am nervous that it doesn't look that good at daylight. In my house, looking into the mirror, it is good enough, but what other people will say if they see it on me? Does it look too fake when the sun shines at it…? Well, I should find it out. It has to be today though – I would hate to test it in the crowds of 14 July. I know she would love it though – but do forgive me, dear, Erik hates crowded places, especially during Bastille Day. Maybe next year… I promise._

 _It's Wednesday. So was it when I found Juti. Maybe Wednesdays are my lucky days? I hope so._

 _God help me… please._

 _04:00: Took me three goddamned hours to get ready, just as usual. I take ages in the bathroom, usually as well, with bathing, shaving and getting ready for the day, but I have to make sure everything looks fine, especially with this new mask, I am not used to it yet, and I had to adjust the wig to it, and I had to make sure I look good enough in my suit. Hm, glasses really give people an intellectual look. I look like a University Professor, I daresay. Today I wanted to try out something new. I never wore this suit before, yet I liked how it looked – that is why I bought it, but I did not like light cappuccino jacket and pants that much any more with my depression when I planned to wear it, so it just stayed in the closet for ages. I have a pair of white shoes that go well with it. This outfit with a black ribbon tie, is the lightest color combination that I ever wore since I am at the Opera._

 _She is still sound asleep. She went to bed around eleven o clock last night. I have no idea how on Earth she is able to sleep so much. I never slept more than 4 hours, even if I wasn't bothered by nightmares. She sleeps around eight, usually. I have absolutely no idea how can someone waste so much time to laying in bed and just sleeping. No wonder why nothing gets done in time if people sleep so much. She won't wake until seven if I let her in bed, but I'd prefer to walk in the morning when there aren't too many people yet outside. It takes time to get upstairs as well, so it will be around five in the morning anyway at the point I can take her outside. I usually don't do this, but maybe she will forgive me for once._

 **Juti's POV:**

I felt someone gently shaking me in my sleep. I woke up when they started to poke my shoulder with one finger and after I received some light slaps on the face. I yawned and opened my eyes, but what I saw was something I did not expect at all. I was still in the Louis Philippe room, but a totally stranger guy stood next to the bed. I picked up my glasses quickly to see if I saw it right. But I did.

It was a guy I had never seen before.

The one small lamp of the room lit him in an even weirder light, he seemed to be pale and wore light colored clothes. He had glasses and light brown hair. His well – groomed mustache was also light brown and quite thick. From the way he was dressed and the glasses, I assumed him to be some kind of a doctor. Was I sick? Where is Erik? Why is this guy here?

I jumped up in fright and asked:

\- Who are you?

\- Don't you recognize me? – He pointed at himself in disbelief. Only now, by his voice I found out it was not a stranger, but my disguised Erik.

\- The new mask… - I muttered in front of myself, with a relieved sigh.

\- I am happy it turned out to be this misleading. – He chuckled. – I do beg your pardon for scaring you. Well, please get dressed and follow me.

\- What's the time? – I yawned.

\- It is quarter past four, so I ask you to hurry up, please. It takes us about 45 minutes to get in front of the Opera.

\- Where are we going before dawn? – I moaned.

\- Before? – Erik laughed. – I inform you, dear, that it is already the afternoon for me. And we have to go to do some shopping.

\- The shops aren't even open yet. – I yawned again.

\- They will be by the time we get there. But if you rather wish to stay in the cellars…

I really wanted to go outside by now, so I agreed about accompanying Erik for the shopping trip. I was happy to be honest. I got dressed quickly and joined Erik in the drawing room. He took my arm in delight, regarding the little time I needed to get ready, and he took me out of the house. It was strange to watch him in his new attire and mask. I could still sense some fear around him, in fact, he seemed to feel much more uncomfortable than usual. His hands were shaking and he swallowed sometimes as we were walking in front of the house. This new mask caused him much stress and fear, even that much he wasn't able to handle any more as just before we would get into the boat he had to run back to the house. He briefly asked to be excused and hurried back in. Poor guy this stress always goes right to his stomach. I started to think about a solution while walking around the lakeside. If he gets so nervous, he will never be able to leave his home without fear and stomach cramps.

At first I imagined I would ask him to wear the fake nose instead of the new mask, but it would not solve the problem. It is just for gaining some time, no more, no less. He would want and need to wear the new mask eventually anyway, so we needed some solution that solves the problem for good.

And suddenly the idea just hit me. I saw Erik walking out of the house, still clutching his stomach with one hand, and he hurriedly came back to me, apologizing for at least five times in a row.

\- Calm down dear. – I comforted him. – Are you feeling better?

\- Kind of. – He shrugged. – It doesn't matter. – He sighed. – Well… Erik has… stomach problems if he is upset. It will get better.

\- Erik…. I think I could… help you to solve the problem.

\- Really? – He leaned closer. – How?

\- You are afraid people might see you right?

\- Yes. – He sighed.

\- Well, they don't necessarily have to.

\- What are you talking about? – He tilted his head to the side.

\- Erik, you see… the 21st century has some very clever inventions.

\- Yes, like your phone.

\- And even more things. – I leaned closer to his ear and softly told him: - They invented a pill which makes you invisible for two hours.

\- Bullshit. – He barked. – It is impossible.

\- Why do you say that? And Guttenberg would say electricity is impossible I guess.

\- Are you serious…?

\- I am. – I nodded reassuringly.

\- Do you… happen to have that pill?

\- Of course just let me get it from my stuff.

\- Why would you use that pill, eh? – He caught me by the shoulder suspiciously.

\- Erik, I sometimes act like… so what you saw the other day while I listen to music on the street and… well…

\- Oh… I see. – He seemed to understand and believe me and he let me go.

I walked to the Louis Philippe dresser where I kept my stuff and took the small box of orange flavored tic tac which I kept in my pocket. I liked them and I just ate one or two when I needed some sweets. I put two pieces of them on my palm and walked back in front of Erik.

\- Here, take one.

\- Only if you do too.

\- Yes, that is why I brought the other. – I nodded.

He hesitantly picked the orange pill from me and sniffed on it for some seconds.

\- It has orange scent. It is a candy.

\- It is not a candy, it is an invisibility pill. – I corrected him. – It has orange scent and flavor because otherwise it would be bitter. Just like medicins. Like your horrible syrup.

\- Hm… hm… sounds legit, sounds legit, yes it does sound… believable of some sort. Well, take it.

\- You too.

\- You first.

\- You know what, let's take it at once. One… two… three.

He obeyed and I ate the tic tac with him, in the very same time. I was a bit worried if he will believe me, or he can't be fooled. He looked at his hands and scratched his head.

\- I still can see my hands.

\- Of course you can. You are invisible to others, as your body produces anti – light, which makes the optical illusion you can't be seen. But you still can see yourself.

\- But I can see you too.

\- Two invisible people can see each other. Chill. Just look at the others upstairs, they won't see you.

\- If you are fooling me around, I will spank you. – He growled with annoyance, but he slowly helped me into the boat so we will get outside.

It was a bit of much teps to take, but it worth it. I finally stood in front of the Opera in the fresh air. Erik arrived next to me, and he looked rather handsome in his new clothes and mask.

\- Now comes to mind. – I slapped my forehead. – Do you KNOW other colors than black and red?

\- I do. – He laughed out. – Though I dislike them.

\- I think this suit looks great on you. – I said.

\- Thanks. – He turned his head away, and I bet he blushed.

It was strange to see the Opera from the outside. I had spent the last two months between its walls, but it was the first time I had seen it. It was way more beautiful than in pictures. It was breathtaking. I hurriedly took out my phone to take pictures of it, however I knew they will never bring back the real beauty of the building. Erik was looking around a bit nervously, but the people just passed him as if he was normal. He started to believe, I think, that it was because of the pill, but I knew it was merely because of the fact he looked a realistic normal person.

\- Well, now comes to mind… - He tapped my shoulder. – We can't do shopping if others can't see us, for two hours to come.

\- True. – I nodded. – Sorry about…

\- Oh no no no no. Erik is not angry with Juti. Erik is happy. Well, now that we are up, what would Juti say about a little sightseeing, eh? – He smiled.

\- Just what I wanted. – I nodded in agreement with a huge grin. – Where's the Notre Dame?

\- You want to see that first?

\- Of course. – I nodded. – I read the book recently.

\- Are you interested in famous Parisian buildings combined with hideous men's love affairs, eh? – He playfully pulled my ear again and laughed.

I loved that in him, and I was so happy he dared to do it in broad daylight on the streets.

\- It was merely a coincidence, but well, one of them is not even hideous. He happens to be my best friend.

\- Oh… - He looked at me in the eye with a mixture of surprise and delight. – And… he is… happy… and honored to be… your best friend. And so are you his best friend. Forever.

He took my arm and led me with him. Well, it was quite a walk, and Erik playfully remarked I could have chosen something closer at first, but I was actually happy we did go further. People did not care about Erik, and handled us just as another two people walking.

\- It really works. – He whispered in front of himself, nearly inaudibly, but I caught it. – They aren't remarking me…

As he seemed to believe he was invisible, as we heard no remarks regarding his looks, he started to relax, and just walk with me. I think it was the first time ever that Erik openly crossed the streets of Paris, without fear or annoyance. He was even so relaxed and childish that he allowed himself the funny little tricks of jumping up on stairs or sliding down on them. He was like a child who was finally allowed to have fun. He was in a great mood.

Everything was all right, and no one was nervous. Erik showed me the Notre Dame which was renovated just a few years back, in 1878. He was kind as he explained the more important things about the building without using unnecessary architectural language. Any ordinary person could understand. I took a lot of photos of the building, which Erik was fascinated about. Yes, he saw it was possible to take pictures before, but the technique was yet in child shoes. It took 30 minutes in average to take someone's photograph, as he said, until that the person had to stay absolutely still, which always messed up the eyes as blinking was necessary, even if they could stay still, and it was never in color, only black and white. He was amazed that my phone was able to take super detailed and sharp photos in a blink of an eye. I showed him I was able to alter the pictures with added effects, and I was able to take black and white and sepia toned pictures if I wanted, but I preferred colors. This fact did amaze him even more. Many things are much easier, he stated.

After taking a lot of photos and Erik told me everything I have to know about the Notre Dame, something caught my mind. Looking at the beautiful church, I got curious about something. Erik wanted to have his wedding in the Madeleine, yet, according to my knowledge I received now, this one was just fine by then. Why not here? What is it with the Madeleine? It would be too rude to ask, but what if he can read my mind again? I looked at him cautiously, but he seemed to be lost in his thoughts, and seemingly did not notice my thinking. He turned to me only with a hint of interest and leaned closer as he noticed I was examining him.

\- What is it, hm?

\- Well… I was just wondering.

\- About what?

\- I… well it is not the kindest thing to ask, so…

\- Are you curious about why I did not wish to get married in the Notre Dame, right?

\- How did you know?

\- Logic. The connection between Erik and the churches is most certainly the matter of a wedding, especially when you don't dare to ask, fearing, maybe that I throw you into the Seine or something.

\- And will you? – I asked.

\- But of course. – He moaned. – Being the monster I am, I most certainly will. I hit you to death every day, sure. – He added with sarcasm.

\- Sorry. – I did not mean it that way. I just don't want to cause you pain with questions like this. And I am not afraid you would hurt me… really not.

\- Oh… not? – He leaned closer, putting his hand on my shoulder.

\- Not at all. I am sorry I gave you that impression.

\- It is… all right. And well, to answer your question: it has more reasons. Firstly, the most simple and banal reason is that the Madeleine is much closer to the Opera. Why to fuss with coming all here when there is a church right next to where I live? Secondly… I… I am not really fond of the thought of getting married in this church where another creature like me was kept, just like me at the Opera. It would symbolize that there is no escape for a thing like me, whatever I do. The ugliness just lies beneath the surface and all actions I do. Do you think I LIKE to live under the Opera?

\- I don't think so. – I admitted.

\- Because I don't. – He said. – I would rather be a normal citizen with a normal house.

\- But I like it there. – I smiled, hoping to make him feel better.

\- It is new to you and your little childish fantasy finds it interesting. After years there I bet you would not find it that pleasant either. But you know what is strange…?

\- What?

\- I am in such a good mood actually that not even thinking about my fate and the past… did ruin my mood. I feel something that I did not feel before. Not ever. I am so… relaxed. And peaceful. I am not sure it is because the new mask or your presence.

\- Or the fact you are invisible. – I smiled.

\- Oh stop the comedy already. – Erik waved in the air and hugged my shoulder. – Did you really think that I believed your silliness for a second?

\- Did you not…?

\- Of course not. Erik is not stupid.

\- But if my phone can be real, and don't forget I time travelled here somehow as well, so that is possible too, why can't an invisibility pill be?

\- Simple. If it was real, you would not have waited patiently until Erik finises his new disguise, but would have announced me this possibility earlier, when Erik only had the false nose. This new mask has nothing to be ashamed of, does it? And yet you only tell me now. You wuld not have wanted me to go on the streets like that, in that laughable false nose with the skull head, as you knew people called me names. You would have saved me from that if you could. But you could NOT.

\- It isn't easy to fool you. But you seemed to believe…

\- I played your game. I know you wished to comfort me, and that touched my heart. I decided, instead of just staying in the cellars, I give the new mask a chance and we see what happens- and the fact you were trying to help me with your idea just made me sure I made the right decision. Without you, I am sure I would not have done it. Thank you for helping. - He stroke my chin with his hand, and patted my head.

\- That is what friends are for. Helping each other. – I patted his bony back.

He was so touched about this that he was in an even better mood during the rest of the day. Erik did not really want to believe that someone would want to help him with his insecurities, and now, as he found the proof that I was right there, he became so grateful that I could see, for some minutes he really fough back his tears.

It wasn't only him enchanted by the other's time period – the 1880s really enchanted me too. It seemed to be much slower than in my century. People weren't running so fast, they seemed to just enjoy the day. The sun was shining, and I could not imagine before, only looking at the pictures of older times in my time, how on Earth people, especially men weren't overheated in these full set of clothes : shirt, waistcoat, tie and jacket even in the summer. I wanted to ask Erik about it before, but he simply did not understand the question. He did not know the sensation of someone being too hot. He had to sit near the fire in winters, he even wore lighter gloves in the early autumn, as he said. I thought it was only because he wanted to cover his skeletal hands, but he informed me it wasn't usually the case: he was cold. Nearly all the time. If he had fever, he had the shivers rather feeling hot in his body, so he did not know what I was talking about. I was afraid in advance that I will sweat like a horse, as I was easily overheated, but I had to meet another surprise: global warming was indeed real. In this day in 1881 the temperature made it possible for me not to feel hot in the attire I wore. Sure, the sun was shining brightly, but it was rather warmly caressing than burning my skin.

Even though there was no Eiffel Tower yet, Paris was a nice city without the emblematic building too. The noisy and fast cars were replaced by not much quieter, but much slower carriages. I always liked horses a lot, just had no opportunity to be close to one, save for the time when I was put on a huge horse's back when I was 3 years old, but understandably, that very old memory did not give too much idea to me. I only remember it because of the pictures that were taken there. I could not really see the logic in the way where carriages were allowed to go. Seemingly they were just as easily riding on the pavement as on the road. The moral of transportation seemed to be a bit chaotic, to be honest. Erik noticed my inability to get the hang of it, so to be safe, he took my hand again to lead me. It was already past dawn, and there were much people and coaches everywhere.

We really did some shopping and he even asked me about my favorite fruits, and he bought me peach and plum. He was so caring and kind just because I helped him a bit. Was it really such a big deal? Might be Errik was really unfamiliar with this feeling that someone wanted to make him feel comfortable? How can someone survive such a life?

As he got a bit of tired, but would not admit it for Hell's sake either, I started nagging him about I wanted to go by carriage. It was partly true, I never sat in such a thing, and being in the 19th century, I absolutely wanted to try it. Erik, seemingly only for my sake, agreed to it, yet I knew he needed it more than I did, being young and absolutely able to walk long distances.

It was really like time had stopped as I relaxed on the seat. Erik climbed in to sit in front of me, so he could see my face while talking. I looked out of the window mostly, so poor he did not receive much eye contact. It was good, but also strange to be here. Erik was totally used to these circumstances, but for me all of it was new and unique. I remarked that in our century, electric lights are so common that candles are only used for special holidays like Christmas, or are just put on your Birthday cake, that is all. Carriage rides like this, are special touristic sights, sold for a LOT of money, and are super rarely found. Yet nearly everyone has a phone in their pocket, and they are looking at it nearly all the time, not even paying attention to walking on the streets, so they cross the road while being online.

\- Incidents like these do happen without a device like this as well. – Erik shrugged. – I once was nearly ran over by a carriage when I was composing in my mind and did not pay attention. And once when I was reading.

\- Why do you read while walking?

\- I bought a book I was excited about and could not wait until I arrived home, so I started the first chapters on the way.

\- You little impatient… - I laughed.

\- It happens. Waiting is not my forte. – He admitted with a shrug. – But do tell me about the future, if you may: what will happen in the 20th century for example?

\- Are you sure you want to know?

\- Yes, interested in new things.

\- Well, at first, many things will be invented compared to now, and art will cange a lot. Not only music, everything. I believe though, that 20th century architecture would not be your favorite: the flat I live in, is, for example just a huge box. Everything will be much less decorated, simpler. Moving pictures with sound will be invented and they will be called films or movies. That will be just another way of art. Many books will be made a movie of, with some or much artistic liberties taken to the plot. And well, the 20th century sadly was kind of a dark one, save for the inventions and progress, with two World Wars and a huge economy crisis.

\- World Wars?

\- Yes, wars that will include literally the whole world.

\- Why?

\- Well, the deep reason is always money. Included in some ideologies. I will tell you more if you are interested, but I warn you there are NASTY things. Especially about the second one.

\- Oh, no thanks. – He waved. – Enough for today. Yet I would like to see your century just once. I bet it is full of potentials you smply can't do here. If only just a small machine like yours, is capable of such things… What ELSE could happen?

He seemed to be so excited. The good old man was a man of science and he loved possibilities of productiveness. I bet if he was sat in front of a computer he would not stand up from there for days, save for bathroom breaks, and that as well, only if he really – really needed to go. I smiled about the mental image of Erik hogging my laptop, and I leaned closer to him and petted his hair.

\- Why did you pet me? – He asked with a bit of confusion.

\- Because I love you. – I stated simply.

\- I… I.. so do I. – He stuttered.

We arrived to the Opera, and Erik helped me out of the brougham. He asked if it was to my liking, to which I nodded excitedly. It was a beautiful day for us, finally being outside, the sun caressed us warmly and a nice wind was blowing at us, lightly.

\- Will we come up again, Erik… soon?

\- Yes, definitely. I can't keep you underground. I am… glad you did not run away.

\- Why would I run away from you? – I asked.

\- Why would you… not?

\- I told you: because I love you.

Without an answer, he took my hand to lead me inside and to walk back to the house by the lake. This magical day, the walk together made us refreshed and in a good mood. I was proud of Erik, that he was able to walk among the others without fear, and he looked at me for a second, all serious for one moment, before entering the boat.

\- Erik would like to thank you… for the walk. He never had such a walk in his life.

\- Oh Erik… it is nothing. – I smiled.

\- Again the nothing. – He murmured in front of himself. – This nothing is everything to me. The things you take for granted… hugs… kisses… just walking with someone, talking to someone… are the biggest gifts for me. Dear you make my life complete.

Suddenly, in the middle of our little intimate silence, I heard some strange noise. It sounded like footsteps.

\- Erik… - I wanted to alert him, but he already stood up straight to his full height, listening as a guard dog.

\- Hush. – He silenced me.

\- Erik, please don't hurt them… - I whispered.

Without a reply, he went to investigate the newcomer and I just lay down in the boat to hide as much as possible. I just hoped the newcomer won't hurt Erik and me and… that they will leave in one piece… I just lay there, trying to peek out of the boat, and listen if I was needed. I was willing to help Erik, but I was quite sure he will be fine without my help as well… too much fine. Maybe I should rather help the stranget to be able to flee from Erik until they can.

I slowly crawled out. It was strange I could hear no scrummage, but it can be a bad sign as well… maybe the thing is no more alive?

\- Erik, did you kill them…? – I tried to run closer to where I saw him disappear, but I heard nothing still. – Erik…?

\- Go back to the boat. – I heard his voice in my right ear, but it was just thrown there with the ventriloquist trick. He was somewhere else, but I am sure he could see me.

\- What happened? – I asked with worry.

\- Nothing much. – He informed me, stepping out of the wall next to me suddenly.

\- Erik, come back! – I heard an unfamiliar male voice.

\- Does he know you? – I had a jawdrop. – Wait wait… the Daroga… is he?

\- Yes. – He moaned. – I have to talk to him, please be patient.

\- Erik… - the wall opened again and the Persian stepped next to us.

\- Hello Daroga! – I greeted him happily.

The Persian took a step back in surprise of I recognized him. Erik tried to push him back , but the Daroga seemed to be in a great physical condition.

\- Monster, what are you doing yet again? Wasn't Christine Daaé enough?

\- Don't dare to mention her! – Erik suddenly turned very angry.

He wanted to slap the Persian very hard, but I simply could not bear to see them fight, so I wished to make them stop. I jumped forward to grab Erik's arm, and slowly calm him down, so we will be able to discuss the issue calmly…

In a blink of an eye, I received such a slap that the wall gave the other, and I knocked out.


	14. Another Chance for the Evil

**Juti's POV:**

I woke up to the sensation of something ice cold thing touching my forehead and right eye. I opened my left to see what was happening. I was placed at the drawing room's couch and my glasses were removed. Erik put some ice on my face, and was examining me worriedly.

\- Now look what you've done! – An accusing voice broke the silence. – You hit her!

\- It was meant for your Persian butt head. – Erik growled, while turning back to the Daroga.

\- Ewik naah… - I tried my best to speak, but the ice made it kind of hard.

\- Do not speak. –He ordered. – You are very silly one, why did you have to jump between us?

\- To ftop ya fwom huwting the Dawoga. – I explained.

\- The Daroga should not follow me all the time, I just wanted to give him one slap which served him right. Now is it better that your face is going to be swollen and you will have a black eye for days, eh?

\- Stop blaming her it is your fault.

\- Shut up. – Erik growled again then he removed the ice, looking at me.

\- Why did you kidnap this poor girl?

\- He did not kidnap me. – I said. – He saved me.

\- He should save you from himself the most. – The Persian went on.

I turned my head in his direction. He walked closer and I could only see he wore some kind of hat and had a nice beard. He leaned closer and examined me too, and as he was only centimeters from my face I saw most of his features. He seemed to be a kind man, a bit of too curious, to his own misfortune. This man was nearly drowned in the torture chamber some months back, and he was clearly afraid of Erik, as when my Phantom moved, the Daroga nervously took a step back, and still, he came here to see what was happening between Erik and me, and he wished to save me if it was needed.

\- Daroga, it is time for you to leave. – Erik stated as he looked at his pocket watch, really checking the time. – Soon it will be dark outside… and very dangerous things happen in the dark.

Erik's tone made me a bit of unsettled, it sounded so threateningly deep and ominous.

\- Erik, don't hurt him, please I beg you not to. – I sat up, but he pressed his hand against my chest, forcing me back in a laying position.

\- Don't move. – It was also scary how his voice changed from ominous to sweet and caring in a split second. He changed emotions quicker than Liszt in a Rhapsody.

\- Promise me you won't hurt the Persian, please.

\- I won't. – He nodded.

\- Don't believe him, he is manipulative.

\- Shut up, and go to Hell Daroga.

\- Not until I find out the truth! What is happening here? Should you not be dead? Mademoiselle, why… does he keep you here… in male clothing?

\- Firstly, male clothing was my special request, as I am used to wearing pants. Well, Daroga… so you won't really believe, but I am here because of a coincidence. I time travelled back here from the future, and…

\- Oh Allah, she hit her head very badly.

\- No, it is the truth… yet I knew it will be hard to believe, but I have proof. More of them.

I asked Erik to carry here my phone, my ID card and the money I kept on top of the dresser in my room. He nodded and returned with the items. I handed them to the Persian, explaining.

\- The brown piece of paper is money. It has no value here, but in my time and in my country we use it for paying. And that small booklet, if you open it, contains my identity card with my name and date of Birth. As you can see, I was born in 1989, so 108 years from now.

The Daroga was examining the card which was made of plastic, and I am sure he wasn't able to identify the material. He was turning it between his fingers for a time, then looked at me to compare the photo with my face. As he found them identical, he nodded and cleared his throat in surprise for some times.

\- You are telling the truth… and what is that box for?

\- It is her phone and it is really fun to mess with. But I suggest you not give it to his clumsy hands as you can say bye-bye to the glass on it. He is clumsy and an idiot, really.

\- Erik! – I shook my head in dismay. – Don't talk to the Persian this way. Ask for his forgiveness.

\- I won't.

\- Then you will disappoint me. I thought you were a sweetheart. Don't make me lose faith in your goodness.

\- In his WHAT? – The Daroga asked in disbelief.

\- Oh… - Erik blinked in astonishment, then he turned to the other man and brokenly muttered: - My apologies, Daroga, for what I said.

\- What? – The Persian had a jawdrop.

\- I said I was sorry. – Erik repeated with a sigh.

\- You… never apologized to me before… not even for nearly murdering me. Can it be you… did not kidnap her?

\- No, he saved me and cured my illness. I had pneumonia and my head was wounded. And my ankle got dislocated after I arrived here. I woke up in these cellars and Erik took care of me.

\- When was this?

\- The day I visited you. On May, the 11th.

\- So that is why you disappeared.

\- Disappeared? I must laugh. I was going on and about just fine, and you did not notice me, yet I looked the same as before. Now that I disguise myself, you find me right away.

\- I recognized your voice. – He admitted. – And I found out you had company… Mademoiselle, how can you… tame him so much?

\- Easy. I love him.

Erik went on his knees next to the couch to these words and took my hand, pressing it against his chest. I could feel his heart pounding and he taking so short breaths. I realized it was the first time I admitted I loved him in front of someone else, and he got surprised I did not feel ashamed of it.

\- Do you? – The Persian asked with disbelief.

\- I do. – I nodded.

\- I have to ask about something. – He scratched his head as he took a seat at the armchair across the small table. – Why did you want to get here? Or was it a… mistake?

\- No. I wanted to see Erik. – I slowly patted his back as I heard he was silently crying.

\- How do you know of Erik… and me?

\- I read a book about Erik.

\- Book?

\- Yes, you narrated the last chapters.

\- Did he? – Erik lifted his head up suddenly. – Filthy traitor.

\- Erik, don't say that. In a way I can thank him for knowing you.

\- But why did ou want to… meet him? Did I not tell about his past in the book?

\- You did. – I replied softly.

\- And you wished to meet a monster? – He gasped.

Erik cringed with pain, so I chose to give him some affection before replying the Daroga. I stroke his hair and asked his permission to remove the human mask. He softly agreed with the condition only I was allowed to look at him, and he stays with his back to the Daroga. I nodded and removed his mask to kiss his face.

\- Allah above… - The other man whispered in disbelief.

\- You are not a monster. – I stated, looking into Erik's eyes deeply. – You are not.

\- I would like to know… how much do you know about Erik's past in Persia? – The Daroga continued. – I am sure if you knew… you would say he is a monster.

\- Daroga… - I started softly. – I have to tell you that I know a bit of it. I know about the Torture Chamber and that he was an Assassin. I know he committed murders, but… I am sure he wasn't the most evil person ever. I am not saying what he committed is… good. No, not at all. I am not saying either that the hatred surrounding him in all his life excuses his actions. It just explains them. You know a lot more about him, and I am sure you have the reason calling him a monster. I would call him so if he tried to kill me they way he did with you. But… you see I have read about very evil people in my history book. I think they did much worse things than Erik. For example… did he burn a whole city down for his own amusement?

\- No. – The Daroga replied shortly.

\- Did he separate and torture and finally kill people because of their religion?

\- No. – The Daroga replied again.

\- Did he murder thousands or millions of people?

\- I don't think it is about numbers. Murder is murder. That ONE person had just that ONE life. – The Daroga's tone changed to be a bit of more passionate. – But if you wish to know, he did murder a few hundreds.

\- Actively?

\- Not always. – He sighed. – But it was because of HIS invention.

\- Oh come on, Daroga. – I snorted. – With this logic, if one designs something that is CAPABLE of killing people, but can be used for other things as well, will all the deaths occurring by that object becomes the inventor's fault?

\- What do you mean?

\- Let's say whoever invented the knife is a murderer of millions because many people get stabbed. But knives are for mainly cutting things.

\- Your logic is flawed. – The Persian shook his head firmly, pointing at Erik. – He knew exactly what the Torture Chamber does and it was used for bad things. He knew it. He did it on purpose.

\- The Torture Chamber's idea is used also in theme parks. It can be used for good as well. It wasn't him who wanted to design it in the first place, was he? If I am right, he was commissioned to do so.

\- He was. – The Daroga sighed again.

\- So the True Evil isn't him, he is only the implementer of the idea. The evil person is the commissioner who knew what the device was going to do. Am I right if I say it was your… government?

\- Touché. – Erik grinned.

\- Stop it Erik, you are guilty too. I only informed you two that you are not the only one guilty here, and not the worst of the group. If I am right, he might have been sentenced to death if he refuses to design and build the Torture Chamber?

\- True, yet I did not care about my life being taken, it wasn't my reason to obey. – Erik said, with surprisingly much honesty.

\- Well, to sum it up, I know it does not excuse his actions that there were people who did worse things, but I can't help, but say he deserves a chance to be loved. He was begging for love and acceptance, and I am willing to gve him that, until the very point he turns violent against me. It did not happen so far. Not even when I removed his mask for the first time.

I closed my eyes after the speech, waiting for reaction from any of the men. Erik crawled closer and put his head on my lap while I patted his shoulder. The Persian cleared his throat a few times, then he stood up.

\- I understand your logic and accept your reasoning. You are a kind and naïve girl who thinks everyone is good and deserves chances… even Erik. I am not saying I agree though. But if it is what you want, I give him another chance as well, and won't do steps in telling everything to the press… IF he acts what we agreed in. I would accept this one happening as an accident as he really did not intend to hurt you this time. But I am going to keep an eye on him, and if you, Mademoiselle, suffer another hit by his skeletal hands, then I am going to assume there is no help for him, and he deserves nothing but contempt. I only do this for the sake of you, not him. But… as I see you seem to be safe now, I leave.

\- Don't worry, Daroga. Erik is another person now.

\- I would like to believe so. Well, don't bother to lead me out, Erik, I am fine finding the way. Good evening, Mademoiselle, Au revoir Erik.

Erik did not reply to any of the talking any more. He was just kneeling in front of me, while I comfortingly patted his shoulder and back. He was silently weeping and he squeezed my wrist in his cold hands to make sure I wasn't going to leave him. I leaned closer to the top of his head and laced a soft kiss on it.

He looked up with a hopeful expression, and opened his malformed mouth for some times, just as he was trying to say something and he was shaking from head to foot. Yet he came closer, put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me close to himself and hugged me tight, rocking back and forth. As I stroke his ear with my thumb, he took a very deep breath, and suddenly I heard a soft humming. He never hummed to me before. I smiled as I heard his voice, and this made him even braver as he looked into my eyes and touched my cheek. With another deep breath, he started singing, now with lyrics, and not only random notes like before, but an existing Beethoven song:

Ich liebe dich so wie du mich,

Am Abend und am Morgen.

Noch war kein Tag, wo du und ich

Nicht teilten unsre Sorgen.

Auch waren sie für dich und mich

Geteilt leicht zu ertragen.

Du tröstetest im Kummer mich,

Ich weint' in deine Klagen.

Drum Gottes Segen über dir,

Du meines Lebens Freude.

Gott schütze dich, erhalt' dich mir,

Schütz' und erhalt' uns beide.

His voice was truly much more beautiful in singing than in speech, yet his speaking voice was already enchanting enough. But I wasn't able to imagine such a sound, not in my sweetest dreams. It caressed my ears and soul, and the passion he performed it with made me sure he meant every single note and syllable of the song. As he finished, I hugged him tight and he kissed my hand with a relieved sigh.

 **Erik's Diary**

 **13** **th** **July, 1881**

 _I simply can't believe the happenings that took place today._

 _Firstly, the whole day which passed so peacefully, I finally felt like a normal person. I was able to walk with her, and nothing bad happened. No tragedies, no screams, no horror! Just a peaceful day I spent with Juti. I took her for carriage ride, and she loved it. She was so happy and each of her smiles made my heart beat faster, and I began to feel thankful for her precious being._

 _But the most touching thing which made me lose my mind was her forgiving and kind heart that forgave me even the sin of accidentally punching her in the face. Oh how I loathe myself for doing it, even if it wasn't her I wished to hit. And yet, she isn't angry! On the contrary. She explained the Persian that she… she… loved me. She did not feel shame of my presence and having to admit she had feelings for me. She kissed me in front of the Daroga! She did! She KISSED me, and she wasn't disgusted that the other man saw it. She OPENLY kissed me. And… she said she loves me until I hurt her. She even made the nosy man leave! Oh how could I hurt such an angel? She is really so naïve and sweet… she does not imagine I could do terrible sins, with her heart, she simply can't see someone would do things of such nature. Oh did I deserve her?_

 _It surprised me that after such a happiness I just survived, and the act of pure love and acceptance she showed me, I did not have any more trouble with singing. I started humming to her unintentionally, then confessed love with the Beethoven Liebeslied. Oh how she smiled upon hearing my voice… how she smiled!_

 _I love her._

 _I really do._

 ** _Thank you for your reads and reviews! They mean a lot to me. Here are the English lyrics of the song I included in German:_**

I love you as you love me,

in the evening and the morning,  
nor was there a day when you and I  
did not share our troubles.

And when we shared them  
they became easier to bear;  
you comforted me in my distress,  
and I wept in your laments.

Therefore, may God's blessing be upon you,  
You, my life's joy.  
God protect you, keep you for me,  
and protect and keep us both

If you are interested, search it on youtube - it is a beautiful song.


	15. Dominance Fights

**Juti's POV:**

Since Erik was able to sing again, our friendship raised to another level. Yes, it was still a friendship, clearly. We had mutual platonic feelings for each other, but we did not want anything of each other involving more than friendly hugs and kisses. We walked in the lakeside or in the Park hand in hand, but it was just because Erik loved to finally have someone to touch. He did not mean it as courting, he explained. To be honest, I did not mind either way. If Erik wanted more, I would have accepted that too, but friendship was fine with me as well.

We spent time mostly together, playing music. Erik started to teach me to the basics of violin as he noticed I was interested, the singing lessons continued, where I got better and better within the weeks passing, and now I was so happy he did sing as well. We sang duets or played duos on different instruments together, I liked the most if I played the piano and he was playing the violin. And I loved to listen when Erik played the organ. Once he surprised me with The Overture of Phantom of the Opera on organ and I clapped so hard that my palms got red and in pain. He smiled upon seeing how happy he made me with his gesture, and that was when something came to my mind.

\- Erik… now could I ask you to sing…?

\- Music of the Night? – He inquired.

\- Yes. Would you?

\- I try. Wait, I have to recall it.

He only heard it that one time, weeks before. I offered him I play it again, but he respectfully declined. He stated he still remembered. After thinking for some moments while walking to the piano in the dining room, and sitting down to it, he started the song. I had a jawdrop as Erik really remembered. He knew both the lyrics and the melody right, and his powerful operatic voice sounded so much relaxing as he performed the Phantom's love song. He accompanied himself on the piano, and I had to realize in amazement that he did not have any mistakes in accompaniment either.

\- Well, did I do it like Monsieur Crawford? – He turned back curiously after finishing.

\- Well… no. – I replied.

\- No? Nooo? – He stood up with a bit of irritation. – You said I did not reach that level, eh?

\- I say you did much better. – I smiled and walked closer to him to hug his neck. – You are the most wonderful musician of all time.

\- Oh. – He blushed and smiled at me in embarrassment. – I am sorry for… misunderstanding…

I was surprised how he takes everything as an insult sometimes and how he gets penitent over misunderstanding me about them. He always apologized for being hurt over something I did not mean as an insult, and slowly and steady he learned I would not call him names. His trust was not easily gained, indeed.

The summer flew away, nearly unnoticed, as we were getting closer and closer friends. September arrived, with chillier weather, and here I met Erik's another personality trait which partly annoyed, partly amused me at first, but after a while, it rather annoyed me and it caused fights between us. As Erik was mostly cold, he imagined so was everyone else, so his overprotective bossy tyrant father figure mode got switched in, caring nothing about the way I wished things to be. It was the first time when he got the "I know it better and your opinion does not matter" attitude. He simply started to tell me what to wear. He decided it was cold outside and I had to wear a jacket with a warmer kind of lining. Firstly I tried to explain him I wasn't cold, and at the age of already 28, I was totally able to decide if I should wear warmer clothing or not. He did not like this fact. He at first nicely explained that he was only worrying about my well - being, and he did not wish me to catch a cold, so he wanted to protect me from danger, as a cold is not helping my already improving singing. I thanked him for his caretaking, but I explained him I mostly did not feel cold, and in lighter winters I wore only a wind jacket as I really did not need anything warmer. Well, it wasn't a good idea. He simply refused to rtake me out if I did not put on the exact piece of clothing he chose for me from my wardrobe, and would accuse me of being ungrateful and stubborn. Well, I don't know who was more stubborn from between us, but I decided I will not take anything from him, really. It wasn't about that coat, but the fact that I did not wish to depend on his will. If he sees I obey him without a second thought, he might later tell me what to do in other issues as well, and even though I mostly liked to receive advice and his advices weren't bad for me usually, but I did not want to turn out to be a puppet he moves with will. I had my oown personality and wished to keep it. I simply wasn't going to melt in that damned jacket outside and bathe in my own sweat just because Erik decided it will be that way. A hard lesson started: Erik had to accept my decisions regarding myself.

Oh how I nearly gave it up, many- many times, only God knows. Erik wasn't an easy opponent, of course, he had a strong will which he wanted to force on me with different strategies. At first, he was just nagging me, but I was good at talking back, and explaining it a million times over and over, so it did not work. Secondly, there came the emotional blackmailing about I sure wanted to die (?) as I did not like to be with him, and wished to get another case of illness which will most likely end me, so I don't have to stay with him. Oh God. He had far fetched ideas. I can't believe it was all about a goddamned jacket. I tried to comfort him and prove him that I loved him. I was praising him, I told him a billion times I did not wish to leave him, but in the end, he locked me up in the house as I stepped by his side in my lighter jacket. He literally pushed me back and slammed the door in front of me and he even locked all of the locks.

It was enough. At that point I got fed up.

When he returned, I chose the option which was the easiest and hardest for me. I gave him an ultimate. Once again I told him the whole issue, which had caused him another fit of rage and he told me in a sudden outrage:

\- You love me not, you liar!

This fact made me sure I was about to do the right thing, so I looked him coldly in the eye and I told him, all composed, only with my hand shaking a bit.

\- If you are able to accuse me with such a thing, it is YOU who don't love me. Erik, until you apologize and accept I am a free spirit you can't just rule over, I am not talking to you.

\- Oh ho! – He pointed at me accusingly. – Do you think Christine did not try this? That is all you women can do, eh? Well, Erik's voice is important to you! Not the other way around! I was fine without someone talking to me before! I don't need your voice! YOU need MINE! But you are not getting it until you start to respect my will.

He stormed out of the room, leaving me there alone.

The next week was like a nightmare, I think, for both of us. I really missed Erik's voice and affection. I needed someone to love me, yet Erik, being hurt, became all distant again. He did not let me touch him at all, yet I did not wish to get so distant from him. I am sure it was for making the punishment even harder for me, and making me lose the battle against him, as I nearly threw the towel in. But surprisingly the thought of me being right gave me strength emotionally. Then, instead of the coldness he came with tears. Oh just what he did to Christine. He cried for hours, hoping that I will walk to him, comfort him and apologize, and accept his rules, but even it was hard, I decided if I got this far, I am not going back. I talked to him in my mind, looking at his photo I took, but not a loud word left my lips. I was praying he would finally give up and we could move on… but we did not.

After that week, things got even more complicated. He was trying to make me lose the battle by cheating. He wanted to provoke me to speak with various methods, for example, as he was able to handle my phone just fine, he set the alarm at 3:30 in the morning, with the William Tell overture as a ringtone, which gave me a mini heart attack as I startled up from deep sleep. I did fine by not yelling his name, but I accepted it as a war between us. Both of us were childish in a way, so we started provoking each other with silly, more or less nasty tricks. He would most likely scare me by dropping things near me without seemingly touching anything, but after a while it really got predictable, so he switched to practice the violin next to me, intentionally playing bad, hoping I will lose my patience and send him to warmer place, literally trying to go on my nerves. In return, I simply cut air off from his organ while he was composing so he had to get up and switch it back, and I put salt in sugar bowl to trick him. It backfired as I forgot he uses as little sugar as possible and he never puts it in his coffee, but I forgot about it later and had salt in my coco. DAMN. At first, this war amused me as I liked to come up with ideas to play tricks on him, but as most of my tricks were either found out early or backfired thanks to him, and he returned the loan always with a bit more evil thing, for example by putting a rat on my pillow, or such, it started to become less funny and more annoying. I think he felt the same, as he did not really smirk any more, not even when his traps worked. We were getting tired of playing the booby traps of Home Alone against each other. I have to admit Kevin McCallister had to be a relative of Erik.

Another day passed, in silence but without any mean things from each side. Erik seemed to look like more broken than angry, hurt or mean, like before. I wasn't in the best mood either, so I was just sitting in front of the piano, taking a deep sigh. I was about to give up. I missed Erik, the Erik I loved and we were great friends with. If only he would not be so damned stubborn, and he came to me, apologizing… but a thing says he won't. I started questioning if the whole thing had worth it. Most likely not. I stood up and walked in his room. He was sitting in his armchair, reading something. As I stood in front of him, he looked at me and stood up. Without a word, he hugged me close to himself, and leaned his head on my shoulder. He softly murmured "I am sorry" before falling on his knees in front of me.

It took some time until we apologized for everything to each other, crying together, promising we will never ever fight again. Erik accepted my terms about not trying to force his will on me, not even if he thinks it is best for me, and we promised we would never do tricks against each other. Erik also apologized for the emotional blackmailing, claiming he did not do it intentionally. I believed him. We both had to admit that both of us had strong will – which was something I did not think about myself.

And do you know to hear the irony of the story?

Just when we finished fighting and Erik would have allowed me to walk around in the lighter jacket, it was already early October – with a badly rainy and cold weather. Yes. It was really cold outside.


	16. Matters of the Heart

After the dominance fight, Erik became noticeably kinder to me again. It was another step in our relationship. He admitted softly that he respected me for being emotionally so strong, and I taught him yet another lesson. He admitted that he thought before that protecting someone really did mean he had to control the loved one's actions, so that the person won't do silly things which will hurt them in the end – and he absolutely wanted to save me from everything- yet he had to realize I did not need it and could function just fine. He started to realize people weren't only his chess figures he had to control to win the game, and that he needed to make compromises and let the loved one decide for herself – if she decides wrong, it is their problem and responsibility, not his. It was hard to accept for him, but he finally did. He gave me full authority on my action and life, showing his trust.

Some caretaking was needed though, on both sides, in which we asked for each other's help.

His insomnia and lack of sleep was hard to cure, and he would chose not to sleep for days, which fact alarmed me a lot. I begged him to go to sleep every night, as I simply could not believe he wasn't tired. He admitted he was, but he hated to sleep for more reasons, mostly for his nightmares. Finally we made up a compromise. He adopted a new daily routine, which was like he went to bed around 2 o clock, so I could wake him up after 6, when I got up. I made a compromise and got up an hour earlier than before to be able to do that. I got the task to wake him up every day, making sure he won't oversleep. He asked me to wake him up after 4 or maximum 5 hours of sleeping always, and never to let him in bed more, however he asks me to leave him alone. I wasn't sure why did he ask that, but I always fulfilled his requests. He later explained that he simply found sleeping a waste of time and he did not wish to spend "the whole day" in bed. God he was a heavy sleeper. It wasn't an easy job to get some soul into him.

Our mornings looked like usually this in October 1881:

6:00 : I got up and took care of my personal hygene and used the bathroom.

6:20: First attempt to wake Erik up. It was a long fight. Usually I started by just walking in his bedroom, turning the gas lamp on and calling his name a few times. It worked nothing, so I had to go close to the coffin, which was a bit of scary. I still did not like the fact he slept in a coffin and decided I will do something about that as well. I called him a few more times again, but he mostly did not answer so I had to shake him. Shaking resulted in him at least turning in the coffin to face me. After some more poking he opened his eyes, and yawned in my face. I always had to chuckle at it, as he did not mean it, but he was simply too tired and in a deep sleep. He moaned some words I could never understand, and closed his eyes again, usually he needed some light tossing to open them again. I then started talking to him about random things, it was nearly unimportant what it was, as he hardly heard or understood it, it was mainly good for dragging his cloudy mind into reality while he slowly sat up and tried to compose himself. I had to make sure he climbs out of the coffin, as if he did not, he simply laid back down, and continued to sleep, for which act I later got scolding for "letting him waste another day" when he showed up.

6:55 – 7:05: It depended on when Erik got out of his bed, but usually at this time I left the bedroom to go to the kitchen to make coffee for him until he used the bathroom and tried to get ready for the day. Usually he was sitting around in his room by the time I arrived back with his coffee, in his sleepwear still, trying not to fall back asleep. Sometimes I needed to shake him a few times before handing him his morning drink (hot, unsweetened, without milk, strong), and left him to himself after the first sip, knowing he will be all right from now on.

7:15: I got fully dressed, leaving Erik to take a bath and get dressed too. It took long for him, but at least he was awake. While he was preparing, I made breakfast for us, making Erik's job easier.

Somewhere between 8:20-8:55: Erik was done getting dressed and complained about he got up too late again, as it is nearly nine o clock and he just got himself together. He would swear he will never sleep again because it gets so much time off of his life.

So, it took a long time for poor Erik to get and wake up fully, but I did not mind his "wasting of time" at all. We did not hurry anywhere really and I was so happy he finally got closer to a normal lifestyle for him, however he disliked it at first, he also had to admit his headaches and dizziness lessened and he was always well rested. He did not feel so stressed out either for no obvious reason, so he had to realize his grumpiness was most likely due to his lack of sleep many times before.

\- Also, there is something else I would like you to consider. – I said.

\- Eating more? – He asked. – No thanks, Erik is really not hungry usually. He is fine.

\- No, I meant something else. You will eat when you are hungry I don't pester you about that.

\- Then what? – His eyes got wider from suspicion.

\- Get rid of the coffin. – I stated simply.

\- Oh ho! Then in what should I sleep? You start to get me to sleep only to take my bed now?

\- Erik, it is NOT a bed.

\- It is, in a way. – He chuckled. – People sleep in coffins. Forever.

\- Stop it, dear I got it. But… well how to explain…? It is not the way you should sleep.

\- Why? Reason it.

\- Because if you are alive you shall not sleep in a coffin, it is only for the dead.

\- And what does Erik look like, eh?

\- Exactly that is the problem. – I nodded. – It is about your looks again. You link negative thoughts to your looks and reason them by accepting your fate. Do you remember what you said to me about the Notre Dame? "There is no escape with my looks, whatever I do." You just accept this by sleeping in a coffin, accepting yourself as a living dead, while you are a human being. Erik, you should not bury yourself in endless negativity. It is part of your self – loathing which needs to be stopped in order to feel even better.

\- Sounds reasonable. – He scratched his head. – Hm… I am going to think this through. But… well, getting a new bed… will require some time. And I am not even sure I wish to stay in this house for too long any more. But it depends on…

\- On what? – I inquired as he suddenly fell silent.

\- Something. – He said shortly. – Let's not bother this subject.

\- All right. When you feel comfortable talking about it, do tell me. – I smiled at him, not wanting to force subjects on him he did not want to talk about.

\- Will do. – He nodded. – Anyway… really… might get rid of the coffin. You are right. I do it right now.

\- But where will you sleep then?

\- On the couch. – He shrugged.

\- Won't it be too uncomfortable for you? – I worried.

\- Erik is not going to sleep in the Louis Philippe bed, if you are hinting that. We are not going to share a bed. Ever.

\- And not even if I sleep on the couch?

\- We are not going to sleep in the same room either.

\- Why not? You already slept in the same room with me.

\- Only once. Not any more.

\- Why are you so bashful? I have seen your sleepwear before. I wake you up in the morning.

\- That's another thing.

\- Have you not heard of roomates yet?

\- I had. But I am NOT sleeping with you. End of story.

\- I would not mind if we shared a bed. – I tried to make him feel more comfortable about the subject.

\- It is a big enough problem you would not. But Erik would.

\- I won't rape you, or what are you so afraid of?

He gasped at that, shaking his head rapidly.

\- Erik does not understand why you insist on embarrassing him any further. And I am not declining your offer because I suspect any… any kind of approaching me… by your side. I simply am raised in a manner it is NOT an acceptable thing for a man and a woman sleeping in the same bed unless they are married. Not even if they are in love. I know we are not in love.

\- Are you sure we are not?

\- Clearly. Why? – He leaned closer, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. – Are you… not perhaps?

\- I love you. – I admitted softly.

\- You don't. – He stated.

\- But…

\- No. – The tone of his voice gave away he was sure I could not be in love with him, which was not true. I have to admit I had a crush on him when I read the novel, and I accepted his terms about friendship, as I thought we were friends. Yet I always had some platonic feelings for him deep down, and now in the last months, I got more and more certain I loved him.

\- Why don't you believe I love you?

\- You don't. I mean you do, but not the way you THINK you do. You are a naïve teen in your head, full of daydreams and idealizations. You think you are in love with Erik, the man? No, you are not. You admire him in a way, yes, as I did admire Christine. You admire his voice, his talents, his life experience, his "wisdom", as you call it… but… you are not in love… you can't be in love with him. Simply, there is NO woman being in love with Erik. It can't be. It was not meant to be.

\- How to prove it to you?

\- There is no way you can convince me of it, as I do know what you feel and that you are sure in a way that it is true. You keep telling yourself that to the point you believe it. But… I am sure there are… THINGS you would not do. You know, things that someone in love would do. And I would not even want you to do it, as I… I… don't… want such things to happen.

\- What are you implying?

\- Nothing. – He shook his head. – And that is enough of it. You are a very kind girl you told me this, and I am honored you feel this way. But as you get older, and more experienced, you will be able to tell the difference between being in love and amiring someone. Don't be sad about it – Erik learned the difference just recently as well. And this is why I say we are not getting any closer. I am the man, I am older, and I should have the morals not to use your naivity. I did it once. I am not going to get so low again.

He patted my shoulder just like he was talking to his silly daughter, but after he kissed my forehead and stroke my hair. He did not say anything else and I decided not to force the subject any further, but prove him my love if I get the opportunity.

He really got rid of the coffin. He saved the blankets and pillows from inside of it and put them on the couch in his room, making it clear he really intended to sleep there. Well, I knew he was super stubborn, so I did not say or ask anything else about it, only praised him for making the coffin disappear. It was a much better feeling to walk in his room as I did not have to see that object any longer. Erik rearranged the room a bit, putting the small lamp on the table next to the couch so he was able to turn the lights on if he woke up at night, and that was where he stored his pocket watch when he did not wear it. I found out he was obsessed with always knowing the time. When he woke up he wasn't able to fall back asleep until he checked his watch. He also checked it after every important activity of the day, for example the music lessons, or when he was working. In a way I could understand it, as if we got lost in an activity, it was easy to get lost in time as well. We did not have any outer source of light, so we did not know when day or night was. And I did not like to get lose track of time, yet it always happened to me, including the inability to tell which day of the week it was. Erik did have a weekly routine always, so at least I was able to follow that, I could mark week ends as he was always doing laundry on Saturday and we took the Sunday walks in Paris. We did take smaller shopping routes outside on weekdays too, but the Sunday walks were something special. We spent much time in fresh air which I really appreciated, despite the weather not always being the best.

Even though we had daily and weekly routine, life was never boring with Erik. I discovered another talent of his every day, and he was finally able to entertain someone, just as he wished. He taught me to do easier card trick and for many different card games. I was pretty good in them, and I liked to watch him doing different versions of Solitaire, which he mastered during the years.

\- What are you laughing at? – He snorted half jokingly, half with an acted out dismay. – Finally I found a game I could play alone.

\- But if you play alone, why do you own a chessboard? – I pointed out.

\- Erik plays with Erik. – He answered naturally. – If you don't have a partner, you have to be content with yourself as the opponent.

\- That must be boring, you always win.

\- Not always. – He pointed out. – One or two times out of ten, Erik may defeat me.

\- Oh, I see. – I laughed. – But really, what is the point?

\- Chess is not about who wins. – He smiled at me like a father would smile to a silly young child.

\- But then what?

\- Practicing strategy, building up a right battle, improving logic, for example. You can do it alone.

\- And is it fun?

\- It is, for me. – He nodded. – Can you play though? I would like to try out how to play chess with someone else. It was a long time ago I had an opponent.

\- The Daroga?

\- Mhm.

\- Did he teach you to play?

\- Other way around.

\- You taught a Persian how to play chess? WOW.

\- Well, he was able to play the basics when we met, but he was extremely boring. He learned many interesting steps from me.

\- You are a chess master, aren't you? – I asked with a hint of admiration and worry mixed in my voice.

\- I am a fairly good player, yes. Why?

\- Because you will find me extremely boring too, as I don't even know the basic steps.

\- Oh, well, I like to teach people as you might have noticed before. – He chuckled. Do you want Erik to teach you?

\- Yes. – I nodded. – If you can.

I was terrible at logical games to tell the truth. I had a great memory otherwise, but so much combinations and steps were hard for me to memorize. Yet Erik dd not lose his patience, even after having to explain something many times. He was really meant to be a teacher, despite of his patience being short in any other times, he never lost it during explanations or tutoring. Within time I learned to play moderately well, it took Erik a lot of effort to make me learn the basics. My brain is much less capable of chess than music – yet I have to admit it was easier than I thought.

That is how we lived, nothing changed. I started to believe also that my feelings were only an infatuation towards the man I liked very much, so I did not push on the subject any more and we both acted as we did before – as very very close friends.

Until those confusing times came.

At first, it was Halloween. I knew people in France in 1881 did not celebrate Halloween but it turned out scary for me anyway, with no goblins or physical demons, but demons deep down buried in my soul. The thing that stirred up my feelings and made both me and Erik unsure of our feelings for many things was a newcomer, or to be clear, an old returner.

It was the rather dark and gloomy afternoon of 31st October. Unfriendly, rainy and cold. I was waiting for Erik to return from shopping when the door opened. I hurried to greet him happily, that we finally have some life in the house again, but I jumped up in fright when I saw the outlines of the figure in the doorway. It was a woman, not a man. I heard a feminine scream as she noticed me too and as I put the lights on I saw a lady standing shocked in front of me. She wore all black, the only colorful thng I could notice was her long blonde hair which showed from under the black hat she wore. We stared at each other for some minutes, without a word, trying to figure out what to say or do.

It must be only one person, or at least I hope she is the one I think she is. I walked to the fireplace to look at the mantelpiece for the reference picture to make sure she was Christine, but the picture was no longer there. When did Erik put it away…? And why? I did not notice it was missing before.

\- Mademoiselle Daaé…? – I stuttered softly, feeling that I needed to say something finally.

\- No… - She cleared her throat after some pause. – Madame de Chagny. – She added hesitantly.

Oh then they got married with Popeye the Sailor Man, thank God. I wasn't sure why did it fill me with such a bliss, but I am ashamed to admit I thought Christine returned to steal Erik from me. Yet NOTHING was between us and Erik did not even want me as a lover. Why did I get jealous of Christine when I had no chance at Erik?

\- Oh… good… afternoon, Madame… hand me your cloak and take a seat please. Tea? – I inquired, still clueless about what on Earth to do to her. – I am sure you… got cold outside.

\- Bonjour. Thank you, I could use some tea. – She replied, seemingly just as surprised as I was.

I hang her black cloak to dry and hurried to the kitchen to serve some hot tea for her. I carried in a full tray with everything, letting her decide what she wants in it.

\- I think I should… introduce myself… my name is Judit… Judit Varga.

\- Nice to meet you. – She gave me a kind smile finally. -Where are you from? – She inquired. – Your accent is strange for my ear… something Slavic? Russian?

\- No. I am from Hungary. I am sorry about my accent. I have been using French just for a few months and…

\- Don't oryy please. It doesn't bother me. On the contrary. It gives a special melody to your words.

\- You are like me. Searching for music in everything.

\- Old habits die hard. – She sighed. – Yet I don't sing as much as I used to. Don't get offended, my friend, for my curiousy, but why do you wear male clothing? Are you back from the stage?

\- Oh no. – I laughed out. – I… I am not a skilled performer like you. I am just… a composer and I play instruments rather than singing. And… well, to answer you, I find male clothing more comfortable.

Silence came, Christine looked around a bit nervously, and then she softly asked.

\- Where is… he?

\- Out, shopping. – I answered.

\- So he is alive and I don't have to… bury him.

\- No, he is fine. Or was the last time I saw him.

\- Then I think I don't have anything to do here. – She nodded sadly. – How could I help you?

\- Help me? – I asked with surprise.

\- Poor you. How long does he… keep you here?

\- He doesn't keep me here. I am here by my free will. I am not his prisoner. I coe and go as I please.

\- So he made you believe that. – She gave an irritated little sigh. – Oh how naïve you are…! Please flee until it is not late!

\- Christine… - may I call you that…?

\- Yes, you may, I don't mind.

\- So, Christine, I think you won't believe me but Erik did change a lot. Since you showed him compassion he is no longer the Phantom.

\- I would wish to believe so. – She looked into my eyes kindly. – Look, dear, I am your friend. I want to help. I have been through this. Please trust me and tell everything.

\- You will think I am crazy, for more reasons. Are you sure you wish to hear my story? It will be unbelievable.

\- I am used to unbelievable things about…him. I am sure I won't get surprised.

I shrugged and slowly, while having tea as well, I told her my story with Erik so far. Surprisingly she did not find the time travel impossible. She claimed it was to be expected someone discovers it once. She was much more surprised and astonished yet, not believing Erik can be that different from the monster she had met before. She told me she knew Erik had some good deep down in his heart, and she pitied him for that, that is why she tried to make him happy finally, but this nearly cost her lover's the Persian's and her own life. But a bit of love both me and Christine gave him, did help so much, it was nearly unbelievable.

\- Are you angry with him? – I asked after some pause.

\- Not angry. – She said, slowly shaking her head. – He really did not know any better. I pity him still, and now, I do hope he finds inner peace finally.

\- Do you want to wait for him to return?

\- I would rather not. – She shook her head again, with a deep sigh. – I wish to bury the past. I am relieved it is not him I had to bury. Only the memories. Now that he is with you, who seemingly likes him, maybe he can change and live happily. But I don't wish to bother his feelings… and mines neither.

\- I understand. – I nodded. – Shall I tell him you were here though?

\- Yes. Tell him I wished to fulfill my promise but I am glad to hear I did not have to. And give him this, please.

She slipped the plain gold ring off of her finger and placed it in my hand. She stood up, collected her cloak and hurriedly put it on. Turning back to me, she finally said:

\- Please remember: do alert the Persian man if you are in danger. Don't hesitate. I know you love him, but be cautious. God bless you and keep you safe, my friend.

\- The same to you. – I smiled at her. – And be happy. Stay safe.

\- I thank you for your kindness. – She seemed to be touched.

\- I send my best wishes for M. de Chagny. – I added.

\- Thank you. – She gave a faint smile before hurrying outside.

Looking at the plain gold ring in my hand, I was totally clueless about what on Earth shall I do. Will Erik get upset if I tell him she was here and I let her leave before they could have spoken to each other? I was confused about my emotions as well as the happenings from now… I was a bit of afraid.

When Erik returned with groceries, he instantly noticed something was wrong. He asked what had happened. I told him with a sigh about Christine's visit, and tried to convince him I could not make her stay longer… I asked for his forgiveness when he suddenly started to laugh.

\- What… what are you laughing at? – My jaw dropped.

\- You. – He pointed at me.

\- Why?

\- Because you seem to be much more concerned about this issue than Erik is.

\- Wait… don't you CARE she was here?

\- I do. I am happy she was. I can smell her perfume though. I remember that scent and it gives Erik so good memories.

\- But… did you not want to speak to her?

\- No.

\- What?

\- What would that be useful for? I mean, our relationship ended. I am happy it ended the way it did, by both of us calming down somewhat. Meeting again would just tear wounds up. She is married, thankfully. And she is a honorable woman, you see, she wanted to keep her promise. You said she told you she was HAPPY for me, right?

\- She did.

\- That is enough for me. – He sighed dreamily. – To be honest, I would not know what to tell her. We were never as close as I am with you. We discuss everything. With her, I mostly talked about music. She did not want me to know her better, and neither did I wish to tell her my past and my feelings. I have closed that chapter of my life. For good. I know you meant well by trying to get us together again, but it is just how it's meant to be.

\- You are not even in love with her any more?

\- As I said, I think I was never in love. I did not know what it means. I thought love was about having someone with me and making her love me in return, by getting used to me, clearly against her will. Not the cleverest idea. Anyway I just try to forget now. I put everything away which reminds me of her, and I try to bury her memory in the back of my heart and mind. Forget and move on. I have to concentrate on training you.

With a sad smile he patted my head and kissed my forehead. I slipped the ring in his hand and looked at him questioningly.

\- And this? What about this?

\- I am not sure. – He dropped it in his coat pocket with a deep sigh. – I don't wish to figure it out now.

He took it surprisingly well. I hoped his feelings weren't too much worked up by this visit, but I was heartbroken to hear he cried in his room alone after he retreated early in the evening. I could only hope that it will go away and he won't cry over Christine from now on. I had mixed feelings about her. She was a kind girl, but I was a bit of still jealous, even of her memory.

Oh why, oh why did she have to return…?


	17. Growing Pains

Two weeks passed since Chrisine's visit.

I was wondering if this episode had ended yet, or not, and felt a bit of unstable at first, for no obvious reason, as I knew Erik did not want our relationship to change either with or without Christine in the city, yet I still found it better if she wasn't around. She did not show up again, as I secretly feared it, everything was the same as before. Maybe shewent back to the North where Raoul's bottom is going to freeze up, but Christine is used to that. Not Raoul's frozen up bottom, but the weather I guess.

The utterly strange thing was that my dear old man was totally apathic about this small talk between his ex lover and me. He did not wish to know if she believed that he changed or not, yet I tried to explain him I told just good things to her about him. He did not seem to care if she thinks he changed or not. Save for his crying about that happening that one time, he did not show any sign of being disappointed or depressed about she did not come back and left without talking to him. I think he knew she won't return, and he accepted it. I did not want to bother him by telling my stupid fears, as it might have been upsetting for him, and I did not want to cause unnecessary pain and upset. I did not know if he noticed I was jealous of Christine, but he did not talk to me about her. I liked that fact, to be honest. I feared he was going to compare me to her, in which case I was totally expected to be outshone by her. She was beautiful, talented kind and extraordinary. How skiny she was, I was the most jealous of her shape, as I was always a bit of overweight. A cow, really. Of course Erik does not want me as a lover, how could he love a cow?

Our music lessons continued and I was learning pieces like Fauré's Pie Jesu, and Erik seemed to be content. I never thought I will be able to sing that high again, and my voice sounded so unfamiliar to me. It was too beautiful and clear to be my own. As I sang religious works, with organ accompaniment I really felt like I sang in Heaven. I tried to convince myself that maybe it was just the acoustics that helped and I can't sound so good, yet my speaking voice changed somewhat too. It got that operatically trained layer as Erik's, slowly and steady, and it was a bit mature and did not sound so much like a five year old's. It had been 6 months since he gave me voice lessons and already I sounded way better than ever before. I liked to sing more and more because I slowly regained my bravery to enjoy singing and show it for others – or to be clear, for Erik as he was with me. He appreciated the change much, and he often encouraged me to sing, or just to enjoy music. I felt like he gave back a part of my soul to me, I felt the child with no problems, as I did want to feel in the last years. I never wanted to grow up, to admit it. I was a soul like Peter Pan in Neverland, always a child, always playing.

Erik was full of surprises still. Just by the time I thought I have learned everything about his life and the house by the lake, I had to face I knew really nothing before. The house had hidden parts I did not discover, until an accident has happened. Well, to be honest, it wasn't fully an accident, it was halfway planned. I wanted to take the shortcut from third cellar when I went home once without Erik. He wanted to show me he wasn't locking me away, so he gave me small tasks I could do alone as well, for example I got some money to go and buy stuff I could carry easily, or something I needed. He wanted me to learn the value of XIXth century money, and how to take care of myself if he gets ill, or probably dies. Independence was something I really needed, and though I did not protest, I enjoyed walking with him more than walking alone. Boredom and curiousy were never doing any good to me.

So I took the shortcut and slowly and cautiously hid among the sets of King Lahore to see where that passageway was. I planned to alert Erik when landing in the Torture Chamber, I knew he will be a bit of angry at me, for not obeying one of his rules, but I wanted to show him I could survive. He will also be proud I found his passageway. Ha!

I remembered that I had to jump down after climbing in, but from the book it did not get clear that I should have fallen a bit of sideways, not just sipmply down, as I just got on the roof. Oh well, I will try my best to climb inside. Of course, I slipped. I had no time to think as I started falling and in my mind, I was praying to God for a miracle while screaming, but suddenly I was able to desperately cling into something made of stone. As I regained my senses I realized I was hanging from a balcony railing, squeezing the stone so hard I could barely feel my fingers. I pulled myself up and climbed inside of the balcony, finally feeling safe. I did not even know the house had one. How does he come out here anyway and what for? Or it is just because he wanted to show he can do one? It was small and only the stone wall of the house was in front of me, with no balcony door or window. But… I have learned from Erik that just because I could not see something, it did not mean it did not even exist. I walked closer to the wall and examined it closer for a nail or a brick that moves. I found one, finally, after some attempts. See Erik, I know your tricks. The wall opened, revealing a door with glass and a common doorknob, thankfully. I had no trouble to open it. It wasn't locked, as it was well hidden, there was no need to be so cautious. There also was a thick red curtain closing the room away from sight where I entered. It was an unfamiliar room to me, I did not remember this curtain or the balcony door from inside and wondered in what part of the house I could have arrived in. It seemed to be hingher than my room, as it was in the same level as for example Erik's room and possibly all the others, but the balcony was way higher as I looked down from it, this is why I climbed up, not down. Does this house have an upper floor? But then where are the stairs leading up here? I could not recall any stairs from the main hall that led to both Erik's and my room.

As I was wondering and I took a few unsure steps to get out from behind the curtain, I suddenly was grabbed and a hand squeezed my ankle, causing me to fall and someone pulled me out from behind the covering material by my legs while I gasped in shock.

\- Erik stop! – I hoped it was him as it was totally dark in here and I was facing the ground as whoever grabbed me was suddenly kneeling on my back.

A half relieved, half irritated sigh could be heard and I was released. He turned me around, and noticing it was really me, he moaned in annoyance, then helped me up from the floor.

\- How the bloody Hell did you get here? – He asked, in not the best mood.

\- Well, promise you won't be too mad at me…

\- Am I wrong if I say you were dropping from the roof? – He leaned closer, simply not having enough patience of waiting for my explanation.

\- You are right.

\- And HOW did you arrive on my roof, do tell? Eh?

\- I was… so I… just…

\- You insufferable little **fool**! Do you know you could have **DIED** **_three_** different _fucking_ ways? Dropping into the Torture Chamber where you will be roasted alive or can hang yourself as you please, or falling from the roof smashing your empty little skull against something or dropping into that filthy lake finally drowning and breaking each possible bones in your body. Nice death, each of them, are they?! Are you really THIS tired of your life? Why did you not tell me? I can end it in less painful and troublesome ways! How can you be SO fucking stupid and ignorant? Did Erik NOT warn you before, numerous times...!

\- Erik please… I just wanted you to be proud that I found the entrance.

\- YOU DID! Nearly to the arms of Hades, you… you… you little… _you_ …

He took a deep breath, staying silent for a time, I could almost hear him counting in his mind to avoid calling me more things he would later regret. I did not start crying or got upset as I knew he was only yelling at me because of being totally worked up by at first fear that someone surprised him in his home, and later, worry, finding out I came here the wrong way. He let out another sigh and took a forced deep and slow breath to prevent hyperventilating, then put his shaking hands on my shoulder, looking at me from close.

\- Are you injured? Does it hurt somewhere? – He asked softly.

\- No.

\- Sure?

\- Sure. – I nodded. – I am sorry.

\- I am too… for yelling at you… I did not… want to. But… oh don't do this again, I am too old for these kinds of jokes. – He hugged me, still shaking heavily. – Promise… promise…

\- I am sorry, dear. – I put my head on his shoulder. – I promise I won't do anything like this again.

\- Good. – He sighed, nervously playing with my ear. – Erik says everything for a reason. – He added.

\- What is this room? – I inquired, trying to make Erik feel better. – I have never been here yet.

\- You have. – He said softly. – Just… you don't recall it.

\- How come I don't?

\- You were in a coma. When I… went to… get you from the cellar.

\- You brought me here after?

I looked around. The walls were partly covered by tiles at the far other end of the room, and so was the floor, just as it was a kitchen. The part of the room we stood had another color of tile floor but the walls were just plain white painted. The "kitchen" part had a long counter with a sink and some kind of equipment I could not see from far. There was a huge table as well, covered by white sheet. It looked like a doctor's office really. With another curtain, there was a bigger iron tub separated a bit in the corner, but visible. Behind Erik's back there was a desk and a chair with a lamp.

\- Is this an operating room you have here or what?

\- Partly. – He nodded. – Yes, you were put there. – He pointed at the table. – I only put you to bed when I… stabilized you finally.

\- Oh, you cleaned the wound on my head here. – I smiled.

\- Yes. I keep medical necessities here. Scalpels, needles, drugs…

\- And the tub?

\- It is usually for washing… bodies you know. But you received cooling bath here. You had high fever.

\- Dead bodies?

\- You know finding someone… hung is a bit messy sometimes. – He sighed. – And that lake is filthy…

\- I see. And after you hid them?

\- Why does it interest you so much? – He snorted.

\- Just curious. May I look at your stuff? I am curious.

\- Yes but please don't touch anything. – He sighed. – I will have to sterilize everything again if you do.

I walked to the counter, noticing he kept there many different kinds of knives, scalpels, needles, and seemingly anything a doctor would need.

\- Are you a doctor as well though? I mean can you operate on someone?

\- Yes. Though I usually… don't… work with … living people.

\- Wait does it mean you… dissect dead people? – I turned back to him a bit of surprised.

\- Yes. Not always. I usually just… wash them and tidy them here after… I find them.

\- And why do you dissect people?

\- Science. – He moaned. – I like to examine… normal people. I tried to find out in my youth what makes me so different. This is why I read so many medical books I can now easily be a doctor. I learned to operate on people as well, yes, so I can help if I want to. I helped you too before. I see they already removed your tonsils, so there is not much to operate on you any more. But mostly this room is not for operating or dissecting anything, as it is my laboratory mainly. I make experiments with different kinds of chemicals to find out new things. That is how I developed some new ways of making things work using coal based electricity.

\- You made batteries? Guy, you are awesome!

\- Kind of. Not the type of battery you have in your phone. And it is yet a bit of in experimental state.

\- Wow. And as a doctor… can you fill a tooth?

\- Why, do you have cavities?

\- One lower tooth on the right is.

\- I'd suggest you to go to a dentist, I don't like to experiment on someone I love.

\- I am afraid of them. I could and should have gone in the future I think, but… I was too coward it will hurt.

\- Well, if Erik does it it certainly will. I can't make it any less painful. Not even the dentist but at least they are professionals. Teeth are hard to work with.

\- I trust you more than a doctor.

\- Well, let me have a look at it. – He came close to me and turned me to the source of light. – Open your mouth…. Oh yes, I can see that. Is it in pain?

\- Not yet.

\- Good. It is not that bad yet, as I notice. But it will get worse within time. Don't wait until it does. Did you ever have an aching tooth?

\- Not yet.

\- Lucky person. It is killing me from time to time… meh... I can barely function when it happens.

\- Will you help…? Please.

\- I have to think this through.

\- I have no wisdom teeth either.

\- They did not grow out for you as I notice. You have them though, just not outside, they are hidden. But I would not mind it in your shoes, they are only out to cause pain.

\- I don't miss them so much if that's the case. And did you notice what I sill have?

\- What?

\- A baby tooth.

\- No way… where?

\- Upper row on the left.

\- Show me. Oh… dear God in Heaven, you are right. A baby tooth. Healthy, undamaged.

\- I am 28, I have no wisdom teeth and still have a baby tooth.

\- It shows what a child you are. – He shook his head and patted my back. – But… well, look, I don't really want to fill your tooth. Sorry. Ask me anything, but not this. Any other thing I will help you with, but… not this, please. I don't want to pain you, I did cause pain for everyone I loved yet. You should be an exception. Please don't make me, Juti.

\- Well, but then what?

\- If you are so much afraid I will accompany you to the doctors and I will even hold your hand, just please don't wish Erik to meddle around in your mouth. It is their job, they will help. It will still hurt, but at least it is not Erik who hurts you.

I had to laugh at his begging and yet I felt sorry for him. Poor man, he sure would be in pain too, seeing my cry or something. It shows as well that he does not actually enjoy what he has to do to people sometimes, yet he tries to disguise it by sarcasm mostly, but he dared to be honest with me. I hugged him and told him it was all right. He took my hand and led me out of the laboratory, to a smaller hall I hadn't seen yet. On the wall there was a dartboard hung, and it caught my attention as Erik wanted to show me the way to the stairs.

\- What is that for? Darts?

\- No. Shooting.

\- Do you own a gun?

\- Pistol.

\- Show me.

\- No. You aren't playing around with knives, guns or arrows or such.

\- And the lasso?

\- No fucking way, girl.

\- Language…?

\- I don't care at this point any more. I am too much worked up. I should have blindfolded you, I knew you will come up with something life threatening silliness again.

\- I am going to be careful.

\- No. You either harm yourself or shoot me accidentally which I will not tolerate. Promise you won't try to locate my weapons.

\- I won't.

\- Come already before you come up with something else, will you? I am tired.

He sighed and led me downstairs and he headed to the wine cellar to grab a bottle. As he returned he muttered in front of himself that I was only tolerable with 3 liters of wine and a bottle of laudanum if "I am crazy as Hell". He then sent me to bed and told me he had enough of me for the evening.

I wasn't angry with him, I rather felt sorry for him that he had to be in this state because of me. I told him I was sorry, kissed his forehead and wished him a good night. At least he finally gave me a faint smile while returning the kiss.

 **Erik's diary**

 **11** **th** **November 1881**

 _This girl is driving me crazy once._

 _She tried to enter through the Torture Chamber, despite of me telling her NUMEROUS times not to! Oh why does everyone disobey what I say? Anyways, thank Heavens I did not have to prepare her body for burial, or do a life saving surgery on her. She just scared me so much I nearly pissed my pants. Oh that girl…_

 _I can understand her in a way though. She is young, curious, wants to know everything. I was the same way as well, I just examined everything despite I knew it was dangerous. Oh how many times I was walking on balcony rails in my teens, just for the fun of it. I don't blame her. She wanted to try out shooting as well, and she is interested in the lasso. The little troublemaker._

 _But I love her._

 _Since I was able to close the chapter with Christine, I realized something: I love Juti. Yes. She confessed she loved me and I still don't believe her. I know I am a father figure to her, an older and possibly wiser friend and father or some kind of Uncle or whatever who tells her what to do, who saves her from every silly danger she gets herself into, and a teacher and tutor she can always ask for guidance._

 _She loves me as her father. But not a lover._

 _But I love her. Not Christine, I love her. Deeply. As a man loves a woman. Yet I will never confess that to her. She won't know about it. I am not using her naïve feelings for my benefits, as I wanted to use a kind girl before. I am not manipulating any more. But I love her._

 _I am so tired. I have to drink to calm and sleep more now to get rid of this strange melancholy I am having right now, for an unknown reason. Thankfully I have a ton of wine at home._

 **Juti's POV:**

When I woke up in the morning and went to wake Erik up as well, I found out in a surprise that he wasn't in his room. Nor was he anywhere else in the house. Wow. Now what has happened and where he was?

I tried to occupy my thoughts not to worry about him by tidying the house and making food. Unlike his normal self, he made a huge mess in his room and the salon with empty wine bottles and scattered music paper all around. He tried to compose it seems like. His jacket was just thrown down to the floor, he would never do this having his clear mind. I don't know what has gotten into him last night, maybe did he really drink that wine? Well, it was Saturday. I knew Erik would do the laundry today, so I wanted to surprise him by the time he arrived home, to find out that I did it for him. I was living with him, I can do it as well, the golden ring won't slip off of my finger if I help him a bit… just may he come home already…

I did the laundry, and ironed his shirts, I was so proud of myself that I did not do it wrong and I did not burn either the shirts or myself with that heavy and hard to handle ironer, hoping that Erik will praise me to no end for being a useful girl. That is what I always wanted to be: useful. To anyone for a few words of praise.

As I was a bit of untrained yet, laundry, cooking and cleaning took the whole day and I did not even realize it. I was starting to get really worried that Erik still did not show up in the evening. I panicked if something had happened to him… is he all right? I sta down in the living room, worried and worn out. I dozed off in the armchair from time to time, startled up by the clock's chiming, always thinking it was Erik finally.

It was already two in the morning on Sunday.

I hadn't seen Erik for 26 hours in a row. I was biting my nails in fright. It was a bad habit of mine since maybe birth, when I was nervous. Suddenly, I heard a strange noise. Something was meddling with the front door's lock. Erik?! Oh no. The thing was trying to open the door for too long. Erik would be much better and quicker in getting inside. My heart was pounding in my throat which closed up more and more from anxiety, thinking someone ELSE found out the existence of the house by the lake… we got lost.

Oh no. We aren't lost until I am here. I am going to protect the house from anyone. I walked to the corner to get Erik's umbrella and when they succeed in entering I am going to use it as a weapon. I did not know where Erik's pistol was and I did not intend to kill anyway, just hit, if needed. I was waiting for the worst to happen, when the door opened.

\- At lllleeeast you opened you bassstard…

I heard a very much familiar tenorish baritone male voice. It did not ring so nicely now though, sounded a lot huskier and he had trouble forming words. I blinked at his direction with mouth wide open, as his dark silhouette appeared in the doorway. As he noticed me standing there in utter shock and still gripping the umbrella's handle, he burst out laughing. No, it wasn't even laughing. He made such noises I was unable to identify, yet I was sure he had much fun as he pointed at me and hit his knee a few times.

\- What's that… Madame..? Eh? Madame le fantome…? Eh? You… you wait for me… at dawn like a goddamned wife. What'ssss the matter…? You could… not find the pin? That's whyyyy the umbrella…!

Another nasty laughter came and he staggered a bit closer.

\- Are you drunk? – I asked a bit of suspiciously.

\- And what if so? – He barked. – Eh? You'rrrre not my motherrrr… nor my wife… nor Chrissssstine… - He grinned widely and pronounced Christine's name on a sickeningly slobbery way.

\- How does Christine come in this conversation? – I sighed a bit of irritatedly.

\- How? How, you asssk? – He giggled. – She isss the love of Erik's LIFE, that's how.

\- I thought you weren't in love with her any more.

\- I will alwayssss lovvve heeeer. – He leaned against the chair in front of him, grinning like a madman.

\- Good for you. – I stated, then wished to leave the room, seeing he was in a state he should rather be left alone in, but his voice behind my back stopped me.

\- Why, you little stupiddd… you… imbecile… did you think it was YOU Erik loves… eh? Did you?

I rather did not reply, trying to focus on something else, but the insults got me in the heart. I did not mind his cussing otherwise, as I did use cusswords too if I was angry, but insults were another thing. He went on:

\- Oh how stupid you are… she thought she can be AS good as Chrisssstine… she thought she was such a beauty… look at yourself! – He burst out in a laugh yet again, hitting the backrest of the chair with his fist as he laughed at me. – Christiiine wasss… such a little porrrcelain doll… she was so fragile… and you…? You… you're fat! You act like a goddamn teen boy… you are not even a GIRL, you stuuupid.

That's what I always feared. Yes he told the words I neer wanted to hear. I wished to walk away without a word, but I heard him trying to walk to his room, but fell. Turning back with a sigh I tried to go close to him to help him to his room, but to my astonishment he crawled on his hands and knees just fast as a spider to grab the half full wine bottle on the kitchen counter.

\- You have drank enough for today. – I took it from him, putting it down.

\- I…. **_I_** am going to decide… when I drank ENOUGH. - He looked at me threateningly, pushing me away from his way to get the wine yet again.

\- Don't come to me tomorrow with a headache, whining, I won't care.

Erik did not care either about my remark, and just as I was about to leave the kitchen, while he drank, I heard his remark.

\- You will… never be like Christiiine.

I stopped and abruptly turned back, facing him. Well, it was about that. Enough. Again Christine! I could not handle my emotions any more and I screamed in his face:

\- Then fuck yourself and fuck Christine too!

His glowing eyes lit up with a sudden flame of anger, he said nothing, but lifted his left to hit. The next thing I felt was an enormous bang on my head, I heard a dull crack, then like needles in my head, and blood… and a painfully stinging sensation of the fresh wound and alcohol meeting. He hit me on the head with the wine bottle he still was holding, then stormed out of the kitchen, throwing the remains of the wine bottle in his hand to the corner of the room. He ran to his room and baged the door shut behind himself.

Erik hit me.

The pain wasn't even coming from the wound itself, but deep down from my heart. It was worse than any pain I survived, it was like my heart just broke in half. Erik insulted and hit me for nothing. He came home like this. I did nothing against him, the only thing I did was giving him love, affection… and I was considered as a stupid little thing for it. He belittled me, and these months meant nothing to him at all. He did not love me at all. He was a good actor he could make me believe he did, or I was just too blind and too naïve really. The unbearable pain that ached deep inside me made me unable to think and function normally, I panicked and turned around, running out of the front door as fast as I could.

I am going to leave. If Erik does not love me, there is no need and reason to stay.

I ran away as I was: just later I found out that I wore no shoes either, only my slippers I wore in the house, and the plain white shirt with waistcoat. It was November, and snow was falling. I wandered on the street, in this attire, snow slowly getting in my slippers, blood on my head, and just later I had the strength to sweep pieces of broken glass out of my hair. I did not care at all.

Slowly, crying hard, I got my slow steps guided towards the river Seine.


	18. When words escape

**Erik's diary**

 ** _13_** ** _th_** ** _Nov. '81_**

 _Waking up was worse than a nightmare. Not only because of the hangover I had from drinking too much last night, and my pounding head making it nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. There was a strange feeling inside my head otherwise than pain. I felt something was not right at all, that things are not like they should be. I could not explain why though. I recalled nothing of the night before yet, I only remembered that I had way too much to drink and I felt its aftermath too much. I was laying on my desk with some papers around me, some red ink spilled. Maybe I was trying to compose in my drunk state of mind, yet I did not succeed at all._

 _Juti did not come to wake me up, maybe she wished to leave me alone as she maybe saw I was drunk? With a moan I stepped on my feet and was trying my best to navigate my corpse- like body outside in the salon to ask for her forgiveness and excuse myself for some time until I feel well enough to be around her. Maybe a trip to the kitchen to get some baking soda will help a bit…_

 _And as I saw the shattered glass and spilled out wine and blood on the floor, suddenly flashbacks from last night hit me like a thunder. I hit her. I HIT HER. Of course. Now I remember…_

 _I don't remember sobering up ever in my life as fast as I did right at that moment. The memories hit me like a whole barrel of cold water poured on my head, and seeing her bleeding little head was such a naturalistic sight that it turned my damned disgusting stomach. Guilt and extreme level of self loathing and pity made me unable to concentrate on anything else than her crying and I threw up, thinking of how disgusting and evil shit I was. I hated myself for what I did, I hated myself for hurting her more than anything, and those horrible thoughts I tried to drown into alcohol did return to me, I had to open and close my eyes again not to see that sight I was trying to forget, which was even worse than her bleeding…, And I heard her screaming "Fuck yourself and Christine"… this was the sentence that made me turn to be a beast… of course she can't know why she isn't supposed to tell Erik to fuck himself… and of course my reaction can't be excused… anyway… and I told her nasty things… I am not sure what did I say to her, as I usually do not recall my drunken babbling the next day, but the Daroga informed me about always being too much hurt and hateful towards everyone after a few extra glasses… and what I consumed was way more than a few extra glasses… everything rang in my ears… screams of each woman I hurt in my life, Juti's crying, my mother's sobs, I saw Christine's wounded forehead after she hit her head against the wall… blood and screams and death everywhere… my head spun, and… again I vomited on that goddamned floor._

 _I did not even bother to mop it up. I knew I had to search for her before it gets too late. I was praying it won't be too late even NOW…_

 **Juti's POV**

To be honest, I don't remember much of the happenings of that dawn and that following day. Maybe my brain protected me from pain, both emotionally and physically by feeling nothing after a time. I just stood there on that bridge, in that shirt and slippers in the snow as it was slowly dawning, thinking of nothing really. I blankly stared far far away but I saw nothing but darkness, and as the light appeared I did not feel comfortable on the streets anymore, so I aimlessly wandered around until an idea hit me.

To be honest I think those words of Christine did save my life as maybe I would have died of coldness staying on the I did not wish to die any more. Erik does not like me, but I had to do something of my life. I was alone, had no money and had nothing in a time period I just knew a few things about. I tried to compose my thoughts enough to function and do what was best for me temporarily.

"If you are in danger, alert the Persian man he will help."

I don't recall how I went to the Persian's apartment and how did I find him. I did not even know his address, but after some time I realized I was half sitting, half laying on a couch, wrapped up in blankets and a man wearing a pair of glasses leaned above me. He asked a few things I don't remember any more, but I recalled replying to him, and I received some liquid that made me sleep.

I slept for hours, and then I awoke, seeing the Persian man sitting next to me. He was looking at me worriedly but he did not want to bother me, so he just sat, examining if I was all right. I had no idea why he washed my feet in warm water several times and then applied some sort of cream on them. Did I have some problem with them? I did not feel pain, just numbness. He fed me and gave me water many times a day, and helped me to get up, asking me not to stand too much on my left foot especially, but the right was also to be rested. My head was stitched and some sort of bandage was on it. Again. So I am ill again and have to be taken care of. The Persian man was much kinder than Erik was to me during the caretaking, yet I still missed Erik for some reason. Whenever he came to my mind, tears were running down my face and started gasping. That is how the day passed.

In the evening I heard the doorbell rang constantly, followed by loud bangs on the door and I got so scared I covered my head by a blanket and hid from danger. The Daroga tried to comfort me and said he was right back after answering the door.

 **Erik's diary**

 _It took the Daroga way too much time to answer that goddamned door for me and it did not help my state of mind at that moment. I tried to search for her the whole day, and found no trace. In my last hope I ran to the Daroga to ask if he saw her. As he opened the door and saw it was me, I instantly received an enormous slap that made me lose my balance and I fell against the wreath. I did not complain by a single word as I knew I deserved it and I got relieved that at least he knows what had happened, so she must be here or must have been here before._

\- _Give me another one. – I said._

\- _What? – He asked suspiciously._

\- _Give me another one._

\- _Slap?_

\- _Yes._

 _Without a second thought he slapped me right away for the second time._

\- _Thanks. - I nodded. – How is she? – I inquired softly._

\- _Not well. – Mohammed snorted. – What do you want of her?_

\- _I just wish to know if she is safe._

\- _Safer than at you. – He retorted angrily._

\- _Is she ill?_

\- _She has moderate frostbites on her feet and a head wound you caused somehow. She had to flee from you in a pair of slippers. Shame on you, Monster!_

 _I had to agree he was right, but I had to see her… and ask for her forgiveness! Even if she wants to break off all the communications with me, I need to apologize and say good bye to her as a gentleman… if I can do such a thing at all._

\- _I don't deny what you say. – I whispered. – But please… let me see her._

\- _I am not sure it would do her any good to let you near her. She is in a terrible state mentally. She freaks out of every louder noise and she cries a lot. And she did not talk at all since I let her in. You took her voice._

\- _It is shock. – I replied somewhat calmer, as a doctor. – It will go away. But… it is really better if I don't see her today then. I just hope she feels better… I am returning tomorrow._

\- _If you dare to come here one more time to pester her I call the police._

\- _You are the police, aren't you? - I remarked._

\- _You know I have no power here. But I am sure I am going to get the police on you which has. They will be curious about the chandelier._

\- _You forgot that the case was closed, Daroga._

\- _They can reinvestigate anytime, you criminal. And I add to the accusations what you have done to that poor child. What did you break on her head, you beast?_

\- _A wine bottle. – I cried softly. – Daroga, please let me apologize to her tomorrow…_

\- _Well… I am going to ask if she wants to see you at all. If she agrees you may. But if she refuses to see you, then you go to Hell away and won't come back to bother her or me. Deal?_

\- _Deal. – I nodded then turned around to leave._

 **Juti's POV**

When the Daroga returned he informed me that Erik was here to ask if I was all right. I got surprised about him showing up and searching for me. Why did he search for me when he clearly doesn't like me? The Daroga added that Erik also wished to apologize and will return the next day, but I did not need to meet him if I did not wish to.

Maybe other people would not want to see him after what he did, but to be honest I was curious why he needed to find me, if he loved me at all, and even though I maybe won't forgive, he deserves a chance to explain. I know he was drunk, maybe that fact altered his behavior. I still can't accept it, but at least I shall listen to what he says. I got a piece of paper, as I was simply unable to speak, and wrote to the Daroga as a reply:

"I wish to meet Erik."

As he read the message he slightly nodded, but let out a deep sigh.

\- You are too good of a person. Don't let people like Erik use it against you. There are some people who can't be saved. Erik is one of them. I know that he COULD be better if he had someone to love him in his childhood, but people rarely change in this age. Remember, he is nearly 50. I just wish to save you from a horrible fate because of your good heart. But… it is your choice.

He did not say more things though, he brought in a basin of hot water to wash my feet again.

The next day was better for me. For some reason I wasn't that devastated and hopeless as the day before. I looked out of the window many times, at the nice street wiew of the Daroga's window and Paris looked so nice under snow. If I did not have to take care of my feet for some more days, and I had proper shoes and clothes for the season, I'd have went outside to cheer myself up a bit by playing in the snow. I closed my eyes for some seconds, imagining Erik and me having a snowballfight and my heart ached with a sudden realization of the things he said. I started crying again, but could calm down when I thought he is visiting. I tried to speak more times during the day, but I felt my throat closing up when I tried, and I was gasping for air. The Persian advised kindly not to force it.

I was overly excited during the afternoon, walking to the window over and over to see if Erik will finally show up in the streets. He did not. As time passed and it got dark outside, I became sorrowful and disappointed, being sure that he won't come. He changed his mind and did not want to see me again. I curled up in a ball on the sofa, buried my face between my knees and cried as I realized it really meant Erik did not like me.

Suddenly something cold touched my shoulder and I startled up and looked at the source of the sensation. I saw Erik leaning close to me, not wearing his new mask, but only the false nose, his eyes red from crying. He looked so extremely pale that his usual paleness was nothing compared to this. Even though I still was mentally worn out, his state of health did alarm me. He looked like he had eaten nothing and slept nothing since our fight, and he looked rather sorrowful. He was squeezing his violin case in his right, and gently held his left on my shoulder. He went on his knees and took my hand, seeming to be relieved I did not pull away.

\- Can you speak? – He asked softly.

I shook my head and pointed at my throat desperately.

\- That's all right dear. – He went on calmly, but with a broken intonation. – It will get better. But then… Erik won't speak either… you do know that… he is not the man of words.

He opened the violin case, getting his instrument out to let it warm up a bit before playing, and while that he penitently stroke my hair under the bandage.

\- I want you to know that whatever I said I did not mean it. – He sighed after some minutes. – I know that words hurt the most. But… I don't remember what I said, really. I am not sure if you were ever so drunk, but… Erik was, several times in his life. It was hard to bear a life like mine, and sometimes staying sober was hard, or impossible. I am not a drunkard and mostly can drink with a limit, but… it happens. But I will never ever drink a sip if you forgive me. I will get rid of my wine collection and never buy a single drink so last time won't happen ever again.

He picked up the violin, checking its temperature and he checked its tuning. I wondered while he did that. He was willing to sacrifice a whole wine collection for the sake of getting me back with him. He owned very special and pricey wines too, and I knew he enjoyed to drink a glass after meals, or used it as a source of inspiration. The fact yet, that he found my presence more precious, moved my heart a bit.

But his real confession just came.

He played. He performed a song on his violin I never heard before. A strange melody, very much sorrowful, but always stored up a hint of hope. It started in hopeless dark f minor, with a shudderingly complaining, yearning for the grave kind of main theme, which was even stronger after the small wandering into a whiny little c minor, but thanks to the constant modulations, it started expressing more and more feelings other than sorrow. Love, compassion, worry, yearning for forgiveness, pleading, and in the end, with a minore- maggiore change, it ended in F major, with growing hope, and the last note was floating in the air with a questioning intonation with a false was a heartbreakingly beautiful composition. Well, I knew that Erik could manipulate emotions using music, but looking into his eyes the emotions he played seemed to be honest and sincere, not well played out. Maybe I was naïve… but I thought Erik deserved ONE last chance. But I had conditions.

I took a pen and paper and wrote my thoughts after hearing his apology. I was sure the Daroga understood nothing of the whole situation, but Erik was really much better with notes than words. He was just a wordless author.

"Erik,

You deserve a second chance. It lasts until you harm me again, either by words or physical violence. NO MORE. ONE chance and no more, no matter how you play the strings off of your violin the next time, I won't listen. I have some conditions and remarks about making peace.

1\. You turning to be an anti alcoholist solves nothing and has no purpose. You may keep your wine and drink as you did before, but don't get drunk as then you will hurt.

2\. No more comparing me to Christine or anyone else, and no more insults regarding my appearance.

3\. Prove me you love me.

4\. Tell me the reason behind your behavior the last time, so we can avoid something like this to happen again.

He read the paper and nodded at each point, at the last one though he turned red and covered his face in shame.

\- I promise everything you listed here. I just ask you to let me explain the last wish at home. I am not comfortable telling it now. Will you come… home with Erik?

I nodded. He let out a relieved sigh and went outside to get something from the hall. The Persian sighed again and walked close to me.

\- Are you sure you wish to return to Erik?

I nodded and wrote on a paper for him that I was very much thankful for his goodness towards me and I asked him not to tell the police or anyone about Erik's act. He did not want to agree first, but I pleaded him, so he finally accepted my decision.

\- Remember if he turns violent again, leave him, until you can. And come to me anytime. You are always welcome here. I will help you. And you - I will keep an eye at you. – He pointed at the returning Erik.

He brought me clothes. My warmest coat and boots, a thick fur hat and scarf, even gloves. He left me to dress up in peace and after he returned and picked me up in his arms. I took his violin so he did not have to hold it. He carried me, knowing I should not walk too much, and explained it was cold outside. On the street a carriage was waiting for us and he placed me inside then hopped next to me, with such a thankful expression I have never seen in my life before. Just now I noticed he was crying. As the carriage rode and I examined Erik, suddenly worry took over my heart. Erik looked a bit of worn out and ill. I hoped he wasn't going to be sick and I wanted to make sure he was all right. I tried to speak and now it was successful:

\- Erik…? – I called out. This was the first word I said in the last 48 hours.

\- Yes? – He startled up from his thoughts, turning to face me. He did not expect me to speak yet, and he became excited and worried at the very same time.

\- Have you eaten?

\- I beg your pardon, sweetie?

\- I asked if you ate something lately. Or slept.

\- It's not important. – He waved. - How are you feeling?

\- Good. – I nodded. – But you…?

He looked deeply into my eyes, and put his gloved hands on my cheeks. His tearful eyes were reflecting so many emotions I was lost in them for a time, and he was struggling to say something. Finally he took a deep breath and softly said:

\- Szeretlek.

My eyes grew wide with surprise. He never said he loved me in my native before. He said "Je t'aime" a few times before, but he never confessed any of his feelings towards me in Hungarian. This fact gave me an impression he meant what he said and wished to give it some kind of reassurance. Maybe for both me and himself.

\- Really? – I asked in French, wanting to be a hundred percent sure before I answer.

\- Igen. – He nodded. – Nagyon szeretlek.

"Yes. I love you so much." That really meant he was sure, I think. I leaned to kiss his forehead and replied:

\- Én is szeretlek.

He started crying about I said "I love you too" and hugged me close to himself. He was shaking from all of the emotions he went through in a short period of time.

When we arrived to the Opera he helped me to get out of the carriage and picked me up again, no matter how I told him I was mostly fine with walking now. He went on a different path this time, and I found it a wiser idea to just stay silent so people won't overhear us. But as I saw a white horse I gasped in happiness.

\- Cesar! – I smiled. – Are you Cesar?

\- Yes, he is. – Erik replied. – I took him for you, so you won't have to walk.

\- You are so romantic…

\- Of course. – He siged. – Especially when I hit women. – He added bitterly while helping me on the horse. I patted the animal's neck and stroke him for a few times. He seemed to like it as he gave out pleased little snorts.

\- Erik please don't be sad about it. It happened. You can't change the past, but we should concentrate on the future.

\- You really don't care…? – He looked up at me with astonishment.

\- To be honest it wasn't physical hurt that made me the most upset. You hurt me more by calling me stupid and fat.

\- Stupid…? FAT? – He gasped.

\- Yes, among more things. That hurt me the most because… I have been worse. Erik, you don't know this, but I was enormously fat before. I lost 30 kilograms in the last two years and it hurt my feelings that you still think I am fat. I mean… I am… and I will never be like a beautiful girl… but it is actually a big enough achievement I look like this right now.

\- I don't think you are fat. – He reassured. – Really. Please forgive me for calling you names. I don't remember them. But you may call me names in return.

\- I would rather not. – I stated calmly. – I'd appreciate if we forgot this just forever.

\- Thank you. – Erik said with a relieved sigh and guided Cesar, walking in front of him.

\- I never sat on a horse before, save for that one time when I was 3 years old, and put on horseback for a photo. – I smiled, trying to change the subject. – But I don't remember that any more.

\- I always liked horses. – He admitted softly. – They seem to like me as well, just I don't know why. When I was young, I worked at a smith and one of my jobs was to take care of the horses there. I loved to do it.

\- Do you… "borrow" Cesar a lot? – I asked cautiously, not wanting to hurt his feelings by saying he would steal the horse.

\- Just when I need him and I know he is rested. I would never hurt him by overstraining. Or when I know they did not move him enough, then I take him out for a ride at night so he can run. A horse needs proper work and moving.

\- That sounds good. – I smiled. – You are a caring person.

\- Only for those I like. – He admitted. – Otherwise I don't interact with people and care nothing of them.

\- I am thankful that you are here with me. I missed you. I just thought you did not love me at all.

\- Never fear that, my dear. – He sighed. – If something, the problem is I do love you TOO much.

He did not say anything more while we were taking the journey to his underground home, but in the house I saw there was such a huge tidiness it surprised me. I looked around to find bouquets of flowers at every empty spots in vases or baskets.

\- You brought me flowers? – I turned to him with surprise. However we liked each other he did not do it so far.

\- It is the least. – He nodded. – The absolute least I could do to convey my deepest apologies. And now, what do you wish? I do anything you ask.

\- Will you?

\- Yes, I grant every wish of yours. Whatever it may be.

\- Erik, please tell me the reason behind your behavior. You know you promised it, and I think it is best if we are through it to forget and forgive.

\- The main reason… of course is I was drunk. – Erik said darkly. – Which is the fact that shall never repeat again.

\- I know but did you drink more by accident or was it for a reason?

\- For a reason.

\- I wish to know that reason. How can I help you if I don't know what's the matter?

\- You CAN'T help. – He shook his head. – Will you be angry with me if I chose not to tell more?

\- That's not what you have promised earlier. – I pointed out. – I deserve to know the truth.

\- You do. But it is something I am much uncomfortable, or probably unable to talk about. I think I could describe it in music, but I doubt you would understand the feeling I wish to express.

\- So you felt something you don't want to tell me?

\- To be clear I had special kind of thoughts I wish not to tell you.

\- Thoughts?

\- Yes. Sinful thoughts I wanted to get rid of. I thought drinking may help. It did not. Enough?

\- Did you want to kill someone?

\- No. Why do you ask?

\- About the sinful thoughts.

\- You can't think of anything else as a sin? Besides it would not give me such a remorse.

\- But Erik…

\- That's the truth. Killing someone is not as horrible as this act to me.

\- Wait… stealing…?

\- No. – He nearly laughed out.

\- Then what?

\- Why are you such a child? – He sighed tiredly.

The realization suddenly hit me and I looked at him in awe.

\- Lust?

Only a short nod came as a response. Wow. Well, Erik is a man after all. I did not know why did I not think he would have these kinds of thoughts, as everyone creeps him out so much? Yet I still thought it was Christine he was talking about.

\- I know, she looks beautiful and you are just a man, Erik. It happens.

\- What are you talking about? – He stepped closer. – Who is "she"?

\- Christine.

He gasped in shock and abruptly turned away from me.

\- Did you think I was talking about Christine?

\- Why, did you not?

\- No. – He shook his head rapidly. – I never had thoughts like these about her. I did not DARE to have such mental images about such a pure angel as her. And now my disgusting mind… starts to link things together… the love I feel for you… meets my… desires. And it disgusts me to no end, to the point I can't bear it any longer. The self loathing and the thought of failure makes me… drink.

\- Failure?

\- Failure to control my urges yes. – He sighed. – That I can't think of anything else and need to take care of my needs.

\- And did you…?

\- YES. I did. Thinking of… you… without clothes. – He hissed desperately. – Now is that enough?

\- If you thought of me I am sure your imagination is not realistic, as if you thought about the real me without clothes, I am sure it would have turned you off and the problem is solved. – I laughed.

\- I beg you not to make fun of this subject. I am ashamed just enough about telling.

\- Sorry. But it doesn't bother me… well it flatters me to be honest… I never thought that a man would consider me… worthy of such thoughts.

\- I am not happy about these thoughts at all and try my best to overcome them. I am sure it just needs time. I never had to experience such a feeling before about someone I loved. Maybe that confused me.

\- May I ask something personal?

\- If you insist.

\- So… I am starting to get suspicious… were you with a woman before?

\- You are going to be surprised, I think. Yes, I was. More times.

\- But…! But… but… but… - I stuttered.

\- But? – Erik groaned.

\- But if you had… sex before… then why did you get so freaked out by Christine kissed you on the forehead? Or was it after Christine?

\- Before. – He sighed deeply. – And you clearly don't understand anything.

\- No, I don't. – I admitted. – I thought you were a… virgin.

\- I don't blame you. With my looks it is rather hard to imagine a woman would want me. – He said bitterly. – The problem lies right here. I did never ask for sex of Christine. I asked her LOVE. I know that for most people love and sexuality are linked. But as you know, Erik does everything different than most of people. As you said, Erik is a man. He gets those urges from time to time as well, thankfully rather rarely compared to other men. – He nervously went in circles around me for a few times before stopping and continuing his speech. – You see, if he can't fight his sinful thoughts any more, he will… have two choices. Neither of them are pleasant, but… better than constantly returning desire which distracts him from functioning… somewhat normally, as he usually does. The first is to… - he looked away in shame and covered his face as he continued – Pleasure himself… and the other is to… visit… a woman.

Silence came for a time. I tried to leave him to calm down a bit before I asked him about more things as I could see he was trembling. He dragged himself to a chair and sat, avoiding eye contact with me the whole time. He was all silent, burying his face in his trembling skeletal hands, and taking deep breaths. I walked close to him as I felt he needed my presence and support but would never ask for it, especially not now.

\- Do you go to… how to call them nicely…? – I wondered as I did not wish to embarrass him any further with vulgar vocabulary.

\- Prostitutes. Courtesans. Call them as you want. Yes. – He moaned bitterly. – Now I bet you are disgusted of Erik just as he is disgusted of himself.

\- On the contrary.

\- What? – He turned to face me with a shock.

\- You just became more human and lovable for me. Erik, you have to understand that… there is nothing wrong with you. And I am not the girl you are used to, dear. Girls in my time period are used to sexual topics. We learn about this at school as well, and we know about it before experiencing it. I know you are ashamed of talking about this, but in front of me you don't ave to.

\- Are you sure you can stomach it?

\- Absolutely. – I nodded and patted his shoulder.

\- Ehh. I was honest with you now for the sake of having you back with me and forgive me for what I did. Now do you understand WHY I had to drink?

\- I do. And… I appreciate your honesty, dear. Please feel free to talk about it anytime you are uncomfortable.

\- It is not easy for me after a life like mine, but I will try. – He sighed. – Any more questions?

\- Do they not see your face?

\- No. They see nothing of my face or… the rest. I wear a mask and I request… total darkness in the room. Or blindfold them. But you see, contrary I had done it before, I… never experienced what it is like with someone who loves or accepts me as I am. Without feelings it is so empty I don't count it as "making love" as people call it. Simply because it is… not out of love, but… need. This is why I treasured that kiss the most, or any other ways of… touch. Because those girls don't know WHO they touch. They just do their jobs for money. I get what I pay for. – Another deep sigh followed then he desperately caught my shoulders on both sides. – But please understand… this confession and the fact you know about my problems… won't change anything regarding our relationship.

\- Why? Do you not want me to be with you?

\- NO! – He gasped. – No.

\- Why?

\- Because you are my child. A man does not sleep with his child. This is exactly the fact I deny sharing a bed or bedroom with you nowadays. It is unnecessary to… provoke Erik. And you just torture him if you do. Please understand and accept the request that he wishes not to involve anything sinful in our relationship. It is more than enough for him if he receives your kind heart and nothing more.

\- All right. – I nodded and stroke his messy hair out of his face. – Calm down sweetie it is okay.

\- It is so hard to understand that you are not disgusted. – He whispered. – And you still love me… after all I have done… do you really?

\- I do, my Erik. – I nodded, sincerely looking into his eyes.

After those honest sentences of Erik, I felt much better and seemingly, he did as well after he succeeded in calming down after some crying. He felt relieved of a huge burden he had to carry, as he later admitted. We spent our first evening after the peace making rather silently. Erik did not eat anything, but he gave me some chicken with rice he cooked earlier for dinner. He wished rather not to have anything, as he was a bit of upset, but he asked me not to worry about him: he was fine.

After dinner he sat in his chair next to the fireplace and looked at the flames absently, while I was playing piano tiles on my phone, relaxing on the sofa. He casually asked after a long silence:

\- What do you wish to receive for Christmas?

\- I don't know. – I admitted. – I have everything I need.

\- I did not ask what you had. I asked what you wanted.

\- I am going to think about it. – I said.

\- Just decided about something, as it is almost Christmas season. And if you decide nothing I am going to give you rosin which you won't even be able to use without a violin...

I laughed out loud about Erik's usual sense of humor, but he suddenly looked at me with sudden realization.

\- Oh… never mind… I do know your gift now.


	19. Erik's sick day

I wondered how it came that Erik was so calm about apologizing and admitting his weaknesses to me that evening. He was way too much composed, compared to his usual desperation. When he unintentionally hurt me by teasing back too rough sometimes before, he always threw himself in front of me on his knees otherwise, begging for my forgiveness, fearing that I would leave him, despite I showed no signs for it, and now that I really left him, and he took me home and explained why did he drink that much, he was a bit of nervous, yes, but not that hysterically pleading as before. He was able to word his thoughts, and he did not sob in front of me for hours.

He was a lot more silent though, during the evening, even after talking about Christmas was coming. He was looking at the flames in the fireplace and crossed his hands on his chest, sometimes massaging his arms as he was feeling cold. I did not know what he felt, and I was a bit of worried he was ill. I bet he did not eat anything in these days and he hardly slept, if he did at all. I walked a bit closer to him, examining him cautiously. He turned his head to my direction, but did not ask what I wanted as he usually did. Other times when he sensed my presence behind him, he stood up and asked politely if he could be at my service, but right now he did not move. This alarmed me a lot more and I tried to make eye contact.

\- Erik? – I called out, after not being totally sure if he really saw me.

After some more staring in front of himself, he directly looked at me, but still said nothing. I knelt down in front of him as he was sitting there to be able to look into his eyes and turned my head to the side curiously. Erik, however did not like this, as he jumped up from his seat and pulled me up in standing position, then sat back down.

\- What is wrong? – I asked with surprise.

\- Never do this again. – He stated.

\- What, look into your eyes?

\- No. Kneel in front of me.

\- Why is that a problem? I wanted to look at you if you were all right.

\- I am just tired and have a headache. – He admitted. – But if you want to look into my eyes, lean closer but don't kneel down.

\- Why does it bother you? I like to kneel on the floor. I played this way always when I was a kid.

\- It is not about that. – He sighed again, seemingly being tired of needing to explain me everything, and massaged his temples for a few moments. – You are a girl. Never go on your knees in front of a man. It is impolite and embarrassing for the man. You humiliate yourself, and it hurts me. Giving me even more remorse than I already have.

\- Why, you kneel down as well, many times.

\- It is a man's job. Showing that we are more vulnerable if we are not taller than you. If a man kneels down in front of a woman, he is showing weakness. A girl is weak enough without that as well. Showing your helplessness to me just reminds me of how I did hurt you and I hate myself just further. Don't.

\- Sorry, dearest. – I hugged his shoulders. – I never think things through.

\- You are just… from another culture. You do your best. – He nodded. – Will you excuse me if I go to bed? – He sounded rather worn out and in a bad mood, so I just placed a kiss on his forehead, and gently pet his hair on the temples where it was turning gray.

\- Good night, Erik, dear.

\- Good night, Juti. – He replied. – I love you, my little silly.

He laboriously got up from the chair, and slowly walked to his room. He closed the door and I just sat back to my place, to play more Piano Tiles for a while. I wasn't tired yet, and I did not wish to sleep early. I just could not concentrate on playing, so I put the phone down and was thinking of the last two days in my mind. I was still a bit of surprised Erik found me attractive enough to link me with sexual fantasies, and I did not know how to react to this. He stated we will be only friends, but did not seem to be as determined as before.

I am not sure how much time passed when Erik's bedroom door opened again and I heard it close, then footsteps were getting closer and closer. It did not happen yet that Erik returned to me after he declared going to bed. As I looked at him, I think, his return wasn't planned as if it was, he would wear something more formal. He never appeared in the salon in sleepwear before. His hands were trembling and he rolled his eyes in a strange way before going on hands and knees and walking in front of me like a dog. He said nothing, just looked at me with pleading eyes. I asked nothing. I did not want to force him to speak, I saw he was in a terrible state of mind. He reached out for me and I hugged him close, softly humming to him and rocking back and forth to lull him as he was clinging to my arms and shoulder, kneeling in front of me on the floor. He was crying hard, and laid his head on my lap. I gently caressed the back of his head for him, letting him get rid of the extreme level of stress he had been through in these days. So I was right when I thought we were too easily over this before. As we weren't.

\- Help… please… - He anxiously whispered after a long crying episode.

\- What's wrong, dear? – I asked with compassion.

\- Erik… can't… sleep… - He sniffed. – Guilt… forbids… him… as he… hurt you…

\- Ssssssh…

\- He is tired… he is so tired… so- so tired…

\- Hush dear, it is all right, we are going to sleep, okay?

\- We…?

\- You, sweetie, you in your bed. Come. You have a nice bed and you want to sleep, right…?

\- Mhm… - He nodded and sighed in agreement.

\- Come. – I led him to the Louis Philippe room and gently pushed him on the bed. He did not fight. – Don't worry Erik, I will sleep somewhere else. Okay?

\- Yes. – He nodded. I bet he was tired and uncomfortable of sleeping on a couch. For a proper sleep he needed a bed for the night.

\- Shall I sing you to sleep? – I offered.

\- Just… hold… hold my hand… please… - He whispered. – Until I fall asleep… finally…

I covered him up in bed and sat on his bedside, smiling at him and put my hand on his bony hand comfortingly. He was still wearing the fake nose which made him choke sometimes due to stress and him trying to fall asleep. I carefully removed it for him, not to scare him. He covered his face for some seconds, but after I reassuringly pet his shoulder, he got more relaxed and removed his hand from in front of the hole where his nose should be.

\- You don't sleep in that, do you?

\- No. – He murmured.

\- Just be calm, sweetie, try to relax.

He took a deep breath, and closed his cat eyes, at first, for some seconds, then they remained closed for more and more time, until they did not reopen again. Erik was sleeping in the Louis Philippe bed, peacefully at last. When I saw he was not moving, I respected his will of not wanting to share a bed with me, so I just collected my phone as it was my alarm clock, left the room and walked into his bedroom, where I firstly took a quick bath in his bathroom, then lay down on the couch to sleep for the night. I did not mind sleeping there. If Erik can sleep on a couch mostly, I have no problem with it either.

My phone woke me up, and as I did not remember I wasn't in my room but his, it took me a few moments to realize why I saw the organ pipes when I took my glasses. I stretched out and quickly got ready for the day to be able to pray my Opera Ghost out of bed, hoping he was still sleeping at least. He was rather uneasy last night, I hoped he wasn't bothered by nightmares.

As I stepped in the room and lit a gas light, I heard and saw him still in bed. I nodded in relief – thankfully he slept. The unusual thing was his choking sometimes, as he wasn't able to breathe through his nose, even without the papier mache nose. It surprised me a bit. By this time I only heard him snore, but this gasping was new. I climbed up in bed next to him, as he was turned to face the dresser and his back was towards me.

\- Erik. It's morning. – I patted his shoulder, expecting him to be sound asleep and I needed more tries, but to my amazement he just moved closer to the edge of the bed and did not turn to face me. – Erik…!

\- Will… be up sooood. – He replied softly. – Leave.

\- Why you are so grumpy even in the morning, eh? – I cuddled up to his back and playfully tapped his shoulder.

\- Dot grumpy. – He sighed, still wheezing a bit strange. - Ill.

\- God, what's wrong? – I sat up, trying to examine him, but he covered his face.

\- Do.. dothidg serious. – He tried his best to calm me. – Just a cold. I will get up, just leave be be for a secodd to collect byself.

\- If you are ill, you should rather stay in bed. – I petted his head, at least the amount I could see and reach. He was warmer than usual. – Do you have fever?

\- I ab dot sure and I don't care. – He said, with a hint of irritation. – And I ab dot going to stay in bed just with a cold. Yet I would… appreciate if you spedt less time in by presence udtil I feel better.

\- Don't you need my help? You are always alone when you are sick. Now I could help you.

\- I ab… a growd up ban, thadks. I cad… take care of byself. Dow goooo…

So that was his problem in the evening too. Maybe the stress he was going through, and I bet he did not eat and sleep much from guilt, did make him less immune to infections and poor unhappy noseless thing caught a cold. I did not want to anger Erik by asking more questions and bothering him. For some reason he did not want me around. I was willing to help, but as I thought it better, maybe he did not like to be seen in this condition. He was ashamed of being sick, but he should not be. Everyone gets a cold from time to time, it is not that bad.

After some hours, however I did understand why he wanted no one around when he had a cold. I accidentally caught a sight of him sneezing. He did it a lot, as he had some nasal infection, but he always turned his back to me or did not even come near when he felt the need, but once he wasn't quick enough turning away and taking his hand in front of his face and just then I saw what a messy job is it to sneeze without the cartilage. He humiliatedly turned around to clean his face and softly warned me not to go too close to him for this same reason. Also the more humiliating and messy procedure was to "blow" or to be clear, to clean his nose. He either had to wash it out at a sink or used a similar device as we do use nowadays for infants as they can't blow their nose for themselves. He did not like I noticed it, and was grumpily scolding me about why on Earth can't he have some privacy, and why do I always have to follow him everywhere. Yet he was surprised I wasn't disgusted of him as he had a cold. He told me he was the most disgusting creature on Erth if he suffered from these unbearable symptoms, and yet I wanted to approach him and be close to him did fill him with worry over my mental state.

To be honest I was worried about him too, mostly. I did not want to leave him all to himself as he seemed to feel unwell, and being sick and alone, especially in his age did not mean anything good. He just mostly curled up in a blanket on the sofa, tiredly blinking out of his head, sometimes dozing off, and sneezing a ton, that act always followed by a series of cussing and nose cleaning finally. He took some kind of syrups as well, just similar as he did give me before and made tea. I offered to make it for him at least, but he said the tea I make will make him throw up as it was too sweet as a goddamned sugar syrup. He really wasn't in the best mood, but I did not mind it. Erik also apologized about the way he acted, but he was, according to himself, was unbearable if he was ill. He assured me I was fine and he did not wish to hurt me, he was just in a bad mood, but mostly appreciated my presence. He was only worried I catch his illness and he also asked me to talk less as he had a headache, and he had trouble concentrating.

I got an idea about how to spend time with him with the least pain for him possible. I sat down next to him on the couch and asked casually:

\- Do you want to watch a movie?

\- That moving pictures thing? – He asked, turning to me with a hint of interest.

\- Yes. I store movies on my phone. Well, the screen is small, but…

\- My eyes are fine at least. – He shrugged. – What kind of films you have? Book adaptations?

\- I have "Phantom of the Opera"…

\- No.

\- What about… "Amadeus"?

\- Amadeus? – He leaned closer. – That is about Mozart?

\- Yes, it is based on a play written by Peter Schaffer. It is not a documentary, but fiction.

\- Not a problem. – He shrugged. – Mozart will be fine.

\- It contains a ton of music. – I smiled at him.

\- Oh… great. – He sighed in relief as he leaned back to relax against the backrest. I handed him the phone to be able to see it the most. He just had to tap it once to launch the movie. I cuddled up close to him, and as he noticed it, he covered me up with a blanket too, and did not ask me to go away, as earlier that day. At first, he was only letting me cuddle up against his chest, but eventually as the movie was playing he put his hand on my shoulder.

The music was very much to his liking, and the performance met his standards, even though my phone speakers weren't the best. Sometimes he remarked something about the music which was playing, to teach me a bit. I was happy to see I was able to cheer him up even in his illness. This is what I wanted to do. The storyline was also "creative and enchanting enough" as he stated it, and he had fun while watching the film. It was the first movie he saw, and said if all movies are just half this good, it was worth to invent them. He laughed out a few times at Mozart's silly jokes, just as me, and he did not mind laughing even though it was always resulted in a cough.

When the scene came where Mozart received the commission for the Requiem by the Masked Stranger I looked up at Erik with a smile, and he instantly said "It wasn't me" so he guessed what I wanted to say. I paused the movie and he looked at me with a hint of surprise. I wished to ask something of him which did bug me always when I watched Amadeus.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- I don't know how Mozart can be so deaf. That mask does not change Salieri's voice that much. He always talks to him about his problems and does not recognize his voice? How so?

\- He does not pay attention to the man's voice. He just can't link the two.

\- But he knows him. He heard him before.

\- Means nothing.

\- What do you mean?

\- Mozart is in such a mental state he just can't think logically out of shock. You can talk to him on any voice you want, he will only focus on the mask. It does not matter he knows Salieri, he does not recognize him, he is too much afraid of the thing he just THOUGHT he saw. He thinks it is his father's ghost.

\- I don't believe someone could be so deaf to not recognize a voice they had heard many times before, and so they can be fooled like this.

\- I bet there could be a situation you would not recognize Erik's absolutely unchanged voice either if I happened to hypnotize you in the right mood for it.

\- You think it is possible?

\- I KNOW it is possible. – He nodded. – I've been doing it all my life and I did not always alter the way I sounded. Anyway, shock is a tricky thing. I have experienced it many times in my life. Mozart could even hallucinate him talking on Leopold's voice. Shock and hallucinations are together very often.

I felt I was so stupid for not considering this possibility in my mind. Now that Erik explained, it was so plausible and believable, I must have been blind of thinking this aspect of the storyline as a goof. There must be something wrong with me if I did not get such a simple thing.

\- There is nothing wrong with you. – Erik patted my shoulder as he again knew what I was thinking. – You simply weren't yet in this state of mind before and you can't imagine someone is able to lose their common sense and sensations so much. Yet… I was… I can relate.

He sighed and hit the screen again to watch the movie further, I guess he did not want to have flashbacks of such situations. Well, the last minutes of the movie always made me cry, so at the funeral scene I was crying a bit, with my head on Erik's chest. I slowly noticed he was crying as well.

\- Yes… sad thing. – He nodded when the end credits were playing. – But the movie was good.

\- How come that a genius gets THIS for a life's hard work? – I asked softly.

\- Everyone gets this for a life's hard work. – He shrugged, almost smiling. – You little idealist, you.

\- I mean the unmarked grave, not death.

\- What is the point? It is all the same for him.

\- Wow! But…

\- At least his music is played. I am not sure it is needed to find his body. It is not important. Will it be better to the world and also him to find him? No. Graves are so much overthought. Besides, with your improved science, if you found him, I bet you would be dissecting his brain to pieces, examining why he turned out to be so clever.

\- You might be right actually. They are already working on cloning animals and also humans.

\- Oh, God, a mini Mozart. Thank Heavens he is hiding. At least he is in peace. And is remembered through his music…

He did not say it out loud, but I could hear a bitter undertone behind his words. Maybe, as I could sense, this thought did bother him too – that he will die without being appreciated and not even the music he wrote will be heard and performed. He played his music only for me yet, and only for that one time he wanted to apologize. I was so curious of how his music might sound like.

\- May I ask something?

\- What do you wish to ask? – He stretched out a bit, slightly pulling away. – Sorry, but your head is starting to be uncomfortable for me.

\- Did you write that song you played yesterday?

\- I did. – He nodded.

\- I loved it much.

\- Really? – He looked into my eyes with a sudden positive change in his mood.

\- Yes, really.

\- Thank you. – He smiled then sighed in pleasure. – I… I appreciate you say so.

\- As it is the truth. – I nodded reassuringly. – I wish you played more of your music for me.

\- Well, if you wish… I can, eventually. Now I am not feeling well enough to play, sorry.

\- Not now. But… once, will you?

\- Yes. Sure.

\- Thank you Erik, that one piece you played was like something I never heard before… you wake so much emotions with music. You are the best musician ever.

\- Don't say something you don't mean. – He scolded. – I don't like if you only praise me to make me happy.

\- I mean it.

\- Oh. Might be you even would like my music better than your… idol's?

\- Maybe I have a new idol. – I smiled widely.

\- Oh… - He turned away in embarrassment. – I doubt Erik is worthy of that. Only tell me an opinion when you heard something else as well.

\- I don't recognize you, my Erik. Where is that proud and self- satisfied artist who does not play for request? – I teased.

\- Maybe you won't believe, but I am not always self- satisfied. On the contrary. I am also afraid of not writing good enough.

\- Good enough for whom?

\- Myself. I don't wish to meet other's standards, but my owns. It isn't easy.

\- It really isn't easy to meet your standards. – I laughed out.

\- Erik is a lot more critical about himself than about you. – He laughed softly. – What do you think, why did it take me 20 years to finish Don Juan Triumphant?

\- Because you said you don't write for years…?

\- Partly, but mostly it is because many times of changes and rewritings. I rewrote it five times completely, as I later did not find it suitable.

\- And now you do?

\- I think so, yes.

\- And will you show me something of it…? Please…

\- No. Please don't ask that. I did not show it to Christine either and will never show it to anyone, no matter how much I love you. Exactly for the reason I love you. I don't want you to meet THAT… that pain.

\- Pain?

\- Yes. Pain, suffering, fear… you would be horrified of it.

\- There is no way to be horrified of music.

\- Your precious idealistic little soul would not be able to tolerate that. Belive me. Not even MINE can for long.

\- But then why did you work on it for so much if it causes you pain? - My mouth got wide open from surprise.

\- You know, that music is something like a journal to me. I do write a journal, yet… I always felt I can express my thoughts and feelings more in music. Don Juan is the main composition of my life, everything I thought, felt and went through, are in it somehow. There are times my own ideas give me fear and pain, so Don Juan contains parts as well even I am afraid of. And if I am afraid of them, you will too. Triple as much.

\- I see. – I petted his shoulder with compassion. – But ever if you are bothered by such thoughts from now on you don't only have music to express it. You can always tell me.

\- Oh… will… try. Thank you. – He hugged me hesitantly and gave me a small half sad, half thankful little smile, then he got up from the couch and pet my hair. – I am tired, so I go to bed. Don't worry, I will get better soon. Especially with such a child as you are. Thank you for… making my life livable.

He turned around and walked away to go to sleep. I was so happy I could make him feel somewhat better, and maybe from now, he won't link only negative thoughts to his sick days.


	20. The Ghost's Christmas Carol

Thankfully Erik was right.

The cold he had was not a severe one, as I was afraid of, and he felt better and better every day, which made him happy at last. I tried my best to help him while he was ill, but mostly I left him alone, knowing he preferred to stay by just himself and did not need much help. He wasn't used to people running around him worriedly when he was sick, and it rather bothered and annoyed him. He did not feel worthy of such a fuss, and he did not like the fact he was seen vulnerable, and my constant worrying and asking if he was okay always distracted his napping. I could only do one thing to make him feel better without bothering him. I got a tray and put on it a pot of tea with a cup, a slice of toast with butter on a plate and I warmed up some salt and bundled it in a clean handkerchief and placed it there as well. I carried the tray in his room and placed it down for him in the morning and left him to sleep or cure himself in peace. The salt was needed because he complained of earaches and from my childhood I remembered it was good for that. My ears hurt a lot until my tonsils were removed so I could relate. It must have been Hell for poor Erik. He thanked me later about the salt, and called me a caring little angel. He remarked that no one else cared about him so much when he was ill, and it touched his soul that I was willing to help a monster while it must have been a gruesome sight for me to see him with a runny nose when he could not even wear the fake nose as it got sticky and bothered him with breathing. Mostly I saw only his nose hole, but his sight did not disgust me, as he would have imagined. Finally, he got rid of that laughable Grucho Marx cosplay at home as well, and maybe I will be able to convince him not to wear it around me any more as I am completely fine looking at his uncovered face, just as God created him.

Well, it was a hard match to convince him about that, as when he had less of a runny nose, he instantly put the nose back on, just when I hoped I did not have to see it any longer. I told him more times that it was okay not to hide his nose hole from me, as it did not bother me at all. I wanted him to feel peace about his appearance, not to shame anything about his looks.

\- You have a weird taste as you wish to see my lack of a nose all the time.

\- That's just how you are.

\- True. But there is still no need to show it around.

\- You only have me here.

\- As long as it does not turn your stomach… - He sighed and removed the false nose for the last time, not to wear it again.

Oh, not because he did not want to wear it any more, but because I permanently and deliberately destroyed it. He tried to interfere, but my determination was stronger than his hesitation about letting me do so, so in the end he was already late. That laughable accessory was no longer available for him to cover himself, and neither were any of the masks, save for the human mask, but I only allowed him to wear it for outside and not in the house. Erik, though he tried to lift his hand in front of his face a few times while talking or eating with me, and complained about the lack of disguise and feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable because of it, had to admit that he felt better without the prosthetic nose as he was breathing more easily and wearing the nose was rather uncomfortable for him after a long time. That's what I did not want to have any longer – Erik causing pain for himself just for the sake of covering his deformity from my eyes. He had nothing to do about how his face looked like, and I honestly wasn't bothered by his looks. Why the fuss?

As he got better and he got rid of the pain in his ears and constant sneezing, coughing and runny nose, he returned to his old self, not worrying about me seeing him in a humiliating state of health and he was able to play the role of the strong and invincible Opera Ghost. It was extremely funny, considering I already knew he was just a boy seeking for love most of the time, yet he would not have admitted his weaknesses to anyone. Even I was in that exceptional situation only for a few times before that Erik dared to show his deepest emotions to me. Mostly he was just pretending to be strong and that he did not need help. It took just a few days until he felt well enough to be up and about, and even though I told him he did not need to leave right away to those cold streets to catch the cold again, he insisted he needed to go out shopping and I wasn't allowed to accompany him.

He seemed to be the determined Opera Ghost yet again, and I knew it wasn't a good idea to argue with him if he took something into his head, so I just asked him to take care. He was touched by the fact I wanted him to stay healthy and promised he was going to be all right.

While Erik was away, I decided to occupy myself by working on a gift for Erik. I wished to give him a song I wrote, as I wasn't able to figure out something else yet. He had everything he needed. He had thousands of books and sheet music, he had many clothes, shoes and all kinds of accessories, and I still did not have money to buy him anything fancy anyway. Many times when he sent me out to buy things I was allowed to keep the change, and it slowly built up a few francs, but it was still too little for something to buy for such a big holiday as Christmas. Asking money from Erik for his own Christas gift wasn't only awkward, but extremely lame and impolite thing to do, and I did not know any other legal way to get financial support, and I had to think of something I could give him for free. Writing music was for free at least, and I doubted Erik ever received a piece of music written directly for him. I only hoped my composition will be good enough for him.

I took a considerable amount of Erik's sheet music paper, and left to write the composition for him I wished to hand to him on Christmas day. I sat down, pulling a chair to the Louis Philippe dresser to write. The dresser was a bit too high for this activity and I started thinking I should ask for a desk in my room for Christmas if we were going to live here for long. I could have went to the dining table of course, but I did not want to risk Erik looking into the sheet music obove my shoulders, and find out what I was working at. There was another desk in Erik's laboratory but he kept it closed and even the stairs were hidden to it. I tried my best not to make a mess with the fountain pen and ink I borrowed from Erik, but as I found out it wasn't an easy job to use these for writing. I was too much used to ballpoint pens. I got too much buried in the activity to hear Erik returned. I only caught my head up to his displeased little groan. My heart sank with a sudden fright he saw me, but he wasn't in my room when I hurriedly turned around.

\- Ooooo! – I heard Erik's voice from the other room. – Oh ho where did those papers go, damn it?

\- I took them. – I hurriedly walked closer to the door to his room, not wanting him to come to mine to ask about his papers.

\- Really? And especially my pre- created music paper was needed for your actions?

\- Yes.

\- That is not a problem in itself, but at least make me another dosage instead of the one you took, as this amount you left here does not even supply if I needed it for replacement if I happened to run out of toilet paper.

I laughed hard at his joke as he finally got more comfortable with these kind of jokes, noticing I did not mind it.

\- Making music paper? How? Wasn't it pre- printed?

\- No. – He shook his head. – I made it for myself.

\- Why, you don't have pre- printed music sheets?

\- No. You are spoiled if you do.

\- We do, but I already use a program on my laptop to write music, so I don't need physical paper for it. But I did not bring my laptop, so now I need this old way.

\- Well, paper does not appear out of nowhere, especially not the lined ones. I have to line the paper and now you took all my pre- made paper I wanted to write on, so I insist you make up for my loss. I hate to line this damned paper as it is the most boring thing you can imagine, and takes time from composing,I finally made enough for the symphony and you just take it. Work a bit, child.

\- Okay. With ruler?

\- No. – He looked at me with surprise. – Why would you use ruler to make music paper?

\- Because I can't draw straight lines without it.

\- But we have this! – He lifted up a strange fork – shaped wooden object which had five tines. He put an empty piece of paper in front of himself, dipped the fork in ink, and pulled it across the paper. I slapped my forehead upon realizing there were the five lines.

\- So THAT is how they do it. I always wondered how on Earth was that possible to draw five so perfectly straight and evenly spaced lines for composers who had a super messy handwriting otherwise.

\- Was the handwriting part referring to Erik? – He teasingly poked my shoulder.

\- No, but for example Beethoven. I haven't seen yours yet in music, maybe your sheet music is more readable than your letters.

\- I have to disappoint you, they are worse. – He laughed out. – I am mostly sketching, so my compositions are just as messy as my soul and mind.

I wanted to comfort him, so I patted his back without a word. This emotional insecurity was so hard to be gotten rid of, and I had a slight of fear that he won't be able to completely get rid of it ever. A hint of self loathing and disgust will be always present in his soul, no matter how much I love him and try to show my love for him. His life before was so traumatic and he received too much hatred before to be able to fully understand love and accept it without fear of I will completely disappear from his life one day. But at least my goal was to explain him the best I could that I loved him no matter what, and I was determined to make him learn to love himself too, the most he could.

I lined a ton of papers for him that night. It gave me some kind of pleasure that I was able to make nice looking empty music paper without messing up the spacing between two lines or draw ugly lines. I liked to do it, so I offered him I would do it for him if he needed. He delightedly and thankfully accepted my offer, telling me that my presence was needed more and more for him every day.

\- What would I do without you? – He wondered out loud.

\- All I do is the dishes and now the paper. Otherwise I don't really help.

\- It is not about that. – He snapped suddenly, being a bit of irritated that yet again I did not get the point. – Spiritually. – He added much kinder. – You… you give me everything I needed and I don't feel I deserve it, to tell the truth. But… but you… you are… - He took my hand and looked deeply in my eyes, knowing he can't word his thoughts, but hoped his eyes will explain everything.

I was so happy. Erik rarely told me I was needed, and he did not tell me he loved me since his confession in Hungarian. I knew he did not feel comfortable about expressing his feelings, so I did not want to force it on him or nag him about it, but to be honest I wished if he reassured me more about how he felt towards me. I was always the type of seeking for love and reassurement, I was many times afraid deep in my heart that I bothered or annoyed the people close to me, and so I needed others to tell me it was not so and they liked me. I loved to inform my favorite people about how I felt, and I would say "I love you" to Erik as well, on different languages, maybe too many times. He would always nod, and nowadays smile as well when he heard it, but the most he said was "Same." And even that was only once. I know that men usually don't open up so easily and with Erik it was even more complicated, but it was at least a good sign finally.

After that one time when he went shopping, I was allowed to accompany him on shopping tours and we walked in the snow. The only difference was that the walks were shorter than in the summer as he did not want either of us to catch a cold. He was just through one, and he was worried I might suffer from another hard case of lung infection. He was worried he would lose me in the end the last time, as he later admitted.

One day while our walk lasted, I suddenly had an idea. I wanted to play. I slightly stayed behind him as he walked further, and I picked up a handful of snow to form a snowball. Smiling, I aimed and threw it at his back. When the snowball hit him, he stopped and froze in place. He lifted one of his hands up to touch his face, and looked around in fright. He turned around and looked at me with so much pain and questioning in his eyes that I instantly dropped the newer snowball penitently and walked to him.

\- Erik what's wrong? I wanted to play with you.

\- Play…? – He stared at me with disbelief. – By… throwing ice at me?

\- Snow.

\- Same. – He shook his head.

\- Erik, I am sorry, I…

\- People throw… stones and ice at me… all the time. Mostly I don't wear the mask nowadays… and I thought… for a second… that I wasn't wearing it now. I checked it.

\- Erik if I knew… I would not have… sorry. It is just a silly game. May I hug you? Forgive me please.

\- You would… never… never hurt Erik. – He said with a rather strange intonation, it was dripping from insecurity. The poor guy wanted to convince himself, rather than he told me.

\- I would never hurt Erik. – I reassured. – I am sorry I made you think…

\- Hug me. – He said softly. – Please.

I put my arms around his side and stroke his back comfortingly. I felt he was trembling, I hoped it was only because he felt cold. Oh poor poor unhappy and insecure thing.

\- I am sorry.

\- It is… all right. Please don't throw things at Erik unexpectedly. He… he is just afraid of people's hatred, which he often meets as things being thrown at him. Erik does not like snowball fights... sorry about ruining your game.

\- Oh Erik… I am the one who should be sorry. For causing you stress. Yet again.

\- You meant well. But you have to… understand… Erik hates surprises. Especially surprise attacks. Many things were thrown at him out of "fun" as well. Teenage groups… at night… drunk… like to throw bottles at him for example. Or… it also happened I got hit by a half pair of shoe. And the worst… isn't even that.

\- Why, what can be worse than stones, bottles and shoes…? – I asked softly.

\- A knife. – He shrugged. – It missed me though.

\- In Persia? – I thought Erik was referring to his past as an assassin, maybe some of those Persian guys wanted to murder him…?

\- No. – He shook his head. – Here in Paris.

\- Why? – I gasped.

\- A man got upset I accidentally touched the arm of his wife with my elbow as I passed them. Looking at me in the fake nose was enough to cause him a sudden outrage that 'Death' had touched his wife. He wanted to protect her.

\- What is this, I pray, fucking Middle Ages?

\- Stop cussing, especially in Christmas season. You will have to confess that later. And people never change. Only time does. Inventions are made, new continents are being explored, but a monster remains a monster.

\- You are not a monster… and it is super sad, you know…?

\- Welcome to my world. – He sighed. – If you live with me, you slowly have to accept the fact that the world is not always beautiful. Especially not to those with some kind of deformity or disability.

\- I already know that. I just keep hoping it will get better.

\- It won't. – He said simply. – You have to get used to cruelty. You have to be stronger and tougher. Don't trust people, they will hurt you.

\- I trust you though.

\- Yet I did hurt you as well already. See?

\- You changed a lot. – I stubbornly reasoned he still had a reason to love himself and trust others- just as I did.

\- Oh, you little Pangloss. – He shook his head and took my hand in his gloved huge hand to lead me home.

He using a metaphor from "Candide" to describe my constant and unbreakable optimism was both sad and funny to me. Pangloss was the hopeless idealist in the novel, with a constant unbreakable optimism, which did not leave him in the worst of situations either. Erik considered me just the same kind of person and I could feel he partially felt sorry for me about it. From his life experience, he already knew that people like me got and will get many slaps from the world in many many situations and he already knew he wasn't able to save me from all of them _._

I know he is right in a way, but whatever happens I love him, and will do my best to make his tortured soul find happiness and peace as musch as he can. For example, at first I am going to show him what a real Christmas is like.

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 ** _25_** ** _th_** ** _December '81_**

 _This Christmas season passed so very fast, as it never did before, as I remember back. I used to hate this holiday so much, more than anything on this world. I used to be a Scrooge, finding nothing in this day to love. It only made me think of how terribly lonely I was and I tried to forget about the fuss the most I could. To ignore its existence. The first somewhat normal Christmas in my life was last year when I tried to celebrate it as everyone else to please Christine and as an attempt to turn back to God after so many years of utter atheism._

 _This year though, I could say this Christmas is even better, and I state it is the best one I ever had, and the first completely normal one. I had a cute little companion in all these weeks to help me get in the mood and have preparations. I knew she will receive something, but at first I did not want a huge fuss about it. One present for her and a nice traditional French Christmas dinner I prepare. That's all. Of course, as I imagined it was nothing like reality with such a child as Juti._

 _At first, she got all hyperactive and excited about decorations. Well, I decorated the house last year for nothing, I had to admit, as I did not have any guests. Now she was here and she loved these kind of ornaments so much, because she was a child really. Why not to make her feel at home, as it was indeed her home, my cold underground prison, at this time. I decorated the Louis- Philippe room mosly, as it was her room and should she look at these laughably ornaments mostly, but I also placed many in the dining room and the main salon. I changed the candleholders in my room to the more fancy ones, other kind of rubbish was strictly forbidden from there- until she had other plans of course. To be honest I had to laugh at her as she found it a good idea to put a ceramic angel figure with a lyre on my mantelpiece, along with a small Christmas card with her round and small lettered cursive, saying "The Angel of Music visited us". I did not like the Angel of Music topic before as it reminded me too much of the painful scenario with Christine, but I found it strange I did not feel the urge to tear the card in pieces any longer upon reading those words. It even made me smile._

 _She often disappeared for hours, and acted as she was hiding something. Knowing what a holiday was coming, I figured out she was planning a surprise for me, so I just ignored her preparations, acting like I noticed nothing, and hoped it wasn't something major. I don't like surprises and as I hardly ever received gifts, I feel uncomfortable getting one. I always feel I did not deserve it, and… anyway I don't know how to thank them. I always seem like I am not happy for the very few things I receive, and I act rather awkward upon getting something. I did not want her to see me as I open a gift." May it be a kiss, please" I would often pray._

 _She also showed me a beautiful recording of traditional Christmas songs. She explained me she owned the selection on audio cassette as a child, and her family would always play that cassette on Christmas Eve during opening gifts and dinner. "Side A" was made of Traditional Hungarian Christmas songs and "Side B" contained various classical masterpieces like "Ave Verum Corpus" by Mozart or the second movement of Vivaldi's Winter. The orchestration of the songs was so enchanting and beautiful that I can't help, but I felt some strange kind of warmth in my soul whenever I hear them, and I sometimes had to turn away to dry my eyes. I decided that I was going to just use the selection as background music while we have dinner to bring back her childhood memories. Other than listening to thse songs I often played her French, Italian, German and English Christmas songs on the violin, and she adored that. She started crying from happiness when I started to play one of the Hungarian songs from the cassette. Oh what a little sweetheart…_

 _Another great activity we shared was I read "A Christmas Carol" by Dickens out loud for her in the evenings, which she was absolutely fond of. She could not wait until it was time to start our daily ritual and would carry the book for me to my armchair, so I did not even have to stand up to get it. I was spoiled, too much, since she appeared in my life. She was fascinated by my acting skills and the fact I gave another kind of voice for each character, many times using my ventriloquism to entertain her even more. She asked many times if she may record me either just the sound or moving pictures by her phone, but I always said no to that. Thankfully she took no for an answer, yet she tried to ask again, if I might change my mind later, but I did not. She often sat very close to me, in a reachable distance, for eacmple on the handrail of my chair or at my feet, but I did not like if she was there, so I always asked her to sit anywhere else but there. Once she surprised me by asking if it meant literally anywhere else and when I said yes, she sat on my lap. She never did it before and I felt a bit of uncomfortable about it at first, but had no heart to send her away from there as well, knowing I just asked her not to sit at my feet, and it must hurt her feelings if I ask her to go away. As a few minutes passed, though, I felt better and her presence on my lap and the constant touch did not bother me, rather it did fill me up with warmth. Maybe I did not have to be afraid of physical contact that much?_

 _Originally I did not want her to get involved in housework, but I could not resist when she offered her help with cooking dinner for Christmas. I knew it was a great way of spending time together and I loved to have her around while working. I have to admit she wasn't too much of a help, as she was extremely slow with peeling and slicing vegetables and she was terrified of putting something in hot oil, being afraid she would burn herself, but I still appreciated her help, because she was there. She was the best at mixing fillings and spreading them (and of course at cleaning spoons and bowls of any chocolate cream left), so I just mostly asked her to help with those._

 _I did not have Christmas traditions, and I did not care about how French people celebrated, so contrary to others in Paris opened gifts on Christmas morning, I changed my mind when she told me stories about her childhood and I found out Hungarians give presents before or after dinner on Christmas Eve. It was all the same to me, and it made me happy to know it was yet another small gesture which brings back the beautiful memories of her childhood. So I led her in the main salon, asking not to look, and carefully placed a medium sized box in her hands. She acted like a kindergarten inhabitant, being all excited. I smiled as I knew it was a little trick, and I was trying to picture her reaction._

 _As she opened the nicely wrapped box, there was a smaller box in it, gift wrapped. She laughed and unwrapped and opened that one as well, with the same result._

\- _It will contain a small piece of paper saying "Merry Christmas?"_

 _She asked, grinning. Oh ho, I see you like those jokes. I shook my head though, as it wasn't the case._

\- _Find out yourself._

 _She unwrapped two more boxes, when she found a very small box and she looked at me with surprise and happiness mixed in her eyes. I did not understand why she got surprised when she found a small box in gift wrap, her facial expression gave away that she expected something. If I could not match her expectation she maybe will be upset?_

\- _Erik, is it… so is it something I think it is? – She sounded to be touched._

\- _Depends. – I replied cautiously. – What do you expect?_

\- _Will you ask something when I open it? – She asked._

\- _Ask…? – I scratched my head. – No._

\- _Oh. – I noticed a hint of disappointment in her voice, but she did not lose her interest and unwrapped the small box as well._

 _The small box, when she took the lid off, revealed rosin. She tilted her head to the side, then gave me a small smile, then a laugh._

\- _I told you. – I grinned. – Merry Christmas, child._

\- _Thank you! – She hugged and kissed me. – Merry Christmas, Erik._

 _I was surprised she really seemed to be happy about rosin without questioning my choices. May it be the case she was really happy about anything she received from me just because it was from me?_

\- _Do you like it? – I asked._

\- _I do. I will prize it more than anything as you gave it for me._

\- _What are you going to do with it?_

\- _I put it among my treasures. – She replied with determination._

\- _So you don't wish to see what comes with the rosin?_

\- _Is there something more?_

\- _Yes, but only if you want to have it. – I teased._

\- _I do. – She giggled. – What's that?_

\- _Close your eyes._

 _She obeyed, then I placed the main gift on her lap: the violin case containing her own instrument I bought for her a few weeks earlier. As she noticed what was given to her she lept into my arms, crying and screaming at the same time, hugging me so tight I was slightly afraid she might break a bone in my shoulder. I was yet so happy to be able to cause such a bliss. I have never made someone so happy in my life as I felt. The Daroga once said it was much better to give than to get. Maybe he was referring to this._

 _Yet I became so happy as I received my Christmas gift… yes I got one as well… the most beautiful thing ever. She wrote me a song. An enchanting melody recommended just for me. I haen't seen music dedicated for me yet. I did not think such a thing as I am ever deserved music to be written for him… and she got inspired by thinking of me… I cried and hugged her close to me, knowing that the music she gave me was coming right from her pure soul. And that was an even bigger gift, to have her there with me, to be able to hug her and see her smile._

 _Thank you, God, for Juti!_


	21. To learn to Touch, to learn to Accept

**Erik's diary**

 _27_ _th_ _December, '81_

 _I am so happy still about Christmas and this peace and love we are in, and the first time in my life, I am kind of optimistic about the coming year. Maybe 1882 will bring me happiness? Will she stay with me? I hope so. We shall wait and see and I try not to worry about the coming months. It goes as it goes… we try to hope. Hope was a word I tried to dismiss from my dictionary for a long time but it always keeps returning. Maybe once, I will have a reason to hope._

 _I have never been happier in my life. I can't even say it is like a dream, as I hardly ever had pleasant dreams in my life before, only nightmares or restless few hours I spent in sleep. The only thing I know is if this current one is a dream I don't want to wake up ever._

 _To spend the days with her is better than how I imagined to have someone with me. In my fantasies when I was daydreaming about Christine and our marriage, I did not dare to dream about physical contact as Erik is so disgusting, I did not dare to hope one would be able to touch him without disgust, or allow him to touch her. And Juti does both. I am always allowed and welcome to touch her, and I am still trying to get used to this fact. I don't dare to pet her half as much as she does me, but I try my best to show her love what she deserves. And she pets me everytime she passes me. Oh such a delight always…_

 _Or well… not always. And this is a new thing that freaks me out._

 _I know, I know, I always freak out about something, I start to get utterly tired of myself. I should be thankful that she touches such a monster, such a skeleton, a horrid creature, and here I go, making up problems for myself when I don't have any. Erik should be happy, and still he has problems. Such an ungrateful being he is, he does not deserve love, he feels, as when he receives love he was yearning for, he can't always be happy or grateful for it as he should be. Not even a mother could touch him, yet I read that a mother's love is stronger than anything. How could I expect someone to love me if Mother could not? And she does. And sometimes… I don't… well, I am not saying I don't want to be touched. As it is not true. I do, I enjoy being touched. But… I can't word normally what I feel sometimes._

 _I only thought there will be a person with me to talk to, to ease my loneliness, that I could take her for a walk, watch her walking and living around me, to be able to spoil her with gifts she will like, to be able to teach her, but I did not dream of receiving kisses or someone holding my hand or sitting on my lap. Juti is doing it repeatedly now that I did not protest about it. It feels good, yet I am still not too fond of it. Yes… it is so… mixed. I like and dislike it at the same time._

 _It is too much for me sometimes, I am not used to so much contact and sometimes a strange kind of fear wakes in me and I feel like I don't get enough room and breath. And I would so pull away sometimes when she hugs me, or put her off of my lap when she comes to me sometimes, as I feel like I was going to die, and I need a lot of effort not to panic. Every time a person came to touch me before, they did so for the reason to hurt me. I know Juti does not want to hurt me, but old habits die hard. I got used to avoiding situations of physical contact as much as possible, and I have to force myself to accept it. I know she would be extremely hurt as, on the other hand, I am also extremely hurt if a person pulls away from my touch. I have no heart to hurt one of the kindest human beings to me ever by tossing her away when she hugs me with so much love?_

 _She did not seem to notice my feelings thankfully. I'd die of shame if she saw my thanklessness._

 _It does not always happen, only sometimes. Sometimes when she pets me for more times that day, or wen she hugs me tighter than I would enjoy it at that moment. I say nothing. I don't pull away. It is my stupidity I want to and it annoys me to no end and I force myself to stop acting up. I hope one day it stops and I will be able to enjoy love without this stupidity._

 **Juti's POV**

I always do things wrong. I never think of anything or anyone else than myself and I hurt everyone I love. I think I literally just ruined everything with Erik and he will never ever trust me any more. I was stupid and went too far. Everything was going so well until now. He will never talk to me ever and it is only my fault. If I could change what I did I would. I literally don't dare to go near him right now but I would so ask him to forgive me for what I did. I don't even know what was on my mind when I acted out, it just… happened.

I have a silly hobby to act out scenes of some operas or musicals I love a lot. Erik knows about it as well, because I told him after he caught me on singing male arias to myself while I was alone. Usually I play all of the roles, if there are more lines at the same time, I chose the ones I like the most or which complete the melody the most. Once or twice I showed it to him as well (not often as it embarrasses me a bit that I act with myself, but he refused to be a duet partner to see what I can do) and it entertained him actually. He praised me for my acting skills and that I change my voice enough for male parts.

Well, as he wasn't home this morning, I chosed to entertain myself by singing Phantom of the Opera to myself, acting out the whole thing part by part. I was having fun, sometimes laughing at myself when I wasn't able to hit an extra high note. I knew Erik would be a bit of irritated as he always warned me not to force notes I could not reach, as it was bad for my training.

I was at the Final Lair scene when he returned. I did not notice him at first, as Erik had a habit of walking around as softly as a cat, and I made a lot of noise by singing with full acting anyway. I altered my voice to sound like Michael Crawford and grabbed my invisible partner by the shoulder and I turned around with a spin while I sang " _Turn around and face your fate…_ " when my heart sank with shame and sudden fright as I noticed my slightly annoyed teacher standing behind my back, with arms crossed.

I had no idea how much of the play did he hear, and I gasped, turned bright red of embarrassment, caught in the act, and I did what my silly and confused mind considered to be the best solution for the situation I got in: skip the worst parts he sure would not want to hear and give him affection to ease his pain about the subject I brought up. I looked deeply into his eyes, smiled, then took a few steps towards him, now singing as Christine:

" _Pitiful creature of darkness, what kind of life have you known? God gave me courage to show you you are not alone!_ "

Again, I don't know what part of this seemed all right to me before I did it. Erik, I think wasn't sure what I wanted as he just stood there, sighed deeply and looked at me the same way as he did before when I arrived in front of him. I hugged his neck and he gave me a surprised little glance when I leaned close to him and kissed him on the lips.

No, it wasn't an actual passionate kiss like in the play, but I gave a quite long peck on the closed lips. I never did so before, as I kissed only his forehead or face before. His eyes grew wide, seemingly he got scared of me, and he backed away from the kiss, stretched out both his hands in front of himself to toss me away and protect himself from me, and turned his head away, seemingly in disgust. He walked even further, wheezing.

\- Wha… wha…. What the…? – He stuttered for a few seconds before he wiped his lips off by his sleeve. Suddenly he sent such a glance towards me that he could have murdered me brutally by only this one glance if it was possible. I could see sudden anger, or even hatred…? Why did he react this way? Yes, maybe he did not wish to be kissed this way, but why did he get so hateful?

\- Erik… - I wanted to explain my stupid behavior to him and ask him not to be angry, but I did not have time for that as when he saw I took a few steps closer, he pointed at me and gasped.

\- No… go away! – He protested, clearly on a voice bitter from disappointment and rage, then he turned around and fled straight to his room.

He banged the door shut behind him, and even locked it by key. The wall covered the door again after a few moments, so even the wall separated me from him now. I don't remember this happening before that Erik locked me out of his room. I had no problem entering on that night when he had a nightmare and I comforted him, yet we did not know each other for only a few weeks back then, which was mostly just covered by my illness. Now he found it necessary to lock me out. I understand of course.

I forced myself on him, without thinking, I did not know if he was ready to kiss this way, and I clearly knew he did not want me as a "girlfriend". What made me think it will be a good idea? What? Why can't I act normally as anyone else? Why do I always have to hurt the ones I love?

I think it would not be the best idea to talk to him now, even if I could open the door. I forced myself enough on him for the day, and I just should go to Hell and think about what I did.

I sat down on my bed with my new violin on my knee, gently stroking the G string, sometimes mindlessly plucking on the stings in pizzicato mode to make the softest sounds possible. I was so happy about my violin. He gave it to me out of love and that's how I repay him, to scare him like this. I should have known it will end badly. Just as I looked back in my memories, Erik got freaked out for much less things as well in the past. In the spring, when I saw his face for the first time and just caressed him, he fainted. When I kissed his cheek he got so worked up he literally had no idea how to react other than crying and he needed a ton of time to compose himself enough to go on. And even though I knew all of the above, and the fact he considers me as a kind of child, I kissed him on the lips. Poor Erik, I just hope he recovers…

God… just came to mind… if a simple caress made him faint, what could a kiss on the lips cause? Did the poor guy just suffer through a heart attack because of me?

I had to convince myself many times in my mind that I had to check on him. I don1t understand myself, I am not afraid of him. Then why suddenly I don't want to go to his door? The answer is, I guess, it is too bad to look what I've done. I was sure he would not want to talk, but at least we have to try. I tapped on the wall and as I already knew the mechanism it was easy to have the door revealed. I knocked three times, as it was usually the way he knocked on my door as well. No answer. No answer from him alarmed me a bit, so I swallowed in uncomfortable realization that maybe he was really ill, or in danger. It can, of course, still happen that he just doesn't want to be bothered, and choses not to communicate, but I tend to imagine the worst of possibilities always. I knocked again. Still no answer.

\- Erik…! – I called out softly. – Please… !

He said nothing and I heard no noise from inside. At least he could move or make some noise… he could play music… he did play when I scared him like this to calm himself. One more sign he might be sick… maybe he can't play music. All is because of me… I have to help him, even if he does not want to talk, I have to check if he was all right. I pressed the doorknob, but the door was still locked. Well, I know it was a very impolite thing to do, but I knew another way to enter Erik's room. I had to run to his bathroom and a door linked the bathroom with his room so he could go to the bathroom from directly his room without escaping to the hall. That door wasn't locked. Erik does not think of minor details when he is angry or emotionally worked up, so I entered the room to end up right next to the fireplace.

It was too dark to see a thing, but I was searching mainly for his eyes. As they were glowing in the dark, it was easy to find him by them. I could see no golden burning spots, so I guessed he kept his eyes closed. I did not want to bother him by lighting a lamp, however I knew where they were, I just tried to catch a sound, and paid attention for his breathing. I could only hear mine. God.

\- E…Erik…? - I whimpered. – Please…

No matter how I tried to catch the slightest noise, softer than a whisper, I could hear nothing. I did not care any more, I lit the nearest lamp. The room was completely empty.

What? But he did not escape his room as the door was closed… but might be he used the other way as well, just like me? Or does he have a shortcut I don't know of? Well, at least he might be all right if he had enough strength to leave all by himself. I wasn't sure what to do. I sat down on his couch, crying, and praying to God that he will do a miracle and fix the things I messed up. I loved Erik and did not want him to feel so miserably just because I was a stupid whore. I ended up chasing him out of his own house with my stupidity. Thank you, Juti, for being an insufferable idiot!

I don't know how much time passed. I chose not to look at the clocks in the house in the following time, but after a while Erik's watch he left on the table in his room, did stop eventually anyway, or it already stopped by the time he left I don't know. Old mechanical pocketwatches stopped in every 24 hours if they weren't wound up, as I knew, so maybe Erik either forgot to wind it up (which scenario was highly unlikely as he was obsessed with knowing the time), or he was away for more than 24 hours. It could be the case as I had time to think for a long periods of times, trying to practice the violin to have my mind off of the subject which was bothering me, and I got more and more tired and hungry as I was alone. It was hard to occupy myself and I had no urge to do anything as we went later and later in time. I mostly spent the time in Erik's room, but it was so horribly empty I eventually walked back to the Louis Philippe room and wandered around the house all alone, waiting for the slightest noise to give me hope.

I started to lose hope more and more as there was no sign of him. Maybe he never returns…? What if he went to… do something… stupid…? He could not… But why does he always leave me all alone here in the dark? Once when he went to that woman and he came home drunk, he played this same little play with me. Maybe he will come home drunk again, if he comes home at all? I don't even mind if he is drunk… just I wish him home safe.

I might have fallen asleep while thinking and worrying and silently crying on Erik's couch, as I don't remember how he showed up again in the room. The only thing I know for 100 percent is when I noticed him I wanted to jump up to greet him, but I suddenly remembered back it might not be the best solution to jump in his arms right away, so I did not dare to move in the end, I was only laying there on the couch, curled up, and watched him coming closer.

\- I locked the door. – He scratched his head. – I just opened it. How did you get in? Are you the new Trapdoor Lover?

I was trying to identify the emotions in his voice before I replied, but his voice sounded rather casual. I cautiously asked:

\- Are you angry about it?

\- Just curious. But maybe you came through the bathroom, now I figured out.

\- Yes. – I nodded.

\- And what are you doing here?

\- You… said I… was allowed to come in.

\- Why do you take each question as if I was about to beat you up? – He sighed irritatedly. – I am merely trying to communicate.

\- Sorry. – I sat up, looking at him in desperation. – May I… go closer?

\- Oh come on… what the Hell is your problem? Why are you afraid of me suddenly?

\- I am not afraid. – I cried.

\- Stop crying it annoys me. If you whine like this, then go out.

\- I stopped… I am not. – I tried my best to compose myself enough to talk.

\- So: what has happened?

\- I made you angry.

\- You did, but it is all right.

\- So… you are still angry?

\- It depends. – He sighed.

\- I am sorry I… I did not know that you will be angry.

\- Everyone gets angry when teased. I don't know what such a surprise was for you about it.

\- Teased? – I gasped in shock.

\- Yes. Or did you not do it to tease me…?

\- The Phantom musical was not about teasing you, I just…

\- I know! I did not mean that, but the part when you attempted to kiss me like I was your fiancé!

\- Do you think I kissed you because I wanted to tease you? – I looked at him with disbelief. – How could I do such thing?

\- So you… meant it? – His jaw dropped.

\- Mhm… - I nodded. – I did.

\- You… you sure?

\- I am. – I lowered my head to avoid eye contact with him. The problem again wasn't what I thought it was.

\- Seems like I misunderstood your intent. – He admitted mechanically. – I thought, with your performance combined it was just part of the show, and I got upset you would make fun of my emotions that way.

\- I did not think you would… think that. I was embarrassed by the fact you saw me performing all the roles of Phantom and… I just wanted to kiss you to make you feel better.

\- At first, you could have just told me instead of going on with the play. Like this, it was kind of misleading for me, just as it was not real life, only a roleplay. Secondly, I wish to ask you not to initiate unknown bodily contact with me, especially not when I am confused as I thought all of that was a game.

\- I promise.

\- I have to admit that I am trying to get used to your touch still. I… did not want to tell you, because… I… I am ashamed of me being thankless.

\- Erik, you are not…

\- Hush, please, I am trying to… confess something and… just listen. So, sometimes I feel uncomfortable when you sit on my lap.

\- Why didn't you tell me, I am not going to if it bothers you.

\- It does not… always bother me. But… sometimes.

\- Okay, tell me when it bothers you and I am not going to.

\- And won't you get offended? – He looked at me with worry. – I did not dare to tell you because I know… so of all the people on Earth I know how much rejection hurts. And I did not want to hurt you.

\- Erik, you are not hurting me if you don't want me to sit on your lap sometimes, or you are absolutely free to reject anything you don't want me to do. Love isn't about allowing everything to the other person you know… I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe I was too much sometimes… I can be.

\- Rather I am not used to being touched. It is not your fault. I just… well I just will tell you to stop if you don't mind.

\- Not at all. You should have earlier as well. – I smiled at him warmly, but did not touch him as usual. He smiled as well, relaxing a bit. He went through an uncomfortable confession and it turned out well.

\- I am sorry I caused trouble. – I apologized.

\- You never cause trouble. – He replied kindly. – Erik tends to over react. Well… I am also sorry I left you alone for so much time. I needed time to calm down and think things through.

\- Will you think it as controlling if I ask where you were?

\- I would rather not answer that question, but I inform you I had a place to sleep at if you worry about that.

\- Oh I see. – I nodded. Yes, actually I was just worried about Erik's well – being so I got content with his answer, which fact pleased him.

\- I left because I knew you would want to talk to me, no matter how much I tell you not to, and I was rather angry at you, so I just wished to prevent a situation which happened before. If something like this happens, don't panic. Erik returns eventually when he managed to calm down. – He explained. – It was for your own good.

\- Erik, I would never… never mock you. – I said softly.

To be honest it hurt my feelings a bit that he still could imagine such a thing was possible.

\- I know it with my mind. – He replied composedly. – The problem is that a person has a heart as well, other than a clear mind, and Erik's common sense refuses to work when he is upset, mostly. You know well that I am touchy. I try to overcome it, but it is not easy and I act before I think.

\- I tend to be the same way, with talking out loud.

\- I know. Maybe, if it wasn't impossible, I'd say you inherited it from me.

\- Maybe it is not even as far- fetched. Can't I be a great-granddaughter of yours by a chance? – I giggled.

\- I highly doubt it. For more reasons. At first you look nothing like me, thank God.

\- But we have a lot in common. Musical talent, sense of humor, determination, being both of us caring and protective of someone we love, touchiness, impatience, mood swings, stimming, and love for word jokes. Maybe I just inherited your inner spirits… toned down a bit with passing generations.

\- And how should that work out, knowing that fathering a child requires a special kind of activity…?

\- Which activity you admitted you do regularly. – I pointed out, grinning.

\- Well, "regularly" is a bit of an exaggeration. – He snorted a bit of annoyance. – And well, I doubt I ever fathered anything that way. I would hope so at least, that I did not.

\- Would you not want a child? – I asked, sitting down next to him.

\- Who would want to give birth to a child of a monster? – He shook his head. – And even if he finds a blind and mentally challenged woman that will agree to have a baby with him, and that thing is born, and will look like Erik…?

\- Then what would you do? – I got curious. – I write a fanfiction of you with that subject.

\- You wrote I had a child? – He eyed me with suspicion. – With whom? You?

\- No. Christine.

\- Oh… poor Christine. – He sighed deeply.

\- So what would you do? – I returned to the subject stubbornly.

\- Most likely I would just… end its sufferings. – He stood up, looking at me darkly. – Did you write that, eh?

\- No. It was your first reaction though, that you wanted. But you changed your mind.

\- You know me somewhat. Yet I would not change my mind about it.

\- Not even if Christine asked you not to? If she begged?

\- Why do you have to torture me with such painful theories of yours? Can't you be happy for the fact I returned? Do you want me to go away again?

I slapped my mouth with a sudden realization that yet again I was an idiot. I loved to discuss story ideas with my friends, for example Bron, and I just discussed Devil's Little Face's beginning with the original Erik my story was based on, forgetting the fact for a few seconds that he was a human being with emotions, not just a cleverly written fictional character.

\- I am sorry Erik… I am stupid… - I chewed on my nails worriedly.

\- By the way… who needs theories when I do have a child, who looks nothing like me, thankfully…? Hm?

He sat down next to me, pulling me close to himself, resting my head against his shoulder.

\- You… you not mad…?

\- Hush. – He put his long finger on my lips and gently rocked me back and forth to help me with anxiety. – You are my child, I can see that. You act the same way if you are scared. But I won't scare you again. I will protect you from everything.

Softly he started humming to me, soothingly stroking my hair with his long, cold and thin fingers. It would have given anyone else disgust, meeting his cold skin, but he could bring me so much peace and calm I was thankful for. I felt safe with him. No one and nothing can harm me if Erik is here to watch over me.


	22. We can't all be like Christine

The New Year had finally arrived. We did nothing special with Erik to celebrate it, we only had a glass of champagne at midnight and smiled at each other, wishing a Happy New Year to each other. It was so peaceful and I felt Erik was both touched, but he maybe was a bit of insecure about the future. He loved the fact we were together, but did not dare to be all optimistic about the happenings of the next year, so he rather did not a big deal of it.

The year of 1882 with their counting, had arrived. I was so much confused about the time travel issue and wondered if time still passes in the future as it did before. I often thought, especially at this New Year's arrival, that in my time, it would be 2018 already, and I wondered if life just goes on without me, or it is just an alternative Universe and I live my life in 2018 as well. Both were plausible by the sci-fi novels I had met before and I wasn't able to imagine which was more likely. I just really hoped it was the latter, as I felt sorry for more people if I just suddenly disappeared… What Mom, Jeff, Bron, and my dog are doing without me? And my other friends…? I missed my closest ones, knowing I can never see them again as I am stuck in 1882… There were times I did regret the fact I time travelled here, but I never showed or told it to Erik, not wanting to make him blaming himself over it. Yet, as he had these mind – reading telepathic skills, he often sensed the reason behind my mood. He silently sat down next to me on the couch, putting his hand on my shoulder, compassionately looking into my eyes.

\- Does your Mother love you? - He asked once, suddenly.

\- She does. – I nodded, feeling relieved that I did not have to explain anything.

\- No wonder. – He stated. – You are certainly lovable. Would you rather be with her?

\- I like to be with you. – I replied.

\- It was an answer like I give when I don't want to reply to a question. – He said.

\- True. – I nodded. – But I don't want to make you sad.

\- Would you rather go back? Be honest.

\- The thing which bothers me the most is… that I did not even say goodbye and it must be like I died or something. My Mom has no one but me. And there is Jeff… you know the boy I talked about… and I have a best friend in the States. She is my little sister, as I feel. And they know nothing of me for months.

\- I envy you for that. I mean, for the fact there are people who miss you and care about your where- and howabouts. If I got lost forever, no one would blink an eye.

\- I think someone would.

\- Who?

\- Well, me.

\- I meant if you did not exist here.

\- There are others too.

\- Ha! And who they might be, eh? – He laughed out bitterly. – You are the only one who bears my presence.

\- I think there are two people: The Daroga and Christine.

\- The Daroga would not care if I died. He would be happy to get rid of me. Christine might be the case, yes. The only person other than you, but only because you two are simply too good to hate anyone.

\- You are wrong. I hate someone as well.

\- Who?

\- My father. – I sighed. – Or at least I'd describe it as hatred. Now I feel that I would not give him a glass of water if he was bed ridden. And it is hatred, I think.

\- No. Hatred is the feeling when you would feel no regret about killing him in a painful and sadistic way. I felt that many times, I know it. Nd I also know you and Christine are both incapable of that. By the way it is one thing to say you would not give him a glass of water, and would end up doing so without thinking in a situation like that. People say many things they don't really mean out of bitterness or anger. I am at least happy he is out of your life now and he can't harm you any more, yet I am worried you aren't in a better situation with me either. There was a time when I released someone because I loved her and knew she would be better without me. I ask you… would you rather go back from here? Because it is the case, I will search a way to give you back to the time period you belong to.

\- I just wish there was an opportunity to talk to them, at least once, telling them I was fine. – I sighed. – Please figure out how to have wifi connection in the 1880s, and everything will be fine. – I smiled at him, hopefully.

\- It bothers me a bit that you are mostly incapable of serious talking. – He shook his head.

\- I really feel this way. I don't know what I want. The best would be if I went back to the future with you.

\- Erik in the 2010s…? Oh no, child, no.

\- Why? You'd love it. – I grinned.

\- Meh. I am too old to get used to another culture and habits. It is enough if I am an outsider here, but at least I know how to behave in this century and know how things work. Put me in your time and I lose all the familiar routine I am used to, and get more insecure than I am right now.

\- You would learn to handle things faster than you think, and you would live more comfortably. Actually all you would do is just pressing buttons on everything and you can't press wrong buttons because things are written on them in English. You can handle my phone better than I can. You would be a computer and technology expert and addict in less time than you count to two.

\- I have yet to think about this.

\- You don't need to line sheet music paper in the future. – I whispered temptingly.

\- Oh, don't try to get my by laziness.

\- You could 3D model a blueprint… you only need a computer with strong graphic card.

\- Stooop.

\- No more drawing and measuring on paper. By candlelight. With only a piece of graphite. It is messy, isn't it?

\- Juti…

\- You could listen to music while reading.

\- Oh come on…

\- Would you not like it?

\- I… would… in a way.

\- So…? – I looked at him with growing hope.

\- I… will… think of it. But as you say you don't really wish to leave me, I might take some time thinking. – He crossed his arms on his chest, semmingly with a hint of annoyance.

No doubt: I slowly started to make him question if he wanted to stay in the nineteenth century or not, if he could figure out how to do the time travel. For some reason, I never doubted his ability to do so. I did not care if it was considered to be impossible, and that it was the late 1800s where people would think me crazy if I told them how I ended up here. Erik was, for some reason, almighty to me. I thought he could do literally anything he wanted to, he only needed to figure out how.

But until he figures it out, everything was good as it was.

If things stay this way…

Well, only one thing was missing from our relationship before with Erik. He never took me to the Opera before, even though we were living under it. He sang a lot for me, and we kept having music lessons, where he did not only teach me to sing any more, but since I got my own violin, he started to explain me how to handle and play such an instrument as I had no experience with any kind of string instruments before, and he enjoyed explaining me music theory and discussing ways of composing a piece, but he never ever showed me a real opera night as I secretly hoped him to.

In my life I was at the Opera only once before, in Budapest yet, with my secondary school class. We watched Madama Butterfly by Puccini, and it was a matinee on a Saturday, over 10 years before, when I was only 17. I enjoyed it a lot, and I always wished to see something else as well, but I had no more opportunity coming my way. I thought that Erik will take me once, but he showed no interest about going up and watch something. I did not dare to ask him directly about it, but once, as he was totally a mind reader, he explained that since Christine left he did not watch an opera and does not even want to in the future as he feels now. I may go alone, he does not forbid it, as I am a grown up woman, and my own person he does not have a right to control, but I should totally leave him alone about it and he does not want to hear the details after I return.

I understood Erik's bitterness about the subject, and I guess I would have acted the same way if I was through such happenings as he was, so I did not bother him about my wishes, yet I chose rather not to go to the opera alone. It wasn't fun that way, and to be honest, I was a bit of afraid being caught in box 5 without Erik, and I would have no idea how to disappear from that awkward situation. So the only way I could watch a performance remained the same: I owned a version of Faust I downloaded from youtube once- the one opera and nothing else. And of course, listening to my playlist of Mozart arias. Magic Flute was an absolute favorite.

Yet, one evening, when I was about to take my earphones out of my ears and turn off my phone for the rest of the evening, Erik stormed into the Louis- Philippe room and excitedly grabbed my shoulders. Before I could take the earphones out, he did it for me, which was crazy. He never came in my room without alerting me first and moreover he would have never put his finger in my ear. He looked so happy and excited it was funny and alarming at the same time.

\- What is wrong? – I asked, half smiling, half astonished.

\- Nothing. – He sputtered with excitement and ran to the dresser to take out my gala suit and lay it on top of the bed. – Get dressed.

\- What for? – I looked at him in disbelief.

\- Opera! – He pointed at me. – Just hurry up. I have to get ready.

\- It will take two hours, so I have the time to get dressed. – I giggled.

\- Half an hour, or I will leave you here! – He yelled back from the hallway.

Wow. I doubted Erik will be able to get ready to go in only half an hour, but he did. I still wasn't able to figure out how to tie a bow- tie though. I did not dare to tell him, but I tied my shoes differently than other people as well because of my eye problems, and this bow – tie was just too much for me. He found me all ready, except the tie.

\- God, come here. – He sighed. – If we arrive late because of you, I make sure you will regret it.

It was a tone he did not use with me since my illness at the beginning of our relationship, so I was surprised to hear it. I found it a wiser idea not to argue with him about it, but passively wait for him to tie that bow- tie for me. Yes, I am such a loser.

I don't remember the way up to box 5. I guess we just hurried too much, but it was still strange. Erik did not seem to bother anymore with me. I sat down next to the chair he was in, but he did not notice me, and the strange thing was I could not reach his hand, no matter how I tried to stretch out to pet him. There always seemed to be a plus chair distance between us, even though I sat right next to him.

I got sad about Erik's sudden lack of interest and distant behavior, but I was happy to be at the Opera with him finally. I looked at the stage, being curious of what we were going to see. The orchestra was still tuning, but Erik said nothing. He was too busy, looking at the stage, seemingly he could not wait for the opera to start.

When it did, however, I was utterly surprised that they did not start with the Overture. When the accompaniment started, I recognized the Jewel Song from Faust. It wasn't until the second act, so I understood nothing of the concept. But I did not have the time to think too much of the chronological order, or the lack of it, as the singer on stage started the aria, and only when she lifted her head, I saw that face yet again, which I hoped not to see ever in my life. And oh that performance… she was, of course, perfect. Too perfect. I have never seen a video ever on youtube where they sang this ridiculously difficult aria any better than this little songbird. Of course, Erik taught her. I closed my eyes so that I, at least did not have to look at her face any longer, it was hard enough to bear her voice ringing in the auditorium. Oh, they even removed the damned orchestration after a while, and her voice filled every corner of the room, and the perfectly planned out acoustics of the theater had just helped her with that.

I knew she did nothing hurtful to me. On the contrary. She was kind to me when we met, and she seemed to be really a nice girl. I was ashamed I can't be happy for her, but kept comparing myself to her. She was better than me in every possible way, and this hurt my feelings. Not her perfection, but my failure. I knew I could never reach that level, and I will be always a cute little silly second violinist in Erik's eyes, while she will be the absolute diva, the dreams of his life, no matter she was married or not. Why did she had to return? Why did she had to give a goddamn concert?

Erik, of course, paid no attention to me at all. He was literally drooling over Christine, staring at the stage constantly, and I bet he was daydreaming about married life with her. Oh, what a gentleman you are. Weren't you taught about it was impolite to drool over other woen in a lady's company? Can't you see how much it hurts my feelings? Can't you at least spare a glance my way? Erik…? His chair now was even more distant. When I reached out, I could not touch him, and now I somehow ended up being two rows behind him, where I could only see his back, and I sat there, like an abandoned dog, in the darker side of the box.

Erik…!...

When the play or what ended finally, Erik stood up and graciously walked next to me and passed me without a single word, as I was just an umbrella he forgot in the box as he had much more important things to think about. I stood up and walked behind him through the secret passageways which seemed to be so long, so dark and so narrow. Coldness touched my whole body, I was nearly freezing. He did not wait for me as he normally did, I had to hurry after him to catch up with his tempo, which was not an easy task with his long les and the ability to skip two steps at the same time. He was whistling that fucking Jewel Song.

\- Erik, wait!... I am getting tired…

I was wheezing as I tried to run after him, but he was further and further away, whistling, could not hear me because he was whistling and having fun. I used one of the trapdoors to get into a somewhat better position compared to him. I jumped down to the level Erik arrived to, and finally could catch him.

\- Erik, STOP!

\- Uhh huh! – He looked at me with surprise. – You… you here?

\- You took me to the performance, yes. – I sighed tiredly.

\- Oh. Yes, I did, I guess. Um, well, what is your opinion…? Wasn't she… marvelous? – He added on that sickeningly sweet intonation.

He never used that about me, only her. He never looked that way, he was drooling, his eyes were full of adoration and… he just was disgustingly in love.

\- Good enough. – I shrugged.

\- Meh, you are just jealous because you can't sing that beautifully as an angel.

\- Yes, true. But I will once, you are teaching me. – I tried to sound determined and self- conscious.

\- Oh no. – Erik shook his head. – You will never sing like that.

\- What? – I gasped.

\- I teach you, true. – He said, with a hint of compassion. – But you lack the talent SHE has. She is the best and most talented singer ever, she is a miracle.

\- And ME? What about me? – I asked desperately.

\- You? Well, you are a pretty good low middle- class talent. You are not the worst, but not the best.

\- But then why did you keep telling me I was good? – I nearly started crying because of his sudden evil confession, which sounded painfully realistic.

\- I was happy you are constantly in my heels. You adore me like a mindless little dog, following my path, believing each little lie, like the one "I love you."

\- Don't you… don't you love me…? – I whispered brokenly.

\- Why would I? You have no personality to love. You are a puppet! HA! I control you! YOU exist only for my amusement!

\- You love Christine more…? – I sniffed.

\- But of course! But it is not your fault. You are a good puppy. But you can't be like Christine… you will NEVER be like her.

I got suddenly all furious. Belittling and lies were something I never tolerated. I jumped in front of him, losing my mind, screaming and I kicked his knee by full force. It was his left knee he told me was sometimes in pain, as it was broken to pieces once in his youth, and he sometimes had trouble walking if weather changed to cooler suddenly. I don't always harm others when I am angry, but when I do, it is because I can't find other solutions. Erik, of course, got all furious as well, grabbed me by the neck and the next moment I felt a kick on my back, and landed on the ground in the dark.

Looking around, I realized I was again at the cellar in which Erik locked me up when he found me injured and he hated me. Or… he did not even like me, as it turned out. He was such a great actor, making me believe I was worthy of his love, and that he liked me… I bet Christine and him will end up together. Maybe he already went back upstairs and took Christine down to the house and she will sleep in my room. Which is hers. I am going to die alone in the cellar but I don't even want to live if Erik thinks like this as well. No one other than my Mom, Jeff and Bron loved me in my life, but maybe Jeff and Bron did not know me enough, and the Mom's job is to love their children, no matter how much a loser they are. I slowly put my head down and waited for slow and painful death… crying.

I gasped and sat up in bed. I looked around, and desperately turned on the gas light next to the bed. Yes, it was the Louis- Philippe room. I was in my bed, dressed in sleepwear, and the clock showed 3:25. Did Erik take me back here, or it was just a nightmare? I hurriedly got up, I could not stay in bed after such a bad feeling took me over, and I just did not know what the truth was, I needed to find it out and calm down. I knew that Erik was most likely asleep and I would not have bothered him under other circumstances, as I did not do so earlier either, but I was like a scared child who needed comfort from the only person she had around. He knew that I could only count on him, and yet he was in the same situation a lot in his earlier life and no one was there to tell him to calm down, but I hoped he won't be too angry with me for seeking emotional support.

I was still under the effect of the dream I just suffered through, and running out to the hall was a lot more frightening than before. It was unusually cold, or so I felt. I opened Erik's bedroom door and knowingly jumped down from those two stairs at the entrance. I could hear Erik was sleeping, so I got a bit of calmer than before. Suddenly I felt it was a mistake to run in here in the middle of the night, and I should not wake Erik up just because I had a stupid nightmare… well I will tell him in the morning… it is not that urgent. But it was so uncomfortable thought to cross the hall again and walk back to the Louis- Philippe room and go back to bed… alone. I was still tired, yet I did not want to go back to sleep. I sat down on the edge of the couch Erik was sleeping on. He was thin so I had room to fit there too. I took some deep breaths to relax and compose myself until I feel well enough to go back to my room and forget about this stupidity.

\- God, will you… stop this, oh come on, how on Earth…? Wake up, girl! What the Hell…?

Sleepily, I yawned and tried to turn to the other side, but I heard some cusswords as I was trying to move my foot. It got stuck and I just mindlessly was trying to shake it out of the place it was in.

\- Stooop! – Erik sounded rather annoyed. – I will get it out just stop kicking.

\- Whaat? – I yawned.

I felt he caught my ankle and freed my foot, so I did not kick any more.

\- You are trying to undress me in your sleep. – He remarked grumpily.

\- Me? How? – I opened my eyes, looking at him. We were both on the couch. It seems I fell asleep there.

\- Your foot somehow got in my pant's waist and you were trying to kick them off of me. – He moaned, then yawned as well.

\- God, I am sorry. – I have to admit, I giggled a bit, imagining the situation.

\- I can see how sorry you are. – He remarked, teasingly. – What are you doing here? Why are you sleeping with Erik on this small couch, eh? Why are you sleeping with him AT ALL?

\- I am sorry, Erik, I had a nightmare and I did not wish to be alone.

\- Dreams are just dreams, they are not real. – He sighed. – But… I can understand you. Yet I don't wish to sleep with you, especially not if you keep doing this.

\- I won't again. – I looked at him with worry. – Please let me be with you.

\- What made you so upset? – Erik sat up, taking my hand. – I am sure it is not a common nightmare.

\- Erik, are you sure Christine isn't here somewhere?

\- Why would she be here?

\- Wasn't she performing here…?

\- She was, nearly a year ago.

\- But now.

\- Oh, shut your face, you know well she left.

\- And you don't love her more…?

\- So that's the problem.

\- Mhm. – I nodded.

\- Oh dear, how can you be jealous of a girl who left WEEKS before you arrived?

\- She might have left the place physically, but she might still be here. – I pointed at his chest.

\- You little poetic girl, you hopeless romantic, oh you clingy little child.

\- You told me in my dream that I was like a dog who follows your path. – I cried out.

\- Oh God, stop crying, I don't know what to do if you cry, I hate to see it.

\- Tell me I am not a worthless thing and you don't only teach me out of pity and that I sing somewhat well.

\- Your self esteem is lower than Erik's. That is certainly an achievement. Oh, come on.

He kissed my forehead and hurriedly reached out to the table for his handkerchief he lent me.

\- Here, stop crying, will you? I love you, and you are a talented little girl, you sing just fine and you are learning to play the violin in a great pace, and you are a nice companion, really.

\- Do you really love me…?

\- I do. – He kissed my forehead again. – What should I do so you stop crying, hm?

\- Sorry, I stop…

\- Oh, well… come with me. But you have to know it is only for… well the rest of tonight. – He looked at his pocket watch, then took my hand and led me to the Louis- Philippe room.

\- You stay here? – I sniffed, half surprisedly, half hopefully.

\- I will. But! That side is yours. And this side is mine. And you shall not pass this border. – He halved the bed by a huge pillow and pointed at me. – No coming here and taking my pants off by your foot as if you do so, I will tie you to the bed. – He added with a small laughter, but shook his finger at me threateningly.

\- I don't know how I did that.

\- Me neither, but you won't do it again.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- Are you angry about that?

\- Not really. – He shrugged. – Just got surprised. Waking up to this was a bit of unexpected.

\- Sorry.

\- It is all right.

\- Erik…?

\- What is it now?

\- Are you sure you want to do this? I mean…

\- I will be fine sleeping here if you don't try to climb on my side and if you actually LET me sleep at all. – He turned his back to me, giving the sign he wanted to sleep already.

\- Okay… but… Erik…

\- One more time you say Erik and I am going to put you to sleep artificially with the amount that will knock you out for two days straight. At least I am going to have some silence for a time. Ehhh… what is it?

\- I love you.

He turned back to face me, reached out to pet my hair and nodded.

\- I love you too.

\- Good night. – I smiled and closed my eyes with relief.

\- Good night. – Erik replied and turned off the gas light, as he was able to reach it.

\- Erik…? – Something came to mind which was still bothering me a bit, so I risked calling out to him one more time. I just hoped his threatenings were as usual: he would never do so.

\- Yeees…? – He moaned impatiently.

\- Will you teach me the Jewel Song from Faust?

\- Did Christine sing that in your dream? – He asked back.

\- Yes.

\- It is a very hard aria for you yet, but I will teach you something nice, I promise.

\- Thanks. – I smiled and closed my eyes again.

\- Don't worry. You don't have to be better than Christine for me to love you. I love you no matter what.

He gently patted my hand and stroke my face before turning back to face the dresser. I took a relieved sigh and fell asleep peacefully, knowing I had nothing to be afraid of.


	23. Help me say Goodbye

**_Erik's diary_**

 _11_ _th_ _January, 1882_

 _Last night's episode with Juti made me come to a decision which was bothering me lately. I have considered to take these steps earlier as well, but for the reason I am absolutely unable to let go of the past, and cling to various objects and memories from those few people I have ever loved in my life, I kept clinging to them now as well, and maybe this is what Juti feels and fears deep down in her heart. She is afraid I still love Christine, and I love her more than how much I love Juti._

 _To be honest, I don't know what to feel and think, still. I of course, do love Christine. How could I not, when she changed my life and made me be able to feel emotions other than jealousy, anger and hatred again? How could I not, when she is an angel and an honorable young girl? But now I have to accept she is with the young man and they are happily married. I shall let her go completely, as I have nothing to do with her and I have nothing to expect from her. She returned the ring as well… the ring._

 _It is still in my pocket. And I have no idea what to do with it._

 _And I love Juti. I am sure about that. The only thing I am not sure of, is, considering my luck, or to be honest, lack of it with women, should I rather keep those three steps of distance with her and act like I felt nothing serious towards her, constantly fighting my thoughts, feelings and … and yes, honestly: desires, or should I just stop fighthing and let my feelings take over me and allow things to happen, saying "it goes as it goes"? Will I not make her miserable, possibly if I let her close to myself? And not only that, is the problem, but to be honest, I am afraid of courting her openly. For more reasons. At first, I have to admit I have no talent in it. I don't know what I am doing and am extremely awkward while I am trying to impress a girl. My stupid and not enough thought out plans with Christine… For example which the idea of taking her to my room and showing her my coffin sounded good to me? I will never understand why I did that. I don't even realize if I do creepy things which might disgust or frighten my partner. And that's where my other fear comes from. Falling in love again, just to lose her too. I was so trying not to fall in love and act as a father to her, which, I know well, I am now failing at._

 _I can't keep up to my expectations. I can't make up my mind. I don't want to cause suffering to any of us. She is so sensitive, and emotionally unstable. She was unloved and is afraid of accepting compliments. Just like me. Having a monstrously hideous, old, half crazy, antisocial, extremely short tempered and jealous bossy serial killer as a lover might not do her any good. I nearly destroyed Christine. She was so pale and frightened all the time and I refused to acknowledge it, forcing her to accept my crazy ideas of love. I can see it NOW. Back then I could not. And being extremely selfish, I admit: I don't want to disappoint again. I don't want to chase false hopes and dreams, knowing it won't be good for her to be with me, and I won't like it either._

 _She used to have a family and friends. She is needed and loved by people. And she is now stuck with me, in the past, and she does not really belong here, I know. I should not keep her here, but I feel like I can't go on with my life if she disappeared. Yet I know I should figure out how to send her back. But… I can't. I need her here with me, and am too selfish to release her. Yet I am not sure if I could accept her emotions._

 _I know well that she needs someone as well that she could love, and that I am the only person with her here she trusts (why, I don't know), and that shewould be so happy if I said ONE encouraging word to her about our relationship turning deeper. I now understand why she asked if I was about to ask something when I gave her the rosin's small box on Christmas Eve: She mistook the small wrapped box as a jewel box, she, for a split second, thought it to be a wedding ring and she was curious if I was going to propose._

 _I can't believe this beautiful young talented girl REALLY wants this monster to marry her. Marriage between us would not have so many difficulties as one might think. All I had to do would be getting proper documents for her, which would prove her existence before the wedding, and as I have had many aliases and fake personalities with lawfully checkable papers, I could easily do it for her as well. I only had to provide a birth certificate which is dated for her real age right now, so we could pretend she was born 28 years ago. She does not even have to give up her Hungarian heritage. I have enough money to support ourselves, and I could always get money if needed. With the human mask I could apply for a job as well. It is not the problem, but her imaginary life._

 _I doubt she even KNOWS the concept of marriage or thinks that things weren't going to change if I happen to make her my wife. Maybe she thinks as I did earlier with Christine: with her dollhouse scripts in her mind, she imagines I will take her out for walks, we kiss, we hug, and we have a wedding at the church and live as we do now. This is what I wanted with Christine as well, and did not dare to yearn for more. I would have been the most content of all man, and the happiest if I could have received such a pleasure. But now… since I had that dream I would most certainly rather forget, where I saw her body without anything covering it, and it was so realistic, I could have just reached out to touch her bare skin… and since that shameful fantasy I linked love and desires together… I know I could no longer separate the two and in a marriage I would most certainly ask for marital rights. And this poor child shall be never ever touched by a monster on that shameful and dirty way. At the beginning of our relationship, I was actually glad she wanted to dress like a man does. I thought that fact might help me not to see her as a woman, and I don't try to imagine her body. Oh how terribly wrong I was… Male clothing helps only a little. If I get in the mood, nothing changes the fact she is a girl and when I close my eyes, I see her naked, and that is where Hell starts._

 _On the other hand, she is not repulsed by my face and no doubt, for some strange reason I fail to understand, she desires my presence and clings to me, and seems to adore me, or look up on me. Why on Earth she would feel this way is beyond me. But it is true. She never got disgusted of me. Not the fact how I eat, yet it was such a disgusting sight for mother she never let me eat at the table in her presence. I don't understand how my lip deformity does not bother her, and she even saw me sneezing, which must be on the list of the five most disgusting things ever seen by humanity. And yet this little silly kept worrying over my well – being instead of just vomiting by the sight. I am not sure how she does that. I am repulsed by my OWN face as well. I would so throw up whenever I see it. And she kisses me without a mask or nose._ _Repeatedly_ _. I love to be with her. She is so cheerful and charmingly talkative most of the time that I can't help but smile more and more in her company. I did not know it was possible for me to smile so much. I would never give it up for all the treasures of the world to be with her. And I would so want to spend the rest of my life with her. If the aforementioned problems with me did not exist. IF. But…_

 _Well… there is something still I can do about our relationship and I will do my best to make her feel better. Her nightmare about Christine broke my heart, that is why I finally, against my intents and principles, I did sleep with her in the same bed, which was hard for me, knowing I wasn't allowed to touch her, and I wanted to separate her from me for her own good. To calm her after that vision, I fought my desires and needs. I want to make sure she feels safer with me, and does not doubt I love her in a way, and I wish to show her she does not have to be afraid of Christine's memory._

 _I was thinking about how I could show her that. At first I considered showing her this journal, where she could read about my feelings and thoughts, but I changed my mind after rereading my entries a few months back. When I met her, I did not use the nicest words to describe her and to keep distance I kept referring to her as "it" or "body" or "subject". Just the best solution to calm a girl with low self esteem! And to be honest I'd sink in shame if she read that entry which was written on that day… when I hit her. I briefly confessed her the reason, but as I thought it might help to write my feelings out, I detailedly described the dream I had about her and it is certainly not a reading material for young virgin girls, especially not for a girl like her._

 _AND SHE IS TOO CURIOUS NOT TO TURN THE DAMN PAGES BACK THERE._

 _And she can read my cursive pretty well._

 _That, I bet, would be the first entry she would read. I know her that much. Moreover, I don't wish her to find out the fact I do write a journal. Maybe she will get curious of my older entries as well, before she got in my life. Heaven that would be certainly a shame._

 _The chandelier crash, the events with Buquet and… well other things are certainly are not for her. I know she read about those, but it is written in my perspective with my own twisted thoughts and plannings. No one should read the thoughts of a maniac, and she shall never find out how creepy I really am._

 _The other way is to get rid of the things Christine left behind and which remind me of her, so that Juti won't have to "share" the house with Christine's memory, which is hard for me. I keep everything. I kept mother's furniture, even though she hated me more than anything, but I pity her for the misfortune of having me as a child, and I had no heart to throw away her things. I own all the things she found important, and I know she couldn't have existed without these furnitures or books or the Christmas decoration (note to self, take them down finally from everywhere in the house, Christmas season ended you lazy pig), and I kept even those stupid overlays on the chairs. I hate to iron them, as I hate to iron everything, and I considered of getting rid of them for good, many times, but in the end they stayed. I simply can't throw anything away. I have Mother's wedding ring as well, and wear it. Why the Hell do I have to wear it when we hated each other in my childhood, I have no idea. I have heard people wear jewelery of deceased relatives they loved, but I have no relatives I loved or loved me back. Juti wears her paternal Grandmother's ring on her right ring finger as well, yet the poor old lady passed away when she was 4 years old, so she has no clear memories of her, yet she still does not want to get rid of that ring. Well, maybe she can understand with this logic why it takes me extremely lot of effort to do this… but I have to do it for her._

 _Christmas decoration stayed, and will maybe stay until tomorrow. I know I was supposed to take them down on 6_ _th_ _but it is partly Juti's fault I left them up, she loves to watch them, but if it is up to her I don't even have to take them down as I could easily leave them till next Christmas. The fact they are up does not bother her at all, on the contrary, but it is not acceptable for me to have unnecessary and out of season decorations all over, but I have no strength to pack them away right now._

 _I am so tired and emotionally drained._

 _All is gone, all I had from her and it took my mood down to the level of note I guess goddamn A flat zero which isn't even playable on piano, so that is how low I am right now. It was so hard, nearly impossible to empty the bathroom cabinet at her bathroom and throw away the soap, perfume and everything she once used. Also there were still clothes in her room she did not take away, so I had to collect those and get rid of them too. Make up accessories, like powder and lipstick... I hadn't touched those, I don't know what I was thinking… maybe that she will once return to collect them. But… it will never happen and I have to let go of the memories. Posessing these objects means nothing, as I don't possess Christine. It was easier to put her portrait away from the mantelpiece a few months back, but maybe only because it did not directly belong to her ever. I drew it and it did not turn out that well anyway. But even worse and more depressing was to burn the Wedding Mass I wrote for us. I don't like to admit, but I cried while I threw it on the flames, and I am still crying. Thank God Juti is sleeping._

 _By the time she wakes up there will be no trace of Christine's visits and staying in the house._

 _I hope she and I will find inner peace after this step taken._

 _Also, with the thoughts I have, I would need someone to talk to. I know Juti offered it, but I really don't wish to discuss this with her, I would rather talk to a man. If I had a close male friend, I'd tell him, but the closest is the Daroga, who will most likely yell at me for thinking like this and call me a monster and a disgusting creature lost in earthly needs. Even now he is all worked up because of the relationship between Juti and I, and he constantly thinks the worst of me. He already thinks I beat her to death every other day, and if I confess him I have sexual desires about her, he will constantly accuse me I raped her, which is something I would rather not have in my life. I don't need constant accusations in my insecurity. I'd need a man who does not judge me. As I learned earlier, the only people not showing disgust openly at any sin, are… priests._

 _Should I go to confess or what….?_

 _Maybe it worths a try. Not because of I am so religious, on the contrary. Yet, since I tried to be a better person I seriously started paying more attention to religion and God as before – this is why I write Masses, which I have never considered before. Yet God, I think, will not really forgive me for my "sins", not even mainly the ones I committed in Persia, but maybe he is much angrier about that church. Eh, well… people in Normandy should have learned from the fire of London. We don't build important buildings of wood. Period. Especially not if a monster was born in that village who wanted to clear out traces of his existence… it is really not my fault. And they should not have built those 3-4 houses so close to that damn church. Eh… but thankfully this priest knows nothing of it._

 _How I hate my memory…_

 **Juti's POV**

When I woke up Erik wasn't next to me any more, but looking at the clock it was no wonder. I overslept. Maybe because I had trouble sleeping after the nightmare. Erik did not wake me up, and I knew he needed much less sleeping than me. I got up and went to get ready for the day, and I started to realize there were changes going on around the house.

At first in the bathroom there were no small towels with the initials C.D. around the sink. I used those, but I knew they were there for Christne, not me, and it always bothered me deep down. Now I found out the small towel I had was peach colored and had no initials in it at all. I did not know what had happened to the other ones, but I felt somewhat relieved I did not have to watch those two letters in the corner while drying my face or hands. Opening the small cabinet gave me even more surprise. It did not contain Christine's stuff, only mine. And I received a new hairbrush. Wow. The dresser in the Louis Philippe room was filled with my clothing, but not a piece from those extremely slim waist models which would not even fit me, only that perfect body of hers. Did Erik throw away Christine's necessities? Why? God, it warmed my heart, I had to admit.

When I appeared in the drawing room I wasn't sure what to say to Erik. Should I talk about the subject or not…? But as I found out, I did not have to talk to him at all about anything, as he wasn't home. I was left alone yet again. I guessed he might have just gone somewhere to do shopping, or he just needed some alone time. Understandable, as he did not intend to sleep in the same bed with me, and yet he did last night. Maybe he had to get through some emotional issues, which was even more realistic of a thought after I saw he got rid of all the things which belonged to Christine. I tried not to worry over him, so I just went on with my day as I planned. I ate, did the dishes, and then practiced the violin. I was trying to play some scales and easier pieces like "Ah vous dirai-je Maman", and I was quite delighted with the outcome. I planned to play it to Erik after he arrived back, so I worked harder than ever. After a while, he finally showed up, with his hands full of boxes.

\- Hi! – I put down the violin in excitement and ran to help him with carrying the boxes.

\- Salut. Thank you, I can handle them. – He refused kindly. – I am sorry I left you alone for so long.

\- It is okay, were you shopping?

\- Partly. I got you some necessities.

\- Thank you. – I smiled at him.

\- You needn't thank me. – He put down a huge box of chocolate in front of me on the table. – Here.

\- And where else have you been? Sightseeing? – I went on curiously.

\- At church. – He said simply.

\- Chuuuurch? – I echoed.

\- Yes. Those buildings that are for religious people to go and pray at. – He snapped.

\- I know what a church is, but you never go there.

\- How do you know? You know me less than a year.

\- Sorry. I just… did not see you would go there.

\- Not often.

\- And why did you go there?

\- To arrange our wedding.

\- Really? – I got excited.

\- No. – He shook his head, then sighed. – But I am happy to see you got so happy about the possibility.

\- You are mean! – I whined. – I almost believed you. Then why did you go there?

\- Confession.

\- It isn't even Christmas or Easter.

\- What does Easter and Christmas have to do with a confession? – He asked.

\- I read people confess their sins before religious holidays mostly.

\- Or when they commit one. – He pointed out.

\- Oh, so that is why you came home so late! – I giggled. It took a while to list them.

\- Ha ha ha, shall I not forget to laugh… - He moaned grumpily.

\- And what sin you committed?

\- It is none of your business. – He pointed at me. – Isn't it enough I am honest with you the best I can? Why do you have to be so inquisitive…?

\- Sorry.

\- Women. – He sighed, packing boxes on the table.

\- Is this for me? – I inquired, pointing at the chocolate to change the subject.

\- You know well that I don't like sweets. Of course it is for you.

\- What for? – I grinned.

\- Why? Does it have to be for some occasion? – He shrugged. – You like chocolate that is why. Just don't eat them at once.

\- Don't worry. – I nodded. – It is nice of you, thanks.

\- By the way, if you have to have a reason, you received it for the fact you exist.

\- You can compliment me on a unique but funny way. I like it. And what do you wish to receive for being awesome?

\- I am rather awesomely crazy. But thank you for your kindness. – He smiled finally.

He sat down in his chair, opening one of the boxes and getting out same kind of small towels that used to be in the bathroom before. I looked at him curiously. Guessing he was going to give them to me so I carry them to the bathroom, but he placed them on the handrail and again stood up and left for some minutes. He returned with a small baske he put down next to the chair's leg and sat back down. I peeked inside the basket which contained needles and scissors women used for some kind of sewing work. I just realized what he was doing: he embroidered initials in the corner of my towels.

\- God, it is hilarious… - I laughed out unintentionally. My memory returned of my first few days at him, when I imagined him ironing the overlays of the chairs. It was so strange to see Erik doing such a feminine activity, yet I had to admit he did it beautifully, it was nice to look at him.

\- What's so funny? – He remarked, but did not get upset now, contrary to his earlier behavior. He finally learned not to get upset by each little remark and when I laughed at him for some funny event.

\- I did not know you can do this, and it is just a bit of strange to see it.

\- Why? I have no wife, remember? – His voice sounded warm, and he gave a small laugh. – I have to take care of myself. I don't throw out a jacket if I lose a button, believe it or not. And you know well that I can cook as well.

\- Which is a huge luck, considering I am not much of a help with these. – I sighed. – I can't do any of handwork. Not even cooking. I often wonder why I am needed at all by you.

\- I wasn't looking for a maid, but a wife. – He shrugged. – Men who think women are just for cooking and sewing are idiots.

\- And raising kids. – I pointed out.

\- It is not an option with me anyway, so there's no need for such services in my house.

\- And do you still want to have a wife? – I asked curiously.

\- Not really. I like it as it is.

\- Pity. Just imagine what a musical talent our child would inherit. – I joked.

He raised his brows then flinched. I guess he did not really like this remark, so I just looked at him penitently.

\- Sorry. Maybe I should not have said that.

There was silence for a time, yet Erik did not seem to be angry. He was just working for some minutes, then raised his head up to look at me in the eye.

\- It is not necessarily true. No one had musical past or noticeable talent in my family, other than Mother was taught to play some pieces and that she tried to occupy me from making mischief by forcing me to practice. They could be either extremely talented or just slightly musical, and everything in between. I can only point out by full certainty that the child won't be all tone deaf with parents like you and me, but as even the mere thought is frightening, I would rather not calculate the possibility of fathering the next Mozart. Of course, it may vary the possibilities if your family had musicians. Are you from musician family?

\- Not like the Bach's or Strauss family, but several of my relatives showed musical talent.

\- Really? You haven't mentioned this before. – He looked at me with interest.

\- You did not ask before. – I shrugged.

\- Tell me more.

\- Well, firstly my paternal Grandfather used to sing tenor at a mixed choir for decades and they went all around Europe. My mother learned to play the zither on her own and used to play in her teens and twenties. She even won prizes with it. My Mom's mother, according to others, liked to sing and had a pretty good voice and my Grandfather at that side was able to play the harmonica quite well.

\- Do you have his harmonica? Is it that instrument?

\- Yes, he gave it to me when I was about 10 years old, and now as he passed away, I inherited it fully.

\- Can you play it?

\- Yes, a bit.

\- How many instruments do you actually play? I only knew about the piano.

\- Not that much. Piano is my forte. I also own a soprano recorder, but I am not that good with it. And my harmonica which I am better at, but still not very good. And now you gave me a violin. – I grinned.

\- Knowing you often belittle yourself I seriously doubt you are not very good. Harmonica is a pretty easy instrument to play. I am sure you are just fine.

\- Why, can you play it too?

\- Yes.

\- Show me!

\- My hands are occupied as you may have noticed. – He shook his head. – Yet I would love to hear you play.

\- So that I don't talk more?

\- Oh. Are we getting sarcastic, eh?

\- I learned it from you. – I laughed.

\- You don't have to learn and mimic everything Erik does. You mostly learn stupid things from him.

\- Do you teach me to throw my voice like you do?

\- I can't teach you that. I have never met a person other than myself that was able to learn it.

\- Pity. Then at least teach me to do ventriloquism, I want to troll people with it.

\- Oh, I can imagine. – He laughed out. – But teaching a woman for ventriloquism is a bit hazardous you see.

\- Why?

\- Because until that you at least are quiet with mouth shut. If I teach you to do ventriloquism, you will be able to talk with a mouth shut, so I won't have a moment of silence.

\- Says the person who talks even in his sleep. – I poked his side playfully.

\- Do I?

\- You do. Why, did you not know it?

\- No. There was no one to tell me, of course. And what do I say?

\- Different things. You reply if I ask something for example. And when I call your name you will say "Eh?"

\- How often do I talk?

\- Nearly every day when I go to wake you up. The first half an hour is usually our mini conversations when you are clearly asleep, but you talk even before I enter your I tried to make you tell me something you never answer while you are awake, but you did not answer then either.

\- What did you want to know?

\- The tonality of Don Juan Triumphant.

\- Oh. And what did I say?

\- You said "Aucune tone." Or "Il ni y a pas de clé", which as I translated, means "no key signature" so it would mean it is either in C major or a minor, but I think it is too simple for an opera.

\- I replied right it seems as Don Juan really does not have a key signature, but it is not in a minor or C major.

\- Then? – I gasped.

\- It lacks tonality. It is in no key, yet it is in every key possible at the same time. I don't force my music between boundaries mostly.

\- Atonal opera in nineteenth century? Wow. You are totally a guy with new ideas. We learnt atonality was not until early 20th century. You made me curious.

\- I have been using this method since my early thirties or so. Until that I was mostly using minor keys to compose and nowadays I have some compositions that follow the old rules in a way. It depends on my mood.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- Did you throw away Christine's things because of me?

\- Yes. – He nodded.

\- And do you not regret it?

\- No. – He shook his head. – The past needs to be buried and one should look forward. – He sounded much like he was going to convince himself, then cleared his throat. – Well, as you see, I make these towels for you. The one in the bathroom is for you to use until I get these done, and when it gets in the laundry I will embroider that one as well.

\- Thanks a lot. – I smiled.

\- It is your home as well. – He smiled then nodded.

\- Really? – I asked thankfully.

\- Really, you live here for months. And I love you. It is not only my house.

\- Awwww. – I closed my eyes and my heart melted at his confession. – And… what would you like to have for your Birthday? – I asked suddenly, thinking that his Birthday was in the same month as mine.

\- Two minutes of silence. - He chuckled. – Anyway I don't celebrate it. At first, it isn't in the calendar this year, secondly, who wants to be reminded of being older by one year again? I even regret the fact I told you when it is, and you seem to remember.

\- Well, we are going to talk about this later. – I nodded with a knowing smile.

\- As you wish. But now, I would rather like if you played something.

\- On what? Piano… violin…?

\- Harmonica. I am curious.

\- Oh. Okay. – I nodded and went to my room to get the instrument. – I warn you it is not that good.

\- Just play already. – He smiled and shook his head.

I don't really play in front of others. Most of my friends and family don't even know I play the harmonica, so I was a bit of uneasy to show Erik what I was able to play. I played him the Peasant's Choir from Nabucco, which I could play the best, so that he hears something good enough. He nodded reassuringly, many times, encouraging me to continue, and finally I was relaxed enough to play more songs while he was occupied by embroidering my towels. He closed his eyes with a wide smile after a while, and when I stopped playing and because of the weirdly gotten oxygen, I firstly gasped, then yawned a bit, he chuckled.

\- I am going to teach you how to get enough breath for a long time while you are playing. It will also help with your singing techniques. Other than that, I have to admit you play very well. There is nothing wrong with it, yet you know I am rather critical with music.

\- Thanks. It helps you encourage me.

\- I only tell the truth.

Erik wasn't a person who praised others a lot. Also, when he did, he said no superlatives, only the mere facts. He listed my strong and weak spots matter of factly, and finally I felt someone does not praise me too much and tells the truth. I felt I can trust him, and even though he clearly does not want to marry me or accept me as a lover, he still sure likes me more than Christine at this point if he was able to leave that part of the past behind.


	24. No Name yet Too Many Names

Juti's POV

Since Erik cleared the house of Christine's memory I felt much much better about living with him. Finally I wasn't in someone else's shadow and felt much more relieved about my place in Erik's heart. I knew I had no rival any more, which added a lot to my self confidence. I dared to smile in the mirror in the bathroom, and think myself as a good enough girl to gain a man's like. I could still not believe I looked beautiful enough to cause sexual arousal in a man, and guessed Erik only felt that way about me for the reasons because a) He was usually starved out in this way and maybe any kind of woman could turn him on even if she was ugly as a witch, and b) maybe his imagination could not picture me correctly without clothes, and I was sure he would not get any kind of desire if he actually saw me naked. I was ashamed to think I was considering this in my mind but I could not help. He confessed me something and I wasn't able to get rid of the thought, it actually tickled my ego a bit and looking back at the happenings when we met, I hardly believed we could even be acquitances, let alone close friends. I was so glad I made friends with Erik. If there was wifi and tumblr here, I would totally brag about it to the fandom.

Here came to mind that I had to get Erik deeper into the culture of how a fandom works and I wished him to know about his phangirls.

\- What do you mean? – He turned back with surprise from the kitchen counter while he was making tea, when I mentioned phangirls. – What is a… phangirl?

\- Phangirl is a term used to refer to female enthusiasts of your story, who happen to obsess over you.

\- You are mocking me. – He stated blankly.

\- I am not. – I shook my head. – Many girls love you. I am a phangirl myself, remember? This is how we met.

\- You have read a book and imagine to be in love with the antagonist. You cheer for the bad guy while you just obsess over the fact I am a musician.

\- Well… partly.

\- Not partly. And I doubt any of the phangirls, as you call them, would kiss me without a mask.

\- I did as well. – I pointed out.

\- You are one of a kind. – He placed a cup of hot lemon tea in front of me, and unintentionally stroke my hair. – And I love you. But… - He suddenly straightened up and crossed his arms on his chest- young girls tend to drool over characters in a novel. This is not a new thing.

\- And did fanfiction exist here as well? I mean tht people write stories based of other stories and they do whatever they want to existing characters?

\- I am sure they are around, yes, they just don't get published. As you told me, you self- publish your things over the internet so other "phangirls" like you can read them. They are easier to read and meet that way. It does not bother me if you daydream about me and write your little stories based on me unless they contain scenes which are clearly not for the audience and please don't show them to me. Especially not the one in which I have a child who had the misfortune to inherit my looks.

\- Oh so you remember Mahtab. – I grinned.

\- At least you could have made up your mind about you wanted that child to be a boy or a girl. A girl acting like a boy is just a boy, really.

\- You are reading it, I never told that to you. – I pointed at him, grinning.

\- Ummm… well… - He looked around nervously- I just… wanted to read something that is describing my life with a family. I always wondered what kind of a father I would be.

\- Let's make a baby and try it. – I laughed out.

\- Oh shut up. – He waved in the air. – By the way… how on Earth do you know… CERTAIN things about me you mention in your novel?

\- For example? – I leaned closer curiously.

\- Never mind. – He suddenly changed his mind about the question, but it was already too late to silence me about it.

\- I do mind. What did you ask about Erik, dear, hm?

\- I…. I just… met a phrase in the story which described one of my… pet peeves I never mentioned to you and I wondered how you could know it.

\- Which is?

\- Oh come on… well… the phrase about… me not liking if someone calls me Don Juan Triumphant other than myself.

\- Oh hoooo! Thaaaaat! – I giggled.

\- I am already sorry I mentioned it. – He groaned. – You are mocking me as well.

\- No. – I fell silent and put my hand on his shoulder and looked at him with my apologizing puppy expression. – Don't be angry, please.

\- My, I can't stand if you look at me this way. I imagined, yet I am already immune to emotional manipulation. Women can be so challenging to be angry at. I have to admit I can't stay angry with you for a long time. And I don't even wish to.

\- Well, I am happy to hear that. And to answer your question, I just found that idea fitting to you and I am glad to hear my theory was right.

\- It seems that you know me too well then. I start to be afraid you might read my mind as well, in which case I am even more ashamed of my thoughts. – He let out a small embarrassed laugh and sighed. – And God forbid you shall know about my past from my thoughts.

\- The only mind reader in this house, is you. – I giggled.

\- Thank God. – He sat down to the piano and hit a few accords to start improvising.

It wasn't always a good thing for us if Erik composed. Many times he wasn't a picky person about his companion and would not mind if I watched him while making up melodies, he did not even acknowledge my presence mostly. Yet there were times when he wasn't that easygoing about it, and EVERYTHING bothered him. It was like that at this time as well. He turned back and barked at me:

\- Go to your room.

\- Can't I watch you?

\- No.

\- Why?

\- You annoy me.

\- I am not even talking.

\- But you are looking at Erik.

\- And so what? Do my eyes knock?

\- I can't concentrate on writing if you are here, so I suggest you to go to anywhere else where I am not at the moment.

\- Okay I go to take a walk and won't bother the artist. – I nodded and stood up from the table and walked away.

I decided to go to visit Cesar until my old grumpy genius is working on his masterpiece, his Magnum Opus or something like that. I stole a few sugar cubes from the kitchen not to go with empty hands to my horse friend. We visited him regularly and I loved that cute and clever horse. I enjoyed to pet his neck and mane and I would talk to him sometimes when Erik was like that. Animals were always my weak spot and this was the only thing I missed at the house by the lake: a pet. I used to have my Labrador retriever dog and an orange cat in the future and I missed them very much. My dog was a kind and clever boy, and I always adored cats, and I would so have wanted to own an animal again. These visits to Cesar were to "replace" the presence of an animal in my home. I hugged Cesar's neck, and greeted him happily, to which the horse reacted with happiness which had touched my heart. Even though he only saw me a few times yet, he was happy to see me and seemed to like me. I am not sure if all horses were like that, or I had luck with this one, but he was certainly very kind to me. Maybe he liked the fact that I always brought him sugar or a carrot to have a snack. Yet I hoped it wasn't the only reason he liked to see me for. I told him about my day and my ideas a lot, and tried my best to get enough of the love for animals until the next time I could visit him.

When I spent two hours with Cesar and wanted to get back to the house, I wasn't sure if Erik was in the mood to have me back with him yet, so I decided to take a shorter walk in fresh air until dark. I was yet afraid of the dark, and being January, it came too very fast for my liking, but until that I still had a bit of time which could be spent with a stroll.

It was snowing and it was a bit of chilly, so I rather did not start playing in the snow as if my clothes get wet I will have to walk in the cellars for another rough half an hour in wet coat, which is a very easy way to catch a cold. If I get sick, I am sure Erik will bite my head off, so it was something I would rather avoid.

As I was walking I suddenly noticed I wasn't alone. On the bench next to me, which I wanted to pass, there was a small animal I noticed from the corner of my eye. It jumped on the bench and crossed it, then landed next to my foot. I just noticed it was following my path. I looked at it, and saw it was a cat. I got so happy to see a cat, as I misse my cat so much and I hoped to pet it at least, so I leaned closer and called to it. The cat walked to me, which surprised me as my own cat nearly never showed up if I called him.

\- May I, perhaps, pet you by a chance? – I smiled and reached out to it. The cat did not leave, so I was able to pet him and finally pick him up in my arms. He did not protest, he was relaxing in my arms, and within time as I was walking home with him, started purring.

I melted at the sight of this purring furball in my hands, he was soft, had a gray-white fur, and huge greenish yellow eyes, and a pink nose. He could not be older than a year and was thin. Poor little one, I am sure he did not have much to eat lately. I instantly fell in love with him and I knew I wished to keep him. I wasn't sure if Erik will be angry, but he stated he could not stay mad at me for a long time and maybe if I ask him nicely…

When we arrived home Erik was no longer in the dining room at the pianio, and regarding his earlier state of mind, I wasn't sure I should bother him with the cat. I just walked to the kitchen to give him some milk to eat at first, as I was sure he was hungry. We did not have any less fancy than porcelain bowls or cups, and Erik's silverware, but I was a hundred percent sure Erik would hate to see the cat being fed from one of the silver bowls, so I filled a limoge porcelain cup with milk and put it in front of the new furry companion, who had accepted it with pleasure. I smiled at the scene and took some photos of the cat, partly because I loved to photograph cats, and partly because I wasn't sure if he was allowed to stay more than 10 more minutes after Erik discovers him, and I wished to have at least a photo of him.

\- Oh ho! – I heard my Erik's surprised and displeased snort behind my back a few minutes later. – What, I pray, are you doing with my mother's favorite cup on the floor?

\- Sorry, I am going to wash it. – I assured him.

\- And what is THAT? – He pointed at the cat.

\- A cat. – I stated matter of factly. – Isn't he sweet? – I smiled hopefully.

\- Might be to someone who likes them. – He shrugged.

\- Why… don't you? – I inquired.

\- I am not too much fond of cats. – He crossed his arms on his chest. I already knew his body language enough to know it indicated annoyance.

\- So he can't stay? – I asked softly.

\- I thought you only wished to feed it. Keeping it wasn't in my mind the least.

\- I thought if maybe we could… have a pet? – I started hesitantly.

\- Why would Erik have a pet? – He snorted. – Does he not have enough work to do, eh?

\- You don't have to work with him if you don't want to. I am fine with taking care of him completely.

\- So to see clear you wish to keep an animal in MY house. I even adopted you and you now adopt something else…?

\- You said it was my home as well. – I pointed at him with a bit of hurt intonation. – Or maybe you did not mean it?

\- Yes, but I did not encourage you to take in pets. Why do you think I did not have them when I used to live alone?

\- Because… I don't know. You like animals too, don't deny it.

\- I do, but I never wanted one of my own. They require way too much fuss for my liking.

\- You don't have to take more care of a cat than of me.

\- Stop comparing yourself to a stupid cat.

\- Cats are way more intelligent than most of people think of them. They just can't be ordered around like a dog. You are much like a cat as well. This is why I love you, partly.

There was silence for a few minutes, then Erik sighed and turned back to me.

\- You, my child, somehow ALWAYS know what the Hell to say to Erik to make him change his mind about something. You are a master at flattery, I daresay. So: temporarily, the cat MAY stay. BUT if it ruins anything in the house or fails to gain Erik's liking for any other reason, Erik is going to throw that little furball out sooner than you could say no. And I refuse to clean up after it if that happens. The cat is your responsibility as you took it home.

\- Thank you. – I hugged him, smiling happily. – I so wished to have a pet, thank you…

\- Stop with this gratitude, I said TEMPORARILY. Until you regain your common sense.

\- Still, I thank you for giving him a chance.

The cat, as if he knew what we were talking about, walked to Erik, and looked at him for some moments. Erik took a few steps back, just as he was afraid of the animal. I never met a person who was afraid of cats, so I did not think it was the case, but then why was Erik backing away? The cat gave out a purring sound and rubbed up against Erik's trouser leg, which astonished the man to no end. His yellow eyes opened wide as he stared at the small animal loving on him.

\- See? – I grabbed on the opportunity. – He likes you.

\- It is new, cats usually dislike me. – He admitted. – They tend to hiss at Erik, this is why the unsympathy is mutual mostly. I have to admit Erik is rather a horse and dog lover. But… if this cat does not scratch my eyes out I might… consider… keeping it… but it is not sure yet!

\- May I name him though? – I asked, giving him a smile.

\- You might, but don't take him for granted yet.

\- Okay, little Amadeus…

\- No. That name is not allowed.

\- Why? I wish to name it after Mozart.

\- It's my second name. – Erik shook his head. – I took it earlier, so no.

\- What? You did not mention! – I giggled. – You have two names? God, that is awesome!

\- I do not have two names, originally I do not have a name, I already told you, I only took up two names later, though I use the French form of the name Amadeus, not the Latin. – He explained.

\- Amadé? Mozart preferred that too.

\- Yes. – He nodded.

\- That was that "A" standing for in your signature once in a note to me?

\- Yes.

\- And why isn't it your only name?

\- I took it up as an adult already, and I received Erik in my early teens. I did not wish to abandon the name someone had given me out of love.

\- And why did you take that name up if you already had the name Erik?

\- Out of respect. – He shrugged. – Artist nickname. Call it as you wish. So cat won't be Amadé.

\- What is your full name?

\- I have many aliases, as any worthy criminal.

\- Tell me one, please…!

\- Gaston Merier, Marcel Dubois, Joachim d'Hauteville, just to list three.

\- Why do you change your name?

\- Because I am a criminal, of course. Should one of the names found out and get on some posters I have to change the name I give to the public. This is why the name I sign is not the name I tell my "friends" and "family". Only you, Christine, and Mohammed-Ismael know my "real name", which is Erik Amadé. Without a last name preferred, Amadé rarely used, but comforting to have.

\- And what is the name you use for public right now?

\- Alexandre Dechausse.

\- Alex is a nice name.

\- Good enough.

\- And do you know what were you named originally? I mean…you should have received a name when you were born…

\- I did receive one, but nobody used that, and I don't consider it as my own name. The aliases I take up, are at least, made up by me. I like even those more than my original birth name.

\- Do you tell me that one?

\- No. I don't want you to call me by that ever, so it is better if you don't find out. The only thing I tell it is a painfully common French given name for men at that time when I was born.

\- Wait, I try to guess then! And you have to say yes if I guess right.

\- You won't guess it.

\- Pierre?

\- No.

\- Maurice?

\- Would be too easy. No.

\- George?

\- No.

\- Is it paired? I mean something like Jean- Luc?

\- No. It is one single name.

\- Jean?

\- No.

\- Robert?

\- No. Give up, you are not going to guess it. Common names in your time and my time are different. Maybe they don't use it that much any more.

\- Just some more guesses, okay… Joseph?

\- Absolutely not.

\- Wait, wait, maybe some kind of strange name no one uses any more like… Cedric..?

\- Not that, but yes, old fashioned.

\- Oh, so we are getting closer. I try to think of an old French boy name… wait… Thiebaut…?

\- No. Yet I am surprised you are so much tutored in ancient French male names.

\- Writing fanfiction and researching time period does wonders, you know…. Then only one name I can think of still…. It even has a female variant, and I like it a lot.

\- Which is?

\- Bastien.

\- Merde. – Erik slammed his fist against the counter due to surprise and shock.

\- So it means a yes.

\- How the Hell did you find out?

\- Nohow, it was literally the last possibility I could come up with. Bastien? It is not common at all nowadays.

\- It was, back then. – He stated shortly. – And I wish you not to address me by that name ever again if you want to maintain a good relationship with me.

\- Sorry. Yet I have another question.

\- Which is? – He sighed.

\- I want to call you by a nickname sometimes. – I smiled. – And… well I am not sure how to do it with your name. Judit can be shortened to Juti, but Erik is already short enough.

\- And why would you want to call me by some silly nickname?

\- Because I love you.

\- You can love me as simply Erik as well. A tall corpse is not quite suitable for being pampered with shortened cutie names.

\- What if I call you Ricky sometimes?

\- Oh God, no.

\- You don't like it?

\- It sounds so stupid, like I was a Daschhund. "Ricky sit… play dead… good dooog." Yuck what can you come up with…

\- Okay, sorry, was just an idea.

\- All right, but Erik would prefer just to be addressed as Erik, and nothing else. Especially not "Ricky". And I'd be pleased if you kept your creative name ideas to name your cat.

\- I hope your other name is not Wolfgang, perhaps?

\- No.

\- All right, then I call him Wolfy.

\- Good, at least someone will bear your nicknames.

He turned away to leave, but looked back from the kitchen door, and watched me and Wolfy getting to know each other. With another sigh, he softly said:

\- Erik is sorry if he acts extremely grumpy today. He has trouble writing the piece he wanted to compose on and if he has art crisis he is unbearable.

\- Why didn't you tell? – I walked closer, and patted his shoulder. – Can I help you?

\- I am afraid not. – He shook his head and stroke my face penitently. – Only by leaving me to myself and not taking anything I say too seriously.

\- Will do. – I smiled. – But do tell me if you need something.

\- Some brain, I do need, some common sense. – He murmured under his breath while he was crossing the hall to go back to his room.

Wolfy jumped up on the counter behind my back and climbed up on my shoulder, which made me extremely touched. I started petting the cat, and shook my head with a smile and said:

\- Those geniuses, right?


	25. Art crisis

"Art crisis", as Erik called it earlier, was way deeper than I dared to think and was way worse than I had already survived during my life with him. Maybe I don't even exaggerate if I say it was worse than anything I survived during my life in general. I thought Erik will mostly retreat in his room to compose and maybe he will be grumpier than usual, that's what I was prepared for in my mind. Oh if only it was just that!

I had suffered through art blocks as well, so I normally knew what it means, or so I thought. Yes, I was in a bad mood and felt worthless a bit when it came, and I hated that it restrains me away from creative jobs like drawing, writing and music. But Erik was not only in a bad mood.

He literally looked like he was possessed by a demon or some dark force I could not defeat with love and affection. This was the time I learned love is not everything and isn't always triumphant.

I don't know which was worse: the time when he was composing, or at least, attempted to do so, and he literally sank in his thoughts so deep he did not notice my presence, or when he realized he failed to create that special goddamn harmony he was yearning for, and threw such a tantrum that nothing misfortunate object getting in his hands survived it.

He was writing day and night, for days, without a break. Of course, this meant he did nothing else. He was angry enough that he still had to use the bathroom from time to time, so he had to interrupt writing. When he had to stand up from the desk, it was the only time he showed some emotion, which was frustration, and it was expressed by a deep and irritated sigh. He did not wish to hear of any other want or need of his, or anyone else's, or any other activity. No eating, just as much drinking as he will survive, but frighteningly little fluid intake, so he will have to pee even less than normal, he literally just sipped ONE single sip of water in every few hours. No one should and could interrupt him. Piles of sheet music were packed next to him on the desk and he stared down on the paper in front of him without a few seconds of break. When I approached him I noticed he was motionless, his eyes were red from lack of hydration and the endless concentration for so many hours, and he was shaking. I wasn't sure if he was shaking from cold, fear, anger or just tiredness. By that time he was already lacking sleep for three days and nights in a row. I was worried about that fact, as he just took normal sleeping again, a few months back. He said earlier that he was fine being awake for days, but honestly, he looked nothing like that at the moment. His room was cold as he did not even bother to start a fire, he did not care about anything else than music. His left sometimes moved a bit on the paper, but he wrote only meaningless waves or some random shapes like a star or a single note on the edge of the paper. He looked like his brain did a shutdown, it was frightening to see him like that. He sometimes lifted the pen up and chewed on it, or scratched his ear or face, which caused red ink to appear on his face, and it reminded me of blood.

\- Erik… - I tried to call out to him, hoping he will reply. He did not.

He continued sitting there, seemingly reacting to nothing which surrounded him, not even me.

I wasn't worried because of my needs. I was able to take care of myself and Wolfy without Erik cooking for us. I ate the few things I could prepare, or just had a cold meal out of the things we had at home, and I went shopping when we ran out of bread or something, to replace it. I was already taught how to count francs, and Erik did not care about me getting money from him in his current state of mind. I tried to communicate with him even then, telling him I was going out to shop and I took 5 or 10 francs from him, and asked if he needed something as well, but he did not even reply by a groan, like other times when I bothered him. He looked like as if he did not hear it. Maybe he did not. I could even practice the violin right next to him, and not even my screeching, which was caused by wrong bowing, did bother him. Other times, he would send me away or groan about his ears being in pain, but now he did not complain, just as if he heard nothing. Maybe he was just not paying attention to me, but such a noise would at least bring a painful wince on his face before, but his features were unchanged this time, no matter what I did. And this is what alarmed me. I thought Erik went crazy and I did not know what to do to get him out of it. I tried everything I could… I talked to him, I put food in front of him, but I had to throw it away when it went bad by itself, without being touched. I missed Erik, the Erik I met and got to know. This new one, even if he did not verbally or physically harm me, creeped me out way more than if he was yelling at me non stop. To be honest, looking back, I would have loved to have the Erik who hit my head with a wine bottle in his anger. At least he showed some emotions back then, and not just monotonously moved his left hand to scribble. But oh, how I wished later to have this apathetic Erik back when the more frightening part came…

On the evening of the fifth day when Erik was mindlessly sinking into his music without a word towards me or anyone, and I was just trying to survive the day by listening to music with my earphones, I suddenly heard such a thud that I nearly got a heart attack. I put out my earphones and jumed up in fright, thinking that Erik finally could not handle being awake for long, and he fell off of the chair or such. Arriving at his door, though, I saw him standing at the center of his room, wheezing, and as he turned to me, his eyes reflected pure madness. Now I saw what caused the noise though – he just threw the chair across the whole room and it hit the wall by full force. He did not stop it at that, he grabbed the nearest object to him, which was his hat, and he threw it on the floor, angrily jumping on it, then kicked it away, wheezing even more.

\- What the fuck is your problem? – I gasped, not really minding my language due to shock. I have never seen him like that before, seemingly for no reason at all.

He did not reply for a time, he was shaking, wheezing and kicked the objects around him, lifting his hands up at the level of his ears, trying to plug his ears, and closed his eyes. As I could see, he was trying real hard not to explode with fury and madness. He swallowed a few times, then bit his lower lip, squeezing his teeth against his lip and forcing his eyes shut. He took a very deep breath, then exhaled loudly.

\- Stay… away… from me.

It was the first sentence he told me in a week. I was partly relieved he at least, knew who I was, and that I was present in his life, but I still was alarmed about the mental state he was in. He seemed to be so very angry. I wasn't sure of what to do, but finally found it a better idea not to argue with him at that moment. Maybe he eventually calms down at some level.

He kept walking up and down, restlessly pacing in his room, as I heard, but the nervous walking wasn't the worst thing. He started talking, after being silent for days, but the things he said, or to be clear, yelled at himself, did not make me any calmer.

\- You are a worthless piece of shit, and you will never write anything better than just middle class garbage! No, not even middle class, you fool! It is utterly piece of crap garbage that is needed to be thrown in fire! WITH YOU on top! You are a talentless fucking poser.

These, and similar sentences broke my heart, especially when I withnessed him hitting his own head with his fist by full force, and slammed his fist against the desk so forcefully that his fingers gave out cracking sounds. I could not bear to see it any longer, no matter what he said earlier. I jumped behind him and hugged him from behind, trying to restrain him from hurting himself any further. He got surprised, but he did not stop, only for a second, contrary to my beliefs. H etried to push me away from himself, which was surprising and bad feeling. He never wanted to free himself from my hug before. I was trying to get his wrists, so he will stay still, but he dug his nails in my arm to make me release him. He was acting like a caged and frightened animal. He said nothing, only stretched his arms in front of him to ask for personal space.

\- Erik, please, calm down… - I tried to talk to him, desperately searching in my mind for a solution.

\- Leave me. – He whispered, seemingly trying his best not to yell at me, so he chosed rather to speak forcefully too softly. – And NEVER restrain me like that again.

\- Erik, please tell me what is wrong, so I can help… - I begged.

\- You CAN'T help. I can't help myself either, how could you? – His intonation changed to somewhat bitter and broken, and he was rolling his eyes in a strange way.

\- But what is the matter? – I went on, crying.

\- Juti. – He took a few steps closer, putting his hand on my shoulder, he looked a bit more composed now, but he was still nervous. His hand was shaking on my shoulder. – You… keep forgetting one thing.

\- What thing? – I looked at him in worry.

\- That… Erik… is not like… others. Not… like anyone else.

\- I know, you are a genius. – I replied somewhat calmer, being a bit relieved that we could at least communicate.

\- Genius! – He snapped, a bit irritatedly, then burst out in a bitter laugh. He then waved in the air in frustration, kneeling down to the floor and grabbing some papers from around the desk and organ. He returned to me, literally shoving the papers in my face. – Does THIS look like a genius to you?

\- Oh Erik. – I sighed.

\- Just look at them! – He slammed them in front of my feet and hurried away, not to lose his temper.

He knelt down a bit further on the floor and silently stared in front of himself. He looked so broken, the poor thing. He helplessly played with his long fingers and ran them through his few locks of hair a few times with a deep sigh. I started reading the notes a bit curiously, feeling special that I could hold Erik's composition in my hands, yet I knew he considered them to be some kind of rubbish… it was hard to read his handwriting, as the manuscript was many times corrected, some parts were unreadably shaded, but still, the melody I read with great difficulties, was nothing like Erik described it so harshly. To be honest, it was beautiful in my opinion. I lifted my head up after some minutes of sightreading, and noticed my poor old Erik still kneeling on the floor, and he buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and I heard him choking with a painful cry.

\- Erik… - I called out with compassion, walking closer, but did not dare to hug him yet, as he was so worked up earlier. No reply came for a time, other than some muffled sobbing, but after some minutes, he lifted his head up.

God, just now I saw what a horrible state he was in. Those days lacking sleep, proper food and drink had made him look like at least ten years older, he looked like his own grandfather. To be honest, he wasn't the best looking man, of course, with his deformity, but this self- harming made him look even worse. His eyes were full bloodshot, with black patches under them, he was pale, so his otherwise yellowish skin had a fawn grayish blue tint, his hair was messy and stuck to his forehead and neck due to sweat, he was already in need of some shaving, and to be honest his shirt was worn for way too long, compared to his usual habits, and his face, hands and clothes were covered in spots of red ink all over. Softly and hoarsely, he started speaking again.

\- You see… a musician… an artist… needs self – sacrifice… for the sake of… a masterpiece. If I have to write… I can1t overcome the flow of the ideas… I am just a tool… in… God's hands. – He yawned, being utterly worn out. – But… it is not… the main problem, Erik got used to it… One can get used to anything. But… facing… reality… that all of that work… those days of hunger, cold, thrist and… just look, look at me, what I look like, eh? So all of THIS- he gestured around the room dramatically then pointed at himself with trembling hands- THIS was for nothing! Nothing but a piece of SHIT! I wrote nothing major!

\- No, it is in minor. – I tried to joke around with him, as I remembered he used the exact same word joke when I had an existential crisis when I was very ill, but I should have known Erik wasn't in the mood of kidding.

\- SHUT UP! – He yelled at me with his eyes suddenly glowing angrily. – You… you…

\- Sorry. – I leaned closer to him, suddenly kissing his forehead, which silenced the outburst of insults he was most likely considering to send my way.

\- How… how on Earth do you kiss a madman in the middle of a mental breakdown, I pray? – He whimpered suddenly.

\- I love that madman, and wish to make him feel better.

\- I don't know how to feel better. – He cried.

\- Oh, come on. – I knelt down next to him. – What if you are just too harsh on yourself, and what you wrote is great?

\- You just tell me because you like… everything I do for some reason. – He pouted, a bit of insecurely, but I noticed a hint of hope shining in his eyes.

\- Erik, it is true I am not as educated in music as you are. – I started. – I know you learned and studied composing way before I was born and you always wish to accomplish 110% in everything, but… but I like it a lot. And not just because it was written by you.

There was silence. Erik either did not want or did not know how to reply to this. He was kneeling on the floor, motionlessly, maybe thinking, but thankfully he did not cry now. He looked rather apathetic and tired. I looked on the paper in my hands again, trying to read the melody again, hearing it in my mind, and without even realizing it, I started to sing it.

The work contained so high notes, but to my surprise I did not have trouble singing them out loud. Sometimes I still had difficulties with keeping up notes for the correct length, but I tried to remember Erik's advices about breathing, so I did my best in singing. Erik's music was ringing in the air, came to life by a not too perfect, but bearable instrument. I did not know what was so shameful about this piece of music. Way worse things were sold as super hits in my century. To be honest, I thought it a remarkable piece of classical composition. I did not really like century atonal music in general otherwise, and Erik's'music, or just this one piece had some special dissonance which still made up a surprisingly good to listen to outcome, and this made me totally change my mind about atonality and dissonance.

Suddenly, I heard a tiny gasp as I reached above G6, and just realizing what I did, I put my hand in front of my mouth in awe, not believing my ears what a note I just produced without any problem. Erik excitedly jumped up, coming closer, looking at me in disbelief. At first I thought he was astonished by the note, but after he asked "Does it really sound like this?" I understood he was amazed by his own work's melody.

\- Yep… or maybe even better as I am untrained. – I stuttered.

\- The tone… of your voice… makes it sound better. – He scratched his head, then suddenly slapped his forehead in realization. – Oh, you great booby, that is… that is exactly the problem!

\- Erik, stop insulting yourself.

\- How could I not? – He grabbed my shoulders in excitement, his eyes shining with joy. – Erik did not consider the most important thing while composing and this… THIS is why he felt he failed! He did not think of the voice he was composing for… will make it sound much better than it sounds in his head! As he tried to hear this music sang by Christine, you see. And it did not work! It did not! It did not FIT! And Erik thought the problem was with his music, as Christine's voice made everything sound better. But now… that he heard you sing this piece… now he knows it is not the music which was wrong! It was the MUSE! God, I love you!- He pressed a rather long and wet kiss on my forehead, and hugged me close to himself so tightly I could hardly breath for some seconds.

When he released me, though, his sudden great mood and activity decreased. He stood there in front of me, with his eyes nearly closing, and he yawned.

\- Erik, are you all right? – I inquired worriedly.

\- Yes… quite… I… I wanted to… work on this… a bit more now I know what to do and how. But eh, I feel so tired now that I could continue…

\- Oh, dear. – I smiled at him. – I think it is time for you to sleep, and I think you don't hurry anywhere, right? Now that you know what to do, you could write it tomorrow as well, can't you?

\- I guess. – He sighed.

\- Good. Then just go to sleep, my dear.

\- I… I am hungry. – He yawned and whimpered a bit of like a young child who now has problem with everything.

\- Oh, so you are too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep? – I massaged his shoulders compassionately.

\- Yeeees. – He whined.

\- And? Now what? – I led him to the sofa and helped him to sit.

\- I want to take a bath. – He moaned then yawned.

\- Any more problems? – I laughed.

\- Nothing more. Not enough? – He sighed.

\- I guess. – I patted his head.

\- Don't do that, it hurts. My head, I mean. – He yawned again.

\- Okay, I am sorry. Then what if you take a bath and I prepare you some food while that, and you eat then sleep, hm? – I offered.

\- Maybe. – He replied, already half asleep.

I did not have to bother with making dinner for him though, as by the time I left the room, I heard he was already snoring. With a relieved smile, hoping we were finally through Erik's art crisis, I went to feed Wolfy and go to sleep as well


	26. Mirrored Lesson

My poor Erik was so worn out because of the lack of sleep for so many days that I did not dare to tell him how much did he sleep after. I knew well that he loathed to know how much time he wasted, but I was happy he did rest up finally. It was a long and badly needed nap for him, and I covered him up on the couch with his blankets so he will feel more comfortable. He was always cold, and always needed blankets to sleep, at least two. It was good to see how peacefully he slept, after being so angry at himself, he finally calmed down and nothing disturbed his relaxing. When I covered him up, I leaned closer to him and gently kissed his forehead. At first I was a bit of afraid I might wake him up, but all he did was a deep sigh and murmured something in front of himself with a delighted smile all over his face. He was so sweet and I loved the fact he showed some emotions about my kiss, subsconsciously. Though he still looked like so pale and tired, I hoped sleep was going to help, so I left him to himself.

I wished to surprise him by some food by the time he wakes up, so I prepared breakfast for him, hoping he will like it. He did not come out of the room for long, so it wasn't the best idea to make French toast. I had to eat all not to waste anything of it. Next time I was smarter, just putting butter on some bread and slicing a bit of ham on it, then waited for Erik to show up. He did not show up though, after 24 hours of sleeping, and when I started being worried of him, I peeked inside his room. He was yet again sitting in front of his desk. So, it seems, he wasn't sleeping for 24 hours straight, he did wake up at some point earlier, just did not leave his room. He wore the same clothes, and did not look any much better, just a bit more relaxed. He did not turn to my direction when I entered, however he must have noticed me as he slightly moved when I jumped down from the last step of the stairs.

\- Erik! – I gasped, looking at him. – My, what are you doing yet again?

\- Working. – He replied casually, not looking at me, but at least he spoke now, unlike earlier.

\- Erik, you haven't eaten anything.

\- I know – He shrugged. – I am not hungry any more.

\- How come? – I took a step closer, worriedly.

\- One gets used to hunger within time, not feeling it any more. – He murmured in front of himself, just as he did not pay attention to what he was saying.

\- But why don't you eat now? – I asked totally not understanding the situation.

\- I don't wish to waste more time. – He replied, dipping the pen in ink.

\- Erik, stop this nonsense and eat, will you? – I stood next to him and put my hand on his bony shoulder… maybe it was just a sensation, but maybe it was bonier than usual. – Did you lose weight?

\- It is likely. – He nodded.

He was so thin so even a few kilograms of loss could be noticed easily. We had to stop this nonsense. Erik is continuing just where he had left off.

\- Erik, I wish you to stop this please. – I literally blocked his way by leaning in front of the paper.

\- Oh, come on, I am busy. – He sighed. – I am fine.

\- You are not. – I pointed out. – You haven't eaten in days, and…

\- I have just slept. I am fine. Please. I am so close to the right solution.

\- Erik…

\- Please leave Erik alone. He will eat after he finished. He will do everything after he finishes. He will wash, shave, eat and everything. Just go away and leave me be.

Oh he was so goddamned stubborn. I knew it wasn't good for him to go on like this, and this ws the part of the self harm he was doing to himself. I thought maybe he did it because he wanted to punish himself for being ugly, or something, and he stated last night that he felt he had to suffer for the sake of creating art. But we have to do something to stop this. Speaking to him has no use, I know. Just tried it.

Yet, as I was thinking, I found out a new solution.

There is a way of punishment with children that is used by parents, in the hope of teaching the child what had they done by doing the exact same thing to them, making them realize what it feels like if someone misbehaves with them just as they did to others. Well, Erik is not a child (though he often acts like one), and it won't hurt him like if I kicked him in return for a kick, but I knew he loved me much, and seeing me in a terrible state will make him think.

As I will do just the same thing as he will. Writing music for days without a break. I only stop to feed and care about Wolfy, as I am responsible for him, but other than that, I plan not to eat and sleep until he finishes this nonsense. I am going to compose something worthy, finally.

Easier to plan than to do so. Just a few hours of working resulted in tiredness. And I was also a bit of hungry. I could manage it at this point, but it was a bit of bothering. I drank regularly, but only water, just as Erik. After I finished the first few pages of the symphony I was working on, it was already one after midnight. I was mostly already in bed by that time, and I was working all evening, so I was a bit of tired, but I had to stay awake. I slapped myself a few times to make myself wake up. I pinched my arm, then continued to write. My eyes blurred as I tried to compose more, and when I orchestrated the strings, I noticed I nearly fell asleep on the Louis- Philippe dresser. Who on Earth thought I was going to handle it so badly? The first movement was done by dawn, it was 7:30 in the morning, when I drew the last measure lines on the paper and looked at the score with pride. I needed to take a break, so I stood up to walk around in the room a few times. Looking into the mirror in the bathroom while washing my face to get a bit of more refreshed, did not do me any good. God, I looked awful. I had the same bluish lines under my eyes as Erik did. How on Earth, when I was just without sleep for 24 hours now? Hunger was yet easy to defeat with drinking a lot of water at once, which filled my stomach. I played with Wolfy to stay awake, I fed him, and I held him on my lap and pet him for a time, until I nearly fell asleep with him on the couch. When I noticed my eyes got heavier, I jumped up again and ran around in the room for a few circles. After that, I sat back down to start the second movement.

The thing I noticed was water wasn't enough to supply any more, I was hungry all the time. Yet I did not care, or at least I tried not to. Hunger caused stomach cramps, and I thought I was about to give up and eat, then just act to feel sick when Erik finally decides to give a damn about my howabouts, but well, Erik is a doctor. He can see by a blink of an eye if a sickness is real or not. I wished to be sick in reality. I knew this was going to cause me a few days of illness or some problems, but I was determined to show Erik he was at the wrong path. For his own sake, he has to see me like this.

As I worked on the second movement, an Adagio, I started to understand why Erik said earlier that composing was a man's work. This statement had always bothered me, as he was just being a sovinist, thinking that women can't write anything quality material, and we weren't good enough for the more intellectual work, "only" singing. He did not say it like this, but his intonation when saying "a man's work" made me have the impression he thought so. Now I understood that I did not get his intentions earlier. He did not mean to be sovinist, he was just referring to composing being a hard work, just as working at a construction, which is clearly a man's work as well. Concentrating on harmonies and counterpoint, while taking care of writing an enjoyable melody, remembering all of the instrument's ranges, playing with different emotions while wanting to express them, is a hard mental challenge, especially without sleeping and eating for a long time.

I had to realize I tolerated this much worse than Erik. I wasn't sure if it was because I was a girl, or because I wasn't used to being awake and without food for two days straight, but I could not see the mesures clearly at the evening of the second night. No matter how much I blinked, no matter how I wiped my glasses, I only blinked and yawned constantly. And I was unbearably hungry. Looking into the light of the lamp, it helped me to concentrate more and I bit my lip often to have pain clear my mind and chase away my dullness.

Writing the third movement, I hardly remember anything any more other than the notes on the paper in front of me, and the ticking of the clock. Erik was right, hunger can't be felt after a time… but why am I feeling so dizzy? The tickling sound slowly got weirder, as it was coming from under water. My eyes got blurred, and the sheet music I was looking at was getting distant from me…

When I came to my senses again, I did not know where I was, but in the air I felt something strange, a scent which wasn't the best to word it correctly. It was a smell… of… I did not really feel this smell before, but it was like some old papers, maybe a bit of damp. Old smell. I have never felt this in the house or anywhere else yet.

\- Don't make faces, I know I don't have the best smell now. – I heard Erik's voice suddenly, as something cold touched me. I opened my eyes to see Erik sitting on the floor beside me, checking my pulse. – But at least you woke up, I don't need smelling salts. Yes, welcome back to reality.

Erik put his hand under my head to lift it up a bit, then made me drink a lot of sweetened water from a glass. It felt like he had put a ton of sugar in a glass of water. This liquid felt good to drink for some reson, even though it was unusually sweet, too sweet for my taste, no matter what a sweet tooth I usually had otherwise. It was like a syrup. Even though I was feeling lousy, I noticed Erik looked even more awful than the last time I checked. He was pale, exhausted, thin and still wore the same clothes, covered in red ink, and sweat, maybe this is why the smell. Though the thing that surprised me the most was that he had a beard. I looked at him with eyes wide of surprise, noticing his few patches of facial hair, which was also grayish brown, just as his hair. The most of it was on his chin, but there were huge patches where he could not grow a beard, and he had a small, literally only a few pieces of hair under his nose – hole that is the most he could ever have as a mustache. He looked rather messy, to tell the truth. I did not imagine before that he would show up in a state like this. He was so picky about his appearance usually, only wore the finest of clothes, and bathed once a day mostly, but it happened he did it twice if he got too dirty for his own taste. He even took care to wash the few locks of hair he had regularly, so it was usually soft to touch. And he smelled of scented soap or perfume before, so I did not imagine what on Earth Christine described as "smell of death" in the book. Maybe this? I have never sniffed on a dead body before, so I did not know what they smelled like, but can it be an extremely stressed out Erik (kidnapping a girl must be stressful…), bathing in his own sweat might smell like one, or at least it reminded Christine to that.

\- I am sorry to show myself in this condition to you. – He sighed. – I had no time to change yet, finding you. – Another deep sigh came, then he massaged his temples a bit, as he had a headache.

\- You okay? – I tried to sit up, which succeeded, but Erik gently put his hand on my shoulder to prevent me from jumping up.

\- I am fine. – His voice sounded bitter, and a bit of accusing. – Now, are you satisfied?

\- Of what? – I asked.

\- Showing me that you can be just as stupid as I am. Now what is that you accomplished? Other than fainting and getting yourself in danger? Eh? – He rose his voice with each sentence, causing me and himself a growing headache, so he stopped to moan. – And now I have to take care of you as well, not really feeling well myself either. – He sighed in irritation.

\- I am sorry. – I thought in his situation and felt this plan really backfired. – Erik, I…

\- Hush. – He placed a finger on my lips and looked into my eyes with compassion. – You should… sleep.

\- So should you. – I pointed out.

\- I know. Well… can you, by a chance… get up from there on your own? – He yawned. – I would put you to bed otherwise, and will try if… if you… can't but… well, Erik is not well either.

I felt shame while I slowly got up and reached out to help him up as well, but he shook his head.

\- No, no thank you. Go to bed and lay down. Until that I am here to help if I can.

I went to bed to show him I was well enough, save for a bit of dizziness and tiredness, I could really walk. He nodded, then stood up laboriously from the ground and slowly walked to the door. He was hardly able to stand on his feet. He held the door frame and turned back to check on me for a last time than said:

\- Sleep now. We both need to rest.

He left the room and I put my head on the pillow, to fall asleep immediately.

When I woke up, Erik was still gone. I was alone in the bed and the clock just chimed nine. I wasn't sure if it was day or night, so I got up to check. I was worried about Erik, he looked awful the last time I saw him, and I just hoped he was all right. To my biggest relief, he was in the kitchen, putting butter over some freshly made toast.

\- Just wanted to carry it in for you. – He informed me without looking back.

\- I woke up. – I said sheepishly, not really knowing what to tell him.

\- I noticed. – He did not sound to be happy at all.

\- Are you feeling better? – I inquired carefully, examining him.

As he wasn't facing me, I could not see more, but he wore other clothes now, with a new grayish blue jacket, and as I walked closer to him, I smelled a pretty huge amount of his cologne. Now that he took a bath he used way too much of it to cover his erlier smell of sweat, to make sure I won't be ble to sense it any longer.

\- Yes. – He nodded shortly. He did not say "thank you" as usual when I asked about his health. Another sign he did not really wish to talk to me.

\- I am glad. – I tried to smile at him, but he avoided eye contact as he passed me. He slammed my plate a bit forcefully on the dining table.

\- Eat. – He ordered and turned away to leave. He was walking a lot easier, to my relief.

\- Erik… - I called out, waiting for him to allow me to talk. He did not move any more, but did not turn back.

\- Eat. – He repeated. – Or Erik shall force feed you.

He left without another word, and I was quite hungry, so I decided to rather eat as he ordered- it wasn't a wise idea to drive him into a fit of rage. After I finished the toast and tea he had prepared, I wasn't sure how to react and if I should try to talk to him, but when I walked into the salon I saw him patiently waiting in his armchair. Maybe he wanted to talk…?

\- Come here. – He ordered again, seemingly without any emotion.

I obeyed, walking to him and stood in front of him. He stood me between his knees, getting my left hand, checking my pulse yet again, then he pulled me closer to himself, examining my eyes and my complexion just with a doctor's routine. He nodded, then released me, turned me around and slightly pushed my back to toss me away.

\- Now you may leave. – He added, not too kindly.

\- Erik. – I turned back.

\- Eh? – He crossed his knees while sitting to prevent me from sitting on his lap, and his arms on his chest to lock himself away from touch.

\- Are you angry with me? – I knelt in front of him, to look into his eyes, but again, he jumped up. Yes, I forgot he did not like if I knelt in front of him.

\- Yes. – He snapped.

\- Why?

\- Don't play the idiot, it doesn't suit you. – He pointed at me accusingly. – Because you… how could you? Did you want to DIE? I thought you were happy here with Erik! I thought you loved me!

\- I love you. – I admitted softly, tears forming in my eyes.

\- Then, if it is true, Mademoiselle, why did you want to kill yourself?

\- I did not. – I swallowed.

\- You were trying to work yourself to death. – Erik sighed in irritation.

\- I just did what I saw from you. – I pointed out.

\- That is another cup of tea. You really shall not imitate every stupid thing you see from me. I am used to this. You aren't.

\- It doesn't do you any good. – I started crying. – I saw how you look… Erik… please don't… - As I wasn't allowed to touch Erik for comfort, I desperately hugged a pillow from the couch and cried into it.

\- Are you… worried about… Erik? – He sounded to be surprised. – Really…? Is it Erik…?

\- Of course I am when you don't eat and sleep for days! – I burst out into a sob and squeezed the pillow harder.

\- I thought you did not want to be with me any more. – He admitted, coming closer.

\- Why would I not? – I whined, burying my face into the pillow.

\- Because I am unbearable when I work. – He said softly.

\- I tried to talk to you. – I lifted my head up, seeing Erik walking closer to me step by step. – You just… sent me away… I wanted you to see how it pains me to see you doing this. – I whispered, still crying. – I did not want to die… just to realize what you are doing, so you stoop.

\- I know well what I am doing. – He stated sadly. – This is why I got so worked up. Seeing you on the floor with a pile of sheet music broke my heart. Virtuosity and madness are so close, child. You can hardly see the line separating them. You started to cross it now, just like me. I had crossed it many- many years ago. – He sighed. – I am lost like this. I can't help it any more, I got too much used to this working method, my dear. I will be tired for a few days after… but I am fine. I really am. But… understand please I don't want you to become such a miserable lunatic as Erik is. You can still change. You have just started. Do you know what the matter with child prodigies is?

\- Erik dear, I can hardly qualify as a child prodigy in my late 20s, I am already too old for that. – I pointed out somewhat calmer, but Erik did not seem to care.

\- Anyway, in 20- 30 years, most of them burns out and dies mostly, or turns to be an alcoholic… or worse. Mozart was sent to his grave by the obsession to finish his own Requiem contrary to his illness at the age of 35, as you know. Some of the composers, as you know, turned to drugs or tried to commit suicide, some successful. Erik had worked himself unconscious on the floor many times for the sake of a composition, followed by many days of exhaustion and headaches… terrible ones. I don't want you to follow my path. No matter why. If you want to give me a lesson, you are terribly wrong. I am too old to change and especially not by seeing you doing the same stupid things, it will only make me upset. Don't be a maniac, please. One stupid lunatic is enough in this house, I don't wish to have another.

\- All right. – I sniffed.

\- Do you promise? – He put his bony hand on my shoulder, seeking for reassurement. – I feel I am responsible for you… do you promise…? It is rather rare, to tell the truth that Erik feels responsibility for a human… promise, child that you won't suffer this fate.

\- I promise. – I nodded, placing my hand on my heart to give a bigger meaning to my words.

\- Good. – Erik wiped his forehead in relief. – Just keep your promise. – He added. – Keep it. – He nodded.

\- Are you still angry…?

\- Not any more. – He sighed deeply. – But I have to tell you that you acted real silly now. Don't do it again, you scared me.

\- I won't. – I caressed his head and kissed his forehead penitently. – I am sorry.

\- I am too. – He said and kissed me on the cheek.

\- What for?

\- What for? – Erik echoed with disbelief. – It is Erik's fault you had to go through this.

\- Oh, Erik, it is okay, I am fine…

\- You are young. That is your luck. – He hugged me. – And… besides… Erik is sorry for not being here with you and not paying enough attention to you for days. He neglected you. He is sorry. He… he was composing too much.

\- Erik, it does not matter you neglect me for a time, but you should not neglect yourself like this. You…

\- I am fine. Don't worry about me.

\- But I do because I love you. Erik, let's try out something, please…

\- What?

\- Just take care of yourself. Will you? Only a bit of break to eat and sleep a few hours. Is it too much to ask for?

\- Well… I don't really follow the time when I write. It really can't be sensed, but maybe you have noticed now. I tried to take a break regularly, but music occupies my mind too much.

\- What if I warn you in every few hours… let's say two? Won't you bite my head off?

\- I shall try not to, but two hours are too little. Four sounds better.

\- Let's meet up at halfway. Three. In every three hours you are taking twenty minutes of break.

\- Ten.

\- Fifteen. Fifteen minutes is enough for eating a bit as well.

\- I am not going to eat in every 3 hours, Erik is not an infant any more.

\- No, that is for sure. You rather act like a toddler in his defiant period sometimes.

\- Now are we being sassy, little missy?

\- Erik, I can be as stubborn as you are. Promise me you are going to make compromises. Please.

\- All right. – He nodded. – In every three hours of composing you may interrupt Erik to take 15 minutes of break. He is going to eat some more and rest his eyes for a bit. Other than that he is not going to change anything. Deal?

\- Deal. – I reached out my hand for a handshake he returned. – And I am going to make sure he keeps up to his promises.

\- I could have sworn. Anyway, it is not going to happen as frequently as you might think. Erik rarely actively composes.

\- That is good to hear, less opportunity to torture yourself.

\- I am fed up with writing music now, and as I am finished with the piece I was writing, I am sure I won't be going to compose for months to come. It is enough for me now, don't worry.

\- Erik, may I ask… did it worth…?

\- And your half done symphony? Did it?

\- Well… not really.

\- Thank Heavens I hear you say so, at least you won't attempt such a thing once more.

\- Have you eaten since? – I asked with worry. – You made me toast but you…?

\- I ate the same amount as you, yes.

\- Only…? Isn't it a bit of… too little?

\- Not after fasting for days. You have to be careful, after having an empty stomach for a long time, you shall not have much to eat when you have an opportunity, as you are going to overstrain your stomach, and it is not too great... I experienced it earlier in my life.

\- Oh Erik… thank God it is over now.

\- We agree. – He nodded. – It was tiring. And I am a bit of ashamed to think you saw me… so… well… neglected. It must have been disgusting, my poor dear.

\- Well, one thing is sure.

\- What? – He inquired.

\- I did not think you can grow a beard. – I admitted, giggling.

\- I can, but it is not a normal beard. – He shrugged. – I rather shave it off as it makes me look even worse.

\- I would not say so. – I smiled.

\- You can't mean you like it.

\- I like you in any form. I don't even mind if you have a beard. It did not look bad. Isn't it in fashion anyways?

\- I am not going to grow it back. – He pointed at me.

\- I did not ask. – I grinned. – But maybe I could ask you to show that masterpiece…?

\- I am not well enough to sing or play music. – He shook his head. – I am still tired. And I bet you are too. But… I do plan to make up for the time I spent for only myself. I can't be so selfish, not paying any attention to you for days and not repay you.

\- Repay? – I asked curiously. – What are you planning?

There was a small pause. Erik seemed to think for a few seconds, but after he turned to me and bowed ceremoniously.

\- Mademoiselle, may Erik hope to receive the honor of the ability to accompany you to the Opera?

\- God… the Opera…? Will you take me?! – I gasped in shock and tears of joy were forming in my eyes.

\- I plan to, if you permit me.

\- But of course… yes, yes, yes!

\- Oh, you are so happy about it, just as if I asked you to marry me. – He chuckled.

\- I have always wished to… watch an opera here… but without you it wouldn't be the same.

\- Well, now your wish shall come true, my darling. – He smiled.

\- Now? – I jumped around happily.

\- Oh no, no, no, dear. Tomorrow. Erik is a bit of too worn out to sit in that box for hours to come, and I think you don't imagine your evening with Erik snoring by your side. – He laughed. – And… checking the time… we are already late from the first act.

\- True. – I admitted.

\- But tomorrow, my dear, Erik promises to take you to watch the performance from box 5.

\- Oh, yes! – I grinned. – Umm… Erik… if your composing sessions result in taking me to the Opera out of remorse… well, I might say you could compose more. – I laughed, hoping he will get the joke.

He did, as he laughed out again, playfully slapping my shoulder in amusement.


	27. A night at the Opera

_Erik's diary_

 _1st February, 1882_

 _It is February. Already. How time flows, oh dear, how it flows._

 _This month brings me back bad memories and a small hint of hope I am able to cling to. The bad things:_

\- _1\. On 29_ _th_ _January, last year, the chandelier fell. Erik thought he wasn't going to be touched by the memory, but he is. He tried to forget this… but he can't. Juti shall never find it out how that day happened, oh never. I know well that I had gone too far… but it is too late._

\- _2\. That goddamned Valentine's Day is on its way. Giving me problems. What on Earth shall Erik do with that day? Now shall he give something to Juti, in which case she might think Erik wishes to court her (which is partly true), or just ignore that day exists (in which case she might get upset or hurt). Erik does not want to hurt the person he loves the most, and is with him constantly… He would give her the stars and all she needs or wants. What to do, what to do?_

\- _Same with the Bal Masqué. It is now the 22_ _nd_ _. One week before the other dreadful event, which isn't happening this year, thank Heavens. But the Bal Masqué, sadly, is happening. As I know Juti, she will absolutely wish to attend. It is a big party, a dress up game, she had read about it in that book, she wants to try everything she read there, I know. I bet she is planning her disguise already. She will want to attend and dance… with Erik! Erik HATES to dance. He CAN'T! As it is a masked ball, he does not have to worry about disguise, but of course, may the Devil take it, he has other things to worry about right now. If I don't take her to the ball and don't ask a dance of her, she will be disappointed. She won't show it, but she will be. But if Erik asks for a dance, it will be a catastrophe… I am awkward in this scenario. I had never had a partner to dance with, I know the steps, but nothing else. If I step on her foot in front of everyone I will sink in shame. What to do, yet again?_

\- _And finally: my Birthday. As I said, it is not legally happening, as we are not in a leap year, but she won't going to leave it at that. I know she wants to make me happy, but a Birthday to Erik is something else than she imagines. It brings me back horrible memories, and on every Birthday of mine I just have to face the existential crisis. Why I am still here? Why was I born at all? Why did mother have to put that mask on me instead of just drowning me in my first bathing water? Why…? And WHO needs to be reminded of this?_

 _The only pleasant thing in this month is going to be her Birthday. She is turning 29 years old on the 20_ _th_ _, Monday, just two days before the Bal Masqué. Funny thing is, according to her, she was born on Monday in 1989 as well, so she had started the week well. Even funnier is she was born in the morning, at quarter past six, yet she is the laziest little thing I had ever met so far. If it was up to her, she would sleep until half past seven. As I checked back, I was born on a Wednesday, a bit past midnight. I am thankful for that, as if I was born five minutes earlier, I would have to "celebrate" my Birthday every year. But her Birthday is certainly a thing to celebrate! Finally I have someone with me to gift, to spoil, to love on… And on that special day of her life, she is going to be spoiled by her devoted Erik. A lot._

 _Originally I was planning to take her to the Opera on her Birthday as a gift. But seeing what this little silly had to go through just to give me a lesson, I felt sorry for her and wished to make up for her sufferings by showing her the building and watching an opera with her, no matter which one. Originally I wished to request a Mozart opera for her Birthday from the managers, but it is maybe a better turn of events… maybe they should really forget the Phantom, it will bring me bad luck to get back into my role._

 _I might have been too thoughtless when I promised her I was going to take her to the Opera tonight. I haven't been there since that night when I took Christine from the stage in an outrage, and was half crazy (if not totally…) of jealousy. Oh… maybe it is not the best idea. I am not sure if flashbacks won't bother me, as they usually do, making me unable to enjoy the performance. The chandelier crash and the abduction… Of course, I might tell her I had changed my mind, or tell her to go later… which will never, or really later happen… Maybe on her Birthday, as I planned originally, I still have some weeks…_

 _Promises are nearly always meant to be broken, I used to think. And I would not give a second thought of changing my mind if the Daroga made me promise something, if it suits my mood or the situation better, I would break any promise I had given to the Daroga, or anyone else, to this very day. Anyone else, but Juti and Christine… Looking at Juti, how happy she was, how her face lit up upon hearing the news, it was so touching to see her so excited about the offer. I know that she had long waited for me to take her to the Opera to watch something. She loves music and loves Erik too. Going to the opera to see something with me used to be a big dream of hers. She just did not dare to ask any more, knowing I did not wish to attend a soirée any more after that night, and that I had unpleasant memories, and did not expect I would change my mind about the subject. I still have remorse about what I nearly did with the grasshopper. I love this building, which was built to support the love of my life: music. Music was always my life, always with me to keep me somewhat sane, it was a comfort for my tortured mind and soul, and the only thing which kept me alive and gave me a will to get up at all. It saved me from suicide many times. I was afraid that if I was going to end my life, I wasn't able to hear music anymore, as suicide victims won't go to Heaven to hear the angels sing… oh not that I would, anyway. I am happy that my music did not leave me after Christine did. I am able to sing, play, give music lessons and compose just as before. Thank Heavens. But… I am not sure yet if I am able to bear to see the auditorium again, where everything will remind me of the time I heard Christine Daaé sing._

 _Of course, I could cancel tonight with Juti, or simply mimic a sickness so that I won't have to go. I would not have to act too much, I really do have stomach cramps, just as always when I am about to do something I am not a hundred percent comfortable doing. But… I simply have no heart to be so mean to her after I had promised. It would mean her so much… I can't break my promise. Especially not after she was in such a horrible state because of me. I had abandoned her, not paying any attention to her. Erik would hate to be treated the same way. Erik has to learn how to act towards people. Juti is not a book I can just put on the shelf when I am too busy to read, and will get again when I feel like paying attention to again. I feel remorse about not being with her for long long days, I was a terrible companion. And now the least is I try to make her happy with something I know she will enjoy to do. Even if Erik would not really like it. It is time not to only think of Erik._

 _God seems to be merciful to the old sinner._

 _Upon arriving to the box office today I saw they did not play Faust. Tales of Hoffmann was on program. I haven't relly seen that opera before, as last year on the premier I had other plans… eh, not important. Christine Daaé did not sing in Tales of Hoffmann. Maybe this will make things easier for me. Secondly, box five was legally rented for the two of us for tonight. I had never done so before. I always demanded the box from the managers, but never ever paid for it, because I took it for granted. It was a much better feeling to hold the tickets in my hands._

 _My stomach feels better now as well…_

 _Time for a night at the Opera!_

 **Juti's POV**

I could have jumped around the house by the lake the whole day from happiness. I was so-so happy about going to the Opera with Erik. When he came back to the house in the afternoon, I excitedly ran to hug him.

\- What are we watching my Angel of Music? – I hugged him tight.

\- Tales of Hoffmann. – He smiled, being touched by the hug, thankfully not even getting angry about being addressed as "Angel of Music".

\- That is a great one! – I gasped with glee. – With that extremely hard doll song!

\- Oh yes, I know. – He chuckled.

\- I want to learn it. – I stated with determination.

\- At first, my darling, you should listen to it… as it is performed in an Opera House. Believe me, Juti, no matter how you can always listen to music on a modern device, nothing can replace the experience of hearing it live. – He said passionately. I loved when he spoke about music with passion, he looked so delighted and happy.

\- I can't wait. – I giggled. – Where will we sit?

\- You will be happy: at box five, as Erik had promised you.

I could not reply, I was too happy and I started to cry and hugged Erik tighthly.

\- Thank you. – I sniffed from tears of joy.

\- No, no, dear. Erik thanks YOU. – He patted my back with trembling hand.

When I started to get ready for the night, I decided to put on something else than usual. I always wore male clothing, but that evening was going to be very special. I decided to put on a gala dress Erik had bought me in the first days, before he got to know I felt much comfortable in pants. I wished to wear something extraordinary, to show this night was special and to thank him. We would look much better as a man and a woman than a man and a girl in a tuxedo. The dress was beautiful, looked great on me, and wasn't that much uncomfortable as I imagined it to be. I did not know how Erik knew I loved the color lavender back then, but I was so thankful for it. This was the first time I was delighted about what I saw in the mirror. I wasn't ugly any more…

This fact had given me a bit of hope and bravery to try out make – up. I put on some light colored lipstick, and put some moderate blush on. I looked into the mirror again, and smiled. This was way better. Well, my hair was too short still to make any worthy fashionable hairdo out of it, and I did not have any talent with it either, but I triet to comb it other way than usual, and pinned a single peach colored fake rose on the left side. Having accessories like the glove or the rose, and even the fan did help a lot. They gave much to my appearance. I played for a few moments with the fan, and now I understood how girls were to seduce men with it. Better not to provoke Erik with it though.

Confidently, I walked outside to the salon from my room to show the dress and wait for Erik. I knew he was taking long to dress up, so I had to sit on the sofa, waiting for him to appear. When the door opened and he stepped in, wearing his finest evening suit and the human mask, and when he noticed me, he stopped mid- step in the air and had a jawdrop with a huge gasp.

\- Ummmm… isn't it good? – I asked, really not being sure any more if it was the correct dress to pick.

\- Oh… but… yes… yes, it is, my dear, really good. You look… great. – He smiled awkwardly, then swallowed, blinking some.

\- I… could change if it is too much for you. – I looked at myself.

\- No. Please… please dear, I really like it. It is… just was a bit of unexpected. But you look fantastic.

\- Really? – I smiled.

\- Yes, darling. Erik is very proud and honored to be able to accompany such a beautiful lady to watch an opera.

\- You look handsome in this mask as well. – I stood up and walked to Erik, smiling.

\- T…thank… y… you… - He cleared his throat, then I could have sworn he blushed beneath the mask. – Well… Mademoiselle, may Erik have your hand? – He bowed, and reached out towards me.

"You could ask for my hand to slip a ring on my finger as well." I thought to myself, then smiled at the thought. We walked through the cellars, hand in hand, Erik's hand sometimes shook on mine. I was surprised we went outside to the street for a bit of time, and entered through the main entrance. It turned out it was because Erik wanted to pretend we were coming from outside of the Opera, so that we were not going to be strange. It was a breathtaking sight to see the main Grand Staircase with so many people going up and down on the stairs, and the lamps gave shining golden light, bathing all of the huge building in rays of sunshine.

\- Close your mouth, dear, a lady doesn't go around like this. – Erik chuckled in my right ear.

I sent a shy little smile towards him, still enchanted by the building.

As we walked to Box Five, it was opened to us by the boxkeeper old lady. She was a very old thing, but kind. She wished us to enjoy the Opera, to which Erik replied by an unknown kind of voice. That "Merci, Mme." sounded way deeper and huskier than his usual voice and I looked back at him with surprise. It was better not to ask it right away, but I did not understand why he spoke on this unknown voice yet.

When we were left alone in the box, he stood straight behind the rows of the chairs, waiting. He gestured politely towards the chairs, showing me to sit down.

\- Where are you sitting? – I inquired.

\- It doesn't matter. – He replied on his usual voice again. – Choose your seat, dear.

\- I… I thought you have a usual place. – I said, pointing at the chair next to the column.

\- I do, but it is not important. If you wish to sit there, you may, dear.

I was touched that Erik was willing to give up his habits just for my liking, but I did not wish him to get rid of each of his usual routine for the sake of making me happy. I sat down in the chair next to Erik's usual chair, showing him I did not want to take his seat, but I want to be the closest possible to him. With a relieved sigh he took the seat by the column, and smiled at me. He had his little practices he would not really like to give up for anyone but me, and he was relieved I did not want to take them from him.

\- Why box five? – I asked what was bugging me for a long time. – Why do you insist on it?

\- It is the only box I have connected with the secret tunnels, that is why. I can come and go without entering through the door, just as a ghost.

\- Is that column really hollow?

\- Yes. – He nodded, then tapped on it to prove his words. – I enter through this, and am hiding in it if needed.

\- You are lucky to be able to do so interesting things. – I giggled.

\- You seem to find everything I do so much interesting, while it is nothing more than climbing ladders or tapping on walls.

\- And why did you change your voice before?

\- Madame Giry knows my original voice and I did not wish to hear her screaming around "But he is the Phantom, I knew you did not disappear!"

\- Was it… Madame Giry? – I looked at him in surprise.

\- Yes, she is.

\- That very old woman?

\- That very old woman is at the same age as I am. – He looked at me with sudden displeasure. – Yet... you are right, compared to you… she has a twelve year-old daughter.

\- I did not think she was… in your age. I thought she was older. Sorry.

\- I am old. I am fifty. – He moaned.

\- It is just a number.

\- True. – He shrugged, but wasn't in the best mood. Great, I ruined the atmosphere.

\- And I love you no matter what. No matter your age.

\- Oh. – He smiled finally. – Thank you.

\- When will they have Faust on programme? – I inquired suddenly. The orchestra started tuning.

\- I have no idea, but I will check if you are interested. – Erik shrugged. – But may I hope you won't talk during the music, I don't like it.

\- I would rather concentrate on the opera as well, don't worry. – I smiled.

I knew that Erik thought I talked too much sometimes, he just did not often remark it. He did not really like to speak, contrary to his beautiful voice, and admitted sometimes that he talks a lot more since he knows me, as he has to answer me always. He did not mind it too much though, as he at least had someone to talk to. But he was right- we really should not chat through an opera.

I think, for the first time during my staying in this time period, I did not focus on Erik even in my mind during the first act of Tales of Hoffmann. The music was too good, and I was so much in need of hearing live music. I had to admit that sitting in box five was a great idea. I was able to see the stage just right, and hear the music perfectly. It was enchanting. The Doll Song was also much better than the recordings I heard on Youtube, but maybe because I heard it live. As I wasn't that much of an expert with French, I sometimes had trouble with understanding the lyrics, but thankfully I knew the opera synopsis already, so I knew what it was about. I secretly hoped to be able to sing the Doll Song one day. When the intermission came, Erik politely asked if I was enjoying the night.

\- Very much so! – I cheered. – Thank you for taking me. – I hugged him in a sudden fit of joy, but he warned me not to climb in his neck right now.

\- People can see us from here. – He added.

\- And? – I snorted, a bit of angrily. – No one's here, everyone went to drink.

\- I don't feel comfortable with you kissing me around like this in public. It is indecent.

\- You are such a prude sometimes. – I turned my head away.

\- We shall not cause scandal. – He put his hand on my shoulder. – I am much older than you, people will think it is improper.

To be honest, it hurt my feelings that Erik did not want me to hug or kiss him in the Opera. We were in a private box, everyone else was either in other boxes or the seats under, and honestly, WHO CARES what others do, they concentrate on the music as well, and they have a better thing to do than watching what we do. And anyway, there were couples like us. It was common at that time for an older man to marry a woman in my age. Why is it so important to him what others might think? Is he ashamed of having me around? I am fat, ugly and not decorative enough, he does not want others to think we are together. Well, legally we aren't a couple, for sure. He did not yet start courting me, and I was afraid he won't ever do it. Because he is ashamed of me, he clearly is. How could I have thought of me being good enough for him? I had a sudden déja vu. Maybe it was the dream I had some time earlier. We were at the Opera, and Erik was so distant…

\- What is the matter? – He asked, slightly tapping on my shoulder.

\- Nothing. – I answered.

\- Are you sure? You are too silent suddenly.

"You told me to be silent." I thought sadly. I did not wish to ruin his evening though, or start a silly fight with him. I can't change how he felt, and I did not want to force my own feelings on him. I smiled, as honestly as I was able to, after being rejected, and said:

\- I am sure Erik, I am fine.

"I am sorry for bothering you with my affection." I thought silently.

Erik though, wasn't a fool. He knew well that something was wrong.

\- Are you angry with me?

\- No. Not at all.

\- It wasn't my intent to hurt your feelings. I am sorry if I did.

\- You did not hurt me. – I lied. – I am fine. I just am thinking of the plot. And the music.

\- Good. – He nodded, but reached out towards me, finally putting his hand over mine on the handrail of my chair. He was looking into my eyes for a time. – Szeretlek. – He spat it out, I think, against his will. Why did he confess love in Hungarian if he did not let me kiss him?

\- Really? – I asked surprisedly.

\- Really. – He nodded. – And I am sorry if I gave another impression. I did not mean… only that… it was the first time you hugged me like this in such a crowd and… I… I just… I am just… - He stuttered, petting my face with his shakey hand.

\- Én is szeretlek, Erik. – I smiled at him with relief, telling him in my native that I loved him too.

\- Nagyon... nagyon szeretlek. – He nodded, reassuringly. Giving bigger emphasis to his confession, he repeated "much" twice.

\- Én is nagyon szeretlek. – I smiled, adding that "much" to my statement as well.

\- It is so good to hear… and… did I already mention that… it is so good feeling to hear my name from you? I so love you call me "Erik"… there weren't many people calling me by my name… and you have such a beautiful voice… And… I love even more if you say "my Erik". I love to be your Erik.

\- I thought you did not wish to be my Erik. – I admitted.

He did not directly reply, but after a few moments of pause he asked:

\- May Erik kiss your hand? – He sounded serious, and gently took my hand on his palm. I nodded, and smiled at him reassuringly. Gently he kissed my hand, then each of my fingers, one by one. He then put my hand back on the handrail. I put my hand on his, and he looked at me with a thankful expression.

I wasn't sure if he confessed love and kissed my hand like this just before he figured out I got hurt by his former rejection, but it felt awesome no matter what. He let me sit like that, hand in hand during the second and third act as well. I was never happier in my life. Now nothing was making me sad, I sat in box five with Erik, having a great time, holding his hand, listening to music.

When it ended, and people, including us, were clapping for a long time to say thank you for the performance, suddenly Erik put his hand on my shoulder, and when I turned my head to look into his eyes, he leaned closer. He examined me just as he saw me for the first time in his life, then started smiling warmly.

\- Have I ever mentioned… what a cute little nose you have? … - He asked softly.

\- Well, not really. – I admitted. – Why…?

\- Because it is so. – Erik nodded. – You have a very charming little nose. I… I look at the shape of people's nose… I think out of jealousy… and I really like how yours look.

This was a cute and strange compliment at the very same time, so I laughed out.

\- And your laugh… your voice… it rings in my ears like the most beautiful melodies in a serenade. – He seemed to be serious, yet I was surprised, as he never said such things before.

\- Oh Erik… - I giggled shily. – Thanks.

He took my hand to help me stand up from the chair as he stood as well, then took my by the arm to leave, but he looked like he was thinking about something. With a sudden passion, he turned me to face him, he gently caressed my face with his thumb, then…

He kissed me. It wasn't a real kiss yet, just a longer peck on the lips, but I was happy to have it finally and he felt brave enough to wander away from forehead and cheeks, which he usually kissed.

\- Come, we… have to go. – He closed his eyes in embarrassment, then hurriedly led me out of the box. I did not wish to bother him right away, but I knew he finally gave up his shame and showed me he wished more of me than just friendship. At least I hoped so.

Nothing happened until we reached the cellars. It was Erik's usual territory, where he felt much comfortable, and started to act way more naturally.

\- May I remove the mask? – He asked suddenly. – I am sorry for asking, but… It is suddenly… so hot in here. – He stuttered, explaining his wish.

\- Thank Heavens you don't want to wear it at home. – I giggled.

\- Thank you. – He sighed in relief, peeling the mask off of his face. It was so great to see finally Erik, the Erik I got to know.

\- Erik… - I started on the subject as we were climbing on the boat. – I thank you for this beautiful evening.

\- It was more beautiful than you can imagine. – He wiped his forehead as he sat down. – I thank you for… being with me.

\- Erik…?

\- Yes?

\- The kiss on the box… did you mean it? – I asked.

\- I did. – He nodded in embarrassment. – Sorry.

\- Don't be. – I smiled.

I got determined to ask for more, if he wanted to, so I touched both sides of his face, those sunken cheeks, and I playfully sucked a bit on his thin and bit malformed lower lip, to provoke a passionate "movie kiss" out of him. The look in his eyes seemed to be confused so I pulled away and asked:

\- What's wrong dear?

\- I don't know what you wish of me. – He admitted softly.

\- Oh. A kiss. I mean…

\- I kissed you.

\- On the lips.

\- Just did. – He shook his head a bit confusedly, but after a sudden idea hit him: - Oh… theatre kiss?

\- Theatre kiss? – I smiled.

\- Yes… I mean… I call it this way because I saw it in… plays only. Or… wedding kiss. And I am not sure how to do it.

\- If it worries you, it is my first kiss too, so… don't be nervous. Do you want it at all? We… or well… I did it to you before…

\- I know. – He nodded seriously. - I did not really want it… back then. But now, I think I do… if you want it too. Do you… really?

\- Yes. – I nodded.

\- Well. – He cleared his throat. – Umm… I think they do it… somehow this way…

He slowly approached his face towards mine again, as he wasn't totally sure of how to start it, a bit hesitantly touched his lips against mines, and firstly he again gave a small peck, testing what I say to this. I smiled and looked into his eyes to give him strength, so, a bit of braver, yet still very helplessly he tried to attempt a kiss. For a time he was just tasting around on my lips, while that, I think he had no clue where to put his hands, as he did not hug me as I expected, rather he crossed his hands behind his back just as he was handcuffed. I hugged his neck to make him more comfortable, to see he did not have to be afraid and he could be a bit of pushier. He understood my gesture, because he hugged my waist, and his other hand slowly ended up on my shoulder. He closed his eyes to be able to enjoy the kiss a lot more, and finally he got braver and used his tongue in the end. The first real passionate kiss for both of us, which we both wanted to have. I stroked his hair and shoulder. He moved his tongue around in my mouth a bit hesitantly, and he gave a bit of too wet kiss, I felt like I was licked in the face and mouth by a dog, but it is not a problem, he did not have any opportunity to practice "wedding kiss" yet. We will work on making it better, it was my first time as well after all. He pushed his tongue a bit of too far in my throat in the end, but thankfully he noticed the problem and stopped it, then pulled away to apologize. He was petting my face with the back of his hand, and sighed in delight after the kiss. He looked into my eyes lovingly.

\- I love you Juti. – He sighed and hugged me close to himself, finally admitting his real feelings in the boat, five cellars under the Opera house.

It was a magical place, really.


	28. The kiss and what follows

**Juti's POV:**

We spent a bit of time motionlessly in the boat after the kiss. Our first kiss ever, and I hoped he enjoyed it just as much as I did. I hoped finally we were close enough to each other, I have to admit I always felt some platonic love towards him, even back then when I read the book, and it only got better when we became close friends… and now maybe we were more than friends? Might be I will be Madame le Fantome, truly?

Erik was staring into my eyes, just as he did not believe what had just happened. I was a bit of concerned he will end up losing his mind, just like after the first time I stroke his face or when I kissed his cheek for the first time, but right at that moment he did not start sobbing. His breathing was normal as well, and he did not pull away from me. On the contrary, he left his arm resting on my shoulder, hugging me close. My head was on his chest and I could listen to his heartbeat. He seemed to be extremely calm compared to what we were just through. I hoped he won't toss me away or start to panic, and thank Heavens, he did not. As time passed, I could sense his chest was shaking a bit, and looking up, I saw some teardrops on his face and in the corner of his eyes. It wasn't the old sheer panic Erik used to do after being shown physical affection, he now could handle tenderness easier than before. He still cried, but not out of fear. I did not ask anything, I understood him without words. I did not tell him not to cry, it was no need to ask him to stop his overhelming emotions. We just sat together. Eternity was ours, we did not have to hurry.

After some minutes, though, Erik silently apologized for crying, so he still had some uneasy feelings about showing his emotions openly to me, and to cry in front of me, no matter how many times I had seen him cry before, it still embarrassed him at a point. I knew he hated showing weakness, as he was always afraid of being hurt if he removed his mask, both physically and emotionally.

\- Erik, it is okay. – I said calmly. – I told you already to just be yourself.

\- I don't know how to be myself after a situation which had never happened before to me. – He stated a bit too cold, matter- of- factly. – I can't see what I react to some new situation.

\- Does that thought bother you? – I inquired.

\- No. – He shook his head. – Just… just…

Again, he seemed to get distant towards me. He maybe did regret the kiss? I did not want to talk about it if it was awkward, and also, noticeably Erik was too much emotionally worked up and he needed a few moments to collect his strength to row. He still did not pull away from me, so I was thankful in my mind. It was romantic, sitting in a boat with him, looking at each other, while he was smiling at me finally, after a good 15 minutes of silent crying, and another five or so, when he was just trying to deal with the situation. Maybe was he just listing all the pros and cons of this night in his mind? I felt I needed to thank him yet again, as Tales of Hoffmann was still in my thoughts, and I wanted Erik to relax- maybe this night was a bit too much for him.

\- Thank you for taking me to the Opera. – I said, after a long silence.

\- My pleasure. – Erik sighed dreamily, drying his eyes with his handkerchief. – This was the very first time I went with someone else and I enjoyed every moment. – He smiled.

\- Really? – I smiled with victory. So he enjoys being with me! Seems like he did not enjoy the night with Christine then?

\- The night with Christine at box five… gave me constant stomach cramps and fear while the performance. Fear that I disgust her, and it gave me headaches after. – He admitted. – And it did not end this well, of course. – He tilted his head to the side to examine my face a bit better.

\- Did I think out loud? – I asked.

\- No. I read your mind, just as usual. – He chuckled. – You needn't say a thing for Erik to understand you, mostly.

\- Well, I tell you something funny, still. It was actually the first opera I saw.

\- You've told me before you were to the Opera once in Hungary. – He stated with surprise. – How come then?

\- I was at the Opera in Budapest, yes, but I saw nothing of the whole performance because I received the worst literal place of the whole building.

\- Oh sweet treble clef! – He burst out in a laughter.

\- I was literally looking at a marble column the whole playtime, it was a nice column indeed, but…

Erik was crying of laughter, his shoulders shook and he tried not to laugh at me too much, so he literally chuckled and whimpered.

\- Ahahahahaha! You are a lucky girl, God you are! – He hit his knee in amusement. – You go to the Opera ONCE in your life and what you watch…? A column for hours…! Oh dear… sorry. – He dried his eyes with his sleeve, but was still laughing hard.

\- I told this for the sake of making you laugh. – I laughed as well. – Don't be sorry.

\- What… what was this… invisible opera? – Erik tried to compose himself to speak somewhat without chuckling.

\- Puccini's Madama Butterfly. Not yet written. – I giggled. – A very nice one though.

\- When was this?

\- About 10 years ago. I was with my High School class.

\- Do teachers take students to the Opera? - He looked at me with interest.

\- They do sometimes, they announce the possibility at a music class and if you have the urge and money for it, you may go. The teacher collects the money and buys the tickets for those who want to go, and they take us there.

\- Does it happen a lot?

\- Not really. But as we were musically educated and had more music classes than others, we were taken to concerts a lot more.

\- Concerts… opera… I so wished to attend school… I knew it ought to be… a great thing. – He sighed dreamily.

\- You would have enjoyed it, I think… more than I did, mostly.

\- And when they took you to concerts were you missing from school that day then?

\- The visit to the Opera was a Saturday, so no. Other concerts were usually in the afternoon as well, so we missed only the last two classes mostly, which was mostly a music class anyways. I would not have minded though to skip some classes I did not like.

\- Such as? – Erik inquired.

\- Well… Math, phisics, geography, chemistry…

\- Oh ho! – Erik snorted. – What is your problem with these subjects?

\- Other than me being a total clueless loser with them, nothing. I always failed by Christmas and struggled to have at least an acceptable grade by summer.

\- Of what? – Erik's eyes narrowed.

\- Math. – I shook my head. – I can't multiply two numbers more than 20 if my life depended on it. Unless one of them is 100.

\- It can't be you are unable to count. – Erik blinked. – Can it be you only say so because someone made you think you are bad? Just like with singing? Remember, my dear how you did not dare to sing in front of me. Can it be you just are too hard on yourself?

\- Not really. – I shook my head sadly. – Don't try to find out my abilities in Math. You will be extremely disappointed at the lack of my skills.

\- You sound so very lost again. – Erik looked at me with unhidden pity. – How many fields of knowledge are still there you think you are terrible at, eh?

\- Terrible… with everything which requires me to calculate, which is why I am also bad at physics. It would be interesting without the numbers.

\- Still, I don't believe you are so bad at it.

\- Don't find it out please. – I sighed. – It is a bigger weak spot for me than… your face for you. I am ashamed of it and if you found out how bad I really am, I am afraid, you would fall out of love.

\- It can't happen. – Erik stated.

This sentence made me think. How did he mean it? Did he mean he could not fall out of love because he was too much in love, or… that it wasn't possible to fall out of love he wasn't in? Maybe it was just me imagining too much in a kiss? Mind reader Monsieur, can't you hear me now?

\- I don't know what else to say or do to make you believe I love you if you still think of such things.

\- You are really scary sometimes with this mind reading. – I admitted.

\- Everything you feel or think is written on your face. It is easy. And to answer: I have already told I love you. In Hungarian. I have told it twice just tonight. Erik isn't used to repeating this all over. I tell it when I feel like telling, and when you might allow me to repeat it. I don't wish to say it too often. Maybe I don't say it enough?

\- It is just hard to believe you do love me.

\- Why? – He gasped.

\- Because I am just a simple girl. Nothing special. I am not a prima donna or not beautiful. I am not extremely talented with anything. I am just… nothing special and it is hard to believe you found something to love in me.

\- Do you hear what are you saying? – Erik snorted. – And if we are at this subject: how can a sweet young and beautiful yes beautiful girl like you, love in a hideous, crazy…

\- Erik don't insult yourself.

\- And I ask the same of you. – He put his hand on my shoulder, and looked into my eyes with passion. – Please… Erik loves you for your kind heart and… and… yourself. I love how you speak, how you sing, how easy is to make you happy, how you make Erik feel happy and make him laugh, how you smile… I love everything about you… your musical talent, your creativity,, your cheerfulness, your love for animals and your compassion for those in need, the fact I can talk to you about music and literature and your devotion for the arts… and the fact you love Erik so much.

He looked into my eyes with love, just as at the kiss. It was my turn. I felt I had to confess everything too.

\- I love your determination, your wisdom, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your talent in everything, that you can be so romantic if you want to, you can laugh so nicely… your voice, your hands and so long fingers, your cat eyes, your height, and… many ore, but these are the most important.

\- Are you sure it is love you feel? I ask you… are you sure? You really love Erik… as a man?

\- Yes. – I nodded.

\- Can it be it is really how… how fate is going to…

\- Link me to you or what?

\- Don't come with the Resurrection of Lazarus, please, I am trying to think. – He massaged his forehead, as his head was in pain from overstraining his mind and emotions.

\- I have never heard that stuff. I tried to search it online but it seemed to be a nonexistent piece with no trace. – I stated. – Is it an existing piece, really, Erik?

\- What? – Erik did not seem to pay attention. I loved when he sank so deep in his mind he did not follow my words and he either looked up when I mentioned his name, or poked his side or shoulder. I laughed. He smiled as well, knowing I laughed at his lack of attention and his cluelessness.

\- The Resurrection of Lazarus. It really exists, or just a fictional piece?

\- Existing.

\- Never heard it.

\- I might play it but not now. Anyway… are you sure…? I mean… Erik and… you… and…?

\- If you are sure, I am.

\- That is the matter. – He nodded. – Erik knows he loves you. And you love him too. And… oh, god damn it, I am fed up with the morals and risks of this relationship! I have been thinking this back and forth for months, and it makes my mind explode at some point. Decide, you decide! Do you want Erik to court you? Really? That kiss… implied so.

\- I do. – I nodded. – I am waiting for you to do for months.

\- Good! – Erik totally changed. He seemed to be excited, relieved and happy.

\- So then we are finally a couple? – I grinned, hugging Erik's neck. – May I call you honey?

\- Yes, you asked for it. – Erik grinned. – You get it. Granted. You may call me no matter what, I guess. I am used to any kinds of names.

\- Did you not forget to make it official then? – I asked giggling.

\- Hm? – He leaned closer and gave a small kiss on my forehead. Suddenly an idea hit him and looked at me with growing hope. – Do you… so… would you mind… if Erik… um…

\- Would I mind what? – I smiled a bit of curiously. What request may make him so bashful? I could see he was blushing.

\- Um... Well… Erik would… like to… kiss…

\- Again? – I grinned happily.

\- Well… yes, but… firstly he would like to kiss… your nose. – He closed his eyes after he finished his request.

\- My nose? – I echoed with surprise.

\- Yes. – He nodded shyly. – Please…

\- You may. – I smiled. – Naturally.

\- Oh. – He opened his eyes, then looked at me with such a happy and thankful expression I nearly hugged him tightly.

He leaned closer to me, and with so much adoration and thankfulness, he placed a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. I guess this was even more intimate for him than a kiss on the lips, as I already knew he examined other people's nose with envy, and it always hurt him he could never have one of his own. Me letting him kiss mine must have calmed him.

\- Thank you. – He whispered in happiness.

\- Thank you too. – I smiled, and with a sudden idea, I thought I will repay him for that, and leaned close to his face. He was trying to figure out what I wanted to do, while I positioned my face right, and suddenly kissed his nasal bone. He gasped and turned his head away, whispering "ew", which was a bit of painful for me. How could he react such a way to a kiss? He sure realized after a second that he did not react the best way as he blushed bright red and brokenly whispered

\- Erik is sorry… he is so sorry… he did not mean it that way… please, Juti, forgive me…

\- What is wrong? I only wanted to kiss you, dear…

He turned to face me again, and he looked at me in utter shame.

\- Oh… Erik knows… he knows… but please… not there please. – He turned his head away again, avoiding having to look into my eyes for a long time. – Umm… I don't like this. My lack of a nose is so disgusting and you kissing it so close… makes me feel sick. Not because of you… because of me.

\- I am sorry, I just wanted to return the kiss on your… "nose".

\- Don't. – He shook his head again. – Please… never… or… not now.

\- Okay, thanks for telling. Just tell me if I do something that bothers you and I won't do it again, I promise. You don't have to be afraid of hurting me with it. I am not angry until you are honest.

\- Thank you. – He smiled with relief. – Erik is so much… relieved. He did not think he could have such a beautiful and sweet girl by his side… out of her own will, you see… I did not even have to threaten you… or to… blackmail you.

\- At least you are aware of those actions. – I nodded. – I thought you weren't.

\- I am. – He swallowed uncomfortably, grasping the air nervously for a few times. – That makes the whole thing even creepier… right?

\- I am not sure which is creepier. You knowing about how you acted was wrong or not… - I admitted. – But I do think that knowing your mistakes at least gives us a chance to start with a blank page and you trying not to make the same mistake twice.

\- I have no rival. – He looked at me with a suddenly cheerful expression. – You know no one but me. Erik has no reason to be jealous. He has no reason to make mistakes.

\- True. – I pointed out. – But still, promise you won't start over demanding the managers to do something or…

\- Or you leave Erik? – He seemed to get frightened, lifting his fist to his lips.

\- I would be terribly sorry to do so. – I sighed. – But if I had to, I would.

He nodded, then slowly put his hand down to his knee.

\- Erik promises. No more death. No more blackmailing… he wants to live as anyone else… with you.

\- That is calming. – I smiled, and hugged him to calm him down. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself again, then accidentally yawned in my face.

\- Excuse me. – He hurried to apologize, but another yawn escaped.

\- No need to apologize. Both of us are tired. – I smiled. – Do you allow me to take you home?

I wished to offer him I was going to row, but he shook his head.

\- I am the man, I take care of it.

He wanted to show me he was the real gentleman, and thankful for the status to be my all but official lover, so he did the manly job, contrary he was tired and I was able to row the boat as well. When we arrived home, he kissed me on the forehead and shyly, on the lips, wished me a peaceful and good night, and sweet dreams.

\- Who needs sweeter dreams than reality? – I asked, kissing his cheek playfully.

\- I honestly… start to wander… - he mumbled in front of himself awkwardly, but caught my shoulder gently to give me another "wedding kiss".

This one was better than the first one, as Erik now knew how to move his tongue, and wasn't as shy about it as he was at first. He gave himself to the pleasure of kissing me for the first time as his lover, and kissing any woman for the first time, like a real man. Forehead and cheek kisses were just boyish things to do, but Don Juan Triumphant could no longer be content with them. When we finished kissing, he stroke my hair again with a delighted expression all over his face and whispered:

\- Bonne nuit, mon amour.

\- Á toi aussi. – I replied then turned away to go to my room and get rid of my clothes and go to sleep after this magical day.

 _Erik's diary_

 _2_ _nd_ _February, 1882_

 _03:00_

 _Oh, my little journal, Erik is so happy, you can't even imagine! Juti is HIS! His alone, and he is so happy he can't describe it by words. He finally has someone… to love and kiss… kiss like a man! Like a husband kisses his wife! Juti, this beautiful girl wants Erik by her side, as a lover… I don't know what to say…_

 _My life is complete. I love and adore her so much and I am going to kiss the ground she walks on… I am going to give her everything she wants or needs and am going to treat her as a princess she really is._

 _I don't care what others say or do or think. I love Juti and Juti loves me. And that's all that matters. We are going to be a couple, and within time, if she allows e the honor of that… I will have a living wife…_

 _Oh- ho, Erik, stop stop stop… we go slow, slow we go… but still:_

 _I kissed her… we kissed… and she liked it… I can't express how much it means to me…_

 _I go to bed as a happy man… for the first time in my life._

 _But… there is a thing still I have to… take care of… well…_

 _At first, Juti wore a dress that was unusual for her. I bet it helped the events turn on their way as well, that Juti looked absolutely breathtaking. The dress showed her body beautifully, which wasn't as easily noticeable in pants. She finally looked like a woman. A very beautiful one, to begin with._

 _And that kiss…_

 _That kiss had an effect on me. I don't really mind it now, contrary to my earlier guilt, but… still… no, I can't ask THAT of her yet, on the literal dawn of our relationship. Erik will stay a true gentlemen and wait until… the right time to take her to bed. Which is after the wedding. Period. But now what to do?_

 _Yes, it had given me problems before as well, it was to be expected that such a kiss will cause me to get those thoughts. Now if I go and handle it the usual way, it counts as cheating. Erik would never cheat on her, especially not now she accepted me as her lover… but… I need to…_

 _Just a little peek would not hurt anyone, right?_

 _What she does not know of, it does not hurt her, right…? I know even the thought of this filthy scenario is shameful, but… I have to see her. I HAVE TO. I know it is sick. But I am too much worked up to think of something else right now…_

 **Juti's POV**

It was already after 9 when I got up. I expected to oversleep as I took a bath and went to bed only after 3 in the morning, and I knew I won't get up at 6 as usual. I hoped that Erik was in bed yet as well, so I did not have to hurry, but I was wrong. When I stepped out of my room, I found the whole house by the lake covered in baskets of flowers. It seems like Erik started courting, as he said, but I did not think he will carry the whole flower shop for me as well by the time I wake up. I laughed out, seeing how cute he was, he must have gotten up (at least I hoped he slept some) early to go and buy the whole flower shop. On the dining table, I found a small note with a plate of bisquits and a cup of tea. The note was written in red ink, and I curiously picked it up to read what Erik had to say. It was strange I could not see or hear him anywhere, but from the fact he left a note, I was sure he was planning and preparing a surprise for me.

Well, it was indeed a surprise… the note said:

 _Daroga,_

 _HELP._

 _Meet me at box 5 at 10 in the morning. Urgent. Need your advice and wish to confess… something terrible._

 _F. de l'O._

I saw the letter wasn't for me, but I knew Erik shall not have secrets in front off me. Whatever he wants to confess I need to hear it too. I still have time until 10.


	29. A Strange Confession

Juti's POV:

I hurriedly searched for the right secret passageway which took me from the house by the lake to Box Five. I haven't used that one before, but Erik told me he linked box five with the secret tunnels, so there had to be one. I also knew that Erik always preferred the easiest way possible, and did not like to walk too much if it was up to him. Growing older made him a bit of lazier or well, more comfortable, so the passageway had to be the closest possible and one of the easier and shorter ones. I wasn't wrong. Going along took me a bit of time, but finally I found myself at the bottom of a ladder which was just attached to the wall above my head.

To be honest I did not really like ladders. I was a bit of afraid of heights, and if it was up to me, I'd have rather stayed on the floor. To tell the truth, I was secretely sick of the thought of Erik climbed on the Apollo statue on the rooftop, even thinking of it made me feel dizzy, and really hoped he wasn't going to take me up there. He did not yet offer it, and did not know about my weakness about heights, and I would not want to inform him if it wasn't necessary… and at that point I nearly turned back to abandon the whole idea of listening. I checked my watch: it was 10 minutes past 10. I got rather curious about what Erik had to confess so urgently to the Daroga… why to the Daroga, and why not to me? I really did not wish him to have secrets in front of me, especially not very serious ones. He worded "something terrible", which alarmed me a lot. Compared to that a simple ladder hanging from the wall was nothing. I grabbed the first step with a sudden determination and started climbing.

The ladder was a bit of too narrow and my foot slipped on the steps a bit a few times, which did not help my uneasy feelings, but in the end I was finally on the top. I grabbed the edges tightly, and tried to figure out what on Earth to do to go further. Seemingly I was just at the side of some marble wall from the inside and the place was kind of tight. Maybe I ended up in the column?

Suddenly there were three knocks a bit of further from me, just as someone would have knocked on a door, then a door opened. It scared me to no end. I tried my best to stay silent, and not to get anyone's attention at myself, which wasn't too easy. Finally, someone spoke.

\- Have you lost your mind? – I heard that untrained, but kind of pleasant baritone of the Persian. – You send a letter like this to me in the middle of the night?

Hearing this made me scared I nearly slipped on the ladder yet again, but at least I was happy I really ended up in box five, and I wasn't even late from the meeting, even though I have lost a good 20 minutes when I searched for the right way, I did not miss anything.

\- At first. – Erik's voice was very frustrated, and he wasn't in the best mood. – You are LATE, Daroga. Erik has other things to do than waiting for you to arrive.

He really sounded to be upset. What might have happened to him during the night? Did he change his mind about our relationship? But then why did he bring me flowers? What can be so terrible? I put my ear on the wall to hear it better.

\- I am actually worried of your sanity, Erik. – The Daroga sighed.

I could not see anything, so I tried my best to listen to their emotional howabouts from their intonations.

\- Me too. – Erik agreed. – Which is why I sent that letter and wanted to talk to you.

\- So… talk. – The Persian was irritated and maybe slightly concerned. What kind of letter Erik might have sent to the Daroga as well, when the letter intended to him was on the dining table in the house? Did he write two of them?

\- Oh Daroga… I am so confused and happy at the same time… but also… I feel like I am going crazy. I need a man to talk to. I… had confessed… the same thoughts to a priest… but it did not really help. – A deep sigh came. – Only temporarily. But last night – at this point his intonation changed to that sweet and loving one which he used with me the night before when he confessed his love to me – last night I finally learned that love knows no rules, and one needs to accept fate.

\- Might be. – The Persian said with caution.

\- Yes, I know it might sound strange Daroga, especially after Christine, and how that love story ended… but I am in love, Daroga.

\- In love…? Oh Allah… Yet again?

\- Yes, Daroga. – I bet Erik was smiling. – And it is a magical feeling. Finally I know how to LOVE.

\- Oh.

\- And… here comes the problem… and I have thoughts about… you know what… more and more.

\- Intimacy?

\- Yes.

\- Well, Erik, it is kind, but…

\- No but, Daroga! – Erik sounded so passionate suddenly. – I… I… I can't say no to my… feelings.

\- Oh, but I have never… never thought you have these feelings. – The Daroga sounded a bit too much surprised. Nearly scared.

\- Of course, I do. – Erik snorted. – Why would I not? I am a man, just like you. Why do you think I can't have these thoughts? Because I am ugly? Eh? – Erik seriously got upset and hurt, so I closed my eyes not to "see" what he was going to do to the Daroga if he replies in not the right way.

\- I don't mean it like that. – The Persian must have jumped up from his seat in a sudden fear, as I heard his footsteps and his voice came from further. – No, Erik, it is not about your looks. Please… stay there. Do you have that damned string with you…?

\- No. – Erik exhaled loudly, seriously trying his best to control his temper.

\- Erik, I just did not think you would feel such things about someone like…

\- Like? – He snapped. – Isn't she beautiful enough to you, eh? You Persian booby! Are you going blind? Oh, I wish I had gone, right before I did that sick thing… - Erik's voice now came muffled as if he leaned on the handrail of the chair or he buried his face in his hands.

\- What…?

\- Oh, Daroga, I know I should not have… I know… It was so INDECENT…

\- Well, you are just… desperate I guess. – The Persian's voice came from closer. – But what do you mean?

\- Erik is no better than any of the filthy men. – He sobbed. – Erik can't control his fantasies and he needs to watch… he needed to see…

\- See?

\- Yes… as… God, or Allah or what had created her. – He admitted brokenly.

\- Her…? Wait… now I understand, but Allah above… Erik… did you? Did you… rape her? – The Daroga's voice turned into a soft, nearly inaudible whisper of horror.

There was silence for a time. I did not know what was going on, but I hoped Erik will be merciful to the poor Daroga. If I absolutely needed to, I'd of course stop him… Erik was too silent. After a few minutes, he jumped up, as I heard his chair was maybe kicked, and he angrily yelled:

\- I DID! Twice! Yes! And she enjoyed it! And so did Erik! With pleasure I did so! I am Don Juan Triumphant! Of course, you fool! You miserable, insufferable simpleton!

\- Erik, stop…

\- Of course, I raped her! I rape everyone I meet, remember? – Erik kicked another chair, at least I hoped so. – I have told you… told you… I had never touched any of the women I loved… not by a finger… not… - He suddenly started wheezing.

\- Then what the Hell is your problem? – The Persian sounded to be annoyed. – I am fed up with your love issues. Esepcially now. So spit it out.

\- Daroga, I know Christine took a pair of scissors with her for the first time she was in my house, to the bathroom, to end her life… if Erik… does something… terrible. – Erik whispered. – And yet Erik did not even think of doing something terrible. Christine thought he would, but he would have never done so, or at least he thought…He did not dare to imagine Christine naked. And he did not wish to have intimate moments with her.

\- And you rather chose someone else and it is hard for you to admit to yourself? – The Persian suddenly sounded much more compassionate, just as he was a truly understanding friend to Erik. I was sure that, even though they mostly acted as they disliked each other, and Erik did nearly kill the Persian a few times before, they were still somewhat close to the relationship one would mostly describe as a very strange kind of friendship.

\- Finally you understand. – Erik sighed. – It takes you a lot of time to understand something, Daroga.

\- Well, and what did you do which is that terrible, then?

\- After we kissed… and Daroga, you have to understand that I finally have a companion… so after we kissed… and she went to take a bath, I secretly watched her as I have imagined it in my dreams, many times.

Silence came yet again. After some moments, the Daroga asked.

\- So it is Judit you are talking about? Did you watch Judit while she…

\- Yes, yes, who else? I told you, you simpleton, I have NEVER seen Christine like that.

\- And it is her you are in love with?

\- In love with? Oh Daroga, it is too little to describe it as so. I adore her… I… I… I adore her. Love her, mind, soul and body. I yearn for her. Terribly.

\- Oh, then… I don't understand.

\- What is it again you don't understand, you old Persian fool?

\- Your letter to me.

\- What on Earth are you talking about? It was just a note to inform you I had to talk to you. What is that you don't understand?

\- For example the addressing. Why did you call me "my darling" or "my love"?

\- What? – Erik gasped.

\- You did, and what does it mean "you have made me the happiest of men in all Paris, sweetie"

\- Heavens… - Erik sounded scared. – Did I write that to you…?

\- Yes, you did, Erik, and many more things like "I wish to hold you in my arms soon" and you sprayed lilac or I don't know what kind of scented perfume all over that letter, which made my hands smell of it 2 hours after.

A gasp, and a high- pitched scream left Erik's throat right after this sentence. He sounded like a five year old girl. After that scream, he started stuttering in a language I could not understand, but the Persian sure could, as he switched to that language as well. Maybe was that Farsi? The Daroga, as I could guess, was trying to calm Erik, who could not coherently speak, even in that foreign language, he was merely nervously sputtering.

After that, he switched back and forth between French and the unknown language, but even in French he did not make too much sense, saying things like "Good blood" as I translated, or "Good blood of good evening." I did not know what those did mean, but the Persian was constantly trying to talk to Erik, to make him relax just a bit.

\- It can happen, Erik, please breathe…

Actually the situation I had to listen through, was a funny one. Funny as Hell with the wrongly delivered letters and the "confession" the Daroga was waiting for. It must have became a great opera scene, if someone would have written it, it was just a perfect scene for comedy. And Erik's confession made me think. He watched me while I took a bath…? And now he is ashamed of it. But why did he tell it to the Daroga instead of telling me? Well, he said he needed a man to talk to, and the Daroga is his closest male friend, so…

I did not mind too much Erik did what he did. I knew this was a lot more serious an issue in Victorian times, when women weren't even allowed to show ankles, and sure, guys weren't so much spoiled with porn material either, and I understood why did Erik suddenly feel so ashamed of his actions, but I just felt a bit of uncomfortable because my body wasn't looking so beautiful in my opinion. I was fat, to tell the truth, and I did not understand why Erik enjoyed to watch me naked. I imagined I would have been a major turn- off to any man. I had to think this through, and I knew I needed to talk about this to Erik once, whatever awkward it might sound like… but not now.

Still, I felt sorry for Erik.

I did not know what to do. Erik sounded so scared, so ashamed, lost… I would so wanted to comfort him, but I did not know if I admitted I was listening, would he be extremely upset at me? He did not wish me to hear this confession, clearly. Should I ruin his trust just for the sake of comfort? Maybe the best thing would be if I just disappeared from this hiding place and go back to wait for Erik to return in the house by the lake…

When I wanted to slip down from the ladder, I suddenly heard Erik's realization:

\- Daroga… if you received that letter… it means…

Before I could disappear as fast as I could, there was dazzling light coming from box five as a secret switch was activated and I faced a bit of angry Erik in front of me. Before I could say anything, his eyes narrowed, and he grabbed the jacket on my shoulder without a word, pulling me inside to box five.

\- Erik, don't hurt her… - The Daroga warned him, half concerned, half threatening.


	30. A game of trust

Juti's POV:

I knew that, contrary to Erik's sudden realization about my presence and his anger about being overheard, he would not be able to hurt me as the Persian feared. I trusted him with my life, and was sure he won't ever hurt me any more. Erik held me under my arms after he pulled me inside, like I was a child. Because of the height difference between us my feet did not reach the ground, but I wasn't afraid for a moment. Erik gently put me down to the chair next to the column, and stroke my hair without a word. He turned away to face the Daroga, while still holding his hand on my shoulder, and unintentionally massaging it to calm me, but mostly, I think, himself.

\- I would not hurt her for any cost. I'd rather die, saving her from any injuries, I'd jump in front of a bullet if someone wanted to shoot her. – Erik told with growing passion.

\- With you, one can never know. You actually did hurt her before, Erik.

Only a deep sigh came as a response, Erik did not like to be reminded.

\- It was a long time ago, and he will never do it again. – I assured.

\- Never say never. – The Daroga warned me cautiously.

\- I am not proving anything to you, only her. She believes me… thank God.

\- She doesn't know you for long enough that is why.

\- True. – Erik replied quickly. I wasn't sure if he agreed just for the sake of silencing the Daroga finally, or he just was referring to the fact I really did not know Erik for more than 20 years. -Anyway… I am not angry. Or not at least, for the reason you would think. – He informed me.

\- I am sorry for listening.

\- How much did you hear? – Erik asked.

\- All of it. – I admitted.

\- Good. – He nodded shortly. – We are going to talk about this later. Not now. Now you know what I had to say… but may you please be so kind to go home? I am going to join you after I finish this meeting. I don't wish to discuss any further with you being present.

\- Why, is there more? – I inquired.

\- Please. – Erik crossed his arms on his chest, showing he was starting to be annoyed.

\- Okay. Sorry. – I stood up, and turned to the column, but Erik called out.

\- Not there. Go out through the door and walk downstairs. Follow the path we walked together. One stress indicated heart attack was enough for Erik for today. Your sense of balance is close to zero. If you slip and fall I will never forgive myself.

\- You make me walk a lot. – I sighed a bit of grumpily.

\- Safety first, laziness after. – He scolded as if I was a child.

\- Okay. – I nodded. – Love you.

\- Love you too. – He admitted, with a kinder intonation.

I turned to the door to leave, but turned back to say goodbye to the Persian. I wished to be polite to him, so I tried to remember those very few phrases I found out by a website while researching Farsi sentences for my fanfictions.

\- Khoda… hafez, Daroga! – I seriously hoped I remembered the correct phrase and I did not mispronounce it, unintentionally sending him to a warmer place or something of that sort.

The Daroga bowed with a smile, indicating I said it right, and that he appreciated my gesture, but Erik, who had already sat back down, suddenly jolted up on his feet and arrived in front of me with a jump. I still hoped he won't harm me, though his sudden arrival in front of my feet alarmed me a bit.

\- Do you speak Farsi? – He gasped.

\- No.

\- Be honest. – He sounded ominous. – If you lie to me you'll regret it.

He said something again, looking into my eyes deeply. Seemingly it was a question, but I did not understand it, so I just shook my head. He continued speaking, slower, and he repeated the phrases a few times, but as I did not understand any of Farsi save for the phrases I looked up online, I had no idea what he was saying.

\- I just hope you are not insulting me. – I stated.

\- No. – The Daroga replied. – He is asking common things, like your favorite color and if you liked to read.

\- All right, you really don't understand. – Erik said with relief. – Your look gave away you did not understand a word. Go now, will you? Please.

He dragged himself back in his chair and sat down. He was searching in his waistcoat pocket for a few moments, getting a real small bottle out of it, and hurriedly he drank all its contents by a sip. I did not dare to think what it was, and I just hoped it was something harmless. I found it a better idea not to stay there any longer, so I quickly left.

Arriving back to the house by the lake did take a while, so I had time to think. All in all, Erik took it fairly well, I expected him to yell at me for listening. Not to beat me up, but to yell at me. He did not. He was kind, actually, contrary to how much humiliated he must have felt. I bet that was what made him scared about my Farsi parting phrase, he thought I understood what he said to the Persian earlier.

When I entered the house, it was already quarter to noon, and I was hungry. I did not even eat my breakfast Erik left there for me, so I just sat down at the table to have the biscuits at least. While I was eating, I wondered how desirable I must really be. I never considered myself to be sexy the least, and Erik's confession put the bug in my ear. After breakfast I went to the bathroom mirror to check my face. I was looking at it as I saw it for the first time, thinking that my ear was really too big, or was too much visible at least. Other than my ears, my head was kind of all right, I guess, but my body… even Erik said once I was fat! All right, he was drunk, but still. It was true. How could someone yearn for a whale? Especially compared to him, I was so fat. I did not see anything desirable on myself. We will have to talk about this with Erik once… but not now. And… I did not know if I should now make sure of totally covering myself while taking a bath, so Erik won't be able to watch me, or ask him not to watch me again, or let him at least watch me… It made me feel a bit of uncomfortable to be honest. I did not wish to think of it. I just felt sorry for Erik, having to see something like my body and still staying aroused. Poor guy he really isn't spoiled if seeing me is good enough for him.

In those months I have spent in the house my hair really grew a lot. When I arrived here it was only falling slightly under the middle of my neck, but by this time the longest locks were falling down to lower than my shoulder. It honestly bothered me. I much preferred short hair, and even though longer hair did not look that bad on me, I did not feel comfortable with it constantly getting on the top of my glasses, and it blocked my vision if I wanted to write. I did not have the money for a hairdresser, and I did not really care up until today. I just did not know how to tell Erik I wanted my hair being cut. I knew that in this time period girls wore longer hair than mine was. Maybe he won't like the idea, but… it was my body after all.

When Erik arrived back in the house, it was already 3 in the afternoon. I did not expect him to arrive back soon, so I wasn't upset about it. I knew he needed to be alone after such traumas, but he was noticeably in a much better mood then. He was carrying some boxes, maybe they were for me? I got used to receiving gifts from him after each of these small scenarios when he felt he hurt or upset me, but to be honest I felt these new gifts were a bit of too much after the thousands of flowers in the morning he already brought. I felt I was getting too much spoiled and I did not deserve so many gifts and so much money to be wasted on me.

\- Erik, I am so glad you are home. – I ran close to him and hugged him happily.

\- And I am glad to be home with my dear little girl. – He replied. As he seemed to be totally honest about his good mood, I decided I wasn't going to force on the subject of the confession.

\- I missed you. – I said, as it was the truth.

\- Thank you. – He seemed to be relieved, slightly surprised, and a lot thankful. – I missed you too. Erik is sorry he made his little one wait for so much time, but he, you see… needed some alone time after he finished talking to the Daroga. But to make up for it… I brought you something.

\- Erik… you really should not have… I mean… you spend too much on me lately…

\- Oh ho! Allow me to do whatever I wish to with my own money, my little one. – He chuckled. - And one can not spend too much on you. – He put the boxes on the table in front of me. – And anyway, it is rather for amusement than anything else.

I opened the biggest box to find a package of fine paper in it. I smiled. I was out of paper, so he exactly knew I needed it. I smiled at him widely and thanked him for it, but he just handed me one of the smaller boxes with a chuckle. Opening it, the smaller box revealed a set of watercolor paints. The final, smallest box contained pencils and brushes of each size and type.

\- I saw you like to draw and paint. – Erik explained. – Your phone contained some pictures of your earlier artworks, and you did not have the opportunity to create any art lately as you lacked the supplies. I thought you might want to.

\- Thank you love. – I hugged his neck and placed a kiss on his cheek. – Thank you a lot!

\- It is nothing. – He smiled. – All I wish is to make you happy.

\- You do. – I nodded quickly. - May I draw something for you? – I offered with a sudden inspiration.

\- But of course. – He laughed shortly. – I am curious of what you wish to draw though.

\- You. – I pointed at him.

\- Erik? – He echoed. – Oh…. No, please….

\- Erik, pretty please… I would so want to draw your portrait. Really. I did it many times but none of them actually looks like you.

\- Well… are you sure…?

\- It would mean a lot to me.

\- I can't say no to you. – He shrugged. – No one wished to draw Erik's portrait… but if you insist… Well, how should I sit, then? – He sat down on the couch, waiting for my instructions.

\- Naturally. I would like to catch your personality, but… not with an instrument. Partly because you being a musician is too much obvious, and partly because I am terrible at drawing musical instruments.

Erik laughed out at my honesty, then eyed me curiously.

\- Then? – He aked cheerfully. – What shall Erik do?

\- What you enjoy doing the most other than composing or playing. And be casual.

\- Oh, that sounds good. – He nodded. – Then I'd recommend reading, it would allow me the opportunity to actually read.

\- Sounds good, I can at least draw books.

\- And newspapers? – He chuckled.

\- That too. – I giggled.

\- Great, at least I can continue reading the newest chapter.

\- Of what?

\- La fille du Vampire. A vampire story in more installments and I did not have the time to read the last one yet.

\- God, you like serialized stories? Vampire stories, on top? WOW! – I giggled.

\- Erik does not read Dickens and Goethe all the time either. These are mostly for fun. Some of them are interesting enough to occupy my interest, and some of them are so badly written it is funny.

\- And have you ever written a story of your own? – I got curious.

\- Yes.

\- With own characters?

\- Yes.

\- You are better than me then! I only write fanfictions with existing characters.

\- Real people. Like me. – He smiled. – And no, I am not a good writer.

\- How come?

\- I am simply not talented I guess. I mean I can word sentences, but I don't think I write interestingly enough for people to want to read it.

\- They would love to read a book by you I bet. It would be enough if you just wrote your life story.

\- Oh Heavens, no. – He shook his head viciously. – It would require me to recall my life and that is something I clearly don't want to do. And it won't be that much interesting as you would think.

\- And this one with the Vampire's Daughter?

\- Pleasantly morbid. I enjoy it. – He got a folded newspaper from his coat pocket and removed his jacket. – Sorry, as it is not a formal portrait, I'd get more comfortable. Reading in shirt sleeves is much more pleasant… or shall Erik put on something…?

\- Why should he? – I smiled. – It is good as it is my dear.

\- In front of a lady a gentleman shall not be in shirt sleeves.

\- I have seen you in sleepwear too. – I giggled.

\- True. – Erik nodded. – Sometimes I am still thinking about what to allow myself in front of you. I am not used to… living freely… with someone else by my side, especially a lady.

\- Erik, I am just a boyish girl. – I giggled. – Not a lady. And I don't take things so seriously. I know that you guys shall not do many things in front of a girl according to etiquette, but I am not aware of I think at least fifty percent of those rules you might break, so I just advise to do whatever you feel like doing, and don't be afraid of being impolite. I am mostly impolite too, I guess.

\- Not as much as you think. - He informed. – What you think as boyish behavior, is only the consequence of the social expectations of the future. Different things are important in your time than at ours. Here a woman is supposed to be obedient, fragile, mostly silent and shy, and of course, polite. You have all of these features, yet you use them differently. You were raised in another manner, not like you are in need of the constant aid of the man by your side, you are much more independent and stronger, both physically and mentally. I like it to be honest, as I like if a woman has her brain.

\- And is there something you dislike in me?

\- Not really. – He replied cautiously.

\- It wasn't totally honest, was it? What do you wish me to change?

\- Nothing. I don't want you to change. Just… yes, there is a thing that… well, a bit bothers me and it is also the consequence of you being raised in another manner.

\- Let me guess: Me talking too openly about…. Some topics?

\- Exactly.

\- I am sorry.

\- Don't be. Erik is trying to get used to it.

\- You don't have to. I try to stop.

\- No, it is a good thing in general. It is actually… Erik who should be… more open. Much more open. – He sighed. – But I would not change a thing about you.

\- Erik, why ladies faint always here and why don't I? I thought there is something wrong with me. How do they do it?

\- Three things: At first: Corsets. They wear them, and pull it too thight, and they have trouble breathing. You don't. Secondly, they are used to the rule they should faint at any stressful situation to the point they really do. Reflex. You weren't taught to that. And finally, they don't always truly faint, if they can't do so, they will act it. It is expected of them, being so weak and fragile, so they pretend to faint.

\- And if I don't is it bad?

\- On the contrary, I am rather relieved you don't. I was always terrified with Christine as if she does, I was afraid she hits her head. Thank Heavens I don't have to be afraid with you.

He wiped his forehead with his handkerchief, then sat down on the couch, and with a sudden idea, he lay down to be all comfortable.

\- That's it, be casual. – I nodded.

\- You said so, now I do everything I feel like doing.

\- Awesome. – I sat down with a piece of paper and a graphite pencil to sketch. – It is the first time I am working with a living model. – I admitted.

\- Depends how living Erik is. – It was Erik's usual dark sense of humor, so I giggled.

\- Up until now I only copied photos. Sorry if I mess up your pose.

\- Just practice, that matters. – He nodded.

\- Sorry if I stare at your face, love. – I hurried to calm him about the situation.

\- You see me all the time. I did not think I would say so ever, but it doesn't bother me any more. Not even if you stare at me.

He opened the newspaper and started reading, so I did not bother him any longer. I tried my best to draw him the most accurately as possible, I needed four retries to do it right, and even that one was just my usual quality of art, which was far from being a photorealistic one. Yet, without any self praise, I was able to get the hang of Erik's character and body type, and for some reason, the drawing still worked. It was like a cartoon version of him, reading a newspaper, finally relaxing totally, showing much calmness. I imagined it would be difficult to draw a living model as Erik will sure move some, but to my biggest surprise he seemed to be motionless always. He stayed in the exact same position, save for the occasional turning the page and his eyes moving as he read. I did not think it was possible to stay so still for so long.

Suddenly a silly idea hit me, as Erik reminded me of a member of Household Division in Great Britain, and I was curious how hard I should work to make him move. Of course, I did not mean to hurt him, but a playful teasing is maybe accepted…? I walked close to him, without saying a thing. He obviously finished reading, but still he did not move. He sent a look at me by the corner of his eyes, but did not speak. He was waiting what I wanted to do. I had a realization he knew what I wanted, and was testing me of how far I'd go if he let me. Was it a challenge of his trust towards someone else? He wanted to be sure I won't hurt him? Looking into his eyes made me sure. "Do whatever you want to me, you may. I know you would not hurt me."

I started stroking his hair and ears, gently, and he did not pull away, of course. He closed his eyes to enjoy the affection more, so I kissed his forehead. That made him smile, but still he did not move. I put both of my hands on his shoulder and started gently massaging him, which sure felt like Heaven to him, but he resisted moving, even moaning this time. I slightly massaged his neck, and this finally squeezed a relieved sigh out of him, but nothing else. I caressed his shoulder and chest, then stopped and did not go down from that level, as I did not wish him to get uncomfortable, knowing his feelings and desires. I knew he would most likely grab my hands and toss me away to make me stop, but I did not wish to betray him, just now when he finally showed endless trust. I remembered back how much self control he needed to realize I did not wish to hurt him when I wanted to start a snowball fight before Christmas. Compared to that, he motionlessly waiting for me to do whatever I wanted to him was an enormous step I did not think we would make anytime soon. Does Erik feel safe with me?

Suddenly another idea hit me but I dd not want to try without warning first. I was sure he would get alarmed if I started rough, so I just gently put my hand on his side. I could feel his ribs through the shirt and waistcoat, he was so very thin. He was still waiting what I wanted, so he did not question me or try to object.

\- Are you ticklish? – I asked.

\- I beg your pardon? – He spoke for the first time since we started this game. He seemed to be clueless of what I wanted to know.

\- Are you ticklish?

\- Is Erik what?

\- Do you laugh if I do this? – I started softly tickling his side.

\- No. – He blinked and shrugged cluelessly. – Would it make you happy if I did?

\- It is instinctive, dear, if you are ticklish you laugh no matter what.

\- Can someone laugh from being scratched? By the way would you scratch my back? Please.

He did not directly ask such things of me before, he just passively accepted and liked to receive rubs or liked if I scratched him. But he did not want or dare to ask for it yet. Way to go!

\- But of course! – I nodded happily.

Erik sat up so I was able to reach his back and I scratched it for him, which made him happy and relaxed. He smiled at me and murmured "oh thank you dear" in front of himself.

\- Anytime, sweetie. – I kissed his cheek.

\- Well... where did you left off? – He inquired curiously. – Go on. Make me laugh if you can!- He sounded to be excited. – Go on! I insist!

\- You wished so. – I giggled and tried to tickle his side again, but it did not make him laugh out.

I wasn't successful with his armpit either, and nor with his stomach. He slightly pulled away when I touched his belly, though.

\- Is it bad? – I asked worriedly.

\- No. Just… well, not that bad. But not good.

\- Sorry. I won't do it again. Let's see…

I really started to run out of ideas. Maybe Erik isn't ticklish at all? Might be someone who wasn't touched this way before does not even have this reflex? I reached up to his neck, to which act he looked at me with a hint of suspicion, but he finally allowed me to put my hand at the back of his neck, and I reached under his collar. His neck was also cold to touch, just as his face and hands. I ran my finger teasingly at the side of his neck, which was finally successful. Erik unintentionally let out a small chuckle, and as I played rougher he laughed louder and more uncontrollably.

\- I found your weak spot. – I giggled.

\- Oh, stop… stop… - He begged for mercy, choking with laughter.

\- Let's check your feet then… nearly everyone's feet are ticklish.

\- My feet? – He got serious. – Ummm… well you want to touch Erik's feet?

\- If you allow me.

\- I… might… but they are… cold. And… colder than my hands. And… they tend to… sweat. Contrary to being ice cold.

\- I don't mind it. – I smiled at him reassuringly.

\- Are you sure?

\- Yes.

\- Well… all right. – Erik slowly removed his socks and uncomfortably exed me. When I wanted to kneel down in front of him, he exclaimed: - No! Not like that.

\- Sorry I always forget. Okay then put your foot on my lap.

\- All… right… - He obeyed.

When I started to tickle his foot I found out I wasn't wrong. He could not handle it without laughing. His toes were ticklish as well. He unintentionally started pulling his lleg away and out of a reflex he accidentally kicked my side. I expected something like this to happen, but Erik got terribly shocked. He gasped, jumped up on his feet, then went on his knees in front of the couch, hugging my waist and burying his face on my lap. All of this happened in a blink of an eye and I was so sorry for the poor guy got this much upset about such a minor thing.

\- Erik, it is all right. – I patted his back comfortingly.

\- Erik is so sorry… so- so sorry… He did not mean to kick Juti…

\- You did not kick me intentionally it is okay. – I stroke his hair.

\- He won't do it again. – He lifted his head up and looked at me penitently.

\- Calm down sweetie.

\- Can Erik… make Juti laugh as well with his touch? – He wondered. – Is it possible?

\- Oh I am very ticklish so yes.

\- Really? – His eyes lit up with a curiously boyish adoring glare. – If Erik tickles you will you laugh?

\- Sure. – I nodded. – Find it out.

With trembling hands he reached out towards me, but after some moments he finally dared to tickle my upper arm. It was literally all the same where he touched me – I was extremely ticklish, so he could not do it wrong. Hearing me laugh made him braver, so he went on, slowly but steady, with a growing evil – ish playful grin all over his face. He tickled my side, my palm, my back, neck, and finally he repaid me with the feet tickling as well. Maybe for the first time in our relationship, he finally dared to play, and did not worry about it being polite or not. We both ended up on the floor, playfully wrestling and laughing. He suddenly kissed me on the lips passionately. I hugged his neck and rubbed his back and neck. When he finished, he let out a relieved sigh and got up from the floor, helping me up.

\- Sacré bleu it really felt good! – Erik snapped his finger cheerfully.

It was so funny to see Erik's inhibitions melting away, he now even dared to use interjections and word his feelings.

\- To me too. – I giggled. – Speaking of French words, what does "Good blood" mean?

\- Bon sang. Don't translate. And it means God damn it, or something of that sort. Don't use it often.

\- You said, I just heard it. – I laughed.

\- I know. Sorry about that, I was a bit of nervous.

\- And why do you put even bonsoir after it?

\- Bon sang de bonsoir. Just for the sake of rhyme.

\- I like word jokes.

\- Me too. – Erik nodded and smiled. He must be in a really great mood if he actually teaches me to cuss instead of scolding me for it.

\- Tell me one in French, please!

\- You asked for it: Santé n'est pas sans t, mais maladie est sans t.

\- This is funny! -I laughed out. – Tell me more!

\- L'Arabe Ali est mort au lit. Moralité: Maure Ali, t'es mort alité.

I burst out in laughter, especially about Erik's dark sense of humor which showed up again, even in word joke.

\- It is funny too, as well!

\- Depends. To whom? – Erik chuckled. – For example it isn't any more for Ali.

I laughed out again, hugging him.

\- I love your sense of humor.

\- Really? People usually don't.

\- I do. – I kissed his forehead. – I love everything about you.

\- Even my head? – He inquired.

\- Everything. – I repeated with a smile.

We spent a pleasant afternoon and evening together, talking about only pleasant things and enjoying each other's company, innocently, but freely.


	31. Lost and Found

After that afternoon and evening when we tickled each other for the first (but not the last) time, Erik really got much more comfortable about his usual behavior in front of me. He still was polite, but not that painstakingly elegant and polite always, as before. He dared to show up not always wearing a jacket or a tie in front of me, yet before he took care of even the last button on his shirt, and he did not like if any of his clothes showed a tiny bit of wrinkle or hair. His clothing always had to be perfectly tidied, and he wore those uncomfortable pieces of clothing all the time I sure would have not, just for the sake of not to break any rules of etiquette. I always wondered how men can handle that tie. I even hated high neck sweaters as after a few minutes they felt like squeezing my neck, so I always unbuttoned the upper buttons of my shirt and did not wear a cravat at home. Even if Erik did not have that problem, I still wondered if he was comfortable in those high collars constantly, and seemingly, he wasn't, as he now avoided wearing them if he could.

Getting hair on his black clothing, especially since we had Wolfy with us, though, was something he could not avoid, especially that the kitten loved to jump on his lap and snuggle against his skeletal body very often. Contrary to his statement he "did not really like cats" he would hug and pet the small animal endlessly, and I caught him cooing to Wolfy just as if he was a baby. He talked to him on a very slobbery way, and used a higher pitched voice, calling the cat "my dear" and exclaiming "how very soft you are aww"! He though, denied the fact by all cost, and stated we only have the cat for my amusement. I wasn't sure why did he have to deny the fact he loved our kitten, but I did not inform him I knew his little secret. When he will feel comfortable enough to show his love towards the cat openly, he will do so. I learned there was no point to rush anything with Erik, as it would only cause him to get extremely stubborn about denial and rejection of the issue, it was best if I just left him alone.

There was an issue though I could not leave unsolved.

It was still Erik's low self- esteem, and insecurity. No matter how much I tried to make him accept his looks by small compliments regarding his appearance, he never believed me. He shook his head and informed me I only said such things because I loved him, without meaning it, and just tried to hide the hideous truth. He also asked me not to mock him. I really did not think Erik was monstrous. Yes, he was ugly. I don't say he was beautiful, of course, as he wasn't, and me saying the opposite would simply be a lie, and I did not wish to hurt or upset Erik with an obvious lie. But I still loved him, and to me, he wasn't scary or ugly. I even liked some of his features, for example his glowing yellow eyes, his thin hands with long fingers and I loved how he moved in generally. I can't word it better, he was creepily graceful mostly, with elegant gestures. I simply tried to word what I felt for him and what I liked about his physical appearance sometimes, but Erik seemingly did not wish to talk about this issue, and would ask me not to lie to him and leave him alone with his ugliness. I just decided to leave it at that and find a better opportunity to make Erik accept himself at some level as time goes by, as he really needed to understand there was also good in him, even in his looks, however hard to believe it might be.

One morning, literally coincidence helped me to make a new exploration, which wasn't exactly how I planned to solve the problem…

I went to wake Erik up, just as usual, since last October, as this habit of his thankfully did not change, and I wanted to try out a new method, to maybe wake him up easier and faster than before. Since I already knew he was ticklish at some level, I decided to wake him up by tickling his feet. That sure will sober him up in a minute. I went to the end of the sofa and lifted the covers off of his feet to reach them.

As I wanted to start to tickle them, suddenly my eyes got stuck on a strange thing. Before, when I tickled Erik's feet, I did not notice it, as we were both moving too fast, I did not concentrate on it, and well, my eyes aren't that good either, but now that he lay still and did not move, looking at his feet I realized his face wasn't the only thing "deformed". On his right foot, he had one extra small toe, so he had six toes instead of the usual five. I have heard before that there were people who had extra fingers or toes on either one or both sides, but I have never met anyone before who did. Maybe that is why Erik was so reluctant about letting me tickle his feet? He seemed to be relieved after I finished playing with him and maybe that is why…? He realized I did not notice it? Maybe that is why I have never seen him barefoot before, it was always a bit of strange to me that he always wore slippers or shoes while I was just running around in socks, or even without them in the summer (which was always something Erik gave me remarks about, that I was going to catch a cold running around like that on stone floors), but I just guessed he was simply cold, as always, and his feet were cold as well. Maybe it had a more serious reason, to hide his another "abnormal" feature from my eyes.

Well, he shall not. If he has another deformities, he shall never feel ashamed of any of them, as I love him no matter what. If his face wasn't enough to disgust me, did he think an extra toe will?

Suddenly a thin finger knocked my shoulder three times. When I looked up I saw Erik sat up, looking at me in the eye. Contrary to I needed several attempts to wake him up other times, he woke up surprisingly fast this time, without the tickling as well. He was looking at me a bit of suspiciously and with a hint of annoyance.

\- I bid you a good morning, Angel of Music. – I smiled at him to make him feel more relaxed.

\- Could be a better one. – His eyes narrowed in displeasure. – And I already asked you not to call me Angel of Music. – Seems like I wasn't successful with love only, and Erik did not like to wake up to the sight I looked at his feet.

\- I just…

\- Are you quite satisfied? – He growled at me. – Have you seen ALL you wanted to see, Mademoiselle…?

\- Erik, please, I did not mean…

\- Was it a nice sight, eh?

\- Erik, I… I just saw it accidentally and…

\- Accidentally! You lifted the covers accidentally, eh?

\- No…

\- Would you mind leaving the room until I get dressed? – He pulled his legs under the covers forcefully and sent me a glance that made me shut up immediately.

\- I… I am waiting for you outside…- I stuttered.

\- If I wish to join you at all. – He snapped.

\- E…Erik… - I gasped, turning back.

\- Leave. – He pointed at the door. – Now!

This "now" was added on a volume three times louder than before, he wasn't yet yelling, but I was sure if I did not leave immediately, he will either yell at me by his full lung capacity or throw the nearest small object at my head. I did not wish to wait for that, partly because Erik had perfect aim and his pocketwatch was closest to him, which would knock my head a bit painfully, and I did not wish to anger Erik any more, so I left.

I was so angry at myself. I should not have looked at his feet, but I could not know… "If I wish to join you at all." Did it mean he did not love me any more? So he trusted me… I just could do whatever I wished to him… and I just betrayed him without even knowing it and now he thinks I did it on purpose and will never ever trust me again. Maybe he did not wish to have me around any more…? At all? "Leave" maybe did not only mean to leave the room? A shiver ran down my spine suddenly as I slowly understood that maybe the problem is bigger than I thought. My throat closed up from panic and I ran in the Louis- Philippe room's bathroom to splash some cold water on my face to cool my racing mind. As I washed my face I did not feel much better. I was biting my nails and had a panic attack. I wheezed and cried at the same time, knowing nothing of what the Hell to do now.

This was one of my biggest flaws. With my Autism I overworried everything and wasn't able to calm down easily, I got panic attacks of worrying, and I had uncomfortable, and sometimes dangerous thoughts. If I felt hopeless, I have thought of suicide sometimes, or leaving the place I currently was at, just fleeing from my problems. I know it sounded real childish, but I could not overcome my thoughts and feelings when one of these mood swings took over me. I felt useless, thankless, and worthless and a failure at everything I did. Simply a loser who does not deserve Erik's trust.

All of my work until now, my hard work to make Erik feel better and loved, just collapsed as a house of cards from a blow of the wind. All was for nothing and only I was to be blamed.

What if Erik does not want to talk to me ever again? Does he love me not? I could understand as I ruined everything. Just as usually. I was sure I did not want to wait for him to kick me out of the house. I wished to leave by myself and save both me and Erik from this extremely awkward and sad scenario.

I sat down on the floor in my room, in front of the dresser and pulled out the last drawer where I put the clothes I wore when I arrived here. The T shirt, the pair of jeans, a pair of pink Adidas trainers and my socks. As it was May when I arrived, I only needed these and nothing else. I slowly packed my stuff from the top of the dresser to that small jeans bag which was also with me originally. I knew Erik bought me much clothes, but I did not wish to take anything which wasn't originally mine as I considered it as theft on top of betrayal. I am going to leave just as I came. Suddenly the earrings came to mind, that they weren't "mine" either. Erik gave them to me, they were his in Persia. I removed them and put them on the top of the dresser so Erik was going to find them later. I removed all of my 19th century clothing and folded them as nicely as I could, and put them down on the Louis-Philippe bed, then put on my unused modern day clothes. Looking at my favorite T shirt, it did not give me any pleasure right now. It was always able to make me laugh up until today. I stroked the case of "my" violin for one last time, then I picked up my bag and left the room.

I was thinking if I should at least talk to him, for one last time but he sure did not want to… yet I decided I could not leave without saying good bye to him first after those things he had done to me… I would be simply thankless if I said nothing to him, leaving him all alone. I slowly walked to his door and I was just about to knock when I heard Erik's bitter voice from inside.

\- Oh, all of the women are so inquisitive… seems like you repaid the loan, did you? I don't like inquisitive women! Oh you… why did I trust her for a moment? Why did I find her…? Why…?

He regret the way we met and the mere fact as well. Seems like he had nothing to talk about any more. I did not knock. I only turned away with tearful eyes and walked back to my room. At least I write a few lines to him, and I collect Wolfy as well. Maybe Erik would throw him out anyway, so I would better take him with me to at least have some companion and save him from Erik's mood swings when he finds out only the cat was there. Wolfy let me scoop him up in my arm and with the letter in my hand I walked out to the salon. I placed the letter down on the table and sniffing, hardly able to see anything from my tears, I left the house by the lake.

 **Erik's diary**

 _9_ _th_ _February 1882_

 _Oh this child, she will scare me to death one day._

 _She nearly did today._

 _At first, I woke up to the sensation of my feet being unusually cold, and when I wanted to investigate why, I found her by the side of the couch, lifting the covers off of me, looking at me in my sleep. Well, of course I would not have been upset if she looks at my face, I already got used to that, but it was the other end of the bed. She was looking at me in my sleep, examining whatever on Earth she was curious of, seems like she wished to repay the loan, even though I already apologized for that act of mine…_

 _I am a heavy sleeper._

 _Terribly so. I am not sure if I was going to wake up to anything, save for coldness. I am not sure if she just checked my feet or something else as well, but seeing her reaction, I bet it was the latter option. She was so scared of me, and did not give coherent and desirable answers to my questions, so, I think, understandably I got a bit of upset at her and sent her out of the room._

 _By the time I got dressed and managed to calm down to finally clear things up with her, the house was too much silent. She would either play the piano or try to practice the violin, or listen to some kind of music, especially if she was upset, it calmed her, just like it did me. Or she would talk to the cat. Neither of these could be heard, and I already knew there was a huge problem._

 _I wasn't wrong, though I wished if I was._

 _She was missing. I found her clothes she wore for the last time, folded on the bed and the earrings put on the top of the dresser. All her stuff disappeared, save for the things she received from me. So did the cat disappear, I called out to it several times, but it did not run to show itself to me. I also found a piece of paper on the table in the drawing room, but it was already obvious what it contained. I simply had no time to read it, but had to find this little silly thing before it was too late. She was without a single franc, and did not even take a coat, only those unbearably light clothes she showed up in. It will be way too light in February on the streets, and she does not even do it for the first time, damn it! Freezing to death must sound pleasing to her every time we have a fight. Why did she leave at all? If she sits on her rear in patience I would have calmed down eventually to work things out, bon sang!_

 _Thankfully I found her quite easily, yet saving her from the danger she got herself into required some of my skills._

 _She did not even have the opportunity to leave the Opera, as in her obviously worked up state she did not pay enough attention not to get caught. The Shadow was already dragging her upstairs without a word, and I just got a heart attack, I daresay, seeing the scene. Of course, to make matters worse, she was unable to shut her little mouth, and at least stop fighting. The Shadow wasn't someone she could defeat, but she tried no matter how helpless she was against that grown up man, who easily caught the Daroga as well. She kicked (mostly missed), screamed and begged to be released by the full capacity of her lungs. I have already told her many times to be silent, always, and not to fight men she can't defeat, but oh, to whom I talked…? What did she think, really?_

 _I did not wish to reveal myself, as it was better to be careful with the Shadow. I could have killed him, of course, if I wanted to, but it wasn't a good idea unless I wished the whole Opera management to sniff after me in the cellars. I also did have to protect Juti, I wasn't only responsible for myself alone any more. I could have let the Shadow to take Juti to the Managers Office, as it was only the first time they found her, the Daroga also was taken there two times, so if another troublesome circumstances weren't in the situation, she would be most likely just asked to leave and never go down to the cellars again, but her clothing and her state of mind would have made the directors suspicious, and maybe she would have accidentally spoke of me, unintentionally, without wanting to hurt me. She was in panic, people talk without thinking then, and the least I wished was to be found and jailed, of course. I was slightly annoyed, of course, why she must run around in the cellars, endangering us? I had to get her back before the Shadow takes her upstairs, without being too much noticed and not to seriously hurt or kill this annoying man._

 _Also, I ought not to cause injuries on him, so knocking him out by a fist would not come as a solution. Thankfully I had other plans._

 _I waited for them in a secret tunnel, close to a landing, putting some ether on my handkerchief. Knocking him out will be quite enough. When I heard the screaming getting closer and closer, and my heart was pounding in my ear, I suddenly reached out to shove the handkerchief in his face. I had an easy job, thankfully. My hand, being so thin, wasn't visible to him, especially that his energies were occupied by restraining this small fighter amazon, and by throwing the handkerchief in his face his eyes got blocked and I had time to grab him by the collar and push the handkerchief against his nose and mouth. The Shadow finally released her as the anesthetic was starting to work, and Juti lost her remaining mind as well, finally being freed, running to the opposite direction, wheezing. I knew I had to stop her before panic makes her insane, thankfully she was heading to a dead- end, and wasn't able to get out of it by the time I arrived back. I simply put the Shadow on the second floor, and just left him to eventually wake up there. He won't remember anything, thankfully. Before leaving, I splashed some rum on his shirt and around his lips, if someone was going to find him, they will simply think he is drunk as Hell, passing out. Maybe he will have to find another job, thankfully? Maybe, even if he remembers something, no one shall believe him, after being so figure creed me out to tell the truth, and never dared to harm him so far, simply letting the guy do his job, though it would be easier for me if he left, no doubt. Juti was the first person ever I cared to save, and for her I even comfronted this man._

 _Arriving back to the fourth cellar I found Juti running into that same damned wall again and again, probably she was looking for a switch. She kicked the wall and desperately hit it by her fist, though I did not know why she not realized we never activated a switch there before. I sighed and walked behind her back to restrain her from receiving injuries, yet I should have known, restraining her without a word won't do me any good._

 _I usually handle pain quite well, and I don't cry out unless something really hurts. Well, she sure practiced some of her technique with the Shadow, or panic must have given her endless strength, as she now sent a very well – calculated kneeling to where it really hurts._

 _She gasped as I released her and went on the floor to collect my strength after the pain overtook me, and I wasn't able to concentrate on anything else for a good minute and a half. She was penitently kneeling next to me on the floor, trying to call my name a few times, making sure I was at least able to communicate. To tell the truth, there were a few seconds I really wished to strangle her then. She put her hand on my shoulder, comfortingly rubbing it, and her eyes reflected so much pain and remorse that I had no urge to hurt her any more. I am ashamed to admit, after the idea of killing her, I at least considered giving her a moderate slap on her face once I get up from the floor, but seeing how utterly sorry she was for accidentally hurting me, I did not wish to hit her any more. Especially that it was partly my fault. I should have warned her first, really._

 _I got up from the floor when I felt well enough to walk finally and asked her to follow me, without telling her any other things. I did not wish to argue with her now, and only hoped she will obey this time, as I did not really want to drag her around in the cellars. Thankfully she was either too scared or too penitent to object, so she just followed my path without a word._

 _When we entered the house, she just eyed me sadly, and cracked her fingers. She swallowed and looked around nervously, not knowing what to do now, as I noticed._

\- _Did I… make trouble? – She asked finally, turning to me. She did not dare to walk too close._

\- _Yes, some. None that I could not solve, though._

\- _Are you… angry?_

\- _Quite. – I nodded. – What do you expect?_

\- _I did not mean to make you angry. – She admitted._

\- _I hope so. – I nodded again, expecting her to explain her behavior better before I could forgive her. I sat down at my place and poured myself a glass of wine to at least calm down a bit._

\- _If I knew…_

\- _What? I told you many times to be quiet, because you will be caught. You knew it._

\- _Not that… - She stuttered. – But that… you will get angry because I watched your feet._

\- _Only that? – I lifted my head up a bit, searching her eyes, but she looked honest to me._

\- _Yes. Were you not angry because… I found out that…_

\- _My toes? – I nearly laughed out. – You thought I was angry about that?_

 _She nodded._

\- _Why…? Not?_

\- _Not. I thought you… you… looked at other things as well._

\- _I am not you. – She pointed at me suddenly, with a hint of accusation, which, contrary to my usual reaction to this kind of confrontation, did not make me angry. On the contrary, I suddenly felt ashamed. Terribly. I had no right to blame her about something I also committed against her, and even it seems she did not have it in mind. – I only wanted to tickle your feet to wake you up. – She sniffed._

\- _Oh dear… you are… so innocent, you little silly. – I shook my head to hide my utter shame the most I could._

 **Juti's POV**

Erik slowly went down on his knees in front of me and hugged me close to himself. He was shaking in all his body and buried his face in my stomach, I think to hide his face from my sight. I did not understand anything any more, but after a time he apologized to me, kissing the toe cap of my trainers, begging for my forgiveness in every ten seconds.

\- I made trouble. – I stuttered. – I should… apologize.

\- Oh no no no no no no no, dear… I am sorry… Erik is sorry… Juti, oh Juti, please… Erik did not mean to hurt you… did not mean to scare you… you did not mean it wrong… oh dear, why am I such a monster…?

\- Erik, no! Don't say such a thing… and I hurt you…

\- Ssssh… - He tried to calm down enough to be able to comfort me and started rubbing my back. We cried together for some time, but suddenly he noticed scratches on my arm. – Who… who did this? He? I will go back and chop off his head for that if so!

He jumped up angrily, his eyes glowing suddenly with a killing passion.

\- It was Wolfy. – I said softly. – He ran away. The Shadow scared him. – I sniffed, feeling guilt over losing my beloved little kitty.

\- Oh. – Erik cleared his throat. – That's another cup of tea. Well, come now, I take care of it. – He sounded much more relieved, knowing it was only the cat.

\- And now what…? – I tried to inquire about our current relationship. Erik guided me to his laboratory and sat me up on the table, while I was trying to figure out what on Earth to feel and think. I was already so upset and confused. Erik though, changed completely. He wasn't angry any more, he rather seemed to be worried and compassionate. He took care of me with so much love, so cautiously as I was an Easter egg, and he was looking into my eyes with so much guilt. He took care of my wounds caused by Wolfy, both on my arm and neck.

\- You know… - He started. – You are lucky that cat did not scratch your face. They can do nasty wounds on someone's face. And… it is luck he wasn't a bear. – He chuckled nervously- I have seen a bear go wild in Russia once. Oh, those can cause terrible injuries…

\- Erik, I am such a loser… - I sighed. – I made you angry and kicked you and even lost Wolfy… now he is alone and starving… he needs me and I ditched him…

\- Oh, please don't be so worked up. I have already told you I misunderstood your intents and over reacted. I tend to… say things I don't mean… when I am angry, and you know it. Juti, please understand… after a life I was going through… I have trouble trusting people. I often feel vulnerable and try to learn how to trust. That was all the game about the other day. But… sometimes I misunderstand you… but you should not feel I suddenly stopped loving you. Sorry, dear it is going to sting a bit… we shall not have it infected… so, I will never stop loving you. Maybe I get angry. Maybe I yell, though I try my best not to. But… please if I do… don't get so scared. Just wait until I calm down. We will work things out. I will never leave you.

\- Do you promise…? Do you promise I will never be able to make you so angry to leave me, Erik?

\- I could ask the same, dear. How can you bear my mood swings, you poor thing? I promise I try to be more patient… much more patient. And will never leave you. Never.

\- Me neither. – I inhaled through my nose as the liquid stung the wound.

\- Sorry. – Erik patted my back comfortingly. – We are almost done. And after, my dear, you are going to take some light medicin, and go to sleep. You see, you will be changed after that.

\- Erik…

\- Yes, my love?

\- You did not kill that man…? Right?

\- Not at all. And I won't, if it worries you. You may sleep calmly, Erik won't kill anyone.

\- That is good because I am really sleepy.

\- Fear does that. – He sighed, then gave me a small spoon of laudanum. I already knew it by the taste. – Well, go to sleep dear, Erik has some business to do now. But I will be back by the time you wake up.

I was calm to go to bed, as I believed Erik when he said he would not kill anyone. I did not know why, but I had no doubt he was honest, even though I knew he had killed many people and I also knew he lied to people, even to those he loved. I just felt I had to trust him, and show him I believed what he said.

I went to bed and saw Erik wavwed goodbye to me from the door of my room when I climbed on the huge sleigh bed. I smiled and waved back to him and happily fell asleep.

When I opened my eyes after a refreshing sleep, I felt something soft touched my face. I put on my glasses to find Wolfy sitting on my chest. I hugged and kissed him happily, his fur was still cool from the chilly weather in the cellars. He purred and rubbed against my face, slightly digging his claws in my T shirt.

\- Are you happy, my dear? – Erik smiled at me, leaning closer.

\- You found him… - I smiled. – Thank you!

\- I have been searching for him in the cellars in the past three hours. – He sat down next to the bed, and stroke my forehead. His hand was also cooler than usual. – Just came home.

\- You said you did not like him. – I tested Erik. – I thought you were happy about I lost him…

\- He doesn't bother me. – He shrugged and smiled warmly. – And your happiness worths searching the cellars for a cat. And well, Erik hoped to receive some reward for the found object. – He blinked with a childish naughtiness.

\- Oh. – I giggled. – What kind of a reward would the Monsieur like to receive? – I sat up, putting Wolfy on the bed next to me.

\- Countity and quality of the payment is always up to the owner of said object. – He replied.

\- Well. If it is up to me, then I would say…

I got up and went close to him, then sat on his lap which he let me do without any objections, and curiously and happily waited for the happenings. I cupped his face in my hands, slowly petting each centimeters of his skin, which I did not really have the opportunity to do before, then I passionately kissed him on the lips, with as much love as I could. Erik kissed back without hesitation, and hugged me close. His trembling hands wandered along my neck and back, while he kissed me again and again, on the forehead, cheeks, lips, and now even on my neck. He kissed my neck and my ear long and with much passion, which caused me to laugh out as it tickled me.

As he stopped kissing my neck, he again looked into my eyes, and gave himself completely to a last, and the most passionate kiss on the lips. It was the best kiss we had so far, thrilling and full of love. Practice makes the master- and it seems like Erik really had the urge to practice.


	32. Perfectly Imperfect

Juti's POV

Practicing the violin wasn't always that easy as I had imagined before.

To thell the truth, it was extremely hard compared to what I had in my mind earlier, when I only had the opportunity to watch other people pley the instrument, with so much grace and seemingly as easily as it was just a child's toy. Well, I knew it will most likely not be so easy, but… I got the violin for Christmas, and was still unable to play at least acceptably by bow. I always thought it was the left hand part which was a true challenge with this instrument, as you had to move your fingers fast on the fingerboard, and very much precisely to get the right note. Though, as I realized, finding the notes and tuning were the easiest part of playing, well, for me at least. I was already past that silly girl who broke the E string by the first tuning both on Erik's and my own violin. My positive side in music was always my perfect pitch, which made tuning way much less of a fuss. Maybe this is why I was able to locate the place of the notes on the fingerboard so easily, even without stickers, as Erik refused to put fingering chart on my violin, claiming it will only make the process slower and I should be able to learn the place of the notes without any aid, but all I was able to do was plucking the strings and hold down a note. It was a crystal clear note then, but when I tried to use the bow it resulted in worse sounds than when Wolferl cried out because Erik accidentally (yes, it really was an accident, as Erik got scared as well), stepped on the kitten's tail once while walking. Bowing was way harder, and yet I thought it was the easier part. What can go wrong, you only have to pull the bow across a string. Oh, how silly I was… At first, that bow was hard to hold properly. If Erik showed me how to hold it and I tried to hold it in the desired position, it became extremely tiring and painful after even a few notes. My pinky kept slipping off of its place, suddenly sometimes causing the whole bow to slide out from under my fingers, and it was extremely hard for me to position the bow right, so it will go in a straight line. My right hand was in constant pain while practicing, which made me having to stop after just a few strokes and I had to massage my shoulder or elbow to be able to practice again.

I started to lose hope after these months of seemingly staying in the same level of progress, only getting more and more routine with tuning and plucking. I was now able to "play" songs by plucking on the strings, but I could hardly play a clear note with the bow. Can it be I am talentless with the violin? Can it be someone who was able to learn an instrument, was completely unable to figure out how to play another?

I was sitting on my bed for long long minutes in a practice session, trying to figure out how to solve my technical flaws. Erik only helped if I directly asked him, but he never actively interfered. Maybe this was also because he realized I wasn't talented enough to be bothered with? I never dared to ask him about that, I only kept trying. I did not want to give up… but sometimes I started to wonder if I was good enough for anything at all.

I was trying to play "Twinkle twinkle little star" yet again. Just as always. Well, I have to admit that at least it did resemble the melody I was trying to play, but it was still too little, and too late for my taste. I was extremely slow and entirely flawed. And there came, yet again, the screeching I hated to hear. Partly because I did not like the sound I produced, but partly because I was ashamed in front of Erik because of the quality, or the lack of it of my playing. I knew he wasn't in the room, but my screeching was sure pretty much hearable to him, and my face burned with shame about my inability to play a single easy melody.

I packed the violin in its case in a bad mood that day again, and with a deep sigh, I went out to the dining room and sat in front of the piano. I needed some achievement at least, some positive example of my musical talent which I started questioning by that moment. I opened the fallboard and hit a few accords just to warm up. I must have hurt my right hand by bowing as my shoulder was painful to move sometimes, and my wrist did not want to move as fast as I wished it to. I did not care. Physical boundaries weren't going to restrain me from playing music, finally. I started a Mozart sonata I loved much, "Sonata Facile" in C major. As the name indicated, it was literally the easiest of his all sonatas for piano, and I was able to play it just fine before. With my right hand in pain though, I could not. A trill made my fingers slip and I messed up the entire measure, which made me extremely frustrated. I jumped up from the chair, slammed the fall board down by full force and yelled

\- God fucking damn this shit! You talentless dumb ugly bitch!

\- Language. – I heard Erik's soft warning behind my back.

\- I don't fucking care!

\- You'd better care, as if I hear one more cussword leaving those beautiful little lips of yours, I shall wash your mouth out with soap.

\- Would you? – I paused.

\- Totally. – He nodded seriously. – Will do.

\- Sorry. – I apologized quickly.

\- What is wrong? Tell me. But please without cussing, I dislike it.

\- Oh don't pretend you don't do it! – I chuckled.

\- I have to admit I do, sometimes, but it is not a solution, so I try to avoid it as well. And don't forget, you are a girl after all. Cussing is bad enough from a man, but from a lady it is worse. Who told me she wished to be more ladylike, eh?

\- Touché. – I shrugged agreeably. – So the problem is I am not talented… and I am frustrated to no end. Just like you were.

\- I understand. – Erik stated calmly. – Reason why you think so.

\- I can't play a fu… ummm… finely easy melody on the violin by the bow.

\- And when did you start playing, hm?

\- After Christmas.

\- Which month we are in?

\- February.

\- Exactly. – Erik nodded gracefully. – What do you expect?

\- So you say I am not… slow?

\- Compared to what or whom?

\- I don't know. Anyone else… you…?

\- Me? – He sighed through his nose and shook his head. – Juti, you must not compare your progress to someone else's.

\- You knew more than me after two months, did you?

\- One and a half. – He corrected. – And I refuse to answer.

\- Why?

\- Because you are not Erik. You shall not go in Erik's tempo. You are you and you learn in your own pace. You are not Erik, or not "anyone else". Erik wants to have a nose, like everyone else. Can he? No. You want to learn faster? Can you? No. You overstrain your arm like this as well, I can see it. You are way too much stressed about wanting to go fast. Erik was the same way, don't worry. But you should understand it is not the right way to go.

\- So you say it does not matter if I play "Twinkle twinkle" after… maybe five months…?

\- Even the first position on a violin requires months to learn. Not days. Not weeks. MONTHS. You have never played any of the string section, which means you simply underestimated the technical skills needed for learning to play this instrument.

\- It seemed so easy.

\- It definitely does. Everything looks easy until someone else does it. – Erik chuckled. – Anyway, just practice and you will develop. Maybe you won't notice right away, but after a while your progress will be visible to you as well.

\- Do I progress…?

\- Of course. – He nodded. – Just go on. Keep up the work. But I guess we need to talk a bit.

He sat down next to me and looked into my eyes. He looked like he was wording the right sentences to start, which wasn't an easy job for him, as he was silent for a while. Finally he put his hand on my shoulder and closed his eyes, then started speaking, seriously and softly.

\- You know, it hurts me to hear how very low you think of yourself many times. – He sighed. – Anyway, why is that if I praise you for something, your reply is instantly that I am much better in that said occupation than you are?

\- Because it is true. You are perfect in everything and…

\- What? – His jaw dropped and he stared at me in amazement.

\- You are perfect in everything…- I repeated, thinking he just had a lazy ear for some reason.

He stared at me as if I was from another planet, he tilted his head from side to side, then, I think involuntarily, he laughed in my face. His laughter was maniacal and bitter at the same time, which turned to nervous gasping as he ran out of oxygen. Gasping turned to cough, and he had to turn away from me to wipe his eyes and nose.

\- Erik, I mean it! – I reassured.

\- The bigger the problem is. – He cleared his throat. He turned back to me with much worry over his face.

\- Why?

\- Don't you even know why? Child! You CAN'T say I am perfect! Erik is NOT perfect. Far from it, very much far. Oh dear. The things you say, are sometimes scary. Like you were insane, my dear.

\- But to me you are and I wish to be like you.

\- Oh I don't wish you to be like me, not the least. It is much better you don't resemble me in anything, Juti, oh, not the slightest.

\- I just wish I had half your talent in everything.

\- You most likely do. And who measures talent anyway? And you seem to forget something. Erik is MUCH older than you. If we just tstick with the actualy age difference between us, it is still 21 years to my advance. 21 years, child. I am at least twice as old as you are, I had 21 more years in life to study and master everything I know this day. Knowledge and technical skills did not just drop on Erik's lap, he had to work hard for it. Do you think you won't be so skilled in 21 years from now, hm?

\- I am afraid not. But maybe you are right in a way.

\- Oh come on. We need to discuss this, I am afraid you are… seeing me as a type of demigod or… I don't know, someone supernatural. You look up at me with so much adoration it scares me sometimes. Erik is just a man, my dear, and not a good person at all. You respect me too much.

\- You deserve it.

\- Respect is not a bad thing in itself, of course, and everyone deserves at least a bit of it, yes, but with the fact you belittle yourself so much while putting me up so high, who does not belong so high at all, you put yourself down into dirt where you most certainly do not belong either. Balance, child. It is your problem. Both ways.

\- What both ways?

\- I want to say that you don't balance your respect towards us right. 100 at me and nearly 0 at yourself is far from the desired outcome. And your bowing is flawed because you don't balance the bow right either.

\- You might be right. – I scratched my head. – But how to help this?

\- I have an idea. You usually don't like if I insult myself, but you have to see I am not perfect either… oh ho, such an idea, I still have to laugh… so I tell you the things I am literally TERRIBLE at my dear.

\- You can't be terrible at something.

\- Oh goodness. Child, just shut your little face and pay attention, will you? No one is perfect. Not you, not me, not anyone. Let's play a game. Tell me one of your weaknesse, and I tell one of mines. You will see Erik is just as flawed as you are, if not more. Deal?

\- Deal. – I nodded.

\- So, I start: Erik's handwriting. Is it beautiful, hm?

\- Well, no.

\- See? It is terrible. Unreadable. I can't read it either sometimes. And before you say, it is just a matter of practice: to me it isn't. I have tried to make it look better. Never succeeded. Your turn.

\- I am afraid of heights. – I admitted, as he did not know it before.

\- I could have sworn with your sense of balance. – He nodded. – And do you know what I am afraid of, hm?

\- People?

\- Yes, but what else? You will laugh.

\- Ummm… fire?

\- No.

\- Scorpions?

\- Nonsense. I like them a lot.

\- Then?

\- Unexpected physical touch.

\- Oh should have known. – I laughed out.

\- Not from you any more, but there were times it scared me if you touched me without warning. I just tried not to show. So… let's get to inabilities: what do you think you can't do?

\- Many things. I can't calculate, I can't draw like you and I can't tie my shoes like everyone else either.

\- As for how you tie your shoes, I am not sure, I never paid attention to it. But unless it stays tied, who are others to judge? Tie it as you can. You might not be able to calculate (which is an exaggeration, I am pretty much sure, but still), you might not be able to draw a photo- realistic portrait, but the drawing you made of me met my liking pretty much, I must say.

\- Really? – I asked cheerfully.

\- Yes. You succeeded in capturing my personality without going into unnecessarily stomach turning details. Simple but correct. It is just you use another style to draw than I do. It does not mean either is better or worse than the other. Just as your music. You still have time to improve, and it is your style. Your own. You don't have to and should not copy me. I know Erik tried to copy Bach and Mozart in his youth as well. He was in his teens and wished to be the second Mozart, but all he did sounded terrible. And do you know why?

\- Because you are not Mozart.

\- Exactly. – He nodded vehemently. – Erik is Erik, and needed to find his own way to communicate through music. And it is not because it is mostly atonal and I invented something against my will. NO! It is simply because I felt this way to compose the closest to my soul. And that is what you have to figure out within time… but you still have time! So… we were at my weaknesses, weren't we? I am not going to list my obvious physical defects and disfigurements, but we can agree that in itself is far from what we call perfect. But to list something other than my looks: my temper. Just say I am not right.

\- You are.

\- Yes. And I am impatient, bossy, controlling, manipulative and jealous. Truly perfect personality traits for sure. And which is even worse, you seem to respect a serial killer and put him on pedestal.

\- You are not a serial killer.

\- No? How would you call a person who murdered a handful of people then, hm?

\- Self- defense…?

\- Don't be ridiculous. There were many deaths I could have avoided if I wanted to. But I did not want to. I wanted to kill them. I wanted their life to end just because I decided they SHALL end. Just think of the chandelier! Think of it! You KNOW about the chandelier, girl! Do not pretend you don't!

\- It was an accident. – I was sheepishly stubborn.

\- Accident. – Erik really seemed to lose his temper slowly as he stood up from next to me and took a few circles around the piano. – Accident? Juti, why are you so naïve? Such coincidences, are they? A chandelier falls right at the time I have trouble with the directors! You are capable of even believeing the Bible itself word by word if you can take such a nonsense! Accident…

\- Well…

\- You try to defend Erik so blatantly it even makes me sick. At least be honest to yourself! I repeat how would you name a person who kills many people? Answer!

\- A murderer. – I said softly.

\- Better answer. And the problem is they don't even have to hurt me if I want to kill someone! Can't you see that? Have you really forgotten what nearly happened to YOU in person?

\- It was a long time ago. And you would not do it today.

\- No, of course, not. – He sighed in irritation. – But it is not the point. If you did not write that sheet music on the wall, and I don't start to respect you for the will to compose in your solitude and illness, you would be LONG dead and either buried in the cellars in an unmarked grave, or put somewhere so people would find your body! It was only a matter of MY state of health and if I was in a mood to dig a grave! Can't you SEE that?

\- Erik… I forgive you.

\- Oh, you… you… Juti… I have committed terrible sins, don't you understand?

\- I do. – I sniffed, as it was a bit painful to listen to. – But… please let's not talk about this, Erik, I…

\- Yes, child, yes we do talk about this! Because I don't want you to see me as a miserable angel you have to follow like God!

\- Erik, do you want me to leave you or what?

\- No. If you STILL can stay with me after I confess some of the things I had committed… - He fell to his knees in front of me, but did not touch me anywhere and pulled away when I wanted to stroke his shoulder. This time he did not wish to be comforted or pitied. – But I want you to understand who I am. You DON'T know what I am capable of. I don't get why the chandelier wasn't enough to convince you, but there is more… oh terribly so, there is more.

Partly, I have to admit I was curious of what might have Erik committed earlier but part of me was terribly afraid if he was going to reveal some really creepy and dark secret. I did not have to be disappointed of that fact- he did.

\- If it wasn't enough... know who are you talking to. I am going to tell you some of the things I am… not proud of… at all.

\- Ummm… what did you do?

\- Are you squeamish?

\- Not really, I used to watch horror movies.

\- Torture. Torture was my forte. – He said ominously.

\- I know, the Torture Chamber. – I nodded.

\- It is mainly mental torture. – He shook his head. – Of course, the heat is pain. But… there were times I used a lot more graphic and physical violence. In my youth. If you have known me back then I am sure… you would be terribly afraid of me, because you knew who I am. Just to list a few examples: I liked to chop off their noses… to cut out tongues… to… skin them alive…

\- You did not… you did NOT. – I tried to convince myself that Erik wasn't capable of such a thing.

\- Oh but of course, I did! And you know what else I did? I dissected them, each and every organ, with a doctor's interest and accuracy, thinking nothing of how they died by my own hands and who they were. I felt NO PITY for them, and this is the worst. And I still feel no pity… for anyone else but you.

\- And the Daroga. – I corrected. – You like the Daroga, don't deny it.

\- I did NOT CARE… if he died. I would not have. – He stood up and slowly came closer, looking into my eyes.

\- It isn't true and you know it. And you saved his life.

\- Oh… don't come with this…

\- And you saved mine. – I went on.

\- I nearly caused your death! – He cried out impatiently. – You were clinically dead by the time I arrived to the cellars! I had to reanimate you TWICE! Can you hear me?

\- But in the end you saved me.

\- Oh God, you are… can you hear what you say? This is the man you love, you look up on, you respect like God! He kills people without a second thought! Wake up!

He started crying hard, he could hardly breathe, then suddenly turned around to desperately leave the room, running to his own suite, closing the door.

I was left alone with my thoughts, as Erik fled from me and did not return during the night. To be honest, deep down in my heart I feared something that sort might have happened before. Seemingly it was in Erik's teens, and in Persia, as he mentioned he was young…, and Erik already mentioned he was much wilder in his youth, as people treated him as a monster, and nowadays he simply did not commit as many sins just because of the fact he was turning old and tired of bloodshed. I knew Erik had committed terrible sins, and I was sure it was way better for me if I knew none of the Rosy Hours of Mazendaran, but I might have been extremely stupid, as I still did not hate him, or wish to leave him. I was sure I was going to be able to work this out with him, but not that night. Erik needed to calm down and so did I. Sure he did terrible things, and I am not saying I could accept it, but at least his past explained his actions. It did not excuse them though. But seeing the poor guy was so sorry about it looking back, and he did not hurt me in the end… and none others since I was with him… If someone is with him who loves him, maybe he won't feel he needed to commit sins… maybe was this my fate, to save his soul?

One thing was sure:

Next day it was Valentine's Day, and I planned to explain him he was getting a gift this year: my love and presence with him. No matter if he was a good person or not, I loved him. He was perfectly imperfect for me. Maybe I was insane, but I really felt so. Even after getting to know some of his darkest secrets.

Just as Erik himself though, Valentine's Day was perfectly imperfect for us that year. At first I did not dare to wake Erik up, after last night, I did not know if he was in good enough shape to talk and bear my presence with him, and I wished to let him have a good night's sleep and think things through.

It was way past eleven o clock when I started worrying. Erik would have showed up, at least to inform me he wasn't in the mood for talking and socializing with me, which I would have understood, of course, but he just simply did not show up, and it worried me. I knocked on his door to make sure he was all right, and sure, he wasn't.

\- Go away… please… - He moaned. His voice sounded so worn out, he sounded like he did not sleep the whole night. Understandable.

\- Erik, you don't need to be so worked up. – I said. – I am not angry with you.

\- Juti please… - He sighed.

\- We need to talk. – I stated.

\- Not now.

\- Why? Erik, you can't just stay in your room forever.

\- Not forever… just… oh leave me alone…

\- Erik, stop this, please!

\- Leave me aloooone. – He whined. – Go away and leave me.

\- Okay, two minutes. Do you bear my presence for two minutes?

\- No.

He never said so before. Even if he was extremely angry, he would never say he did not want me around at all. Why can't he at least talk to me for two minutes to be sure we were fine? Why does he not let me forgive him?

\- Why? – I asked after a few moments of silence.

Erik did not reply. I called out to him a few times, but still he did not reply. Now what was going on? To find it out I did not hesitate to enter to his bathroom, and through it I got in his room. He will never learn to lock the bathroom door if he wanted to get rid of me.

\- You think it is so easy to get rid of me?

I asked out loud. His room was completely dark, he did not lit even a gas lamp. I could not see him anywhere either, not even his eyes. Maybe he isn't here at all, but he was throwing his voice to talk to me from somewhere else?

\- Erik, you here?

A muffled moan came from the couch and finally I could see one of his eyes opened. Was he still in bed?

\- Why the Hell can't you leave me alone if I ask you so? – He sounded irritated.

\- I just was confused. I thought you wanted to get rid of me, and I...

\- The only thing… I am getting rid of repeatedly… are my stomach contents. – He sighed. – If there is any left by now.

\- Are you ill? – I asked with compassion, walking closer.

\- Mhm. – He sighed in a bad mood. – Leave me alone, I haven't slept all night.

\- Poor Erik. – I put my hand on his forehead to check for his temperature, just as he did to me when I was ill, but he suddenly jolted up sitting and pulled away. His forehead felt warmer than usual.

\- Did I not ask you to go away? – He asked angrily. – And wash your hands! Now! Immediately!

\- Erik, you don't have leprosy I think.

\- Certainly not. – He moaned. – But what if you catch my stomach flu or what the Hell is it…?

\- Then we will throw up together. – I laughed out.

\- A nice sight that would be. – He sure wasn't well enough to be in a sitting position as he lay down again. – Go wash your hands and go away.

\- I… Are you sure you are fine here alone? You don't seem to be well.

Silence. Erik's eyes closed, and he sighed deeply, not with irritation though, it only sounded tiredness. For a few minutes, I thought he fell asleep, as he was completely silent, but some of his movements indicated he was still awake. He pressed his hand against his stomach and moaned. I sat down next to the couch, trying to figure out what to do to help him.

\- I am… certainly not well. – He replied finally, after I think, ten minutes, or so, when I did not even expect him to do so any more. – But… I am not dying, only throwing up with a headache and some dizzyness and can't be up for long. But I can take care of myself.

\- You seem to be feverish though.

\- Maybe. – He sighed in a bad mood, and closed his eyes again.

I went to his bathroom to get the thermometer from his bathroom cabinet. Mine contained one, I was sure his did so as well. I wasn't wrong. Returning to the room I leaned closer to him, trying to put the thermometer in his mouth, but he did not like the idea.

\- What… are you doing?

\- We should check it no?

\- What…? Check what…?

Poor guy, he clearly wasn't in his best state of mind.

\- Your temperature.

\- Why the Hell shall we? I feel awful, but what is our… benefit of knowing my temperature…? Eh?

\- Okay, we shall not then. But how can I help you?

\- I have already told you to go away. Let me sleep.

\- All right. I make something for you to eat.

\- Are you deaf? I can't keep anything down. – He sighed. – I don't want to eat.

\- You have already lost weight the last time while composing, and now you are going to lose more. – I worried.

\- Most likely.

\- You are already so thin.

\- Oh, come on… why do you keep staying next to me? Why do you worry so much?

\- I want to help you. If you are ill, I don't feel comfortable leaving you to yourself just to suffer alone.

\- What do you think… did happen when I was without you? I was always alone when I was ill. I am used to it.

\- If you want me to leave I will. But if you wish me to stay here and comfort you I am more than happy to do so.

\- Comfort…? When you are sick…? – His eyes lit up with interest.

\- Yes, like… staying by your side and helping you with anything you need… reading to you… holding your hand… like a mother does to a sick child. And like you did it to me before.

\- Oh… - He examined me with a hint of hope, but after his eyes reflected sadness again. – Only once… once in my life… it happened. Mother… she sang for me when I was… very ill. Much more so than I am now.

\- Still, if you want it, I can do so.

\- Oh no… don't sing… I have a terrible headache and… aren't you afraid of getting this from me?

\- I don't mind.

\- You are… clearly insane. Who wants this for themselves if they can avoid touching a sick old monster?

\- Because I love that sick old monster. – I smiled, then leaned closer to kiss him, but he lifted his hands up in protest.

\- No! Do not kiss me… I am contagious.

\- Okay, just your forehead. Look! – I kissed my own fingers, then placed them on his forehead.

\- Still you touched me. Wash your hands.

\- How much I shall wash them, come on?

\- Every time you touch Erik, and every time before you touch any food. – He warned seriously, then swallowed. – Should not have mentioned food. – He sighed.

\- Erik… about… about what you said last night… - I started, looking at him anxiously. – I have to tell you that… I still love you. – I admitted. – No matter what you did and… I wish to stay with you.

\- Really…? Can it be someone … does not care…? – He reached out, but pulled his hand back at his side just before I could have touched him. – Maybe I am hallucinating from fever…?

\- No. – I shook my head. -I love you.

He did not reply. He looked at me for some seconds in confusion, then he suddenly wanted to jump up and pass me, but he did not feel well enough to jump up fast enough and had not enough time to reach the bathroom. Poor thing was so sick it was painful to watch, and I wasn't angry at all, even though some of it ended up on my lap.

\- Fuck! – Erik exclaimed in frustration, but I gently took his arm, and pulled him back on the couch.

\- Nothing is wrong, Erik, it is okay. – I tried to calm him, while I massaged his shoulders, carefully, not to hurt him. – Shhh calm down, it is okay.

\- Now are you happy…? – He whined. – Must you watch me… being so disgusting?

\- You are not disgusting, Erik, you are ill. That is not the same.

\- Everyone… else would have just… just… would have fled… in disgust…

\- You told me I wasn't everyone else, did you not?

He did not talk, only sighed deeply, but he was so sick he did not want to bother, as I noticed. He lay back to rest, and let me wipe his mouth for him.

\- I just threw up on you… and you are not disgusted? – He still could not believe this.

\- In a reversed situation would you say I was disgusting? – I asked back.

\- No… most likely not. – He shook his head. – But you are not a monster like Erik… you are a pure and beautiful girl.

\- Erik, would it make you feel better if I told you I also had committed sins…?

\- I can imagine. – Erik snorted. – Did you steal sugar cubes from the kitchen when you were small?

\- I have stolen… yes I have. – I said softly, while I carried in water in a bucket and a rag.

\- Do not dare to mop it up! – Erik gasped, and wanted to sit up again, but he moaned in pain again, as he wanted to move too quickly.

\- Stay there. – I said strictly. – And I have stolen a book for example.

\- From where on Earth? – He inquired, as he lay back down.

\- The local library. It was a book I could not buy from anywhere else as it was too old and not republished. The library had two copies and I stole one of them.

\- Terrible sin. – He smiled. – Have you confessed it?

\- Yes, now to you.

\- Have you stolen money yet? Hm?

\- No.

\- Then…? – He chuckled.

\- Stealing is stealing… I think.

\- Do you know you are actually cute…? Trying to comfort me... – He smiled.

\- Finally a smile. – I laughed while scrubbing the floor.- Erik, no one is perfect as you said… but no matter what you did and no matter how sick you might be, you are still the man I love. You are… perfectly imperfect for me.

\- Oh… I think this is one of the biggest compliments… I have ever received. – He smiled again. – Just like you are to me, dear… perfectly imperfect…

\- Thank you! – I giggled.

\- Only one thing… bothers me still. I wished to get up early today to go out to shop for you for Valentine's Day… and Erik is not well enough to go out…

\- Oh Erik, do you think it is important? The important thing is you concentrate on getting better.

\- You are too good to me. I… I am going to make up for it once I feel good enough to walk around on the streets…

\- And until that I am here to help you. No matter what. Now I leave you to sleep, and I am going to change into something clean… don't worry it is okay… but I am going to look at you regularly and if you need something, tell me.

\- Will do… thanks. – He turned to face the backrest of the couch, and got surprised when I covered him up with some blankets. I stroke his back comfortingly, then whispered.

\- Sweet dreams, Erik, feel better.

\- Wash… your… hands…

He murmured half sleeping, as I touched him, but as I turned away to leave his room, he was already sound asleep. I received the best gift for Valentine's Day: Erik himself. And he has my love. The rest is not important, only Erik shall feel better. And I am going to help him with that.


	33. Purest Intentions

Taking care of Erik wasn't as easy as I had imagined though. I'd have helped him with anything he needed, but Erik was simply too stubborn to accept help or to admit he needed it.

He rather got up from the couch, rather laboriously and staggered to the bathroom to drink from the sink than telling me he was thirsty, even though I was present in the room. He acknowledged my presence, but he did not like the fact, as it seemed to me.

I knew he needed sleep and rest the most, and so I did not want to bother him by sitting by his side the whole day, so I left the room mostly and let him sleep the whole afternoon, hoping it was just a sickness lasting for a day as a stomach flu usually does. Erik also tried to convince me he will get better by next morning, but as the evening of V- day came I started to seriously doubt it will get much better by morning as Erik looked much worse than before.

As I checked on him, he looked rather pale, exhausted and in pain. He did not speak, I think he was too sick to have the urge to talk. His breathing indicated he had higher fever than before and sadly vomiting did not stop either during the day.

He ate nothing, which was understandable with his nausea and stomach pain but the scarier part was he drank way too little compared to such an illness and even if he did, he ended up getting rid of it before he could have used the bigger amount of fluid intake. I was terrified of the thought of dehydration and wasn't sure how people solved it during the ancient times like the 1880s. I knew if Erik was in 2018 I 'd simply drag him to the ER of the local hospital in my town and even without any proper documents of his I would fight until he receives treatment with whatever medication needed and infusions. Was it even a thing back here? IV? How I wished I was rather studying to become a nurse at school at that moment... or if at least I had a child… mothers in training do know a lot about how to cure their sick children. Wait, what would I do in my time if I was sick to my stomach? Take some meds, yes, but the meds Erik uses are totally not what I do use, I don't know them. Drink Coke. Coke, if you wait for the sparkles to go away, is good for nausea especially cooled down. But I am not sure it exists now, and I am not sure Erik liked it or not- he often dislikes something too sweet, and well, cola is sweet. Even if we had it.

He did not move, only lay on the couch and massaged his wrist on a strange way. Does it hurt for him too or what?

At least I should ask him what on Earth to do to him to help. Does he maybe know…? He is a Doctor after all…

\- Erik... - I called out.

\- Eh? - I learned by now that if he only reached by this "eh?" it meant he did not really want to talk to me, otherwise he'd have said "Yes?" It was wiser not to bother him too much then.

\- Are you feeling better? - I know it was literally the stupidest question I could have come up with in this situation, but I simply did not know how else to start the conversation. Erik did of course, the thing he was best at: sarcasm.

\- Do I look like that? - He moaned.

\- Not really. -I admitted.

\- Your logic is flawless. - He sighed deeply.

\- Okay I just… wanted to ask if I can help you.

\- I am able to suffer all by myself. I need no help with that.

\- I meant with curing you.

\- No. – He shook his head.

An uncomfortable silence came. None of us spoke and I did not know what to do. I felt helpless and unable to make him feel better, no matter how I wanted to. Again, after a few minutes, I broke the silence which was too much choking for me.

\- Ummm… Do you still have a headache? – I went on.

\- Throbbing. – He nodded, then put his right hand on his temple to massage it a bit.

\- Do you want me to kiss it better? – I asked, hoping my affection would at least make him a bit of happier, but he was not in the mood for that.

\- I don't want you to kiss or touch me. And go away. And if you must be here, shut up at least. But it would be best if you did not walk around me… at least cover your mouth if you insist on… eh… leave me alone.

I nodded and walked away, but I could not resist turning back from the door frame to send him a final smile and waving before going out of the room. I could not see his reaction from that far too clearly, but he sure lifted up his head. His body language indicated a hint of surprise.

I walked back to my room, and tried to search for a thing to occupy my mind with. I did not want to play any instruments as Erik wasn't sleeping as deep as he did before because of his stomach pain his sleep was disturbed anyway and he fell asleep harder, so playing music would most likely wake him up. A silent activity I loved and was just as creative was drawing. I already figured out what I was going to draw, or to be clear paint. I found some great drawings of a castle or what in one of the drawers of the Louis-Philippe dresser, they was just not colored. I chose the most beautiful one which was the most detailed of the whole stack. I looked at it in adoration, Erik really was an awesome artist. The building looked like some kind of oriental castle, and I could almost see the colors when I closed my eyes. There was something, a few lines written on the paper, most likely by pencil, but due to Erik's usually unreadable handwriting and the fact that the pencil writing faded during the long years, I wasn't able to read it. The only thing I presumed in the down left corner was his signature. I did not know why did he sign a sketch, but who was I to question it? I packed out my watercolor set, and dreamily started working.

Well, I could have been more careful, and did not consider the paper's age while applying water, as I succeeded in smudging the outlines at a few (well, not that few sadly) places with the paint and water, and I accidentally splashed a few drops of water on the paper where it left a mark, but the coloring in itself did turn out quite well. I smiled and blew on the paper a few times to help the paint dry. I was excited, as I meant to give it as a get well gift to Erik, he sure will be happy to see this colored. I left the paper on the top of the dresser for a few minutes to dry in peace while I was making tea for Erik. At least he should drink, and I will make him something to drink.

He also said something about covering my mouth…

Sure he was afraid I was going to catch his illness, but he was just over reacting I guess. If I was going to catch it, I would, no matter what. I washed my hands just as many times as he ordered me, but if it was going to make him feel better, I might cover my mouth…

He did not get rid of all of his masks. I found one in the Louis-Philippe dresser as well, though I wasn't sure he knew of it, maybe he had forgotten about it. The mask was the usual "barbe du masque" he used to wear, that was a domino mask with a thinner part which covered his lips and chin as well, so it will be perfect to cover my mouth. I put it on, curiously, to see how could it feel to go around in one of these, if not all day, but for some time. Well, it wasn't comfortable with glasses, just as I expected. As the mask wasn't creaed for my head, it kept slipping down a bit, but I would always readjust, it wasn't a big deal. It felt nothing special for a time, so I just decided to walk in to bring the tea for Erik. It cooled down a bit so it wasn't already hot, he could easily drink.

When I entered the room, I just wished to place the tray on the small table originally, then leave the room, but Erik was unusually silent. I stopped and listened for a few moments, trying to make sure he was sleeping, but he did not snore as he always did when sleeping. He lay there motionlessly, not even turning or kicking in his sleep… I leaned closer and I wasn't able to hear anything. Panic overtook me and I wasn't able to think normally, just desperately grabbed his shoulders and shook him with fright, calling his name constantly.

\- What… what the Hell do you want? – He snorted angrily.

\- Oh thank Heavens you…

\- Why are you wearing my mask? – He went on a bit irritatedly, not waiting for my endless relief to come at a surface.

\- You said I have to cover my mouth and it does… - I explained.

\- Certainly. – He sighed. – And why don't you leave me alone?

\- I am sorry I thought you were… dead. I could not hear you breathe and…

\- Oh come on! How many times I have to tell you: I am just sick! Not dying. I slept deep. That is all. I am tired. – He waved in the air and lay down again.

\- Erik, as you are awake…

\- As you successfully woke me after I finally had fallen asleep… - He moaned.

\- Yes, but you should drink. – I poured him a cup of tea and leaned closer to him to hand him the cup. He did not really want to sit back up to get it. – Erik…

\- Leave me alone. I don't want it.

\- You should drink some, at least a bit. Please.

\- I do NOT want it. – He repeated and turned his back to me.

\- Erik drink this or else I will pour it all over your head. – He was stubborn but I could be that as well.

Erik turned back to me, got up in a half sitting position on his elbow and took the cup from me with a groan, then drank half the contents, then handed it back to me with a disgusted look all over his face. He shivered and stuck his tongue out, then lay down again.

\- Here, I drank, are you happy? I don't want more, leave me alone.

He also murmured something over his breath which resembled "bon sang" but I am not entirely sure. I put down the cup on the small table.

\- Erik I would like if you drank the rest as well soon. Even this is too little but I will be happy if you drink it.

He sighed and did not reply. I did not leave the room, as Erik looked even worse than before. I was now all worried, even more so than I was before. Hunched, sometimes shivering, worn out from sickness and pain he lay on the couch, holding his hand on his stomach, sometimes whimpering.

\- Does it hurt much? – I asked with compassion.

\- My stomach cramps… I have told you… I don't know… what hurts more. My stomach or head…

\- Erik, would you not be more comfortable in a bed? – I offered my bed to him, as he was better the last time as well when he had a cold, as he was able to sleep comfortably.

\- No. – He shook his head. – I would be fine here if you left me finally.

\- I just… Erik, drink some more please.

\- No way.

\- Why?

\- Because I said no!

I picked up the cup and wanted to help him drink, maybe his problem was just he did not want to sit up so I lifted his head and put the cup to his mouth to help him drink, but he spat it back in the cup and fought to free himself.

\- Yuck, God damn it! – He wiped his mouth with disgust by the sleeve of his shirt.

\- Oh Erik, come on… like a toddler, seriously. Only it is a sip of tea, I have to fight you to make you drink.

\- Leave me the Hell alone with this goddamned syrup, I am sick of it!

\- Too sweet…? Is it really your problem…? You could have told me.

\- I hoped you were going to leave me alone with it, forcing down half of it before. Making me drink will only result in me throwing up all over you soon again, I am not sure why you want that to happen so much…

\- I made tea so you drink.

\- It is not tea, it is sugar syrup. Erik makes tea. Not you.

\- You are going to dehydrate and die. – I bit my lip anxiously.

\- You really are worried about this? – He seemed to be a bit less irritated.

\- Mhm…

\- Juti, contrary to what you think, Erik does drink from time to time. It isn't noticeable to you as I only take a spoonful at a time, not to have too much water at once.

\- Really…?

\- Mhm. – He nodded. – You shall do this if you are sick.

\- But why don't you ask me to get water for you if it is the case?

\- Because I am not an infant, I can drink by myself.

\- I only wanted to help.

Erik seemed to be on the edge of his patience as he inhaled loudly, then slammed his fist against the backrest.

\- Do NOT help! Leave me alone. To sleep. I do not want to have anything, I do not need anything, I don't need YOU either here, and I want to rest as I am sick, understand it finally! Shall I write it down for you to be able to read it, hm? Go away and leave me the Hell alone to rest!

\- Okay, I am sorry…

\- Oh stop asking for my forgiveness as well. Do not talk to me for a time, and leave me alone finally!

\- Erik… I am sorry but may I stay with you if I will be silent…?

To be honest I did not feel comfortable walking away from the room. I was terribly afraid of Erik will be even more ill by morning, and with my overworrying, I could not stop the bad feelings to overtake me, yet I knew Erik was not in the mood and physically well enough to notice this. A deep sigh came as a response at first, but after a while he said:

\- All right, but shut up at last. And remove that mask. It only makes you look ridiculous and me to have an even worse mood.

I obeyed and sat down to Erik's chair further in the room. Like this I was still able to keep an eye at Erik, but hopefully was far enough from him not to bother him with resting. That resting though, wasn't as easy for him any more as he would have desired it. The illness which lasted the whole day, and did not get better at all did consume Erik's leftover energies as well. He complained softly that he was unable to sleep now, no matter how he wanted to. He was tired and worn out, yet too sick to sleep.

It was partly my fault, as if I did not wake him up earlier, maybe he would be still sleeping. Mom always sang me to sleep when I was ill in my childhood… Erik is a musician, maybe it will help him if I sang…? I softly started a lullaby, but I realized I started it too deep, and I had to restart it a quint higher, but it was too much for poor Erik.

\- Stop meowing in my ear! I have a bad enough headache without it as well!

\- Sorry, I started deep…

\- Who the Hell asked you to start? I did not, for sure. Why in God's name you keep torturing me? Don't I have enough problems without you as well?

\- I thought you will fall asleep if I sing.

\- If you "sing", then maybe. But this squeaking is only suitable for your damned cat if it is curious of it! And not for Erik!

\- Was it so bad…? – I asked brokenly.

\- Shut up at last! – Erik lost his patience, sitting up wit a bit of visible pain and pointed at the door. – Leave!

\- Okay… - I stood up. – Sorry…

\- Go. – He lay down and turned his back to me again. – I don't want to hear from you any more today! I am going to see you when I want to. Don't dare to come in again unless I call you!

I left the room sadly, completely worried and upset about Erik's condition and my inability to be good to him. Whatever I tried did not work and I only made Erik suffer. I am worthless as he was way better even alone, without me.

I went back to my room and sat on my bed, pulling my knees up and burying my face between them. I tried to chase away my thoughts which were haunting my mind, and lay down, trying to sleep finally. Looking at the clock, it was about half past two. I was unable to sleep. I nodded off only for ten minutes, but woke up with anxiety.

Not findng my place, I got up from the bed and walked out to the drawing room, which was far enough from my and Erik's room so that my noisemaking won't be bothering for Erik. I brought a blanket with me as it was cold, I felt. I wrapped myself up in it, sitting on the couch in the drawing room, trying to calm down.

I must have fallen asleep in the drawing room, as I woke up under the couch, with the blanket away from me. In a bad mood, I got up and wanted to walk back to the Louis- Philippe room, but I felt too tired and my head hurt. I had to blink several times to see clearly, as tears were blurring my vision, even though I wasn't crying. It was so cold… so unbearably cold. With a deep sigh I climbed back up on the couch and bundled myself in the blanket so tightly only my nose and eyes were out of it. I haven't slept much, maybe it is just that…

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 _15_ _th_ _February, '82_

 _After I woke up from a deep and dreamless sleep, thankfully I felt a bit better than I did yesterday. I knew all I needed was resting and replacing lost fluid, but this little silly sure thought I was dying. No matter how I wished to rest, she was always here to nag me about something._

 _Well, Erik is not used to such a thing. I know she meant well in the end, but I am ashamed to admit she was only a nuisance to me yesterday. I know I wasn't too kind to her… maybe I should apologize…?_

 _Why did she feel the need to be next to Erik at all? She said she wanted to help… help Erik…? But why? A stomach problem does not need special treatment. Nature will do its job anyway, no matter what others might do about it, and I wasn't in such a bad condition, only in need of some sleep and the pain to ease. I have survived MUCH worse things, I don't know what the fuss was about. I already was stabbed, shot, beaten, burned, had pneumonia, had many illnesses much worse than this one, and only at my latest illnesses I had a doctor if I wished to be bothered at all. I always cured myself or was miserable enough to get better without any help. I wished to die many times before, and I never succeeded, compared to how easy it was to kill someone else, I could never defeat my own health. I had too strong health and body. I wonder why I always stayed alive…_

 _Maybe to find her?_

 _Why did she fuss about a bit of indigestion? Only the fact she knew I was ill made her that much compassionate and willing to help? I was hardly able to manage to walk back when I found her. I was ill and she did not know about it, because I disguised it well. Maybe if she actually knew I was ill when I tried to save her life as well… would she come to my room to check on me, even if she was feverish herself?_

 _Can it be someone wants to bother…? Can it be Erik is important…, so important for someone that she wants me to be well?_

 _As I am feeling better a bit, maybe I should go and see what she is up to. She is too much silent, it never means anything good. It is half past one already. Isn't she at least hungry if I am not…? She should eat at least, oh do I really have to prepare food for her? Can't she take care of herself?_

 _I could not find her in her room, but I found out why she was so silent: she ended up ruining one of my blueprints successfully about the Palace in Mazanderan by coloring it with watercolors. She messed up the lines and wet the paper at many places. Some of the writing at the bottom of the page was simply painted on with green to represent grass under the blueprint itself, hiding the calculations and instructions I used to work on for long nights back in Persia. Hooray. I only owned that one copy I saved. I don't know why I kept it though. Still, she can't stay on her rear for a day without troublemaking. With a sigh, and softly murmuring "what else can you do to irritate me?" I replaced the sheet on the dresser and wanted to investigate where she was, but I heard a familiar voice behind my back._

\- _Did I do… something wrong?_

 _Her voice sounded so desperate I instantly felt sorry for what I said earlier. I did not directly tell it to her and did not mean to scold her, to be honest, I was just still not in the best mood and shape and I liked to complain and I was grumpy when I was ill._

 _I turned to face her and I was so sorry for the poor thing upon seeing her. She was desperate and seemed so lost, and started crying softly._

\- _Oh no, please… stop this, will you? – I tried my best not to sound impatient, yet her crying triggered another nasty headache in me. Other times, before I've known her I most likely would have left anyone bothering me with unnecessary crying, causing me headache, and maybe I'd have said some cruel sarcastic remark about women and their oversensitivity… but this time was something else. God is maybe measuring how I learned the lesson not to only think of myself. I seem to fail so far. Juti was being worried about me yesterday and I just thought of my sufferings and pain. I lost my patience with her and told her things I should not have… and it caused the poor child to get in this mental state. It was time not to think of only Erik, yet again._

\- _I am sorry… I did not mean to… did not mean… I only wanted to… do a get well gift for you… - She sniffed._

 _Gift…? A get well gift? I have never heard these words in such a combination… why would anyone celebrate an end of an illness with a gift, especially if the person suffering from said illness is Erik… she did it for Erik really…? Maybe she thought it was just a simple drawing she colored…?_

\- _Get well gift? – I asked. – Why…?_

\- _Because I wanted you to feel better…_

\- _But… I do… I… I do really._

\- _And I did something wrong… I ruin everything. – She sat down on her bed, staring at me with such a hopeless expression I felt even worse. Oh why can't I shut my face for once in my life?_

\- _You did not. – I hurried to calm her before. – I just… don't take half of what I say seriously when I am sick… please. I am unbearable when I am ill. It is not you the problem, it is me._

\- _Did I ruin something? – She went on a bit of calmer, but still she was insecure and wished to have a reassurance she was fine._

\- _No. You just improved something to get better. – I put my hand on her back to massage it for her to soothe her mind. – It is much more beautiful, now looking at it. – I stood up again and picked up the colored blueprint, examining it further. To tell the truth, I did not bother before to have a better look at it as I was way too much irritated by the fact it was colored at all, than to look at how it was colored._

 _It was a beautiful job. She had talent with blending colors and shading, very much so, and even though the coloring did not look anything like the palace in Persia, she chose very nice colors to work with. They fit together, making up a nice outcome. Now, thinking about it, I finally realized it wasn't needed and a good thing to cling to old things without using them actually… what a blueprint is usable for in the depth of a drawer?_

\- _Really, is it…? – She asked, seeing that I examined the artwork._

\- _It is. – I nodded. – A new thing can be more beautiful than the old we got used to. You know what I am going to do with it, hm?_

\- _What?_

\- _I frame it for the wall of my room. – I smiled with determination. – It is one of my best creations after all. It should not be kept in a drawer… you are right._

\- _Really? – She smiled widely._

\- _Really._

\- _Erik… was it not a sketch…? Right…?_

\- _No, it is a blueprint. But I repeat you did not do anything wrong. I like it as it is. Thank you. – I sat down again next to her, letting her put her head on my shoulder. I know she lacked physical touch, and I tried to get rid of my fear of making people ill. Maybe she won't catch it. I hope so._

\- _I am just happy you are feeling better. – She admitted softly. – I am sorry for bothering you yesterday, I was just worried and…_

\- _I should be the one apologizing, not you. – I shook my head and tried to look into her eyes to reassure her._

\- _What for? – She asked._

\- _Don't you remember? – I asked with compassion. – For miscalling you last night and talking to you in a manner I am not proud of at all._

\- _I deserved it. – She said softly. – I bothered you._

\- _Oh no. – I closed my eyes and shook my head in shame. – No one deserves to be called those things, especially not you… and… well you did not bother me, I am just not used to someone wanting to help me when I was ill. I don't really know… what to do if they want to help me as they did not. Never. Every time I was sick in front of people and I showed some symptoms they rather drag others away from me and not come to give me a glass of water or help me in any way. I got used to there was only me I could count on in such a situation… they were always afraid I spread some kind of epidemic, and in reality I just had a cold, for example. This is why, Juti, I can't imagine someone would want to help someone like me. And you do. You are one of a kind, I daresay. I have never met anyone else who would have done it for me._

\- _May I admit something to you…? – She asked with a hint of ashamed tone in her voice._

\- _Sure. – I nodded, curiously waiting for her confession._

\- _You have taught me to this._

\- _Me? I taught you to something? – I asked with disbelief. – How so?_

\- _I did not even meet you yet when you taught me this. – She continued. – You know, I am not one of a kind… I am just as shallow as others by nature. – She paused, cracking her fingers nervously. – Before I read your story, and I saw someone who wasn't like anyone else, I was afraid of them as well. There was… for example, an old lady, she was the grandmother of one of my classmates in elementary school. She had some kind of birth defect with her right hand which caused her to miss as I remember back, two of her fingers on one hand and the rest of her fingers were on a strange way as well. And I felt scared and a bit of disgusted when she wanted to pet me._

 _She closed her eyes and I noticed some new teardrops in the corner of her eyes, and she sighed deeply. I did not interrupt her speech, I waited for her to calm down a bit to be able to continue, but I dried her eyes with my handkerchief to show her I wasn't angry and I felt her pain._

\- _See…? – She started talking after a few minutes. – I am cruel as well and I did not wish to be cruel any more… so after I read Phantom of the Opera and I saw someone in need of help, no matter what they looked, or smelled like, I helped them because I always reminded myself it could also be you. And… do you understand what I want to say…?_

\- _I do. – I nodded. – And this proves you are not cruel, this in itself. You learned a lesson from a story and try your best to lead your life in a better way, helping others. And you are certainly not cruel by being afraid of deformities. I was actually surprised you weren't afraid of mine._

\- _I think just because I knew what to expect and that I was so obsessed with your story I kept drawing you endlessly, and searched pictures on the internet of deformities similar to yours. I would often search "man without a nose" or such, to make my drawings more realistic._

\- _Oh. – I smiled. – Oh ho! – Finally, after a day of suffering, I was able to laugh, even though my stomach still hurt a bit, but I did not care. I laughed at her honesty, finally I understood her intentions behind not being afraid of me._

 _She was really a good child. I now understood she wished to become a better person, and I was surprised I actually was able to help someone achieve the goal of becoming a better person… Erik never thought he was able to do so… now it is time to make me a better person as well._

\- _What are you laughing at…? – She smiled. – Am I silly…?_

\- _But of course not. – I hugged he head to my chest. – You, my dear, simply have a heart of gold._

\- _Do you think so? – She looked up at me with such a thankful expression I nearly started crying. Oh no, she should not see me cry… and… I shall finally accept some help from her she was so eager to offer…_

\- _I know so. – I nodded. – But sweetie… would you mind making some tea for me…? I am a bit of thirsty, you see, and… well, I would like to rest some._

\- _But I can't make good tea. – She looked at me with that insecure look in her eyes yet again._

\- _But yes, you can. – I nodded reassuringly. – The sweeter the better. Just like you._

 _She smiled faintly and shrugged, walking to the kitchen to make tea as I requested, finally feeling useful as she truly was._

 _As I cried a bit from happiness over having someone like her by my side, I just had the time to quickly dry my eyes as she stepped in again, clearly wanting to ask something from me which was bothering her._

\- _Erik… was my singing really that bad…? – She called out softly._

\- _Of course, not. – I said. – Please forgive me for that, I have already apologized… I am unbearable if I am ill… I have told you. I had a terrible headache and even the angel's choir would have bothered me last night. I am sorry for this, my love, I truly am. I know how you have a low self confidence and with remarks like these I just push it down even more… I should have paid attention to your feelings… but I swear to God I am going to try to become the better as well… just help me._

\- _I will, totally. – She nodded. – How?_

\- _Just love me. – I repliead. – And I will be the kindest man alive._

 _I really believe so now…_

 _Dear God, Erik is going to act better… He swears that he will try his best to be good… just give him Juti as a guardian angel and he will be gentle, he will be kind, he won't hurt anyone any more and… and he will pray for you as he should._


	34. Credo

**Juti's POV:**

Thankfully I did not catch Erik's illness, which was a miracle, according to him. He still did not want to believe I was completely healthy after petting him so much during his sickness. He seemed to believe it as some of God's work, and thanked him for it while putting his hand on my shoulder. For some reason, he was terribly afraid of the fact he would make me sick. I was sure, at some point in his earlier life there must have been an illness of someone he at least liked for what he blamed himself, which is why he was so much afraid right now. He did not tell me, of course, but I knew Erik enough already to investigate his metacommunication, and see behind his motivations sometimes.

As he started to calm down about me, he let me spend time with him, and help him with things he asked. It was a huge step in our relationship, as he dared to trust me and let me see him much more vulnerable than at a cold, with much less shame than before. I calmed down as well and did not nag him when he did not feel like talking, and this resulted in peacefully and silently sitting together on a couch, while Erik hugged me close to himself, as I lay by his side. Erik, contrary to his skeletal form, which was even skinnier after this illness, was surprisingly cuddly. And he absolutely loved to cuddle. He accepted it as a form of peaceful affection which allowed him to stay relatively passive, while still receiving warmth and softness of a body against his.

The times when we were also talking while cuddling together were the times we got to know each other even more. I talked him about my childhood, as he asked about it, and showed him photos of young me on my phone, which were saved on my Google Drive in offline mode, along with some all time favorite music and movies of mine. Looking at my childhood photos he remarked I looked rather adorable, especially he loved a picture taken of me on my 3rd Christmas of my life, when I was holding a present, looking at the Christmas tree with pure awe all over my face. He smiled involuntarily while looking at it.

Also, it seemed like we watched a movie every time he was ill. The last time we watched Amadeus, and now, to my surprise, he requested something to watch.

\- What was your favorite one in your childhood? – He smiled.

\- You will laugh. – I started thinking, as I realized the answer I was going to give will make him laugh. Looking back at my life, it could not have been a more fitting one. – You know, there is an American animation company in our time, called Walt Disney, which makes animated films of old classic tales like… Pinocchio, Snow White, and… here comes my favorite… guess!

\- I have no idea. – He shrugged, but looked curious.

\- Beauty and the Beast.

After a few moments of silence he really burst out in a laughter, and rather gracelessly fell off of the couch, rolling on the floor with laughter which turned to coughing. I shook my head, smiling and patted his back comfortingly.

\- Best training ever, for your current situation. – He stated, calming down. – No wonder you can cope with me and always cheer for the bad guy.

\- Do you want to watch it, or it would be too painful? – I asked.

\- Hm… why not? – He climbed back on the couch hugging me. – Spending time with you can't be painful.

As we watched my all time favorite Disney movie together, I sometimes caught Erik sinking deep into his thoughts, but kindly stroking my face with his thumb while that. Looking at the couple on the screen, I could not stop grinning and thinking about us. At the scene where Belle was released from the Beast's castle to visit her sick father, Erik, squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes questioningly, like he was thinking "Do you wish to go away…?" I shook my head, and kissed his cheek without saying anything. A relieved sigh left his lips, and he watched the rest of the movie in peace, but the ending again touched his heart. The transformation scene, where the Beast turned back to be handsome, seemingly made him a bit of jealous, as he sighed:

\- Of course if it was only that easy…

\- I think he looked better before. – I admitted. I really felt that way for some reason.

\- You… can't be serious. – He stated cautiously. – Would you not like it more if Erik was handsome?

\- To me, Erik is handsome. – I smiled. – I love him as he is.

The end credits found us in each other's arms, Erik crying silently, being touched of my confession, and we kissed passionately on the lips, not worrying about sickness for the first time in days.

He got all better thankfully in two days, his pain slowly eased and vomiting stopped finally. He was just a bit of pale and he lost weight yet again. It was to be expected of course, but he was already so thin, his wrist was just half the size of mine, literally just bones and skin. I did not remark it, as I knew he had enough problems without it as well, but he was noticeably even much thinner than before. I did not imagine it was possible for him to lose more weight, and I was now a bit worried he will be too weak to walk around. As he always knew what I was thinking, he hurried to calm me he was fine and was even thinner before, after a pneumonia for example. I could not imagine how that was possible though, but seeing Erik was really able to take care of himself and walk finely, I started to calm down.

Erik took up a new habit since he felt better, he apologized in the evenings to be excused earlier, retreating in his room for two hours before I went to bed as well, at first I thought he was still not feeling too well, but thinking about it more, maybe he was up to some surprise for me. He still felt a bit of uncomfortably about "ruining" our first Valentine's Day together, which I, of course, did not mind, but I saw he did. Also, my Birthday was on the way, which clearly was to be celebrated by him, I was afraid, a bit too extravagantly. I just kept smiling at him. He was so romantic if he wanted to be.

Sure there was a surprise, but I did not expect that one.

On the morning of 19th February, Erik came to my room to wake me up instead of waiting for me to do the same to him. It was very early morning to my liking, but he was so gentle I could not be annoyed. He woke me with a kiss on the forehead and caressed my face with his finger with love.

\- Hello Erik. – I smiled at him, waiting for him to say something to explain this morning surprise.

I just realized he was wearing a fine dark gray suit with the "I look like everybody else" mask and his wig he wore for going out. He was perfectly dressed, ready for a walk. His clothes were a bit too loose on him because of his weight loss, but other than that he looked perfect.

\- I bid you a good morning, my darling little girl. – He said warmly. – Erik is sorry to wake you up so early, but we have a business to attend to this day. Please get ready, sweetie, we have to leave soon to arrive in time. I had prepared your dress already, just get dressed and join me in the drawing room.

Climbing out of the bed I was thinking of where we could go. Erik left the room to leave me in peace to put on my clothes, so I could not ask him. Looking at the calendar I found out it was the 19th. It is not my Birthday yet… can it be he mixed up the date? Looking at the dress it was a very nice, yet simple and kind of dark blue colored one, I wasn't sure why did Erik pick that one up from among my much more detailed and much nicer colored dresses, but if he thought it was most suitable for the occasion, I accepted it, and put it on, curiously to wait for the happenings.

When I walked to Erik, he smiled at me and praised my look, he said I was beautiful and simply stunning. I told him he looked very elegant, and he seemed to be surprised about my compliment. He still wasn't used to them.

\- Where are we going? – I asked, realizing that we went by an unknown path to me yet. I did not know this part of Paris yet, even though we weren't too far from the Opera. I could still see it, looking back. Looking at the shops, they were closed. If shops are closed, it means… it is Sunday. If we are going somewhere on Sunday… - To church? – I gasped.

\- Yes. – Erik nodded. – Why? Do you not want it? – He stopped nervously.

\- It is not that I don't want it, but…

Well here came a weak spot, yet again. Erik never wanted to go to church, and suddenly he wished to take me there for an unknown reason, but… well I was deeply ashamed of what was going to come.

\- But? – He examined me anxiously. – Please tell Erik what is wrong…

\- I have never been to church before and do not know the lithurgy. I am afraid I am going to mess up something and make you ashamed of my… incompetence.

\- How come? – Erik's jaw dropped. – Even Erik had been to church… sometimes… and yet he did question God's existence the most of his life. – He wasn't angry or ashamed, only surprised to hear that, so I dared to speak.

\- My parents never took me and I did not feel the need to go as I wasn't raised in religious manner. The only time I visited churches were for the reason of class trips and we examined them just as an architectural work.

\- Can it be you are not even… baptized?

\- No, I am not. – I shook my head.

\- Oh, I see. – He looked around then sighed uncomfortably.

\- I am sorry if I disappoint you. – I said softly.

\- Oh, you never disappoint Erik! – He hurried with the answer. – Look… I tell you as it is: I wished to take you to church today because I wish to find my path back to a normal life. I wished to ask for God's help today, and promise him I was going to lead a normal and clear life.

\- With me? – I asked happily.

\- Yes, today it is… a promise I am going to make… but if you feel uncomfortable about it, I shall visit the church just alone next week.

\- Oh no, Erik, I am completely fine with it! – I exclaimed happily after getting to know the reason behind Erik's behavior. – I will try my best to not to ruin anything.

\- You will not. – Erik said with adoration. – I am going to help… I am telling you what to do… only you will be able to hear me.

\- That is fine. – I smiled. – I feel much calmer then.

\- Thank you so much for… doing this for me. – He looked at me with a thankful expression. – It means a lot to me.

We walked arm in arm towards the Madeleine. Yes, Erik's choice of a church. I had to admit it looked stunning as a building, and I could not wait to ask Erik about some architectural interesting facts maybe, about it. I was though a bit of uncomfortable about the lack of my knowledge. I felt like I was having an important exam in five minutes. I exhaled through my nose a bit, to make myself calmer, but Erik did not say I was doing anything wrong, so I started to get relaxed when entering the church. Erik removed his hat, but softly informed me mine could stay. It was a small dress hat with a veil, so I looked like a Victorian lady in Sunday attire, ready for a Mass, just as in common among ladies around me, nd I blent in just fine, even though I had no idea what I was doing. Erik whispered in my ear to just copy what he is doing, expect for communion.

As we passed the baptismal font, I also dipped my fingers in it, but wasn't sure if I was allowed to or not. No one told I should not have, so I guess I did not do it wrong. Erik nearly knelt down and did the sign of the cross, though I did not copy him as I was too busy to pay attention to this strange bowing and copy it, and had no time to find out my dilemma about how to do the sign of the cross. I knew the beginning was up – down, but I wasn't sure it continued as right to left or left to right, so I rather did not do it reversed. Here came the hard part: I had to find out that as I was a girl, I sat at the other side of the church than Erik, as men and women were separated, but thankfully he stayed close, in the same line as I was and he would send reassuring small gestures from time to time to calm me. Also, he threw his voice in my ear to encourage me I was fine or tell me what to do when he saw I was completely lost- if he noticed me. He seemed to be much lost in his thoughts sometimes, and I was stunned to see he was following the prayers and sang along if needed with a hundred percent accuracy and self confidence. He sure knew exactly what to do. He was rather enthusiast, giving his soul into praying, maybe for once in his life.

The exam was half successful to me. At first, I was copying the nearby people, and more or less successfully I was able to blend in and I even knew how to reply when the Mass started by the "Amen" and "And with your spirit", thankfully I learned these, and these were the very few things I actually knew about Mass. If I had to pay attention to the priest while longer time periods, I tried my best to understand what on Earth was going on but the Mass was in Latin, just as I expected. "When we were going to sing finally, come on?" I thought. I also have to admit I often found the Mass a too long one. I tried to occupy my mind by looking at the artworks around me, and copying what others did. Singing parts, if they came, though weren't as easy as I had imagined. At first I did not know the melodies mostly. I would have laughed if I was allowed to, about the fact that the only Mass form I would be able to sing along completely was Requiem. I knew the lyrics of the parts of the Requiem by heart, and the Dies Irae was ringing in my ear. To make myself look at least somewhat able to pray or sing, I lip- synced the Requiem's text under my breath, so people will see my mouth is at least used. There were parts of a "normal" mass as well, which I knew, for example Gloria, this was the easiest part. Prayers were much or less known by me, yet not in Latin, but in Hungarian, so I prayed very softly, nearly inaudibly in my native.

During the part people needed to express friendly gratitude or what towards nearby people a nice young lady smiled warmly at me and I smiled back. Bowing to each other was a nice feeling, even though we weren't talking. As I noticed, Erik was able to shake hands with someone next to him, though a bit reluctantly. With his disguise, no one suspected him to have an illness or no one was afraid of him, seemingly. I was so proud of him, and I was so happy he was finally starting to feel like a human being, among normal people. "Go Erik." I smiled in his direction, yet he did not notice me.

Communion was another stressful event for me. Erik stated I should stay at my place as I wasn't allowed to receive the Holy Communion, only if I am baptized, which I wasn't. Partly, I did not even want to, but what if everyone else but me goes to receive it in the whole church? Sitting all alone at my place, being the outsider, I did not wish to be. If everyone else goes, I will as well, no matter how I should not… who knows anyway if I was baptized or not? Even Erik can have it. At least I did not skin people alive. If he can get it why can't I? He goes there just to drink wine, my little drunkard, sure. I nervously looked around, and was prepared to join the crowd among the last of people if no people remain seated… but there were some others too who did not move.

I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. Getting scared I looked to the side, where the cute young lady smiled at me again.

\- Are you not receiving Communion, my friend? – She asked softly.

\- No. – I shook my head cautiously. – I am not… not a Catholic.

I wasn't sure if this statement was hazardous to my health, but the lady kept smiling.

\- Oh, I am glad I am not the only one. – She whispered. – I have yet to convert.

\- Convert? – I echoed.

\- Yes. I take up my fiancé's religion, but until that I am not allowed to receive a full blessing.

\- Oh, I am the same way. – I lied quickly, with relief. There were also young children and some other people seated, I wasn't the only one. Shame was no longer burning my face.

As people were coming back at their places, and I noticed Erik in the crowd I waved to him with a smile. He acknowledget, but did not return it, but I heard his voice in my right ear: "Almost over, hold on."

I was happy to hear this. When the priest, after a long time for my liking, finally stated "Ite, missa est" I accidentally replied "Finally" instead of "Deo gratias", and had to quickly correct. Yes, thank God it is finally over, I thought I was about to fall asleep.

As people were leaving the church, I waited for Erik to rejoin me, but he was still not coming. I started to be bored at my place so, to move my body and to look around a bit in the church more freely, I stood up and wandered around, silently, slightly being afraid of getting caught. I finally spotted Erik, he seemed to be still prayins, as he did not move. He was standing in front of a statue and lit a candle. Well, you shall not pray the missing prayers in the last 45 years or so in a single day, I am hungry. I did not dare or want to bother him though. He sure had much things to clear up with God and look into himself to be able to go on and try to be a normal person. I wished to help him, as always, and stood in front of the statue of the Virgin Mary. I chose her because she was the only one I knew, and she was more likely to help girls as I heard.

"Please listen to my prayer, Holy Mother." I started talking softly, looking at her face while putting my hands together for a prayer. As I did not know any lithurgical way to address her, I used my own words, hoping not to be too much disrespectful towards the church. "I know I have not much word here but may I ask something of you? Please help me with my goal to help Erik finding inner peace and love. I love him dearly and he did not have anyone in his life before to love him. He might have committed sins, but he is not a cruel man. Please forgive his sins and tell your son to forgive him as well… if a Mother asks him, he might be more willing to do so. Please. Amen." I wanted to leave but suddenly I turned back, saying "Thank you." As I did not want to be rude, not even thanking her for listening to me.

Erik's CPU seemed to overheat, or Windows on him rebooted too infrequently as he LAGGED. He was still there at his place. I wasn't sure if he knew how much time passed, but maybe he did not. Finally, after an eternity it seemed, he turned back to notice me.

\- Uh… I am sorry. Are you waiting for long, my dear?

\- Long enough. – I shrugged. – But whatever you feel like doing, Erik, it is okay. – I smiled.

\- We may leave now. – He took my hand with love. – Thank you for doing this for me…

\- Whatever makes you happy, dear. And I have to admit I liked the singing. Though most of the people are off key.

\- They are. – Erik agreed, smiling and shaking his head at my statement at the same time. – My little musician, you always pay attention to the music as well.

\- I can't pay attention to anything else, all of it was in Latin.

\- I know. – He patted my shoulder apologizingly.

\- You were the only one in the choir singing properly.

\- Oh, that is, my dear a bit of an exaggeration, but thank you. – He laughed softly.

We were standing on the streets of Paris, after a life changing event and the starting of Erik's spiritual journey to a better life which I was eagerly wanted to help him with. The nice, nearly spring breeze caressed my face as I was walking next to my love, and finally both of us were smiling in peace and happiness.


	35. Joyeux Anniversaire!

We walked together for a long time after church. Erik seemed to be much lost in his thoughts still, but he was smiling constantly, which was a good sign. I was happy about his peaceful and delighted mood, and walking with him was never so peaceful and pleasant before. All of Erik's movements and facial expressions reflected calmness and delight. Maybe is it true he will feel better if he is loved, and will be as gentle as a lamb, as he said? Maybe finally he can see what is it like to love and to be loved? He took my hand while walking, and his gloved skeletal hand was squeezing mine as he would never intended to let me go. In some minutes I felt his hand was shaking, and he had to forcefully concentrate on not to have a shakey hand. He wasn't nervous or distressed: he was excited like a schoolboy on a date. He was silent again, as I think, he wasn't able to say anything all by himself, he just wished to live the moment with me, to look at my face, adoringly, and to put it in his memory.

After a long walk, he smiled at me and opened his mouth just as if he was about to tell me something, but he suddenly closed his mouth, shook his head, and gave out a short nervous laugh.

\- What's wrong dearest? – I asked.

\- N… nothing. – He replied. – Ummm… we… we'd better go home I think. You haven't even eaten… I am sorry…

After we returned home and had lunch finally, in the afternoon he suddenly asked if I had a special request, something I would like to have. He did not directly ask this before, he just guessed what I needed or wanted, and took actions according to that, so I was a bit of surprised. He brought me clothes, shoes, cleansers, food, art supplies, flowers and chocolate just by himself, without me ever needing to ask. To be honest, I thought he brought me things way too often, but he could not be convinced not to do so.

\- Why do you ask? – I smiled.

\- It is your Birthday tomorrow and I would like to know if there is something you wish of me, or you like surprises better. To be honest, I dislike them a lot, so I guess it is better you tell me if you have a wish. Erik does not want to disappoint you.

\- Well, I like surprises, and you can always surprise me in pleasant ways. – I admitted – Yet… about special wishes… I would like to ask something, now you ask.

\- Granted. – He nodded gracefully. – What is it?

\- A haircut. – I said.

\- A what? – He lifted his hand to his ear, just to make sure he wasn't going deaf all suddenly.

\- A haircut. – I repeated, smiling.

\- Your hair… isn't even… well, it is long at your forehead, yes… quite… but…

\- I think it is long. It bothers me. I never let it fall down past my shoulder, but even better if it is just at mid- neck. Remember when you found me?

\- Yes.

\- I had a freshly cut hair before. I like it that way.

\- Are you sure? Women don't wear that short hair here.

\- Neither do they wear a tailcoat if I can remember.

\- You wore a dress to Mass and you seemed not to have a problem with it. – He pointed out.

\- The fact I don't object still does not mean I like it.

\- True. – He sighed. – Well, it is your body and hair, you shall decide… but then do you allow me to cut it for you? – He looked into my eyes with hope.

\- Can you? – I smiled.

\- The haircut you had shall not be a problem. – He chuckled.

\- Sure thing. Cut it if you want to. – I shrugged. – Do you cut your own as well?

\- I have not much left to cut, but yes. – He shook his head a bit of disappointedly, while coming closer to me. He pinched a lock of my hair between his fingers to examine the length, then nodded. He stroke it a few times, than my face also. He playfully pushed his finger against the tip of my nose a few times, smiling.

\- Do you like my nose? – I winked at him.

\- Very much so. And you are the first person who lets Erik do this. Isn't it bad for you?

\- No. – I giggled. – I don't mind it.

\- And if I pinch it? – He chuckled.

\- Pinch my nose? – I laughed.

\- Yes. – He nodded.

\- I'd like it.

\- Really? – He leaned closer naughtily and pinched my nostrils.

\- What does it feel like? – I asked, grinning, my voice being effected by the fact he was holding it.

\- Marvelous. – He laughed. – And your voice…. Oh ho, it is great how it changes. It is much harder for me to do this. I do have to move the muscles in the inside the right way. And it is so easy for you.

\- Do you envy me? – I snorted after he released my nose as I was only able to breathe though my mouth.

\- I have to admit I do. – He nodded. – Erik envies everyone who has a nose of their own. Oh… are you angry I did this…?

\- Do I look like that? – I smiled and hugged his neck.

\- Thank you. – He smiled in relief. – Erik… Erik really can touch you… as he wants and it feels so good… oh dear, I can do anything I want to you…

\- You can, as I am sure you won't hurt me. – I told him seriously.

\- You trust me…? – He was so clueless the poor guy.

\- I do. I trust you. – I nodded.

We walked in my bathroom and Erik picked up a pair of scissors to start to work on my haircut as I requested earlier. He was examining his hand and the scissors for a time, then he looked at me.

\- You are still here. – He stated.

\- Why would I not? – I retorted.

\- I can't… I can't believe you trust me after the things you learned about Erik. – He slowly sat me down on a chair in my bathroom to be able to reach my head. – I am holding a pair of scissors and… you don't run away.

\- No way I would run from you, just please don't cut my ear. – I giggled.

\- Then stop moving your head. – Erik warned me, then he started cutting the first lock of my hair at the back of my neck.

He did not say a word while he was working, maybe he concentrated on not to ruin it, and sometimes he would partly reassuringly partly apologizingly stroke my shoulder. I could feel from his touch that he was begging me to forgive him, for I don't know what, as he never hurt me during the process. He swept fallen hair out of my neck and gestured to the mirror on the wall.

\- We are… done I think, but tell me if you wish me to cut some more.

As I looked into the mirror I smiled as I got my usual hairstyle back. It was just perfect.

\- Thank you, Erik, it is just fine, as I wanted it to be.

\- Oh. I am glad. – He smiled, sweeping my hair from the ground. There was much as my hair started to be very long. I noticed he saved some of it for himself and twisted it between his fingers dreamily. – You don't mind it… do you…? – He stuttered, as he noticed as well I saw it.

\- You may do whatever you want with it. – I assured him.

\- Erik thanks you… for your kindness. It is a gift he will praise forever.

\- My hair? – I asked with a hint of surprise.

\- Yes. – He nodded passionately then he disappeared for some time.

He returned shortly, but only to wish me good night and thank me for the gifts I had given him the whole day. He looked like he still wanted to say something, but in the end, he just caressed my face and turned around to leave.

\- Sleep now, my love… Tomorrow I will see you and make your day a special one.

\- Oh… Erik, before I forget… - I called out suddenly, as he reminded me of my Birthday.

\- Yes, my lady? – He turned around, waiting for my orders like a servant.

\- Erik I wish to ask another thing.

\- Your wish is my command.

\- Please don't bring me half of the flower shop tomorrow.

\- Oh… why do you ask this of me…? Don't you like if Erik brings you flowers…? Women like flowers… do they not?

\- I like if you bring me flowers, but you bring too much.

\- There is no too much flowers for you, I only think what I bring is still too little, but these flower shops, you see, they don't bring ENOUGH simply.

\- Erik, one bouquet is enough as well, if you give it with love. You don't need to shower me with them to show affection.

\- One…? – He scratched his head. – One… well… let it be one then, but tell me which your favorite is then.

\- Easy. Roses.

\- Color?

\- Pink, yellow or red.

\- Notes taken. – He nodded. – Granted.

\- Thank you. – I smiled.

\- No need to thank me. I thank you… and God… I thank God for creating you.

I laughed out softly when he left the room, he was so cute for thanking God for my existence. I would rather say my parents had to do more about my birth, but well, existing in Erik's life can be more than a coincidence, for sure. Erik now seemed to believe that God gave me to him to finally have a companion to love on, and who am I to make fun of other people's belief?

I went to bed with happiness over the past day was so peaceful and pleasant with Erik and hoped the next day was going to be just as awesome.

When I woke up, a totally new pair of shoes were waiting for me at the place of my old ones, which weren't older than a few months. I shook my head, grinning and waved in the air dismissingly. If no flowers, then Erik will find something else out. I liked the shoes a lot, they were beautiful, made of purple velvet, decorated with a lighter lace flower pattern. They were absolutely the type of shoes I pictured for myself. I got dressed and put the new shoes on with delight and hurried outside to see where Erik was and what was he up to.

Arriving to the dining room I had to admit that Erik kept his promise. It was really one bouquet of pink roses on the table. It was the biggest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. I am not sure how much roses it did contain, but it was the size of a mill wheel. He found a way to bring all the pink roses from the shop, seems like. I really laughed out loud, seeing it.

\- Good morning my love. – Erik showed up next to me, smiling. He wore his finest clothes and smelled like a whole bottle of his perfume. He put on the scent I complimented earlier that I liked to sniff on. He paid attention to even that remark of mine. I just laughed harder about the fact that he was so elegant and wanted to show his best looking form to me. – Happy Birthday to the sweetest girl ever! – He laughed out as well, seemingly having fun about my good mood.

\- Thank you dear. – I hugged him and kissed him on both sides which made him so happy he had to dry his eyes of having tears in them. – And thank you so much for the shoes and the flowers… I love them. – I said as I really did.

\- Oh, I am glad you do. – He kissed my forehead. -I am sorry to ask but would you remove your glasses for a bit, love? - Erik added. He sounded excited.

\- Why? If I remove them I can see nothing. – I said.

\- You don't need to see yet. – He said naughtily. – Surprise!

\- Oh… really? Well, I trust you. – I removed my glasses and put them in my pocket, waiting for the next happenings. I should have known that my Birthday surprises weren't just going to end with a bouquet of flowers and new shoes. Erik was seriously trying to make everything perfect and showering me with gifts and affection.

\- Don't be afraid I guide you. – Erik caught my wrist gently, but as I noticed he led me to his room I informed him I needed no help with that. – Are you sure? – He asked a bit worriedly.

\- Erik, I know your house already. I do not need to see to go around. – I jumped off of the steps in his door with routine and walked to the table without any aid. – See?

\- I never thought you could… go around so well without help.

\- I can if I am at a place I know.

He did not reply, just lit a gas light and came close to me. He leaned close to my face and examined me for a few seconds, then embarrassedly cleared his throat and asked me to forgive him.

\- What for? – I asked with surprise.

\- For staring at you. You just… look so… so…

\- Ugly without glasses? – I asked.

\- But of course not! – He gasped. – You are beautiful either way, but your face is so different now. I have seen you like this before, but… I… I just can't get enough of you. – He gently kissed my cheek, then asked me to sit down.

I sat down on the couch, and was waiting curiously for the surprise. Erik placed something on my lap and informed me it was now allowed for me to look what it was. As I put on my glasses, I though, nearly dropped the thing.

It was a beautifully detailed sculpture made of wood, of a dancing couple, dressed in the same clothes as Beauty and the Beast wore in the ballroom scene of the movie, but the heads and body types were entirely different. The couple was Erik and me. The figures were kind of large, I was about the size of a modern Barbie, and Erik was commensurately taller than me. He made them so lifelike, even the slightest of detail was accurate, both on himself and me. I was so happy he did not depict himself in mask, but he bothered to make his face as it was. It must have taken him a lot of pain to look at himself in a mirror and to show what he looked like in an artwork.

\- Thank you Erik… thank you! - Tears of joy were running down my face and I was so touched I could only sniff these words. – Erik… I am so glad you… so your head…!

\- Oh my little darling. – He put his hand on my back and stroke my ear. – I knew Juti did not want to see Erik in a mask. He always wants to make Juti happy. – He patted my back.

\- You do! – I kissed him, and he kissed me as well, and we cried together for a bit.

\- I just wish… Erik could have depicted… a more handsome face for Juti, and transform to a handsome man as the prince.

\- Erik… - I started thinking. – Maybe the prince never changed physically? – I wondered. – What if just Belle was able to see him handsome?

Silence came, but Erik went down to his knees in front of me, and I was surprised and a bit of shocked to notice he kissed my shoes.

\- Erik…

\- Yes? – He looked up with tearful eyes. – Don't… don't you like it my love?

\- I don't see why you would humiliate yourself like this, dear.

\- Oh. No, I am just… it is just… I love your feet. I love them. I love all of you.

After a few minutes Erik tried to overcome his emotional weakness so he cleared his throat and stood up from the floor. He coughed for a few times, then he put his hands on his hips, leaning closer.

\- Well- well! – He shook his head with pretended displeasure. – Poor Erik works for the Mademoiselle for long-long nights in a row, feeling ill and tired for the first two nights, just to finish in time, and half of his work isn't even noticed?

\- Work…? What do you mean? – I asked, not being sure if he was just joking or there was really something I did not notice.

\- Find it out. – He grinned, sitting down at the organ bench, examining me with interest.

I was turning the figurine around and I started to suspect something. Why do they have to stand on such a tall box? Can it be they do something and the mechanism is hidden in the box? Maybe…

\- Is it a music box? – My eyes lit up.

\- What else, for a cute little musician? – He chuckled.

I laughed out with glee and tried to search for the key or button to make it work. It can be just a simple nail as well, kind of hidden. Erik is a master of that. Or did he do the Susan Kay book trick, so I have to clap to make it work? Seemingly there was no key to wound it up, so it wasn't working the usual way. It was something to be expected. I put it on the table and started clapping, but nothing happened. But then how…? He did not say a word, just was smiling at me. I think he would have laughed if he wasn't afraid of hurting my feelings with it.

\- Okay, what does it play? – I looked at him.

\- Find it out. – He chuckled.

\- How? At least give me a hint!

\- Hint? Hmm… just follow your intentions.

Was that a hint? Well, you could be a bit of more obvious. Looking at the figures I could see nothing special, but I loved how Erik's head was detailed, so I petted it without even thinking and kissed his forehead. The next moment the construction started to work and it played "Tale as old as Time" from the movie. I gasped and had a jawdrop both of the fact that Erik memorized the full song by one hearing only as it seemed, yet I was even more surprised the music box seemed to work by a kiss on Erik figure's forehead.

\- E… Erik, you… how did you do this?

\- What? The music? It was simple enough. – He stated.

\- No, I mean that it works by a kiss.

\- It doesn't. – He laughed out. – It was a coincidence but that was cute. While kissing him you accidentally pressed his arm, holding him. Here. – He pointed at a nearly unnoticeably nail on Erik's right arm. – I only told you to follow your intentions as I thought you will pet him. But kissing him was new to me. – He laughed again, then looked at me a bit naughtily. – Yet… you have a real one you can kiss as much as you want to.

I kissed him on the cheek on both sides and hugged him tightly.

I did not dare to think that after all of these I had even more things to expect on my Birthday. I was spoiled enough by my parents in my childhood, and my Mom would still celebrate my Birthdays with so much love that I was still spoiled and I received everything I could want or need, but Erik really wished to show me he did not know impossible when it was about spoiling me. We had my favorite meal for lunch, and I received a cake as well, and just when I thought, after lunch that I had a great Birthday, he asked what I wished to do.

\- It is your day. – He explained. – Erik shall grant every wishes you may have my love.

\- Make me younger. – I chuckled.

\- Younger? – He snorted.

\- Yep, I am so old, I am already 29 years old.

\- With my point of wiew, I would say you are not even thirty yet. – He smiled. – And even thirty is young, oh how painfully young you are, my dear!

\- Oh you calmed me. – I laughed.

\- Do you know you have to be 21 years old to count as a grown up person?

\- Male or female?

\- Both. You are only eight years past adulthood. - He hugged my shoulder. – But anyways: you are eternally young and beautiful to Erik.

\- Even when I will be 80?

\- Yes, though I doubt I will last long enough to see that. – He stated, half jokingly. – Though if you plan to stay with Erik until you turn 80… it is… wait do I understand it right?

\- I just… I just asked.

\- But do you intend to? – He was getting serious.

\- It does not only depend on me. – I replied.

Silence came. I suddenly thought Erik was going to ask something regarding our future, but he stayed silent. He hugged me and kissed my forehead softly, and smiled at me with tearful eyes.

\- Anyway. Please tell me what you wish to do until midnight… eh? – He smiled. – Ask away, it is your day. You can't ask a thing I would not do for you.

To be honest, I had ideas, but they mostly surprised Erik. I did not ask for expensive dinner at a restaurant or a night at the Opera, not even some pricey jewelery I could wear and he "forgot" to buy me. I asked for things like going on a ride on horseback in the open, and asked him to teach me some card tricks he knew. He was surprised I asked "only these" when he was willing to give me whole Paris, but accepted and granted my requests without hesitation. We "borrowed" Cesar for the ride, as he found him the kindest and cleverest among all the horses the Opera had. Erik also showed me how to take care of a horse, as I asked him about it, and he was so delighted to be able to talk about horses to someone. He admitted they were the beings he was the best with always. We both liked them a lot, and I loved to have an opportunity to finally be close to one for longer time. I helped Erik to brush Cesar and it felt so good. He also showed me how to climb on Cesar's back without either falling to his other side or to fall back down. He would talk to me about we were actually lucky to have a saddle, as he often had to ride horses without it, which was way harder.

\- Hungarian is a nation of horse riders! – I spat out proudly.

\- It is, indeed, I know my dear, but please forgive Erik's remark, you are not resembling them at all by this aspect. – He chuckled.

I laughed as well, as I was just merely trying to stay seated on Cesar's back, and keep up the rhythm.

\- We are not going to gallop, understood? – He giggled. – At first you need to learn not to fall.

We laughed a lot and I was able to laugh at myself as I must have looked awful in a saddle. Even the mental image was laughable, but we had fun.

When we arrived back at the Opera after a long night ride, and I felt so tired and a bit of in pain, but suddenly I had a final request. When Erik took Cesar back to the stable and wished to lead me back home, I said:

\- Erik sweetie may I have a final request?

\- Sure, my love. – He nodded. – Especially as you call me so nicely. – He added.

\- There is a thing yet I wish to try out which you never showed me before.

\- Which is?

\- Walking through the mirror. – I stated.

Silence. Erik looked at me with a hint of displeasure.

\- Why?

\- I am just curious. Please. You said I could ask anything. It's my Birthday. – I added, as if he did not know, ad sheepishly smiled at him, winking.

\- Not any more. – He corrected, not being too pleased with my request, and as I noticed, he did not really like if I tried to "blackmail" him with my puppy eyes. He never stated it, but his face gave away he considered it as a kind of women's practique and he wasn't too fond of it. – It is the 21st… already… for five minutes, exactly. – He checked his pocket watch, but for some reason he smiled, seemingly involuntarily as looking at the watch.

\- Oh. And maybe next year? – I smiled hopefully, thinking the smile was a sign of his will to change his mind.

\- Oh come on… - Erik shook his head, half frustratedly, half laughing. – Eh, follow me.

We walked on a path I wasn't familiar on at all. Erik informed me there was no need to be silent there – no one was present in the dressing rooms after one in the dawn. Yes it took us time to get there finally. I have never seen this part of the Opera yet, and it was so mysterious and my heart was pounding in my ear from excitement.

\- Will you sing as well? – I asked hopefully.

\- Ridiculous. – Erik snorted. – You walk through that stupid mirror and we go home. Once. And this is the end of it, my dear.

\- Oh Erik, my angel, pretty please…

\- Oh this comedy is haunting me, and I am not too fond of... – He inhaled sharply through his nose, but after looked at me, examining my face. – Is it really so important to you, hm?

\- Yes. Since I have read the novel I have been dreaming of this scene happening to me.

\- Just to make you happy then. – He nodded with a deep sigh. – I will.

\- Yay, you are such a cavalier, my angel, thank you! - I exclaimed. – And sorry to make you feel…

\- No problem. – He was finally smiling again, maybe because I hugged his arm tighter with happiness.

We stopped in front of a door at the end of a very long passageway, and he bent down to open the lock using his finger. Having long fingers is a useful thing with lockpicking, seemingly. As the door flung open, he gestured to me to go inside.

\- I will be right at my place in a few minutes. Wait until you hear my voice.

I walked into the room and turned on the light to be able to see things better. It was a nice looking room, and I could imagine a singer would be comfortable preparing for her roles and resting a bit here. I found some sheet music on the sheet music stand and I did not hesitate to steal them, as they were a Mozart aria, "Voi che sapete" from Figaro. I sat down on the small sofa, looking around and listening to Erik's arrival. Soon I could hear him.

\- And what do you request of me to sing, eh?

\- Ummm… I believe you would be kind of uncomfortable to sing me the same thing you did to Christine…?

\- You believe it right.

\- Then just sing the Webber musical. – I grinned. – Please.

\- Meh, whatever you want. – He groaned, then started to sing, but he did not sound too much enthusiast about singing for me through the mirror. His voice was kind of monotonous, paying only attention of the notes. Musically correct, for sure, as I think, Erik wasn't even capable of wrong intonation, even if he was drunk, but nothing more. I was receiving a plainly sang "The Mirror" and he stopped before the Phantom duet could have started. Well, I did not really imagine it like this…

\- Would you come through that damned mirror finally so we can go home? – He asked impatiently.

\- Erik, please sing with more passion, I have trouble getting into the role.

\- Eeeh… - He groaned. – All right, any more requests, Maestro? – Calling me Maestro sure was a sarcastic little remark referring to the fact it was still me the pupil and he taught me after all. And here I am, giving him instructions.

\- Not really. Enchant me.

\- Enchant you… riiiight. – He sighed.

\- Erik… pretty please… Just think what you feel and follow your intentions. – I smiled. – Please. I love you.

Silence came for a time. After some minutes, Erik sounded much kinder when he started talking again.

\- I love you too… I… I love you too… love you too… - He echoed, maybe tasting the words, and the sentence just turned to a passionate whisper after some repeatings.

Another few minutes of silence came, then I heard a totally foreign melody, softly hummed by Erik. It had no lyrics, but it was so sweet and full of love I instantly started smiling widely. Erik's voice was softly surrounding me and gave me a sensation of safety, adoration and trust. Finally I knew how to follow it, I had the urge to go after the voice and give my thoughts to the music completely.

As I was walking towards the mirror I was a bit of still unsure for a few seconds that it will really work, I just saw my reflection coming closer and closer to me and just before I could have felt my nose squeezed against the glass, it disappeared, and I found myself in the dark passageway. Looking back, I could see there was suddenly a wall behind me.

\- See? It is not a big deal. – Erik shrugged, as he stepped next to me from the wall.

\- Not a big deal? Erik this was the most fantastic thing I had… let's do it again!

\- Oh, you… you really are one of a kind, are you? – Erik leaned against the wall by his right hand, laughing.

\- Erik… the music was beautiful…

\- Was it? – He turned back with interest.

\- It was. What was that?

\- I just made it up quickly, so I did not have to sing the stupid Phantom musical once more.

\- You composed it for me? – I melted.

\- Kind of. – He nodded, finally smiling again. – Did you really… really like it?

\- I did. Thank you Erik… - I lept into his arms in happiness.

\- Oh… seems like… it worth it in the end… - He murmured in front of himself, holding me in his arms.

\- This was the best Birthday I had in my life. – I stated, half muffled by Erik's coat as I pressed my face against his shoulder, hugging him tightly.

\- You… you somehow always know what to say to make Erik happy and… oh you little dear.

He carried me in his arms for a time, and I was thankful for it actually, being a bit of tired.

\- Juti… - He started talking after some silence.

\- Yes, my Erik sweetie?

\- Did you mean… what you said earlier…? You know about… being able to see Erik handsome.

\- Of course angel. – I replied without hesitation.

\- Can it be…? – He sighed dreamily.

\- I love you. – I closed my eyes, sighing with delight.

\- Can it be you meant when you said you wished to be by my side… forever…?

\- I do. – I nodded.

\- Oh. – I heard he was quite touched by the fact I meaned it.

I was waiting for him to ask something, after I just stated and confessed my feelings, but again, he remained silent. He was carrying me through the cellars and by the time we reached the house by the lake, I was already asleep.

I woke up the next morning in my own bed, and the first thing I saw was the music box on my dresser.


	36. Masquerade

**_Erik's diary_**

 ** _21_** ** _st_** ** _February 1882_**

 _Yesterday, and part of today was the happiest day of my life so far._

 _Juti's Birthday d id go well, just as I planned. It was such a warm feeling for my otherwise cold heart to see her smile and cry of happiness about the gifts she received and the time we spent together. It is much easier to make a woman happy than I have thought before. All I thought was to give them expensive things, and spoil them to no end to bear my presence in return, but it turns out Juti is rather easily impressed, and for some reason, doesn't like to receive too expensive things in a row. What her problem is with them, I am not sure. I can easily afford it… what is wrong with that?_

 _She asked me to sing for her through the mirror. I seriously dislike this game now, being constantly reminded of that shameful episode of my life, when I played with Christine's emotions. Strangely enough, I am now more likely to name my actions as they are: murder, blackmailing, lies… maybe is it a good thing…? So, the point which I want to get to: I was finally singing my own composition for her and… she adored it. Seeing the same passion in her eyes and a wide smile over her face as she was walking to the mirror as in Christine's, I knew I did it right. It finally worth it, as she was so happy… and so I was, because I made her happy._

 _It is official: I am in love. Officially, deeply, truly, more than anything else, I am in love._

 _Seems like God finally had mercy on me, as after I visited the church, I got what I asked for. No wonder. I prayed like a good child, I gave him my soul, or at least what is left of it, I accepted communion after four decades or so, and I prayed with enthusiasm, I meant what I said. I truly did._

 _When I prayed to him, I asked him to give me a sign, for I could see if it worth it to be good – for her. Does she love me that much she can accept such a monster by her side…forever? What is the use to be good for my own salvation, which is most likely down the drain by my earlier life, if she does not wish me as… her husband? And finally I received that sign! She stated she will love me forever and wishes me to be with her forever! Forever!_

 _I know, I know. Our relationship has just started, I am in love, she seems to be in love, and I am happy. So is she. Good. But pink clouds never float around on the skies forever and Erik is not 10 years old any more to seriously believe everything was meant to be the perfect, the best as it is, on this world. Juti does seem to believe so though. Sometimes I am really clueless about how Juti can think with such an optimism._

 _At first, I just thought she simply did not go through the things I had gone through in these past 50 years which I call as my miserable life, so maybe she is just inexperienced, yet I had to realize that she was just as much bullied and tortured as I was, in a way. True, she wasn't tortured or no one wished to end her life, more or less drastically, as they did it to me many times. Yet she knows what I was going through. I noticed her insecurity, many times. She had been treated with disgust and other children were picking on her, for literally nothing. What the snots would have done if it was Erik going to school with them if they were able to do this to a perfectly normal looking girl? Her face is an inspiration for art to me. She is beautiful. I don't know half of the things that happened to her as she does not like to talk about them, understandably. School, and going to school is, partly a painful chapter in her life as I noticed. She does not like to talk much about her life before Secondary School, in which she chose a music themed class as the first priority. Until that her classmates treated her as the outsider for her unusual hobbies and eye disorders. She was beaten, chased, bullied and called names enough to know what it like is to be something else._

 _From the small details she had told me, she had been treated like shit from the age of 6 to 14. 8 years of constant terror at school, no wonder she turned out to be so insecure in her young age. Bulliyings got worse and worse for her throughout the years, she told me they were so insufferable in the end that she went to the bathroom before starting of the lessons before the first lesson every day before her friends arrived to school, just not to meet her abusers alone, and if her friends were missing, she spent all the breaks between classes hiding in the bathroom. I don't know what they exactly did to her, in details, though she mentioned it was both physical and mental abuse, they for sure, repeatedly hid or broke her glasses, and they washed hands when touched her, and one of the worst she mentioned to me was a boy burned her with a cigarette butt on the upper arm out of fun. She never really could protect herself. Due to her eye disorders she was always the weaker, as she was not able to do sports like the others, and when sometimes she finally hit back, she was always the one getting in trouble._

 _At least now I know why she thinks so little of herself. Being told you are nothing through a lifetime, or at least, the bigger part of your childhood, is enough to make you believe you really worth nothing. It was painful to hear how cruel kids can be to others, even though I did not have illusions about what would have happened to me if I was sent to school, as I yearned for in my early childhood. It was new though, that a pretty normal girl like her would be so badly abused._

 _And still, she is mostly optimistic, thinking positively. She doesn't even know how strong she is, mostly. Incredibily strong little fighter she is, dragging not only herself out of depression, which was understandable in her situation, but also, she drags Erik out of apathy and melancholy. When I met her I was unable to smile. I was waiting for death to finally come, abandoning and neglecting myself completely, accepting fate to come my way finally, thinking I have tasted all of the happiness the world can offer with Christine's last kiss. I did not wish her to get close to me at all, emotionally, as she was just a bother back then. Within time, slowly, getting to know her, she was able to make Erik smile, then laugh. Erik never laughed from his true heart without the aid of alcohol for… I think decades. And now I don't need to drink any more to be able to laugh, enjoy myself or get inspiration. It is all thanks to her. She made my life the better, the small angel. Turning me to the better person, and I am sure it is not the end yet._

 _There was a time when Erik could do the same, thinking positively in his youth, more or less, but he already gave up hope people could accept him and he wasn't sure any more it worths and repays to be good- not for myself and not for others. But now, that she stated she wanted me around… that she loved me and was able to see me handsome… It worths at least a try and Erik, maybe once in his life, is going to try hard._

 _Of course, I am not stupid._

 _I tried to take her statements with caution before, as maybe she did not know what she was talking about. Christine has tried her best to accept me, I know. It was a huge effort on her side, she was willing to try to accept my deformity and twisted mind. She succeeded, more or less, for 2 weeks. She did not wish to do it to fool me. I know she intended to accept me. It was just too hard for her, the poor girl, and I don't blame her. With a deformity and temper like mine, I thought there would not be a living woman on Earth to accept me – ever. And she made the biggest sacrifice to kiss me on the forehead after all I had done to her and her lover._

 _But… Juti is with me for 9 months already. Since last May, she had quite a bit of a preview of Erik's temper so far, and yet she does not want to leave me. She accepted and likes my face, which is still unbelievable for me, but she does. One can't pretend to like someone for so long, I am sure._

 _She already earned my trust, and she, for some reason, always trusted me. No matter what I did in the past, and do in the present, she thinks I am a good person. It is laughable. Yet I have to admit, I am trying._

 _I have to admit there were times I did not do something illegal or bad in these past months because I was ashamed of myself in front of Juti, if she gets to know about it, what she will say. I don't know when was the last time, for example, when I tripped some fool with my cane for the fun of it. If people are cruel to Erik, why would he be kind? What is the fun of swallowing the offenses without revans? But if she sees what I am capable of when I want to be mean, she will get disappointed in Erik… and… oh hurting her pure heart is something I can't do. I can't, after all she did to me. It is more than anything I had gotten from anyone before her: endless uconditional trust and love for months. I try to give her the same._

 _Now that I am needed and wanted by her, I am the happiest of men on Earth, and I now know it worths to be good for her. I will be a good man. I promise. And I need to make preparations. Proper ones. In some days, everything has to be ready for the proper time._

 _One thing which is still an obstacle, is the lack of her baptismal. I know she was fine without it for the last 29 years of her life, which is strange to me, but people think other way in modern times, and seemingly God's guidance is starting to be a bit of outdated there…? I am not saying she MUST be christened, I will marry her no matter what if she would say yes to me. It is just a wedding at the Madeleine would mean much to me. I am not sure how we can work it out but I am trying not to force anything she doesn't wish to do on her. I am fine with a civil wedding if she is not comfortable with a church one._

 _But…_

 _How to propose? I have tried. Actually yesterday, and the day before yesterday, when walking home from church, I wished to ask her… to marry me. I always word the proper sentences in my mind but by the time I wish to say them out loud, they sound ridiculous, so I rather shut my face. And proposal, I do believe, needs a ring. The ring I have in my coat pocket still, is not suitable. A gentleman does not propose to two women with the same ring. I also have to admit I am a bit of superstitious about this issue so I think it brings bad luck if I ask her to marry me with a ring I got back from Christine._

 _And I am afraid of rejection, still… Though she just made me braver about the issue, and I most certainly wish to ask the question, and sure I won't propose her the way I did to Christine… oh my stupid mind._

 _At first: we need a ring. And I do know how to get rid of the ring I don't wish to use any more._

 **Juti's POV**

I was so excited about the Masquerade coming. Usually I wasn't one to dance around mindlessly on parties, but dancing with Erik at the Opera's ball was something I could not miss, really. Erik did not seem to be so excited about it, though he informed me we will be present at it if I really wish to. He did not say anything else, only asked for my forgiveness in the morning of the ball and said he had some business to take care of and he was going to return in a few hours.

\- Are you going to get me my costume or what? – I inquired.

\- No. – He shook his head. – Sorry I have no time to run for a costume, be creative and pick something out to wear from the costumes. It is not a big deal.

\- It is easy to say so when you have the Red Death costume. – I shrugged.

\- Which I don't intend to wear. – He corrected as he put his shoes on. – I am not wearing the same costume twice. Just pick something out, no matter what.

\- Okay. I will be working on my appearance until you return.

\- Right. Be a good girl, I shall return as soon as possible. If you are hungry, please help yourself, I am not sure I will have time to prepare something.

As Erik left I started thinking about what to wear. I had no costumes to wear, but I could at least combine some of my clothes to be something. At first I thought to dress up as Mozart, but I had not such a wig, and it would be needed. And anyways, maybe I could go a step forward. Maybe, as Erik did not intend to wear the Red Death costume, could I?

It was stored in Erik's closet and I did not usually look through his stuff, but the costume always tickled my interest, so at least I could check it. Yes it was just in the Leroux book, with a red cape with embroidered "Ne me touches pas! Je suis Le Morte Rouge qui passe!" I always wondered that Erik, who wrote like a doctor, or as if I dipped Wolfy's claws in ink and then released him to run around on a piece of paper, how did he manage to embroider calligraphically beautiful and totally readable letters on something. The initials on our towels and handkerchiefs were beautiful, and so was this text. The costume, of course, just as I expected, fit Erik. It meant it was twice as long but half the width I'd have needed. The only pieces I could have used, as I saw were the hat, even though it did slip in my eyes sometimes, the robe, as it was wide, and maybe the shoes, but I wasn't sure. They were beautiful red shoes with golden shoe buckles, and I really loved how they looked like. I tried them on but I had to realize Erik had at least 5 sizes larger shoes than me, so I kept stepping out of them, no matter how I tried to take care of them not to slip them off. It would not help much if I stuffed them with newspapers, as I'd walk instabilly then and it is not a 100 percent working solution anyway. After some minutes when I got tired of stumbling around the room in Erik's shoes, I started to wonder what on Earth to dress up as… and suddenly the idea hit me.

It took some time to get it done, but at least the clothes needed I did own in my size, and when I dressed in them, I exactly looked like him. I had to "borrow" one of his hats though, as I did not own a fedora like hat (why he did not give me one yet was beyond me), and I still had Erik's one remaining black mask I put on when he was ill. I put it on again, and looked into the mirror. Fantastic. Well, I was, of course, shorter and fatter than him, but we could compensate it by something else. Time to practice!

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 ** _22_** ** _nd_** ** _February, '882_**

 _It was already late in the afternoon when I finally arrived home. I had been walking around, getting office and other work done. Things were starting to get in the desired path, yet I wasn't completely satisfied with the man I usually hired to create fake documents. I, of course did not tell him the real reason behind Juti's lack of documents, as the man would have just laughed in my face, understandably. I only informed him I needed documents for a girl who only knows her name, her heritage and birth date, but nothing else. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but at least he promised I was going to receive the documents in a week. Until that, I cannot really do anything else. Yet I started to look for the other things needed. I am not going to say anything for sure yet, as I am superstitious. If I say or write it down too early, maybe something bad happens…._

 _I went to search for her. It was starting to be late and I guessed we should leave soon if she really wanted to see the Masquerade. I had not much urge to go, but well, let's do it for her… I called out to her a few times, but she seemed to listen to music on her phone yet again, not hearing me. I have warned her many times not to listen to it so loudly as he put it in her ears, as in 20 years she will turn as deaf as Beethoven._

 _Yet suddenly I heard something behind my back. I turned around to see what she was up to, and I noticed her…_

 _She was wearing identical clothes to my usual attire, and yet again, my mask, and one of my hats._

\- _Are you serious? – I asked dryly._

 _She did not reply for a few seconds, but came closer, completely mimicking the way I walked._

\- _Very funny. – I sighed, showing her I was not really impressed by the idea._

 _She copied my gestures, showing around proudly how well she was able to impersonate me. I think now, she was just being silly, but at that moment I took it as mockery._

\- _Juti! – I rose my voice a bit to make her stop, but she just turned around and walked to me, next to the piano, asking:_

\- _Yes? – I wasn't entirely sure by that one word only, but she sounded like my younger self a bit. She then continued: - Now, what do I look like, eh? Am I a good looking fellow, eh? – Yes, she was trying to imitate they way I spoke, the intonation, tried to make her voice deeper, and she leaned closer, letting out an annoying little laugh._

 _I was tired of that silly game and wished to inform her I wasn't going to take her to the ball if she doesn't change into something else, and to start the conversation I wished to remove that stupid mask of her face to be able to see her normally._

 _When I tore it off without a word though, I could not say a thing, as the sight which got in front of my eyes made me crazy with sudden rage and shock. She drew a deformity on her face, completely identical to mine. She darkened the skin around her eyes which made them look like sunken, and made her cheekbones optically more visible by darkening the area under them, and painted her nose black, so it will look non-existent from frontal view due to optical illusion._

 _It was the last drop in that said glass, and I lost my mind completely._

 **Juti's POV**

When he removed the mask suddenly and saw I did even a make up, he suddenly got all furious. He screamed at me in a sudden fit of rage, in a voice I have never heard from him before. I knew already that again, I did mess up, but I literally froze at my place from sudden fright.

\- How dare you?! – He yelled, on a voice I did not recognize as his, distorted from anger. – How the Hell dare you mock me?!

Mock… God he thinks I mocked him...?

\- Erik, I…

\- You, from all the people… YOU mock me like this…?

\- Erik…

\- SHUT UP! – He exploded, and in the next moment I felt his bony hand hit my face by full force.

By the force of the slap and it being so sudden I had no time to get ready for it, I lost my balance and fell, but the piano was too close to me. I fell face forward to the instrument and hit my mouth and nose against the edge of the closed lid and the carved ornate side of the instrument. Erik's hit was a forceful one and this caused me to meet the piano with a bigger force than what a simple fall againt it would cause.

I knelt on the floor next to the instrument, with blood starting to flow from either my mouth or nose or both, I suddenly had to spit, and saw a tooth in my palm, and it was hard to breathe with blood constantly running. I desperately jumped up to make the bleeding stop, and ran to the bathroom to rinse my mouth.


	37. Blood and Tears

**Juti's POV**

I was trying to get the bleeding to stop, so I rinsed my mouth repeatedly at the sink in my bathroom but all I did was just spitting out blood for a time, and after the water started finally turning cleaner by ever little step. Also my nose was bleeding, I could feel it flowing down on my face and could see it in the bathroom mirror, looking up. Soon, all my face from the nose down became bloody, and stains of blood were painting my shirt and sleeves, it was a bit of scary to see, but I felt a strange relief when I saw my my reflection.

Relief and remorse took me over, and a strange kind of apathy.

I ruin everything unintentionally, but I always do. What was I thinking, really? What part of the idea seemed good to me when I started dressing up as Erik? I could have known he will get hurt, now thinking back, it was the only logical reaction to my endless stupidity. To tell the truth, I only meant to show him respect in a way, showing him I paid attention to his moves and voice to the point I was able to copy them, and for a night, when everyone becomes someone else for a bit, on that strange night of fake personalities, I chose the person I loved and admired the most: him. For a night I wanted to be Erik, and have a bit of fun, and with my stupid mind I thought he would laugh at it. Only at the moment of his sudden outrage I realized what I had done yet again. I always ruin everything, no matter how well I mean, and I have a talent of hurting the people being the closest to me, always. Because I am not normal. I am stupid, heartless and totally useless. There is no kindness sufficient enough to make me the better. I am simply too stupid to be loved and no one should bother with me. Ever.

I wish… I wish I had never been born.

I've got what I deserved. As I certainly deserved it. This is why I was relieved- I did not get away with it. I was again an idiot and I deserved it. I'd have deserved even more, but Erik did not give me more. He was too good to hit me again. I did not even want the bleeding to stop anymore, but it did not seem to want to anyways. I was standing by the sink for long minutes, slowly caring about nothing, as the blood flew, in either thicker or thinner streams, but it never stopped, and I started feeling it was meant to be this way. I felt with the blood, all the stupid and evil intents were leaving my body as well.

The organ blasted at full volume. Erik, the poor man, felt the need to calm himself with the aid of music, just as always, if he was extremely angry, upset or hurt. I so wished I could have explained him what was my original intent, but I knew he was too angry to talk, and I did not want to drip my disgusting and hard to clean blood all over his carpet by walking to him like this, and… seriously what is the use of talking anymore?

I would never forgive me in his shoes, and most likely he won't either. And he does not even have to. Not any sin is forgivable, and I have just hurt him in a way which can't be forgiven. I am sure, after he stops playing he kicks me out of the house and he will be absolutely right. I just wait until it happens. I can do nothing else and don't even want to.

At least I can listen to his playing for the last time. I sat down at the edge of the tub, giving up the fight, waiting for my fate to happen, trying to follow the melodies Erik was playing.

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 _For a time I was unable to think logically and I needed to leave the room just after I hit her, as I was afraid I will give another slap to that girl if she opens her mouth one more time. I did not see what happened after I slapped her and she did not talk any more. I did not leave her any chance to address me, and left her there. Thankfully she did not follow me – she already learned it is better not to bother me when I am upset._

 _I could hear she started to run the water, to wash her face after crying. Good joke! She is the one to cry. Oh yes, the ugly old monster hit her, how sad she must be! I wished to drown out any sounds of her existence and calm down with the aid of music._

 _Music was the only thing I could always turn to in order to clean my head and release some unneeded passion. Anger was slowly leaving my mind as I slammed the organ keys, and in a few minutes I was at least able to word some sentences which made sense._

 _I was wondering what to do now._

 _One thing was sure: I wasn't going to take her to the damned Masquerade._

 _What to do? Why did she do it to me? Why? She claimed to love me and now she made fun of Erik, mocked him and betrayed him… and she intended to mock him in front of the whole damned Opera! She wanted to come to the Masquerade dressed as Erik! Impersonating him… giving him away to the crowds! Even the deformity! She would have removed the mask in front of everyone to show what a hideous freak I am._

 _Of course, I did not wish to hurt her more, unless she provokes it out in the future, like she did with this stupid comedy. It is strange how I did not feel any regret for this slap, I was feeling horrible after hitting her with the wine bottle before, but this time I felt the slap was righteous. Not more, but one. She got it. She asked for it._

 _For some minutes, I felt like I did not wish to see her in my house any more, and just collect her with all her belongings and drop her at the Daroga's door until I can figure out how to send her back to the future, where she belongs. The old Persian fool is so fond of this girl, this way he could at least protect her from me without problems. And he might even change his mind about how sweet Juti is if he spends some time with her! Yes, I take her to the Daroga, and figure out how to send her back to her century- this is all I wish to do to her right now._

 _Yet…_

 _No, it was way too drastic of a thought._

 _As I played more and more and calmed, I wondered if separation and to break off all communication with her for one single sin was too much of a punishment. Suddenly, though it never happened to me before while a mental breakdown, and a fit of rage, positive thoughts came to my mind. I had so much pleasant memories with Juti that I could not help but think of them about her. Looking at her face in my memories, I linked it with the pleasant feelings about her, and they overtook me. The memories were constantly flashing in front of me, it did not pain me at all to see her, on the contrary. I caught myself smiling while I started unintentionally playing the 'Ah vous dirai-je Maman" variations by Mozart. She loved them with all her heart. I could see her wide smile, I could feel her kiss against my cheeks or forehead, I could feel her body against mine… and suddenly I felt that whatever she did, however angry I was with her just twenty minutes earlier, I should not kick her out instantly._

 _At least she deserves a chance to be able to explain the scene which she made. I shall decide only after listening to her reasoning._

 _I stopped playing and looked at my pocketwatch. Something unusual hit my ear. The water was still running. It has been already twenty- five minutes she was running the water. The tub fills up in 15 minutes, there is no way she had to run it for so long, even if she, for some reason, decided to take a bath. Why would she do it in such a situation was beyond me. She never bathed right after a fight before…_

 _And then suddenly the realization hit me._

 _She maybe had to wash herself from…_ _ **blood**_ _? I did not check on her after the slap…! I did not investigate if she was injured… I was able to give enormous slaps… she is a helpless girl!_

 _Jumping up from the organ bench I desperately hurried to her room and heard the water still running. It was the sink, now I was able to identify. I nervously knocked on the door._

\- _Juti… Juti… are you all right?_

 _No answer came, which alarmed me a lot, I knocked again._

\- _Juti, please answer… answer me if you are all right…_

 _Still nothing. I did not care about the etiquette any more, as I feared something terrible happened to her in these minutes… thenty- five minutes are so short, yet so long as well, when catastrophes are about to happen…_

 _I pressed the doorknob, not even caring if she is stark- naked, I had to make sure she was all right. She did not lock the door, but if she did, that would have no use at all. I am the lover of trapdoors, opening and closing any door I wish in some seconds… but she was not naked, but certainly not all right._

 _She was sitting at the rim of the tub, pale, her face and shirt covered in blood, trembling._

\- _What in God's name has happened to you? – I spat out in worry, running to her. – Juti, what has happened? – I knelt down to examine her, but other than being pale and having a quite serious nosebleed, I could not see anything. No effect of poison or anything… but then why can't she speak?_

 _Maybe blood loss? Shock? It seemed shock to me, upon further investigation. Her nose was still bleeding, so I had no time to ask more questions, I only picked her up and carried her to the laboratory to be able to operate on her if needed._

 _She allowed me to examine and treat her without a cry or hiss of pain, she was waiting in apathy. As I realized, she was just finely conscious. Her eyes were following my motions, but she did nothing else, other than passively accepting treatment as a ragdoll. Her nose wasn't broken, thankfully, but most of the veins must have gotten damaged as it wasn't only bleeding from one spot. I held her nostrils closed to make the bleeding hopefully stop or at least reduce, and put an ice pack on her neck, to make it even more effective to lower blood pressure and stop the blood flowing, and finally after five more minutes the nosebleed was over. I was extremely relieved- maybe she does not know, but one can bleed out through the nose as well, after a long time. The bigger problem was with her mouth. The skin under her nose, leading to the center of her upper lip was split in half, and was also bleeding. She bit her lower lip as well as it was swollen and had a fresh wound on it. I opened her mouth gently, to see if there was some internal damage, and I saw one tooth was missing. It was her baby tooth once she showed me, as I memorized its place. It was no longer there. Probably it was already a bit loose, and the force of the slap made it fall out. Yet I could not imagine how on Earth I was able to damage her lips so much with one single slap. I did not hit with my fist, I recall it clearly, I slapped her by the left hand and the small stone of my ring had left a mark on her face. I wished to investigate what exactly had happened, so I started talking._

\- _You lost your baby tooth._

 _Silence. She looked at me with so much sadness my heart nearly broke for her. I never felt sorry for someone who had hurt me before during the day. I usually was rather rancoruous, thin-skinned and vengeful, and would most likely noticeably keep myself in a bad mood around someone I wished to give a lesson to, but she seemed to be so hopeless and desperate I simply could not keep being angry or distant towards her any longer, unlike my usual habits. She moved for the first time during the treatment, she lowered her head and turned it slightly away, and whispered:_

\- _And you._

 _It was nearly inaudibly, I could hear it only because of my good hearing._

\- _I would not care about your nose then, if you did lose Erik. – I informed her._

 _She turned back to me with a sudden hint of hope shining in her glance, but it only lasted for a second._

\- _I don't deserve it. – She stated monotonously._

\- _What is that you don't deserve?_

\- _Anything… Erik… Treatment… Life. – She whispered in front of herself between long pauses._

\- _Oh, child, for God's sake… stop. It is painful to hear you say such things. Why would you not deserve life? Even Erik deserves life, I think, as God did not yet take it from him, no matter how he prayed him to take it, many times. And do you know why? Because my time hasn't come yet. God gives life… and… he shall take it… well, sometimes I do take it from others, yes, but let's just not talk about that now._

\- _But I don't deserve you to take care of me. I don't deserve your love. I am worthy of nothing._

\- _Oh, come on…_

\- _I only deserve your hatred and despite._

\- _Juti! – I gasped. – Don't say that…. Please._

\- _Am I not right? – She started crying._

\- _No. – I shook my head. – Juti, just explain why did you dress up as Erik._

\- _And what happens if I do…? Will you believe me…?_

\- _I believe you unless you clearly lie to me._

\- _And… will I lose you… either way? Will you ever forgive… - She looked around helplessly._

\- _Juti, explain it, then I will see._

 _Silence came, she wanted to touch me, but she did not dare to. I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her a bit, which finally gave her enough bravery to admit it:_

\- _I wanted to be you for a night._

\- _But why?_

\- _Because I… wanted to dress up as the person I adore the most._

 _Looking at her, I examined her facial expressions. A liar would not directly look into someone's eyes, or would show any sign of feeling uncomfortable, playing with hands, or biting on lips, but the only emotions I saw on her were sadness and insecurity._

\- _You did it… as a… tribute? – I asked with disbelief._

\- _Yes. – She nodded._

\- _To show respect…?_

\- _Yes… just as your Red Death costume to Poe's work, I wished to express my love…_

\- _I did not create the costume to express my love for Poe' Red Death._

\- _No…?_

\- _No. – I shook my head. – True, I love Poe's work, but it was just a costume which was shocking enough and did not require a mask. I was wearing a mask on weekdays, on any ordinary day, at the Masquerade I wanted to be special, not wearing one when everyone else does._

\- _Well, I… just wanted to be identical to you and show respect that's all._

\- _And why did you paint the deformity under the mask? – I put my hand on my hip. This part of her mini play was the most painful for me._

\- _It was just to look even more like you, as I like your face a lot, but I only wanted to show it to you._

\- _I thought you mocked me and wanted to humiliate me in front of the whole Opera._

\- _I know you thought so… after you got angry… I did not mean to make you angry, but I am stupid and… I can't think in advance. I am just… an idiot who deserves no one to bother with her. I am hopeless._

\- _If I knew it was just… a twisted little nod to my character… I still would not encourage you to wear it around… as you see I am not fond of the idea… but it certainly changes my point of view on the subject._

\- _And now…?_

\- _And now, my dear, I am going to see what I can do to make your mouth heal faster. Maybe I have to use some stitches. It may hurt a bit._

\- _I deserve it._

\- _Oh, stop it already! You don't deserve pain, you don't deserve death, and you don't deserve to be unloved! You have made a mistake, unintentionally. Your surprise backfired. It happens. You made me angry, you received a slap for it, maybe bigger than what you would have deserved, now knowing you did not wish to hurt me, but it already happened. We both hurt each other. Water under the bridge. End of story._

\- _And you forgive…?_

\- _I do, if you forgive me the slap. I should have never hit you._

\- _Of course, I forgive…_

\- _All right. Please don't start on if you deserved it or not, will you? Let's try to forget this little scenario and concentrate on the future._

\- _Together…? – She was trembling with fear and looked at me with growing hope._

\- _Together. – I nodded. – I have told you already you could not make a mistake which will result in me leaving you. I will always love you._

\- _Thank you for still keeping me around… after…_

\- _Juti. Erik had committed much worse things, remember? It is NOT you unworthy of love. You are a good child. You are sweet and affectionate. And loyal. I would not trade you for any treasures of the Shah._

\- _Not even if I cause trouble? – She sniffed._

\- _Do not sniff, it will make your nose bleed again. – I warned. – Don't try to blow your nose for another four hours. And do not put anything in it, not even a handkerchief. Right? And you remember: you are perfectly imperfect. I would not have you any other way._

 _We hugged each other, and holding her in my arms again, I knew I would not be able to miss this feeling for the rest of my life. Having her around and loving on her is the most important thing to me. No matter what she does, I will always love her, and forgive her eventually – forgiving isn't as hard as one would think._


	38. Only One wish to be Granted

Juti's POV

Erik was noticeably much kinder to me after the slap I received from him, and he was seemingly worried about my mental and physical state, very much so. I, to be honest, was a bit of angry about the slap, but I also could understand why I got it. Though, I agreed with Erik: he should not always react with aggression if he is hurt. Though I knew how Erik was, and so I wasn't at all surprised about it happened, and for some reason, I still did not think I wished to leave him now. This was partly my fault, unlike the wine bottle issue which I still considered to be unrighteous, and was way more hurt about that back then.

Maybe I was blinded by love, and the fact I wanted to understand Erik's past and actions, and I maybe always wished to search for excuses not to be angry with him, but I thought Erik was really trying to be better, unlike his actions in Leroux. If everything was true as it was written, which thing Erik did never for a hundred percent comfirm to me if asked, but he once stated "most of what I know from that story is close to reality" and knowing Erik did not really like to admit his sins and faults as they were, I think, it was just as how Leroux wrote it indeed, then Erik really changed a lot in the past months. He was more likely to admit he did something wrong and apologize for it, he really was trying not to lose his patience which was sometimes hard with me I know, and he understood that love wasn't about controlling what others do. If we see this all compared to the slap, I do believe we are on the right path and he developed much mentally. I believed in him, and knew he will be able to turn to a much better person, as he really wanted to, and I was willing to help him with that. To be honest I thought it will be a much harder thing to do, yet maybe we were to share some more hard moments, but I knew if we really wanted, we could fight to reach our goal.

Erik, now to gain my forgiveness completely, was showing, I do believe, honest signs of remorse, and tried to make up for his earlier actions. Erik was strange in this aspect, as he at first just took care of my wound and looked like he was still hurt or a bit of angry at least, and I felt he agreed a bit with me about I deserved the slap, but after some hours passed, especially whenever he looked at my face, he made a guilty face and he had to wipe his eyes from tears. To be honest, I did not comfort him too much about it. It was a good sign he seemed to feel guilt about a wrong action he had done, and I did not wish to make him believe it was okay by comforting him. Erik's main flaw was exactly the worked lack of empathy and thinking he could do anything he wanted to others if his mood or interests were in need of it. I was sure he wasn't completely lacking compassion, it was just hard for him to show it after a life he was going through, and I knew it was crucial to his survival earlier, and I did not have illusions about Erik will turn to a cinnamon roll if I love him for years. I only hoped he will be able to learn the differences between right and wrong and know what not to do, and be a bit less anti social in general, yet I knew he will always be grumpy and will most likely hate most of the people. But at least if he won't murder or beat up anyone who makes him upset or jealous, that would be a great enough achievement.

After some hours passed, Erik now seemed to understand what he did, and asked me to forgive him, many times, on his knees and kissed my hands. That was how it started. Then he tried in every possible ways to get me into a better mood, showing card and more magic tricks to me, reading to me, playing my favorite classical pieces on the piano, and treating me in general like a princess. To tell the truth, I liked it, but I did not want him to think all he had to do after some possible physical or mental abuse was just to be kinder to me, and all is forgotten. I wanted him to see and understand he can't make everything heal just by kind words after the problem already happened. Erik wasn't a stupid person and understood the reason behind my unusual silence.

\- Are you afraid Erik was going to hurt you again? – He walked close to the sofa I was sitting on, hiding his hands behind his back, and he was nervously sweeping the tip of his shoe against the carpet, like a child who was going to be punished by Mother.

\- Not now. – I replied. – Well, Erik, I know… that I hurt you as well and… well I know why you slapped me and I understand and will try my best not to make you so angry, but… but… you know what I want to say?

\- However angry Erik is he shall not hit Juti. You are absolutely right. Erik does not want to hit Juti. He only lost his mind… and… he did not want to hit her.

\- I know Erik, but you shall find a way not to lose your mind so much. You know… you have your common sense, right?

\- Right. – He nodded. – I hope so at least. One can never be sure with Erik.

\- Anyway, this is what makes a person different from an animal, isn't it? Animals often act out of instinct. You can think.

\- True, yet Erik thinks animals are many times better than the species calling themselves as "human beings". Yet I see your point and agree that a gentleman shall never lose his patience against a woman he loves.

\- I would word it rather he shall not lose his patience against anyone.

\- You… ask too much in that aspect. Erik only promises he will never ever again hurt Juti in any possible way, he will make sure he won't raise a finger against you, no matter what shall happen, he shall not hit you, my dear, ever. Do you believe him?

\- I hope you make up to your promises now. – I pointed at him. – You said promises were for fools, did you not?

\- I did say that, though I don't… wholeheartedly agree with this statement any longer. At least not in the meaning of keeping my promises I make to you. To you, I shall keep all the promises I make.

\- Only me?

\- Only you. – He nodded, and his eyes reflected strictness. – Erik is not going to obey anyone else but you. He is similar to a wild horse. He is hard to tame and obeys only the person he trusts.

\- It is good enough. – I nodded, knowing it is more than Erik had ever admitted or considered to at least try. – Then… you don't need to promise it any more today or any day. Just you need to remember and keep it. Deal? – I reached out for a handshake which he accepted.

\- Deal. – He accepted my handshake with a nod.

Good enough start. I hope we will be able to go further, as Erik developed much in these months.

The next day in the morning he asked me to dress for a walk, then gently took my arm when I got done with dressing up, and said we were going to see someone, as he wished to introduce me to him. He calmed me he was a good friend of his for more than 20 years and that I shall not be afraid of him as he is a very kind man and is very good in his occupation. I did not know who it might be, I only knew about the Daroga as Erik's friend, but as Erik was clearly stating he wished to introduce me to him, he must be someon completely new. We had to go by coach for some time, and when we stopped I saw only a house similar to the other ones in Paris, it reminded me of the house at the Rue de Rivoli, but we weren't going to that direction. It wasn't either too far or too near.

We walked some more in the street and when Erik turned to open a door for me I noticed a medium sized board on the wall which said:

Docteur Bonsanté, Alain

As I knew that lawyers were addressed as "maître" in Fench, either in talking or written, and did not have to be confused with doctors, as in Hungary, where both a doctor and lawyer could be called as "Dr.", I already knew we arrived to a medical doctor's office. I did not know why though. As we stepped into the smaller apartment's hall which was the waiting room of a doctor's office, Erik reassuringly nodded at me to just go further inside.

\- Why are we here? – I asked.

\- I wish him to take a look at you. – He said penitently.

\- Why? You are a doctor. You already did.

\- I would feel more comfortable if another doctor says you were all right. – He sighed. – I want to be sure.

\- Just to make sure?

\- Yes, it would make me feel better. Anyway I wanted to introduce you to him already.

The door to the treatment room opened and a man peeked outside to see if someone was there.

\- Good morning, Doctor. – Erik greeted him with a nod.

\- Oh, is that you? – The man asked, seemingly with a hint of annoyance. – Finally you changed your mind and allow me to take a look at you?

\- I am fine. – Erik waved dismissingly in the air.

\- You had lost weight and you don't look that well. – The doctor stated. – I already told you yesterday.

\- And I already answered it is just because I had a case of an indigestion. – Erik snorted with impatience. – Look at her instead, please, she is the girl I was talking to you about yesterday.

Erik and the doctor, of course, were talking in French and it was strange the doctor consequently addressed Erik as "tu", but Erik, even in this short time period yet, kept changing between "tu" and "vous", but it was his habit anyways, he did it to the Daroga as well. Anyone but me as I noticed, he stuck with "tu" with me. It was also strange that Erik had spoken to the doctor about me. What did he say?

\- Good morning, Mademoiselle! – The doctor greeted me with delight, only noticing me at that time as I was standing halfway behind Erik's back. – Doctor Alain Bonsanté, at your service. Come closer please I don't bite. – He smiled.

I smiled and greeted him too, and introduced myself while being led into his office. Erik followed me to give me strength emotionally, as I thought. The doctor was a middle aged man, presumably kind of the same age as Erik was, he was shorter than Erik, but an average male height, a bit of overweight, especially on the stomach, had a darker complexion, black wavy hair, balding at the top of his head, he wore glasses which had fingerprints on them from a lot of adjustments, and his white shirt was badly in need of ironing. He gave the impression of being a nice man who did not think too much about his appearance though. He did not wear a tie which was nearly unimaginable among males of the time period. His gestures were elegant, and it made a funny contrast with his untidy appearance. Another funny thing was his name meant "Good health" in French. Just the perfect name for a doctor, I daresay. Nome nest omen as Latin says. All in all he had a pleasant impression on me, I felt I was safe with him.

\- How are we doing today, Mademoiselle? – He smiled, leaning closer to me, examining me with routine.

\- I am… well, thank you. – I said, after a bit of thinking. – Erik is worried aout this smaller injury. – I pointed at the area under my nose. – This is why he wished you to look at me.

\- And how did you receive that said injury? – He asked with a sudden suspicion, turning to Erik.

\- I fell. – I replied quickly. – I fell against the piano.

\- And how did that happen? – The doctor turned back to me with a sigh. – It is hard to imagine such a scenario.

\- I tripped. – I said.

\- No. – Erik corrected. – I slapped her and she fell. Tell the truth.

I gasped. How come Erik told the truth? I wished to protect him from all of this.

\- I could have sworn. – Bonsanté replied. – Were you strong enough to hit a woman? Aren't you ashamed of yourself, you old drunkard?

\- I wasn't drunk this time, yet I am really ashamed of myself. – He replied softly, his voice breaking from nearly crying.

\- Don't cry. – Bonsanté warned strictly. – It is not you to be pitied here this time. Be a man and face the consequences of your actions.

\- This is why I am here. Tell me please how is she…?

With a sigh, Bonsanté turned back to me and examined the injury. He asked me to open my mouth, and he checked my nose. After some minutes, he kindly informed me we were done, and asked me if I felt good any other way. As I said yes, he turned to Erik and coldly informed him about my howabouts.

\- Her nose is a bit swollen, but not broken. She lost a tooth and her lip has a smaller wound. Did you take care of it?

\- Yes. – He nodded.

\- At least you are a quite good doctor, just a bad person. Calming to know.

\- I know. – He sighed deeply.

I did not object- I understood that Erik took me there exactly for this reason – to receive a lesson by getting humiliated about an act of his by someone else than the Daroga. He did not take the Persian's insults seriously any more, as they were simply too common for him already. He wished someone to inform him about what he did was terribly wrong. After some pause Erik inquired:

\- Did I think right it does not need to be sewn?

\- No. It will heal. To your luck.

\- Will it leave a mark…? – He asked with his voice trembling yet again.

\- Not likely. Maybe some smaller one you only notice when looking closely. – Bonsanté said with routine. – Why? – He changed his tone to an accusing one again. – Will you not like her with a face like that, hm?

\- I will love her no matter what. – Erik replied brokenly.

\- Oh! So that is how you act towards someone you LOVE? What do you do to someone you hate then?

\- I would rather not tell. – Erik replied darkly.

\- I can imagine. – The doctor snorted. – Do not drink yourself under the table again. You had problems with it before, remember? We both know how you can be after a few extra glasses.

\- She does know as well. – Erik informed softly.

\- Oh, so you already introduced yourself?

\- I did. But I swear to God and to all that matters in the eyes of everyone that it was the very last time Erik had done something like this to her. – He repeated his promise in front of the doctor.

\- I would recommend you so, because one more time you bring her to my office like this, or in a worse condition, and I swear I make sure you will get jailed for a few days for hurting a lady. – The doctor barked.

\- I understand and shall deserve it.

\- Good. You seem to grow a brain finally?

\- Trying to. – Erik nodded.

\- Good. Now, go away and do not dare to hit her one more time. And you, Mademoiselle, please don't be afraid and feel free to contact me anytime you need a doctor's services and assistance. In any case.

I thanked him with a smile, said goodbye and walked outside to the waiting room to find Erik sitting on the sofa there. He was looking at his shoes brokenly, with tears forming in his eyes. He buried his forehead in his open right palm, and closed and opened his eyes repeatedly. When he noticed I was there, he silently and rather ceremoniously stood up, took my arm and led me to the street outside. We were slowly and quietly walking on the street, in the light nearly springlike weather of late February. People were walking around us, some alone, some of them were couples or whole families, taking the hand of small children. Erik was watching couples and families with a strange yearning glance for a second, then he always turned his sight away from them, but looking at me finally made him smile.

\- Erik… - I started.

\- Yes? – He was still speaking softly, and looked at me anxiously.

\- Thank you for taking me to a doctor.

\- It is… the least. – He replied. – You know, I only want you to know… if whenever you would feel you did not wish to be with Erik any more… or if you… felt unsafe with him… I wish you to know you are not alone and helpless in Paris. There will always be people to help you. The Daroga is one of them, and whenever you need a doctor but you don't feel comfortable discussing your problem with Erik… he is my doctor for more than 20 years, and is a very good and conscientious doctor. You see Erik is not the type of person who runs to the doctor with every cases of a cold, but if he has some serious illness he cannot cure himself out of, he will see this doctor. He saved him from death and many dangerous illnesses before… so he will cure you as well, no matter what.

\- Oh so you have a doctor as well.

\- Yes.

\- At least I do know now who to alert if you happen to be sick.

\- Oh do not bother with that, please. – He shook his head. – I visit him by myself if I feel the need of it.

\- Erik, may I ask then… something?

\- Yes, Erik shall answer.

\- Why did you not take me to him when you found me in the cellars then?

Silence. Erik shuddered just like a chill ran down his spine suddenly, and remained silent for a good two minutes. Finally he responded though.

\- For more reasons. I did not wish anyone to know about your existence back then as it would have only caused me trouble. Secondly, I thought myself as a good enough doctor to take care of you alone, without the help of anyone else. I have to admit, at first nursing you back to health wasn't at all about you. It was about me. After Christine left, I wanted to die, you know before I died I wished to prove myself I was capable of doing something good, but I did not really care about you. I was experimenting, and emotions weren't taking a role in the play back then. In my youth I have studied human anatomy and curing only for making people suffer and to know how to kill. You were among the very few examples I wished to help.

\- I see. – I nodded. His words hurt me in a way, yet I felt it back then as well that he did not help me out of love, for sure. And at least he was finally honest.

\- If you despise me for this confession you have every right to do so.

\- I don't despise someone finally being honest with me. – I smiled.

\- Oh. Then…?

\- I thank you for telling the truth. And also, I would like to assure you I won't be angry if you tell me the truth. You may tell me anything.

\- So you will be a second conscience to Erik…?

\- If you need one, I am right here.

\- Oh… thank you… it is more than I could ask for. And… that you still are here with me… despite everything… is just a bigger gift, a much bigger one than I do deserve. But I shall show you I am worthy of your love and kindness. – He kissed my hand, gently and looked into my eyes with endless adoration.

\- Erik, dear, speaking of gifts… - I wished to change the subject to a lighter note. – As you don't seem to like surprises, I would like to ask you to tell me what to buy for your Birthday.

\- Buy? Do you happen to own money? – He laughed out, knowing I usually did not have money.

\- I found five francs on the street! – I spat it out proudly. - And I have 4 francs 45 centimes from a shopping you said I could keep the change.

\- Aha! Well, I'd suggest you to spend it on something you want then.

\- But What about your Birthday?

\- Oh we have plenty of time to figure it out yet. – He chuckled.

\- Not really. Your Birthday is in 5 or 6 days from today. Depends when you would like to have it. On 28th or 1st March?

\- And which of those dates are Erik's actual Birthday, my dear, hm?

\- Actually none of them, but…

\- Exactly. As you know, my sweet little girl, our planet goes around the Sun and it circles it in a time period which we call one year. That equals in 365 days and 6 hours in total. Once in every four years, to fix the error with the extra 6 hours, which, in a four years time creates an extra day, we get a twenty- ninth of February, on which day, among others, Erik had the misfortune to come to this world. Which date, because of its rarity, isn't happening this year. You exactly have two years and six days from today to decide about my so called Birthday celebration.

\- Erik you have a Birthday in every year. You age.

\- Sadly. But we are not celebrating a nonexistant day. Blame the Sun or the calendar or whatever you wish to blame for it.

\- Erik, it is a round anniversary, which are to be held.

\- Who said that?

\- Usually people celebrate 5 and 10 year Birthdays even if they don't celebrate in every year. You are turning 50.

\- Thank you for reminding Erik of his age, especially the age compared to yours. This sure adds to the urge of celebration.

\- Oh come on… do you not want to have Birthday finally? I bet no one celebrated it normally for you.

\- And what shall I celebrate on that day, huh? – He snapped, but he did not want to make a scene on the street.

\- The day of your birth, of course. – I stated matter- of factly.

\- Remembering the day I was born is nothing I should think of with happiness, you see. What should I be happy for? Killing my father? Having my mother deliver both a stillborn totally healthy twin and me, the monster? Turning older by another year? Getting a year closer to death…? Oh which would sound nice, actually…

\- What are you saying…? – I gasped. No I wasn't shocked about his usual sarcasm and wish to die, but his sentence about him killing his father was just unbelievable.

\- Erik most likely killed his father. His heart could not bear the sight. – He shrugged. – And mother informed me I had a twin sister. She was very beautiful and very dead. Erik was thought to be dead as well, as he did not cry out. Mother, when she saw Erik's face… had accidentally kicked him off of the bed by the reflex of shock. Hitting the ground made him cry finally, giving a proof of his miserable existence to Mother and the rest of the world. Mother had to arrange two funerals at the day of my birth, and a baptismal. She hoped I was going to follow my dead relatives soon, and did not wish me to leave the world without the first sacrament. Yet she blamed me she could not give this thing to… Suzanne in her life.

\- Oh Erik… I did not know…

\- Now you do. – He nodded slowly.

\- But… sorry for still fussing about it, but… as you linked so many negative feelings and thoughts with your Birthday… would it not be the time finally to link some positive thoughts with it by celebrating it like everyone else? – I offered hesitantly.

\- I did not yet examine the matter from this point of view, for sure. You have a reason to say so, I have to admit. – He scratched his wig behind his ear absently.

\- Besides, you celebrated my Birthday which makes no sense then if we don't celebrate yours.

\- Your Birthday can be and will be celebrated in every year. I was happy I was finally able to celebrate it for someone I love. – He stated. – But… well… you are… you can be right. And as I know you, it would make you feel bad if you could not have a Birthday celebration for Erik. Am I right?

\- Yes you are. – I smiled.

\- Well, then I will have a suggestion. Buy me nothing. I don't wish to receive any material gifts, I have never received them, and I have everything I need. But… Erik asks you to spend a day similar with him as I did with your Birthday. That means you grant Erik's wishes.

\- Oh deal. – I nodded with a grin.

\- You don't have to be afraid. – Erik stated cautiously. – Erik shall not ask anything… indecent. And you can say no anytime…

\- Erik, I am sure you can't ask a thing I could refuse. Unless if it is something illegal.

\- Oh, they aren't. I am not… forcing you to get in trouble.

\- Then I am sure I grant every wishes of yours. – I hugged his upper arm which made him sigh with relief and delight.

We walked home in a noticeably better mood. It was a longer walk, and we could have gotten a carriage to take us home- but it was so great to walk with him in this nice weather, finally both of us getting relaxed. I was excited for his Birthday coming in my mind, and was curious about his requests for that day.


	39. Birthday Wishes

Erik's diary

28th February, 1882

After some reasoning and debating the issue over and over with Juti, I finally agreed to celebrate my Birthday on the 28th, so today. She is right in a way- in order to be able to live my life easier in the future, I have to let go of the past, and my negative feelings about it. The first step will be accepting my own Birthday as a positive thing, and accept others to celebrate it. Maybe, for once in my life, this day won't bring me painful memories. We will try to have my 50th… oh my God, dear God, I am already 50… so my 50th Birthday in peace and harmony. I have every hope to accomplish this goal, and finally, for once in my life, to have a Birthday like everyone else.

Thankfully every plan had worked out just as I imagined, and the day will just go as I expected, hopefully. She will be much surprised, I daresay, about my wishes. I bet she can't stay on her rear though, and worked on something else for me, as I caught her leaving the house as well. It happened sometimes that we arrived home at the same time, only difference was she was heading to the lake from the Rue Scribe side. She was carrying a box, and though I asked her clearly not to buy me anything, she sure did. Oh, this little silly. She simply can't imagine someone does not want to receive a gift. Yet I am sure I will be happy for anything she picked out for me, as I know she chose it with love, and whatever it is, I will prize it. If it is the ugliest possible cravat or shirt I have ever seen in my life, I am still going to wear it with pride. Seeing that box also put a strange, never felt sensation in me. I am… inquisitive. I WANT to know what it is. I had thought of peeking at it… maybe she keeps it under the bed, or in the dresser? Where could she hide it from me? But… she sure does not want me to see it earlier than my Birthday. I started to be just as curious as a naughty six- year old boy. But I don't want to be a bad boy. This time Erik will behave. Now, I guess I only have to wait for a few more hours to find it out. The box wasn't too big. And it is a bit of flat… what is it…? What is it?

I bet she will be surprised I am all done with dressing up for the day by the time she will come to wake me up, I am already awake for two hours! And I have to admit I look somewhat normal today. I did not dare to check my appearance in the mirror, but I daresay I look better than usual. Celebrating is about showing one's pride off, as I learned. Everything needs to be perfect, so if someone has the misfortune to celebrate the day of my birth, I have to look as perfect as I can, to give them, and myself respect. Yes, I have to learn how to respect myself. I don't really do, mostly, though I can be really vain, especially about my music… I am wearing my finest suit I did not yet wear before, actually I just… had it all done by yesterday. I am unusually delighted with how it turned out, the tailor really did a great job with it.It did cost a fortune, for sure, but… this was my Birthday gift for myself. It looks better on me than the ones I already owned, they were a bit too loose right now. Maybe I was going to gain some weight, but honestly, I do not have the urge to look like a rake dressed in a tailcoat if I can chose not to, on this special day. Maybe she will prefer it this way as well. Also, she will most likely like the fact this suit is not black or dark gray as my usual style is. It is white. White with golden buttons and embroidery all over the sleeves and edges. Same with the waistcoat. Yes, white tailcoat, with white waistcoat and pants, I did not ever think I will wear such a pure light colored outfit in my life. It certainly does not match with my soul, but I wish to be as pure white from now on…

When she stepped into my room to wake me up, she got really surprised. I chuckled, seeing she was surprised about she did not have to shake me for long minutes to make me open my eyes. She ran to me happily, praised my elegance and kissed me… oh how great it feels if she kisses me… And she was also so very beautiful… She was dressed much more elegantly as well than usual, she was just as beautiful as at the time we visited the Opera together. I could not help but smile at her, but I bet it looked like a shy teen's mindless grinning. I put my hand on her face. Her skin was so soft and warm and I could not help but give her a most heartfelt kiss on the lips. It is so strange how I am not ashamed to kiss her like that, with these horrid lips of mine… I don't care… as she isn't repulsed by them. Finally… someone wants to kiss me. Before I did not even dare to dream about a kiss on my forehead, and nowadays I am allowed to repeatedly kiss a beautiful girl on the lips without screams and gasps of horror… without shudders of the loved ones…

So, after we kissed, she wished me a Happy Birthday. This was the first time in my life I heard this sentence told directly to me. No one wished me a Happy Birthday yet, and no one knew when it was. Not even Christine, or the Daroga. For 25 years I have known Mohammed- Ismael, and yet he never knew which day I was born on. And I thought no one cared. Juti was the first person in my life to actually ask me about it. "Happy Birthday Erik, I love you." She said. This was, I think, the most beautiful sentence I've ever heard in my life so far. I… I just… could not take so much kindness at once. I started crying yet again, as I always do when someone is too kind to me, and Juti stroke my hair to calm me. Oh how sweet she is…

After I finally calmed down enough, Juti was waiting patiently for my wishes during the day, and announced me she had some surprises still, though I asked her not to make a big deal out of this day.

\- And what those surprises may be? – I asked.

\- Follow me. – She grinned, and led me out to the living room. – Wait here and come to the dining room when I call you. – She said and excitedly ran out of the room.

In a few minutes, she called out to me, so I just followed her and saw what she was up to. She beautifully set the table with my mother's most prized silverware and plates, she used the dinner set she saw me using only on Christmas and her Birthday before. She ironed and put on my most elegant tablecloth and placed the silver candleholder in the middle. I received a full breakfast with toast and eggs, jam, butter and everything, even coffee. Well, she really wants me to gain some weight, it seems… But the surprise did not just end with the festal table setting and breakfast she made. She sat down to the piano by the time I arrived and started playing… one of my earlier sonatas for piano. I did not know how and where she found it and when did she have time to practice, but she played beautifully and with so much emotions… it was technically and emotionally perfect… all perfect! I could hear my own music while eating. It was the first time I heard my music played by someone else, and it was a magical feeling. Finally I felt I did not only write for the drawers and myself… And she was smiling while her delicate little fingers made my music come to life… she liked what we heard… and so did I. The breakfast was also marvelous, I don't know why she stated many times she could not cook. It felt good to have breakfast now, even though I usually did not eat so much in the morning.

As the sonata ended, she stood up and bowed towards me, with a smile, and I could not stop clapping. As she saw my endless applause about her playing, she got so happy she cheerfully jumped and danced around in enjoyment, knowing her playing met my taste.

\- It is the biggest achievement a musician could ever make: receiving plaudits from the composer himself! – She exclaimed.

I praised her endlessly about her skills and talent, and she blushed. Blushing fit her so well… she looked so beautiful. I kissed her nose and stroked her soft hair. I wanted to wash the dishes, as she usually does them, but I wanted to save her from it that day, but she convinced me I was not allowed to do it exactly because it was my Birthday. According to her, the celebrated one should do nothing that day, only enjoying themselves. She really started spoiling me!

\- And now, my sweet Erik, what would you like to do? – She appeared in front of me after she cleaned up.

\- Have you eaten? – I asked.

\- I beg your pardon? – She asked.

\- I asked if you had eaten today. I was the only one having breakfast, you played while that.

\- Oh, I ate before that. – She smiled. – But it is not important.

\- It is. – I stated seriously. – YOU are important. You and your well being. It is a gift for me that you are all right and well – fed.

She laughed out shily, and patted my shoulder.

\- Don't worry, I am fine and am here to stay.

\- You don't know how much it means to me. – I said. – The world.

We looked each other in the eye, smiling, and after I worded my first wish for the day. Or, to be clear, at first I stood up and searched for the sheet music in my drawer for a few minutes, before handing her one of my masterpieces. It was an aria based on Edgar Allan Poe's Annabel Lee. It was seen by no one but me. But this time, I handed her the score and asked:

\- Sing this, please.

She took it with a nod, and opened the manuscript, doing a quick sight- reading for a few minutes.

\- I am not sure I can do a perfect job, but I will do my best. – She stated with caution. – It contains higher notes than I am comfortable with.

\- Time to leave your comfort zone, my dear. – I chuckled. – And don't you remember your G6 already?

\- It was just that one time. – She said. – I am not sure I can do it again.

\- But I am. – I sat at the organ for the accompaniment. – Just try to sing, dear, please. It would mean much to me.

With a nod she started singing.

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

She smiled widely at that part, and that smile, with the sweetness childlikeness of her voice caressed my soul and warmed it just like a ray of sunshine.

\- Go on! – I assured her eagerly.

And her beautiful voice rang in my ears like a prayer:

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea;

But we loved with a love that was more than love--

I and my Annabel Lee;

With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven

Coveted her and me.

As the last line of the second strophe came and the modulation of the music turned to a darker key, revealing what was going to happen, Juti's face suddenly changed, and she stared at the sheet music with disbelief, but she went on singing, following the sheet music faithfully.

And this was the reason, that long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her high-born kinsman came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre,

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angel, not half so happy in heaven,

Went envying her and me...

Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we,

Of many far wiser than we--

And neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee,

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling--my darling--my life and my bride,

In the sepulchre there by the sea,

In her tomb by the sounding sea.

The aria ended and she looked at me with a sad expression.

\- You sang it beautifully. – I jumped up from the organ bench, running to her with excitement, and kissed her forehead. This act finally made her smile.

\- Thank you… it was a bit hard. And sad.

\- I know, Poe's writings are dark, my dear.

\- Yet your music is beautiful. – She hugged my neck. – I am honored I was allowed to sing it.

\- You are absolutely allowed and welcome to sing any of Erik's compositions, my love. – I stated. – All but one.

\- Don Juan Triumphant? – She inquired with a wink.

\- Exactly. It will make you sadder than "Annabel Lee". – I chuckled.

\- I do what you say. You know what is best for me. – She kissed my cheek.

\- Oh, fear not my dear girl. – I hugged her to myself reassuringly. – Erik is here to stay as well, just like you. Nothing bad shall happen to us.

\- Oh thank you sweetie. I calmed down. – She leaned her head against my chest.

The rest of the day had to be spent in the planned schedule.

It was eleven o clock when we walked outside and I waved to a coach to take us to a destination I chose. We needed to hurry, as I had a meeting at noon at the first time that day. It was indeed a quite bad appointment, but the owner had a busy day, I had to make compromises. Juti kept asking where were we going and did not understand why I did not wish to tell her.

\- Surprises are given to you on your Birthday, and not the other way around. – She laughed out after the fifth unanswered question.

\- If things work out as I planned, it will be the most sublime of gifts I have ever received. – I informed her. She did not seem to understand.

When we arrived at the address, she was even more clueless about the happenings than before.

\- Don't ask anything. – I whispered in her ear before stepping out of the coach. M. Durant waited for us in front of the house, and cheerfully and very kindly (too much kindly) led us around. Juti seemed to like the surroundings, I could see she was in love with the interior mostly, she liked large rooms with huge windows and natural light coming inside – just the same things which got me as well when I looked at the house for the first time.

\- Do you like it? – I turned to her after we were finished with looking around.

\- I do. – She answered honestly, but I could see she did not understand why I asked.

\- Good. – I nodded. - We are going to contact you with our final decision, Monsieur. – I turned to Durant and we shook hands. To tell the truth, the old fart asked way too much for the house, but it was the most suitable for my taste, yet I did not want to decide alone.

We watched four different addresses, two flats and two houses. Each of them were at the higher end of price category, but there were features I simply did not wish to lack in an apartment or house any more. I was simply too old and too fastidious by this time to live without proper plumbing and heating. And I was sure Juti would not like to get back to the Middle Ages either. One time travel was enough for her, I bet. Even these ones, if I was about to buy any of them, needed renovations and some modifications to meet my taste, but they were good enough.

When we finished with the last house, it was already half past four, and while we were sitting in the coach which took us back to the Opera, I smiled at her, but said nothing yet- I was waiting for her to ask something. I did not have to be disappointed in her. She was just as inquisitive as always.

\- Erik, what kind of a Birthday celebration is that? I mean… why did you go around with me in whole Paris, looking at houses?

\- Isn't it obvious, dear? – I laughed.

\- You want to move out? – She looked at me with a hint of disappointment.

\- Exactly. – I nodded.

\- But… why? – She asked. – I like it there.

\- You do. You might. – I said, with a bit of annoyance, but I wasn't too much stressed. I knew Juti liked the house by the lake, and she found it mysteriously appealing. I did not take it badly, it was part of her personality. She liked everything that required some fantasy and creativity, and everything which was just a tiny bit of mysterious and magical. – But… you see, Erik has been living there for long years already. Too long years. Buried underground, with no light and in a cold, literally unheatable tomb. Have you felt how cold that house is even with all the fireplaces in use all the time? And… it is just a box. A box under an opera house. I so much HATE it. Wouldn't it be nice to live like anyone else? Not to be afraid and give me a heart attack anytime you leave the house because I am afraid either you will be caught by the shadow, fall into the lake or into the Torture Chamber? Speaking of it, I have absolutely enough of the thought of having a forest in my goddamned home. Or the place I call "home" at least.

I paused, looking at her. She was examining me with growing interest, and maybe I saw it wrong, but hope. I put my hand on her shoulder and looked deeply in her eyes.

\- Do forgive me if I sounded harsh. But you see, I am already 50 years old, and… and tired of living under an Opera House. I don't wish to be a monster and a lunatic hiding underground. I want to be a man. A living man with…

I nearly finished the sentence as "with a living wife", but silenced suddenly, knowing it would be just as a creepy proposal as I told Christine.

\- With? – Juti pushed on.

\- With a normal home. – I finished.

\- Oh. I understand. – She nodded.

\- So which one you would chose? I wish you to decide. Well, you don't have to decide right now, but I'd appreciate if you made up your mind in a short period of time.

\- The first one we watched. That huge house with those columns or whats, you know how to call them.

\- You chose that? – I asked, smiling.

\- I would. It is a bit too far from here though. – She wondered.

\- It is the least important matter in my eyes right now. – I chuckled. – I have seen the Opera many- many times already and I can easily lack the sight.

\- With other words your boots are full of it.

\- Exactly. – I patted her shoulder, still laughing.

\- Then I would say to choose that.

\- You will be astonished as it was my original choice as well. I just did not wish to decide all alone. It is not only for me after all.

\- So you say… - She looked up with a hopeful expression. – I was allowed to go with you?

\- But… but of course! Why could you not? I… I would not even do it any other way.

\- I thought only you wished to leave.

\- Without you? Sweetie, what Erik would do without you?

I hugged her close to myself and it was the first time we did not care about anything and kissed in a coach.

When we arrived back to the Opera, she was already half mad with happiness. She was so happy she could move in that house with me, I nearly cried out being so touched about her endless bliss.

In the house, as it was already kind of late, we had dinner together instead of lunch, but none of us were bothered about the fact. Dinner was nothing fancy, I did not wish to fuss too much about it. And though I did not receive a Birthday cake by my own request, as I mostly dislike sweets, Juti still surprised me with a box of the only type of candy I liked. After dinner, Juti carried a box to me with a wide grin.

\- I still give you something. – She winked naughtily. – Open it.

\- Oh finally I thought you will never show me. – I retorted half jokingly.

As I opened the box, I found a fountain pen with a single letter "E" engraved in it.

\- Actually I wanted a treble clef with the five lines and an E note. – She explained. – But those fools did not want to do it.

I laughed out and kissed her forehead while she continued. – But I made the design. – She handed me a small piece of paper with her handwriting which showed the single measure which contained the E note.

\- I love it anyway. – I admitted. – Thank you my dear.

She hugged me, and I received another kiss, which I prized more than anything, yet I finally collected my strength and bravery. I picked some papers out of my pocket and handed them to her.

\- Umm… what are these? – She asked.

\- Your identity. – I replied simply. – You have a birth certificate, a certificate of finished scholarship in three different schools, one being the Conservatory of Paris, and an identity booklet.

\- You forged me a diploma of music?

\- I did not. A good friend of mine did. Eh, well, you have the knowledge required for it, do you not? You already finished school. It is the truth.

\- You are right… thank you. So now I exist… by your law as well.

\- Yes. – I nodded. – And now… as you have an identity… I… I…

The scene at the jewel shop came to mind. How that fool was clueless about rings! He hadn't seen real golden rings in his life I daresay. In Turkey or Persia they would have beheaded them for trying to sell golden coated rings for the price of pure gold. After two hours, I finally found the ring I currently had in my pocket. Just finally say it Erik, say it!

I swallowed and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and reached into my pocket with trembling hand. I went on my knees in front of her and squeezed her delicate white little hand.

\- Your hand is trembling. – She stated with worry.

\- I… I know. Do… do not… bother Erik, he is trying to… concentrate.

\- Oh, okay I am sorry. – She smiled. – And what are you concentrating on?

\- I… I have tried… to word this… in different ways. All of them sounded ridiculous. And now… now…

Why is it so hard to say a few words to someone? Why can't I think logically? Finally I stood up, realizing it wasn't going to work out the original way.

\- Are you ill? – She asked. – You are rather pale.

\- No. – I shook my head. – Yet I am not… I can't… eh, just… listen!

In my deepest desperation I rushed to the piano. She followed me and stood by the instrument while I took a seat to play. I played the music which came to my mind suddenly, I played from the depths of my heart, and hoped she was going to understand what I was trying to say. Looking at her face, she did. At first she looked surprised, but very much delighted. With a wide smile she listened to my playing, and when I finished and went down on my knees in front of her, slightly already calmed by the music, and was able to show her the jewel box without my hand trembling too much, she screamed out with glee.

I opened the box and showed her the ring, then looking up at her, I chosed the simplest form finally:

\- Will you marry me?

With tears in her eyes, she jumped in my neck, kissing me endlessly, only being able to nod for a few seconds, then she spat out happily:

\- Oh yes, yes, yes!

For a time I don't remember anything…

I think I fainted.


	40. A Nationality and a Name

Juti's POV

As Erik lost his consciousness after I said yes to him, I knelt down and gently slapped him a few times to revive him. Poor guy, he did not expect me to agree, I think. He was always rejected, and seeing his luck with women, I think, he was terribly afraid of rejection this time, and now he got relieved about my positive answer, his heart could not take the extreme level of excitement he was going through and his brain did an emergency shutdown. He lay there, accidentally releasing the jewel box he was holding, which fell on the ground. The knocking sound and me gently slapping him did wake him up and he wanted to sit up in embarrassment, but the too sudden movement made his head spin and he fainted again. This time I leaned down to give a kiss on his forehead to make him feel better.

He slowly opened his yellowish eyes, and looked at me in awe and adoration. I have already found out as I got to know him that his eye color slightly changed according to his current mood. If he was upset, his eyes were glowing with a fiery red shade, making them have an orange- is coloration, his normal eye color was somewhat yellow- ish, like lemon, and when he was relaxed they lit up with a brownish golden tone. Envy or sarcasm shaded them to a hint of green, and if he was touched or loving his pupils dilated to twice the size. Now he was blinking at me a bit of sleepily, but with much love and thankfulness.

\- Hello there, Erik, dear. Are you feeling better? – I inquired smiling.

\- Better…?... Erik… Erik had never ever… felt so well… in his life.

His skeletal fingers squeezed my wrist longingly, and he hugged my shoulder for support to sit up. He smiled at me with delight, but with a slight doubt in his ability to hear.

\- I am sorry… but did you perhaps say… yes? – He inquired softly.

\- Yes, I said totally yes. – I nodded vehemently.

\- Oh… I am the happiest of men… - He hugged me close to himself, and passionately whispered in my ear: - Szeretlek.

\- Én is szeretlek. – I smiled at him with love, then we kissed.

We were in each other's arms for a few minutes, caring about nothing, kissing with love and passion. He was stroking my hair and I rubbed his back and shoulders, then his side.

\- Juti… szeretlek. – He repeated, just as if he was trying to convince me of his purest intentions and the reality of his love. He maybe thought he did not say it enough to me, and to tell the truth I would not have minded if Erik worded his feelings more often, indeed.

\- Én is szeretlek. – I reassured him. – Nagyon.

\- I am only going to repeat this… if you allow me. – He said, with a bit of caution, but he smiled at me warmly.

\- You can tell me this anytime. – I winked. – I will love it.

He picked up the jewel box from the ground and picked the ring out of it, holding it between his fingers.

\- As you said yes… do you allow Erik to pull this on your finger? – He asked hopefully.

I reached my hand out for him and he knelt in front of my feet, and gently took my hand. Firstly he gave soft pecks on my fingers, each of them, then looked up at me in adoration while pulling the ring on my ring finger.

\- With this ring I ask you to become my wife and stay by my side until death shall part. – He said seriously, then stood up to hold me by the shoulders. – And I promise you I will be the most devoted, loving and loyal husband you could ever ask for.

\- I will stay with you no matter what. – I nodded.

\- Then we are going to get married… - He smiled. – As soon as possible. And move to that house together. We will start a new life and I will give you everything you could ever want or need. Juti, for this, to thank you for it, I will kiss the ground you walk on.

\- I did not think you would propose. – I admitted.

\- Why? – He looked at me with surprise. – Did you not think I loved you?

\- I know you love me but I did not think you want to get married.

\- I did not know what I felt for a time. – He explained. – But now I am sure that it is love I feel. Love for you, which can't be changed by anything.

\- I love you too Erik, I love you so much. I am honored to be the woman you want to marry… I can't believe… - I stuttered as I looked at the gold ring on my finger. – Erik, am I good enough for you…? Really you want me…?

\- You are too good for me. – He said seriously. – Not good just enough. Much better than I am… you are an angel with a pure heart and you are the woman I want… you are so good to me… and I still can't believe you said yes to me…

For some moments we were looking into each other's eyes deeply. We both were surprised about the other wanted us around for a lifetime. Erik, finally, as at any other time when he was touched or a bit of confused about the affection he received, ended up turning to be a bit nervous, and let out a small laugh to hide it. His hands were trembling a bit, but not too much. He snapped his fingers in a sudden idea and he cried out in a sudden mood swing making him cheerful. I think he realized the meaning behind the situation only now.

\- But it means we have to celebrate my love! – He stated. – And I know how!

Excitedly he jumped towards the kitchen door and turned back to me from the door frame.

\- I ask for your patience, my love, I will be right back.

He left me there for some seconds, and I heard he excitedly ran down to the food cellar. Contrary to his usual silent walking I now could hear his footsteps against the stone steps of the cellar and the door creaking open. After a short time, he returned with a tray, balancing a bottle of wine and two glasses.

I usually do not drink alcohol and Erik knew it already, not really serving me wine after meals, tough he would enjoy a glass of wine after dinners. Now though, I did not mind it and did not protest: we really had to celebrate our relationship turning to the more serious. I looked at the ring with a wide smile and stepped closer to Erik. I did not want to hurt or offend Erik about I did not usually drink, and I did not even remark that Erik poured me a whole glassful of wine. He was very proud of his wine collection and sure he picked something extraordinary for us. I did not have to disappoint, as Erik turned to me with excitement and announced proudly:

\- You have to taste this. This is my most prized possession. I know you don't really like wine, but this, my dear, is better than what you ever had. This is, my love, a sweet Tokaji from 1820, as I heard it was a great year. Not as sweet as you are, of course. This is the oldest and most prized wine of my collection.

\- Oh it is an honor, my dear. It must be delicious. Did you taste it already?

\- Oh no, never. – He shook his head. – I kept it reserved for very special occasions. – He smiled at me cheerfully and winked. – We could not have found a better occasion, do you agree?

\- Of course. – I picked up one of the glasses and curiously sniffed at the contents. I wished to feel what did a wine even older than Erik did smell and taste like.

Erik laughed out, picking up his glass as well, and he also sniffed it, just imitating me.

\- You act like an experienced wine expert my dear little girl.

\- Hungarians are best with horses, wine and music! – I spat out proudly. – Yet I know not much of horses, and even less about wine, so… maybe Erik is more Hungarian than I am? – I laughed out.

\- I am not sure what makes someone a true Hungarian…, but if it means I can get closer to you…, then I am… I am… proud to be a Hungarian. – Erik stated, exceptionally on my native.

\- Well the fact you speak Hungarian so well is most certainly a big achievement and making you even more Hungarian. – I smiled and stepped closer to him.

\- If it is so, I lift my glass for my… nationality. – He nodded proudly, lifting his glass for toast. – To Erik's Hungarian nationality! And to your health!

\- To your health also, my Hungarian fiancé. – I clinked my glass against his with a smile. – Happy Birthday. – I added.

\- Oh ho. – He slapped his forehead and giggled. – I already forgot it was my Birthday after all. Even better occasion to finally have a nationality.

\- Why do you say you have no nationality? You… were French… no?

He did not reply right away, as he was now occupied by having a few sips of his drink, then delightedly nodded and snapped his fingers. Seemed like the wine met his taste. I got curious of the taste, so I took a sip as well, and I had to admit it was really delicious compared to the wines I already had before. I could not find a match in Erik's collection either, at least not the ones I had tasted before.

\- Technically I was born in France. – Erik started his reply, now getting back to French. – Oh I am glad you like the wine, you seem to enjoy it, so… technically I am French, but I tend to say I have no nationality because no one wants me to be a fellow countryman. I wasn't accepted by the French, Italians, Germans, Chinese, Turks, Persians, and no one, literally, from any country I have visited or lived in. So I just stay as an outsider. But now as you accept me as a Hungarian, I am more than happy to be one, if it does not bother you.

\- But of course it doesn't. – I giggled. – I am honored.

\- The honor is mine. – Erik switched to Hungarian again, while drinking the remains of his wine.

\- You can speak while drinking? – I gasped.

\- Ventriloquism. – He replied, staying with my native.

\- How come you are not choking on it?

\- Practice.

\- And how do you know my native? I have asked you when we met but you did not answer.

\- Oh. Simply: I learned it while travelling. I travelled through your country many times, staying there for weeks and months at a time, and I was always good with languages. Hungarian is a hard enough language and Erik always loved challenges. Though, I have to admit I needed to refresh my knowledge in grammar structures after we met, and I am still in need of much practice. I haven't used that language in a while and forgotten many things. You did me some good even at those dark days of my life, I had to learn and practice something to occupy my mind.

\- So I occupied you from self loathing? – I cheered.

\- Self loathing and love sickness, yes. – He nodded. – I practiced and revisioned my Hungarian language skills, while trying not to give up. Your presence, my dear, gave me the will to go on and live after I came home from the Daroga and I found you. I did not think back then, but I received so much support from you, even in your illness.

\- Erik, it means you were ill as well? – I asked. – You returned home from the Daroga and the book said you were quite weak then as well.

\- I was. – He shrugged. – I had to cure myself along with you. We needed to stay alive for each other. I was feverish too when I gave you medicin, we lived on the same treatment. I started eating again to be able to lift you more easily as my strength started to leave me.

\- Oh dear, if I knew… you had enough trouble walking on your own… and you had to carry me…

\- Juti, I don't mind it. I needed it to get better. Without you I'd have slowly died of most likely dehydration and possibly a heart failure. I wished to die. Christine left me two weeks earlier, and I made preparations to die and visited the Persian with the honest belief I wasn't going to survive more than maybe two more weeks, or such. You saved Erik's life. At first I only wanted to get well enough to figure out how to send you back to where you belong. But I do not want it any more.

\- Two weeks? I never thought it was so close.

\- You were locked in the cellar for a whole week. That makes it three, by the time I actually wanted to bother with you. Until that I just decided I will copy the music you wrote. But wanted to go on for some reason. It took another four days until you regained your common sense and you were ill for another two weeks and a half. So by the time we started communicating it was already more than six weeks from Christine's leaving. Time heals wounds as they say, but I think, it was mainly you who healed mines. And I had no time to dwell on the past as you kept me occupied. But let's not talk about the sad pas my love. Today marks a special happy event.

He came closer and kissed my forehead with much love and looked into my eyes adoringly.

\- On a lighter note, sweetie, would you mind doing Erik a favor?

\- What sort of a favor? – I inquired happily.

\- At first, Erik has a conversational dictionary of Hungarian, and he would appreciate if you looked at it, if it contains some phrases I should no longer use or if it has some mistranslations, maybe.

\- But of course!

\- After I make sure it is all right, I am going to use Hungarian as a primary language.

\- We are going to speak my native?

\- Yes, it is even better because Parisians won't understand us. – He chuckled.

\- How true! It is our secret language. – I laughed out.

Erik showed me a book which was a German- Hungarian conversational dictionary. It contained full sentences of each scenario, which you only had to learn and you were able to talk in Hungarian with a perfect Grammar structure. I did not know the German, so I only paid attention the Hungarian sentences, but they seemed all right to me. I did not meet such a sentence as in Monthy Python "My hoovercraft is full of eels" for example. As I expected, as the book was quite old, I met sentences which were a bit of outdated to my modern taste, but I did not tell Erik to stop using them, as we were in the XIXth century after all, where these sentences were perfectly all right, and he sounded more of a gentleman if he used "would you have the kindness to come here for a moment, please" than "come here now". If he talks to me a lot, he will most likely learn how to say things more easily as well. It is great enough for a starter. I told him it was all right to use that book for revision and practice, so he calmed.

As I finished with checking his book he turned to me and said:

\- And now, teach me about our history. I sadly know very little of it, but I tell you what I remember.

He briefly sketched up the Hungarian history from the Conquest to the Habsburg Monarchy, using only sketch points and dates he remembered. I had to realize he was perfect of history to the point of the revolution in 1848. He wasn't sure what exactly happened then, but until that he was very much aware of Hungarian history. He was able to name most of our kings, he knew our national holiday was 20th August (it was Christine's Birthday…) and he proudly stated he visited Dracula's castle when he was travelling through my country.

\- And you say you know nothing. – I shook my head. – You are perfectly informed and educated, honey.

\- I honestly wasn't sure I know everything right. – He admitted. – Not sure knowledge is not knowledge in my eyes, I want to be 100 percent sure of everything I know.

\- And where were you on 15th March 1848? – I inquired, laughing. – You were… 16..? Wow.

\- Yes, 16. – He nodded. – And I was in Russia already.

\- Oh, why did you not go to Budapest, come on?

\- Next time you are planning a revolution, invite Erik a few months early so he can take part. – He chuckled. - And now, let us search for a name.

\- For me?

\- No, for Erik. As I know, you also write Erik with a "k", right?

\- Yes.

\- Even better. More fitting to me. In French I'd have needed to write it with a "c", but I never wanted to do so. So, I wish a Hungarian surname for myself, and… well if you marry me and wish to wear my name, for yourself too, yes... Help, please.

\- You will have to turn around the order of your names then, as your given name gets behind your surname, just as with mine.

\- I don't mind. It is all the same to me how I wear it.

\- Do you want a very common name or some more extraordinary?

\- Well, not a name that too many people would wear other than me, but I don't want to be the only one having that name either.

\- Well, I think, with your unique given name, as Erik is not too commonly given, I'd suggest something a bit more unique. Do you wish to include Amadé in your name as well?

\- I think… if it is possible…

\- It is.

\- It would bring me luck. So… any suggestions? I have literally no knowledge of Hungarian names. But I most certainly won't want to use Alexandre Dechausse in my marriage certificate. It was… never my name, and I used it at the time when those things happened with the chandelier… and this name would always remind me of them. I want a new start, a new nationality, a new name. By your side.

\- Well, I think you could have some noble family's name.

\- No. – He shook his head. – I am no Viscount or Count, or anything. I am Erik. Simply. I am a contractor's son.

\- All right… wait for a bit. It has to sound good with your given names… I write a list. You can chose from there.

\- Good idea. – He nodded.

I thought for a time and took a paper and a pencil. The name did not have to be either too long or too short, and certainly not a noble name. After half an hour my list contained:

Aigner, Altmajer, Beniczki (y), Bernáth, Csabetszky, Csényi, Décsei (y), Deissler, Domanek, Faludy, Fodor, Földessi (y), Gutmann, Gyarmathy, Hangay, Hegedűs, Illéssy, Kalmár, Kökényessy, Lukács, Mándoki, Nagylaki, Náday, Péterffi (y), Podmaniczki (y), Rimóczi (y), Siklóssy, Simon, Tarnóczi (y), Teleki, Tomanek, Vértessy, Ziegler

I know many of the names were German sounding, but they were legitimate Hungarian surnames of the time period, and they were either not too common or not too rare either, and these were sounding well with Erik Amadé. He read the list a few times, tasting the sound of the names, some of them he repeated more often, but Gutmann was among the first ones he dismissed with an irritated little snort. Hegedűs, which literally meant "violinist" made him laugh, but he dismissed it too. Also he seemed to dislike the names being too long and which contained "cz" or "th". "Deissler" was chosen by me only by the fact it was similar to "Destler" which was a name I associated with Erik too much. I wasn't sure if I mentioned him his name was Erik Destler in that movie and in many fanfics or memes in the phandom, but he did not want the name nonetheless.

He picked Aigner, Csényi, Décsey, Mándoki and Náday in the end as possible names. As he wanted some clearly Hungarian letters and pronunciation being present in his new name, making it sounding even more authentical, he finally ended up with Csényi, he said he liked it the most. I laughed, as it was very similar to how you pronounce the name of Lon Chaney, who portrayed Erik for the first time on film. I did not tell him though, as I did not want him to drop it because of this fact.

Csényi Erik Amadé.

A very nice name indeed. And I am so proud Erik wants to be Hungarian.

After some time I realized why Erik did not use my native too much when talking to me. Before I only guessed he was talking to me in French because he wished me to improve my language skills in the language I had forgotten a lot of, and maybe it was among the reasons as well, but the truth was he simply wasn't that much perfect in Hungarian any more, and he did not want me to find it out before. Even though he understood it quite well, speaking was a bit of hard for him. Sometimes words did not come to his mind right away, causing uncomfortable pauses between two words, and he had a noticeable accent if you listened him talking for a long time. To my surprise, it wasn't a French accent, it was rather German as I could identify. He paid too much attention to pronounce the letters at the end of the words, unlike in French, and he said a much more pronounced "r" sound. Also, sometimes he would use wrong conjugation, or made up totally new, but unexisting words. All in all he was great in such a hard language, but it was easily noticeable it wasn't his first and not even his second language. I loved it though. This fact reminded me that Erik wasn't perfect. He was just a human being with flaws, and Hungarian language clearly wasn't his forte at that moment. He was the same way as I was with French some months earlier. And I was sure he will be soon perfect in Hungarian, just as I got much better in French.

This was indeed a new start for us.

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 ** _3_** ** _rd_** ** _March, 1882_**

 _I am so happy I can't even word it._

 _Finally I have a fiancée, and I am allowed to adore her without an end. She is proudly wearing my ring, and I catch her looking at it with so much love in her eyes I would have the urge to cry with happiness. Finally I am wanted and needed by someone. Finally someone wants me to have the same nationality as them. I was wandering through half of the world but I never could say I had a home._

 _Not until my 50_ _th_ _Birthday._

 _And then… she only started it as a joke, but I realized: why not? Why not? I had no name and no nationality. Why can't I put on a nationality I wanted? A new name I could finally use as my own? I used to be "boy" in my childhood, and many more names I would rather not write down. The kindest name Mother ever called me by was "Owl spawn" because my eyes were glowing in the dark, I did not like to sleep at night, and I had a good hearing. This was the most fitting name I ever had before I received "Erik" when I was 12. I clinged to this name in my whole life after that as it was the first human name I was called by. I wish to keep it legally in my marriage as well._

 _Csényi Erik Amadé._

 _I cannot wait to receive the documents which will contain this name and Törcsvár as a place of Birth. Yes, it is indeed a joke reference to Dracula, with the Castle of Bran located in Törcsvár. It is a small Hungarian village, and I was born in a village anyway. Only a few more days and I will be able to hold these documents in my hands, and finally buy that house._

 _Until that I go on with life with my dearest little girl and praise each and every seconds I can spend with her… and from now on I am going to write my journal in Hungarian._


	41. A Home with Ordinary Doors and Windows

Juti's POV

Erik received the documents of his new identity three weeks after he claimed himself as Hungarian. After that day we were only communicating on my native, which was way easier for me than French, but surely way harder for poor Erik, but he was so cute, trying to please me with it. He got more excited day by day, waiting for the documents to finally arrive. These three weeks were nothing special. Our life was going on just as it was before, but both of us were waiting for something good to happen deep down in our hearts.

On the day when he walked home with his new papers, he shoved them under my nose with a big grin. I took the documents from him to learn how to address my husband to be from now on, and reading the paper I burst out in a laughter.

Name: Csényi

First name(s): Erik Amadé

Place of Birth: Törcsvár, Hungary

Date of Birth: 29 February 1832

Mother's Name: Erzsébet Báthory

I laughed and gasped at the same time at that then whimpering from laughter I said:

\- Erik, NO! Why this name?

\- I literally had no other idea of a Hungarian female name to use as my Mother's name. And anyway, it is not THAT Erzsébet Báthory, she is dead for centuries. But you know me, I like jokes.

\- Deadly jokes. – I nodded. – Calling the lake "The Lake Averne" and claiming your mommy is a woman who liked to bathe in the blood of virgin girls.

\- After a life like mine one sure gets closer to dark humor. Please don't take it badly.

\- It entertains me. – I snorted. – Mostly. – I added.

Erik kissed me gently on the lips, and did not even remove the human mask, only turned over to leave me again.

\- You go away again? – I asked with disappointment.

\- I have to, sweetie. I have a meeting in two hours, to buy our house. – His voice sounded so cheerful I nearly melted.

\- I miss my little husband. – I stated half jokingly, but I meant it.

\- Oh… - Erik stopped mid-step, turning back to me, them walked to me and hugged me by full force. He was so cute expressing his overflowing emotions, just because I said something that touched his heart. After kissing my hand and cheeks, he hugged me tight again, seemingly not wanting to let me go, but after some minutes, he released me and softly informed he won't take long to return.

He really returned not too much after, with a wide grin all over his face, whistling an upbeat and lively cheerful melody. This indicated he was in a real good mood as he rarely did whistle just for fun, and he rarely chose something so cheerful to whistle. He inserted a playful trill in the melody, sending his voice in my right ear, then threw a kiss in my direction. I caught the kiss in the air and threw one back at him and giggled at his childishly happy behavior, and ran to greet him. He scooped me up in his arms quickly, and delightedly turned around with me, then, after happily kissing me, he announced:

\- We own a home.

\- It is fantastic, my love! – I exclaimed gladly.

\- I know. – He nodded. – Finally I can leave this rathole. Oh how great it will be to have a house with ordinary doors and windows, finally… - He sighed with relief, putting me down, and placing another soft kiss on my forehead. – With my sweet little wife.

\- And when will we be wed? – I inquired.

\- Well… I am not sure yet, dear, it depends on more things.

\- What things?

\- At first, the time I get done with the new house. I want to take you home there as my wife, and never return to this place. – He gestured around with disgust.

\- And how much renovation does that house require?

\- Not much, but I have expectations which the house shall meet in the end. All in all, the renovation will most likely take a few weeks, maybe a month. At first, I shall change all the wallpapers and repaint all of it. I need to repair a leaking pipe in the main bathroom, and change the tiles there, and I think I am going to change all the bathroom equipments.

\- Why, do they have some problem?

\- No, but they are used. I am not using a tub that was used by someone else I don't even know.

\- Oh, we are so picky now. – I teased.

\- Call it as you want, my dear, but if I can afford it, I will not tolerate something which I do not wish to tolerate.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled in the end and shrugged.

\- Whatever makes you happy. – I said, tapping his shoulder. – Wait… main bathroom? Are there more? – I asked with more interest. To be honest, when we looked at it with Erik we were just walking downstairs, and I only took a glance at the gallery upstairs and I could count I think two or three doors on the upper floor. Downstairs I counted one larger and three smaller rooms, but the smaller rooms were quite big as well, a kitchen, a bathroom and a hall which was also large.

\- But of course. – He nodded gracefully. – Did you think I purchase a house with ONLY one? I don't take a step back. I had two bathrooms for even myself. – He snorted.

\- I never understood why, though. – I admitted. – You could not expect guests when you built this house.

\- Do you wish to know the reason behind it? – He asked casually.

\- If you don't mind telling. – I replied, leaving the choice for him not to answer if he did not feel comfortable.

\- Why not? – He shrugged. – Actually the Louis- Philippe room was intended to be my bedroom originally while I planned the house. This is why, in the first place, I built the Torture Chamber there, with the window, so I could see who was trying to enter my house, if I happened to be woken at night, for example. And "your" bathroom was built first. The room I use now, was intended to be used as a study. I did not plan to sleep there, but as you know, I often fall asleep during work, so I later put there the couch I sleep on today as well. Later I got the idea of sleeping in a coffin, so I bought that, and abandoned the couch, and as I started to live in that room, I decided to attach a bathroom to it by sheer laziness and comfort.

\- So you rather built another bathroom than walking through a hallway?

\- Do not always search logic in my actions. – He shrugged. – And it is actually a hallway AND a whole room.

\- Wait, may I ask another thing?

\- Ask away. – He sat down, but politely looked into my direction.

\- Ummm… so about the scorpion and the grasshopper…

\- Yes? - His voice did not sound to be irritated, merely curious.

\- Well, I don't really get why did you put them there. I mean… It seemed to me they were there earlier as well than you had brought Christine here.

\- The grasshopper was here. The scorpion was installed later.

\- Hm, wait, and then it means it was just a self destruction method and later you put another possibility which drowns the gunpowder?

\- Exactly.

\- But why? I mean… you randomly insert a switch in your house to blow up the whole Opera just for fun?

\- Not for fun. Out of fear. – He corrected. – Can't you see I am afraid of living down here and being caught? I hide here like a rat. – He sighed. – Why, do you think are there a Torture Chamber, a bell alarm for the lake and a grasshopper switch on my bedroom mantelpiece in my… ehh… house? I was always terribly afraid of being caught and exposed, like I was… more times in my life. I often kill by fear… that fool would have found my… "home" as well… If it wasn't for the Torture Chamber, he'd have surprised me in my house. That is what I avoid. If they found my hiding place I'd have just turned the grasshopper to flee.

I closed my eyes, shuddering. I knew well that Erik was right in a way, but the grasshopper was a way too much exaggeration. I did not agree with the Torture Chamber either, but this idea to blow up the whole Opera because being caught, causing the death of so many people and damaging the building and maybe the surrounding buildings as well, causing injuries and deaths on the streets as well with it… I lowered my head and sighed deeply. Erik said nothing more. Maybe he regretted being so honest with me before. But it is certainly better like this, so now I know what he was truly capable of if he really wanted to make sure of being left alone. We were silent for a time, I could only hear the clock. After long- long minutes passed in complete silence and wondering, I lifted my head up to look at Erik. He was eyeing me anxiously. He did not dare to speak, but was cracking his fingers, and when he noticed I looked at him, he cleared his throat in embarrassment.

\- You… sure have your opinion of me now. – He stated softly. – I understand if… if this fact changes your decisions and feelings regarding Erik and your relationship with him. – He stood up, and looked at his shoes, avoiding eye contact. He wanted to turn away and leave the room, but I caught his arm. He stopped mid step again, waiting half curiously and half worrying of what I had to say about this.

\- You have warned me before. – I stated, informing him it wasn't his fault I was so ignorant of his darker side earlier. – Now this confession just took me a bit of unprepared. But… Erik, promise something, will you?

\- I promise anything you wish of me. – He replied softly.

\- Promise our new home won't contain such features.

\- Erik has had enough of these kinds of alarm systems, do not worry. – He stated calmly. – So may I hope you still consider that house as "our home"?

\- Yes, I do. I did not change my mind. And will not, unless you kill more people.

\- I am tired of this life, as I have stated earlier. – He said. – Fear not, it won't happen.

I nodded and kissed him on the lips, which he returned with a hopeful expression in his golden eyes.

Renovation of our new home started in a few days.

Erik took me out to watch it once again before he started working, and at that time I was walking around paying more attention to the details. Knowing that house was now mine as well, I had bigger urge to walk around, exploring. The house was large, light and had much rooms. I loved that the rooms had window seats, I always envied the characters in Victorian books and movies who owned a house with them, and I often imagined curling up there with a great book or my phone, relaxing.

\- This was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the house as well. – Erik smiled as he noticed I sat up in the window.

\- We could cuddle here. – I offered.

\- I can't wait. – Erik stroke my hair. – Come, choose your room.

\- Will I have an own room? – I asked, smiling.

\- Of course. We have a big enough house and both of us, I think, needs some alone time sometimes. Downstairs, as I imagined, there will be the drawing room, a dining room, finally I will be able to furnish a music room there, and my study over there. And there is the main bathroom and the kitchen. But you could suggest changes- it is your home as well.

\- It is fine as you imagined. – I nodded. – It sounds rather great and you have more experiences with building and furnishing houses than I am.

Erik smiled and patted my shoulder, smiling.

\- Just don't let me take over the leadership completely. You know well I am a tyrant if you let me be one.

\- I won't let you control me if I don't want to be controlled. – I nodded. – But until that I accept guidance from a more experienced and wiser person.

\- Older, by one word. – Erik laughed out and shook his head.

Walking upstairs, our footsteps echoed a bit of too loudly because of the lack of furnitures in the house, and I looked around proudly. There were 4 doors upstairs. Three rooms and a bathroom upstairs as well.

\- See? Here is the second bathroom, to your luck, as you would have a hard time to wait me out of the bathroom in the mornings. – Erik chuckled.

Showing me around upstairs as well, I noticed one of the rooms had a balcony. It was small, but very friendly. I instantly fell in love with it, and stepped out to watch the view from it. It was already the end of March, with a beautiful spring weather, and I took a deep breath from the clear air. Erik hugged my shoulder and playfully kissed my ear.

\- I see you have already chosen. – He chuckled.

\- If you don't insist on having a balcony, then yes.

\- You may have it, I have a full garden. – He shrugged. – As I guess you don't want to garden.

\- Not really. – I shook my head. – And won't it be too much for you?

\- Not at all, I am glad to finally being able to surround myself with flowers and plants after so many years of surrounded by stones. – He shuddered, thinking of the cellars of the Opera.

\- I can understand. – I looked at him with unhidden pity.

\- This is why this house means so much to me, you see. Finally I have an ordinary house, like everyone else… and not a rat hole under the Opera house… just look at the sky… we have doors… windows… not secret passageways and trapdoors… I used to love trapdoors so much. Juti, you can't imagine how much I loathe them nowadays. I know you like them… but…

\- I like normal homes as well, and I love it anywhere with you.

\- Anywhere with Erik? – He looked at me with adoration.

\- I would follow you to the end of the world. – I said.

\- And so would Erik follow you… anywhere. – He kissed me on the forehead. – Oh… - He looked around dreamily- if I could, I would not even go back to the Opera any more.

\- I don't mind if we stay here. – I shrugged.

\- Would you rather stay in an unfurnished house with me than at home? – He gasped. – We don't even have a bed.

\- I would even sleep in a bathtub or on the floor with you. – I shrugged. – I am young, I tolerate things more. You said that a person is more tolerant of hard circumstances until they are young.

\- If it is so… and you are sure… I am going to see if the house is suitable for staying here for the night. – He looked at me with such a thankful expression I could not help but kiss him.

He left me with a relieved sigh to look around in the house.

 **Erik's diary**

 ** _27_** ** _th_** ** _March, 1882_**

 _Erik is the happiest man on Earth._

 _To tell the truth he spent a rather uncomfortable night on a hardwood floor , having nothing but his cape between himself and the floor and he was a bit of cold as he gave all the few covers he found in the house to Juti. He was so worried she might catch a cold. (Note to self: give her some hot lemon tea and honey for a few days to prevent an illness and buy her fruits). But… but all of this is NOT important!_

 _It matters NOTHING. As I have spent, contrary to all of these, the happiest of nights of my life so far. At first, it is our own house we have slept in for the first time. We have an own house, an ordinary house, like everyone else… but what is that house for if Erik is alone? Erik would not have a house if he was alone because why? What for? But now he has Juti by his side, he finally wants to live like everyone else. Oh how I dreamed of this earlier as well! And who would have thought it can happen so soon after I thought I was going to die of a broken heart?_

 _We slept together on the floor, and she cuddled up against me and took my hand in her sleep. She was so sweet, unintentionally holding me, I cried of happiness. My tears flew on her hand as I put my head so close to her… we were holding hands all night, and I fell asleep like that._

 _I woke up in the dawn, to the sensation my left hand was so numb I wasn't able to feel it any longer. I lay on my hand, just as when I went to sleep next to her, and she was still clinging to my fingers._

 _Through a whole night she wanted to touch Erik…_

 _And again I was crying of happiness._


	42. Taking up New Habits

**_Erik's diary_**

 _Contrary to I felt uncomfortable due to the dullness of my left, I had no heart to get up and free my hand from hers for a long time, even after I woke up. I could not fall back asleep because I wasn't tired anymore, and I was a bit of uncomfortable for more reasons, and because I wanted to watch her as she was sleeping peacefully next to me._

 _She was so unbearably cute to watch I don't remember such a sweet and calming sight in my existence. It was already around 7 in the morning as I could estimate it from the position of the sun which shone through the uncovered window. I was so happy to see the light in my house finally after long – long years, and I did not have to light a lamp all the time, even in broad daylight, not to wander in complete darkness. She brought the light in my life and looking at her, I made sure she was a creature of Heavenly light indeed. The morning sun shone at her small delightedly sleeping figure, painting her with caressingly warm yellow rays. She looked like an angel who fell from Heaven and landed on my floor to my endless luck. I could not help but nearly against my will, stroke her hair with my free hand and she smiled in her dream at my touch. Her hair was softly flowing through my fingers and I could not be happier._

 _As time passed and she lived with me in these months I realized, contrary to what I thought before, my idol wasn't the blonde haired and blue eyed porcelain doll type woman. I thought for a time that Juti's hair was darker blonde, or mid- brown depending on lighting. Now that her hair grew it was obvious she dyed her hair earlier and her natural hair color was similarly very dark brown to mine. I always wondered before how can she have blonde locks with so deep dark chocolate colored eyes. Girls with blonde hair usually had blue, gray, green or light brown eyes, but Juti's eyes were deep brown, nearly black. She looked like Snow White to me with a light complexion and dark hair and eyes, with beautiful thick cherry lips. I liked her hair much more in the shade of dark brown and hoped she won't want to dye it again. This color suited her much more in my opinion._

 _Yes I thought I loved blonde women. Now I found out the hair color is all the same, and doesn't matter as long as she loves me. Also, I had to admit I always liked how she looked like. I wasn't always in love, of course, but she was a beautiful little creature, I loved to look at her always._

 _It was a magical sensation to wake up looking at her face next to me, and feeling her presence so close to my body. A special warm feeling filled my heart up and I was so calm… so so calm! I knew that I would want to sleep next to her in my whole existence and never ever get up from here._

 _It was so much better to sleep with my sweet little girl on a hardwood floor in a cold and empty house in the suburbs of Paris, covered by my cape only than in my luxuriously equipped and well- heated Persian suite in a huge, soft and comfortable bed, covered in many warm and soft blankets of the finest cloths- alone as my thumb! Much- much better it was! And I would not trade this night for 100 of those Persian nights in return!_

 _I so wished this moment would never end, but in the end, it was me who broke the magic, however I did not want to._

 _Oh Juti, please forgive your poor Erik for the boorishness of peeling your small and beautiful fingers off of mines and leaving you there to sleep on the floor all alone in the dawn and believe him, he would have liked to wait for you to wake up and greet you in the morning with a kiss so much - if he did not have to relieve himself so urgently after a time._

 _Well, I have talent in ruining romantic moments… But to make up for my absence I covered you up with my cape as well to keep you warm._

 _When I returned she just woke up and sat up, rubbing her eyes. When she saw me standing next to her after putting on her glasses, she instantly jumped into my arms, and happily kissed me a good morning. Of course, she was always this happy when I finally showed up next to her in the mornings, but this time it was something else. Finally, I technically woke up next to her and we greeted each other in the morning as a real couple._

 _That's what I was dreaming of in my earlier life, to have someone with me to sleep next to, and always waking up next to her._

 _I so wished if we shared each night and morning like this, and… maybe we could try sleeping together if it will be only sleeping…? Seemingly, it gives both of us such a pleasure… Maybe not even the House by the Lake, in the remaining time we stay there, will be such a rat hole if we shared a bed…? But nothing more shall happen yet! We are going fast enough already, we became a legal love couple only in February and it is not even April yet…_

 _Oh may the Devil know… !_

 _It goes as it goes!_

 _After I informed her I wished to take her home and I shall start buying the supplies required for renovation and start working right away, and rejoin her later at home, she looked at me asking:_

\- _And why can't I go with you?_

\- _Oh sweetie, it is, I am sure, boring for you. – I shrugged. – You could be home, playing music and the more boring work is for me._

\- _What is boring, picking out wallpapers? – She retorted._

\- _Partly, but not only that._

\- _I want to be there when you buy wallpaper and paints because you will only buy dark colors if I am not there and you are capable of painting my room black._

\- _I would not. – I snorted. – But well, you sure have other plans… all right… you may come._

 _I knew she could be just as stubborn as I was, and I did not mind her by my side at all, on the contrary, but sure, it wasn't easy to make compromises. She pointed at the mushy sickeningly sweet patterns and colors. She wasn't able to think of other color pattern than red-lavender-yellow-light blue-pink. Black was on her literal blacklist, no matter how beautiful black/gray wallpaper I showed her, she announced she wasn't going to live in a crypt any longer- of course, she said it on a louder volume than it was desired by me. I rather nodded to the garish yellow-lavender one she chosed, than hearing it again. I informed her she chose it for her room, but she shook her head._

\- _It is for the drawing room._

\- _No way it is. – I sighed. – I am not going to stare at it for a long time out of my free will._

\- _It means you are not entering my room? – She looked sad._

\- _Not unless you permit me. – I corrected my earlier mistake._

\- _All right, then it is for my room, and that is for the drawing room. – She pointed at the other hideous one she chosed. It had ribbon pattern on the top with gold color, and the whole wallpaper was crimson red._

\- _Oh come on… at least chose something darker._

\- _Not darker. It is the darkest color I tolerate. – She acted like a teen, yet again._

\- _I am a man, I am not going to paint the whole house in lavender and pink. It is not a dollhouse. You may chose the ugliest surroundings for your room, but let me chose my favorite colors for the rooms I use._

\- _All right, but at least not black. – She sighed. – I hate it, I will be sad looking at it._

\- _You are so childish, it is just a color. – I barked._

\- _It is bad enough you wear black all the time. I thought you were going to wear lighter colors when you got that white suit._

\- _If it was up to you, you would get me a lavender jacket and make me wear it._

\- _A purple tie would suit you well. – She winked. – Halloween vampire color._

\- _You talk nonsense yet again. – I shook my head but I could not resist a laugh._

 _I had to face that picking out wallpapers and paints wasn't a routine job any more I get done with in half an hour. Once a woman enters one's life everything takes much more time and she fusses about everything… But this just makes her more adorable… yet sometimes a bit of annoying. After much – much picking and debating color schemes, in the end we made some compromises. Erik had to accept it wasn't only his house anymore and it is understandable she wanted to see her favorite colors around her, and Erik is not a bachelor to do as he pleases any more. That house is hers as well, and she doesn't only have a room in my house. Yet she has to accept I do not wish to live in a doll house with only those colors I do not really like. We chosed a dark blue- light gray striped wallpaper for the salon in the end, and well, I had to convince her the gray stripe was actually white just… she saw it gray due to lighting in the shop. I know it wasn't really nice but she did not want gray either. The music room will be jade green paint with wood wallcover to waist height, as she accepted green as a color. The kitchen is stone, thankfully, but the dining room will be light yellowish brown. Yes, yellow has to be included. Her room will be a total girly nightmare, with a wallpaper of light blue, having huge flower baskets all over it (yes so I will have to adjust it on pattern while putting up, eh) the basket is yellow and it contains roses of white, yellow and pink. At least it isn't in my room. Her ceiling has to be colored in light peach, and she asked for wooden wall cover at the bottom, of the same garish peach color, or white. As I don't feel I should include another color in that chaos, peach it will be, her wood floor is a light one anyway. I don't dare to think what a carpet she will insist for the room, but it is already garishly sweet enough, so it can't ruin it any more, I guess. I have to admit though that she has a talent in combinating colors. She had a few very great suggestions as well I can use. Other than working with too light and bright colors for my taste in the maintime, she sure has a good taste in general._

\- _I liked to design interiors when playing the Sims. – She admitted, smiling when I praised her for an idea after we arrived back to our new home and I started to make plans and preparations._

\- _Playing what? – I did not hear that word before._

\- _The Sims. It is a game for computers which is about building a home for your people you create for the game and you control their lives._

\- _Aside the house building part and furnishing it must be boring as Hell. – I snorted. – Who wants to see other people's lives?_

\- _I was able to play for hours. – She shrugged, smiling. – You know, you can create a person with features you chose, they will look like your imaginary babies._

\- _A virtual dollhouse._

\- _It is. – She giggled. – I raised many children with it. I also created an Erik Sim._

\- _What for? – I gasped._

\- _To make him happy. I fulfilled his wishes. He wanted to be a Movie Composer. I granted it. He married Christine Daaé and they had 2 children._

\- _It sounds… good enough save for the children. And next time make him an architect or contractor. Erik does not want to live from composing._

\- _I will, if I have the opportunity to play again. – She smiled. – But I also have a dark secret with that game. It is good for torture and killing them._

\- _Killing? – I gasped again. She never ever used that word to describe her own actions._

\- _Yes for example I made a family but everyone was so unsympathetic to me I did not wish to play with them any more as they did not want to go to work or school and they were sloppy and left the dishes to rot on the floor and they never flushed the toilet._

\- _And how on Earth did you kill them?_

\- _The children liked to swim so I just sent them to the swimming pool to the garden. They started swimming and I took the ladder from the pool, which act, with the game's logic, made them unable to get out of the water. They swam around until they got too tired to swim any more and they just drowned into the water out of utter exhaustion._

\- _Awesome. Less fuss than the siren. – I nodded. – Others?_

\- _The father was watching TV all the time, so I built a wall around him without a door and he died of starvation, being unable to go to the fridge to get food._

\- _Good old immurement, it is a nice way to kill someone, slow enough. – I shrugged. – Just a bit of boring. Any more creative ways?_

\- _I electroshocked the Mom. – She nodded._

\- _Oh that one sounds much more interesting. How did you do that?_

\- _She had not enough skills to fix a broken dishwasher. I sent her to fix it nonetheless and as the machine was leaking she was standing in the middle of a puddle. She started messing with the electrical stuff and soon she was killed by electricity._

 _I laughed out, I think a bit nastier than I should have, at that, but she laughed with me._

\- _I'd have never thought you had… a darker side. – I admitted, looking up at her._

\- _Everyone has, I think. – She shrugged. – Do you now think I am a bad person?_

\- _No. You did not kill real people after all, it was just an illusion._

\- _See? But I liked to do it. It means I am not perfect and not an angel. I am capable of bad thoughts and actions._

\- _You, my sweetheart, just play the role of the Devil's aid, to make me think I am less of a terrible person, yet you would not be able to kill a spider if your life depended on it. – I stated half mockingly._

\- _You would be surprised if you found out what I am capable of, if I want. – She stated a bit ominously. I laughed. It was a tone she never used before. She laughed as well, so it gave away she did not mean it._

 _I smiled at her and informed I was going to install a power source in her room so she will be able to charge her phone, which made her extremely happy. She jumped in my neck and kissed me. I could not help but laugh every time she did it. And she always said she loved when I laughed. I could not imagine before that I would laugh so much, ever in my life._

 _After we went home to the house, I started packing my tools I needed for working the next day and Juti jumped next to me excitedly._

\- _We start tomorrow?_

\- _Yes, but… we?_

\- _Yes, I go there and help you._

\- _Oh, sweetie, you are unable to help… but you are welcome to accompany Erik if you wish._

\- _I can help. – She stated. – It isn't the first time._

\- _How could you help with a renovation, dear? – I asked. – Your eyes are not healthy and you are a girl after all._

\- _Don't dare to call me less capable of painting just because I am a girl! – She snorted angrily._

\- _I did not mean it the wrong way, but… girls usually are not interested in these things._

\- _I am perfectly educated in this field. – She knelt next to my toolbox and pointing at the tools and objects she listed: - Tile cutter, glass-cutter, snitzer, chisel, cross spacers, plier, wrench, pipe wrench, brush, paint roller._

\- _How can you name all the tools? – I gasped._

\- _I told you I have seen these before. I used most of them, or just handed them to someone. I am capable of that too, believe it or not._

\- _Why did you have to use these? These are not for a young girl._

\- _At first, my paternal Grandpa was a plumber and I saw him working when I was small sometimes. I handed him tools because I liked to help and we were able to talk during work. When I was older, I often helped Mom with reparing things around the house. You see, my Dad was blind so we did not have a man in the house who could do the "man's work", and we did not always have the money to hire amaster to do it, and so Mom had to. She is a very handy person, she can repair everything, and I helped her a lot. We put on the wallpaper in my room in Hungary. I guess we can do it now as well, just let me help you please._

 _I could not believe my ears. Finally, she claimed she could do something, on her own, besides music! Finally she was confident, and willing to help me with something I did not think a girl could do or would want to do. She wished to take part in remodeling the house!_

\- _I am sure our house will be the most beautiful one in whole France, my darling! – I hugged her tight close to myself and kissed her passionately on the lips. – My sweet little aid._

 _As we agreed in waking up early in the morning to go to work on the new house together, it was time to go to bed already, but how should Erik tell her what he thought of earlier during the day…? Will she agree at all? Sleeping together in a bed is something else than spending the night on a floor, cuddling…_

\- _It is time for us to sleep my dear. – I started hesitantly, hoping she would ask me to sleep with her… agreeing is much easier than offering._

\- _Yes, it is. – She looked at me anxiously. – And I am going to sleep alone…? Again…?_

\- _Why, do you want to? – I asked._

\- _It was so good to sleep with you Erik. Even if on the floor it was so good. – She admitted._

\- _I feel the same way. – I smiled._

\- _So may I hope we sleep together again?_

\- _Yes, dear, if you wish. – I hugged her close to myself and kissed her on the forehead with relief._

 _Thankfully, she allowed me to have the leftovers of my dignity, and spared me of the humiliation to beg her to allow me by her side. It was much better for my ego, I have to admit. I asked her to get ready for bed and I went to my bathroom to take a bath and change before going to sleep. I would still die of shame if she saw me changing, however close we are getting nowadays…_

 _When I arrived to the Louis Philippe room, wearing nightwear, she was already sitting on the edge of the bed in a nightgown which looked fantastic on her. She smiled at me and invited me to join her. I think I gave the most awkward little chuckle ever and I closed my eyes while sitting down at the other edge of the bed to remove my slippers and lay down._

\- _Umm… would you put the lights off, sweetie? – I asked. – Please._

 _I was a bit nervous now that I was allowed to sleep with her. I wanted to be unseen as fast as possible, and I did not know how to start cuddling to her… will she allow it again…? I cautiously reached out towards her and stroke her face. She, seemingly waited only for this sign, as she crawled close to me and cuddled up against my side, putting her head on my chest. Contrary to Mother had a huge Louis- Philippe sleigh bed which was able to hold, I daresay two adults and one child, my side of the bed became her side as well, apparently. Oh, but did I mind it? Not at all! I put my arm around her shoulder, hugging her, and with a deep relieved sigh I whispered._

\- _Good night my treasure. I love you._

\- _I love you too. – She whispered back. – And will never leave you._


	43. To share a House, to share a Bed

**Author's note:** I would like to thank you all for the continuous support you give me about this story. I never thought a self-insert daydream was going to be so much loved. Special thanks to E.M.K.81, chrissymama and ghostwritten2 for their continuous kind reviews and the inspiration their encouraging words give me.

 **WARNING: Slightly (?) NSFW content mentioned in this chapter.**

Hope you enjoy reading.

Juti's POV

Sharing a bed with your loved ones can be so calming and romantic. In one's daydreams it is always pictured as a peaceful slumber in each other's arms, until dawn finds you together, relaxing happily and well- rested, holding each other. The night at our new home was like that at first, as we slept on the floor, and I remember we were holding hands.

Though, sharing the Louis- Philippe bed wasn't that easy and romantic, contrary to its size. That bed was really huge, I bet one more person could easily fit if it wasn't Erik and me sleeping in that bed, but a "normal" couple.

Sleeping with him wasn't always like I imagined earlier and I bet he did not picture our nights any similar to this. At first: Erik snores. I knew it before as well, because I heard it many times when he fell asleep in my presence, but he does snore quite loudly sometimes. Especially if he sleeps deep and he sleeps on his back. If I am lucky enough to fall asleep before him, it doesn't wake me up any more, but until I finally fall asleep it does bother me. And due to this fact I am unable to fall asleep that quickly and easily. If I toss him a few times he will either stop it for a time or turn to his side, which makes him stop it anyway. It isn't that bad though, I am going to get used to it anyway, I am sure.

There are some bigger problems though. Erik usually steals my blanket as he is quite cold always, and in his sleep he just grabs my blanket and pulls it on himself. I am sure he is used to sleeping alone and he doesn't think it is mine, he just guesses it slipped off of him, so he just wraps it around himself. It would not be a problem if I had another blanket just like him, he sleeps with 4 of them, and mine on top, but I do not have another if he steals it and I wake up to the sensation being cold. It is not easy to get it back as if he gets it, he clings to it like a dog to his bone. He grips it by all force of his skeletal hand if I try to pull it off of him, sometimes even moaning in his sleep, not letting it go. Finally, getting tired of the battle over my blanket I had to get another one from the dresser and use that, but eventually he stole that one too during that night, so I woke up with no blanket in the morning while he already had six of them. He apologized for it in the morning when he realized what he did, but I, of course, am not mad at him for this. It was bad to see how sad he was about stealing my blanket accidentally, just as if he robbed me on the streets. Poor guy…

And even these two actions weren't too bad if he just stopped tossing and kicking so much in his sleep. He sometimes accidentally slaps me by abruptly throwing his hand to the side, or kicks me in a sudden vehement position change. And he does not take affection too well when he is sleeping. I only realized it when I hugged him once in the middle of the night, and instantly received a massive kick at my side. He isn't used to sleeping with someone, and he subconsciously fights anyone who tries to "restrain" him, especially during a nightmare. He has nightmares still. I know because he starts whimpering and turning from side to side during them, sometimes talking incoherently in French, begging for help, or asking the one he hallucinates to stop whatever they were doing in his dream. When I noticed he was having a nightmare, I always tried to wake him up, which was a hard task, as I had already found out, but in the end he always woke up, either by my aid or by himself, with a gasp or a cry. I had to hug him to calm him down after such an episode but it did happen he did not recognize me right away in his half sleeping state, so he sometimes tossed me away, and growled at me not to touch him or to leave him alone. As he regained his common sense, he always apologized after such an event took place, and I was so heartbroken to see how sorrowful it made him to realize he accidentally tossed me away from himself.

\- Forgive me love… Erik was insane. – He whispered anxiously, hugging me tight.

Of course, I was all compassionate towards him if these things happened. He was ashamed when I saw him in this state, and later he had mixed feelings about sleeping with me. I knew he was battling with his own thoughts, but in the end he always appeared in the Louis Philippe room to sleep with me, each night.

I think, he was even more ashamed when I found out his little secret. When he was anxious or after he had a nightmare, he was often sucking his thumb in his sleep. I did not mind it at all, but he nearly sank when he woke up, seeing I looked at him and his thumb was in his mouth. He nervously tried to explain he was trying to get rid of this habit desperately throughout his life, but never succeeded. He described himself as "disgusting" because he was doing it, but I assured him I loved him no matter what. As he saw I did not feel disgust over his bad habit, he calmed down a bit, but still was a bit of nervous about it. I think it will take him years to finally relax in front of me.

Though there was a thing I was angry about. He could not help about his nightmares and his actions during his sleep, but he was totally awake when he kicked or threw Wolfy out of the bed several times. Wolfy was used to sleeping with me, to which Erik remarked so this is why he has to change my sheets so often, because the filthy cat always fouls it with its fur and dirt from its paws. He did not like the cat in the bed as he stated, and said he was only allowed to stay at my side, if even there. When Wolfy snuggled up to him, he put him down on the floor when he noticed it, which was of course, acceptable, but once I saw him grabbing Wolfy's fur on his neck which made the poor thing cry, and he threw him away.

\- How dare you? – I hit him on the head with my pillow, I admit.

\- The damned cat was walking on my face. – He groaned. – It woke me up by putting its paw in my nose.

\- You still could be kinder.

\- Not after the fifth time tonight. And if you are so compassionate about it, I am going to shove my fingers into your nose repeatedly while you are trying to sleep! Let's see how much you like it.

\- Okay, but do not throw him.

\- It always lands on its feet. – He growled, turning his back towards me.

Wolfy's presence in the room bothered him so much he eventually shut him out of the Louis- Philippe room for the night, which resulted in Wolfy getting bored not being able to sleep with me. A bored cat is never good. He ended up breaking a vase from the mantelpiece in the salon by morning.

\- I am not going to take this damned cat in my new home! – Erik yelled while he was sweeping the remains of the vase together on the carpet.

\- Oh, so it is already your house. Yours alone.

\- I am going to say who may enter. The cat may not.

\- Why do you hate him so much?

\- I do not hate him. – He stated calmly. – If I did, he would be already dead. I am just not fond of cats.

\- But he likes you. And you like him too.

\- A bit. But not at night on my face, and not when he destroys my belongings.

\- What if it was me who broke something?

\- You know well that I would not hurt you for it. – He sighed. – But you are you and not just a cat.

\- Wolfy is not just a cat. He means so much to me. Please be kinder to him… please…

\- All right, I am going to bathe him in milk and butter and smile when he shits in my shoes. Good?

\- Oh Erik… - I sighed in disappointment and left.

I wasn't taken to the new house to work that day, Erik had left without me. I did not really mind it too much then, as I was a bit tired from the not enough sleep in the nights before. We were sleeping together for two weeks already, but we had to get used to each other, so we did not sleep too much. To tell the truth, I was a bit of angry with Erik because he was so rude to Wolfy and talked like that about him. Especially the sarcasm he used after I was honestly telling him I loved that cat more than "just a cat" made me upset. Maybe I overdramatized it, but well. I really felt that way and did not want to pretend I did not.

I spent the day by sleeping a bit, spending time with Wolfy, and in the afternoon I decided to cook dinner for both of us. I did not know when Erik will return but I hoped he will come back at the usual time, around 7 in the evening, when we would come home together. I also hoped he will be in a better mood by the time he comes home. I missed him. If we did not have that fight in the morning, now I could be by his side, working with him. Even applying glue to the wallpaper was entertaining next to him. We had great talks and singing contests while working. And now just because a stupid fight, he left me here alone and he is working all alone.

Dinner was ready in time. But Erik did not come home. It was already half past nine when I was sure he won't. I did not have any appetite, so I did not eat, but I thought of something. I thought earlier about the possibility that the food will cool, and reheating cold food in the late 1800s wasn't just about microwaving it, so I made food which was enjoyable both as hot and cold. I packed the pots of food in a basket, with the needed amount of forks and spoons, and napkins, and covered it by a tablecloth so it won't get any dirt in it, and went out of the house.

It was a bit of a fuss to reach the suburbs in that late hour. I had to take a cab, but I did not have enough money to get to our address, only about halfway. I had to walk from there. I knew Erik did not take all the money with him, but his purse was missing, and I did not know exactly where he kept his money, and I would not like to use it anyway if it was up to me. I knew we were soon getting married if everything went well, but still, I considered it as stealing.

It was already nearly eleven o clock when I arrived to our lot. The gate was closed, but looking through the bars of the wrought iron fence, I noticed light coming through the window from one of the upper rooms. It was the room with the balcony. My room. He was working on my room. A strange bittersweet feeling took over me, as I felt it was touching and sad at the same time. I felt like I was locked out of the house, and a chill ran down my spine, due to the kind of cool night and the fact I was all alone on an abandoned street in the late night. I was a bit of scared, to tell the truth. I had the brain to thankfully carry a lantern with me so at least I could see. Erik chosed a lot far from the city, and nothing but fields were surrounding the house from each side. Anxiously I rang the bell at the gate. Nothing moved for a time, everything was silent. I rang it once again, but nothing happened. If he isn't here why is that room lit? He has to be here somewhere. It can be though, that he simply could not hear it, or he can't finish whatever he was doing to answer the door or he simply does not wish to be bothered. He did not expect visitors, to be honest.

\- Erik! – I yelled through the abandoned garden, and squeezed the bars desperately. – Erik it's me!

No answer came and no one moved for a time. The house sure was too far away from the gate and Erik was in the house somewhere. All windows were closed. I rang the doorbell yet again and this time I decided I won't stop ringing it until Erik appears.

In a five minutes time, he finally showed up, walking through the main entrance and descending the few steps of the terrace made of stone. He held his walking stick and leaned against it, and he wore his cape and hat, pulled in his eyes. As he was walking towards me, he noticeably got surprised as he dropped something on the way, stopping about halfway towards the gate.

\- Is that you?! – His voice was scared.

He arrived to the gate with a jump. I had no idea how the Hell was he able to jump so long, but he opened the gate in a blink of an eye, causing me nearly to fall through it as I did not yet have the time to release it, Erik was so vehement about letting me in.

\- What are you doing here this late? – He caught me as I fell, half desperately, half angrily, I think. He held me by the shoulders, and I felt his hands shaking.

\- I brought you dinner. – I said in the most innocent manner possible, with a small smile.

\- Dinner? – He gasped. – Why?

\- Because I was worried you hadn't eaten all day and you did not come home. I missed you.

For a few seconds he was examining me with a hint of shock, and finally he just scooped me up in his arms and picked up the basket and the lantern from the ground. He hurriedly picked something up from the ground when we reached the spot he was standing before, and hid the object. Of course, I wasn't as blind as he sometimes would have preferred me to be, I guess.

\- What was that?

\- What? – He chosed to play the idiot, it seems.

\- The thing you dropped before and now hid in your cloak.

\- Umm… - He let out a small nervous laugh while balancing me in his arm to open the front door- Nothing.

\- Erik do not LIE. – I snorted. – Admit it.

\- A pistol. – He sighed.

\- Great. You come to open the door with a pistol.

\- What the Hell should Erik do at night? He thought you were at home, who else would come here at this late hour, eh?

\- Is it loaded?

\- What is the use of it, if it isn't? – He retorted sarcastically while putting me down. – Now sure you are going to tell me that shame on me, oh wait wait… "Shame on you Erik, you might murder innocent people with that, oh m God how can you have it? Gaaasp!" He imitated my voice and intonation just fine. I started laughing which surprised him. He thought, I think, that I will be mad at him for the sarcasm.

\- You can imitate my voice, but you sure do not know me enough yet. – I giggled.

\- How come?

\- Because you did not guess right what I was about to say.

\- Why… what were you about to say? – He asked with surprise.

\- I was about to ask if it is loaded, would you mind teaching me to shoot?

Silence came. Erik sighed deeply yet again, then looked into my eyes. Then, without a word he reached into his waistcoat pocket and picked out the small bottle I already saw once, when he was talking to the Daroga in Box Five. He leaned his back against the wall and took a huge sip of the contents.

\- And that, what's that? Some kind of alcohol?

He nodded after drinking, and put it away.

\- What kind of alcohol? – I went on with interest.

\- Did you come here to nag me? – He pointed at me.

\- No. I told you already: I missed you. And I don't ask more things than I usually do.

\- Might be I tolerate you less today. – He admitted tiredly.

\- Shall I go home then? – I asked with sadness.

\- You are not going to walk around in Paris at night. – He growled. – A woman can't just go alone at night, can you guess what could have happened to you? Why do you always have to cause me a heart attack, girl? You are hammering nails into my coffin! – He took a deep breath and seemingly counted to ten in his mind.

\- So you worry? – I looked at him.

\- Of course I do!

\- It means you love me. – I hugged Erik tightly.

With a small gasp, he could not help but he stroke my hair and back.

\- I do love you. Of course I do. – I hear him softly speaking to me and he kissed the top of my head.

\- I love you too.

\- I thought you did not any more.

\- Why?

\- Because I was rude to your cat. – He said brokenly. – You seem to pamper that animal as if it was a child to you. I thought this morning that you love it more than you love Erik.

\- Are you jealous? About a cat? Erik…

\- It is not the first time an animal gives Erik jealousy. Mother loved and pampered her lap dog the way he should have acted towards her child, but she never loved Erik that way… because he wasn't as cuddly.

\- You are cuddly. I prove it. – I hugged him once again and as he sat down, I climbed on his lap. – Erik I don't love Wolfy more than I do love you. You are my husband.

With a faint smile he kissed my nose and hugged my head against his chest. He held me close to himself for a long time, until I yawned.

\- Are you tired?

\- A bit.

\- Good, I got a mattress for me to sleep on. I put it in your room.

\- You did not want to come home?

\- I want to get done with my work soon. And well, we had that… dispute in the morning and I did not know what to do as I thought you did not want to see Erik today.

\- If I have to chose between you and Wolfy I chose you. – I admitted.

\- You chose… Erik? – He asked with trembling voice.

\- But of course. I love you way more than an animal.

\- Mother chosed Bisous… she did not want to chose Erik…

\- I chose you if I have to. I rather… well, my heart will ache but… Wolfy… well he has to go if you don't want him around, but I have a request… please let me search for an owner for him first… please I do not want to abandon him.

There was silence for a time and finally Erik stroke my face, smiling.

\- You do not have to choose. Only your confession you love Erik more is enough. Thank you, Juti, for your choice. For this, Erik is going to love Wolfy just as much, because he is not a rival any more… and he does not have to leave my house… our house, sorry… I share our house with him. Erik received more love and kindness from you, Juti, than from Mother.

He kissed my hand, and put it on his chest.

\- Can you feel this heart? – He continued with passion. – It beats only for you. You taught me to grow a heart, my love. I know how to love… I start to learn how to love selflessly… I think it contains to accept your love for others, let it be an animal, or a person, without jealousy… it is hard, but… as long as you are sure you chose me… I promise Erik won't be jealous. Ever.

\- You can be so romantic if you want to. – I smiled. – And I am sure I will always love you more. – I kissed his cheeks, and his forehead. – And we will never eat and sleep? – I giggled.

\- Oh… Erik is sorry, he forgot… I am curious… did you make dinner?

\- I did. I hope you will like it.

\- I am sure it is the most delicious meal I ever had.

We had dinner together, sitting on the floor, by the light of my lantern, simply out of the pot. It was like a dinner a newly wed couple would have, before they had enough money to buy furniture and dishes after starting a life together. When I remarked it, Erik laughed and smiled at me warmly.

After dinner, as I started to get real tired, I wished to go straight to bed. Erik really put a mattress in my new room, in the corner, and there was nothing more temporarily. It wasn't too big, it could support two people though.

\- Well, won't you come? – I asked, looking at Erik, who just leaned closer to me to kiss me good night and wanted to walk away.

\- I thought you did not like to sleep with me.

\- Why?

\- Because I snore and steal your blanket and… and because I kick you. Accidentally I swear.

\- I know it is an accident. And we have no blanket you could steal this time. And I love to sleep with you anyway.

\- Do… do you really?

\- Yes. And do you?

\- Yes I do. Just… one thing, but you can't help it.

\- What?

\- You keep coming closer and climbing on me always. And even the Louis Philippe bed is all yours and I sleep on a small edge.

\- I thought you liked to cuddle.

\- I do, mostly but… well, let's not… well… just don't lay on me all the time, I am not a pillow. You have a pillow. Apparently my side of the bed is also your side.

\- Okay I try to stay on my side.

\- I doubt you will succeed. – He chuckled. – I always have to put you back there as you sleep too deep to notice. But well, let this be my biggest problem.

He kicked off his shoes and lay down next to me, relaxed. With a small peck on the forehead, he turned off the lamp to be able to remove his clothing not necessarily needed for sleeping. I turned to face the wall not to bother him, but a few minutes later I was sleeping anyway as I was tired.

I woke up at something strange at night. Erik became quite restless, as he moved even more than he usually did, and coming to my senses fully, I heard some cusswords whispered in the air, and I felt the mattress shifting as he got up. I took a deep breath and yawned, sleepily blinking and trying to get what was going on.

\- What's wrong? – I asked, trying to locate my glasses. – Are you ill, Erik?

\- No. – He sounded rather harsh and nervous, as if he was caught doing something illegal. – Sleep.

He was silent, I think he was waiting for me to fall back asleep, but I got worried about his sudden mood swing and wanted to make sure he was all right, and his nervousness sure did not calm me. I think he sensed my anxiety as he knelt down next to me, and gently rubbed my back.

\- Nothing is wrong. Do not worry. It is still late, sleep dear.

I calmed down as he reassured me he was all right, so I just closed my eyes and gave myself to his soothing backrub, and eventually fell back asleep.

 ** _Erik's diary_**

 _10_ _th_ _April, '82_

 _Damn! Damn! Damn!_

 _Oh, God why? Why?_

 _I nearly sank in shame… oh that disgusting and miserable body of mine!_

 _Of course, I could have sworn it was going to happen, I could have known, God damn it! Why do I always have to ruin everything? Why is it so hard NOT to think of sexuality and why do I have to dream about it? And why did I not wake earlier?_

 _I dreamt we made love, passionately, the way I never was able to love a woman before. All I did before is to have sex with courtesans I paid for. They never knew who I was or why I wore a mask. I tied their hands mostly, so they can't remove the mask, or blindfolded them._

 _I have enough of sex like that!_

 _And I dreamed we did it without boundaries, I think I did not even wear a mask… it was passionate, refreshing and full of love. And it felt great… until I realized it was just a rather messy dream._

 _Of course, it was to be expected. I wished not to give much thought about this, and totally eliminate these urges in me for good, or at least for a long time. How strange it was much easier not to think of sex when I was alone and I did not wish to pleasure myself so often before I had Juti… The problem is I did not even wish to acknowledge my need to do it and wanted to remain abstinent and pure of that disgusting activity I loathed always. I am a grown man, damn it! I am over fifty, not a snotty teen who gets dreams like these and can't control himself, wetting the sheets! Or at least I thought so._

 _Yes, it happened way more in my youth, but I don't want it to happen, damn it! But it does happen if I am constantly stimulated by her presence so close to me and the fact I don't take care of my needs any other way, as I consider it… indecent. Of course, she does not have to know, but I am ashamed about it even in front of myself._

 _Thankfully she did not notice later. I'd have died of shame if she sees how disgusting I am. But one thing is sure: I knew it wasn't a good idea to sleep in the same bed with her. Knowing I am not allowed to do anything of that sort to her, it is only a way of torture and shame in this aspect. Yet since I sleep with her… I am so happy. So relaxed. So loved. But I am a filthy pig who can only think of having her sometimes._

 _It can't go on like this for a long time, I am not made of wood. I am a man, and I WANT her. I NEED her. The problem is, also, that I know she would not be against that activity. She is quite open about that subject and it can be a good sign as well, but how should I talk to her about this? But either this or I shall reason to her why we can't sleep together any more… before the wedding. Or… I don't know how long._

 _Which is worse to explain…? What to do?_


	44. Escaping the Winds of Inferno pt 1

**Author's note:** Some of the plot lines of this chapter was influenced by E.M.K.81's story, _Christmas Obstacles_. I have to admit it inspired me to write this about Erik. Hope you don't mind, and enjoy! **NSFW content slightly, yet again.**

Juti's POV

Erik acted so strange after we arrived back to the House by the lake, I did not know what has gotten into him all of a sudden. I knew I made him angry last night when I went to investigate his whereabouts all alone, and he was much worried about me, but he seemed to be in a better mood when we went to bed. When we got up though, he was yet again in a bad mood and it did not get better all day while working. When we arrived home in the late afternoon, he did not pay much attention to me any more, he was walking up and down in circles in the salon, and no matter what I asked, he only replied in one- word answers, and if I asked what was wrong, he did not want to reply at all. He pretended he heard nothing. I could see he was thinking about something, which looked to be bothering him a lot. I wished to make him think of something else, so I asked him if he wanted to play something for me on the violin. I loved his violin playing, and he loved to play for me as well, and I hoped music was going to make his mood turn to the better. To my surprise, he refused that as well. He was in a bad mood and did not even want to play music, which indicated it was indeed a huge problem with him.

\- Did I say something wrong? – I inquired.

\- No. – He sighed.

\- Did I do something wrong? – I went on.

\- No.

\- Are you angry I followed you?

\- No. – He snorted.

\- Then what is wrong? – I did not wish to leave it at that.

\- Nothing. – He barked. – Would you leave me to myself for a bit? – He added.

\- Erik, what is your problem?

\- Headache. Terrible. – He explained monotonously.

I knew he most likely had some other problems as well, but I really did not wish to annoy him. I knew already it was a wiser move not to bother him too much when he was like that, and it was really better to leave him to get in a better mood all alone and work his thoughts out in peace.

\- I hope you are not going to get ill. – I patted his shoulder then left to the kitchen to have dinner and feed Wolfy. Erik did not join us, but it was to be expected. I headed to my room after doing the dishes, to occupy myself until bedtime.

I was listening to music on my phone until the battery died. When my phone gave up working and the screen went black, it was already half past eleven. I knew I had to go to bed, but I wanted to plug in my phone for the night, or at least ask Erik to do it for me as the only power outlet in the house was in his room, for the organ's windbag. I did not really wish to bother him, but my phone was my nearly only way of having fun other than music or making art or playing with Wolfy, and it was the only way I still could feel the future with me, even without the internet.

As I cautiously walked in his room, I realized there was no need to be so careful: Erik wasn't there. I plugged in my phone and crawled out from the organ, and wished to walk out of the room, but in the dark I accidentally kicked the desk and a book fell on the ground.

I picked it up and wanted to relocate it, but maybe I could read before going to bed? To be honest, I felt uncomfortable always when I had to sleep all alone in that house. It was so deep down that no outside noises or natural light was coming inside, and late at night, alone I felt like I was in a tomb. How was Erik able to manage to live here alone for long years? Wasn't he afraid..? At least in his room, sitting at his desk I could somehow feel his presence. One of his jackets was hanging on the backrest of the chaitr, and even though it would be too tight to button up on me, I put it on my back. The jacket preserved his scent, and it was warm, so I calmed a bit.

I lit the lamp on Erik's desk and sat down again to read. The book was a Poe biography, so I just put it away, but suddenly I noticed an open small notebook with Erik's handwriting. I was always curious of his new ideas, maybe it was some series of notes he took about new compositions, or to list his ideas not to forget them. He already admitted me he was extremely forgetful and he needed to list his ideas not to forget them for good.

With a sudden interest I started reading.

It wasn't just a notebook he listed his ideas in. Yes, true, he used it to take notes and reminders to himself as well, but it was mainly a journal. He wrote everything that happened to him and his thoughts and feelings about those happenings. I did not think Erik writes a diary. I considered it way too feminine of an activity for a man, especially a man like him, but to think more of it, maybe this was the only way he was able to word and rethink his thoughts. It wasn't the thing which made me the most shocked though, the fact he wrote a journal at all, but rather the contents.

My heart broke when I read the entries in which he called himself a monster because of his sexual desires, and reading the last entry from the night before, I already knew his desperate behavior was a result of his wet dream and his disgust for himself because of it.

We needed to talk, I knew. A serious talk we needed, indeed. It wasn't such a problem as he thought. And why didn't he tell me? I knew he won't be pleased by the fact I read his journal, but I also knew this could not go on like this any more. We need to find a solution to stop his self loathing about such a natural desire and act.

Searching for him in the house did not result in finding him. He was gone. For night, yet again. I knew I had to find him, especially because his desperate state of mind. Looking at the clock, it was already half past one in the morning and he did not come home yet. I just hoped he did not go to the Seine in his self loathing! I had to find out where he was, and save our relationship, and possibily, his life.

I knew it was not the smartest thing for a woman to go alone, especially at night, and I was a bit of afraid to go alone, to be honest. I would need a man with me, but I don't have Erik to accompany me to find Erik... And finally it came to my mind…

Well, I know it was not a polite thing to bother someone in his home at nearly two in the morning, but it was, in my opinion, an emergency, so I rang the doorbell. I could hardly breathe as I was running from the fifth cellar to the Rue de Rivoli, this is why it only took such a short time to get there. I desperately practiced what I was going to say when they open the door, I was whispering it in front of myself, closing my eyes. The door opened, and Darius stood there in a bathrobe and slippers.

\- What can I do for you? – He sounded a bit of sleepy and irritated.

\- I wish to talk to your master, please. – I did not recognize my own voice. Seemingly the manservant wished to send me away at first, but noticing my fright and breathlessness, he led me inside and asked me to sit down in the hall while he wakes the Daroga up and finds out if he wishes to accept my rather too early visit.

I was cracking my fingers nervously, hoping Erik did not end his life in these moments somewhere, for a few minutes. I have to admit the poor Persian was done with dressing up quickly contrary to the early hour, as he appeared in front of me, wearing his clothing ready to go outside if needed.

I have to thank him as he said yes to the first ask, even though he had his opinion about Erik's behavior. Well, he did not know the reason. I did not wish to shame Erik in front of him, but he seemed to guess it anyway. Being a policeman, he had much more brain and was less likely to panic than me, so I just followed him around, searching for Erik in all Paris.

As time passed, I started to lose hope we ever find him. The Daroga wasn't so hopeless. He kept reassuring me Erik was still alive, he was sure. He just liked drama and fuss going around with him, but he will reappear every time in the end. At first we tried to look him up at our new address, but the house was empty. Later we went to search for him in taverns, as the Daroga knew if he was nervous, Erik liked to have a few extra glasses to calm his nerves, which was the place he was heading to at first. I was always standing on the street in front of the door with Darius as my bodyguard, as the Daroga did not wish me to enter any of those catering units, as there were a lot of fights going on inside, and I might hear words not suitable for a young woman's ears. I was sure I had heard more serious cusswords as well, but I had to accept the fact I was treated as a lady by the people of this century, so I rather obeyed and only hoped for the best. Anyway, a drunken Erik maybe was better to be with only the Daroga for a few minutes if he was going to find him. It was already half past six when the Daroga received the first hint of news about a man meeting the description he had given of Erik in his everyday mask and wig, not being served any more at that place two hours ago as he was already drunk. Of course, it did not meet his taste and he was touchy and aggressive towards the staff.

\- It sounds like him, and I bet he continued this behavior, just as always. – The Daroga sighed.

\- And if it is so, where is he? – I swallowed and took the Persian's hand for support.

He looked at me with compassion, and put his other hand on my shoulder to calm me a bit.

\- As we know he is not thirsty anymore, he is either at someplace on the streets, laying drunkenly on the ground or a bench until policemen arrest him for public drunkenness, or he is already arrested.

\- In jail? – I gasped.

\- Yes. – The Daroga nodded. – Drunkards, especially if they cause some trouble, are caught and taken to jail to sober up for a few hours, and to find out if they are not vagabonds.

\- And… what if he isn't caught, but went to commit suicide…?

\- What for? Not being served with absinthe? – The Persian waved in the air dismissively. – He is just throwing a tantrum, as usual.

\- Daroga… would you do something for me…? I have an idea. – I leaned closer to the Persian's ears and whispered my inquiry in his ear, as I knew it wasn't polite to ask something of that sort so openly.

\- I don't go to those places usually… but… to calm you, I shall check that possibility.

\- Do you know he went there…?

\- Sometimes when I was investigating the case of the Phantom of the Opera and I followed Erik around, I noticed sometimes he went there, yes. Not too often, but he did visit women… - He sighed and shook his head.

\- Would you ask if he was, or… is there?

\- I doubt he is, any more, being so drunk, what would he do to them? – Darius interfered, but the Daroga silenced him with an abrupt hand gesture.

\- Have you lost your manners? Not in front of her! – The Persian snorted angrily at his servant, who apologized right away. – I have anther idea. Darius, until I am back, as I don't wish to take you there, Mademoiselle, please take her to Erik's doctor, and see if he wanted, or wants medical assistance. He is likely to fall when he is drunk, or maybe he had gotten into a fight and injured somehow.

I closed my eyes and swallowed uncomfortably, hearing those possibilities. I wasn't aable to decide which the worse option was, if he was injured or if he was in jail. I was also nervous about the news the Daroga he was to be receiving from the Boulogne, or wherever he went to get a girl for himself, if he did. To be honest this would be the possibility which hurt me the most, if he cheated on me when we were about to get married. Darius, seeing my state of mind, softly said:

\- That man was always so strange, so much unpredictable. I doubt he is capable of leading a life like a normal person. I know you wish to help him, but there are people who can't be helped.

I did not reply. In one way, he was right. But I still hoped and thought Erik will change for me. It will just take some time.

Doctor Bonsanté started his consultation hours at 7 o clock, and there was no one in his waiting room yet, when we arrived. He gave us the answer he hadn't seen Erik, nor at night nor up until this hour today, and he reassured me he is most likely not injured, as he would not be bothered about the limits of the consultation hours, and would most likely come in the middle of the night as well, if he needed treatment.

Half calmed, half still anxiously, we were waiting for the Daroga to reappear. He did, seemingly after a long time.

\- Erik was there. – He stated simply.

\- So…? – I looked up at him, half hopelessly. – And is he still?

\- No. He left. – He shook his head. – Do you want to hear what I found out?

\- Tell me. – I asked.

\- He went there last evening, around ten o clock. He asked for a girl and they went to an apartment with a girl named "Éloise". I talked to that girl. She informed me the man was in a scary state of mind, he looked rather desperate and angry at first, but after he tried to relax. He was talking to her in an unknown language, and constantly called her on a foreign name she had trouble recognizing, but in the end she told me it was Juti.

\- And did they…? – I asked brokenly. I bet he tried to imagine he did it to me, and talked to the whore in Hungarian.

\- No. – The Daroga said.

\- No? – I looked up at him in surprise.

\- No. Éloise stated the man jumped up when she removed her blouse, slapped himself for a few times and yelled some incoherent cusswords, then hurried out of the apartment as fast as he could. He left his hat there. – The Daroga showed me a hat I really recodnized as Erik's.

\- He did not do it. – I smiled suddenly. – He is faithful… he did not… - I cried, and hugged the Daroga in relief.

\- Oh well. – The Persian patted my shoulder comfortingly. – Let's search him, I think it is already in a jail he should be.

We went to ask about him in different guard houses, but to our surprise, no one saw him and no policemen took such a man we described. Nor his looks, nor the name was familiar to them. Yet, at the last one we tried, close to noon, as the Daroga pointed at me that I was searching for my fiancé they most likely arrested in the dawn, the guard laughed out.

\- I doubt that creature has a fiancée. – He snorted in amusement. – It won't be him.

\- Creature? – I gasped. – What does he look like?

\- Like a dead body. – Another guard added. – Bald, thin, ugly yellow skin and eyes, and he doesn't have a nose. I have never seen such a man before.

\- The mask fell. – The Daroga sighed.

\- Where is he? – I asked in excitement.

\- We had to lock him up as he attacked a patrolman when he wished to ask him why was he making noise and did not let people sleep by yelling obscene little songs.

\- When was this? – The Daroga inquired.

\- At five o clock we were alerted by an inhabitant of the houses nearby. They said he was doing it for at least half an hour at that time. We wished to ask his name and address, but he wasn't capable of talking properly and he did not have any documents with him.

\- Will you release him if I identify him? – I asked.

\- I think he is not in a usable condition yet. – The Daroga corrected. – We at least know where he is. It is better for him if he stays here and calms down, at least he can't escape from here. It will be a lesson for him at least. We are going to come back when he will be released, I believe, in the evening. Until that, you, dear Mademoiselle, come with me and eat something finally.

I knew there was no use to argue with the Daroga. I was thankful as he distracted me from my thoughts about Erik and he took me to eat at a restaurant. I did not even feel I was hungry, being so nervous. The afternoon passed surprisingly quickly with the Daroga and Darius. I have to admit they treated me kindly, and did not remark Erik's actions. They knew how I felt for Erik and did not judge either me or him.

It was good the Daroga offered to accompany me again to see if Erik was going to be released in the evening. That place was so frightening at the lack of light any more and I have to admit I would not have dared to go there alone. We were let inside to identify him, and he was going to be released with us, as they said. He still wasn't too cooperative and was in a bad mood.

\- I go forward to see what he is doing. Please wait until I call for you. – The Daroga sighed.

I stood at the end of the Hall, and a bar separated me from the outside world now. Erik was locked up in a cell at the end of the hallway, and the guard led the Persian there.

\- Here is your dinner. – The guard tossed a bowl inside.

\- I don't want it. – I heard his so dear and familiar voice, sounding so irritated, yet I wished to run to him and jump in his neck if I could. – What is it, pigwash?

\- It is! – The guard retorted. – For drunken pigs like you!

I snorted, I could not help, but nearly laughed out.

\- You have some visitors. – The guard informed coldly. – If you are finally behaving, you will be let out to go home and your wife will finally keep you in hands, hopefully.

\- Wife? – Erik gasped. – Where is she?

\- I have her with me, Erik. – The Daroga called out. – Will you finally stop acting up so you can see her again?

\- Daroga… she must hate me now… does she know…? – He sounded so broken I felt sorry for him and I walked closer, yet I stayed behind the two men's back and stayed silent.

The Daroga appeared in fron of the doow, where the small window was opened. Erik's bony hand instantly grabbed the bar.

\- Hello, Erik. – The Daroga said irritatedly. – Will you finally behave? What has gotten into you? The poor girl ran to me desperately to seach for you as you disappeared in a terrible mood. She was worried about you. And we were searching for you all day, and be calm we found out about your actions!

\- Oh Daroga… does she hate me…? I did not do it… I swear to God I am faithful to her…

\- Erik! – I called out. – We need to talk. But I do not hate you.

Hearing my voice, he reached out with his bony right hand as if he wanted to search for me and touch me.

\- I am sorry you had to go through this. – He said softly. – I am going to be good… I promise… forgive me.

The Daroga led me closer to the door, but protectively held me away from him. I could manage not to smile at Erik, especially after I saw how neglected he looked. His clothing was messy and dirty, his hair was messy and something happened to his left hand as he was just hanging lifelessly by his side.

\- What has happened to your arm? – I asked, could not help being worried about him.

\- I can't remember. – He sighed. – God's punishment.

He was silent. Too much silent from that point. As he was let out, he silently followed us outside, as he was finally released. He had trouble signing some papers he was given in the end, as he was seemingly unable to move his left without noticeable amount of pain, and it was rather limitedly movable anyway.

\- We go to the doctor. – I stated as we walked outside.

\- Do not bother with me. – Erik refused. – I deserve it.

\- It might be broken. – I pushed on.

\- Let it be. – He shrugged. – God's punishment. This is what souls get for being stuck in the Winds.

\- Winds? What are you talking about?

\- Inferno.

\- Talk clearly.

\- Read more. – He snapped.

I decided not to get offended about his remark but I did not wish to leave the doctor's visit at that. The Daroga, Darius and me had to reason why we wanted him to visit a doctor with his hand until he finally passively agreed. Doctor Bonsanté diagnosed he really had a broken left arm. He could not remember when and how did it break, but he did not give much thought about it. He accepted his injury as a punishment for his sins he committed and he wished to commit, and he did not care if he received treatment or not. He accepted medical treatment passively, nearly against his own will. He silently walked next to me back to the Opera and got in the boat without a single word. I had to row, as he could not now. I was thankful he taught me earlier.

\- Erik, if you are ashamed… - I started my speech while rowing. – Yes, you were acting strange, but… I do not hate you for it. I still love you… we need to talk… I know why you did it. I have to admit something. I read your journal.

Erik's apathy suddenly changed at this confession. His pupils suddenly dilated to twice of the size and he sent me a glance full of shame and anger.

\- WHAT?


	45. Escaping the Winds of Inferno pt 2

\- WHAT? – He repeated, yelling at me in a volume twice as loud as before.

\- Be silent, sweetie, I am not Beethoven. – I put my right hand on my ear to show he was a bit of too loud for my taste.

\- And definitely not an Immortal Beloved. – He hissed. – You are QUITE mortal, beloved.

\- Erik. – I warned him. – Do not lose your mind again.

\- You did what? Repeat!

\- I read your journal. – Thankfully we just reached the other bank and I hurriedly jumped out of the boat, so I wasn't afraid anymore that he was going to throw me into the water in his sudden rage. Anyway silence came, I believe he was trying to digest what he heard. His apathy disappeard, he npow looked to be much upset. Well… at least some emotions finally, if not the best ones anyway. For a long time, he was just pacing around, trying to guess if he should plea or attack. Knowing him already, I was sure he will choose the latter, not to seem like defenseless in front of me. I did not have to be disappointed, as he turned back to me with annoyance.

\- What were you doing in my room? – He pointed at me accusingly.

\- I thought I was allowed to enter. – I retorted.

\- You were, but not to read my journal. How did you know I write one, to begin with?

\- I did not. I accidentally found it. I went to plug my phone in your room. That's why I am waiting for you finish the house as I will have power in my room…

\- Wait wait wait…. – He stuttered. – Accidentally. ACCIDENTALLY, I… I re-re-repeat ac-ci-den-tal-ly you found Erik's journal, you say? Eh? Let's see! – He jumped into his room, and gestured to me to follow him. When I entered, he was searching for some moments in his pocket with the only hand he was able to move, and finally he grabbed a folded ruler.

\- What the Hell do you want with a zollstock? – I gasped in surprise. He was measuring something.

\- One… two… three… four… and a half… meters!

\- Four and a half meters of what?

\- It is, my love, the exact distance between the organ and the desk! At the VERY OTHER DIRECTION! How, I pray, could you accidentally find my journal, which was placed on my desk, from the organ where you plugged in your phone? Huh? Do you have four meters long neck, or did the journal accidentally fly there and asked you to read it? You lady giraffe!

I could not help but burst out in a laughter at that. Not enough Erik measures the distance with a ruler, but his reasoning and him calling me a giraffe made me laugh out loud and go on the floor, whining with laughter. Erik's mini monologues always entertained me in a way, I just had to take care not to laugh in his face while he was scolding me, but this time I was unable to restrain myself.

\- Do you perhaps, find it funny, my dear? – Erik snapped, and looked into my eyes with a hint of annoyance, but seeing I did not stop laughing, as I simply could not, he left me there in his room, and muttered about my "insufferable childishness" and "inability to talk seriously if my life depended on it".

I followed him after I was finally able to stop laughing and found him sitting at the piano, absently staring in front of himself, trying his best not to cry.

\- Does it hurt? – I inquired.

\- What? Your betrayal? – He barked.

\- No. Your arm.

\- No. – He shook his head firmly.

\- I've never had a broken bone. – I admitted, trying to talk. – I don't know what that is like.

\- I've survived worse. – He replied shortly. – For example that my lover reads my thoughts I never intended to share with her. – He added accusingly after a few moments of awkward silence.

\- Erik, you… so we… should have discussed this anyway at a point. I am sorry I read it, but I love the way you talk and word things.

\- So you humiliate me even further after a day like this.

\- Which you caused for yourself. – I pointed out. – If you admit your thoughts to me you did not have to drink so much and get into this situation. Erik, it wasn't easy for me either. You disappeared, I was worried about you, especially after I saw what thoughts were in your head just before leaving. Erik, you have to understand… it is not a good thing if I don't know about what's on your mind…

\- But you shall not know what's on Erik's mind, indeed! Can't you see I did not tell it to you because it is shameful even for myself?

\- Erik, it is only natural you think this way. There is nothing shameful about it.

\- Of course. No one talks about such things.

\- Why? Do you listen to each of the French couples before bedtime?

\- Do not be vulgar!

\- Do not be prude.

Sience. I guess he wasn't able to retort to this right away.

\- I am sorry. – I finally apologized.

\- You…? You are sorry? You? – He was crying now, he finally could not help himself.

\- Yes…

\- What for, I pray? For having to find me in a cell, maskless? – He buried his face in his right hand. – With a hangover… after I nearly committed a sin against you…? A terrible one? Can't you see what I planned?

\- Oh… yes, it is true, because if you told me about it, I could have told you there was no need to go to such girls. Why don't you ask, I pray, I am right here. Well, about this situation, the humiliating part happened to you, not me.

\- Weren't you ashamed of… being linked with such a monster? They saw my face… and you said you were my fiancée…

\- Why, am I not?

\- You are, but… but they saw how disgusting I am… they made remarks about my face all day long and seeing disgust in their looks… they did not know how you can love ME…

\- It doesn't bother me, everyone thinks whatever they want. They may kiss my ass.

\- Juti… - He warned me, lifting his head up.

\- I don't care. They may. And do not give a damn about their opinion. Most likely we will never see them again. Unless you want to repeat this, of course, but it is hardly the case.

\- Juti, for Heaven's sake, stop talking nonsense!

\- I know that I love you and I would not mind walking by your side on the street at broad daylight, while you weren't wearing any masks, because I am not ashamed of what you look like. It only hurts my feelings I was nearly replaced by a whore in your bed.

\- Stop!

\- I want you to feel more comfortable about talking about such things. Erik, sweetie, we need to find a way to overcome your shyness or prudery or I don't know what, in this matter. It is not a solution you go crazy with lust from time to time, then you go and drink, and after you either hit me or get arrested. Honey if we get married… we can't live like this.

\- I know. I don't even wish to spend my life like this.

\- And so? What shall we do?

\- Do you still wish to marry me at all?

\- My feelings did not change Erik. You know… when I heard your voice coming from the cell… do you know what did I want to do to you?

\- What?

\- Guess.

\- Hit me?

\- No.

\- Kick me?

\- No way.

\- Then… ummm…. I don't know.

\- I wanted to leap into your arms if it was possible. Feeling relieved we finally found you.

\- You can't be serious. – He gasped.

\- I am.

\- You wanted to hug me even if I stink of… alcohol and… look like this?

\- Yes, just don't cheat on me. I will hug you no matter what until you do.

\- Erik did not do it…

\- I know. It is your luck, but listen up, Ricky, if I find out you wish to cheat on me with a courtesan, I make sure you go into soprano section without the need of falsetto.

\- Wow. – He moaned. – Yet another hint. Would you mind stopping them finally? And do not call me Ricky.

\- Why?

\- I hate that name, it sounds like a Daschhund.

\- Sorry, I wanted to call you by a nickname.

\- Nicknames are just to shorten your name. – He shrugged. – Is Erik not short enough?

\- People also use nicknames to express love. – I pointed out. – Do you still not want me to call you Ricky out of love?

\- Not really. If you want to call me something out of love, then find a name that isn't made up using my given name. It sounds ridiculous to be called "Ricky" when I look like a skeleton and I act like a madman.

\- And what do you wish to be called then?

\- I am not sure how people call each other in this scenario.

\- They sometimes find cute animal names that fits the other. For example if someone is big and cuddly they call them a bear.

\- Then call me an owl.

\- Isn't it a bit of degrading?

\- Owls are great. They are rather clever and good hunters. Mother called me an owl spawn as an endearment actually. You may call me an owl. I used to have one anyway.

\- A pet?

\- Yes, for a limited time, I nursed it back to health.

\- Well, my little owl, you may call me giraffe. – I smiled at him. His pupils dilated thrice the size, then finally he started laughing. For the first time since he lost his mind with lust, he started enjoying himself near me. I laughed as well and cuddled up to him on the piano bench, and thankfully he accepted my hug.

After we laughed, and I hugged his neck, whimpering "lady giraffe oh my God…" for a few times in a row and Erik just patted my back with his free right hand, finally we settled down. Erik was no longer angry.

\- Do you happen to like giraffes, by the way? – He asked, trying to stop laughing.

\- Yes, a lot. – I nodded.

\- Well… - He cleared his throat. – As I am unable to work on the house now, successfully breaking my left, what would you say if I took you out to the zoo tomorrow and you could look at them?

\- I would love that. – I nodded. – So you are not angry with me any more?

\- Can someone stay angry with you for a long time? – He sighed, patting my back. – But you have forgiven Erik too easily, my love.

\- It is my flaw, I forgive too easily.

\- Still, I would need some punishment.

\- You said your hand was one. It is enough. And the fact you lost your mask. And I meant what I said, about the soprano section. I do not do it now, but next time I am going to, so you will calm down.

\- There will be no next time. – He shook his head desperately. – One day was enough for Erik, it terribly so, was enough. I am not sure what to do about my…. desires, but… I am going to find a way not to get in the mood.

\- What if we rather work out another solution so you don't have to suffer? It is not healthy to ignore your lust like this, it only gets too much and you explode with it.

\- True, but other than… than… having you… I can't think of anything else.

\- And why is it bad?

\- You ask? It is bad because it is a sin! We are not married yet and… and… and…

\- And? So what?

\- One should only do it after the wedding and only to have children, but Erik does not want children.

\- Oh God, don't be so last century. People have sex for pleasure. Kids are only accidents 90% of the time.

\- Maybe. But still it is a sin.

\- Doing it to prostitutes without being married isn't a sin, obviously.

\- It is, indeed. But I am not worried about my own morals, and salvation, but yours.

\- Mine? I must laugh. I don't count. I don't have salvation, or a chance for it, clearly, I am not even received baptismal, as you know. How on Erth someone like me can have anything to do with Heaven, anyway?

\- It is never too late to receive it, if it worries you, though sin is still a sin.

\- Yes, and isn't it just you go and confess it and it is forgiven?

\- Not really.

\- Though I think it is not God who thinks it as a sin, but church. That's not the same thing.

\- Indeed.

\- Do you honestly think God would say it is a sin to show someone you love them?

\- I am not sure. Rather I'd not risk.

\- Maybe only priests say it is a sin because they want others to suffer. If they can't have sex no one should.

\- Oh come on…

\- And anyway if they declared breathing or going to the bathroom will be a sin from tomorrow, people will stop doing these as well?

\- Naturally not, as you can't control these needs forever and it is not your choice to breathe or not. Do not play the silly one, please, I am not in the mood for this.

\- It is just as hard to control, and just as natural as the former activities.

\- Yes, indeed.

\- Erik, did you say it is a sin only before marriage?

\- Yes. – He sighed a bit irritatedly.

\- Okay! Then were Adam and Eve legally married in front of a priest?

\- Oh stop this nonsense…

\- Matter of factly, answer, were they?

\- No!

\- See? And how did they do Cain?

\- Would you explain where should have they got a priest from being the first couple ever?

\- Yes and after they had two sons. We would have gone extinct if magically some chicks don't appear out of nowhere.

\- For Heaven's sake would you shut your cute little mouth and stop nagging me, I am tired as Hell and my arm is in pain.

\- All right, but remember: I shall do this match with God for myself, you don't have to protect me. It is my decision and my own life. Do not try to blame it on me. You are afraid to take me, this is just that.

I knew some about reversed psychology and manipulation as well. If Erik does not want to open up the normal way, let's just poke his weak spot- manly pride.

\- What did you say, my dear? – He lifted his hand to his ear.

\- Do not play deaf, owl baby, I have told you. You are afraid to take me. You are afraid of rejection and the fact you may not be Don Juan Triumphant in bed.

His eyes grew wide of sheer dismay and maybe anger, and slowly he rose from the seat. I did not get up and take a step back, as I was sure he was just trying to scare me. He leaned close to my face and softly said:

\- Dare you repeat that?

\- We won't work out a solution if I have to repeat a sentence three times for you. I said as I said.

Erik rolled his eyes for some seconds, then he sat back next to me with a broken sigh.

\- You are right. And also he is afraid you are repulsed… by him…

\- Did I not prove you many times I wasn't?

\- Giving me hugs and kisses is a thing, while I am clothed. Touching my cold bare skin and… having me so close… is another.

\- I am sure I would not mind. As I love you.

\- You are still a virgin. – He pointed out. – Someone like me just should not touch such an innocent little flower.

\- Our conversation gave away that I was everything but innocent. True, I haven't slept with a man before, but I know whatever needs to be known about the subject, and the fact I am still a virgin is just because I was geographically too far away from my significant other. If Jeff lived next door I'd have lost it years ago.

\- It does not change the fact you are. And you should just take care of it for some more time, it is a treasure.

\- I am 29, how much time should I take care of it? By your society standards I shuld be married for nearly 8 years, and have some children already. Do you not call these kinds of women "old maid"?

\- Partly, but you have a fiancé.

\- Who doesn't want me.

\- Did it go through as that?

\- Kind of.

\- You have… you have a poor case of understanding then.

\- Finding excuses not to have sex with me and chosing whores instead is quite indicating you don't want me.

\- Oh for the love of…! Do you really want that? Eh? Do you want me to take you to bed and make love to you? Eh? Do you? Such a great pleasure that shall be, if I… meh…

\- Yes. – I said with determination. – I want you. You want me. What is the problem?

\- Nothing! – He snapped. – God, you… you force me to lose my mind yet again…

\- Erik if you are afraid it is not a bad thing. I just wish to ask you not to be so upset about it, as it poisons our relationship. I just hope we will get arried soon so this chapter closes.

I sighed as I found out there was no use of talking to Erik about sex, as he clearly doesn't want it. Aybe he only thinks he wants me? Maybe he doesn't think me beautiful enough? Before I start to cry, I had to leave the room, so I just whispered:

\- Good night. I go to bed and stop nagging you.

I turned away from him and stood up from the piano and walked to my room. I sat down on the side of my bed to undress and walk to the bathroom for a quick bath, and my mind was racing while that. I am sure this will never end. Erik chose the wrong person. I can never make him feel better and we will never be a true couple, because I am just not the right match for him. He will lead a close to normal life by my side, and we will get married but he won't need me in bed anyway. It wasn't the lack of sex which bothered me, of course. But the fact he was so desperate about something he could not do about, and I wasn't able to make him feel any better about it. I was sure I was going to spend the nights alone, yet again, as Erik won't want to get in a tempting situation and torture himself. And he will suffer alone as well.

Though, when I stepped inside my room after a long but refreshing bath filled with musings and depressive thoughts, I was shocked to see Erik sitting on the side of the Louis- Philippe bed, at his side. He was ready for bedtime, in sleepwear. I think I must have made a face which indicated I did not know what was going on, as Erik looked up at me asking:

\- What is this surprise, Giraffe? Aren't you happy for your little husband?

\- I thought… I thought you… won't sleep with me.

\- Why would I not?

\- Umm… were you missing in the past three hours, or what? Or your memory starts to lag?

\- I am not that old yet, I hope so. – He chuckled. – No, the thing is I found out a solution that makes, I think, both of us delighted and yet I don't have to be Don Juan Triumphant right away. It is easier to meet a woman's expectations if we don't promise anything serious to happen. Yet… I did not find any mentions about… trying to love on each other… if you get my meaning.

\- Oh! Cuddling!

\- Cuddling more intensely, to clearify.

\- Good idea. At least we can find out what the other likes or does not like.

\- Exactly. And… get more comfortable about… being close to each other.

\- Sounds great. – I sat next to him and crawled close. – So… we start now or tomorrow?

\- What you can do today do not delay it for tomorrow. – He leaned closer and kissed my neck. I giggled about it, so he hugged me tight.

Nothing serious happened yet, but we started working on a solution to get out of the Winds of Inferno, the punishment of endless lust in Dante's work. We started to dare to touch each other the way we did not use to before, yet it did not include anything too much sexual. We asked each other to tell if something we do is unpleasant to them, and we did not remove any piece of clothing yet at that night. Slow we go. It was much better feeling to cuddle up against Erik and we did not have to be afraid of accidentally getting Erik into the mood which results in a day as the one we had to survive earlier. I know it wasn't going to get solved magically, but the fact Erik was willing to relax and not drown out all of his desires, is a good enough start on the path. Maybe our marriage will be a happy and normal one in each of aspects…?


	46. One Soul- One Body

**Author's note:** Yes, this chapter is clearly based one one of my shorter stories called "His other half" and its title may be a bit of misleading – intentionally. J Hope you enjoy!

When I woke up, Erik was still beside me, relaxing. Its was so good to see he did not flee out of bed after he woke up, but stayed by my side to be with me. He really wanted to wake up by my side and he wasn't afraid we would do something improper. We did not, anyway. I reached out towards him to pet his face and only that was when he showed some life signs as he crawled closer and laid his head on my neck without a word, and kissed it,

\- You know I am ticklish. – I giggled.

He did not reply, just gave me a quick and soft lick on my neck just like a dog, which made me laugh out. He lifted his head and turned on his back again, seemingly he did not want to leave or hurry anywhere.

\- What's the time? – I inquired.

He nearly forgot about his broken arm and wanted to reach out to grab his watch on the top of the dresser with the wrong hand and when he realized it, he moaned in frustration and sat up to check the clock in the corner.

\- Ten past seven. – He stated.

\- Good morning dear. – I kissed his forehead which made him smile again.

\- To you as well, my little one.

\- Did you sleep well? – I asked, worrying about his arm and his anxiety.

\- Surprisingly well. – He nodded. – Thank you.

\- Is your arm in pain?

\- Not really. Could be worse.

He sat up and put on his slippers to leave the room to dress up. I wondered for a time how could he manage to dress up all alone using only one hand, so I called out.

\- Do you need any help?

\- With what?

\- Dressing.

\- I am not a toddler any more, no thanks.

\- No but your arm is broken and…

\- And it is not the first time, believe me. I have had a broken arm before and I was, and totally am able to put on my clothes. I can tie my cravat and shoes too.

\- By only one hand?

\- Sure. – He nodded gracefully. – You don't have to take care of me in any way, I am fine.

He disappeared for a time and when he showed up next to me again I had to face he was absolutely right: all his clothes were absolutely elegantly put on him, and his tie and shoes were perfectly tied. Erik was able to do everything he wanted to, save for two things: music and working on the house. Or so we thought.

Contrary to his promise he did not take me to the zoo that day. He did not have any disguises, he forgot about it earlier. His masks were burned already, and he did not even wish to wear one anymore, being constantly reminded of his past. His fake nose and mustache were also destroyed by me earlier and as he later admitted, it was extremely uncomfortable to wear after a time, and he successfully lost his newest human mask at that night. He did not have a replacement, only a half made prototype, and he needed to finish it to be able to wear it in public. As he showed it to me, I was surprised to see what a great artist Erik was. He was able to paint a seemingly rubber mask to be totally lifelike. The shading was so realistic on his old mas that it looked to be human skin.

\- Now I am relieved. – I chuckled teasingly. – I started to fear your mask was really made of human skin, just as in a movie about you.

\- It seems "phans" can think of worse things than I do. – He snorted. – I never thought of such a solution. Yet I have to admit I considered the idea of a nose replacemet surgery for myself, using one of the bodies nose… well, he did not need it any longer.

\- And why did you not do it?

\- Because I had no one to perform it on me. And anyway I doubt it would have worked out. Eventually it would have been decayed off and I'd have needed to change it from time to time. – He sighed.

Some days passed without any mentionable happenings, Erik was trying to work on the new mask, and I was totally unneeded, as we did not work on the house. Erik was a bit of annoyed by that fact, and his clumsiness he was so talented in breaking his arm and losing his mask at the same time, and that the wedding had to be delayed yet again. He stated he did not wish to come back in this house yet again after the wedding and there were things he still needed to complete on the new house, and his hand wasn't going to be strong enough to work for weeks to come.

\- It will be autumn by the time we can finally arrange the wedding. – He sighed.

\- Erik, sorry about the suggestion, but why don't we hire someone to finish the house?

\- Because I think we would kill each other with the man in 2 days.

\- Why?

\- Because if he starts working and I start guiding him and tell him orders he will get annoyed and we will fight constantly. I have exact plans of how to do it, and you know me. Only the way I imagine it to be done, it is good. No way else. Besides, for the works there we would need at least two more people. I have no urge to pay for two dilettants if I can fix it alone a few weeks later when my hand will be all right.

\- Oh so it is rather your pride.

\- I admit. – He nodded. – I have done everything on this rathole, from walling to plumbing and the last piece of nail in here, it is all Erik's hard work. I can do everything, and will do everything myself. And I do not need help.

I saw there was no need to convince him to hire masters for the new house. He wanted to do everything himself, which was understandable, and well, I won't die of a few months waiting to be Erik's wife. He was willing to marry me anyway, where to hurry? Love remains love if it is true love.

However, one night everything changed.

Erik was sitting in front of the piano, blankly staring into the air. I knew he was frustrated and upset about the lack of music he could play. As his arm was injured he wasn't able to play the violin or the piano, or anything else. As he broke his left, he was even unable to write down his compositions. His writing by right was even more unreadable than the writing by his left. He was there, not being able to do what he enjoyed the most: music. This was the worst part. His inability to work was bad enough in itself, as Erik was simply a work a holic. He always needed an activity to occupy his mind, and he loathed idleness more than anything. He was fidgety anyway and his mind wandered away many times to work on some ideas. I think, keeping himself occupied was a good way for him to flee from his past and negative thoughts. And now he was left here, with tons of free time and inability to work and play.

He tried to read, of course, and read out loud to entertain me, but both of us knew he couldn't spend all day by just reading. Everything he wished to do would have required him to have his left. He wanted to draw my portrait and attempted to do so by right, but he was way better at drawing by his dominant hand, so the portrait did not turn out well enough to please him. I kept telling him it was great but he just shook his head and waved in the air.

\- Everything I do is great to you. Even if it looks crap.

I had to admit he was right in a way.

Going out with him was also impossible because of the lack of his masks, so we were stuck in the House by the Lake without any activity he could do. I knew it will result in depression if I don't succeed in dragging him out of it somehow.

\- Erik, don't we visit Cesar? – I offered, hoping, at least a walk in the cellars and meeting horses would cheer him up. He liked horses a lot, and I think he could talk to Cesar and maybe he could teach me how to care for a horse. I loved them as well and would give him sugar cubes or apples when we visited him.

He agreed, and it worked for that night, but Cesar was performing a lot, or was taken to practice, along with the other horses, so it could not work for each night, but at least it was good to see Erik and Cesar loving on each other. Erik's bony hand stroke the animal's nose and neck endlessl and he was talking to him about various subjects.

I saw another horse at the next stable, it was black and had nice brown eyes, and was noticeably bigger than the other horses.

\- God, are you a Mammut, or what? – I asked unintentionally, looking at it. – I bet you are a guy. You had grown a lot, my friend.

I curiously walked closer to it, and reached out my hand towards him so he will be able to sniff me. Cesar liked to sniff on my hand, yet I think he was sometimes searching for snacks. The hose looked at me on a strange way and took a step back, turning his ears backwards. He gave out a strange snort.

\- What's wrong, guy? Don't you want me to pet you?

\- What are you doing? – Erik turned his head to the side to see me better.

\- Just talking to the Mammut horse.

\- Come here this instant! – He ordered. – He will bite in seconds.

\- No way. – I retorted. – A trained opera horse does not bite, how should that be possible?

\- I know horses better than you do. – He stated ominously. – He is scared. Look at his face.

I found it a wiser idea to obey Erik and just as I turned away to leave the horse, he stomped his leg against the fence separating me from him. I jumped a few feet forward in fright and hugged Erik to seek for protection. I looked back at the horse who seemingly settled and stopped acting up as soon as I ran away from him. I stuck my tongue out at his direction and said:

\- Your mom.

\- He was only scared of a newcomer. – Erik explained. – He did not do it out of hostility. Not all horses are like Cesar. You have to be careful when approaching one you haven't seen before. Some of them accept only one or two people. Their trainers or owners, and no one else.

\- This sounds like you a bit.

\- I have already told you I resemble them in a way. Maybe that's why we like each other.

\- Mammut likes you?

\- He does. – Erik chuckled. – Though his name is Cadmus.

\- What kind of name is that?

\- It is a name of a king in one of Handel's operas. – He shrugged. – I don't think it fits him either.

\- Maybe this is why he is so upset. – I said. – If I had such a stupid name I'd want to kick everyone as well.

\- Oh do not be silly, yet again. – Erik laughed and hugged me closer.

Visiting the horses, of course as I knew, wasn't a solution that worked for a long time. Even though Erik taught me to brush Cesar and finally, with Erik's guidance, Cadmus accepted a sugar cube from me, Erik did not get any happier about his hand as time flew.

He sat down at the piano and absently hit some keys by his right hand's fingers, not being very pleased about the simplicity of the melody he was able to produce. He was so restrained, he could not enjoy the free flow of music from his fingertips.

\- There is not a worse thing in life, my child, than art with boundaries. – He told me once earlier.

It was bad to see how he suffered because of it.

If I could help him, I would, definitely, I would give him my other hand, if I could, so he would be able to play and write… and only then the idea hit me.

If I am not needed by him to help with tieing his shoes or cravat, he could still need me with music! I waked to him and hopped down on the bench next to him. He just lifted his head up to meet my glance, but he did not speak. He had no urge to speak or do anything. I did not talk either, just hit a few notes in the bass with my left. He turned his head away in dismay, then finally stated:

\- Good for you. Did you sit here to play with your left to mock me?

\- No. – I replied simply, though I was hurt he instantly supposed I was mocking him.

\- Then? – He turned back to face me, but he suddenly realized my intents behind my actions, and he stared into my eyes with surprise and thankfulness.

\- Exactly. – I said, resting my left on the keys.

\- Would you do it… for Erik…?

\- Of course. I help with whatever I can, and with whatever you need.

\- You… you are too kind to me…

He softly asked me to first play some Chopin together to warm up. He liked Chopin a lot and his piano pieces calmed him. I wasn't too much fond of Chopin's melancholy, but for Erik I'd do anything, so we played some Nocturnes I knew as well. At first it was a bit of hard to synchronize our playing styles. Of course, it was hard enough to play by only left hand, but finding out and adapting how Erik interpreted Chopin was a way harder task. Each and every musicians have different phrasings, plays slower or faster, and finding out Erik did not rush the thrills caused a bit of dissonance with my faster tempo sometimes.

\- I used to be like you. – He smiled. – In my youth I played faster and I had a challenge to play the sisteenth roulades in Mozart's Alla Turca the fastest possible. Yet now, as I became older, I found out speed is not everything. A true virtuose, my dear, isn't just playing the melody the fastest they can, but play the work expressing the emotions indended by the composer, using their all technical skills.

I so loved when Erik's music teacher side came to the surface, he always taught me something I did not know, or did not know the right way before. He was devoted to arts and wished to play the closest to perfect, and he expected the same from both of his pupils: Christine and me. Perfection. Nothing more, nothing less.

We played Chopin, then Mozart for hours, and by the end of the practice session I was in complete synchron and harmony with Erik. I finally was able to tune up to his tempo and phrasings, and without the need to tell me how he imagined it, we were able to play a Mozart sonata together. It was really just as my left hand was Erik's. The most majestic bond, art has connected our souls and we were making beautiful music together.

\- This is… marvelous… - Erik stuttered, looking at me. – I can't believe… it is true…

\- We've become one body. – I smiled warmly.

\- It's supposed to work like this with married couples anyway. – He laughed out. – But… but I think this is even better!

\- You are right. – I lay my head on his chest and I heard he took a relieved and delighted sigh.

\- Juti, I never thought there will be such a magical moment in my existence. – He admitted softly. – We made music… together… oh dear… we… oh… Juti…

He hugged me, crying, I could feel his teardrops landing on my head. I was comfortingly massaging his back, with a wide smile all over my face.

\- We could do it anytime, Erik dear. We have eternity.

\- It is fine by me. – He sniffed. – I don't even mind if my arm never heals. I don't need it any more… the only thing I need… is you…


	47. Children's Disease

Since the night we spent together playing music as right and left hand, Erik wasn't depressed any more. We found a way to cooperate in playing and did so whenever Erik felt the need to play. It was good as I was getting better and better in playing the piano as I was practicing. My left, which was my weaker hand, got more and more able to do little nuances in tempo and dinamics and wasn't just "the accompaniment hand" as I used to call it.

\- Accompaniment hand? – Erik snorted when I told him this. – You are, my dear, frustratingly a dominant pianist. You never consider there could be other instruments as well.

\- Chopin was the same way, he literally could not even compose for anything else. – I pointed out. – At least I know how to orchestrate. – I giggled.

Erik looked at me in dismay for a few seconds, I think for both the fact I talked about his favorite composer in a dectractive manner and because I suddenly showed too much self confidence. I guessed he was going to scold me for it, but I had to notice with surprise that he did not. On the contrary.

\- Do you remember when I told you would be a mediocre concert pianist? – He asked.

\- I do. – I nodded.

\- It is not true. – He stated seriously. – Erik was wrong. Forgive him.

My eyes grew wide of astonishment. Erik hardly ever admitted if he was wrong, and he was a rather harsh critique in music. And the fact he changed his mind about rating my pianist skills is a miracle.

We were playing together more and more, making Erik forget about his injury. He later gave me another task, as he sometimes dictated his new ideas to me, which suddenly came to his mind. He was happy he did not have to forget his musical sketches and it was also good for me that I was able to practice writing sheet music after hearing. It was such a great feeling he looked at the sheet music I wrote for him with delight and he nodded admiringly at it. He was delighted with the work I did, and maybe only now it got clear to him what I know in music theory.

He turned to me with interest after a time I handed him a finished page, and he patted my head again. He said nothing while these acts of encouragement and did not word any positive or negative critique, but it was common from him. He rather corrected, and hardly ever praised. If he praised me it meant he was extremely content with something, which happened rarely. It was partly good as it always made me work harder to please him, but sometimes it made me upset I can never be good enough to meet his standards which were put extremely high.

\- I am afraid I am never going to meet that level you expect me to. – I worded my feelings, sitting at the desk in his room, while he took some rest between dictating two movements.

\- Do you wish to meet my expectations only? – He looked at me a bit strictly.

\- Not really but I would like it if you praised me more.

\- It is not my method of teaching.

\- Pupils can lose interest in the subject if they feel they are not good enough.

\- If it is the case, the person isn't even suitable for the carrier. Especially with music. Only the most dedicated composers, who live on music only, will reach that level.

\- I don't think so.

\- You have the right to object, yet I don't believe you know how to teach.

\- It was just my job, after all. – I remarked with sarcasm.

\- You graduated in conducting. You could not have any pupils with that. – He snorted.

\- I did not say I was teaching music.

\- But then what? – He leaned closer.

\- English. – I shrugged. – I used to teach English to elementary and High School students.

\- You did not say that. – He stood up and walked close to me.

\- You never asked. – I shrugged, now smiling.

\- Though I disagree with the amount of praising with you… I have to admit I think you could be, and sure were, a good teacher. At least you are certainly kinder than me.

\- Saying so, I would request to continue teaching when we start a new life together.

\- Why? – He gasped.

\- Because I wish to have a job.

\- You do not need a job. We can live just fine. I don't think even I need a job, but if I do, I can always go and get hired in building industry.

\- It is a matter of principles. I know you have money but I feel like I have been parasitizing on you for too long anyway by this time. You buy me everything and I feel bad I can't buy anything on my own money.

\- I don't understand your problem. It is not MY money, it is OUR money and if you need anything you are free to take any amount you need.

\- But I feel like I am supported by you like I was your child who can't earn money on her own and I feel I am a bad person for accepting and using your help in my financial support.

\- Nonsense. – He barked. – A family works like this, exactly. A man works, and supports his family. It is the man's job to put bread on the table and the woman only works to support herself until and if she has no husband to rely on. It is not using the man if a woman accepts money from the husband- it is just how things work.

\- In my time women work just as much as men do.

\- And then who takes care of the house and the children?

\- Children?

\- Yes, it is the woman's job, usually, not to have a career… unless you wish to become an opera singer… but I doubt you would handle stage fright the right way. I don1t recommend that world to you… you are not made to become a Prima Donna, sweetie.

\- Erik… at first… you are kind of outdated yet again. But… what did you say about children?

\- Nothing. I just told it as an example. – He hurried to make things clear for me.

\- But if we will have no children then what is my use?

\- You are not in the world to change diapers, I daresay. You will find out.

\- If no children, then work. Something has to be done…

\- We are going to talk about this later. Now I would like to work, and my hand is acting up, not wanting to write. – He pointed at me with a smirk.

I sighed and shook my head, but continued listening to his dictation, as I knew if Erik did not want to talk about something there was no need and use to force it on him.

Thankfully as he was injured, he became a bit less shy in front of me to ask me to scratch him somewhere he wasn't able to reach or massage his back or shoulders, and he was more willing to accept help from me in more aspects as well.

For example I went out to shop as he was unable to carry more things home at one time, as he did before. Many times before, both of his hands were full of groceries and necessities we needed. Now, until his hand gets better, it was my job to carry things home, but of course, he was afraid I would overstrain myself and carry too heavy things. I was happy to be able to help finally, so I did not mind it at all.

One time, while shopping, I had a strange experience.

I found a small child, a boy, approximately 2 or 3 years old, alone on the street when I stepped out of a shop. He was standing in front of the toy shop's window and cried. I instantly felt sorry for the poor thing, and as people did not seem to care about him too much, I hurried to the rescue.

\- What is wrong, dear? – I asked with compassion, checking on him.

\- Mama… - He sniffed with desperation and pointed forward.

\- Are you lost? – I leaned closer to him, to get into his level.

\- Mama left! – He cried, then coughed. As he was yet too small to be taught to cover his mouth when coughing, he coughed in my face, but I did not mind it too much. I picked my handkerchief out of my pocket and helped him to blow his nose. I liked children and liked to take care of them, and to be honest I would not have minded to have a child of my own soon, but I knew it wasn't going to happen with Erik. His behavior indicated so.

\- Do not cry, little one, we are going to search for your Mommy. – I picked him up in my arm and walked forward with him where the boy pointed.

We were walking with him for a good ten minutes of time, trying to locate his Mom, as I hoped he will recognize her, while the child repeatedly coughed on me, as he was hugging my neck. He was ill, I knew, but I did not mind it too much. What can happen? I catch a cold... After a time a desperate woman was running backwards, holding another small kid's hand, and with a relieved cry she hurried to me.

\- Robert, you bad- bad boy! – Se scolded the young boy sitting on my shoulder, repeatedly coughing. – Oh thank you, thank you so much for taking care of him! He is a very bad boy, always slipping out from under my guidance… - The mother hurriedly explained while picking him up from me.

\- It is just natural. – I smiled. – I am glad you found each other. Though, I think you should take him to a doctor he has a bad cough.

\- Oh… - she waved. – He keeps having it… not a big deal.

With another expression of gratitude, she took the boy with herself and scolded him audibly for a long time. Even at the corner of the street I could still hear she threatened him to be leashed if he wanders away once more.

When I arrived home I did not tell Erik about my small adventure, as, firstly, I knew he did not really like young children, and the more problem was he sure would have scolded me about touching an obviously sick kid, and would risk my voice's health by catching a cold.

Two weeks passed since that small scenario, I have nearly forgotten about it by that time, when one day I started coughing and had a runny nose. Erik was a little bit surprised I caught a cold in May, when the weather was warm, but he ended up presuming I drank something too cold. I thought I caught the cold from the young boy, and I did not think I shall worry about it, really. Nothing was wrong, besides of the symptoms of a simple cold, for a time.

Also, my eyes started blurring with tears and they sometimes hurt, but it wasn't too serious at first.

Yet, contrary to Erik made me drink gallons of lemon tea and checked on me many times a day, and later I received his rather horrible tasted homemade cough syrup, my cold turned to the worse day by day. I was having the symptoms which turned to the worse for another two weeks, and it was already the 10th May. Erik was more and more worried and anxious as he checked on me, as he saw his remedies were simply helping nothing. He got the cast removed from his left hand just on the day I fell seriously ill. I did not have any appetite and I felt exhausted. And my eyes got sore and red. It scared me to no end as I already had eye problems and I was terribly afraid of losing my remaining little enough eyesight.

\- This cold you have is a rather persistent one. I seriously hope you are not developing a pneumonia yet again. – He gasped when he put his hand on my forehead at the evening. – What is this, you are ill just a year after I found you…? What the Hell? Do you have this illness in every year?

\- No, it is actually rare I fall ill usually.

He nervously put a thermometer in my mouth and tapped his foot against the floor while waiting for the five minutes to pass. Yes, I had fever. The alarming thing was it reached rather high, but I expected it as I felt rather lousy. Erik became half mad with worry and he ordered me to go straight to bed after he shook the thermometer off. I did not mind it, to be honest. I changed to sleepwear and went to bed, as Erik said. He appeared in the room shortly after, examining me with pure horror.

\- Juti, tell me what you feel. Please. Only then I can help.

I listed my symptoms, which weren't anything special to me, and sadly neither they were anything special for Erik. He was seemingly unable to figure out what the Hell my problem might be. He ended up deciding he was going to keep an eye on me, to see where my illness escalates, and he will save me if he can, if he finally finds out the name of the disease. Until that he was just taking care of reducing the symptoms, and made cold pack on my eyes to make them feel better a bit.

The next day we did not have to guess any more but the realization hit us a bit of unexpected.

When he checked on me in the morning, he noticed something behind my ear, and he disbelievingly stared at me for a few minutes, checking on the thing he found more and more.

\- What is it, Erik…?

\- I cannot believe my eyes. – He stated. – Open your mouth. – He added nervously. I obeyed. Seemingly he was checking on my teeth, which I did not understand the need of. I could not speak as he was nearly putting his whole head in my mouth, but I sent him a questioning glance. He was stroking my hair compassionately and finally asked. – My dear, it would be important for you to remember…

\- I reply if I can. – I sighed.

\- Juti, can it happen by a chance you did not go through all of childrens diseases when you were small?

\- I did go through none at all.

\- What? – He gasped.

\- None at all. – I repeated, shaking my head.

\- Can it be you just maybe do not remember..?

\- No. Mom said so. She sure does remember which illnesses I had before.

\- True. – He sighed then sat down at my bedside. – So dear I have bad news. Seems like then, you did not have measles before.

\- No. – I shook my head.

\- Well, now you do. – He closed his eyes.

\- Did you have the measles before, Erik? – I asked worriedly, fearing I was going to pass it on him.

\- Yes, yes. – He nodded quickly.

\- Oh then I am not afraid, why should I be afraid of only that?

\- Only? Juti, it is a quite dangerous infection with high fever. There is no cure for it, we can just hope it heals, but if I can't stop your fever… - His voice got weaker by the fright and he hugged me close to himself. – Juti, children DIE of this sometimes… and it wears adults out the more…

\- There is no cure for it in the twenty- first century either. – I tried to calm him.

\- But at least you said there were better ways to reduce fever. – He jumped up and walked around me desperately in circles. – How on Earth did you get it? You don't even have kids… thankfully…

\- I helped a young boy with a bad cough to reunite with his Mom. I did not know he had the measles as he had no rash. He was only coughing.

\- I… I can't believe you… you… you… - He was wheezing, going around in circles, not being able to restrain his frustration, - you baby all sick… sick… contagious red deaths! You kissed the Red Death!

\- Erik… - I coughed desperately.

\- I go and hang that small monster who spat his deadly disease at my precious… I KILL HIM!

He stormed out of the room and could hear him throwing a piece of furniture across the salon, screaming with anger and helpless fury. I could also hear that some china did not survive his fit of rage. Measles made me a bit of too weak to get out of bed any easily, and I already knew Erik was dangerous to restrain when he was so angry, and I was sure even if I managed to stagger out to him, it will enrage him even more that I climbed out of bed without his permission. I was waiting, anxiously hiding under the covers until Erik's episode ended.

He returned to me after maybe half an hour, seemingly a bit less angry, but he just dropped down on my bedside yet again, and he hugged me tight, cradling me in his arms.

\- This is why we are not having children. – He muttered softly, rocking back and forth with me in his arms- not any children… I hate them… they are deadly… disgusting… noisy…they do nothing but spread illnesses you can DIE of…

\- Erik, I am not going to die, please… calm…

\- I can only hope… I will do everything… so you get better… please get better… I love you… I need you…

The next few days were awful for both of us. I was weak, feverish and Erik was right, I felt rather lousy with measles. I would rather chose to have the pneumonia from last year again than measles. Yes, I heard before that adults handle childrens diseases worse than children, and it would have been better for me to get through it in my childhood, but it was just fate. I, for some reason did not doubt I am going to feel better and heal, which Erik was extremely anxious about. He did not leave my bedside, only when he needed to go out to handle my medicination and when he needed to use the bathroom. Other times he sat beside me, worrying. He checked on my pulse, he measured my fever, he bit his nails, he desperately clung to my arm, and sent me worried glances. He was taking care of me like a doctor, but was half crazy, if not totally. He did not eat, only drank some small amount of water, he did not sleep, and dedicated his whole being and days to cure and nurse me. He was restless, while measuring my temperature he was walking in circles in the room, in five minutes he, I bet, he walked kilometers as he was fast. He suddenly ran to me to see what the thermometer shows and he grabbed my shoulders in his powerless panic.

\- Juti, if you die I don't wish to go on any longer… you mean everything to me and my life means nothing without you!

He buried his face in my nightshirt, sobbing, hugging me so tight I was barely able to feel my arms. I could feel his panic and it was so awful to see him in this condition and his endless worry sent me to tears. We cried together for a time, and he was kissing my sweaty forehead with passion and fear.

My fever, thankfully, just as suddenly as it rose before, disappeared on the 18th May. In countries which celebrated someone's name day, the 18th May was for the name "Erik". I am not sure my sudden healing was just because of the way measles were meant to be healing, or the old Swedish patroning saint of that day or my Erik's energies were paying off finally, but one thing was sure: I felt much – much better.

Erik, my poor Erik was dozing off a bit, after nearly a week of sleeplessness, he did not wish to sleep even then as I noticed he was just passing out at my feet, with his feet touching the ground. I had no heart to wake him up, informing I was feeling better, so I just lay back down to rest a bit more.

I did not have to wait for too long though as Erik startled up from a nightmare and with a gasp, he sat up, instantly jumping up from the bedside and rushing to my side.

\- Erik…

\- Yes, dear..? Sorry Erik fell asleep for a bit but here he is, my love what do you need?

\- Erik…

\- Yes, dear I am preparing your medication right away, I am sorry…

\- Erik take a breath sometimes. – I smiled. – I feel better.

\- Do you? – He gasped, then put his hand on my forehead. – You… you… you are right… no fever… you are not hot any more…

\- I am feeling better. – I smiled, hugging him.

\- Oh… - He cried out with relief and his tears were flowing on my shoulder, and he started kissing me endlessly on the cheeks. – Oh Juti… thank God…

\- Happy Erik Day. – I giggled, accepting his endless affection, and I wished to say something nice to him.

\- It couldn't be happier… - He swallowed back some tears. – Now that you are going to heal… oh Juti, I don't want anything else just you being here…

He stood up after a time, and left to prepare my medication and tea, but from the door frame he turned back to face me.

\- Juti…

\- Yes…? – I asked curiously.

\- If… if it is so important to you… Erik… Erik is willing to consider… the possibility of… adopting a child for ourselves within a few years time. – He said softly.

\- Really? – My eyes lit up with happiness. – Do you not hate kids…?

\- I have to go. – He informed me, avoiding the subject. – We are going to talk about this… later.


	48. Hungarian Traditions

**Erik's diary**

 **20th May, '82**

 _Thank Heavens, Juti has no fever in the past 2 days and she is much better in general. The rash is disappearing slowly as well. Poor thing, she was all red with it. I could not have put a coin on her not to cover rash by it. Now she is able to eat and be up, and it seems she is slowly regaining her strength and good mood. She is a little fighter contrary she doesn't consider herself as such in the meantime. She overcame this disease all by herself, I am so proud of her._

 _These two days since she is better, passed much easier than the days before: those were utter Hell for both of us. I was half mad with worry, and I did not know what to do if she did not get better. The doctor cannot help either if the fever doesn't stop, so Bonsanté wasn't an option either. Sometimes I wonder if she'd be safer in her time: at least mankind seemed to develop enough by that time to at least be able to break a fever with medication with no risk. They even started to use vaccination to prevent illnesses such as diphtheria, epidemic paralysis and many more. Juti says they have vaccination against measles as well, but it wasn't yet mandatory when she was small in her country, so she maybe did not receive it. She can't say it for sure. I wish I had the knowledge of her doctors, then I would not be so afraid if she gets ill. Many- many times I am afraid I am going to lose her by an illness, or childbirth._

 _I know she would like to have children, or at least one child. It is understandable, as every woman, I think, would like to have children. I bet Mother would have liked to have one if it is wasn't me. In my desperation, and relief which followed, I promised her we were going to adopt a child within time, and… if she really wants that I am not totally against it. Only one thing I am against a hundred percent: childbirth._  
 _It fills me with horror to think Juti was going to give birth to my child. The complications and risks of a childbirth are terrifying enough for me, but it is not all. At first… what kind of a child that would be? I am terribly afraid it might inherit my looks, and whatever Juti scribbles in her fanfiction, I would definitely NOT let a kid like that to suffer. To avoid such a tragedy, I will never father a child of my own._

 _Juti once mentioned me that her eye disorders are inherited, so she is afraid our child would be blind as our century can't offer a surgery for the child yet to salvage its eyesight as they did it to her. I would say the child still would be better be blind than turn out as ugly as I am, but if we are misfortunate enough it can also happen it will be blind AND ugly at the same time, so no way I would risk that possibility._

 _So the only option for us is adoption. There are so many orphans out there... it won't be hard to get one or two. That way we don't have to give ourselves completely to fate and wait for 9 months of horror to receive either a child or monster. We can chose the gender as well. It is up to her, I am not going to tell if a boy or girl shall be taken in, but... well a father always prefers a son for the firstborn... We can also chose a child of any age. I seriously hope Juti wishes to skip the "put a clean diaper on him and after make him potty trained" time period so I'd much prefer a child above 3 years old. Yet I am afraid she chooses an infant._

 _I just hope she can accept a child she isn't related to. Me… it is all the same for me, only thing that matters is she will be happy. I will get used to it, whatever situation. One can get used to anything. Even eternity. Even sleeping in a coffin. And… even stinky noisy and dull children. Maybe we will be lucky enough to receive the sharpest knife from the drawer, as they say…_

 _Anyway, I have still time to think about such possibilities. We are not even married yet, though we should be able to arrange the wedding soon, as my hand is nearly back to normal right now. I was able to practice on the piano for the first time yesterday, I played for Juti, so I guess there are no limitations after I finsh my new mask, to go out yet again to work on the house. Only a little work still, and we can start a new life together. I can't wait._

 _Since she is finally better, I was able to sleep, and now I do feel better. I was tired to tell the truth. So-so tired… I am starting to get used to sleeping every night. Now my days are calm and peaceful as I am nursing her without the constant fear of losing her and the panic faded away. Now I am able to sing for her, play for her, and she is much amused by my ventriloquist skills and card tricks._

 _And… we had a strange little conversation with her just now._

 _Suddenly she looked at me and said she was sorry she wasn't able to give me anything for my nameday. I rolled my eyes and shrugged. I knew celebrating the given name on the day of the name's patroning saint was common in some countries in Eastern Europe, like Hungary, but in France, they did not celebrate it. I knew mine was on 18th May, but I did not give much thought about it. Yet, I knew she only meant to be kind, so I smiled at her and said I received a gift for my nameday, as she got better on it, which is a much bigger gift than I could dream of, and means much more than if she had given me something, would it be even the most precious of the Shah's jewelry as none of them could replace her for me. It was the truth._

 _She seemed to like my answer, yet, after a few seconds of giggling, she suddenly slapped her forehead and looked at me in a sudden realization with a small gasp which left her mouth. I anxiously looked at her to find out what was bothering her suddenly. It did not seem to be physical pain, I guessed she rather forgot something important._

 _\- Erik, it is May. – She stated._

 _\- It is. – I said matter- of factly, not knowing why it gave her such a realization._

 _\- It is… so Easter is usually not in the end of May right?_

 _\- Easter is never in the end of May. – I shrugged yet again, not understanding what we had to do with Easter suddenly._

 _\- So, it is already past?_

 _\- Yes, it is, for more than a month. It was on 9th April this year._

 _\- Why did you not tell? – She looked to be seriously disappointed._

 _\- I thought it wasn't important to you… - I started apologeticly – you don't seem to like religious holidays and… would you have wanted to go to Mass?_

 _\- No. – She shook her head._

 _\- But… then what did you want to do on Easter? It is only the Mass. It wasn't important even because of the meals as we did not keep lent this year. Not because I'd do other ways, but it is even harder with you as you don't want to even taste fish. What on Earth should I have given to eat for you for more than a month?_

 _\- It is not about lent. But the fact you did not water me and I am going to wither away._

 _\- What did I not do? – I gasped, thinking I did not hear it right._

 _\- You did not water me. – She repeated. No, I seemed to hear it right. What is this…? It does not sound right…_

 _\- I beg your pardon, but what does that mean? – I inquired cautiously._

 _\- You don't water girls on Monday in France?_

 _\- No. – I shook my head. – And I never heard of that activity. Please clearify._

 _\- So, in Hungary, on Easter's Monday boys go around to pour, well in older times a bucket of cold water all over the girls they knew._

 _\- And did you honestly want me to pour a bucket of cold water all over you? What for?_

 _\- No, nowadays they do it by cologne water. – She winked._

 _\- Oh, now I see. – I nodded. – You like my cologne water and want it._

 _\- Partly, but it is the first Easter of my life which lacked this. And it would've been fun with you. I did not know it is not a thing in France._

 _\- Well… I am now Hungarian after all. – I put my hand on her shoulder. – I should have checked our traditions. I am sorry. But… we could make up for it. – I smiled. – Do you want me to do it now?_

 _\- It is not Easter any more._

 _\- And who said we can only do it on Easter? Next year I am going to take better care of it, sorry. But now if you want it, I do it. Tell me what to do._

 _\- Just spray some cologne water on my hair. – She smiled. – Well, I don't shock you with the poems._

 _\- What poems?_

 _\- The man says a poem before doing this, but you don't have to._

 _\- Oh I see… but what kind of poems?_

 _\- They are usually meaningless little poems about you have spent your time in a forest and saw a flower which was withering away, so you water me in order to I won't mee the same fate._

 _\- Oh. Good. I am not talking such nonsense._

 _I walked to the bathroom to grab my perfume and walked in front of her and to say something, I just asked her if I was allowed to make up for the delay. She smiled and nodded, and I, taking care of not to pour all the cologne over her head, I tried to pour a bit of it on her. I think I poured a bit more than I should have, still, but she did not complain, on the contrary. She hugged my neck and kissed me with a "thank you sweetie" and a wide smile all over her face._

 _\- Well, if this is how it works, I am starting to like our Easter traditions better. – I admitted. – Do, perhaps, boys receive a kiss for watering girls?_

 _\- Only your significant other. – She pointed out, still smiling. – Boys usually receive dyed eggs. Or money._

 _\- I have money and I am not much of a fan of boiled eggs. – I shrugged with a chuckle._

 _\- Don't you even like chocolate eggs? We usually give them to men in the family._

 _\- No. – I shook my head. – I don't have a sweet tooth. I'd rather have a kiss than any kind of eggs._

 _\- It is your luck because I don't have any eggs ready for you. But I can kiss you anytime._

 _She kissed me on the forehead, both on the cheeks and on my lips and I got too weak to stand on my feet. I had to sit if she did this, I literally felt my heart just melted and I am ashamed to admit but I always cried a little when she kissed me so much at one time. I wasn't able to talk for a while, so I just hugged her as she walked to me and held her close to myself. My left hand started trembling on her back after a time, as it was kind of weak still, after being broken._

 _\- Is your hand in pain? – She looked at me in worry and it melted my heart yet again._

 _\- N… n…ot in pain, just weak. – I stuttered. – Don't bother with it._

 _\- If I massage it for you will you feel better?_

 _\- I… I think so. – I nodded._

 _She gently started massaging my wrist and arm, after she rolled up my sleeve. I did not object, it actually felt real good. To hide my obvious thankfulness and not to cry yet again, I cleared my throat and asked her to tell me about other Hungarian traditions so I won't end up forgetting any more of our holidays and will know what to do next time._

 _\- Well, if you are curious about only the Hungarian holidays, and the differences between bigger holidays in France and Hungary, here they are: our first holiday which is only in Hungary, is 15th March. We had the revolution on that day which I was talking to you earlier._

 _\- In '48. – I pointed out, showing her I was paying attention._

 _\- Exactly. – She smiled. – It is usually just about remembering the heroes of that day but nowadays they organize many family oriented programs to that day. It is kind of like you'd take me to an amusement park._

 _\- Was it a hint? – I chuckled._

 _\- Well… - She chuckled and winked. - I would not object to that, definitely._

 _\- We will see what we can do about it.- I remarked jokingly. So, what are our holidays, eh? Next?_

 _\- Well, in Easter we have the watering and giving eggs other than the religious things everyone does here as well. After Easter we of course, have Mother's Day, Children's Day, and Pentecost but as I know nothing of the latter, I skip to 20th August._

 _\- The Birthday of the Country, if I am right._

 _\- Yes, it is the Hungarian version of 14th July, so we have the fireworks on that day. And usually the same things you do here on 14 July._

 _\- Right. After?_

 _\- 23rd October is the 3rd National Day of Hungary other than 15th March and 20th August. On the 23rd October 1956 our country started a revolution against… guess who?_

 _\- Germany?_

 _\- No._

 _\- Austrian Monarchy… like in '48…?_

 _\- No. Russia._

 _\- How did Russia enter the picture historically?_

 _\- As the Second World War ended, Russia ended the German occupation in our country, but in return they settled down in Hungary and made us get into the Soviet Union. We wanted autonomy back, so we started a revolution, but it was defeated way faster and more brutally than the one in '848/49._

 _\- That poor country is under occupation by every single great power, it seems._

 _\- Well, not since 1989 any more. – She smiled. – We are a Republic again since 23rd October 1989. Well, after there is Halloween, but I don't really like it as Hungarians don't collect candy as in English Speaking countries. But in return we have an extra holiday in December when we receive candy- 6th December._

 _\- Oh, yes, St. Nicholas._

 _\- Do you have that day? I thought it is only Christmas at you when you receive gifts._

 _\- Not n each regions of France. It is not common here in Paris, but it is in the Normandian region where I was born. I know about that day because I grew up there._

 _\- And is it also like that as in Hungary? That a child receives gifts and chocolate if they are good?_

 _\- Yes, though I never got anything._

 _\- Oh. And what happens if you are… bad?_

 _\- Mother used to say that the Bag Man will come and take the bad kids, though it must be a lie as I was never taken by him, yet it was hard to find a boy nastier than Erik in whole Normandy. I bet even in whole France. Mostly I only received sticks, and on that morning I usually received some hits on my backside. Depending on Mother's mood and what I committed earlier._

 _\- And you never received chocolate? – Shelooked at me with sheer pity which I loathed, to be honest._

 _\- You know well that I don't like chocolate. The Devil wanted chocolate._

 _\- I will give you something sweeter than, on every St. Nicholas Day if you are a good boy._

 _\- Oh…- I had to smile again, as she tried her best to make me happy again, and to be honest, the mention of kisses always made me feel better. She always knew what to say to me to make me feel happier and she had a great talent in getting what she wanted by flattering and affection, yet she did not do it as sickeningly as most of women out of womanly practique. She was rather cute and had talent in taming me and toning down my mood swings by a well timed kiss or hug. Sometimes I started to wonder if it was just what I needed- receiving love._

 _\- And of course we have Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day, and we celebrate Birthdays and also namedays. I know it is not a big deal here, and I don't expect you to celebrate namedays if you don't want to…_

 _\- But indeed, I do want to celebrate each and every occasion I can with you. Also I was considering to give you roses on the 11th May, as that's the day when we met, but considering the circumstances that meeting took place among, I rather chose not to. I am sorry._

 _\- It is a cute idea, but understandable you rather ended up not to. – She nodded._

 _\- Thank you for understanding. – I sighed in relief. – It reminds me of how cruel I was towards you in the beginning… but… I will give you twice the amount of roses on our wedding anniversary each year._

 _\- Oh that sounds much better. – She kissed my forehead happily._

 _I had to swallow back some tears by her sudden emotional outburst, and to hide that I asked:_

 _\- When exactly is your nameday?_

 _\- On 30th July. – She replied with a knowing little smile, I guess she found out my weakness._

 _\- Then… I am going to make that day an unforgettable one this year for you. – I replied with determination._

 _\- Oh… Erik, don't exaggerate please… it is not a Birthday kind event. I mean, only something simple will do… a box of chocolate or such._

 _\- Just leave it on me, please. – I nodded gracefully. – I know what I will do._


	49. Melody of the Future

Talking to Erik about the holidays and especially 1956's happenings in Hungary made my mind race with a sudden realization at night after we went to bed.

The time I knew as past, and far past before, is going to be future. Not very late future, to be clear. Of course, I knew it already with my mind, but it just did not go through before for some reason. God. It means the horrid happenings like the two World Wars are still ahead of us. I did not take this fact to a serious consideration before, and the horror just sank in.

Counting, now it is 1882 and I am 29 years old. It means in 1914 I will be 61. 61 years old me seemed to be so very old when I thought about it earlier, but suddenly it seemed to be much younger, especially too young to die in war. These happenings sounded way less frightening when we only learned about them at school and they were in the past. But knowng these were still ahead of us did not make me any calmer. I was sitting in the Louis Philippe bed, staring in front of myself in anxiety, and tried to chase these thoughts away. Erik was sleeping next to me. At least he was sleeping and did not have any nightmares. Wolfy jumped next to me and sat on my lap. I stroke his fur and let him give me affection by rubbing up against me and purring, and when I finally calmed down after some time I crawled to Erik and snuggled up against his side to feel him closer.

Erik started to get used to my presence in bed, so he did not push me away, but involuntarily wrapped his arm around my shoulder to hug me in his sleep. I smiled at that and took a deep breath to calm myself and to sniff on him a bit. His presence always calmed me and I hoped to feel safe with him and flee from my fears regarding the future.

Erik's Diary

23rd May, '882

I had to talk with Juti today. She wasn't the usual and it worried me, as she seemed to be bothered by something. She said nothing to me about it earlier, and I guessed, for a time, that it is just the fact she was a bit of weaker and more distressed from the aftermath of the illness she had to suffer through, but I had to realize something bothered her soul rather than body, as I noticed she was too much clingy.

Of course, she was clingy in general, as she loved to be in the same room as I was and she often needed to touch me earlier as well, and I love that fact, but I noticed a change in her clinginess during these days. She was holding my hand more often and I felt she squeezed it more insecurely, as she was afraid of something, and she asked me more times to allow her to sit on my lap for some minutes and she hugged me as she was sitting on my lap, just as she wanted to cuddle the closest possible. Seeking for… not love. Protection.

As I hugged her head to my chest, I knew I had to find out what made her upset and what she needs me to protect her from, so I started:

\- What has happened to Erik's little singing bird, hm?

\- What do you mean? – She lifted up her head to look into my eyes, and tried to look naturally to deceive my senses, yet Erik was too old to be fooled that way.

\- The way you act. – I replied. – Are you, by a chance, afraid of something?

\- No. – She shook her head.

\- Are you sure? – I leaned closer to her and examined her eyes, which even now reflected a hint of fear.

Silence. She did not reply right away, so I was even surer there was a problem. She hugged my neck and leaned her head on my shoulder and I rubbed her back comfortingly, just as she did it to me when she wanted me to feel better.

\- Why don't you tell me? – I went on. - You can tell everything to your little husband. It pains me you don't want to tell me… how should I help if you just suffer in your mind?

\- I am just afraid you are going to consider my fears as nonsense. I don't want to nag you with something which is so irrational.

\- I take your fears seriously. – I replied. – There are irrational fears, of course, I know those too well. But knowing from my own example, it is not good at all if you don't talk them out. We could search for a solution to help you with them, or solve them for good.

\- The only possible solution to avoid my fears would be… time travel. But we already have a house and…

\- Oh… so you are not feeling well in this century? What do you miss? I try to invent it for you! – I offered. – It is about… computers, right? If I happen to build you a computer, will you like it?

\- My phone is a mini computer. Though I preferred my laptop and I miss the internet many times, you know… I sometimes still try to get on tumblr or , but after I realize my phone has no wifi to connect to. Wireless free internet… is wifi, so you know it. I kind of have everything, and when I lived in the future I always thought I should have lived in an earlier century, so no, it is not about the inventions. Of course, if we had no running water and indoor toilets I'd be a bit of less comfortable, but… I am sure I'd get used to it as well. But it is not about inventing something… it is rather about preventing something.

\- Preventing… what? – I worried about her. – I prevent whatever you are afraid of.

\- I doubt you could prevent two world wars… yet… wait…

\- Oh, the World wars, that is what makes you upset? – I stroke her hair. – Well, you see, one can't change the future…

\- But just now I thought you could. Look, maybe… we go to Austria in 1889 on 20th April, and you kill Hitler on his Birthday, and you prevent the second one.

\- Oh ho ho! – I gasped. – You encourage me of murder? I can't believe my ears.

\- You'd save many people by killing one. I think it is forgivable that way…

\- All right. – I sighed. – We could also save many people if we go back to a certain day in the year 1832. You know which one I am referring to, my dear… - I groaned.

\- It wasn't about you! That guy was a monster.

\- So am I, according to many people. You still don't wish to kill me.

\- Oh come on… you did not cause a world war at least.

\- Do you honestly believe one single person is able to cause a world – sized war? – I snorted. - I am not sure what that fellow did but if you call him a monster I am afraid to imagine, as you don't even call me a monster, after you know about the chandelier and the torture chamber. What is this man, Satan himself, eh?

\- Not much better. – She shook her head.

\- You can't be serious abot blaming one single person for a war. Wars usually don't start for someone but something. And you know dear, what that thing is?

\- What…?

\- Guess.

\- Justice?

\- I must laugh.

\- Ummm…. Nationality?

\- They say so. But there is a reason stronger, always.

\- What reason?

\- Money. – I sighed. I could not believe she thinks so childishly, yet again. Just like a bad opera libretto, one hero can save the world from Satan. – What was the financial situation at that time, hm?

\- Well… the Second World War started in 1939 and ended in 1945… and the Financial Crisis was in 1929.

\- A financial crisis? – I snapped. - And you still think it is rather because of that one crazy guy? Why did I not start a World War then, if it is just about being crazy?

\- You always compare yourself to him. Yet… I think you are right in a way… both wars started in bad financial situations.

\- So, what did I say? – I snorted proudly. – Believe me, I have studied history much, as I am interested in every fields of knowledge. Wars are always about wealth. If not money, than areas. Country X needs that area as it has gold mines, or anything Country X lack, so they attempt to invade said area Country Y has. To do this, they find a reason to attack, like the king of Country Y looked at king of Country X in a horrible way the last time they saw each other, or something like that.

\- So… we could not prevent the first one either. It was declared because of the death of Franz Ferdinand, heir to the throne, who was shot in an outrage.

\- Or so they said. – I pointed out. – When was this…?

\- The war started in 1914 and lasted until 1918.

\- 30 years from now. – I shook my head.

\- But these wars seemed to be less frightening when we just learned about them at school and I knew they already happened. - She started playing with my watch chain nervously.

\- If it makes you feel better, I have already survived a war before. The Franco- Prussian one, not much before. It was bad of course, but you see I have survived it. And many more people did. Not everyone dies in war. – I tried to calm her a bit.

\- But it can happen you will be taken to war as a soldier. – She baulked.

\- So, by the time the first breaks I will be either dead or 82 years old, which, I believe will make it impossible for me to get in the military to save the country, even if I wished to, but I clearly don't. Not to even mention the second, which would make me to be 107 years old, but I seriously doubt it was possible for me to live that long. So what is the matter? Even you will be 61 at the first, and 86 at the second. Ad by that time you sure will turn more mature or so I hope. – I patted her shoulder. - And besides, there will be our children to protect you instead of me. I am sure they will do everything to help Mama.

\- You keep talking about children. – She smiled. – I am so glad you imagine children in our lives… I thought you did not want to have them… ever.

\- Well, people change. – I stated with caution. – Yet you know I still wish to spend a few years in marriage with you before we adopt children. - I added. – Let's say five. I wish to have my wife all for myself before I have to share her with someone.

\- Of course. – She smiled. – Erik was alone and could not have a wife of his own. And now he wants to have one and enjoy each moments with her. – She kissed me on the lips and stroke my hair.

\- As you say. – I smiled at her, as she succeeded in making me melt with the affection I received.

Yes, now I had to realize yet again what a child is she in general. I always wonder how a woman of her age could be like that, an idealist small child, who is often scared by reality. If I wasn't next to her as a father figure she'd be lost, as there was no one to control her. Christine was such an independent lady, not really letting me interfere with her plans, and I know if we got married as I had planned, we'd have been fighting over everything for a time until one of us finally backed away. And Juti likes to act independent – just by the range of her comfort zone. As I noticed, she likes to decide in situations which don't have much risk, and try herself in unknown fields for her out of being curious, but each decision which should require some bigger amount of responsibility and is just a tiny bit of risky, she will rather leave to her preferably older and wiser partner so she will be safe. She does not mind if I decide for her, and to be honest, I like to decide for her. I think our marriage will be a pleasant one, her personality goes well with mine. Yet, I will try to be less of a tyrant, but seeing I don't have to have dominance fights with her constantly, it is much easier not to be a tyrant. Guiding her along her life is much desired, and accepted by her. She has some interesting ideas regarding the future, such as teaching, but… if this makes her happy I am willing to allow her to do that. Yet I hope she changes her mind – I really don't need her to work, and it would make me ashamed knowing she thinks I can't support her on my own- which is not true.

Anyway, it is yet in the future. We should focus on the future indeed – yet not the World Wars. Thankfully she seems to be less frightened about them now we talked. I know she misses her century and I know what she is going through, being such a child, and yet she manages it quite well. She did not have mental breakdown, so she is even stronger than she thinks. I am here to support her just as much as I can. And I seriously like her clinginess… if it doesn't come with insecurity. I hate to see her suffer.

I guess I should give her some new occupations and make her help me with moving to our new house – if she is occupied she has less time and opportunity to think about catastrophes she can do nothing about, right? She is now well enough to go out and help…

Juti's POV:

Erik finally gave me a job! I thought as I was sick he would never send me out of the house ever again, and I shall wither away in the cellars until we finally move.

As we are moving soon, we will need a lot of boxes and I shall pack everything away in the house until he is gone to do the final touches on the house. Erik sometimes handles me as a young and possibly mentally slightly retarded kid, as he tells me everything, even the obvious. For example he warned me not to pack anything we use everyday until the very last day of packing. Am I an idiot or what? Or so he thinks sometimes.

Well, anyway, I am happy to be an important person in our relationship yet again. And of course, thankfully shopping is still my job!

Well, at a shopping trip I had yet another strange encounter, but this time it wasn't a sick child I met. No. It was an adult. An adult I tried to forget, and hoped I will never ever see again. I had no ill feelings towards that said person, but it was way better to consider they were far away, far- far away and will never return to cause trouble. And here she was.

Yes, she. It was a woman. A beautiful, blonde, blue eyed china doll, perfection herself, with an angelic voice and a too perfect and nice smile.

Of course I did not spot her out of the crowd as I was walking with a basket full of groceries. She did spot me. And called out to me. I nearly dropped the basket in a sudden fright as I wasn't used to being addressed by anyone but Erik, as no one knew me, especially not by my surname. This "Mademoiselle Varga" hit me like a thunder and when I looked at the direction where the voice came from, and I saw the Swedish angel rushing towards me, I simply could not breathe for some seconds. I had to compose myself to be able to hold the basket.

\- Mademoiselle… Daaé…- in my distress I addressed her by the wrong name again, yet she did not seem to mind it this time. She did not correct. God, maybe this means she got divorced and she is REALLY Mademeoiselle Daaé yet again? Why is she not in Sweden? Or wherever Popeye the Sailor Man took her?

\- I am so happy to find you, my friend. – She put her small gloved hand on my shoulder and looked at me seriously, but kindly. – I have been looking for you in the past three days. We do need to talk.


	50. Don Juan's two Women

Christine politely asked me to follow her to the apartment she was staying in, as she had some important issues to talk about which are not suitable for the street.

I obeyed, as I was curious and anxious of what she has to tell me, and agreed about the streets weren't the best place to discuss things like these in general. I never loathed anything more than the quarrels I had to witness as a regular passerby in my country, which were about someone stole someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. I hate scandals, and even more I do hate them if I am involved in one. Christine kindly informed me her apartment wasn't far and she added some meaningless small talk about the beautiful weather we are having, but I did not really reply to that save for a nod.

My mind was racing with the possible outcomes of the scenario I have gotten into, and wondering why Christine came back to Paris and what does she want of me:

She got divorced from Popeye who went back to the sea and Christine now thinks an ugly husband is better than no husband at all and she would like to heat up the cabbage with Erik. Though it is unlikely, seeing how she reacted the last time she came back to bury Erik, and considering how their relationship was in general, but… who knows with these people, really? Maybe musical talent is more important for her than wealth and looks and now she figured it out or I don't know.

She is pregnant, or gave birth to a child which is Erik's and now she wants him to take responsibility for his actions... Wait... She can't be… it is already too late for that… and Erik swore to God he did not have any sexual thoughts about Christine. Okay this isn't it… Love Never Dies made me lose my mind even though I haven't seen it. The fact that musical exists in itself, gives me unbelievably stupid ideas.

She wants to go back on stage and does not want anything of Erik… But then why was she looking for me?

Maybe she wants ME to go on stage...But why? And besides… wouldn't it be Erik's job to prepare me for stage? He is my music teacher after all and he was somewhat close to a manager to Christine's career… if we can call it that…

As I was wondering about these, we slowly arrived to Christine's apartment and she friendly led me inside.

Do forgive me for being untidy, my friend. - She apologized quickly as she opened the door.

Untidy? All I could see was one pair of slippers in front of the sofa, a teacup on the table and some sheet music next to the cup, other than that everything looked to be in perfect order to me. If this is untidy for her, then I must say she was the perfect match for Erik who was also a maniac about even a misplaced book and everything had its perfect place in his home. To be honest, he sometimes scolded me for being disorganized in my room, and in general as well, which was true though.

She gestured me to take a seat wherever I pleased and kindly offered me tea or coffee which I respectfully declined. She took a seat in front of me and examined me for a few seconds. I placed my basket next to my feet and waited anxiously for her to start.

How are you feeling, my friend? - She asked with a friendly smile.

I am doing well. Thank you. - I smiled as well, trying to figure out her intentions. I doubt she invited me here to ask about my health. - And you, Madame?

I wished to test the waters by calling her "Madame" to see if she was still married or not. She did not get offended and did not correct me, so I started hoping she was still with de Chagny. Only now, by reminding myself Raoul had a last name and I pronounced it in my mind for a few times, only now I realized how much it sounds like "Csényi", the last name Erik finally chose for himself. Now that I found out this fact I started to dislike the name, and I am sure if I tell it to Erik, he will tear his new documents in pieces and scold me why did I not warn him before. I will say nothing, to avoid this, but this is really a strange coincidence. Indeed, it is.

Thank you for asking. - Christine replied. - I am healthy and mostly in a good mood.

She paused some, looking around a bit nervously as someone was listening. I caught her sometimes checking if someone was following us on the street as well earlier, as if she was afraid Erik might be following us around. I found it strange, seeing she just returned to Paris to meet him.

And… how are you feeling emotionally? - She went on.

I could not be better, thank you. Why do you ask?

Just because it isn't always easy to be strong near him. -She stated. - You can tell me. I understand.

Her voice was compassionate and soft, just as if she was about to inform me about the death of a close family member. Now I started to wonder if this meeting wasn't about Erik and her… rather about Erik and me?

Are you worried about me… Madame?

Oh, please. Why are you so distant? Did you not call me Christine before? Can't we be friends?

I am sorry. - I apologized quickly, seeing I hurt her feelings, which wasn't my intent. - Of course, we can be friends and…. I am touched you think of me still.

I had to come back to Paris, upon hearing about you and Erik. What is between you and him, my dear? - She did not seem to be jealous, rather much worried.

He proposed to me. - I admitted, showing her my wedding ring.

And threatened you…? This is why you do not wish to leave him?

He did not threaten me. - I got surprised, but I knew he threatened Christine to accept the wedding ring, so I knew it is hard for her to imagine Erik could propose without threatening and blackmailing. - I would never leave him, Christine.

Not even thinking he hurt you? - She seemed to be so desperate over my well being, I really felt sorry for her.

He did not hurt me. - I tilted my head to the side. - But did you really come back to Paris only for me?

Only? Oh, my dear friend, you poor girl! You might lose your life if you decide wrong!

Oh Christine… - I walked closer to her and patted her shoulder, which she accepted, but looked at me with sadness and disbelief. - It touches my heart you worry, but please believe Erik is good to me.

I heard otherwise. - She shook her head.

Heard? - I asked. - Who told you Erik hurts me?

I received a letter. - She reached into her pocket and handed me an envelope.

It was addressed for Madame de Chagny in Uppsala, so yes, she lived in Sweden. With Raoul. I cannot tell how much this news made me relieved. But her earlier words clearly gave away as well that she did not have pleasant memories about Erik, and she only came to check on me - which was so unbelievable for me. Why would she give a damn about me, the girl she hardly even knows? Why would she travel long kilometers by an uncomfortable train, crossing countries for me, who isn't even related to her in the slightest way? Why would she do that? Why would she care?

Read it, please. You have the right to know about the contents. - She put her hand on my shoulder supportingly.

I opened the envelope and unfolded the letter, starting to read. The handwriting was unknown to me, but I could have sworn it was written by a man, by the way the letters were formed. The signature only said "a good friend from Paris". The letter briefly informed Christine about Erik did not even try to find a solution to send "a poor trapped girl back where she belongs" and that he started to "use me for his own benefits" and that "he had hurt me physically not even once." Reading the letter I understood why did she freak out. The good friend from Paris described my situation way more frightening than it was in reality.

And you came here to save me, Really? - I gasped in surprise.

Yes. - She nodded with determination. - I know it is not easy to flee from Erik, and it nearly wasn't successful for me either.

But why do you bother with me?

Because you are like me. a poor girl getting into a situation you can't help, and I won't let anyone hurt you, Erik the least. My dear, I know he can be so kind and romantic, but please be honest! Did he really hurt you?

Oh, dear worrying sister of mine… - I smiled at her nearly against my will. I did not know why I called her sister suddenly. Maybe because her protectiveness towards me and her blonde hair reminded me of Bron, my best friend and sister online.

She did something I could not have imagined she would do: she hugged me to herself, and petted my ears with her thumb, with so much love it was only imaginable from a real sibling.

I always wished to have a sister. - She stated, being all touched.

Me too. - I admitted. - I am an only child.

So am I. - She sighed. - Papa always wanted another girl as well, as he once admitted. But we were poor enough… oh, dear, so now, as we are sisters, please be honest with me, my dear! Did Erik hurt you?

I briefly told her about the story behind our relationship with Erik, so she will be able to see clearly, from the beginning to nowadays, not making anything even nicer or worse than they were, telling her the slaps I got, but also the reasons behind them, and the fact Erik was trying to change to the best of his abilities. I told her about our church visit, and Erik finding God again, his proposal, and the fact he chose to be a Hungarian nowadays.

I never let him talk in Swedish to me. - She admitted. - When he said something I pretended I did not hear it, or replied in French.

Why?

Because… at first when he told me his name was Erik, I… was happy he might be a Scandinavian heritage as well, just as I am. But after knowing him better, and I am not only referring to his face now, I did not wish to be from the same nation and I did not want him to talk to me on my native. He must have understood as he stopped attempting it for good. But… it seems like he is either not the Erik I got to know during those months any more… or that our relationship was just miserable from the beginning. But if it is so as you tell me, my dear, then Erik really acts better towards you… but he still has to learn some things.

I agree, he is not perfect. - I nodded.

Far from it.

But neither am I. - I said.

Yet you need to have much more self confidence, Juti. - Christine warned me seriously, but kindly. - You need to learn how to be more independent and dare to stand up for yourself against him.

I agree. Actually Erik is a bit too sovinist for my taste. - I admitted. - He doesn't want me to teach as he is the proud man and he has to support the family and such. It is so last century.

It is! - She snorted. - Don't let him order you around! Follow your own path, and if teaching makes your life complete, I don't understand why could you not do so!

Forgive me for asking, but does Raoul tell you what to do?

Of course not. We talk things through, but if I want to do something, he can't deny me to do so. He did not like the idea of me coming back to Paris either back in October and now either. But I am not a maid or a property of anyone, not even my husband. I am his wife, not his property, and you are not Erik's property either.

You know… now that you clearly do not wish to have Erik back as a lover…

Oh, Heaven forbid, no…

So… - I continued. - I have to tell you that I admire you for being so strong. You saved yourself from Erik. You are a hero.

Oh, dear. - She smiled. - I try my best to be strong and help others to the best of my ability, and to be honest I found you sympathetic at the first sight. And now, reading you were in trouble, I had to interfere. I had to make sure you are safe.

Oh thank you. - I dried my eyes of tears of happiness for being important to someone.

And remember, whenever you need help, please write to me and I am here the next day to deal with that grumpy old man.

I thought you were afraid of him.

Afraid? - She laughed out. - No. I just do not like the thought of meeting him. And I know if I met you while he was around, he sure would have played the role of the pitiful broken creature and you would have ended up comforting HIM.

How do you know? - I tilted my head to the side.

He is the master of manipulation, remember. Never forget this. I believe that he has honest feelings towards you, just I ask you to keep your eyes open. And alert me if needed.

Could I ask a favor from you, Christine? - I wondered.

Yes.

If it does not give you too hard feelings, would you meet Erik?

For a few seconds she was thinking, but after maybe a minute she nodded, and replied:

I believe we need to see each other for one more time to talk about both ourselves and you.

Me?

Yes, dear. - She nodded confidently. - You are such a naive and meek girl. You don't always dare to stand up for yourself. But if I am there to support you, I am sure Erik won't start ordering you around and will learn to respect your will.

Oh! Reign of women! - I exclaimed and burst out in a silly giggle, and Christine laughed as well.

We agreed about going to the house by the lake by the evening, when Erik sure will arrive home and we shall talk to him together. Until that, we spent the afternoon by getting to know each other better with Christine. We talked about our childhood, our interests and goals in life. We found out to have much in common, and I realized Christine was more serious and confident than me, yet she was younger than me. I considered her as an older sister despite the age difference between us. Finally we opened up to each other, and I made a friend. It was a good thing to know I had someone to talk to, and even though the Daroga was a very kind man, I found Christine much closer to me, since she was closer to my age, and was a girl, affter all.

By the end of the afternoon we were just like sisters, and I did not feel I had no one other than Erik any more.

 **Erik's diary**

 _Juti wasn't home yet when I arrived home from the construction, and she did not buy the things I requested for cooking today's dinner either. What has happened? Did she get injured? It never happened before that she disappeared for the whole day and did not return… and the fact she did not come home from shopping indicated she was involved in an accident._

 _After I looked for her in each of the rooms, and searched for at least a note written by her to me, and I could not find any, I was even surer there was a huge problem, so I just wanted to turn around and run upstairs to attempt to search her in Paris when I suddenly heard her giggling, and then a "sssh" sound, as she was silencing someone. At least I know she was alive, and I did not have to search for her. I was waiting for her to appear in the house and explain her lateness. She won't put in the window what she gets for it, that's for sure. I was in a bad mood for that, to be honest, yet I arrived home in such a good mood… I wished to inform her the house was all ready to move in finally, but her disappearence ruined my mood._

 _Salut! - She jumped through the front door as I heard, a few minutes later, and was heading towards the kitchen. - Erik, sweetie, are you home?_

 _I am. - I informed her, stepping inside the kitchen where she ran into. - Good evening. - I pointed out the late hour she finally managed to get home at. - Where were you?_

 _I did shopping. - She replied matter of factly. - I bought everything you asked for… mustard…_

 _And you went to Dijon to get that damned mustard, eh? - I groaned. - On foot?_

 _Oh, yes… sorry I am late. I did not mean to come home so late, but we talked a bit much._

 _We?_

 _Yes. I made a friend._

 _I felt ashamed, looking at how happy she was, announcing me she found someone to talk to. If I have no one else to talk to and she is the only one I can count on always, but I have to admit it wasn't healthy at all, and she sure has to have her own life other than me. I can't keep her chained to myself… Erik has to learn other people exist…_

 _Yet…_

 _I had to find out something else as well before we could go on with the evening. I did not plan to scold her for making a friend, on the contrary, but she has to learn about social norms of the time period she lives in. She is from another, more liberal century, and I am not allowing her to make a scandal._

 _Is that new friend of yours is a man or a woman?_

 _You will meet them in seconds. - She replied._

 _You took someone HERE? - I gasped in shock._

 _She could have waited until we move, damn it! She takes her friends to my lair! And I wasn't even wearing my mask… I wasn't in a state to receive guests…_

 _Don't worry Erik, she already knows the house. And you._

 _What? - I rolled my eyes, trying to understand what was going on when someone stepped in, and…_

 _Good evening, Erik._

 _I thought I would never hear that voice again, but as soon I heard it, I did not need to turn around to know who Juti's new friend was. Though as I turned to face her, and I saw Christine standing in front of me in life size, and I was able to see her beautiful shining blonde locks, my heart started beating rapidly and I suddenly felt shame about my uncovered face. I tried to lift my hands in front of my skull head, to block her view on me and I felt suddenly disoriented… I wasn't able to form coherent words, only stuttered some meaningless nonsense, and her name… and suddenly everything went black._

 _When I came to my senses again I was placed on the sofa in the salon. I wasn't surprised. Contrary to me being surrounded only "helpless" women, I knew Christine was strong enough to drag me away from somewhere if she really wanted, as she did before, and Juti was capable of way more than one can imagine from a girl if she was scared or worried enough. They were examining me and to my surprise I heard them talking about me._

 _I did not think he'd faint. - Juti said._

 _I knew he will. - Christine shook her head and chuckled. God, she was amused by my reaction!_

 _And now what? - Juti went on._

 _We wait for him to regain his senses again and then we will talk to him._

 _About what? - I sat up, not being able to figure out what the Hell was happening._

 _Erik, I introduce my new friend, Madame Christine de Chagny. - Juti pointed at Christine and they both burst out in a laughter, hugging each other._

 _At least you are not fighting, I am glad. - I shrugged. I did not really know wat to react about them being so close friends suddenly, I was partly glad they did not start to pull each other's hair, but it pained me to see Christine, and the fact she laughed about me. I was just a miserable creature to her, and she was mocking me._

 _I wish to talk to you. - Christine suddenly turned more serious, her usual way of acting overcame her temporary amusement._

 _Do you? - I tilted my head to the side. - This is why you came here?_

 _Yes. - She nodded. - I am sorry I laughed earlier. You were just so much yourself I could not help. It reminded me of the things I liked about you._

 _I could not figure out what to reply to this confession, so I nodded shortly. Christine liking me the slightest was a bit of new to me, and I seriously did not know what to say. All of this was a bit of too much for me and if I wasn't so ashamed of Christine's opinion about my drinking habits if she finds it out, I'd have felt the need to have a huge sip of the rum I always had in my pocket for emergencies like these. It was strange how much more open I was in front of Juti, just now I realized I did not give a second thought about drinking in front of her, and I'd sank in shame in front of Christine to do so. Also I got surprised how much Juti knows me already, as she hurried out to the kitchen to bring me a glass of water. I was thankful for the water- it was at least something, even though I yearned for something way stronger._

 _I wanted to stand up after I drank, as it was impolite for a man to sit if women were standing in the same room, but Christine kindly informed me I did not have to, and she sat down next to me on the sofa. So did Juti, only to the other side. I have never been to a situation like this before- sitting on the same sofa with two women around me and to tell the truth, this made me feel a bit of uncomfortable, like I was caged, but it was great as well. I felt such a Don Juan- sitting with TWO women!_

 _The conversation between us was a bit of uncomfortably funny, I can describe it as such. Christine informed me she received a letter from a parisian good friend, who told her I was abusing Juti both mentally and physically. I could have sworn immediately who that stranger was, and though I imagined various tortures to repay him for it in the future, I won1t harm the Daroga. Partly because Juti begged me later not to, and because he did me some good service- he gave me an opportunity to see Christine once more._

 _Christine, contrary to what I had done to her before, was an angel, as anytime in the past. She was caring, compassionate and forgiving. She had sent me a message with Juti before that she hoped I found inner peace and she did not have hard feelings against me. I think we needed this talk, so that both of us could close this relationship in the past forever. No, I am sure: I am not in love with Christine and would not want to have her beside me not even now as I saw her._

 _We talked about different subjects, and much of them included Juti. Christine did not accuse me, unlike the Daroga, of selfishness, yet Christine kindly explained me I had to give Juti more freedom, as I can't cage her like a songbird. I know well: I just wanted to do this to Christine, and now to Juti as well. Yet Christine explained with so much patience and love as she was talking to a misbehaving child. She did not scold- she did teach me. To be good._

 _After I worked things out with the girls, Christine wanted to leave, but suddenly I yearned for her voice… I needed to ask her this once again before she leaves me for good!_

 _Christine…- I started. - Would you sing for Erik… one more time?_

 _I thought she was going to reject my wish, so I just waited for her answer, not daring to look at her, but she stood next to the piano obediently, like on our singing lessons in this house, showing me she was willing to grant my wish._

 _What do you wish to hear, Erik? - She smiled. - Yet I have to tell you I am not in shape. - She added with a hint of bashful blush. - I haven't sang much in the past year._

 _Just start something, my dear, I will be happy for anything._

 _Christine was surprised. I hardly ever let her chose what to sing. I was way more allowing in this matter as well towards Juti, she was free to sing whatever she wanted - I sometimes even accompanied "Wishing you were somehow here again" or "Think of me" from the Webber musical, though I disliked both songs._

 _Christine smiled at me and started singing The Jewel Song from Faust._

 **Juti' s POV**

I wasn't jealous about Christine and Erik any more. I knew, seeing Erik's reaction that he did not want to be with Christine either, and Christine sure wanted to have Raoul as a husband, not Erik.

Our small talk seemed to work out with Erik - he promised us he was going to be much more allowing towards me, I shall receive more freedom in my decisions, and he promised me he will let me teach if it was my wish. I was happy for it and the fact we made friends with Christine. Also, I was thankful Erik won't harm the Daroga for alerting Christine…

But the best thing wasn't this about tonight.

I heard Christine sing the Jewel Song from Faust, and unlike in my nightmare earlier, Erik wasn't drooling about her, the only emotion I could see in his eyes was devotion and love - for music! I saw the same glance in his eyes whenever he heard good music… if I was able to see at all from tears in my eyes. Christine had a beautiful voice and great singing technique- she made me cry with happiness. And the best thing I wasn't jealous about her voice- I was happy and cheering for her in my soul. We both clapped with Erik as she finished, but Christine only slightly bowed and said:

I ask a production in exchange. - She gave a small laugh.

Okay, Erik sings, I accompany. - I offered.

Other way around. - Erik stated.

Why? - I gasped.

Because Christine heard me sing many times before, but never heard you.

There is nothing worthy on me to be heard. - I looked around nervously.

Do you perhaps belittle my hard work of teaching you for months? - Erik snorted.

I saw there was no need to argue, Erik had already made up his mind, and he wanted to show off my skills, and maybe me to gain some self confidence from singing in front of a real audience. I nodded and took Christine's place by the piano's side and Christine sat down facing me.

Mozart? - I asked Erik hopefully.

Always? - He shook his head. - Harder. - He added.

What in the name of sweet Strauss's fiddle might be harder than Mozart? Especially the Alleluia from Exsultate, jubilate?

No. - He replied firmly.

He started the accompaniment of the Doll song from Tales of Hoffmann. We did not even consider learning this before!

You crazy? - I retorted.

Sing! - He snapped. - I KNOW you can do it!

His unusual way of encouragement and the fact he tried to bother my pride by making me race with a trained opera singer with literally one of the hardest arias ever somehow gave me power instead of the usual self doubt, so finally I started singing.

It was, of course, not flawless. I wasn't always able to hold notes and my vibrato was sometimes yet flawed, but I did the best to my abilities. My strong spots were high notes due to my childishly high pitched voice anyway, and I tried to act out what I was singing to make me forget about having an audience.

Christine congratulated me as I finished, and they both clapped… They encouraged me… Erik PRAISED me. It was the most unusual thing ever. He did not even list my mistakes this time…

Even when Christine parted, she reassured me I was fantastic with singing, and I shall never ever give up. She gave me her address and told me she sadly had to travel back to Sweden to reunite with Raoul, but to her address I can, and shall write often. She kissed me twice on the cheeks, just as friends do, and she gave Erik a handshake.

And to top the awesomeness this day, Erik informed when we were just the two of us, that our house just got finished. We were finally able to move from the House by the Lake. I knew he was waiting for this day eagerly, and though I sure will miss the trapdoors and secret passages, I know a normal couple shall live in a normal house.

This was a long but awesome day!


	51. Poser or Composer?

_Erik's diary_

 _31_ _st_ _May, 1882_

 _Oh, Lord…_

 _When I thought we were already fine and happy together, starting a new life, moving to our new home, are about to get married and we are in love which can't be broken by anything, I am here now, alone in my room, among half filled boxes of my everyday necessities, in the middle of a moving session, which could easily be pointless right now, as I made a huge mistake._

 _Who thought a small half joking remark could cause such a disaster?_

 _She gave a small remark about my works, which threw me in a fit of rage and I lost my temper with her yet again, and I said many things to her I should not have said... I know she did not mean to hurt me, now looking back, she only wanted to compliment my works, on her unique and childishly weird way, but it escalated to a nasty fight between us, because I still can't hold my ugly deformed mouth…_

 _When we were packing the things I kept in my desk drawers she started humming one of my compositions she found. I praised her for her sightreading skills and moved on, putting the papers in one of the boxes, but she stopped moving. She was staring at the sheet music and finally looked up at me, questioningly._

 _\- Erik, this is awesome. – She stated._

 _\- Thank you. – I replied, but did not want to bother too much._

 _\- What's your plan with it? – She asked._

 _\- We keep it. Put it here. – I pointed at the box in front of me._

 _\- But… I mean later?_

 _\- When later?_

 _\- I don't know. – She scratched her head. – Don't you want to publish it?_

 _\- No way. – I shook my head. – All my works shall be burned after my death, save for Don Juan Triumphant, which shall be buried with me. – I stated my last will to her, and hoped we finished this conversation. Of course, it wasn't so easy with Juti._

 _\- Why don't you want to publish them? – She went on._

 _\- Must I reason everything to you? As I said, if I die, burn all of them and put Don Juan in my coffin with me. End of story._

 _\- As you imagine… - she shrugged. -When you die I'll publish all your works. – She giggled. – No way will I burn them._

 _That is where I ran out of my patience and sadly my short temper came to surface, yet I was able to count to ten still. I took a sharp breath and grabbed her arm to make her face me and pulled her up to the level of my own height so she will look into my eyes._

 _\- Dare you say it again? – I held her so close her nose would have touched mine if I had one._

 _\- Erik, I don't know why it makes you so worked up. – She tried to retreat now, but it was too late. – Anyway the world can't be deprived of your genius… - She added. She maybe hoped she will make me calm down by flattery, but that never worked with me._

 _\- I don't WANT the world to see my genius! – I spat with anger. – Can't you repsect my last will?_

 _\- I just don't get why would it hurt you after your death… you won't know about it any more._

 _To be honest until this point I could have managed to get away without yelling, but this sentence, and the fact she was planning to completely disregard my last will made me lose my mind with growing fury and I had to release her as I was seriously afraid I was going to slap her yet again, as I did before. Slapping was something I wished to avoid by all costs, but the words left my lips in my sudden rage were more painful for her than a slap combined with the piano's edge, I am sure._

 _\- Why do you wish to publish MY works? Huh? Publish YOURS and get your nose out of my business until you have one!_

 _\- Oh, Erik, please…- She would have wanted to beg me to calm down, but I was too angry to pay attention, and sadly my fury exploded on her like gunpowder._

 _\- I KNOW WHY you don't publish your works! You need mines as yours are complete mediocre rubbish no one ever would publish! Warn me, if by any kind of disaster you will have a concert, to put cotton in my ears! That way my smile will be honest while listening to your Mozart copies save of any original ideas, you LITTLE POSER! You think you are a composer? Measuring and constructing measures by liners and compasses while copying Bach and Mozart is NOT composing! It does not replace TALENT to know their style! YOU ARE A POSER!_

 _She gasped, and walked to an armchair as she had to sit down from the shock she just went through. I finally fell silent, looking at her, but it was already too late. I knew, I already realized what I said. She was so insecure about her talents anyway, and I just yelled at her calling her names I would never ever call her by… or so I thought._

 _I walked to her and did not know what to say, really. An "I am sorry" would already be too late and too little. One can't always make everything better by an apology and there are things that can't be forgiven. I think belittling is one of those. And I wasn't good with apologizing anyway. I either did not say a word or just always expected the hurt person to forgive and forget what I did, or I fell into the other extreme, crawling on my hands and knees in front of the feet of Christine or Juti, apologizing, begging them to forgive me, and asking them to hit me in return…_

 _This wasn't a suitable time for the latter as if I just really did what I wanted to, at that time, I know I would just have ruined things even more by throwing a tantrum, making drama on the top of the things I have already said. But a simple "Forgive me" wasn't enough… and it was so hard to say anyway, my throat closed up when I wanted to open my mouth to apologize. I just stood there, awkwardly staring at her, as if I went mute._

 _She looked up at me with a sad, but understanding expression, and just nodded slowly. Tears were forming in her eyes, then she stood up and softly said:_

 _\- Yo are right._

 _Then walked out of the room and shut the door._

 _I am not sure what to do now. How should I tell her I meant nothing of what I said? She already knows me and she knows I often say things I don't mean out of anger, but her self confidence is already low enough without outrages like these. I knew if I praised her for a year without an end from today she would not believe me for a second just because of the sentences I yelled at her ten minutes earlier. There are no words to heal the wounds I made in her soul. I so would just put coal on my tongue to make me suffer, or wish I had received vocal cord inflammation which would take my voice for at least a week just before I opened my mouth to say those things to her…_

 _When will I finally learn to think before I speak?_

 _I have been trying to find a solution through all of the afternoon. Buying things for her would mean nothing. It is not a sin I could solve with gifts. Money isn't almighty. Erik would need some brain and lots of patience. If only he was kinder… if only he did not yell nonsense when he is angry…_

 _Of course, she wasn't a world famous composer and her works weren't like Beethoven's symphonies or Mozart's operas. But to be honest, who can reach that level? Sometimes in my arrogance I tend to say I do, but I am not that good either. I have my good moments, and I have my masterpiece, and some other good works, but looking back to my youth, I wasn't much better at her age either. It is easy to say I am the best composer of my time, after 30 years of active composing and much success and fails. I am 50 years old, I had time to learn and tutor myself. Poor thing is working so hard and what she got in a sudden outrage from the person she respects…? I am her tutor and I should rather encourage her, just as with singing…_

 _But I have to admit something:_

 _I am jealous. No, not for her talent. I am just as talented as she is, or even more, with my perfect pitch, improvisation skills, knowledge of musical forms and structures and practice of all the decades. She has perfect pitch but she is really just memorized some musical ideas she loved, and keeps using them, a bit variated and with other phrasings, but one can easily recognize the style notes of Viennese classical music that she listens to the most. She did not have her own style and did not know how to use different emotions in music… just as any young an inexperienced composers. Erik was the same way when he was young, and I was sure Juti will turn out to be better: and this is what I was jealous of. Erik was born talented but hideously ugly. If he had a face and a family like Juti, who received normal schooling and her talent was taken care of, he knows he could have turned out a world- famous and celebrated composer, just as he always imagined earlier in his life, but reality always gave him an enormous slap, making him realize it won't ever happen. And Juti has the opportunity to make her career, despite being a woman… because she is beautiful talented and… she would be ambitious as well if I did not just destroy her self confidence._

 _It is so disgusting to be jealous of your lover, and of such a cute and nice girl she was… shame is burning my face and makes my tears flow. I should go to search where she was and apologize until I can, however hard it might be._

 _When I walked out of my room I could not find Juti in the salon, and not even in her room. Some papers were thrown on the floor, torn in pieces. They were the remainings of her newest compositions as I could see. I heard her experimenting the same melody I could still see some days ago on the piano. My heart sank with fear and shame, and I turned around to go outside of the room to search for her when I heard the piano being played._

 _The melody I heard was nothing like Juti's earlier compositions, but it reminded me a tiny bit of the piece she wrote on the wall of her prison in the cellar. That was melancholic and mournful as well, but not nearly as mature as this one she started playing. Finally I could recognize a style, an own language of music by her, not using other's ideas. She, by the shock, finally was able to find her inner spirit and ideas, not the out and overthinking, but her soul led the harmonies her small hands played on the keyboard, not thinking of anything else. It is the characteristic of a true composer. She just became one._

 _I slowly walked closer, not wanting to interrupt her, I just wished to listen to her, but suddenly I had an idea. Her phone was laying around on the dining table, I just had to lift it up and turn on the photography machine to record moving pictures. I was recording her playing and planned to show her her first true composition after she finishes. When she topped with a deep sigh I sat down on the piano bench next to her and wanted to show her the video, but suddenly I had another idea. I wished to make her reveal her own secret and realize she CAN compose, all by herself._

 _A composer does not need words to speak, only music, and once I did this to Juti earlier, when we were making peace, that I apologized through music. I hoped she can understand me again and can reply as well, in music. That way it will be easier for me, and maybe for her too. I started playing by the depths of my heart, closing my eyes, not to get distracted by anything. Only music and me, my primary language were there. The music was filled with my emotions: remorse, apology, admiration, and love. When I finished, I looked at her questioningly, but still did not say a word. I just confessed her everything, and a true musician shall understand._

 _I did not have to disappoint, she turned back to the piano, and hit a few keys. It sounded limke a question, being clueless and a hint of hurt: "Did you really mean it?"_

 _It was my turn again in our musical conversation, and I replied with a definite "No" . I added a few accords to exaggerate my remorse about what I said. I tried to depict the state I was in when I yelled at her so I finished the phrase with some furious rushing thrills._

 _She thankfully was able to understand music as a language, as she continued expressing her thoughts and emotions to me, starting in a lamenting little cry, but there was more and more hope shining in the melody she was improvising, then she suddenly stopped in the middle of it, looking at me. I think it was the point she understood it fully._

 _\- Erik, I did not even thnk the melody through. How can it sound good?_

 _\- You are playing with your heart, not your mind. – I nodded, explaining the matter._

 _\- Just as it should be…_

 _\- I was wrong. – I stated finally. – You ARE a composer. Definitely._

 _\- Am I? – She turned to me again with hopeful expression all over her face._

 _\- You are. You just found your style._

 _\- Do you like it? – She asked cautiously._

 _\- Your stlye? I do. But it shall not matter to you if I happen to like it or not. But… even if it wasn't so good I'd love it._

 _\- I am sorry I said I'd publish your works. – She put her hand on my shoulder, and I noticed some unknown maturity in her eyes, something I have never seen before. – I did not really mean it and if you wish I will burn them, though I will feel extremely sorry for them._

 _\- I think you have just grown up. – I replied, not bothering the subject of my compositions. – Thank you._

 _\- So you are not angry any more?_

 _\- No. – I shook my head. – My anger flew away when I realized what I said to you. Already too late. – I sighed._

 _\- I just think both of us need to change a bit. – She stated- You should not say things you don't mean in your anger, and I should not take you too seriously and take everything you say on me._

 _\- So you… you knew I did not mean it?_

 _\- I wasn't sure if you did or not, but it came to my mind that you used to call yourself a poser as well, Erik, once when you were stuck with a composition or something like that. And if you are a poser and you think I am too, I am happy to be on your level. – She smiled._

 _\- No. You just proved you are not. You made your own melody which I love. Listen!_

 _I played the video I recorded and she looked at the screen of her phone in awe for some minutes._

 _\- Did it really sound like this? I thought it was worse… this is quite good!_

 _\- It is perfect. – I corrected. – I love it._

 _\- Pity I don't remember the beginning any more. – She sighed. – I can't remember the things I improvise later._

 _\- I can. – I smiled. – Do you want me to write it down for you?_

 _\- You consider it worthy of being written down?_

 _\- Definitely. – I nodded. – And to be published._

 _\- Are you mocking me? – She tilted her head to the side suspiciously._

 _\- Never. – I hugged her, though I knew her question was valid. It is hard to forget if the person you respect the most hurts you badly._

 _\- Don't publish it. – She shook her head, but after she finally smiled again. – At least not yet. I have yet much to learn and if I want to publish anything, it shall be worthy of it. My masterpiece._

 _\- I kow that feeling._

 _\- You know… maybe you think I only wish to be a composer because of my love for Mozart and you. But I have to admit I composed even in my childhood, I just did not know what I was doing. I used to hear music in my head, and I remember I loved to sing and clap. I just THOUGHT I wasn't interested in music, and only Mozart's Sleigh Ride led me on the road I already started unintentionally. Since I turned 9 years old I was dreaming of becoming a composer one day._

 _\- You will be, my dear. – I nodded reassuringly. – You will be. I swear to God I am going to help you to achieve your goals and will never ever say anything hurtful to you not even in an outrage, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me._

 _\- I was never angry. – She stated. – I hoped deep down in my heart that you did not mean it. You were angry._

 _\- Thankfully you already know me. – I laughed out shortly. – So, may I hope you will still become my wife?_

 _\- Of course. – She nodded. – We will be composer couple, talking in music._

 _\- Good idea. – I nodded. – I much prefer singing than speaking. And as you know, Haydn said music was the only language everyone understands. Shall we continue packing then, sweetie?_

 _\- Yes. – She nodded smiling._

 _As we walked back to my room and we collected and put the sheet music in the box, I suddenly had yet another idea and turned to Juti._

 _\- Juti dear…_

 _\- Yes? – She looked at me with interest._

 _\- Did you ever teach anything else than English?_

 _\- No. – She shook her head. – Uh, wait, I mean… I gave some music lessons once to a woman who applied to school to be a kindergarten teacher. I just taught her to scales and singing some folk music._

 _\- So you are music teacher as well? Hm? Dear little singing bird._

 _\- I always wanted to teach music. – She sighed dreamily._

 _\- Why not? – I chuckled. – Why could you not, my sweetness?_

 _\- You think I could? – She stared at me with hope._

 _\- Yes, indeed my little coworker. And I think I already know a pupil for you._

 _\- Really? – She gasped in excitement. – Who?_

 _\- He is a very good friend of mine, and always wished to learn to play an instrument and the basics of music. He is a huge music enthusiast and spends his life at the Opera._

 _\- Wait, the… Daroga?_

 _\- Mhm. – I nodded. – He always nagged me to teach him some songs oon the piano. I never had enough patience for him, as he is, I warn you, tone deaf. But maybe if you could teach him "Ah vous dirai-je Maman" on the piano, and explain him how scales work, he'd be happy. I can't do so without the urge of killing him, but you are much more patient._

 _\- Erik, nothing would give me more pleasure. – She grinned._

 _\- That's great. – I nodded. – I have to talk to him anyway in a few days, for another reason._

 _So finally, we made peace and I am so happy to know I did not cause serious injuries in Juti's soul. Though I shall watch my tongue the next time. Oh Juti, I love you, my little musician._


	52. Clearing up Issues

_18th June '882_

 _Oh, these past few weeks were tiring indeed. I did not have the time to write a journal as I was so busy getting ready for moving out of the House by the Lake for good and NEVER ever return. I did not even have the time to die, maybe that's why I am still alive and did not die of overstraining myself. But hurry and fuss WORTH it as I don't ever have to go back to the Opera which I called my home for a decade, as I felt I needed to stay content with that cellar, and I should not yearn for a normal home for myself._

 _I was so- so tired of living five floors underground in a dark damp moldy cellar, slowly going insane by the lack of light, fresh air and the constant need of illuminating the rooms at broad daylight and by the fact I had to look at my watch in every hour not to lose track of time. Moreover, that bat cave was nearly impossible to heat up during winters. Juti always complains I keep the house too warm for her taste, but I am cold even with all the fireplaces working sometimes. I do hope this problem stops happening in here…_

 _Yes, HERE!_

 _As I can happily say we are at home! Our new home, which is wholly done and furnished, and all our necessities are finally here. I still have to unpack some boxes, but the majority of the work is already done. I am glad to finally be through this all moving – how I loathe to move, I cannot express. All the fuss with the packing… And I am sorry to say so, but Juti is terrible at packing things. I fill up a box with exactly twice as much things than her, so I had to adjust everything she put in the boxes to save up space._

 _I did not even think I had so much necessities I got for myself over the years. As I did not wish to have so many unnecessary things with me, I made another huge cleanup of my belongings. For example the things I kept in my storage room were to stay there for good. They were mostly things I saved from my Mother's house. Handkerchiefs, dresses, shoes of all kinds, books she loved to read but I found too boring, and so on. Most of them were never used. The dresses weren't Juti's size and even if they were, they were way out of fashion by now. I also had to clean up the papers from the desk drawers, which made me realize Juti was just as clingy to stupid memories and inanimate objects as I was. She fought with me over each scrap of sheet music, claiming they would be "good for later" or "too good to throw away". I had to ask her many times not to bother the pile I labelled as "trash" and not to save up anything from there. I almost left the Christmas decoration box in the storage room, not totally accidentally, but Juti thinks of everything, so Christmas ornaments come as well. So… finally I was partly able to let go of the past. Not all of Mother's stupid belongings were packed… I feel I saved even more things still than I should have needed and I am sure I am not going to use all of the objects I finally packed away to keep, but it was a good enough start._

 _Dissembling, carrying and reassembling furniture was also a pain in the butt, but it was to be expected. I had to do this earlier as well, and hopefully I do not have to do it anymore in my life. The thing which annoyed me even more was I constantly had to repeat everything over and over to Juti, who seems to sit on her ears when she wants to prove me something._

" _Put it down. It is heavy. No you cannot lift it up. I told you. Don't pull, rather push, if you have to. You are not allowed to lift heavy things, how many times I have to tell you?"_

 _And so on, and so on. She knows well she isn't allowed to lift up things heavier than five kilograms as her operated eyes can get damaged from great effort and she goes blind. But no, she has to show me she is hardworking and strong enough to move, for example the piano. The goddamned grand piano even I have trouble moving as a grown – up man who had spent his life carrying heavy things. And she, as a young and physically unhealthy girl wants to prove me she can be helpful and always chooses the heaviest things possible to carry. She kept reminding me of my age when I wanted to move something, just as if I wasn't sure I am old. Thank you for the reminder, my love…_

 _We had help, of course, partly because I did not want this little silly to really overstrain herself at a point, and because I could really use some help – other than hers. Of course, I had someone who always helped me, though I did not think he will agree this time, especially after I nearly killed him a few months back, but he offered his help… because of only Juti as he stated. He was always this strict looking and I know he never means what he says. I can't take him seriously any more. Neither can he take me seriously mostly, so we are fine together, not really trusting, but mostly helping each other. As I noticed, he is a bit of cautious and afraid of me, but I could tell this about anyone else I know save for Juti._

 _She was never truly afraid of me, and nowadays I think she thinks me as her cuddly skeleton baby she can pamper all the way she wants to. And I had to realize Juti really liked the House by the Lake._

 _While we were moving furniture I noticed Juti walking around in the rooms, seemingly examining them for a last time just as if she was saying good bye to this miserable place of my endless solitude and sufferings. I wondered how she could love this tomb, when I always hated it more than anything. I could not wait to finally finish moving, and she looked a bit of sad she had to leave this place. I aged 25 years in here in the past decade._

 _Yet saying goodbye wasn't all about walking up and down in the house. Of course, she had to make trouble. While I was moving the desk from my room I noticed my bag was missing from the organ. The keys… and I already knew where they were. Of course! She was wandering around in the torture chamber with her phone, using it as a lantern. She at least left the door open._

\- _What are you doing? – I moaned in displeasure, of course not like I did not notice it. She was already examining the Punjab string, trying to guess how it works. – Don't you have anything else to play with?_

\- _I just was curious. – She walked next to me, still carrying the string. – Will you teach me how it works?_

\- _Shall I show it on you or what? - I snorted._

\- _Rather not on me._

\- _I have already told you it is dangerous. And what are you doing in my forest?_

\- _You never showed it to me, though I know where you keep the key and I could not leave the house without looking around in here._

\- _You will once kill yourself with your inquisitivity. – I sighed, shaking my head._

 _I knew I had to keep an eye at her always, as she had already tried to enter the house through the Torture Chamber from 3_ _rd_ _cellar and only God helped her not to smash her skull against something or fall into the lake, and though she wasn't able to swim, she tried to row standing as she saw it from me, which made me yell at her for half an hour afterwards. The problem was she already got used to my temper and she wasn't any more afraid of me, which was partly pleasing, but I felt she did not take me too much seriously any more. She knew that I yell at her for some time, calling her various things in my outrage and I gasp and stop yelling if she unexpectedly hugs or kisses me, and as she found out my weak spot and knew I would not hurt her after such an act took away most of my power in her eyes._

 _She looked around once more in the now empty Louis-Philippe room and walked after me obediently when I took her hand._

\- _Come as you will end up causing trouble for yourself. I give you a task: you will need to keep an eye at the things we leave temporarily in the cellars._

 _I really could not give her other task to do, but I at least hoped she will stop working her little mind on insane little expeditions staying with the furniture. She could do terrible things when she was bored and had nothing to do and her fantasy kicked in. Just like me in a way. Oh how many times I did something stupid because I was bored… Boredom is the playground of the devil, I daresay._

 _Mohammed- Ismael was watching Juti and me suspiciously most of the time, yet I did not care about him too much. If I cared, I'd have made sure he regrets that letter in which he miscalled me, though nowadays I have to admit it was for a reason he did not trust me anymore, and maybe this fact helped me to shut my face. I did not want comfrontations. Seemingly neither did the Daroga, thankfully. He was surprisingly silent and less nosy compared to his usual self. He was only observant, but that was to be expected after so many years he spent as a chef of police. Sometimes I saw surprise in his glance as I talked to Juti or gave her smaller tasks to help us without causing her too much physical work, and the Persian fool seeme like sometimes he did not believe his eyes._

 _We had to spend weeks together with him, and day by day he became kinder to me, noticeably. I did not know what has gotten into him, maybe he is turning an old sentimental with the years. He isn't turning any younger either, of course, yet he is still younger than me by two years- I am the oldest of this group… I don't even dare to think about this fact._

 _As we finally finished furnishing the music room as well, the first unexpected music lesson took place between Juti and the Daroga and it made me learn something:_

 _Juti is an excellent teacher._

 _Remembering back the old days in Persia when he nagged me to teach him to play music I had to make the conclusion he was utterly hopeless and tone deaf. Even if he tried to whistle he ended up being off key, he had no sense of rhythm, he was untrainable. He made me lose my patience several times, though it wasn't hard as I was much less patient in my youth…_

 _Yet I had to face the reality that Juti was able to make him play music. By the end of the first lesson she succeeded in teaching the old fool the main melody of "Frére Jacques" by right hand and she was helping him with the accompaniment by left hand, just as she did it to me when I had my arm broken. It was a miracle she got so far with him in one single lesson (though it lasted for two hours)…Back in Persia I was struggling to make him understand the concept of scales and tonality, as it was required for later practicing and etudes, but Juti reached the subject from another point of view. We don't need scales for hobby music, she said. Why would a person who does not want to play music as a profession, shall know about music theory and be able to read sheet music? True, I have to agree that hobby musicians don't necessarily need these knowledges, and I know they are not requirements for playing IF said person has a moderate hearing and musical talent, but I did not consider the Daroga to have any kind of talent, so I would rather choose to teach him the basics first, but I had to realize Juti's method worked better with the Daroga than mine._

 _She was playing games, just as she usually did so, and playfully taught the old Persian cop. I know about the concepts of teaching someone by playing with them, but I never liked this method, it never fit me. An old skeleton won't fool around, blindfolding a person and asking them if the note he heard was higher or lower than the other one. Yet it worked. Also she teaches the Daroga to clap back rhythm patterns and to (oh Lord help me) sing back what she had sang earlier. My ears are still in pain after the last session of that sort, but I have to admit the Daroga is developing. Slowly but steady. And Juti is so enthusiast about giving lessons. This is going on for two weeks, the Persian shows up in my home every afternoon and spends a good 1.5 hours with Juti and learns._

 _I do not interfere in these lessons as they are not my business, but I like to passively examine them. I sit here in my favorite armchair in the salon, pretending I am reading, and I am listening and watching them in the neighboring room as they have a lesson. I don't show my excitement about the Persian's progress, and sometimes I can't help sending sarcastic little remarks about his abilities to him as I carry them tea or coffee after they finish. I always do as a polite host, shall I not be remarked about not being kind enough to guests._

 _Today, as I again showed up with a tray and a pot of coffee with three cups, the Daroga happily announced me he was now able to play another song. I nodded and dryly congratulated him, but put my hand on Juti's shoulder and patted it._

\- _It is only because you have a marvelous teacher. – I smirked and looked at my dear little lover who seemed to get much surprised and shyly covered her face after my remark._

\- _It is true. – The Persian nodded. – Without you I'd never have learned these things as your dear husband to be never bothered to show me._

\- _I am impatient. – I admitted with a sigh. – Did you really call me her "husband to be"? – I added with a sudden realization. – I thought you did not want the relationship between us to turn any more serious._

\- _There was a time I was worried about her safety. – He nodded._

\- _Just talk about me as I wasn't even here, guys. – Juti sent us a half sarcastic giggle, shrugging. – You maybe could even switch to Farsi or Russian or any other language I can't speak._

\- _You CAN speak Russian, my life and its meaning. – I pointed at her. – You were reading my copy of Anegin the other day, out loud. Not the most perfect pronunciation and intonation, but you were fairly good at it._

\- _I only know the alphabet. – She admitted. – I had no idea what I was reading._

\- _I would better be careful with your language learning skills as you might end up learning phrases in a language you hear a lot. I noticed you have excellent memory._

\- _Thank you. – She blushed again._

\- _You are lucky to have this kind hearted young and talented lady with you, you old troublemaker. – The Persian cop replied._

\- _Indeed, I am. – I nodded, smiling at her, and I stroke her hand with the most thankfulness and adoration I was capable of._

\- _Do you still plan to marry her? – He inquired yet again._

\- _My intents never change._

\- _He just delays it always. – Juti snorted with disappointment. – I would be his wife for months if he did not want to finish this house first, and still I am not sure what he is waiting for._

 **Juti's POV**

Erik looked at me with surprise and a bit of discomfort at my remark but after he smiled at me and stroke my hair with a trembling hand. I really did not know what we were waiting for. If I knew it right we still had to wait some time, maybe months after we applied for a civil wedding, as I knew it was 3 months with 2010s Hungarian law. If it works like this here as well, I really don't know wat are we waiting for still.

The house was all furnished, we bought even new furniture, for example a desk in my room which I was all thankful for, as the furniture from the House by the Lake were already too little amount for this huge house. Now everything was fine, we were living there for two weeks, and Erik tok back the stupid habit of making me sleep separatedly from him, only by the time I got used to us sleeping together. I also received a single bed in my room, it perfectly fit, sadly. Yet a cottage piano did not, thanks the damned single bed thank God. I am not getting to the piano from him lately, only when I have a lesson. I WANT an own piano. This happens with two musicians and one instrument.

\- So what are we waiting for, sweetie? – I asked again, demanding a reply.

\- We will talk about this later. – He informed me shortly.

\- No. – I shook my head.

\- Not in front of the Daroga, please. – He switched back to Hungarian, as this was a language the Persian did not speak.

\- I think he is freaked out. I think he is coward and got scared of marriage, don't you think? – I turned to the Daroga, speaking in French.

Erik was shaking, I don't know if from fury or nervousness, but finally he just collapsed on the piano bench, with a deep sigh.

\- Two withnesses are needed for a wedding. Both in a civil marriage and at church. As you are not baptized, church wedding isn't an option. Yet I'd only need TWO people for the wedding, because I was so goddamned popular in all my life, I can't exactly search up for TWO other people.

\- Here is one. – The Persian pointed at himself.

\- You? – Erik gasped. – You swore to Allah you will never ever help me with this when I asked you a few weeks before.

\- Erik, I am not going to lie. – The Persian sighed. – I know you for a long time, and the things you committed earlier with Mademoiselle Daaé… you know why I said what I said. But… looking at you two in these past weeks made me change my mind a bit. I see you love this kind girl and she loves you too. I am still not a hundred percent sure you are the perfect couple, but you are trying hard. And… if it is still your intent, I am going to offer my help with this.

\- Huzzah! – I jumped up and hugged the Daroga, and kissed him on the cheeks to thank him. – Hear me Erik, we have your best man.

\- And you? – Erik asked with an awkward little smile. – You… know no one.

\- As you imagine. – I snorted. – Who is my sister?

\- Oh no. – Erik sighed.

\- Yes yes yes. Or else I have no other idea.

\- She won't agree. – Erik shook his head.

\- I think she will if I ask her nicely.

\- She won't come here from Sweden.

\- She already did so for an issue with smaller importance. Her sister's wedding is a big enough event, isn't it?

\- True… - Erik scratched his head and let out a nervous chuckle. – Well… write to her… I can't… write nicely.

He stuttered, but after he stood up and walked to the Daroga, shook his hand with a grateful but nervous gesture, then bowed at him and came back to me to hug me close to himself to ease his mind.

\- Everything is fine sweety. – I tried to calm him. – Here is your little wife and we will finally get married.

\- I… I know… - He chuckled with tearful eyes. I could see his tears flowing down at the surface of his new human mask, and some of them flew under the mask, around his eyes. – Juti I am not afraid… on the contrary… I am happy… I could not belive it was going to happen… everything was against our plan… and I mistook them as signs… signs of we should not…

\- Oh, you are very superstitious sometimes. – I laughed out. – How can you synchronize this trait with your side as a man of Science?

\- I… I have a double personality… - He shook his head with a smile. – You know it already.

\- I do. And I love that about you just as I love anything about you.

Erik gently kissed my forehead and stroke my face with his thumb with such an adoration in his eyes that I could not help but hugged him tight. He got out of my hug after some seconds as he got embarrassed by the fact the Persian saw us, and stuttered something about he needed to take preparations to our wedding, and chuckled something about "having a ton of things to do", so he hurried out of the room.

When the door closed behind him, we looked at each other with the Persian and started laughing at Erik at the very same moment.


	53. In the Finish Line

After we spoke with Erik I wrote the letter to Christine to ask her if she accepted my request to be my bridesmaid on my small civil wedding which I am planning to have with Erik. I apologized that I maybe caused some inconveniences for her and assured her I was aware of the situation in which I was and knew Erik was the man I wished to marry, for hundred percent sure and she did not have to worry about my sanity and well- being.

I was anxiously waiting for her reply, and until that life was going on its usual pace and way- save for one circumstance. The Daroga and I weren't able to work out a solution regarding the lessons I gave him. He was improving slowly and steady in playing the piano and he was more and more thankful to me about it- and more and more uncomfortable regarding the payment. At the beginning we agreed about he had free music lessons, as I did not feel comfortable accepting money from him. He wasn't a rich man, I did not even know how much a music lesson did cost in late 19th century France, and the Daroga helped both me and Erik so much I did not feel right to ask for money in return. For some lessons the Daroga accepted the terms, as he later admitted to Erik, he did so because he did not think he was able to learn anything and we won't have more than three lessons, and that was acceptable for free. But as we had more and more occasions together he started feeling uncomfortable about "using me' and he often wished to give me money after a lesson but I never accepted it. There was a time he put a five franc bill on the piano, but I put it back in his coat pocket before he left. It was going on like this for long weeks.

One day Erik walked to me while I was playing the piano and knocked on my shoulder with his finger and when I turned back to face him he leaned closer to me and said with a tired smile:

\- Find out a price for the Daroga's lessons, he is nagging me to make you decide how much he should pay.

\- You know I don't want him to pay.

\- I do, but he doesn't feel well about it.

\- He should not be concerned.

\- He says he is using your talent.

\- He isn't. Why, am I using your talent? You teach me for free as well.

\- It is another thing, we are a couple.

\- But… you used to teach Christine for free as well.

\- The Angel of Music can't ask for payment, heavenly sent patrons have no material desires. – He sighed. – Not a good example.

\- True. – I shook my head. – But I still don't want his money.

\- Then ask something which isn't money but you want or need it. He won't feel like he is tutored for free then.

\- Hm… - I scratched my head, then I suddenly had an idea. – Erik, is it okay to ask for knowledge in return? It is for free as well, save for his time, but it is not money, yet has more value.

\- Greatest possible solution. – He nodded. – But what would you want to study he could teach you? Putting your nose in other's business?

I had to laugh because of Erik's sarcasm yet again, and I waved in the air.

\- Farsi language.

\- Must you? – Erik moaned. – It is a language I use to communicate with him about subjects I don't want you to understand.

\- And why are there subjects you don't want me to understand? – I retorted.

\- If you wish, then he will. – Erik nodded gracefully. – He will be happy to teach you. And you have great talent in learning languages. – He smiled.

\- I was always good at languages. – I smiled. – English and French were easy to learn. Do you think Farsi will be easy as well?

\- It isn't harder than most of the languages I learned, yet it was always easy for me to learn languages as well. I learned everything easily, and you have a sponge- like memory as well, so I think you will learn Farsi easily.

\- That is great. – I smiled. – Once I'd learn Russian too. I'd love to.

\- I can help with Russian. – He patted my shoulder. – I lived in Russia for two years, and I am fluent in the language.

\- Can you teach me the alphabet as well?

\- Of course, and my handwriting is actually more readable in Russian or Farsi than in European languages.

\- How do you do that?

\- I guess it is because I feel like drawing those letters rather than writing, so it turns out better. – He laughed shortly. – I honestly have no other idea.

\- And how many languages do you speak?

\- Many. Fluently I speak English, German, Latin, Italian, and nowadays, Hungarian now as I improved a lot, Russian, Farsi, Turkish and Greek. On intermediate level I can speak Spanish, Swedish (yes, because of Christine), Romanian, Polish, Japonese, and Chinese. On a basic level (not too nicely spoken but they can't sell me) I can speak Scotish, Irish, Czech, Slovakian, Serbian and some smaller Indian and Chinese dialects. In these latter languages I can tell what I want as well, but I speak these worse than how I spoke Hungarian when we met, so you have an idea.

\- You are a genius and these are only languages… you know a lot more things other than these… you know everything.

\- Yet again, no. There is no person who knows everything. I am interested in many fields of knowledge and my solitude gave me time and opportunity to learn. I had travelled a lot in my life, I had opportunity and time to learn languages, you are forced to learn them if you can't use any other one to communicate. Like you were forced to use French with me earlier. You improved a lot. If you travelled so much you'd know these languages too.

\- I, to be honest, would like to travel… it is the first time I am "abroad"compared to Hungary.

\- Well… we could travel somewhere if you want, on a honeymoon after the wedding.

\- Really? – I exclaimed happily.

\- Yes, I am a bit fed up with travelling, spending half of my life on the road, but if you wish we could visit someplace else, you are young yet and I understand you would like to see some of the world.

My eyes lit up in a sudden excitement and started wondering what I would want to see the most, my mind was racing with my hopes and dreams earlier about travelling… I wanted to travel to many places… Rome, Venice, Berlin, Moskau… Vienna… and…

\- Salzburg! – I spat out in excitement. It was really the number 1 place I wished to visit other than Paris, and now as I had opportunity to see Paris by a chance, I was curious about Salzburg. I knew that the city wasn't going to offer countless merchandise of Mozart like in modern days, but I have seen the city on postcards, and it was enchanting. I still owned a T shirt one of my friend sent me via mail when she had the opportunity to visit the city, and I still kept and treasured it in my closet, yet the material was already so thin it was unwearable any more but I felt sorry throwing it away.

\- Are you sure? – Erik stared at me, a bit of doubtfully as it was the only thing I said out loud.

\- Mozartland. – I giggled.

\- I could have sworn. – He shook his head indulgently. – It is a nice city though, if you are sure…

\- If it does not give you trouble to go abroad…

\- It is a bit further than what I'd liked but well. We have a honeymoon once in our lives and it is all the same for me where we go. I have seen all and everything… and I feel well everywhere with you.

I had to hug Erik tight after this confession. They always melted my heart, knowing Erik liked my presence so much.

Waiting for Christine's letter, I was so excited, but there were things to occupy my mind. At first we started our Farsi lessons with the Persian, and I could not be happier. I taught him music and he taught me to their alphabet and saying more common and easier phrases at first. Finally none of us had uncomfortable feelings about the lessons, as they were "paid for". After three lessons I was able to say Hello to Erik in the morning and tell him I loved him, which made him smile widely at me, replying in Farsi he also loved me. Rik also started teaching me Russian, so I was learning two languages at once. He was never present when we were having language lesson with the Persian, and he was gone sometimes after they ended and the Daroga left. At first I guessed he was just bored of my level of knowledge, but I had to find out it wasn't the case.

He was working on a surprise for me during the lessons. One day I found a new harmonica on the top of my desk in my room where my old one used to be placed earlier. Sadly I wasn't able to play my old harmonica easily nowadays. Sometimes some notes weren't working and the top of the instrument was a bit of dented by long decades of usage. Grandpa had it with him at war- no wonder it saw better days as well. It was a good eighty- past year old instrument, used by three generations already.

Erik sure felt sorry for me that I could not play as I used to as the instrument started acting up, and he replaced it for me. I smiled and picked it up to see it more closely, but I noticed something. It wasn't a harmonica I was used to. Mine was a C major diatonic. The one I held in my hand was a chromatic one with the small button on the side I could use to open up half notes as well, so that I was able to play a full chromatic scale and it made it possible for me to play in any desired key. My heart was pounding in my chest. What a joy! I do not have to transpose everything to C major! No ore limitations on the instrument, no more sad and disappointed looks when I cannot play something because of sharps and flats…!

But… wait…

The chromatic harmonica wasn't invented until the 1920s. I know so, as I read about it earlier. I always wanted to have a chromatic one but they were always a bit pricey, so I could never affor one for only a hobby instrument. Erik, though harmonicas were sold widely in late 19th century, couldn't have bought me this one as it was something they did not even come up with yet. It only could mean one thing:

He created it for me and it must be the only chromatic harmonica on the whole world! Examining it further, I didn't see "Seydel" brand name, which was the oldest and most common harmonica brand of the time period, mine had some engraved musical pattern, notes and rest signs, and at the edge of the top side, close to the right side, "Juti" was written on the instrument, to indicate it was intended for me. This facr left no doubt about it was Erik's work…!

\- Erik you made up a new invention! – I stormed into his study where he was sitting at his desk, writing my newest Russian word list.

\- Что это? – He asked "What is it?" accidentally in Russian. He was too much buried in his thoughts to switch back to Hungarian.

\- You invented chromatic harmonica, man you are awesome! – I jumped next to him and hopped up on the edge of the desk.

\- We have plenty of chairs my love. - He pointed at me, not being fond of the fact I sat on his desk, he never liked that. – I am glad you like your gift. – He smiled finally aftter I got off.

\- Erik, how did you do it? I mean how it came to your mind?

\- Common sense. – He shrugged, seemingly not understanding why I was so amazed about such a simple thing. – I wished to make playing easier for you and I made you an instrument just like mine.

\- You… have one? – I looked at him.

\- I do. – He nodded. – I made it for myself. Out of boredom and I did not wish to meet the limitations of a diatonic harmonica. The devil buys 12 of them when you can solve the problem with one.

\- Knowing you are ahead of your time by 40 years you are frighteningly clever.

\- All other people are frighteningly stupid. – He shrugged, yet again. – Instead of putting Erik on pedestal would you show me how can you handle your gift, rather, eh? Let me hear how it sounds like.

With a laugh I started playing for him, trying out my new harmonica for the first time. I had to get used to the new mechanism, but I could manage to play fairly well. After some songs I started playing the duet from Magic Flute "Bei Männern welche Liebe fühlen" and winked at Erik while playing my part. He thankfully understood the gesture as he picked a harmonica out of his waistcoat pocket and he joined me with Papageno's melody. This was the first time I heard Erik playing this instrument and yet again, we were united by music.

After the duet ended, I lost my mind with happiness and wanted to give Erik a high five for the first time during our relationship. I never attempted to do so, but now I wasn't thinking, and I lifted my palm up and quickly swung it towards him, and he backed away in fright. Only then I realized he did not know the gesture.

\- Please… no. – He whimpered softly.

\- I did not want to hurt you. – I stepped closer, putting my hand on his shoulder apologeticly. – Sorry.

\- You wanted what then? – He asked, half cautiously, half curiously.

\- Just to give you a high five. It is a hand gesture among friends. It is similar if I shook your hand.

\- Show me… slowly. – He smiled uncomfortably, I think feeling ashamed of being frightened of me suddenly.

Not to scare him I taught him how to give someone a high five and he patted my shoulder and… for the first time he laughed at his own silliness. He hugged me and shook his head.

\- How could I think you would hurt me…? – He laughed and kissed my forehead, seemingly crying and laughing at the same time. – How silly am I… so very silly.

\- No way. – I smiled. – I was ignorant.

\- You can never be so. – He smiled too and sat me on his lap. He did it nowadays if he wanted to calm me about no harm was done by me.

Two more weeks later, as I was starting to get the hang of bot Farsi and Russian alphabet and I was able to word easier thoughts and phrases, I received a letter from Uppsala. My heart bet rapidly, seeing Christine's beautiful handwriting on the envelope, and I looked at Erik with excitement. He seemed to be nervous. Opening and reading the letter, I happily exclaimed:

\- She is coming! She will be my bridesmaid! Erik she congratulated us! Do you hear me?

Looking up at him I could see him wiping his eyey with his handkerchief, whispering softly "It is really happening", and noticing me watching him, he cleared his throat.

\- I shall clean one more time before she arrives… all this dust is bothering my eyes.

With a smile, I hugged him and patted his back, and I could still feel he was crying.


	54. Face of True Love

As we were waiting for Christine's train to arrive to the station so we could greet her back in Paris I watched the railway station and "old" steam locomotives in awe. I loved them in modern days, and looking at them in reality I was happy, I always wanted to see them in real life, not only on the web or Tv. I was happy, yet Erik was a bit of speechless and serious as I could see, and I knew it was because I chose Christine as a bridesmaid and they had to meet once again, but what can I do? Either this or no wedding, which, I knew, he would not like, so he accepted his fate.

He was a bit impatiently playing drums on the handrail of the wooden bench we were sitting on, sometimes he sighed or blew air through his lips, checking his pocket watch in every five minutes.

Trains are always late. - He stated with annoyance.

Maybe there is a snowstorm. - I tried to joke, but he did not get it at that moment.

In the middle of July?

Just kidding. - I patted his shoulder. - They are always late in modern day Hungary as well.

Some things never change. - He sighed.

But some things are going to change shortly.

What do you mean? - He snorted. Poor guy wasn't the sharpest that day, he would have understood me way easier at other occasions. I playfully drew a sharp sign on the shoulder of his jacket to make him sharper, but that wasn't noticed by him either, he was lost in his thoughts.

Your marital status. - I giggled.

Oh… I… yes… - He stuttered, looking at me in disbelief. - You… you are awaiting… that day…?

I am waiting for it to happen in the past half year or so. - I smiled. - Of course.

Looking at his everyday disguise I actually wished he could wear no mask for the streets. It always bothered me to see "another" version of him outside than at our house. It also did bother me Erik created another ugly black mask and he wore it during the time the Persian showed up at us for the lessons, but it was, of course, understandable. However; Erik finally seemed to learn what colors were nowadays. He did not only wear black any more, but acknowledged the existence of, at first, gray, but after some months, he wore red or light orange waistcoat with black jacket, or red cravat, or, as right at that time, he was wearing beige suit with light blue waistcoat and darker blue cravat, with a pair of white shoes. His wig was dark blonde and he was wearing fake glasses and beard, matching the latest fashion. It was strange how his looks since he made the new mask did not match the look he had before. He said he made a totally new mask intentionally as he could not bear the shame people linked with the appearance of his lost mask and style, so he had a new wig, and new accessories, looking nothing like "Alexandre Dechausse" as he called that guy. I knew Erik had various fake identities and strangely he was referring to them, if ever he mentioned them, as they were other people he had known in the past and had nothing to do with Erik himself.

Even though he looked nothing like Erik, his body type and gestures were the same, so one could easily recognize him if they knew his usual way of acting. As the train finally arrived in , he nervously jumped up as he was hit by electricity, and took my arm a bit more vehemently than he should have, and pulled me after himself in his hurry.

Why are you so nervous? - I asked finally, getting bored of his acting.

She… won't come alone this time. - He groaned.

Oh, are you afraid she took Popeye… I mean the Sailor Man…?

Sure she did.

And why are you afraid of him?

NOT afraid. - Erik shook his head firmly.

I seriously doubt she'd bring him, you'd kill him overnight.

Sometimes you really are able to lift my spirits. - He hissed.

I was right. Christine, to Erik's endless relief, arrived back to Paris all alone. Raoul did not accompany her, yet again. She smiled happily when she noticed us and hugged me tight and kissed me.

How great is to see my sister so soon again. - I greeted her.

I would never miss a chance to meet you and be here with you in such an important moment, dear. - She seemed to be touched.

Good morning, Christine. - Erik hid his hands awkwardly behind his back, not to accidentally touch Christine and closed his eyes, standing like he was going to be shot in seconds.

Hello Erik. - Christine was a bit of distant and cool, but sent a small smile at his direction, - I had trouble recognizing you. - She added.

Erik nodded shortly but said nothing to this. I think he was not sure if it was meant to be a compliment regarding his fine disguise, or the fact Christine did not want to recognize him, because of their past. Trying to make the awkward atmosphere between them disappear with more or less success, I was talking to both of them. Erik acted like a true gentleman towards us, but he spoke only when it was necessary, other than that he was just too much embarrassingly polite and he sank back to the state he was in when we met. Not wanting to express his real feelings he again wore masks both over his face and soul. I was extremely sorry for him and tried to involve him in the activities we did, but he excused himself, saying he had to work on something before the great day comes, and he really left the house, leaving Christine and me there in our new home.

Christine took me to a shopping trip in Paris to make me forget about Erik's moodiness, and she stated I needed a new style for the wedding. She was experienced in make up, accessories and hairstyles, being a girl herself, and having a job in the past where she had to wear make up for a role all the time.

You know, Juti, my dear, - She started talking, as she was picking up a bunch of make up accessories and examining my face- not wearing make up is partly a good thing, as it is natural, and your natural unhidden beauty comes to the surface.

My unhidden what? - I shook my head.

Oh do not be sarcastic. - She sighed. - It does not suit you, only Erik. You are beautiful. It is the truth. And I will help you how to show your beauty even more by applying make up that highlights your eye color, the shape and fullness of your lips, and your skin color.

Are you sure it is going to work?

I am sure, you have to be extraordinarily beautiful on the happiest day of your life. - She smiled. - Trust me. - She added. - I am your sister, and will make you so beautiful Erik will have to appreciate the luck he has.

I think he does. - I shrugged. - But you are right… I think he will faint, though. - I giggled.

Maybe but take it as a compliment. - Christine laughed as well.

Accepting the fact I was going to wear make up on my wedding contrary to my habits made me think of Erik's everyday disguise even more. When it was just the two of us, I asked him cautiously about what he planned to wear to the upcoming event. He sent me an investigating small glance, then shrugged.

It is not a church wedding, a simple formal wear will do. Why?

And… will you look like...this? - I pointed at him, as he just arrived home, still wearing the human mask.

What is this intonation behind the "this", eh?

Nothing.

Do not lie. - He snorted. - You know well that I am also a musician, with a perfect ear for small nuances in someone's mood. I heard a hint of… dismay… or… disgust…?

Just disappointment.

Disappointment… about my mask?

Yes. I am sorry Erik, but it seriously bothers me you do wear this mask, it looks nothing like you.

Thank Goodness, as people would run away screaming, or start to vomit, or just stare at me in horror. - He sighed with annoyance.

I understand that. - I nodded. - But… can't you… make a mask that at least resembles your… face shape?

What for?

To see some of the real you.

I am going to check your glasses, and take you to an optometrist. If you WISH to see the real Erik outside or at the Civil Registry Office it indicates your eyesight is worse than both of us do think, and you'd need serious help and intervention not to lose the rest of it.

My glasses are just fine. - I stated calmly. - I would appreciate if you showed some of your real self. I can't see the man I love. It is like I was walking with a stranger.

Erik examined me again with a hint of worry, then walked out of the room, saying nothing.

 _ **Erik's diary**_

 _ **17th July, 1882**_

 _I cannot believe my extremely sensitive ears._

 _Erik thinks he won't ever understand women and how their brain works. Either it is Juti has way worse eyesight than what I thought she has, or she is going mad or I am going deaf. Neither of these possibilities sound pleasant or calming to me. I don't know what to say or do, and I do not wish to make Juti disappointed or angry, this is the last thing I wish to do to her, especially now she is going to marry me in ten days._

 _Ten days and… if everything works out we are finally going to be a legally and lawfully wed couple. And I do not wish to ruin this day leaving uncomfortable feelings in Juti's soul, but I am seriously out of any ideas how to solve this problem._

 _I need advice._

 _Knowing the people being close enough to me are Juti, the Daroga and Christine really limits the possibilities of that said adviser. Juti sure can't be bothered about this subject, partly because she already stated her opinion, but the bigger problem is I am too proud to ask her to explain her wish to me on an understandable way. I am ashamed to admit I do not understand what she wishes of Erik. The Daroga often explains me things better and I can understand him mostly, but I am afraid he won't get the logic of a woman either, being a help and hopeless man, just like my humble self. Only one person is a woman here, and maybe she is such an angel she would want to help Erik…_

 _I should talk to Christine, if she can bear to stay in the same room with me… only her and me…_

 _Half past six in the evening:_

 _I am just back home from visiting Christine in her room she is renting to stay until the wedding. To be honest, it went surprisingly well and it wasn't as awkward as I'd think it would be. Christine did not show disgust upon having only me with her, she only was worried about the possibility of Juti and me having a fight or breaking up our relationship._

 _As I told her none of these possibilities were the case of my visit, Christine was relieved. I did not understand why, as I thought she did not like the idea of me getting married to Juti. She seemed to be protective of "her sister" and I believed she did not find me the best partner for her, and was afraid I will be a terrible husband to her._

 _She was polite and kind when I arrived and after the necessary formalities and after I assured her I wished to eat or drink nothing at all, I tried my best to word my question to her regarding Juti's earlier words, and the meaning behind them. Christine was surprised, at first I believed by the fact that Juti did not like my new disguise, but in the end I had to realize she was rather surprised about me CONSIDERING to do what someone else asked of me, as she stated:_

 _I think you learned what love really means._

 _You… you say so, Christine?_

 _You improved a lot. - She nodded reassuringly, with a kind smile._

 _E… Erikk really is trying his best, Christine, but he is so afraid he won't be a good and loving enough husband._

 _If you make effort to think the way you do now I am sure everything will be close to perfect._

 _Erik wants to be a perfect husband… a perfect one to Juti and he fears he won't be._

 _Nothing is all perfect, Erik. Not a husband, not a wife, and married life isn't perfect either. There are misunderstandings sometimes, just as are in a love relationship, but you can do your best to make things reach the closest to perfection._

 _If you mean what you say I feel better._

 _I do. Now I know that Juti and you will be happy together. You are trying Erik. You started caring for other people's happiness when you realized… I loved Raoul._

 _I know. - I nodded, not really liking the subject, but I had to agree she was right._

 _And now you wish to make your lover happy even if it causes some discomfort to you… I don't recognize you, Erik. - She laughed out softly._

 _It is not exactly about discomfort, Christine. I would do much bigger things for her, I am just about to cross half of Europe for her to take her to Salzburg on our honeymoon, as she asked that. But our wedding day should be a perfect one, Christine, and how could it be so if Erik shows his real face to people?_

 _I think no wonder Juti wants to see the Erik she has gotten used to during these months you were spending together. I know what bothers her. She wants the man she loves to face her on her wedding day._

 _But it is impossible. If she met a young handsome boy it wouldn't be a problem, but…_

 _I think we could make compromises. - She smiled. - I help you with that._

 _Telling me a simple solution I did not yet consider, she calmed me a bit. I am going to look more like my original self, but other people won't get scared of me. I am still not sure though that it is a hundred percent working solution, especially that we are most likely having a hot summer day on the 27th, and I am going to wear clothes not really meant for the weather, and… I am not sure how much would the make up last, but I do hope it lasts until we are finished with the ceremony._

 _Everything needs to be close to perfect._

 **Juti's POV**

On the morning of 27th July I was so happy and yet so insecure as never ever in my whole life before. Looking at my reflection in the mirror after getting out of bed in the morning I could not believe one was going to and wanting to marry me. My whole life was going to change at 2 PM that day, and until that I had to get ready… thankfully Christine, after she arrived at us at 10 in the morning never left my side and she helped putting on the dresses, picking out accessories to wear with the wedding dress and she did my makeup. She did a great job- checking my appearance again, I could not believe it was me and I could look so well. She matched the perfect colors to my eye color and even my extremely short hair compared to the time period looked great as she made it for me.

I look like a Victorian bride. - I murmured in front of the mirror, staring at myself, and smiled.

The Jewel Song came to mind with the line "Marguerite c'est ne plus toi, c'est ne plus ton visage…" It isn't your face any more… I looked much more mature and ladylike, not like a modern teen, as I usually did.

You are beautiful. - Christine reassured me, gently massaging my shoulder. She was trying to emotionally support me until we needed to leave for the wedding.

Erik took extremely long to prepare that day. It wasn't unusual of him, of course, every morning he was preparing in the bathroom for a good one hour and a half, but it was already 2 and a half, and he did not yet show up. I seriously started to worry after the Daroga arrived as well and Erik was still preparing. Does that mean maybe that he changed his mind?

Don't worry. - Christine noticed my thoughts and gently stroke my hand. - He is just making sure he will meet your taste.

My taste? - I asked with surprise, but at the next moment, I saw with my own eyes what Christine meant.

Erik finally appeared in the room to show himself, and I got so astonished a small scream and giggle left my lips. He was wearing no mask and no wig, only his true face with a ton of makeup that made him look much less skull like but still himself, a fake nose which did not look as artificial as the previous one, and a fake mustache kind of lifelike, to cover his lip deformity. He did not look like a monster or the Grim Reaper himself, just an older man, but normal looking. He won't cause a scandal this way, and if I can convince him to walk around like this, I could see him as he was, and not a stranger. I was thankful he did this gesture, even though he must have felt uncomfortable about a new look he had, especially on his wedding day... I only hoped he would not feel too much uncomfortable because of me.

The biggest surprise for me though wasn't his face, but the clothes he was wearing. My wedding dress was also beautiful, but I did not think we were going to show anything about not having French heritage, my wedding dress indicated nothing special, and I thought Erik was going to wear a tuxedo, but he did not.

He was wearing a full Hungarian Hussar costume, in black, with golden edging and with long shiny black boots. Even a sword was with him, and as I remembered it was the legitimate formal wear of Hungarian noblemen at that time. With this gesture he was willing to show publicly he felt like a Hungarian at his heart, and was showing off Hungarian pride on his wedding day.

God… - I stuttered and smiled widely at him, walking closer. - Erik… thank you…. You are so cute, you look like Count Dracula! - I exclaimed happily.

And… you look like… my living wife. - He reached out towards me with shaking hands- And if Count Dracula means you like my new outfit I am more than honored to look like him.

With a touched smile all over his face he took my gloved hand and cleared his throat, feeling embarrassed.

I believe we should leave this house… and only return… as a married couple… and… and I really do not wish to cry right now… it is going to make my face melt off. - He sighed uncomfortably, but soon he was smiling again at me, and we took our first steps together towards a whole new life.


	55. Count Dracula's Living Bride

Juti's POV

I was relieved Erik did not get offended by my Dracula remark about his Hussar costume he was wearing for the wedding. On the contrary, he seemed to like it, and I caught him bashfully giggling to himself while he was leading me by my hand towards the cab which was already waiting for us in front of the house to take us to the Civil Registry Office.

Christine and the Daroga were amused as well by the fact Erik started acting much more freely than he usually did, especially in front of Christine. He was relaxed and in a good mood by the time the cab left with all of us onboard. I started to suspiciously assume his great mood was the result of some small amount of alcohol he had taken to himself while dressing up, as I could smell a hint of rum on his breath, but only because I had no alcohol at all, but I did not mind it. If he needed it to get relaxed, especially with the fact he wasn't wearing a mask, I understood. To be honest, I would not have minded a sip either, if I could have had one at that moment, being a bit of nervously excited and happy at the same time.

I had felt this special feeling before in my life, it felt like before the Final Exam at High School. I knew my life was going to change in seconds, and I was looking to the future with a bit of worry and excitement. At least it is not Mathematics final exam where I was begging The Lord for a grade D, and nearly opened a bottle of champagne when they announced I did not fail. Erik hugged my shoulder as he was sitting next to me and complimented my appearance more times, with a playful intonation in his voice, stating what a beautiful little bride he has, he has the sweetest little girl next to her and he could not believe his eyes for it. He never openly complimented me before, especially not in front of Christine, but he did not seem to care about the beautiful Swedish soprano he used to be in love with at all. He did not even notice her, as he was too busy looking at me in my wedding dress.

Indeed you are beautiful. - Christine reassured me so I blushed, being complimented by all the people at once, as the Daroga also called me " a charming bride".

Aw, look how cute you are when you blush. - Erik cooed in my right ear and I subconsciously covered my face with an embarrassed smile, just as always when I felt I was being praised too much, but Erik's thin fingers curled around my wrist and gently but firmly he pulled my hand away from in front of my face. - Please, my darling little girl, never hide your face from poor Erik's sight, he wishes to watch it in all his coming life.

All right my love. - I giggled, but poked his chest with one finger. - But I ask the same of you.

I was anxious for a split second I ruined the atmosphere by my not thought out enough remark, and Erik indeed let out a small gasp, but after he did not stay surprised or angry, he rather seemed to be touched.

If THIS- he pointed at his face - is the thing my wife wants to see, I can't deny it from her. - He stated with a hint of pity in his voice but he looked rather thankful.

I did not think I will ever say so, but you two are so sweet together. - The Daroga stated with surprise.

Just the perfect couple. - Christine smiled. - They get the best out of each other.

Erik did not say a word, he tried his best to swallow back some upcoming tears while pulling me closer to himself, so my head touched his shoulder.

Do not ruin my hair before the selfie I am going to take. - I giggled.

Selfie? - Christine asked. - What is that?

A photography you take of yourself. With this. - I showed her my phone and opened the picture gallery in it to show her the photos I have taken before so she can see them.

This is marvelous! - She gasped. - One can take photographs of… Heavens, you took one of Erik while sleeping? - she giggled.

You did what? - Erik tried to catch the phone out of my hand, blushing bright red.

Sorry I could not resist. - I turned to him with an apologetic smile.

Meh. - He shook his head and took a sigh, but did not stay angry. I bet he did not want anything to ruin his mood. - But I am going to get a revans for that. - He shook his finger threateningly at me.

Explaining Christine the concept of taking a selfie I hugged her to make a photo of both her and me, and as she really liked what she saw on the screen we did several sisterly shots.

Erik wants that too, Erik wants to be on the same picture with Juti… !

He sounded like a whiny boy, clinging to my wrist.

I thought you disliked the concept of photographs. - I giggled.

Wedding photo I want, couple wedding photo.

Good. - I sat back next to him, extending my arm forward so we both fit on the screen, just like with Christine. - I was afraid I won't be able to have a single picture of my husband. - I added. - God, if only I had internet connection these photos would be on both facebook and tumblr sooner than you could blink.

I am not sure what facebook was but if you wish to have a photo with your husband I am not against it. - Erik gently, taking care not to ruin my hairdo, stroke my hair and looked at me with unhidden affection.

You are so tame Erik, I don't believe my eyes. - The Daroga still could not get rid of his surprise regarding Erik's great mood.

I told I will be as gentle as a lamb if someone loves me finally. - He stated seriously, while carefully adjusting the shoulder of my dress. - Love me and you can do whatever you wish to do with me.

As we arrived in front of the Civil Registry Office we were heading to, we realized we still had a good 20 minutes until the wedding, but I did not let Erik lose his good mood and start to get nervous or worried. We took some more pictures, I informed Erik about the poses which were in fashion in my century, the "peace" sign, the "forever metal" hand gesture, which Erik could do perfectly and it was so funny to take a picture of him, the 19th century opera composer showing off metal pride, but Erik suddenly dragged the Persian closer by his arm and requested I'd take a photograph of them both. I laughed, and did so, only realizing later Erik did the "you fool" sign above the poor Persian's head, and now we have a photo of that moment.

I am used to his tricks. - The Persian laughed. - At least this one did not get me in danger.

 **Erik's diary**

 _I did not know it was possible to take my photograph at broad daylight on the streets or in a carriage without my hideousness breaking the camera lense. These photographs, to make matters worse, were much more accurate and detailed than the ones I was used to. They were clear and colored. I liked taking photographs of buildings with Juti's phone before while we were walking, but this was the first time I was photographed with her, and… I did not mind it…! On the contrary. I like the fact she wanted to have a picture with me involved… it means I was important enough to her that she wished to documentate my existence in her life and keep it for later. And she isn't disgusted or ashamed by the fact of being seen with me… and yet my face wasn't that handsome as it was in my new mask. Yet I had one with me to be able to wear if catastrophes happen… but... It was her wedding day after all… and mine…_

 **Juti's POV**

The selfie and group photo marathon was great for occupying Erik's mind from unneeded worrying, but when it was time for us to go inside he seemed so lost, yet again, as a young child at his first day of school. He was trembling suddenly and took my arm, checking the fake nose with his free hand to see if it did not slip off yet, even though he was able to see it didn't only a minute before on a picture. This indicated he was getting uneasy, but it is going to pass in a few moments, I was sure. Yet, he looked at me seriously, and held his hand in front of me to block my way as I wanted to take the first steps inside.

Erik, what's gotten into you, we are getting late?

Just one word. - He stated nervously and with a cold intonation. - If you have even a hint of doubt in you regarding your wish of marrying Erik, tell him NOW. - The word "now" was pronunced with a great authoritative tone.

Don't you think you ask it too late? - I tilted my head to the side with a sheepish grin, but Erik was not in the mood for that.

Never too late to say no, but I'd hate if you rejected me in front of the official, so if you are any less than a hundred percent sure about wanting to spend your life as my wife, do tell me NOW, as only death shall part, once it is official.

Erik. - I heard Christine's voice next to me as she turned back to see what is taking us so much time, and hearing Erik's last sentence she did not really like it. Neither did I, to be honest. I was a bit hurt he would assume such a cruel act by me against him on our special day which should be the happiest in our lives.

I am a hundred percent sure I want to marry you. - I said softly. "Do not blame it on me if you have changed your mind. And I really wonder if you don't trust me, what is the use of all the fuss. I am really not sure how could I make you trust me finally." I thought quickly, but I did not say anything else, I found it wiser not to tell him my other thoughts which came to my mind immediately out of hurt, as it would only start a fight between us, so I just walked a few steps forward towards the door and looked back at Erik with a "You not coming?" glance. He hurried to my side and whispered a broken "Forgive me" in my right ear. "I do trust you." He added, as we were walking down the hallway of the building to the office, with a slightly irritated Christine in our heels. She was distressed about Erik was fussing right again, but as she saw his penitent look at me, she took a relieved sigh.

 **Erik's diary**

 _Of course, being such a fool as I am, I nearly successfully ruined the wedding. When will I finally learn to shut my face and not to hurt the ones I love? I am so sorry I hurt my dear with my words and accused her of changing her mind in the last minute. I am not searching for excuses, but it is so hard to believe a woman marries me out of her free will when I never met anyone in my life who would have… I need to learn to trust her, and to think before I talk and act. I should be thankful Juti did not leave me there alone after the scene I made. Christine is right: One can hurt people the easiest by the lack of trust._

 _And I do not wish to hurt Juti ever again…_

 _I will be the best husband…_

 _That hall was enormously long to walk with my worries and shame about hurting her on our wedding day, but I tried to concentrate rather on Juti and her beautiful wedding dress and how cute she looked and she finally smiled at me again at the door. This move indicated that she wasn't angry with me any more. I doubt I really deserve such a kind girl as a companion, and I still can't believe all of this was happening._

 _Though it happened only a few hours ago, and contrary to I remember memories from my early childhood crystal clearly most of the time, I seriously can't remember what has happened before the official asked Juti whether she wished to marry me or not. I think I was out of my mind with my overflowing emotions, the mixture of anxiety, happiness, doubt, being touched and thankful at the same time. I just stood there, waken from my memory lapse by that question I never dared to hear in my life and now all of my life depended on the answer I felt. I can't live without her, I was sure. I was so afraid of losing her as well, just as I lost everyone in my life…_

 _When she said yes with a charming smile all over her beautiful face, I felt I was going to faint, but thankfully I was able to compose myself enough not to._

 _That would have been a shame._

 **Juti's POV**

When I said yes after I was asked the big question of my life, I could hear Erik's sigh of relief and he whispered "thank you" nearly inaudibly. I am not sure if he thanked me or God, but sure he was looking up, so maybe he was addressing his creator and expressed his endless gratitude to the Lord.

From that part his anxiety seemed to fly away as quickly as it had arrived before, and he was smiling yet again. By the time the official asked him if he wanted to marry me he replied with such a happy determination I could not help but grin. I bet he had the urge to tell the man of law to shut his face and ask away finally, and when he was asked he was more than happy to answer. He even nodded eagerly, and sighed in relief after he said it, like his soul was freed from a huge weight.

Signing the papers wasn't easy for him as he was still shaking a bit, from I think, being so worked up earlier, he had to hold the pen firmly with his left to be able to sign. Poor guy, when I saw the document I noticed his signature and he must have spent a lot of effort to write as nicely as possible, and he wrote such a calligraphic "E" I was in awe. Is Erik able to write so beautifully as well?

My hand wasn't much steadier either as I noticed and just as usual, my palm was all wet, and my finger left a wet mark on the paper as I touched it. This was the first time I used my new name to sign a document, and to my relief, I did not mess up by writing my maiden name. How strange is it to have a maiden name, which used to be my only name just five minutes earlier. I took my name as Judit Csényi. It looked so foreign to me as I wrote it down, but I knew I was going to get used to it, and anyway, to Erik I will always be "Juti" in all my life.

So this is it. Now I am really "Madame le Fantome" though I would never say it to Erik, as he wants to lead a normal life from now on. The Persian and Christine congratulated us after the ceremony and I only remember hugging Christine tight and slightly crying on her shoulder. I wasn't sad, on the contrary, though Erik must have misunderstood it as I heard the Persian saying to him in the background "Erik, she is fine".

Talking to Erik the first time after the ceremony took place was a bit of awkward, especially after I cried with Christine and the Persian had to comfort him about I did not regret the wedding. Our witnesses were so kind and empathetic to go forward to the street to leave us just the two of us for a few minutes, so I looked up at my new husband and sent him a huge smile. Erik did not say a word, but put his hand on my shoulder and hugged me, now being able to hug me freely without worrying about the dress or my hair. He reminded me of a schoolboy after a hard exam who just starts to relax after realizing he answered most of the questions right. He leaned against the wall with his back for a few moments and was searching for his handkerchief to wipe his forehead. Some of the make up came off with that, so he snorted in distress, but after he just put the handkerchief away with a sigh.

Thankfully the make up lasted through the wedding, and people on the streets did not give remarks about Erik's looks, even though he wasn't wearing a mask, only the new false nose. This fact helped hi to relax, not worrying about his looks at least. He was worrying enough about the wedding and me saying yes or no in the end.

So… - I started, looking into his yellowish eyes, which were "discolored" even by broad daylight, - It seems… we are finally official.

We are through it. - He nodded, chuckling nervously.

I am not an old maiden any more. - I remarked jokingly.

And… neither am I a bachelor. Though I held a longer record without marriage than you. - He now laughed out, in his usual sense of humor. - May I kiss the bride? - He asked finally in his usual way of speaking, getting back into reality.

I thought you will never ask. - I hugged his shoulder and he held me close, finally kissing me on the lips at the long hallway of the office, near a window.

Time seemed to stop as he gently caressed my cheek and my hair, with his long pianist fingers, and he unintentionally started playing the piano on my shoulders while kissing. It was his habit when he was too much lost in his thoughts and taken away by his emotions to notice it, and I loved that about him. Finally he was able to give himself to his true emotions without fear and have our first kiss as a legally wed couple.

When we rejoined the group a few minutes later, Erik was finally just as happy as he was before his fears made him unable to concentrate on the positive side of the day. I was sure it was something he had as an aftermath of his earlier life full of traumas, but I noticed he was finally able to relax more in front of me and other people when he took us to a restaurant to celebrate instead of heading home right away. In the cab he spent a bit of time turning slightly away and adjusting the make up by the aid of a pocket mirror, so he was going to remain "bearable to look at", and to wipe off rouge marks of his face and ear. Christine also adjusted my make up, smiling. The Daroga was chuckling a bit, but he resisted laughing out loud, partly, I think because he was afraid Erik would take it badly, and partly because he did not want to be impolite. He could not resist a remark though:

How are you feeling, young husband?

Marvelous. - Erik sighed dreamily, then caught my hand.

I wish you to be so happy together as I am with my husband. - Christine smiled at him kindly, which caused Erik to nearly cry again, but he was able to fight it back.

I am so proud of Erik. Contrary to his endless fear and uncomfortable feelings of being an oddity, he took all of us to a fancy place to eat at, as he stated we needed to celebrate. Celebrating by food wasn't his usual way, but as it was the commonly accepted form by society, he wanted our wedding to be a perfectly normal one, and to say thank you to the Persian and Christine for helping us to achieve our dreams coming true. He had developed so much since the first time he finally dared to eat in front of me at the House by the Lake, and though he was only able to eat a little with his mustache on, and did not really like if I was looking at him, he did a great job, and managed to have a few bites without needing to remove his disguise. I was so proud he did this for me and did not just sit the whole dinner through as a marble statue. Love really can improve him. A lot. And I am sure we will be able to work things out as a married couple. He will never have to be afraid of losing me - I am his wife till death shall part.

At the end of the dinner he gracefully stood up and rose his glass of wine to say a most heartfelt thank you to the people by his side, making this the happiest day of his life. I was so touched. Erik mentioned everyone by name and thanked us for being present in his life, which he did not think to turn to be so pleasant, not even two years ago. He started at me, listing all the things I have helped him with by this day, and how I made him to become a better person, and being with him, I made his life complete and he is looking forward to the future he could spend with me. He thanked Christine for showing him the first step of selfless love, and for making his solitude sweeter with her angelic voice, and returning to him even after the horrible things he committed against her and her husband. He looked at the Persian and added:

And you, Daroga, please forgive me for not realizing of how much you have done before to make my life better. I was always sure you only did that favor to me so I will always feel I have debts towards you, to hold me in your grip. I am a selfish man, so I could not imagine someone else doing something for me out of pure intentions. And now, that I see what you meant of my life will turn to the better, I value that favor more than I ever did earlier. I believe I did not say thank you for it yet, did I?

The Persian, being surprised and touched by Erik's sudden confession, was only able to slightly shook his head.

It wasn't too nice of me, seeing how much you risked and suffered because of me. - Erik sighed and reached out his hand for a handshake. The Persian stood up and returned Erik's handshake with a small nod. - Thank you, Daroga, for saving my life and making possible for me to live up to the day of my wedding.

I would do it again. - The Persian said softly.

Are you serious? - Erik gasped. - Even knowing what will happen to you?

That is what are friends for. - The Daroga nodded.

I am sorry for that photo. - Erik stated.

I did not mind it. - The Persian shook his head with a forgiving smile.

After the dinner we took both the Daroga and Christine home, and with Christine we reassured to take her out to the railway station the next morning to take her train back to her husband. Finally we arrived home and Erik caught me up in his arms, carrying me through the door for the first time as his wife.

Neither of us were able to believe we were finally husband and wife- I think we still needed some time to get used to the luck we are finally having, and now we had to lead our life knowing we can always count on the other.

THE END

 **Author's note:**

 **Thank you so much for reading this story which now came to an end. This was my little self- insert fanfiction to celebrate the 10 year anniversary in the fandom. I do hope you enjoyed Hungarian Rhapsody, and I do thank you for the many kind reviews you have left on the story throughout the installments. You gave me power to continue. I never imagined a self- insert story could be so loved.**

 **Yet, I wish to have your opinion about a thought I am considering: If you enjoyed this story, do you wish me to continue it in a new story? Please write it in either PM or in your review if you feel like writing one.**

 **Thank you so much!**


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